Archives

Author Confessions: Who Are You?

Jul27
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Who Are You?

Many years ago, I attended a Christian conference for people in the field of psychology. The workshops were great. A few of the women decided to go to lunch. I had never met any of them before.

I asked them the question beyond your name, Who are you?

The first one started to talk about their position working in a non-profit helping unwed mothers. While that is a noble career, I needed to stop her. I said, “That is what you do, which is great, but who are you?”

Another one made an attempt to answer the question but again talked about their work. Fair enough, we were at a conference to help us in our careers.

Maybe I’m obnoxious, for sure I was persistent. I said “Who you are is not what you do for a living.”

What would an example be? I’m a child of God. I’m and encourager, creative, I love hearts, flowers, and gardening (but am not a fan of weeding). I can be impulsive and silly at times. I love music and singing. I love the church. Now I would probably add, I love being married to Ben, playing mini-golf, and occasionally driving a skid-steer. I’m also an INFJ and while I love being with people I prefer one-on-one conversations to large groups. I’m a WISIWIG – what you see is what you get. I’m not good at putting on airs and while I might reveal all my history or secrets, I’m pretty honest and my face will sometimes communicate more than my words might say!

After I gave them an example they struggled to find ways to describe themselves and separate their profession from their identity. I am not what I do, however, who I am will express itself in how I do whatever work I undertake. I could eventually, upon a closer connection to someone, share some of the lessons I’ve learned from the experiences that have shaped who I am today.

How about you? If someone asks you: Who are you? How would you respond? It’s easy and almost a way to brag and also put up a wall, to give a profession or degree, or successes.

If I say I enjoy writing books, which I do, it is different from saying I’m a multi-published author of over 38 stories. Well, that definitely sounds more impressive and if I added “best-selling” or “award winning” into that description it might give you an elevated view of who I am. Awards or book sales, or a job that pays a high salary, are not things that define WHO I am. They might describe a fleeting moment in time, and make up part of my story, but they are not my identity before God.

When I write my character might start out with some kind of job, but the fun of a story isn’t learning about their work, it’s learning about the person themselves and what makes them tick. A romance can’t be built only on career compatibility (is there such a thing?).

I will confess there are times when I want to toss out my experience, education or successes, but it doesn’t matter to God in the long run. While earthly achievements are nice and in many ways a form of validation from the world, and maybe from God, it is more the work of our heart and our desire to honor Him in all things that will matter more.

It takes more time to get to know someone beyond their job, but it is a worthy endeavor. I have two neighbors I want to get to know better and neither of them work outside the home. I’ve been a homemaker myself for many years. I look forward to learning more about the things that they enjoy and what stirs their hearts and what kinds of hopes and dreams they may have. And maybe be able to encourage them with the challenges they face.

God isn’t going to say “well-done good and faithful servant” to me based on a GPA, or the level of education I have or the amount of money I made during my lifetime. Only HE truly knows the number of people whose lives have been impacted by interacting with me – both positively and negatively.

Who are you? How would you answer that question?

 

Author Confessions: The Gift of Quality Time

Jul20
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Gift of Quality Time

If you’ve ever studied The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, you might know that one of them is quality time. That is one of my top love languages and I will often go out of my way to connect with people via one-on-one connections. However, if I offer a potential new friend my contact information or suggest connecting face to face and they aren’t responsive when I ask to set a time/date/location, then I let it go. I’m not that important to them and that’s fine. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.

Since I’ve moved, I will easily make the forty-five minute drive back to my hometown to connect one on one with a friend, or family. I don’t mind the drive and figure friendships are worth the sacrifice of time. A few years ago, my husband and I drove cross county, over 1,200 miles from Wisconsin to Houston Texas, to connect with a friend, although maybe next time I’ll fly!

A few weeks ago I had a birthday and my daughter texted a few days before saying she wanted to connect, in my town. I felt so honored that she would make time and drive to have a little lunch with me and see our house-in-progress. Then a few days later, another friend made the drive and took me to lunch, even looking for a place that I hadn’t tried before (and was wonderful). We got to sit and talk for long time. She made me a lovely birthday gift and I will think of her every time I use it, which will be often.

Two times in one week, people who love me showed that love by coming to spend time with me. Quality time. What a gift.

When I write, most of the best interaction between characters are in person, face-to-face interactions. Not just phone calls, social media posts, and text messages. Since Covid, we’ve become less inclined to do that in real life because we’ve become too comfortable with the distance. We sacrifice love for the sake of perceived safety. In a novel, those personal interactions are where people can go deeper in their understanding of one another.

When my husband and I are busy with all of our projects, sometimes I have to tell him that I need that quality time, away from the house, where we can talk about a lot of things, not the urgent work that sometimes takes priority. We regularly spend an hour at night talking before we go to sleep and I treasure that connection. Quality time is an essential part of our marriage.

I spend time reading the Bible and journaling every morning. It struck me that while I might think I’m really great at coming to meet with God, and it is, there’s more. Sure, I want to grow closer to Him. I want to grow in my faith and knowledge of God. In wisdom. I find that my time with God makes my day better.

I was missing something more important. God comes to meet with me. From heaven to earth, through the Holy Spirit, it might not be forty-five miles, and it’s more than 1,200. It is a distance I cannot fathom. Because of Jesus and His death on the cross, and the gift of the Holy Spirit indwelling, I have the honor of God meeting with me at great cost to Himself. I started taking it for granted. I’d lost the wonder of how miraculous and what a gift that God, the Creator of the universe would drop everything to meet with me any time I call upon Him, because He dwells within me by His Spirit. What a mind-boggling gift!

I don’t expect my friends to travel long distances to meet with me. Maybe I don’t feel like I’m worthy of that even though I will gladly do that for them. God loves me even more than that.

How far have you traveled to give the gift of quality time to someone? Do you have friends you would go to great lengths to go to spend time with them? How about God? Are you treasuring the time with Him? My depth of appreciation has deepened for the time I spend with God, since to real life humans reminded me, just by showing me their love, that the gift of quality time is precious.

Author Confessions: My Journey to Faith

Jul13
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: My Journey to Faith

It dawned on me I never shared how I came to have a relationship with Jesus, so figured now was as good a time as any.

I was raised in Wisconsin and am the oldest of 6 children. As a child I would pray and was drawn to God. Even in private religious school I couldn’t seem to get close to Him and longed for that. My journals from way back then are filled with prayers and longing for Him (See? I was a writer way back then!). When I got to public high school I heard some kids talk about Campus Life/Youth for Christ and the meetings and concerts they would go to. They thought I was a Christian. So did I! I kept begging to be invited.

That first meeting they talked about misconceptions people have about Christianity and it was the first time I understood that I could have a personal relationship with Jesus. No mediator. I already understood that I was a sinner and that Jesus died for my sins, but longed to be close to God and didn’t know how to get there. Now I did! I prayed that night and my life was drastically changed. I was fifteen.

A week later I was in the local Christian bookstore to purchase a Bible. I ran into the director of Youth for Christ and told him my experience. He said, “It sounds like you’ve been born again.” I’d never heard those words before but it sounded right. I began devouring Scripture and attending meetings to learn and grow in my faith. The first Bible verse I ever memorized as a new believer was “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” (James 4:8). I became eager to share what I was reading and learning with my family, wanting them to come to know Jesus. I confess I was overzealous and obnoxious. My mother insisted I talk to their church leadership who then informed me I could not read the Bible without him guiding me. My parents forbade me from reading Scripture.

I wanted to honor my parents but realized from what I had already read in the scriptures, that my primary duty was to honor God. So, I read my Bible, but didn’t talk about it much at home. I continued to attend the church of my parents but also would attend a church that preached the gospel. I began to see how the religion I was brought up in didn’t square with what I was reading.

When I was 18, I was baptized by immersion and stopped attending my parent’s church. Funny note, the church I was attending didn’t have a baptismal. They would use one at another church building, but that June they hadn’t heated the water. I was instead baptized in a neighbor’s backyard swimming pool. At least it was warm!

I’ve been walking with God for 45+ years now. He has been with me through all the ups and downs of life, leading and guiding me, often out of my comfort zone. I could tell countless stories where He has worked and done sometimes even small things to show His love and power to me, and that even when I was in a difficult place, He hadn’t forgotten me. That includes leading me to my husband, Ben. God’s fingerprints are all over our meeting and courtship. I cannot imagine going through life without Jesus.

When I started writing I couldn’t help but have faith be a key part of any story. I tried once to write a story without it and failed and had to rewrite it. The faith line in Whitney’s Vow is not blatant, but it is there!

We recently moved and found a new church. God has taken the brokenness of the past and given me renewed joy in worshipping and seeking Him in this new season of life. We might be building a house (with God’s help!) but He’s still doing a remodeling project in me.

Notice I haven’t mentioned any denomination or religion in my post. That is by design. Christianity is not about a religion but a relationship and I’m so glad!

Psalm 19:14 is the prayer of my heart: “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.”

What’s your journey to faith in Jesus?

Author Confessions: Big Hairy Audacious Goals

Jul6
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Author Confessions: Big Hairy Audacious Goals

Have you heard of Big Hairy Adacious Goals before? It was a thing many years ago, and while maybe the BHAG is not quite as talked about now, it is still a thing.

As a young person, I didn’t have any big hairy audacious goals. In reality, I chickened out from doing some things. Life circumstances didn’t give me the confidence to take the risks. I’m intentionally not being specific here because I want you to perhaps think about what big thing you might have passed up out of fear.

My husband on the other hand wanted to start a company like his father had. Make his own way in the world in a “I’ll show you,” kind of way. He worked in a factory by day and did sales on his breaks, and seeing people at night to sell things. His company helped him raise a huge passel of kids and he loved doing the work.

Until he didn’t. Sometimes work environments get tainted and the shine wears off. Then his wife took the company in the divorce and claimed she started it. Alone.

He doesn’t miss it. He doesn’t miss the way he was treated and devalued.

Then he met me and life started fresh and he’s set new goals for himself. Goals that get him up early in the morning and keep him busy all day. A new goal. Pursuing a dream he’d long had. I get to cheer him on through the ups and downs of acheiving that goal.

I never had great goals. Oh, I finished graduate school and got a job that I enjoyed. Then I wanted to have kids. After the second one, I got my dream of staying home with the kids. However, much like my husband’s history, that was fraught with some toxicity which made living out that dream, an everyday dream for many woman, difficult to survive.

I did survive, however, and when I was freed form the toxicity, I met someone who wanted me to get in on some multi-level marketing. I was hesistant but I was in need of an income. I was challenged to dream big about items I would spend the money on. God led me away from that.

All I ever really wanted was someone to love me, a home, my dog, and a garden. And to be able to keep writing.

Notice I didn’t say I wanted to be rich. Funny, since I was deep into poverty at that point. Sure having a newer car would be good, and the ability to keep my kids comfortable. For some people who have been beaten down by life, that is the big hairy audacious goal.

Around the time I met my husband, I was barely keeping my head above water financially but I was doing OK and started looking for work outside the home. My kids were older.

When I married my husband, he would have been fine with me working, but I didn’t need to. The needs of my family and myself were met. I was finally loved, had a home, a dog, and a garden. My kids were safe and provided for. I chose to stay home and my husband has continually expressed gratitude for that and what that provides him at the end of the day. The two kids who remained with me at the time also had the benefit of my availability when they went through some difficult periods. I even got to tow each kid out of a ditch! For my son it was on one off the coldest days of winter, but together we did it. Something I would never have been equipped to do in my old life. Bitter cold wasn’t fun, but being there for him then, still warms my heart now.

As an author, I’m supposed to be pursuing huge sales and a platform that gets the clicks. I’ve worked with a lovely virtual assistant (Hello, Bonnie!) and learned a lot of things. I’ve put much of that into practice in a way that works best for me so I don’t need to pay someone else to do that. There’s this idea of “return on investment,” when it comes to marketing and for me it’s pretty low. I’ve spoken with my publisher about what I should and shouldn’t do to market my books, so while I might not be doing everything others think I “should” be doing, I’m doing work she approves of and not much more.

I keep writing because I enjoy it and people who read my books tell me they want more. I hope there are more than just the few names that popped into my head just now: Heidi, Joan, Jenny, Kimberly, Anita, Lynn, and more that have written reviews (Thank you!). In reality, with all the marketing, and writing a blog, and well, just LIFE, it can be hard to be an author. My kids have moved out and I should have a lot of time to write books, but one husband can definitely take up more time! (and is worth it!). We are in transition as well, and that has placed us in a season like no other. This planner has learned to flex a lot.

So what’s my BHAG now? What big hairy audacious goal do I have at this point? I want to be in our home, welcoming friends for a meal, a game night, or a craft day. Or having people over for dinner to learn more about Jesus and the life He calls us to. I want to make a welcoming space for my husband to come home to, and for me to create in, whether it’s stories, or embroidering, or making cards. I can’t wait to plant bulbs for next spring and design my landscaping.  That doesn’t sound very big, does it?

As I was thinking about this though, a quote that Mary DeMuth made in her book, Restory Your Life, has resonated with me. “God does not call us to be spectacular, He calls us to be faithful.”

Maybe for some people that will mean having the resources for an expensive home, luxury cars, and travel. Maybe for some it means being on a best-seller list, or a keynote speaker (well-paid I’m guessing) at events.

Being on a best-seller list would be nice. Having a significant income from writing would be lovely. The reality for me is that I’m called to be faithful. My first pursuit is Jesus. Every day. Before anything else. And if He wants me to have any of those things He can make it happen. Right now, in this seasion, I’ve scaled back on doing author events, or being on faculty at writers conferences, which I love to do. And that’s OK. Will I ever do those things again? I don’t know.

I don’t need more than I have right now. Oh, sure there are prayers I pray for my kids as I watch their lives from a distance and remind myself their stories aren’t over yet.

Probably the one BHAG I haven’t mentioned is that I want to be able to encourage others on their walk with God. Whether I do that here, or one-on-one at a conference, or in my living room, is irrelevant. Big dreams and books sales pale in comparison to giving someone a kind word, or a hug to let them know that Jesus, and I, love them. That they matter. That God sees them. I’m still meeting people in my community and that can be lonely, yet at the end of the day when I got to give someone a word of encouragement, so they know they were seen, well, that’s priceless isn’t it? Big Hairy Audacious Goals don’t need to be about money. For me it’s about impacting people’s lives, and that happens one person at a time.

God sees me and He can do amazing things in my life. He already has done more than I could have dared to dream. If He can do that, then the best biggest hairy audiacious goal would be to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” I doubt He’ll be looking at my bank account when He says it.

How about you? What are your big hairy audacious goals?

Author Confessions: Fractured Faith

Jun29
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Fractured Faith

I’ve walked with God for more years than I’d like to admit. I’m still learning and growing and the more I learn the more I understand how little I know and God has to break through the me that was to make the a person who will be a better image bearer of Christ.

If I look in the mirror, I see an image that is, well, me. But if that mirror is cracked, the image is distorted. When glass is cracked the ability to see through it clearly to make out objects on the other side, is hard to make out. Broken mirrors and glass refract light all over in new ways.

I’m starting to think of myself as fractured glass. I’ve never been a put-together, no-issues-here kind of gal. I’m a WYSIWIG – What You See Is What You Get. Not that I will share the deep down dark secrets of my soul with everyone, but I’m no good at pretending I have it all together.

When I was in a difficult marriage, my countenance was simply me. When that relationship ended many people commented that I appeared brighter and happier. I personally couldn’t notice the difference. The heaviness of the years of abuse had taken a toll and when that was gone, the light of Jesus inside me could shine more brightly to those around me. That was His doing–not mine.

Now, that’s not to say that going through hard times will dim your shine. It might in some ways, but I’ve found that being honest in my struggles, and my faithfulness and devotion to God in the midst of that, speaks louder to many people. The difference between my joyful face then and after were different, and to those who watched me on the path of obedience to God’s calling, could discern the difference and rejoice with me in what God did to rescue me from that.

I wonder if someday, when I’m before God, if the fractured glass will finally fall to the ground to be swept away by His grace and love and I will finally be the full, complete, whole person He designed me to be. I like that thought. It makes the fractures seem less of an iconvenience and more of a part of a beautiful testimony of God’s work in my life. Fractured faith isn’t failure. It’s growth.

So I’ll embrace my fractured faith as I lean into learning more and letting God continue to change me. The process won’t stop until I’m dead so I might as well lean into it instead of whine to myself that I “should” have all this down by now. How about you? Have you sometimes felt inadequate? That God is breaking your long-held beliefs or showing you new things about Himself you didn’t know before? Or perhaps sin you’ve been blind to? Growing pains come with the fractured faith but I’m glad Jesus keeps holding it all together to refract His glory through my imperfect reflection of Him to a hurting world. I hope you’ll do the same.

Author Confessions: God and Me and a Cup of Tea

Jun22
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: God and Me and a Cup of Tea

I might have written about this before and if I’ve told you this story, please give me grace because it is one of my favorite stories to tell of God’s goodness, even though it was relatively small in comparison to what might have been considered “bigger” needs for God to meet. I told it to someone the other day and it hit me in a new way and I am overwhelmed with gratitude that God shows up in unexpected ways like this.

Years ago, in a verbally abusive marriage and living in a tiny, moldy, three bedroom mobile home, raising raising three little kids and not working outside my home anymore, I struggled to try to honor my then-husband as “head” of our household. He wasn’t walking with God and refused any attempts at accountability from men at church.

Every morning I made myself a spiced chai latte from a powder that I ordered online. I saved money by buying it in bulk (these were the days before amazon!). That cup of tea was part of my time with God every morning, early in the kitchen before the kids (or husband) were awake. It enabled me to have peace and quiet and watch the sunrise from the living room window that faced east.

I was running low, so I ordered the chai. When it was delivered it was left outside our mobile home. Husband picked it up and brought it in to the kitchen and in his ever not-so-charming-abusive tone asked, “What is this?”

I had ordered chai many times before and the box clearly stated where it was from and what it contained.

“It’s chai. I was running low and ordered some.”

“You can’t have this. It has suger and that’s not good for you,” he said as he grabbed the box and carried it down the hall and placed it on the dryer in the bathroom before leaving the mobile home.

I shook my head and prayed. “God I know the chai is fine for me to have, but I will submit to my husband even if I don’t agree with him. I don’t need chai to meet with you. If YOU decide that having a cup of chai in the morning is fine, you will  make him bring that box in here and open it up and refill the container.”

Later, I informed the “head” our home that I did not appreciate being spoken to like he had.

Every morning after that, I came to the kitchen and made my chai. The last day I finished what remained in the container. I washed it out and set it aside to dry and told God again that I was grateful for the chai but I would honor Him. If it was OK for me to have that treat every morning, He knew how to tell me so.

My husband never knew about that prayer. I’ve never told him this story.

That Friday, he came storming in into the mobile home and went to the kitchen and opened the door where we kept the chai container. He slammed it shut asked, “Where’s the chai?”

I pointed to the empty container and said, “I drank the last of it this morning. It’s all gone.”

“Didn’t you buy more?” Funny question, right? He was serious! He’d completely forgotten his announcement only a few days before.

“Yes, I did.”

“Well, where is it?”

“You placed the box on the dryer.”

He stormed down the hallway, grabbed the box, opened it up and took out a bag of chai. He cut open the bag and poured it into the container and then went to make himself a cup of tea.

He didn’t usually drink chai and it has minimal caffeine. He got his chai in a mug and headed back out to his office.

I smiled to myself and said, “God, You are truly awesome. Thank You.”

Now, why is this story so important to me? Did I NEED chai? Not at all. It is a luxery, a treat. I’ve gone a year without it when I went totally without sugar. I now have chai without the powder, and am fully satisfied.

It matters for these reasons, but the last one hit me fresh because I had totally missed then what God really did in that moment.

  • First – I share this because God does meet our needs, and this was definitely a want. But He delights in giving good things to His children.
  • Secondly – God can even use people who are not following Him to show His glory. Even if in that moment it was only to me.
  • Third, and the point I originally missed when I’ve told that story, was this: God did meet a very real NEED in my life at that moment. Not for chai. He showed me that in my struggles and pain. I was not alone. He saw me. Giving me a cup of chai was a small thing. Back then I rejoiced that God acted on my behalf, in spite of my husband’s declaration and forbidding me to have chai and missed this.

What brings me to tears is that He met the need I didn’t express. He knew me. He respected my obediance to an unjust order by an abusive person. He protected me. He provided a want, but what I needed more than anything, and maybe I never fully realized it as much as I do now, almost 15-20 years later, was that He was always there and saw me, and loved me.

I hate asking for prayer requests. We often ask for healing, or help, or for our finances, or for us right now issues with building a house as a deadline looms for us to move out of our apartment. In reality, what we really need, or maybe it’s just me, is more of Jesus. To have that kind of faith that boldly asks for minor things.

All these years later – it’s been probably thirty years since I started my chai-love combined with my time with God- it is still God and me and a cup of tea every morning. And that cup, even though the mug is different as they seem to break after a time,  is something I hope I never take for granted. He sees me. He sees you. And He delights in meeting more than our needs when we submit our lives to Him. I have so many more stories but this one is a favorite and I’m glad He keeps revealing more of who He is to me, every time I share it. What an amazing God we serve!

God has since given me a new husband (met him 8 years ago!) who will go out of his way to get me a cup of chai when we travel. He sees it as a way to show he cares. He sees me too. I am blessed.

Do you have any stories like this? I would love to hear them!

 

 

Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part III

Jun15
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part III

If you haven’t read parts I and II you might want to read them before continuing here.

Even if people don’t change,  we are commanded to forgive those who sin against us, whether they are unrepentant or not, does not mean that reconciliation is in order. I can forgive a woman from a church where I had been employed, who years ago verbally abused me to the degree that I returned to my apartment and sat curled up on the floor as if I’d been hit, and bawled my eyes out. Nothing she said was true and when I tried one more time to reconcile, I realized the unsolvable conundrum she had for me to prove I was repentant for the sins she stated I had done. The reality is, I was being gaslit. Had I made mistakes in our relationship? Yes. Had I worked through those things. Absolutely. It tooks months, lots of counseling, journalling, tears and seeking God. Because I was in a ministry position, I couldn’t share that pain with anyone else. When she was confronted by church leadership, she accused them and our pastor of horrible things as well. Her family left our church and I grieved. I grieved for unconfessed sin. I grieved that the gifts God had given her were taken from our church. And I grieved the future where another church, or person in leadership, would be faced with similar behaviors.

When I moved on in life, the lessons I learned reaped benefits in the ministries I engaged in. I was changed. Leadership in a church can be difficult and people will find fault. I developed skills to help me deal with that but it was still painful, especially when there were lies someone said about me. Over time, in every situation, I was vindicated. God proved me to be faithful and true as I followed Him. Notice I didn’t say perfect. I’m a long way from that.

Can people change? I would hope that woman had. I still bear emotional scars and would be hesitatant to trust someone like that again. I won’t name names, but it seems that every woman I’ve met with her first name have been unsafe for me. I gave them all a chance and every one proved to be similar! I’m learning to trust the Holy Spirit within me. If someone is making me feel uneasy, before, during, or after time spent with them, I have learned to stop questioning why and avoid those people. Can those people change? I would hope so. I don’t believe God has called me to be the means by which He does it, since He tells me to stay away.

It takes a long time to develop that and I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to be liked. Don’t we all? But I can’t sacrifice myself and expose myself to abuse if the Spirit leads me away from someone.

Life is hard. It is filled with challenges that are painful. If we allow God to work, He can mold us more and more into the character of His Son, Jesus. It is our choice. He doesn’t force it on us.

Can people change? Maybe.  Perhaps it would be better to pray, “God, will you change me?”

Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part II

Jun8
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part II

If you haven’t read last week’s post, you might want to do that before you read this one.

What about other aspects of personality? Can people change if they have a personalitly disorder? How about narcissism? When I first began to understand this personality disorder it seemed like this was something people can’t control about themselves. Yet one author speaks about those who are abusive in this way as being very aware and calculating? Can they change? Can someone who gaslights as easily as drinking their morning cup of coffee, suddenly stop?

Modern psychology would say no, but some would say that with long-term counseling a person could change their behavior even if the core issues are not erased. As a Christian though, I hope that God could change anyone. God doesn’t force people to change and sometimes even trauma for someone with a personalitiy disorder, will only cause them to dig in deeper or amplify their grandiosity or paranoia.

We live in a world impacted by sin. We all have sinful tendencies and our physical bodies, even our genetics is touched by this as well as our family dynamics, and the events that impact us as we grow up.

Can God save someone like this? I would love to think it could be true. God can use anyone for His purposes and glory whether they bend their knee to Him or not. (Pharoah in Egypt is an example).

I’m not writing this to point fingers, or to call anyone irredeemable or conversely to say we need to have compassion and not enforce consequences on those who commit sin, whether big or small. All sin has consequences but obviously some are more far reaching than others and God, realizing this, gave us laws that are written on our hearts, to follow.

How does this impact writing? Some characters, usually not the main ones in a story, might not change from their dysfunctional behaviors. A good author shows the main characters maturing as the story progresses, as cirumstances challenge long-held beliefs, or challenges cause them to learn a new way to deal with life. They may discover something new about faith, or about God and His character, that modifies their goals and behavior.

I learned early on when I was counseling, that people who came to their appointments and talked about their issues, were more likely to grow. Those who cancelled or just didn’t show up–didn’t. I prefered to work with those who were motivated to engage in the work. Did that mean all of them grew? No. One day a client didn’t show and was unreachable. She had killed herself. Nothing in our times together or in recent historical notes ever indicated any suicidal ideation or plan. We had to dig back through years of notes to discover it had been an issue long ago. This person went through the motions but the realilty is, as she began to feel better, she had the energy to act on those long buried desires. At her funeral, someone read from a journal I had asked her to keep. A journal of all she was grateful for.

It was a gut punch. Something designed to help her reframe her life and find hope and meaning in the midst of chronic mental illness, did just the opposite. Her journal, however, gave her family a sense of peace. Had she really changed? Not at the core of who she was, but on the surface she did. It was all a smokescreen. Some people can be great at pretending.

And that’s the challenge in real life, isn’t it? Is the change real? Can it be trusted? And to what degree does a person in a relationship with someone who has been engaging in some sinful practice, learn to trust that the change is real? Whether it is pornography, adultery, gambling, alcoholism, lying, emotional/verbal/physical abuse or neglect, when does someone trust that a person truly has changed? And does trust mean that the relationship can be maintained or is distance required?

Can people change? Stay tuned as I’ll explore this further next week.

 

Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part I

Jun1
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Can People Change?

It wasn’t too long after I started writing that I realized that seeing a character change through a story, is essential. Changing spiritually, whether coming to faith or growin in the faith (sanctification) is important to me. Emotional change is also essential. One can’t truly mature spirtually unless they grow emotionally as well. If one happens and not the other they are not fully growing in the character of Christ.

Can people change? Some would say that personality cannot change. While it is true that much of who we are is more hard-wired into us, I do believe there can be modificatons to our personality. For instance, if you look at the Meyers-Briggs Personality Test, there are four areas of measurement that are on a continuum of extremes. For instance: Introverted or Extroverted scale which is probably the easiest to understand. Some people might appear shy but not talking much is not necessarily a sign of being an introvert. It’s where you get your energy – from being with people or alone.

So how can something that seems so foundational–change? Someone who is extroverted who is verbally abused and silenced might learn to bury their toughts instead of processing them out loud. Being denied much interaction with others where they draw their energy can also mute some of that. Essentially, trauma can modify personality.

When the trauma is removed, the brain (and the body) struggles to recognize things are safe and for those aspects of personality to emerge. They might never fully be expressed again in the way they had been.

Over the past few months I’ve been reading books that talk about the neuroplasticity of the brain and rewiring of that. Retraining the brain takes time, especially after trauma, but obviously trauma itself can do it as well.

So can people change? To some degree, they can. Stay tuned for next week as I explore this further!

 

Author Confessions: Remembering the Dead

May25
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Remembering the Dead

I never served in the military but my paternal grandfather did. Years ago, with the permission of my grandmother, I retyped and published a small book of my Grandpa’s writings from WWII where he served in India.

You can find the book here: Journey to Lekhipani: A G.I.’s Experiences in WWII. It is a short read and I’ve priced it as low as I possibly can. I’m not making money off of this book.

I’d like to think I got some of the writing gene from my grandpa, James B. Pollard. Until I read his writings I knew him as the kind man who would find ping pong balls for us when we would lose them in the basement of their house, or who helped me get behind-the-wheel hours, and then tried to talk my dad in to buying the car he was selling so I would have it! (My dad declined).

Reading his writings though reminded me that he, and the majority of those who served in WWII, were quite young, and in some ways immature. Not necessarily my grandfather who was already married and had two kids by the time he deployed. I wanted the book published so my kids, and grandkids and others would be able to understand the complex man he was, an some of what he went through which is only one little window into one life in wartime.

My grandmother couldn’t bear to talk about that period of time and never saved any of the letters she wrote him or he wrote to her. These writings were never mailed because he could be honest about troop movements and locations which could not be shared at that time. I still want to see a troop ship someday based on his description, the enormity of it is beyond my brain’s ability to grasp.

I still miss my grandpa. My grandmother and my father are now gone as well. Still, this Memorial Day, I remember him, and all those who have served. Especially those who died while serving, whether in the Revolutionary war or the current conflicts going on around the globe. That’s what today is for.

Of course, I will still thank any veteran (and their wife!) for their service if I come upon them. It is only right to do so. The life I have the privilege to live, worship, create, and build, here in the United States of America, is because of them.

Have a wonderful Memorial Day, and remember the dead who gave you the freedom to picnic, play, work, worship, and speak freely even if you disagree with the people who we vote (freely) to administer the gift that is our nation. It came at a high price and preserving it is still worth dying for.