Tag Archive | change

Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part II

Jun8
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part II

If you haven’t read last week’s post, you might want to do that before you read this one.

What about other aspects of personality? Can people change if they have a personalitly disorder? How about narcissism? When I first began to understand this personality disorder it seemed like this was something people can’t control about themselves. Yet one author speaks about those who are abusive in this way as being very aware and calculating? Can they change? Can someone who gaslights as easily as drinking their morning cup of coffee, suddenly stop?

Modern psychology would say no, but some would say that with long-term counseling a person could change their behavior even if the core issues are not erased. As a Christian though, I hope that God could change anyone. God doesn’t force people to change and sometimes even trauma for someone with a personalitiy disorder, will only cause them to dig in deeper or amplify their grandiosity or paranoia.

We live in a world impacted by sin. We all have sinful tendencies and our physical bodies, even our genetics is touched by this as well as our family dynamics, and the events that impact us as we grow up.

Can God save someone like this? I would love to think it could be true. God can use anyone for His purposes and glory whether they bend their knee to Him or not. (Pharoah in Egypt is an example).

I’m not writing this to point fingers, or to call anyone irredeemable or conversely to say we need to have compassion and not enforce consequences on those who commit sin, whether big or small. All sin has consequences but obviously some are more far reaching than others and God, realizing this, gave us laws that are written on our hearts, to follow.

How does this impact writing? Some characters, usually not the main ones in a story, might not change from their dysfunctional behaviors. A good author shows the main characters maturing as the story progresses, as cirumstances challenge long-held beliefs, or challenges cause them to learn a new way to deal with life. They may discover something new about faith, or about God and His character, that modifies their goals and behavior.

I learned early on when I was counseling, that people who came to their appointments and talked about their issues, were more likely to grow. Those who cancelled or just didn’t show up–didn’t. I prefered to work with those who were motivated to engage in the work. Did that mean all of them grew? No. One day a client didn’t show and was unreachable. She had killed herself. Nothing in our times together or in recent historical notes ever indicated any suicidal ideation or plan. We had to dig back through years of notes to discover it had been an issue long ago. This person went through the motions but the realilty is, as she began to feel better, she had the energy to act on those long buried desires. At her funeral, someone read from a journal I had asked her to keep. A journal of all she was grateful for.

It was a gut punch. Something designed to help her reframe her life and find hope and meaning in the midst of chronic mental illness, did just the opposite. Her journal, however, gave her family a sense of peace. Had she really changed? Not at the core of who she was, but on the surface she did. It was all a smokescreen. Some people can be great at pretending.

And that’s the challenge in real life, isn’t it? Is the change real? Can it be trusted? And to what degree does a person in a relationship with someone who has been engaging in some sinful practice, learn to trust that the change is real? Whether it is pornography, adultery, gambling, alcoholism, lying, emotional/verbal/physical abuse or neglect, when does someone trust that a person truly has changed? And does trust mean that the relationship can be maintained or is distance required?

Can people change? Stay tuned as I’ll explore this further next week.

 

Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part I

Jun1
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Can People Change?

It wasn’t too long after I started writing that I realized that seeing a character change through a story, is essential. Changing spiritually, whether coming to faith or growin in the faith (sanctification) is important to me. Emotional change is also essential. One can’t truly mature spirtually unless they grow emotionally as well. If one happens and not the other they are not fully growing in the character of Christ.

Can people change? Some would say that personality cannot change. While it is true that much of who we are is more hard-wired into us, I do believe there can be modificatons to our personality. For instance, if you look at the Meyers-Briggs Personality Test, there are four areas of measurement that are on a continuum of extremes. For instance: Introverted or Extroverted scale which is probably the easiest to understand. Some people might appear shy but not talking much is not necessarily a sign of being an introvert. It’s where you get your energy – from being with people or alone.

So how can something that seems so foundational–change? Someone who is extroverted who is verbally abused and silenced might learn to bury their toughts instead of processing them out loud. Being denied much interaction with others where they draw their energy can also mute some of that. Essentially, trauma can modify personality.

When the trauma is removed, the brain (and the body) struggles to recognize things are safe and for those aspects of personality to emerge. They might never fully be expressed again in the way they had been.

Over the past few months I’ve been reading books that talk about the neuroplasticity of the brain and rewiring of that. Retraining the brain takes time, especially after trauma, but obviously trauma itself can do it as well.

So can people change? To some degree, they can. Stay tuned for next week as I explore this further!

 

Author Confessions: I Can’t Change Myself

Apr13
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: I Can’t Change Myself

For all the talk people will say about making changes to your diet, exercise, goals etc, I find that in reality I can’t change myself. Maybe I don’t want change enough? Or maybe I like the idea of certain changes but lack the gumption to follow through.

Oh, I know about making baby steps and I’ve accomplished goals that way. Making things a game helps too. Or competing against a goal, almost like I try to see if I can beat the arrival time a GPS gives me on Google Maps. (Don’t tell me you haven’t tried!)

The reality is, the biggest and most significant changes have come about when I’ve asked God to direct me. He’s the one who opens a door for that change and it might seem impulsive for me to step through, yet it might be something I’ve prayed about for months. True heart change comes from the inside out–not the outside in with manufactured disciplines. My stubborn heart rebels against that.

Thankfully, God knows my heart, my mind, my personality and all the quirks that make me uniquely–me. I’ve asked Him to help me mature, grow, and change and I’ve also asked that He be gentle with me. Sometimes He uses circumstances to force change in my life that I might have resisted. Or He leads me on a path that I think will logically be a good thing and in the process I struggle with the necessary changes that are a necessary part of the process.

We sold our house and moved to a community I used to live in over 25 years ago. With social media, emails, and texting, I can stay close to people I love, but the reality, I almost feel invisible to them due to the distance and the scarcity of contact. Was the contact more frequent before that? Maybe, maybe not. But I was immersed in a world where people knew me.

Now I’m a stranger in a strange land. (My hubby would be telling right now that strange is the perfect word for me! And he’d be correct!)

We found a church we love but due to all that’s going on in our lives we haven’t been able to plug into serving yet. I’m an unknown quantity there. Any of my previous ministry expriences do not mean I will serve in the same way here. I’m a small fish in a big pond. The waiting is hard but I realize that God is doing deep work in my soul drawing me into a deeper relationship with Him.

He has restored eager anticipation to go to church for worship, or for our life group, or the women’s study I’m in. They are the highlights of my week. It’s an experience that had been lost over the years for more reasons than I want to go into now.

I used to sing all the time, at home, in the car, everywhere. For years though, I couldn’t sing because I worked supporting the production team in the booth. I couldn’t sing because I needed to be listening for problems. Was the sound mix good? Were there issues with tech that needed to be solved? After years of this, I finally got a chance to join a team on stage for worship. I was going to lead a song with my guitar and I had practiced a lot. I played the instrument fine, but do you think I could find my note to start the singing? Cue deep humiliation and embarrassment when someone else rescued the moment. It was an individual who had derailed my ability to serve at that church in many ways. That was eight years ago and the accumulated trauma surrounding worship ministry, culminating with a moment that no one else realized was painful for me, has kept me from stepping back on a stage to lead worship or to sing even though I have been asked on various occassions. My guitar was packed away. My voice silenced. Shame imprisoned me.

My husband loves to hear me sing and I’m content to have him listen to me worship in church when I am by his side. I realized that I lost more than my voice. I lost much of the joy music gave me because of the pain tied to it. So I’ve been challenging myself to sing more.

I came across a chapter in a book about how the Holy Spirit inhabits our praise and praising God opens up the door for the Holy Spirit to work more in our lives. I’ve been playing music more in my car as I drive and trying to sing at least one song out loud, whether it’s at home or on the road. I don’t really count worshipping at church in that goal. I find that easier than ever to do this with a full heart of gratitude for the Savior Who has graciously brought me back to that joy, leaving the shame behind.

I’m not ready to step back on stage to sing. I’m not that great of a vocalist. I don’t know if God will call me into that ministry in our new-to-us church. I’ve done a  variety of ministries within previous churchs and it’s possible God may have something new lined up for me. Like a kid eager to open gifts at Christmas, I wait, trusting that He has something beautiful in store.

In the meantime, my job is to steep myself in Bible study, memorization, being quiet before Him, singing praises in and out of church, and using the gifts God has given me to encourage others right now, whenever I see something praiseworthy. It’s kind of fun letting God open up doors for those moments to blurt out something to lift another person’s day, simply because I’m blessed to be a witness to the work God is doing in their lives. I can strive to be open to the opportunities to share His love to my neighbors and others I might meet.

So maybe I’m not where I long to be, plugged into my church, but that doesn’t mean I’m being passive. Whether I’m making my husband’s favorite meal, cleaning the house, doing laundry, walking the dogs, ironing shirts, running errands for our house, or chatting with a neighbor as my puppy tries eager to get all the pets possible, God can use me right here and now and I embrace that.

He’s working other changes in me as well and the process hasn’t always been comfortable. At times it has been downright lonely because I haven’t developed close enough relationships where I can get together with someone to talk about life. The key word here is YET. God is enough and I’ve started using an audio journal to help me talk through stuff with Him when I don’t have another human to process with. Yes, I do share things with my hubby but not all the ramblings in my brain! Sometimes God is the only one who gets to hear those.

I can’t change myself, but I know Someone Who can – and I’m doubly grateful for the work the Holy Spirit is doing in me to prepare me for when we are in our home and have even more opportunities to connect with people. Or where He’ll open doors at our church. I recognize it’s a process and leaning into the best change-agent around: Jesus. I can’t change myself–but He can.

 

Author Confessions: Stumbling Blocks in Fiction Part 1

Feb16
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: Stumbling Blocks in Fiction Part 1

After writing last weeks post which you can find here, I started thinking of stumbling blocks in fiction. I’m going to focus mostly on Christian fiction as there are differences between that and the secular marketplace.

I used to be a reader that if I read the back page and liked the concept and checked out the book–I would read it to the end. It wasn’t too many years into adulthood that I decided it wasn’t worth my time if I wasn’t enjoying the story. Readers now are being more particular.

Here are some examples of stumbling blocks that authors sometimes overlook but will possibly cause a less interested reader to move past and finish a book. These are also things that as an editor might cause me to reject submisson.

Slow start

Sometimes an author can get caught up in writing very descriptive scenes with eloquent words that really say nothing but they sound nice. And this can go on for more than a paragraph where as a reader, I’m left wondering, “What is this story about? Who is it about? When does this take place?” Now having said that, in older literature this was the norm. Creative writing and beautifully crafted scenese before you ever truly understand what is going on in the story. That doesn’t work as well now.

Annoying characters

Characters should be likable. Thus says the author who has enjoyed quirky and sometimes annoying characters as Sherlock, Doc Martin, and House. Characters should have some relatable qualities that make them likable, or at least tolerable. Quirky isn’t necessarily annoying but that depends upon the person. A character might have some personalilty defect but if the reader doesn’t sense that they might change as the story progresses, they are not likely to stick with the story.

Too many people or complicated names

I’ve read science fiction and that genre is spectacular for the made up and sometimes difficult to pronounce names. I had a character in Truffles and Traffic initially called Benedict and one of the editors told me that was too harsh sounding so I changed it to Benjamin, which wasn’t a painful decision as it’s one of my favorite names, and that was before I met my husband. When I wrote the book Pesto and Potholes, Antonio has a large family and I actually had a genogram of all the relations in the order in which they were related to help me keep the story straight. Thankfully, only a few made significant enough appearances that it was easier for the reader to not worry about how all the rest were connected. I wanted the family tree in the book but was told I  couldn’t do that. :-(.  Stumbling over names or having names too similar even, can make it hard for the reader to navigate the story, and anything that pulls the reader out of the story, even to look back to see who is connected to who, is frowned upon.

The story doesn’t move along

Stories that drag from the start or start out gang-busters and then fizzle will challenge the most ardent reader. I find this even when we are watching movies or television series that if they start out slow and the pace plods along, my husband will tell me to find something else. Maybe it gets better by episode three but they lost us in the first fifteen minutes. The same is true for a piece of fiction. The first sentence, paragraph, five pages, might determine whether a reader keeps going. As an editor, I’m often generus enough to read through chapter 3. When editing a book its possible that the real story starts there and I’ll need to tell the author to revise and delete the first two chapters. When I started out writing, I had to do this myself when I realized my error and a kind mentor pointed it out to me. Nothing wasted, but it would have been if it had gone to print that way.

I also read story submissions to the end. I don’t rely on the author’s synopsis. I’ve had books cross my laptop that started out strong but fell apart quickly. Huge disappointment but I’m glad I didn’t offer a contract to them. It would have meant a lot more work for me and the author because the book wasn’t ready.

Time and place are ambiguous

Who, what, where, when, and why, are not only key words for a journalist, but for an author as well. If I can’t tell if the book is historical, sci-fi, fantasy, or contemporary, right away, it is a red-flag and annoys me to no end. Where is it taking place? Is it in America, Africa, Germany, Cuba, Mars, a space-station? Is it during the civil war, WWII, the 80’s, or 2278? If the author can’t tell me that in plain words or by their description, I get incredibly frustrated.  Thankfully, that’s only crossed my desk a handful of times and they were a quick rejection but I did give them my complaint so they could do better. It’s not something I’m required to do but when it’s stuff like that and I’m irritated enough, I will, and hopefully save some other poor reader that frustration.

Main character does foolish things

Now we all do foolish things at times. Maybe I should say stupid things? These have to be pretty big or perhaps dangerous and perhaps even triggering. Not every story is for every reader but no reader wants to spend the six or more hours reading a book, yelling at the character “No!” time and time again. It gets exhausting.

Lack of change or growth in the main character

Characters should change through the story, whether it’s an emotional growth, relationship choices, spiritual, or simply gaining in wisdom that provides a benefit for themselves and others. If the character ends the story in the same state he or she started out, it will leave a bad taste in the mind of the reader.

I realize I’ve talked about some of these things over the years and this is a different, if not negative, approach to the stumbling blocks in fiction. It’s not a conclusive list by any means. But even as a reader I bet you’ll be more aware when you pick up the next book and either you’ll be cheering for the author because they got it right and you’ll enjoy the story, or you’ll find yourself as frustrated as I do when these things happen.

Reminder, I’m not perfect and I’ve made these mistakes in the past. And I might make them in the future. I hope I’ve grown enough as an author that these stumbling blocks in fiction don’t show up in my stories, and if you find them there (because this can be subjective) then I humbly apologize.

 

Author Confessions: Wherever You Go – There You Are

Dec29
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Wherever You Go – There You Are

Christmas is past and the New Year around the corner. Many will try to make resolutions. Fitness, Diet, or other goals will be set. There is nothing wrong with that, but the reality is, changing our externals, while it can feel hopeful, doesn’t always work.

When I was in a band, one of my favorite songs to sing was Mend Me by Big Tent Revival. I think of it every year around this time because it highlights something important–we can’t force change on ourselves. We need the Holy Spirit to be doing the work but in order for that to happen, we need to be humble and submit to Him. Not an easy thing to do. We’d rather get a gym membership than bend our knee.

New Years Eve and this is what I see staring at these faces staring back at me
Sometimes insecure but I know Your love is pure
I am broken – mend me
Over backwards – bending
For the love Your sending

All the places that I’ve been Still I can’t ecscape this life of sin
What I want to do I don’t do what I do I don’t want to do
I am broken – mend me
Over backwards – bending
For the love Your sending

Days have come and days have gone and still I’m under siege. Every day decisions made for which side to allege. Some nights and sit and cry words I can’t erase. All I have in this world is the promise of Your grace

You made the universe and You can mend me

What do you think? Wherever you go – there You are–but for the grace of God we can’t make true changes. Happy New Year!

Seasons

Nov25
Reading Time: 4 minutes

I was sitting in church yesterday and my mind was churning. All kinds of thoughts about how much things had changed in my life.

Many of those changes are good. Wonderful. A blessing. My hubby Ben is top of that list.

Some of them are to be grieved. Seasons pass and life changes. We change. 

Community Church Fond du Lac WI Women’s Worship Team at Ostoff 2006 (?)

I used to be the lead singer for a band. I had the confidence at that time. I used to oversee all the worship programming at a church in Menomonee Falls, WI, as a staff position. I used to be a worship leader… and it’s been years since I’ve sung on a worship team at church. Now that’s not totally the fault of anyone else because I’ve not submitted to an audition for a team. There are many reasons for that but the biggest one: I lack confidence. Every time I’ve sung at church in the past few years I received shocked comments: “I didn’t know you sang.” When I sing in front of others (or play guitar) I’m hypercritical and so worried about my “performance” and struggle because I want to be worshipping in “spirit and in truth.” I find I do that better from the congregation, holding my hubby’s hand. He loves to hear my voice and if only God and Ben hear me, I’m fine with that.

Jonah’s Vacation, late 1990’s Milwaukee WI

I’ve not been asked to speak at our Mother of Preschoolers (MOPS) group in years or any other event at church even though I have taught years of theology and even keynoted a women’s leadership conference at our church and possess a masters degree in Counseling Psychology. I coordinated MOPS and also led the Women’s Ministry for many years.

The fact is, if I promoted myself, I could probably speak at places – at my church and at others, or even sing, but one of the most vicious verbal beat-downs I ever received was from someone I looked up to in ministry. And it was all because I posted on Facebook about my writing, publishing, editing, speaking… you get the picture. Apparently, that made me evil, regardless of the fact that the most common things required of authors is to beef up their social media presence. I tried to a Matthew 18 kind of meet up for the purposes of reconciliation, but the person I had requested help from bailed on me. Time passed and I needed to accept that the perpetrator was someone I needed to disconnect from for my own health and well-being.

Now it feels like none of that happened. The band, the singing, the teaching… All gone in a poof of smoke known as…time. And I even fear doing too much self-promotion lest I encounter more abuse.

Oh, boo hoo. What a pathetic person I sound like!

Grief isn’t logical. I realized quickly that is exactly what I was doing – I was grieving. Grieving hits harder this time of year, sometimes out of the blue without me even realizing the date on the calendar. I should be able to predict it – but I guess I hope that maybe, just maybe, this year I’ll escape it.

I was wrong. But why do the above hit harder? It was all surface grief that covered over one major life event.

In late November 2003, I had a miscarriage.

Anniversary reactions are painful.

In December 2004, I gave birth to my daughter, appropriately named Joy Lucille which means “joyful light-bearer.” Lucille was my great-grandmother’s name.

Weeping may spend the night, but there is joy in the morning

Psalm 30:5b, Holman Christian Standard Bible

While her birth was something to rejoice in – her five-day hospital stay as we fought for her life – was not. Nor were the medical challenges that came later. For all that she’s healthy and a delight to my heart.

In November 2017 a judge hammered a nail in the coffin of a verbally abusive marriage. A relationship I had spent years grieving over so that one doesn’t have the same sense of loss to me. That was a relief.  God rescued me. He provided for me and my kids. He sustained me and I learned I didn’t need a man to have a good life.

I still wanted one. I still believed there were good men out there. I feared dating again. I kept my standards so high I shouldn’t have been able to find anyone that would meet my criteria. But God once again showed Himself. June 2018 I started talking with this great guy, Ben.

We began dating and it was amazing. Someone began slandering me to his family, but I quickly realized it wasn’t me personally that was the issue. It was anyone who would have won his heart. He’s worth that grief of those lies. He had to make a choice between maintaining a relationship with those people – or pursuing me. He chose me. And I’m so glad he did.

In December 2018 I married Benjamin. What a wonderful journey we’ve had so far. 

I’ll grieve my losses and be grateful for all that God has done to change my life for the better. It’s not all roses, and we still have challenges we face, but I’m blessed to have someone by my side as we face those challenges together. Someone to pray with me and for me. Someone who is proud to hold my hand and tell me he loves me. Not even a best-selling novel could beat that, or lots of adulation for singing or speaking anywhere. So I’ll let that go. If God wants me to do that kind of work He can make a way.

So I will grieve because the only way is to go through it. And I will rejoice in all God has done on my journey.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Be kind to yourself and others as we enter this season – underneath our smiles, many are struggling. 

Ben and me. December 2019

 

Dream Chaser

Jul16
Reading Time: 3 minutes

It has been some time since I’ve written here and I wish I could give you some grand excuses as to why. Life has been busy and to be honest, I don’t want to write something just to have a post unless I believe I have something of value to say. If I think long and hard I could probably come up with things, but as a single mom of three Hobbits (that’s what I call my teenagers), life gets crazy at times.

I often use my rare profundity in my real-life, face-to-face interactions with people, whether my friends, or those I meet at conferences when I go to speak, teach, and encourage. 

I admit that life is a challenge at times too.

Depression is an old friend who comes to visit when I least expect, uninvited and unwanted. 

I’m heading into shoulder surgery in a few weeks and that has me a bit scared. Not of the surgery itself, but of the recovery as I am unable to take most pain medications.

I will survive somehow. By God’s grace, I always do. 

I took this photograph in May when I traveled to Colorado. This is south of Pike’s Peak and it was a stunning sight to see I couldn’t help but try to take a picture.

Seeing this display of God’s glory was breathtaking. The mountains, the people I met, the chance to be in a new environment and watch what God would do, was inspiring. 

I realized something very striking.

I live my life too small.

My characters in my novels much more readily go above and beyond in their adventure in living. But not me. I sit behind a keyboard and fabricate stories that hopefully share God’s truths to the reader while entertaining them. Not a bad job by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a lot of hard work for little gain.

That sounds so negative, doesn’t it? Maybe I should clarify that is monetary gain.

God continues to provide for the needs of my family. And sometimes our wants. I get to travel periodically and meet amazing people on my journeys. That’s bigger than the life I used to live by far. And the future holds more promise of the same.

I’ve been challenged recently to dream. To think beyond my daily needs to greater things God might want to do in and through me. What’s surprising is I want to do what I’m doing. I get to write. What an honor to be able to do that. it’s not a smart career move financially but it’s a calling that God has honored. It is hard work. Not all of it is fun by any stretch of the imagination. And I ashamedly get so busy with writing and editing that I sometimes forget that I have a book to promote. Shameful, I know!

But I do want to do so much more than that and not surprisingly it’s not about making money.

It’s about having more opportunities to serve others, encourage them, and watch them dream wilder and bigger.

So I’m praying and have been challenged to dream bigger.

To stretch my imagination with “What if’s” and do things that might help me get there. It means stepping out of my comfort zone. Trying new things even if they scare me…like internet dating!

It means I might fail. I want to be responsible. I have three young people counting on me to be there for them. It might hurt (surgery).

It might mean letting go of some things to make room for better ones. 

So what are your dreams that you’ve been afraid to dream? Can you trust God with those and seek His guidance in reaching for them? If you struggle with depression it can be hard to dream of bigger and better things…but when I look at that photo of the mountains, I’m reminded we have a BIG GOD who can do amazingly, abundantly, more than we could ever think to ask. So I’m seeking Him as I lean into the future and I challenge you to do the same.

What are some of YOUR dreams?

You are a WIP (Work-in-Process)

Jul22
Reading Time: 2 minutes

My pastor made a cool statement in church recently. He had been talking about the respectable sins and how we all struggle with some of these in certain ways (i.e. materialism, pride, unbridaled passions). He finished up the series by saying words any writer would latch on to. He said “We are all a work-in-progress.”

Sigh.

It’s true, isn’t it? A writer goes through a long arduous process to get published. You will often hear a story that is being written as a WIP (work-in-progress). Because it is. The initial ideas gets written down, research needs to be done, extraneous adverbs deleted, plot twits tied up neatly and if you write romance like I do, a happily ever after that will satisfy. Ultimately though we want a character who starts out one way and grows through the course of the novel in spite of or maybe because of the challenges he or she faces.

God is working on us too. We are set apart as a story of His grace in our lives. He is the author that decides the plot twists we will experience and how we will grow through it all. The difference is that we don’t get a rewrite. We cannot edit or delete misspoken words.  In one story I wrote I ended up deleting close to 8,000 words, taking my character back to one decision that changed the trajectory of the story. We don’t get to do that in real life although God, through the righteousness of Christ, erases our sins. We are still left with the consequences but he doesn’t leave us alone or without help to deal with them.

And like a loving author of a beautiful romance, we do have a happily ever after to look forward to.

Sometimes when life is hard I forget all of this and I need that reminder. Life isn’t whipping me around – but God is sovereignly writing His story of redemption and I get to be one of His characters, loved and important for the particular role He has placed me in.