Archives

Author Confessions: Love Takes Courage Part 1 of 3

Oct19
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Love Takes Courage Part 1 of 3

This thought has been bouncing around my brain for some time and might take more than one post to unpack. So here it goes.

Love takes courage. Why? What could cause me to say that?

Well, for one, love can hurt. It leaves the loved one vulnerable to pain. Writing romance novels where a happily-ever-after ending is the goal, is frought with obstacles to getting there. Betrayal, lies, disappointment along with physical obstacles like distance, health etc, can interfere. And worst of all are the obstacles that lie within us that can take courage to deal with before we can truly embrace love.

It amazes me that a man or woman can find a mate, know them for a little while and then commit to loving them for the rest of their lives. With all the individual family history and baggage we each come with, our ability (or inability) to deal with conflict, our self-centeredness as humans, and of course the challenges that get thrown in our way, that kind of committment to love is a big ask.

Yet we do it. I will admit that my first marriage, love might not have been the original motivating factor but I sought to love and it wasn’t reciprocated. My neighbor is from India and her marriage was arranged but they seem to be happy together. Love can grow when people act out of love.

My husband told me he wasn’t sure he knew how to love. I told him love isn’t just a feeling. It’s not raging hormones screaming for satisfaction. Love is action. It is a choice. Every day. To do what is best for your partner. To sometimes sacrifice for them. It requires self-lessness instead of selfishness.

Love is not abuse in any way, shape, or form. It is not disparaging remarks or name calling. It is not control over finances, words, clothing, and the choices of another. It is not withholding affection or even medical care as a way to manipulate.

I’m primarily talking about love between adults here. Marriage being the culmination between a man and a woman. Two people who are of equal value in the eyes of God, but who have different gifts, talents, abilities to contribute to the partnership. The man’s primary role is to love, lead, provide, and protect the wife (and subsequent family). The woman’s role is not less significant but she must respect the role of the husband and enable him to do it well by supporting him. These are all love in action.

Love involves complete trust in the other person. Praying for them.  Encouraging them. Showing love by meeting needs such as those of their love language (words of affirmation, quality time, touch, acts of service and gift-giving).

All of that requires risk and courage. It means sacrificing a part of my heart, time, and energy to benefit my spouse. And the same for him.  I cannot love anyone else well without the help of the Holy Spirit.

This is a huge topic and I’m only scratching the surface. But love requires courage. Next week I’ll be tackling how it also requires the courage to confront when necessary.

Author Confessions: Creativity Requires Courage

Oct12
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Creativity Requires Courage

As kids, we draw and color and it’s all considered great. I remember in preschool, coloring a drawing of grapes, green. Those were the only kind of  grapes I knew at that point because that’s what my mom bought. The teacher told me I was wrong. They should have been purple. It left a mark to the degree that I remember it all these (few) years later.

I love to be creative. It takes courage and reliliance to write a book and work through the publishing process. Edits can be scary and I internally carry some scars from some of those editors which mar my view of those stories. Until I read them again and am reminded that they are great. The process to get there for some of them, was messier than for others.

Pillow I made for a special anniversary.

Pocket of a bag I made.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I embroider and have made gifts with designs I’ve created. I don’t know all the possible stitches out there but I know enough to make some fun designs. I’ve made some bags that I use that have embroidered pockets. I’ve made pillows. It’s a hobby I enjoy. When it’s a pre-drawn design there is less fear than if I create my own. Creativity takes courage. The pillow above was based off a clip art image.

A few years back I watercolor painted huge flowers on our bedroom wall. That took courage. I’d never done it before! In our new home, my hubby wanted me to do something similar. I spent days painting but decided I didn’t like it and painted over it and began again. I won’t show you the first attempt–but this is the final one! I’m so happy with it! This one took me only five hours. The bed goes in the center of the wall and I already know how I’m decorating the middle.

Master bedroom wall – bed goes center.

I’ve also made cards and almost anyone I’ve gifted them to love them, but I often am far more critical. I know others make more complicated designs but it is a fun hobby.

When you see something beautiful, at a craft fair or anywhere else, even if you don’t want to purchase, please the the creator know that you appreciate the beauty because it took courage to not only craft it–but to put it out there for others to see.

God didn’t have fear in creating us and this beautiful world even though He already knew we would fall into sin and would need to rescue us. As much as I want to create beauty, in a garden, in my home, or through writing, embroidery, or making cards, or writing novels or anything else, God is the author of all beauty and I need to be clinging to Him and thanking Him not only for His creativity but for allowing me to create as well. I am able to overcome my fears and have the courage to create when I’m seeking Him first.

Do you enjoy creating anything? My husband fabricates things from scrap metal. While he’s not going for beauty, he finds a way to make things to serve a functional purpose. I admire courage he has to create as well. I would love to hear about what have the courage to create.

Author Confessions: The Church Matters Even in Fiction

Oct5
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Church Matters Even in Fiction

When I started writing my Orchard Hill Church series, I intentionally wanted a church to be the backdrop for all the main characters in the story because the church matters, even in fiction. The underlying connection in the Orchard Hill stories all comes back to the church. Why?

First of all,  the church is like a family in many ways, and to those who are devoted to following Jesus, the church is a foundational meeting place. Not all of them are safe places, or emotionally healthy, or possibly not theologically sound. I wanted to write about a church that could be the spiritually and emotionally healthy place for people to come. Because even if someone has had a negative experience with a local church, I wanted to make a fictional one where people could come and find a place to grow and belong regardless of life circumstances. Not as a substitute for the real church, but hopefully a template for someone to seek out in real life.

Secondly, accountability can play an important role in spiritual and emotional growth and maturity. In Pesto and Potholes, the first in that series, I wanted the church to be a safe place for Renata to find healing. She’d  been given bad information in a previous church (which does happen). Between help from a Women’s Ministry Director who guides Renata through her pain and a group of men who hold Tony accountable, the church played a vital role, not only in the emotional and spiritual growth of a couple but also their romance–but all in a way that honors God, not hormones.

Thirdly, I treasure the community of believers. While made of imperfect people, leaders and members alike, the church can and should be a force for good in our lives. Even writing Bratwurst and Bridges, where the main character was a pastor struggling with grief and identity I hoped to show that the church was made of fallible, struggling people, who sometimes fail. In Salsa and Speed Bumps – believers engage in judgement and condemnation without verifying the truth which has a painful consequence to our main characters, Stephanie and Roberto.

I’ve been wounded by people in the church. I’ve also experienced God using me in ways I never expected, by serving in the church and trusting healthy leadership. I’ve also had church leaders betray me and lie. Life is complicated and none of us are free from the impact of sin, or the tendency to sin or be influenced by toxic family histories. Even when things got tough, a former, no deceased pastor, had the axiom, “stay engaged through the pain.”

In a toxic church environment, people who are seeking truth and healing sometimes need to leave. We finally left a church where I walked away with some scars. We left more because we moved, but what should have been a much harder grief, instead brought relief. I’m grateful for the space of time in our new church which has restored my faith in the community of faith and where due to this season in my life, I can’t officially serve except to encourage people. No official ministry slot as I wait on God and test out the health of this community of flawed people. And it’s OK to be serving moment by moment as God puts me in a position to encourage or share truth from Scripture. I didn’t realize how much time I needed for healing.

Often in my stories characters will go to church and something, usually in a message, will spur them on to deeper faith and wiser choices in their walk to faith, or their walk of faith. I’ve tried writing without any faith line and failed. It didn’t work for me. The reality is, my faith is central to who I am. It is at my core and has to be expressed in my writing. And no matter how individuals at churches over the years have wounded me, I have used those moments to grow deeper in my faith with God, and thankfully, my love for the church at large.

The church matters, even in fiction, because faith is core to who we are as human beings, even if we don’t want to recognize the importance of the Creator who give us our next breath. It is always my hope that the stories will point to Jesus and that the Holy Spirit can draw them to Himself. Ultimately, my writing is an act of worship as I hope to encourage people to seek God or go deeper in their faith with him, all the while being entertained by a great story.

How do you view the church? Is it family to you? Or are you still finding that family? I’d love to hear about it and pray you find a place where you can be yourself as you grow in your relationship with God.

 

Author Confessions: Writing Animals in My Fiction

Sep28
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Writing Animals in My Fiction

Sometimes an author writes a book and includes something that pops up in similar ways in subsequent books. I briefly talked about this two years ago and you can find that post on Easter Eggs here. 

Actors are told not to work with kids or animals because they might steal the show. Writing fiction is not necessarily different from that although children and animals can be an effective character in the plot that the author is weaving.

I had a pet in every one of the stories in the Black Diamond Gothic Regency Series. I had fun with the parrot, Peaches, in The Baron’s Blunder, who loved to say “Balderdash and fiddlesticks.” The bird was a humorous foil although I never gave information on what kind of parrot it was, it’s name indicates it might have been a Peach Crested Cockatoo, a bird I would have loved to have owned at one time but they are incredibly needy.

In The Virtuous Viscount, there was an adorable Yorkshire Terrier, named Charlie. Those were  more there as foils for the main characters, but when I got to Lord Phillip’s Folly, a crow named Duke had a stronger plot line and was integral to saving the heroine’s life.

Then in Sir Michael’s Mayhem, there was a ferret, named Fidget, who was a key partner for Sir Michael Tidley and essentilaly was a spy. Yes, I had a ferret, in the Regency time period, acting as a spy. Did you know a ferret if not de-scented can actually spray much like a skunk does? Fun fact that I found when I researched and used to humorous (if not odiferous) effect in the tale. There was as pet kitten in Lord  Harrow’s Heart, named Mittens who was essential to rescuing the little boy, Dartanian. Finally, in The Captain’s Conquest there was a lamb with black face and legs, named Skallywag! That little lamb was so fun to write, and in many ways a  challenge to given the journey Lucy and Captain Jared Allendale endured.

I did put a little dog, Cooper, in Donuts and Detours, that I fashioned after my dog Spatzle, a Maltese/Shih Tzu mix.

When I co-authored a story with DeeDee Lake, Operation: Skirmish, my main character, Eliza, had a Macaw, a large parrot,  named Ramsey, who refused to talk for a good portion of the story.

I’m currently writing a gnome story for next year that features a Sun Conure, a smaller parrot, but they can be quite noisy. I  considered getting one of those at one time.

Pets can become another character in the story and as such can move the plot in ways much like any other human character, or simply be a background player. I’ve enjoyed writing animals into my fiction, and hopefully, you, as a reader, have enjoyed meeting my menagerie!

Author Confessions: What About Mercy?

Sep21
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: What About Mercy?

I was participating in a Bible Study of the book In His Image by Jen Wilkin, that was looking at the communicable attributes of God (those God shares with us) and how He calls us to relect His image and character to the world around us. What about mercy? How does that work and why would I be writing about it?

Justice, mercy, and grace are connected.

  • Justice is getting what we deserve -punishment for our sin.
  • Mercy is getting what we don’t deserve – compassion, Jesus died in our place for our sins.
  • Grace is getting what we don’t deserve – salvation, love, relationship with God among many other blessings.

In Chapter 5, God Most Merciful, I totally understood and appreciated the concept of showing mercy to others. In my own thoughts and even experiences in the Christian church (writ large) we often tend to jump to judging instead of mercy. In other words, being compassionate when we hear someone’s story instead of rushing to judgement. When I wrote Pesto and Potholes and Salsa and Speedbumps, I wanted to explore this concept, along with other themes. Writing those books was my way wrestling with my own sinful rush to judgement instead of extending mercy. Even if I never say anything, the thoughts in my mind are equally condemning.

This is how it the book impacted me adversely. The author, Jen Wilkin made a few statements that I fully agree with. We need wisdom in dispensing mercy. She states on page 81, ” When our offender persists in sinning against us, we are wise to put boundaries in place…. Mercy never requires submission to abuse, whether spiritual, verbal, emotional, or physical.”

First of all, let me say how refreshing these words are. After many years in an abusive marriage, almost every marriage book I read failed to acknowledge the depth of pain an abused spouse might be enduring. Leslie Vernick has some great books that can help of you are in those situations: The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope, and How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong. 

Gary Thomas’s blog post, Enough is Enough, was the first time I read anything that extended mercy to someone like myself. His premise is that the church has made an idol of the institution of marriage at the expense of the women (and men) who are suffering from abuse.

I believe that many rush to divorce without doing the hard work to make a marriage work. I resisted divorce and as a result lost friends over the years, being harshly judged for staying in a difficult marriage. I refused to divorce until GOD told me to. When He did, He gave me the courage to follow through and made a way through my fear. I had grieved the death of love in the marriage for years before. You might call me a heretic for stating God led me to divorce my spouse. Jewish leaders condemned Jesus as well for not following their prescribed religious beliefs.

After I filed for divorce, people would come to me, without knowing my story, and tell me I was wrong. My then-husband also called me an “evil, selfish, sinner.” I will only admit to the last one. I am a sinner. I have never claimed to be perfect in any relationship, but God’s mercy shields me from the consequences of that.

When I stayed, I was judged. When I left, I was judged. Thankfully the only opinion that matters on this is God’s.

Jesus’ grace brought me freedom, as well as newfound joy in my children’s lives once the weight of the verbal abuse was gone. He provided for our needs as I moved on in life, and eventually, brought a new love and life beyond what I could have ever dreamed or imagined possible. I intellectually understood God was good, but I doubted He would be good to me. I didn’t deserve it. His goodness to me throughout all that, apart from the condemnation from a few self-rightous folks, blew me away. Lavish, grace-love. That’s my Jesus.

When I read Jen Wilkin’s words, I had to fully own that I can too quickly rush to judgment of others instead of showing mercy and compassion. If I haven’t walked in their shoes, who am I to judge? I was blessed with godly and wise counsel before, during, and after my divorce, and even as I entered into a new marriage. God’s grace is overwhelmingly wonderful.

Even in church, I hesitate to state I was divorced because of the lack of mercy and rush to judgement many might think if not outright say. Even when I was divorced I thought of myself as single. The weight of shame was not part of who I was because I obeyed God, and continue to seek Him.

So, having read this, do you judge me? What about mercy? Does the your Christian faith have room for that? Mine doesn’t as much as I would like and I still struggle with that, even though I’ve experienced it so often from our great God. I’m growing, and hopefully you are too. The world needs more mercy and compassion.

 

Author Confessions: The Gift of Quality Time

Jul20
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Gift of Quality Time

If you’ve ever studied The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, you might know that one of them is quality time. That is one of my top love languages and I will often go out of my way to connect with people via one-on-one connections. However, if I offer a potential new friend my contact information or suggest connecting face to face and they aren’t responsive when I ask to set a time/date/location, then I let it go. I’m not that important to them and that’s fine. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.

Since I’ve moved, I will easily make the forty-five minute drive back to my hometown to connect one on one with a friend, or family. I don’t mind the drive and figure friendships are worth the sacrifice of time. A few years ago, my husband and I drove cross county, over 1,200 miles from Wisconsin to Houston Texas, to connect with a friend, although maybe next time I’ll fly!

A few weeks ago I had a birthday and my daughter texted a few days before saying she wanted to connect, in my town. I felt so honored that she would make time and drive to have a little lunch with me and see our house-in-progress. Then a few days later, another friend made the drive and took me to lunch, even looking for a place that I hadn’t tried before (and was wonderful). We got to sit and talk for long time. She made me a lovely birthday gift and I will think of her every time I use it, which will be often.

Two times in one week, people who love me showed that love by coming to spend time with me. Quality time. What a gift.

When I write, most of the best interaction between characters are in person, face-to-face interactions. Not just phone calls, social media posts, and text messages. Since Covid, we’ve become less inclined to do that in real life because we’ve become too comfortable with the distance. We sacrifice love for the sake of perceived safety. In a novel, those personal interactions are where people can go deeper in their understanding of one another.

When my husband and I are busy with all of our projects, sometimes I have to tell him that I need that quality time, away from the house, where we can talk about a lot of things, not the urgent work that sometimes takes priority. We regularly spend an hour at night talking before we go to sleep and I treasure that connection. Quality time is an essential part of our marriage.

I spend time reading the Bible and journaling every morning. It struck me that while I might think I’m really great at coming to meet with God, and it is, there’s more. Sure, I want to grow closer to Him. I want to grow in my faith and knowledge of God. In wisdom. I find that my time with God makes my day better.

I was missing something more important. God comes to meet with me. From heaven to earth, through the Holy Spirit, it might not be forty-five miles, and it’s more than 1,200. It is a distance I cannot fathom. Because of Jesus and His death on the cross, and the gift of the Holy Spirit indwelling, I have the honor of God meeting with me at great cost to Himself. I started taking it for granted. I’d lost the wonder of how miraculous and what a gift that God, the Creator of the universe would drop everything to meet with me any time I call upon Him, because He dwells within me by His Spirit. What a mind-boggling gift!

I don’t expect my friends to travel long distances to meet with me. Maybe I don’t feel like I’m worthy of that even though I will gladly do that for them. God loves me even more than that.

How far have you traveled to give the gift of quality time to someone? Do you have friends you would go to great lengths to go to spend time with them? How about God? Are you treasuring the time with Him? My depth of appreciation has deepened for the time I spend with God, since to real life humans reminded me, just by showing me their love, that the gift of quality time is precious.

Author Confessions: My Journey to Faith

Jul13
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: My Journey to Faith

It dawned on me I never shared how I came to have a relationship with Jesus, so figured now was as good a time as any.

I was raised in Wisconsin and am the oldest of 6 children. As a child I would pray and was drawn to God. Even in private religious school I couldn’t seem to get close to Him and longed for that. My journals from way back then are filled with prayers and longing for Him (See? I was a writer way back then!). When I got to public high school I heard some kids talk about Campus Life/Youth for Christ and the meetings and concerts they would go to. They thought I was a Christian. So did I! I kept begging to be invited.

That first meeting they talked about misconceptions people have about Christianity and it was the first time I understood that I could have a personal relationship with Jesus. No mediator. I already understood that I was a sinner and that Jesus died for my sins, but longed to be close to God and didn’t know how to get there. Now I did! I prayed that night and my life was drastically changed. I was fifteen.

A week later I was in the local Christian bookstore to purchase a Bible. I ran into the director of Youth for Christ and told him my experience. He said, “It sounds like you’ve been born again.” I’d never heard those words before but it sounded right. I began devouring Scripture and attending meetings to learn and grow in my faith. The first Bible verse I ever memorized as a new believer was “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” (James 4:8). I became eager to share what I was reading and learning with my family, wanting them to come to know Jesus. I confess I was overzealous and obnoxious. My mother insisted I talk to their church leadership who then informed me I could not read the Bible without him guiding me. My parents forbade me from reading Scripture.

I wanted to honor my parents but realized from what I had already read in the scriptures, that my primary duty was to honor God. So, I read my Bible, but didn’t talk about it much at home. I continued to attend the church of my parents but also would attend a church that preached the gospel. I began to see how the religion I was brought up in didn’t square with what I was reading.

When I was 18, I was baptized by immersion and stopped attending my parent’s church. Funny note, the church I was attending didn’t have a baptismal. They would use one at another church building, but that June they hadn’t heated the water. I was instead baptized in a neighbor’s backyard swimming pool. At least it was warm!

I’ve been walking with God for 45+ years now. He has been with me through all the ups and downs of life, leading and guiding me, often out of my comfort zone. I could tell countless stories where He has worked and done sometimes even small things to show His love and power to me, and that even when I was in a difficult place, He hadn’t forgotten me. That includes leading me to my husband, Ben. God’s fingerprints are all over our meeting and courtship. I cannot imagine going through life without Jesus.

When I started writing I couldn’t help but have faith be a key part of any story. I tried once to write a story without it and failed and had to rewrite it. The faith line in Whitney’s Vow is not blatant, but it is there!

We recently moved and found a new church. God has taken the brokenness of the past and given me renewed joy in worshipping and seeking Him in this new season of life. We might be building a house (with God’s help!) but He’s still doing a remodeling project in me.

Notice I haven’t mentioned any denomination or religion in my post. That is by design. Christianity is not about a religion but a relationship and I’m so glad!

Psalm 19:14 is the prayer of my heart: “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.”

What’s your journey to faith in Jesus?

Author Confessions: Big Hairy Audacious Goals

Jul6
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Author Confessions: Big Hairy Audacious Goals

Have you heard of Big Hairy Adacious Goals before? It was a thing many years ago, and while maybe the BHAG is not quite as talked about now, it is still a thing.

As a young person, I didn’t have any big hairy audacious goals. In reality, I chickened out from doing some things. Life circumstances didn’t give me the confidence to take the risks. I’m intentionally not being specific here because I want you to perhaps think about what big thing you might have passed up out of fear.

My husband on the other hand wanted to start a company like his father had. Make his own way in the world in a “I’ll show you,” kind of way. He worked in a factory by day and did sales on his breaks, and seeing people at night to sell things. His company helped him raise a huge passel of kids and he loved doing the work.

Until he didn’t. Sometimes work environments get tainted and the shine wears off. Then his wife took the company in the divorce and claimed she started it. Alone.

He doesn’t miss it. He doesn’t miss the way he was treated and devalued.

Then he met me and life started fresh and he’s set new goals for himself. Goals that get him up early in the morning and keep him busy all day. A new goal. Pursuing a dream he’d long had. I get to cheer him on through the ups and downs of acheiving that goal.

I never had great goals. Oh, I finished graduate school and got a job that I enjoyed. Then I wanted to have kids. After the second one, I got my dream of staying home with the kids. However, much like my husband’s history, that was fraught with some toxicity which made living out that dream, an everyday dream for many woman, difficult to survive.

I did survive, however, and when I was freed form the toxicity, I met someone who wanted me to get in on some multi-level marketing. I was hesistant but I was in need of an income. I was challenged to dream big about items I would spend the money on. God led me away from that.

All I ever really wanted was someone to love me, a home, my dog, and a garden. And to be able to keep writing.

Notice I didn’t say I wanted to be rich. Funny, since I was deep into poverty at that point. Sure having a newer car would be good, and the ability to keep my kids comfortable. For some people who have been beaten down by life, that is the big hairy audacious goal.

Around the time I met my husband, I was barely keeping my head above water financially but I was doing OK and started looking for work outside the home. My kids were older.

When I married my husband, he would have been fine with me working, but I didn’t need to. The needs of my family and myself were met. I was finally loved, had a home, a dog, and a garden. My kids were safe and provided for. I chose to stay home and my husband has continually expressed gratitude for that and what that provides him at the end of the day. The two kids who remained with me at the time also had the benefit of my availability when they went through some difficult periods. I even got to tow each kid out of a ditch! For my son it was on one off the coldest days of winter, but together we did it. Something I would never have been equipped to do in my old life. Bitter cold wasn’t fun, but being there for him then, still warms my heart now.

As an author, I’m supposed to be pursuing huge sales and a platform that gets the clicks. I’ve worked with a lovely virtual assistant (Hello, Bonnie!) and learned a lot of things. I’ve put much of that into practice in a way that works best for me so I don’t need to pay someone else to do that. There’s this idea of “return on investment,” when it comes to marketing and for me it’s pretty low. I’ve spoken with my publisher about what I should and shouldn’t do to market my books, so while I might not be doing everything others think I “should” be doing, I’m doing work she approves of and not much more.

I keep writing because I enjoy it and people who read my books tell me they want more. I hope there are more than just the few names that popped into my head just now: Heidi, Joan, Jenny, Kimberly, Anita, Lynn, and more that have written reviews (Thank you!). In reality, with all the marketing, and writing a blog, and well, just LIFE, it can be hard to be an author. My kids have moved out and I should have a lot of time to write books, but one husband can definitely take up more time! (and is worth it!). We are in transition as well, and that has placed us in a season like no other. This planner has learned to flex a lot.

So what’s my BHAG now? What big hairy audacious goal do I have at this point? I want to be in our home, welcoming friends for a meal, a game night, or a craft day. Or having people over for dinner to learn more about Jesus and the life He calls us to. I want to make a welcoming space for my husband to come home to, and for me to create in, whether it’s stories, or embroidering, or making cards. I can’t wait to plant bulbs for next spring and design my landscaping.  That doesn’t sound very big, does it?

As I was thinking about this though, a quote that Mary DeMuth made in her book, Restory Your Life, has resonated with me. “God does not call us to be spectacular, He calls us to be faithful.”

Maybe for some people that will mean having the resources for an expensive home, luxury cars, and travel. Maybe for some it means being on a best-seller list, or a keynote speaker (well-paid I’m guessing) at events.

Being on a best-seller list would be nice. Having a significant income from writing would be lovely. The reality for me is that I’m called to be faithful. My first pursuit is Jesus. Every day. Before anything else. And if He wants me to have any of those things He can make it happen. Right now, in this seasion, I’ve scaled back on doing author events, or being on faculty at writers conferences, which I love to do. And that’s OK. Will I ever do those things again? I don’t know.

I don’t need more than I have right now. Oh, sure there are prayers I pray for my kids as I watch their lives from a distance and remind myself their stories aren’t over yet.

Probably the one BHAG I haven’t mentioned is that I want to be able to encourage others on their walk with God. Whether I do that here, or one-on-one at a conference, or in my living room, is irrelevant. Big dreams and books sales pale in comparison to giving someone a kind word, or a hug to let them know that Jesus, and I, love them. That they matter. That God sees them. I’m still meeting people in my community and that can be lonely, yet at the end of the day when I got to give someone a word of encouragement, so they know they were seen, well, that’s priceless isn’t it? Big Hairy Audacious Goals don’t need to be about money. For me it’s about impacting people’s lives, and that happens one person at a time.

God sees me and He can do amazing things in my life. He already has done more than I could have dared to dream. If He can do that, then the best biggest hairy audiacious goal would be to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” I doubt He’ll be looking at my bank account when He says it.

How about you? What are your big hairy audacious goals?

Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part III

Jun15
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part III

If you haven’t read parts I and II you might want to read them before continuing here.

Even if people don’t change,  we are commanded to forgive those who sin against us, whether they are unrepentant or not, does not mean that reconciliation is in order. I can forgive a woman from a church where I had been employed, who years ago verbally abused me to the degree that I returned to my apartment and sat curled up on the floor as if I’d been hit, and bawled my eyes out. Nothing she said was true and when I tried one more time to reconcile, I realized the unsolvable conundrum she had for me to prove I was repentant for the sins she stated I had done. The reality is, I was being gaslit. Had I made mistakes in our relationship? Yes. Had I worked through those things. Absolutely. It tooks months, lots of counseling, journalling, tears and seeking God. Because I was in a ministry position, I couldn’t share that pain with anyone else. When she was confronted by church leadership, she accused them and our pastor of horrible things as well. Her family left our church and I grieved. I grieved for unconfessed sin. I grieved that the gifts God had given her were taken from our church. And I grieved the future where another church, or person in leadership, would be faced with similar behaviors.

When I moved on in life, the lessons I learned reaped benefits in the ministries I engaged in. I was changed. Leadership in a church can be difficult and people will find fault. I developed skills to help me deal with that but it was still painful, especially when there were lies someone said about me. Over time, in every situation, I was vindicated. God proved me to be faithful and true as I followed Him. Notice I didn’t say perfect. I’m a long way from that.

Can people change? I would hope that woman had. I still bear emotional scars and would be hesitatant to trust someone like that again. I won’t name names, but it seems that every woman I’ve met with her first name have been unsafe for me. I gave them all a chance and every one proved to be similar! I’m learning to trust the Holy Spirit within me. If someone is making me feel uneasy, before, during, or after time spent with them, I have learned to stop questioning why and avoid those people. Can those people change? I would hope so. I don’t believe God has called me to be the means by which He does it, since He tells me to stay away.

It takes a long time to develop that and I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to be liked. Don’t we all? But I can’t sacrifice myself and expose myself to abuse if the Spirit leads me away from someone.

Life is hard. It is filled with challenges that are painful. If we allow God to work, He can mold us more and more into the character of His Son, Jesus. It is our choice. He doesn’t force it on us.

Can people change? Maybe.  Perhaps it would be better to pray, “God, will you change me?”

Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part II

Jun8
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part II

If you haven’t read last week’s post, you might want to do that before you read this one.

What about other aspects of personality? Can people change if they have a personalitly disorder? How about narcissism? When I first began to understand this personality disorder it seemed like this was something people can’t control about themselves. Yet one author speaks about those who are abusive in this way as being very aware and calculating? Can they change? Can someone who gaslights as easily as drinking their morning cup of coffee, suddenly stop?

Modern psychology would say no, but some would say that with long-term counseling a person could change their behavior even if the core issues are not erased. As a Christian though, I hope that God could change anyone. God doesn’t force people to change and sometimes even trauma for someone with a personalitiy disorder, will only cause them to dig in deeper or amplify their grandiosity or paranoia.

We live in a world impacted by sin. We all have sinful tendencies and our physical bodies, even our genetics is touched by this as well as our family dynamics, and the events that impact us as we grow up.

Can God save someone like this? I would love to think it could be true. God can use anyone for His purposes and glory whether they bend their knee to Him or not. (Pharoah in Egypt is an example).

I’m not writing this to point fingers, or to call anyone irredeemable or conversely to say we need to have compassion and not enforce consequences on those who commit sin, whether big or small. All sin has consequences but obviously some are more far reaching than others and God, realizing this, gave us laws that are written on our hearts, to follow.

How does this impact writing? Some characters, usually not the main ones in a story, might not change from their dysfunctional behaviors. A good author shows the main characters maturing as the story progresses, as cirumstances challenge long-held beliefs, or challenges cause them to learn a new way to deal with life. They may discover something new about faith, or about God and His character, that modifies their goals and behavior.

I learned early on when I was counseling, that people who came to their appointments and talked about their issues, were more likely to grow. Those who cancelled or just didn’t show up–didn’t. I prefered to work with those who were motivated to engage in the work. Did that mean all of them grew? No. One day a client didn’t show and was unreachable. She had killed herself. Nothing in our times together or in recent historical notes ever indicated any suicidal ideation or plan. We had to dig back through years of notes to discover it had been an issue long ago. This person went through the motions but the realilty is, as she began to feel better, she had the energy to act on those long buried desires. At her funeral, someone read from a journal I had asked her to keep. A journal of all she was grateful for.

It was a gut punch. Something designed to help her reframe her life and find hope and meaning in the midst of chronic mental illness, did just the opposite. Her journal, however, gave her family a sense of peace. Had she really changed? Not at the core of who she was, but on the surface she did. It was all a smokescreen. Some people can be great at pretending.

And that’s the challenge in real life, isn’t it? Is the change real? Can it be trusted? And to what degree does a person in a relationship with someone who has been engaging in some sinful practice, learn to trust that the change is real? Whether it is pornography, adultery, gambling, alcoholism, lying, emotional/verbal/physical abuse or neglect, when does someone trust that a person truly has changed? And does trust mean that the relationship can be maintained or is distance required?

Can people change? Stay tuned as I’ll explore this further next week.