Tag Archive | worship

Author Confessions: I Can’t Change Myself

Apr13
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: I Can’t Change Myself

For all the talk people will say about making changes to your diet, exercise, goals etc, I find that in reality I can’t change myself. Maybe I don’t want change enough? Or maybe I like the idea of certain changes but lack the gumption to follow through.

Oh, I know about making baby steps and I’ve accomplished goals that way. Making things a game helps too. Or competing against a goal, almost like I try to see if I can beat the arrival time a GPS gives me on Google Maps. (Don’t tell me you haven’t tried!)

The reality is, the biggest and most significant changes have come about when I’ve asked God to direct me. He’s the one who opens a door for that change and it might seem impulsive for me to step through, yet it might be something I’ve prayed about for months. True heart change comes from the inside out–not the outside in with manufactured disciplines. My stubborn heart rebels against that.

Thankfully, God knows my heart, my mind, my personality and all the quirks that make me uniquely–me. I’ve asked Him to help me mature, grow, and change and I’ve also asked that He be gentle with me. Sometimes He uses circumstances to force change in my life that I might have resisted. Or He leads me on a path that I think will logically be a good thing and in the process I struggle with the necessary changes that are a necessary part of the process.

We sold our house and moved to a community I used to live in over 25 years ago. With social media, emails, and texting, I can stay close to people I love, but the reality, I almost feel invisible to them due to the distance and the scarcity of contact. Was the contact more frequent before that? Maybe, maybe not. But I was immersed in a world where people knew me.

Now I’m a stranger in a strange land. (My hubby would be telling right now that strange is the perfect word for me! And he’d be correct!)

We found a church we love but due to all that’s going on in our lives we haven’t been able to plug into serving yet. I’m an unknown quantity there. Any of my previous ministry expriences do not mean I will serve in the same way here. I’m a small fish in a big pond. The waiting is hard but I realize that God is doing deep work in my soul drawing me into a deeper relationship with Him.

He has restored eager anticipation to go to church for worship, or for our life group, or the women’s study I’m in. They are the highlights of my week. It’s an experience that had been lost over the years for more reasons than I want to go into now.

I used to sing all the time, at home, in the car, everywhere. For years though, I couldn’t sing because I worked supporting the production team in the booth. I couldn’t sing because I needed to be listening for problems. Was the sound mix good? Were there issues with tech that needed to be solved? After years of this, I finally got a chance to join a team on stage for worship. I was going to lead a song with my guitar and I had practiced a lot. I played the instrument fine, but do you think I could find my note to start the singing? Cue deep humiliation and embarrassment when someone else rescued the moment. It was an individual who had derailed my ability to serve at that church in many ways. That was eight years ago and the accumulated trauma surrounding worship ministry, culminating with a moment that no one else realized was painful for me, has kept me from stepping back on a stage to lead worship or to sing even though I have been asked on various occassions. My guitar was packed away. My voice silenced. Shame imprisoned me.

My husband loves to hear me sing and I’m content to have him listen to me worship in church when I am by his side. I realized that I lost more than my voice. I lost much of the joy music gave me because of the pain tied to it. So I’ve been challenging myself to sing more.

I came across a chapter in a book about how the Holy Spirit inhabits our praise and praising God opens up the door for the Holy Spirit to work more in our lives. I’ve been playing music more in my car as I drive and trying to sing at least one song out loud, whether it’s at home or on the road. I don’t really count worshipping at church in that goal. I find that easier than ever to do this with a full heart of gratitude for the Savior Who has graciously brought me back to that joy, leaving the shame behind.

I’m not ready to step back on stage to sing. I’m not that great of a vocalist. I don’t know if God will call me into that ministry in our new-to-us church. I’ve done a  variety of ministries within previous churchs and it’s possible God may have something new lined up for me. Like a kid eager to open gifts at Christmas, I wait, trusting that He has something beautiful in store.

In the meantime, my job is to steep myself in Bible study, memorization, being quiet before Him, singing praises in and out of church, and using the gifts God has given me to encourage others right now, whenever I see something praiseworthy. It’s kind of fun letting God open up doors for those moments to blurt out something to lift another person’s day, simply because I’m blessed to be a witness to the work God is doing in their lives. I can strive to be open to the opportunities to share His love to my neighbors and others I might meet.

So maybe I’m not where I long to be, plugged into my church, but that doesn’t mean I’m being passive. Whether I’m making my husband’s favorite meal, cleaning the house, doing laundry, walking the dogs, ironing shirts, running errands for our house, or chatting with a neighbor as my puppy tries eager to get all the pets possible, God can use me right here and now and I embrace that.

He’s working other changes in me as well and the process hasn’t always been comfortable. At times it has been downright lonely because I haven’t developed close enough relationships where I can get together with someone to talk about life. The key word here is YET. God is enough and I’ve started using an audio journal to help me talk through stuff with Him when I don’t have another human to process with. Yes, I do share things with my hubby but not all the ramblings in my brain! Sometimes God is the only one who gets to hear those.

I can’t change myself, but I know Someone Who can – and I’m doubly grateful for the work the Holy Spirit is doing in me to prepare me for when we are in our home and have even more opportunities to connect with people. Or where He’ll open doors at our church. I recognize it’s a process and leaning into the best change-agent around: Jesus. I can’t change myself–but He can.

 

Author Confessions: Who Is My Audience?

Aug11
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Who Is My Audience?

This is a questions authors are asked by publishers and agents. When writing a book, who is your audience? Who are you hoping will purchase this book? It can’t be too broad. I write romance and I cannot say, “Women from 18 to 98.”

Although I have had women from that age range (and younger, and sometimes men!), the idea is to narrow down the audience so marketing can be aimed their direction.

I ran some advertisments last year through META and it was funny because someone messaged me complaining about my ad being on her page. “Get off my page!” she stated. I explained that it was automated and she can tell Facebook she doesn’t want to see the advertisment. I told her to have a nice day and then she was nicer to me. Obviously, regardless of what META’s algorhythm was, she wasn’t my target audience.

I’ve had teenagers read my books and I’ve had a man in his 80’s be the first in line to pick up any new contemporary romance from me. A former pastor of mine also read all my books as they would come out. Mine were the only fiction he would read and he greatly enjoyed the stories.

So then, who is my audience?

Originally, I started writing for myself. I always loved Regency romances, however, many on the market have unnecessary sex scenes. There was not a lot of inspirational or Christian Regency romances available to someone who devoured them (me!). Those were my great escape. When I started writing, I wrote a Regency (The Virtuous Viscount) and the audience was: me.

I primarily write the stories I want to write, the ones I believe God is giving me. Some are easier to write than others and with everyone I learn new things about writing, life, and myself. Writing fiction can be a revelation to me, not just to the reader. When I’ve co-authored, there was a differen’t process for those books and to be honest, they were harder for me to write. I’m glad I did them, and I learned a lot, but prefer writing my own stories while still editing those of other authors I work with through Pelican Book Group.

I am my audience, but that doesn’t sell many books, does it? It takes a lot of my time between the first draft, edits, and then going through the publishing process (with numberous other edits) and marketing. I do want other people to be blessed by the books God gave me to write. They will not be everyone’s cup of tea, and there is a lot of great fiction out there.

While there’s a part of me that envies authors who have a bigger audience and reach, I remember that I only need to reach the one person who needs the message God gave me for each book. A message that might encouraged them, or cause them to draw close to God in a fresh way, or even for the first time. While that’s a noble thought it doesn’t pay all the people who work on that book, does it? Every single one deserves to be paid for the work they do from cover art, editing, copyediting, formatting, getting it in the system, marketing etc. A book at $17.99 isn’t going to be enough to pay for all that and the cost of printing.

While I say I write for myself, I’m missing the most important audience: Jesus, the Word Himself! I write as an act of worship and hope to honor Him with the words that are put on the page.

A relationship also happens with some readers, who I know personally, who have blessed me with their prayers and words of encouragement “When is the next book coming out?” It’s wonderful to know there are those who love the stories, but some of them even love me. That is a blessing I cherish.

All that to say, I pray that God will lead people who need my stories to find those books. I work harder at that now than I ever did on the marketing. Not sure yet how that will all work out but I recognize that fame and fortune, while good and yes, I would like money to help sustain the basic necessities of life, are not as important as honoring God in and through the process. He is the One who is in control.

Fans of my stories can also help by writing reviews on Amazon. They can be short and sweet but they can help others find my books. Also helpful is sharing with others about them and recommending them. Word of mouth, or sharing on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter can help as well. The nice thing for new readers is, there is a great back-catalogue of stories for them to read if they decide they like my stories.

I’ll keep plugging away at the writing… and appreciate your prayers and encouragement on the way.

Who is my audience? Most likely it’s you.

Author Confession: The Dangerous Emotion of Jealousy

Jan6
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confession: The Dangerous Emotion of Jealousy

Jealousy is another emotion we often downplay and don’t confront in others, much less ourselves. It’s a great tool in romance novels because jealousy can cause people to do things that create conflict and that’s always great for a story.

It’s not so good in real life. I’ve struggled with jealousy throughout my life. I’m sure you have to if you’re honest. It’s an emotion. Even God gets jealous but then He has good reason to be when His children seek worthless idols to distract them from a relationship with Him. We are all guilty of that. So when God is jealous and gets angry because of that jealousy, it is acceptable and not a sin.

For His created people, it is sin if we let ourselves simmer there. Jealousy is coveting what someone else has. The tenth commandment states: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife or his male servant or his female servant or his ox or his donkey or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” Exodus 20:17. Interesting that it does not disparage the desire for the gifts God has given us. Much like our Lord, we can be jealous for time with our spouse or children. As long as that emotion doesn’t lead us into sin.

I can drive around and admire homes without being jealous or wanting that particular home, or one like it. But if I am jealous and desire that home then I’m sinning because I am not content with what God has given me.

I’ve been jealous of other authors. Their successes. Their writing style. The big publishing contract. But I stop myself for a few reasons from dwelling there. Here’s why:

  • God gave them a unique voice and calling and to elevate theirs as superior is to denigrate the work HE has done in and through me.
  • Big book sales do not always equate to eternal impact. If I want to make money, I could write the stuff that really sells, but that is not what God has called me to do.
  • If I believe God has called and led me on the path I am on, it is wrong for me to compare that with the path He has someone else on.
  • I have no idea the sacrifices that person has made to get where they are. As most don’t know mine either.
  • If God blesses another author with a bigger sales and paycheck than myself and we are both being obedient to Him, then I should rejoice in His work because He knows the plans He has for all of us to use for His glory.

So how do I fight the tendency to jealousy? I stop and celebrate what God has done for that author. When it comes to Christian publishing, we are all on the same team! We don’t need to be competitive or one up another. That’s why I rejoined a writer’s group – so I could be a cheerleader and also be encouraged on my journey. I’ll admit sometimes I feel inferior no matter how many books I’ve written.

What about jealousy in other areas of life? We can elevate people based on outward appearances but we may not be aware of the dysfunction behind the scenes. Maybe a family looks great on the outside, perfect husband and wife and kids with no problems. At least for now. That you know of. Or someone with a great career, but again, we don’t know the sacrifices or maybe even the heartache that is going on deep inside. Good things come with a cost.

Being jealous is telling God that what He has given me isn’t good enough. It’s like the second son in the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) who is upset that the father never threw a party for him but gave one for the returning wastrel. Jesus told a parable about a master paying laborers the same even though some didn’t work as long. (Matthew 20:1-16) and likened this to the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus can distribute gifts through the Holy Spirit and blessings as HE sees fit and I have no right to be angry or jealous. My job is to honor and obey HIM and not seek other things, including a lucartive publishing contract or huge sales. If I submit to the Jesus and let the Holy Spirit reign in my heart and life than I have reward enough.

When I stand before the throne of God someday He is not going to ask me why my kids didn’t turn out as accomplished as someone else’s kids, or why my house wasn’t bigger or better, or cleaner! He’s not going to judge me on my BMI or the brand of clothing I wear. He won’t care how many people read this blog or how many books I wrote or sold, or how many people follow me on social media.

He will only care that I repented of my sins and put my faith in Jesus Christ alone.

There will be rewards for the obedience and forgiveness for my failures, even the ones I’m not aware of. That’s grace.

We all stand equal at the foot of the cross. It is a level playing field and the rest is smoke and mirrors. Where is my devotion? God is jealous for me to worship only Him not book sales. The dangerous emotion of jealousy can impact all of us in various ways. How do you deal with it?

Why Attend a Writer’s Conference?

Aug5
Reading Time: 2 minutes

My husband Ben and myself are heading out on a road trip from Wisconsin to Philadelphia. We love being together and figured it was less expensive than flying and renting a car to do any site-seeing while out there as we padded our time to be able to do that.

I am attending as a faculty member at the Greater Philadelphia Christian Writer’s Conference: Write His Answer. At heart, I’m a homebody. I get stressed doing the prep for a conference, the packing, making sure my notes are in order and arrangements for someone to stay with my kids and dog…

Then I attend and I am blessed beyond measure by the people I connect with, the friends I’ve made over the years who I get to see again, and the new ones I’ll make. Some vacation time in advance is always welcome. I love to teach so that is always fun.

Coming to be on faculty is not necessarily a financial boon to our family. This is a labor of love. A ministry to writers who are where I once was, wondering what I was to do with this story God had given me and not even realizing just how much I needed to learn!

Now I get to be on the other side, encouraging other writers on their journey, listen to their stories (fictional and real) and pray with them. So even if I take a financial loss, it is worth it from an eternal perspective.

I will leave blessed and drained. It will take me days to recover when I get back home because at heart I am an introvert.

Why should you attend a Christian writer’s conference?

  1. You will be blessed by the worship and teaching: inspired to write!
  2. You will make new friends. I have dear friends around the country who I met at writer’s conferences and our friendship goes beyond the written page.
  3. You will learn. Every person you meet, every one-on-one appointment with an agent or editor doesn’t need to result in a contract offer – but it can be a great opportunity to learn. And maybe at some point, that contract will happen! My first writer’s conference with agents and editors led me to one book contract within two months, a flash-fiction and a short story published within five months! Now the non-fiction didn’t pan out in the long run but I have to say that I learned so much from every person I met with, faculty or conferee.
  4. You’ll be exposed to great teaching and have the opportunity to bounce ideas off others.
  5. The people at a Christian writer’s conference understand you as a writer. The joys, the fears, the ups and downs. Not everyone outside of Christian publishing will get it. If you are a Christian author, these are YOUR people.

I’m sure I could come up with many other reasons but those are the first few that come to mind. If you want to come to Philly this week – there are still spots available and I’d love to meet you! Check out the website: https://philadelphia.writehisanswer.com/

Blessings!

Susan