Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Ambivalence and Apathy

Two emotions in one post? I must be crazy. However these are probably not emotions often talked about and I think I can handle a two-for-one special today!

Ambivalence

The dangerous emotion of ambivalence is a contradictary mix of emotions: love/hate, caring/disinterest. Some of this is a natural by product of any relationship. We can deeply love someone but also hate certain things they do even if they are not sin. That might be a decision we disagree with, or political posture they take (this can be hard in the USA!). This can end up with one emotion growing larger than the other and this is where the danger comes, when it swings one way or the other.

Scripture teaches that love never fails or love conquers all depending on the translation (1 Cor 13). 1 Peter 4:8 states: “Above all, maintain an intense love for each other, since love covers a multitude of sins.” Woah. Love covering sin is having an attitude of forgiveness. Love in action forgives sin, especially in a relationship with another person. It not mean avoiding any acknowledgement of sin, not confronting sin, or allowing sinful acts to continue. If we truly love someone and value them as a person made in the image of God, we should confront sin.

Now I’m not saying we go around judging everyone (that moral high ground again) but when we see sinful patterns it is good to discuss those and bring them out in the open and even get to the root of the issue that might be underneath. Good counseling can help in many instances. Get help alone (not couples therapy) if there is verbal/emotional/financial/physical abuse or a narcissitic spouse. Ambivalence is dangerous when in cases of abuse the love wins out over protecting oneself and getting help. I’m not promoting divorce. Don’t let let a false sense of love lead to unwise emotional or physical choices.

That “multitude of sins,” could also refer to quirks and idosyncracies we all have whether we want ot admit it or not. My husband will ask why I’m so kind to him. I tell him that if I ever get upset or irritated when he does something that is just “him” and it is not sin, I remember that this personality that makes up the man I married, is who God made him to be. I need to realize that and accept him as he is. Not necesesarily ambivialence, although maybe in that moment until I adjust my attitude to be one of love. Now, if he really is getting on my nerves or is going to far (he loves to joke around) I let him know. He has to adjust to my quirks and moods as well.

Ambivalence isn’t as dangerous as it is a signal that perhaps we need to figure out why and work our way back to the more positive emotions. The danger in the emotion of ambivalence is if we allow it to continue for a long period of time.

Apathy

The dangerous emotion of apathy is marked by a lack of emotion. Detatchment. Not caring. No empathy. In many ways this seems worse than hatred. If I hate someone there is a strong emotion attached to it. I care, but am not happy about something the person did. If I’m apathetic, I don’t care at all. This should not be the case in close relationships as it undermines any sense of unity and love we would want in a healthy friendship or marriage.

Apathy, in the sense of detachment, might be necessary for emotional survival in the case of narcissitic/verbal/emotional/phyisical/financial abuse like I mentioned above. In this case it is a healthy way to protect oneself from someone who does not have our best interests at heart. This might end in cutting off a friendship, blocking or restricting someone on social media, or not sharing your life with that person if they are not “safe” for you. Not answering the phone or a text. When someone has abused or in other ways broken trust, detatchment may be the healthiest thing to do. As long as you can do that without harboring emotions of resentment or hatred toward that person. Let them go and let God deal with them.

In many ways apathy is the saddest of the emotions because it is an indication of the death of a connection to another person.

Side note: Depression can result in apathy so be careful not to just cut off a relationship if you struggle with depression and you are unable to parse out whether your lack of interest is due to the “blues” or something is wrong in the relationship. When a depressed person experiences apathy it is usually more universal – a disinterest in anything, even things that used to bring pleasure. Unfortunately, ongoing abuse can result in the depression and apathy and it is helpful to get wise counsel to resolve that so you can experience the nicer emotions in life like love, joy, hope, and peace.

The danger in apathy is when you haven’t given a relatively health relationship a chance. Sometimes, however, it is healthier to embrace the apathy as a way to move forward in life without the pain of loss, grief, sorrow, that can accompany a person who has cut of a relationship with you. Grieve it, yes. Evaluate yourself for any wrongdoing, absolutely, but then move on in freedom. Don’t let those regrets over the past that you cannot resolve in the present, hinder you from living life to the fullest.

Have you had challenges with the dangerous emotions of ambivalence or apathy? How have you dealt with either of those?