Tag Archive | singing

Author Confessions: I Can’t Change Myself

Apr13
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: I Can’t Change Myself

For all the talk people will say about making changes to your diet, exercise, goals etc, I find that in reality I can’t change myself. Maybe I don’t want change enough? Or maybe I like the idea of certain changes but lack the gumption to follow through.

Oh, I know about making baby steps and I’ve accomplished goals that way. Making things a game helps too. Or competing against a goal, almost like I try to see if I can beat the arrival time a GPS gives me on Google Maps. (Don’t tell me you haven’t tried!)

The reality is, the biggest and most significant changes have come about when I’ve asked God to direct me. He’s the one who opens a door for that change and it might seem impulsive for me to step through, yet it might be something I’ve prayed about for months. True heart change comes from the inside out–not the outside in with manufactured disciplines. My stubborn heart rebels against that.

Thankfully, God knows my heart, my mind, my personality and all the quirks that make me uniquely–me. I’ve asked Him to help me mature, grow, and change and I’ve also asked that He be gentle with me. Sometimes He uses circumstances to force change in my life that I might have resisted. Or He leads me on a path that I think will logically be a good thing and in the process I struggle with the necessary changes that are a necessary part of the process.

We sold our house and moved to a community I used to live in over 25 years ago. With social media, emails, and texting, I can stay close to people I love, but the reality, I almost feel invisible to them due to the distance and the scarcity of contact. Was the contact more frequent before that? Maybe, maybe not. But I was immersed in a world where people knew me.

Now I’m a stranger in a strange land. (My hubby would be telling right now that strange is the perfect word for me! And he’d be correct!)

We found a church we love but due to all that’s going on in our lives we haven’t been able to plug into serving yet. I’m an unknown quantity there. Any of my previous ministry expriences do not mean I will serve in the same way here. I’m a small fish in a big pond. The waiting is hard but I realize that God is doing deep work in my soul drawing me into a deeper relationship with Him.

He has restored eager anticipation to go to church for worship, or for our life group, or the women’s study I’m in. They are the highlights of my week. It’s an experience that had been lost over the years for more reasons than I want to go into now.

I used to sing all the time, at home, in the car, everywhere. For years though, I couldn’t sing because I worked supporting the production team in the booth. I couldn’t sing because I needed to be listening for problems. Was the sound mix good? Were there issues with tech that needed to be solved? After years of this, I finally got a chance to join a team on stage for worship. I was going to lead a song with my guitar and I had practiced a lot. I played the instrument fine, but do you think I could find my note to start the singing? Cue deep humiliation and embarrassment when someone else rescued the moment. It was an individual who had derailed my ability to serve at that church in many ways. That was eight years ago and the accumulated trauma surrounding worship ministry, culminating with a moment that no one else realized was painful for me, has kept me from stepping back on a stage to lead worship or to sing even though I have been asked on various occassions. My guitar was packed away. My voice silenced. Shame imprisoned me.

My husband loves to hear me sing and I’m content to have him listen to me worship in church when I am by his side. I realized that I lost more than my voice. I lost much of the joy music gave me because of the pain tied to it. So I’ve been challenging myself to sing more.

I came across a chapter in a book about how the Holy Spirit inhabits our praise and praising God opens up the door for the Holy Spirit to work more in our lives. I’ve been playing music more in my car as I drive and trying to sing at least one song out loud, whether it’s at home or on the road. I don’t really count worshipping at church in that goal. I find that easier than ever to do this with a full heart of gratitude for the Savior Who has graciously brought me back to that joy, leaving the shame behind.

I’m not ready to step back on stage to sing. I’m not that great of a vocalist. I don’t know if God will call me into that ministry in our new-to-us church. I’ve done a  variety of ministries within previous churchs and it’s possible God may have something new lined up for me. Like a kid eager to open gifts at Christmas, I wait, trusting that He has something beautiful in store.

In the meantime, my job is to steep myself in Bible study, memorization, being quiet before Him, singing praises in and out of church, and using the gifts God has given me to encourage others right now, whenever I see something praiseworthy. It’s kind of fun letting God open up doors for those moments to blurt out something to lift another person’s day, simply because I’m blessed to be a witness to the work God is doing in their lives. I can strive to be open to the opportunities to share His love to my neighbors and others I might meet.

So maybe I’m not where I long to be, plugged into my church, but that doesn’t mean I’m being passive. Whether I’m making my husband’s favorite meal, cleaning the house, doing laundry, walking the dogs, ironing shirts, running errands for our house, or chatting with a neighbor as my puppy tries eager to get all the pets possible, God can use me right here and now and I embrace that.

He’s working other changes in me as well and the process hasn’t always been comfortable. At times it has been downright lonely because I haven’t developed close enough relationships where I can get together with someone to talk about life. The key word here is YET. God is enough and I’ve started using an audio journal to help me talk through stuff with Him when I don’t have another human to process with. Yes, I do share things with my hubby but not all the ramblings in my brain! Sometimes God is the only one who gets to hear those.

I can’t change myself, but I know Someone Who can – and I’m doubly grateful for the work the Holy Spirit is doing in me to prepare me for when we are in our home and have even more opportunities to connect with people. Or where He’ll open doors at our church. I recognize it’s a process and leaning into the best change-agent around: Jesus. I can’t change myself–but He can.

 

The Things We Lose Along the Way

May15
Reading Time: 4 minutes

When I was a teenager, all I ever wanted was to sing. I wasn’t the best singer but I had hopes. I remember singing into my hairbrush in the morning before the mirror while getting ready for school, playing my favorite records and jamming along and dreaming of being a famous.

I took band and choir in high school. I thought that when I graduated I would go into communications, because I doubted I’d ever be a “real” singer but I loved to talk and I loved music so voila! DJ it was.

My dad told me DJ’s worked crappy hours and didn’t paid much. So after three years part time to get my associate’s degree, I finally settled on Psychology as I was interested in helping people. I graduated and went for my master’s degree.

Fast forward to graduating and working in a church. I didn’t do counseling right away but during grad school I was working in production, planning our Sunday morning services and our worship services. And I got to sing. My boss and pastor did informe me I was only a “B-team” singer. He was right. I wasn’t committed to working as hard on that as what excellence would require. After a while some friends and I formed a band, Jonah’s Vacation. I was the lead singer. A dream come true. Lots of practice and hard work, very little money being a local Christian cover band.

Well, there I am, with the guys! It’s like it was another lifetime. I loved these brothers in Christ and the creative synergy that occurred when we were together. (RIP Jim Kube)

Eventually between work and having a kid, life got busier and I left the band. I loved those guys and we had a blast and another, much better singer had joined us so they were in good hands.

I ended up working in the field of mental health for years but still sang on worship teams at church and loved that. Then we moved and singing kind of fell to the back burner. Eventually, I would get to sing but for some reason I was asked more to play my guitar, a skill I was mediocre at, and that’s being generous. When a new worship director came to church, I eventually got back into production, working in the booth overseeing everything on the stage and behind the scenes. I was really good at it and enjoyed it.

What I really wanted though was to be on stage. I was needed more in the booth. The worst part of that was, week after week, rehearsals and Sunday, I had to listen to everything. I could not sing or be distracted from my task.

The last time I sang on stage was Good Friday in 2018. I was also playing my guitar and had practiced over and over and over for weeks. During the actual service, I started playing the guitar fine but my mind froze and I couldn’t find my note to start the vocals. The pastor rescued me in that moment and everything went off fine. Except I felt humilitated. Stage fright?

I haven’t sung on stage since.

I met my husband that year and we attend worship together. Now I can at least sing. I’ve had people ask my why I’m not on stage (the few that remember that I have done that). I just can’t bring myself to do it. At least not yet.

Last night I was reminded how much I sacrificed and lost with that dream. I used to sing to my kids all the time, sing in the car, sing around the house but years of silence in the production booth left me almost mute when it comes to singing.

My husband loves to hear me sing. I get self-conscious about it. Am I supporting my voice enough? I can’t remember all the words. I’m out of practice to be sure, so my range isn’t what it could be or used to be.

I want to start playing guitar again and maybe singing along with that. I want to challenge myself to sing more, to find that voice again, and the joy that goes with it. I do sing for my husband sometimes and he loves to hear me during worship. If God and Ben are the only two people to hear my voice, I’m fine with that. Still, it saddens me that even then I don’t sing as much as I used to.

So for me it is singing and what I didn’t cover was a lot of trauma that also accompanied my journey along the way. Some in ministry, some on the home front. That’s behind me now. But it made me wonder, have others found that during the course of life and work and ministry, they left something they loved behind?

If so, what was it and why did it get left behind in the dust of life? Have you pursued finding it again?

I recorded this five years go on YouTube, before I met my husband, had rotator cuff surgery, remodeled a house, married and moved, setting my guitar aside for a long time. I did get to sing this song to my grandmother before she passed away in 2017 so that makes it extra special to me. Thanks to my guitar instructor at the time, Mike Bautz, who helped me get the chords right for this song.

Dream Musings and Music

Sep5

Reading Time: 3 minutesNot all dreams become reality. Sad isn’t it? People come along and kill our dreams. Sometimes real life interferes.

When I grew up I wanted to be a disc jockey. You know. A DJ. I love music. Always have. I enjoy singing. I love to talk, so radio seemed like a great place for me. But my father told me that radio people don’t get paid much and work odd hours. I had a friend in radio at one point and he had to use a different name on the air to protect himself from his fans. Oh, to have such trouble!

I played saxophone through high school but gave it up for choir. I did well there. Won some solo ensembles. I always wanted to play guitar. Twice I’ve taken guitar lessons. When I was in a band they let me play on one song.  Yup. I was that good! *snicker*.  Actually, I’d have been great if I could have been disciplined enough to practice more.

Jonah's VacationI also wanted to be a singer but had a pastor years ago who gave me a reality check. He told me “Susan, you’re good but you don’t work at it. You’re a B-grade singer but could be an A.” Ouch! I did work at it and got good enough to be in a band for a short time.

Jonah’s Vacation was a great experience. Hard work. Amazing musicians. My next book, Feta & Freeways is dedicated to Jim, Rob, Jeff, Erick, Mark and Irene (she joined us months after this photo was taken.). I learned so much from these people (including how to belch although Jim was definitely the master of that and he didn’t have a microphone to help!)

13620018_1411151115567715_4418536725403216346_nI don’t sing for others much anymore. I did for a while. I worked at it. But now I only get an opportunity maybe once a year to do that and play my guitar. I miss the synergy of being in a band. I admire groups that have that “magic” when they play together.

I based my next book on a lead singer of a band (and his friends). Yeah, it’s a romance, but it’s so much more than that. I based it off Burlap to Cashmere. I wish I could play guitar with even a 10% of the skill they have. Can you see the joy they have as they play together? Makes me smile every time I see this photo I took from the last time I saw them live.

Maybe someday I’ll get there. Not everything has to be for the purpose of performing. Maybe playing guitar and growing in that skill will only be for me and God this time around. I can remember the past fondly and rejoice that God gave me those opportunities. And I can write and encourage others who can pursue them.

Maybe words on the page are meant to be my song in this season of my life. Why that makes me cry I don’t know, but dreams are like that. Sometimes it is okay to grieve what you can’t have. Life isn’t fair and God doesn’t always give us what we want for His own reasons. Hard to believe but that’s often a good thing. Sometimes to make room for one dream we have to sacrifice something else we value. We don’t always recognize what those choices will be…time, family, finances…there’s a cost for pursuing dreams. And there will always be those who will try to stop us, defeat us, criticize us for following God’s direction. Dreams God calls us to follow become “callings”. And they are only worth pursuing because He is the one who leads the way.

This is a live video I took from Burlap to Cashmere’s performance in Green Bay in July of this year. Gifted and a called. The “closing jam” as it were… featuring Johnny Philippidis and his amazing guitar skills. Part of the song is the Dialing God Instrumental from their Freedom Souls album. Enjoy. Maybe someday I’ll have that 10% to enjoy for myself.