Tag Archive | God

Author Confessions: God and Me and a Cup of Tea

Jun22
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: God and Me and a Cup of Tea

I might have written about this before and if I’ve told you this story, please give me grace because it is one of my favorite stories to tell of God’s goodness, even though it was relatively small in comparison to what might have been considered “bigger” needs for God to meet. I told it to someone the other day and it hit me in a new way and I am overwhelmed with gratitude that God shows up in unexpected ways like this.

Years ago, in a verbally abusive marriage and living in a tiny, moldy, three bedroom mobile home, raising raising three little kids and not working outside my home anymore, I struggled to try to honor my then-husband as “head” of our household. He wasn’t walking with God and refused any attempts at accountability from men at church.

Every morning I made myself a spiced chai latte from a powder that I ordered online. I saved money by buying it in bulk (these were the days before amazon!). That cup of tea was part of my time with God every morning, early in the kitchen before the kids (or husband) were awake. It enabled me to have peace and quiet and watch the sunrise from the living room window that faced east.

I was running low, so I ordered the chai. When it was delivered it was left outside our mobile home. Husband picked it up and brought it in to the kitchen and in his ever not-so-charming-abusive tone asked, “What is this?”

I had ordered chai many times before and the box clearly stated where it was from and what it contained.

“It’s chai. I was running low and ordered some.”

“You can’t have this. It has suger and that’s not good for you,” he said as he grabbed the box and carried it down the hall and placed it on the dryer in the bathroom before leaving the mobile home.

I shook my head and prayed. “God I know the chai is fine for me to have, but I will submit to my husband even if I don’t agree with him. I don’t need chai to meet with you. If YOU decide that having a cup of chai in the morning is fine, you will  make him bring that box in here and open it up and refill the container.”

Later, I informed the “head” our home that I did not appreciate being spoken to like he had.

Every morning after that, I came to the kitchen and made my chai. The last day I finished what remained in the container. I washed it out and set it aside to dry and told God again that I was grateful for the chai but I would honor Him. If it was OK for me to have that treat every morning, He knew how to tell me so.

My husband never knew about that prayer. I’ve never told him this story.

That Friday, he came storming in into the mobile home and went to the kitchen and opened the door where we kept the chai container. He slammed it shut asked, “Where’s the chai?”

I pointed to the empty container and said, “I drank the last of it this morning. It’s all gone.”

“Didn’t you buy more?” Funny question, right? He was serious! He’d completely forgotten his announcement only a few days before.

“Yes, I did.”

“Well, where is it?”

“You placed the box on the dryer.”

He stormed down the hallway, grabbed the box, opened it up and took out a bag of chai. He cut open the bag and poured it into the container and then went to make himself a cup of tea.

He didn’t usually drink chai and it has minimal caffeine. He got his chai in a mug and headed back out to his office.

I smiled to myself and said, “God, You are truly awesome. Thank You.”

Now, why is this story so important to me? Did I NEED chai? Not at all. It is a luxery, a treat. I’ve gone a year without it when I went totally without sugar. I now have chai without the powder, and am fully satisfied.

It matters for these reasons, but the last one hit me fresh because I had totally missed then what God really did in that moment.

  • First – I share this because God does meet our needs, and this was definitely a want. But He delights in giving good things to His children.
  • Secondly – God can even use people who are not following Him to show His glory. Even if in that moment it was only to me.
  • Third, and the point I originally missed when I’ve told that story, was this: God did meet a very real NEED in my life at that moment. Not for chai. He showed me that in my struggles and pain. I was not alone. He saw me. Giving me a cup of chai was a small thing. Back then I rejoiced that God acted on my behalf, in spite of my husband’s declaration and forbidding me to have chai and missed this.

What brings me to tears is that He met the need I didn’t express. He knew me. He respected my obediance to an unjust order by an abusive person. He protected me. He provided a want, but what I needed more than anything, and maybe I never fully realized it as much as I do now, almost 15-20 years later, was that He was always there and saw me, and loved me.

I hate asking for prayer requests. We often ask for healing, or help, or for our finances, or for us right now issues with building a house as a deadline looms for us to move out of our apartment. In reality, what we really need, or maybe it’s just me, is more of Jesus. To have that kind of faith that boldly asks for minor things.

All these years later – it’s been probably thirty years since I started my chai-love combined with my time with God- it is still God and me and a cup of tea every morning. And that cup, even though the mug is different as they seem to break after a time,  is something I hope I never take for granted. He sees me. He sees you. And He delights in meeting more than our needs when we submit our lives to Him. I have so many more stories but this one is a favorite and I’m glad He keeps revealing more of who He is to me, every time I share it. What an amazing God we serve!

God has since given me a new husband (met him 8 years ago!) who will go out of his way to get me a cup of chai when we travel. He sees it as a way to show he cares. He sees me too. I am blessed.

Do you have any stories like this? I would love to hear them!

 

 

Author Confessions: Does It Matter If Pets Go To Heaven?

May4
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Does it Matter if Pets Go To Heaven?

I figured I should address this, especially after I took over my blog on April 24th to do a book review because I don’t believe my dogs are sanctified. Oh, they are good pups to be sure, but I wonder: Does it matter if pets go to heaven?

Don’t cut me off just yet.

In recent years I’ve had to say good-bye to four dogs, and with each one, I wept, missed them, and kept looking for them. They live in on my memories, but I not entirely certain that dogs (or any pet) goes to heaven.

Scripture doesn’t mention it. God cares about every sparrow that falls though and all animals are created by Him. He mentions sparrows in Luke and Matthew.

Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.  Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

(Matthew 10:28-30)

Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God.  Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.

(Luke 12:6-7)

When I grieved the first of those dogs I put down, I had to take comfort in a few things:

  • My dog(s) had been loved. Each one was a rescue and their last days, weeks, and months were filled with affection and love.
  • My dog(s) had been well-cared for. Good food, medical care when needed, and fresh air and exercise.
  • My care and love for that pet, mattered to God. Showing kindness to one of His creatures matters.

My pets were a blessing God used in my life:

  • My dogs provided unconditional love–a reflection of their Creator.
  • Every dog I’ve owned had their own distinct personality and quirks that delighted me. How much more does God delight in mine?
  • One dog was my mainstay through a very painful experience and brought me support. The requirements of needing to maintain the daily care of that dog, kept me grounded when the ground in my life was shifting.

Here’s the main point I want to make: Heaven will be wonderful and God loves me and cares about my pets. Is it possible I would be reunited with all of them in Heaven? What a delight that would be. Having said that, heaven isn’t about reuniting with pets, or even people we’ve loved and miss terribly. It is all about Jesus and His kingdom. Being able to be in God’s presence should fill us with all the joy and delight we could ever want for eternity.

Here one earth, He is gracious enough to give us people to love, and pets to steward and care for, but nothing will be greater than being in His presence.

Is it wrong to talk about the “rainbow bridge”? Does it matter if pets go to heaven and to one plans to reunite with them there? My conclusion is no. However, God knows our hearts and if any one person or animal is more important that He is, we are living in idolatry. He longs to be first in our hearts in every way. God cares for our pets and whether or not I believe my dogs will be in heaven, isn’t as important as knowing the God who loves them more than I do, loves me too.

That should be enough.

 

 

Author Confessions: Characters Don’t Waste Time on the Phone

Apr27
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Characters Don’t Waste Time on the Phone

When I write a story, I have had characters use their cell phones to text but not much else. I don’t think I’ve even had a character doom scrolling through social media. Fictional characters don’t waste time on the phone.

I do.

Too much time, even though I have plenty of other things to keep me occupied. Sometimes I wish for the  days of the flip phone when it was only about phone calls (although texting was a beast on those). And I like to be able to check something on the internet or quickly place an order to check emails.

However, apart from those convenient uses for my phone, I spend too much time on it. Maybe God’s convicting me of this. The other day I left my phone alone and doing a craft as I watched television with my husband, because if there was a weather emergency I wanted the battery to be full so I could monitor the weather from the basement, maybe even through a helpful meterological video channel.

The reality is, my battery, on a normal day, shouldn’t need to have much battery drain.

I also tend to lose my phone. Have you ever left home without your phone? I have. How did you feel? Anxious? All the “what if’s” pop up. What if I have an accident? What if I miss an important phone call–which is funny as most people don’t call on the phone too much anymore.

I remind myself that I used to drive around all the time without a phone before car phones became a thing. It never dawned on me at that time I might be in danger. Of course, as I drive now I think of all the things I need my phone for. Uses I probably wouldn’t have thought of if it were in my pocket.

A reframe for me when I leave my phone behind is this: Without my phone, I’m off the leash. Think of a dog running with wild abandon when the leash is off. Being without my phone doesn’t need to be a bad thing. Some people turn if off and leave it behind for a day or two on a regular basis so they are not distracted by other things. Not sure I’m willing to go that far at this season of my life. In a newer community you might be surprised how much I use the map feature.

Fictional characters might text, or even make a phone call, but the conversations are short because too much of that kind of thing bogs down the story.

Fictional characters don’t waste time on their phones because that doesn’t move their story forward and a reader wouldn’t want to read about all they are scrolling through. Maybe I should be more like my fictional characters. Might be worth a try to see how much God can do with that time.

How much is my phone bogging down my life and keeping me from all that God has for me? Playing a game on my phone might be relaxing, but what if instead I were praying for someone? Or even silently praising God–or loudly by singing without a backup track in my car. What do you think? Does your phone monopolize your time?

 

Author Confessions: I Can’t Change Myself

Apr13
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: I Can’t Change Myself

For all the talk people will say about making changes to your diet, exercise, goals etc, I find that in reality I can’t change myself. Maybe I don’t want change enough? Or maybe I like the idea of certain changes but lack the gumption to follow through.

Oh, I know about making baby steps and I’ve accomplished goals that way. Making things a game helps too. Or competing against a goal, almost like I try to see if I can beat the arrival time a GPS gives me on Google Maps. (Don’t tell me you haven’t tried!)

The reality is, the biggest and most significant changes have come about when I’ve asked God to direct me. He’s the one who opens a door for that change and it might seem impulsive for me to step through, yet it might be something I’ve prayed about for months. True heart change comes from the inside out–not the outside in with manufactured disciplines. My stubborn heart rebels against that.

Thankfully, God knows my heart, my mind, my personality and all the quirks that make me uniquely–me. I’ve asked Him to help me mature, grow, and change and I’ve also asked that He be gentle with me. Sometimes He uses circumstances to force change in my life that I might have resisted. Or He leads me on a path that I think will logically be a good thing and in the process I struggle with the necessary changes that are a necessary part of the process.

We sold our house and moved to a community I used to live in over 25 years ago. With social media, emails, and texting, I can stay close to people I love, but the reality, I almost feel invisible to them due to the distance and the scarcity of contact. Was the contact more frequent before that? Maybe, maybe not. But I was immersed in a world where people knew me.

Now I’m a stranger in a strange land. (My hubby would be telling right now that strange is the perfect word for me! And he’d be correct!)

We found a church we love but due to all that’s going on in our lives we haven’t been able to plug into serving yet. I’m an unknown quantity there. Any of my previous ministry expriences do not mean I will serve in the same way here. I’m a small fish in a big pond. The waiting is hard but I realize that God is doing deep work in my soul drawing me into a deeper relationship with Him.

He has restored eager anticipation to go to church for worship, or for our life group, or the women’s study I’m in. They are the highlights of my week. It’s an experience that had been lost over the years for more reasons than I want to go into now.

I used to sing all the time, at home, in the car, everywhere. For years though, I couldn’t sing because I worked supporting the production team in the booth. I couldn’t sing because I needed to be listening for problems. Was the sound mix good? Were there issues with tech that needed to be solved? After years of this, I finally got a chance to join a team on stage for worship. I was going to lead a song with my guitar and I had practiced a lot. I played the instrument fine, but do you think I could find my note to start the singing? Cue deep humiliation and embarrassment when someone else rescued the moment. It was an individual who had derailed my ability to serve at that church in many ways. That was eight years ago and the accumulated trauma surrounding worship ministry, culminating with a moment that no one else realized was painful for me, has kept me from stepping back on a stage to lead worship or to sing even though I have been asked on various occassions. My guitar was packed away. My voice silenced. Shame imprisoned me.

My husband loves to hear me sing and I’m content to have him listen to me worship in church when I am by his side. I realized that I lost more than my voice. I lost much of the joy music gave me because of the pain tied to it. So I’ve been challenging myself to sing more.

I came across a chapter in a book about how the Holy Spirit inhabits our praise and praising God opens up the door for the Holy Spirit to work more in our lives. I’ve been playing music more in my car as I drive and trying to sing at least one song out loud, whether it’s at home or on the road. I don’t really count worshipping at church in that goal. I find that easier than ever to do this with a full heart of gratitude for the Savior Who has graciously brought me back to that joy, leaving the shame behind.

I’m not ready to step back on stage to sing. I’m not that great of a vocalist. I don’t know if God will call me into that ministry in our new-to-us church. I’ve done a  variety of ministries within previous churchs and it’s possible God may have something new lined up for me. Like a kid eager to open gifts at Christmas, I wait, trusting that He has something beautiful in store.

In the meantime, my job is to steep myself in Bible study, memorization, being quiet before Him, singing praises in and out of church, and using the gifts God has given me to encourage others right now, whenever I see something praiseworthy. It’s kind of fun letting God open up doors for those moments to blurt out something to lift another person’s day, simply because I’m blessed to be a witness to the work God is doing in their lives. I can strive to be open to the opportunities to share His love to my neighbors and others I might meet.

So maybe I’m not where I long to be, plugged into my church, but that doesn’t mean I’m being passive. Whether I’m making my husband’s favorite meal, cleaning the house, doing laundry, walking the dogs, ironing shirts, running errands for our house, or chatting with a neighbor as my puppy tries eager to get all the pets possible, God can use me right here and now and I embrace that.

He’s working other changes in me as well and the process hasn’t always been comfortable. At times it has been downright lonely because I haven’t developed close enough relationships where I can get together with someone to talk about life. The key word here is YET. God is enough and I’ve started using an audio journal to help me talk through stuff with Him when I don’t have another human to process with. Yes, I do share things with my hubby but not all the ramblings in my brain! Sometimes God is the only one who gets to hear those.

I can’t change myself, but I know Someone Who can – and I’m doubly grateful for the work the Holy Spirit is doing in me to prepare me for when we are in our home and have even more opportunities to connect with people. Or where He’ll open doors at our church. I recognize it’s a process and leaning into the best change-agent around: Jesus. I can’t change myself–but He can.

 

Author Confessions: Is the Story Realistic or Not?

Mar16
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Is the Story Realistic or Not?

When my husband and I watch movies or television programs, he is often looking for realism in the story and loves finding the things that couldn’t have happened. Now unless the genre is science fiction or fantasy, an author should make a story realistic. Yet as an author, I want to be able to surprise my readers. I don’t want my stories to be formulaic.

So many movies and television shows ask you to suspend reality as you get wrapped up in the story unfolding before you. Reading a book is no different.

But is real life always realistic? I remember when Covid hit and all the news anchors used the word unprecedented. But was it really? There had been plagues in the past.

How often have you or someone you know say something to the effect of, “You won’t believe this!” For those of us who are Christians, we should be living with full anticipation that God will be doing amazing things in our lives.

In the Bible you read so many amazing feats of God in the lives of people. Those really happened. We too should be living a life that defies logic at times.

I have many stories of when God acted on my behalf as I imperfectly sought to follow Him in my life. From barely escaping a car accident (and yes, I have had some in my past, one of them was my fault), to money showing up without me even asking God for my needs.  There are so many more! Two years ago when my husband’s hip surgery got moved up five weeks he was worried about how we would have enough wood for our stove to get us through the rest of winter. Before we left the doctor’s office, a friend, who knew nothing about the surgery or timing, was dropping off dump-trailer loads of cut firewood. All we needed to do was transport it to our home, which we did. We made it through winter with heat for our home and water.

As I write, I want to leave room for God work even on the pages of fiction. Sometimes the unbelievable happens because we live beyond just a physical, logical world. We live in a spiritual world as well, and if my stories are going to refelct a real and living God, it is good for Him to show up in the pages of my books.

Characters might occassionally act out of character. I have found that happening in my own life as God has led. I can look back on big and small decisions made that were out of my comfort zone. When God leads, we are to follow. My characters therefore might face situations that are out of the ordinary.

So far I’ve not had any reviews complain about those things. I did have one complain about a real life type of situation that they disagreed with but since it was a historical, I assume that time period was not something they were informed about and they were not my target audience.

We are amazed by many things in this world and if this world were realistic, we would cease to be amazed. That is not how the real world, with an amazing, holy, sovereign, all-powerful Creator God in control, works, does it? God delights in amazing us with sunrises and sunsets – perhaps depending on whether you are a morning or an evening person. He delights in showing off His glory in a variety of ways, sometimes big and sometimes small, if we only pay attention.

Do you remember a story you’d read where there was a unique, or perhaps surprising event in that story? Did it cause you to stop reading or did you accept it as part of the overall plot? How about in your own life? Where have you seen God show up and show off? Those kinds of stories become part of your testimony of His work in your life and should be remembered often as proof of His love and care of you.

Is your story realistic or not? I hope it’s not, because that means God is doing a work beyond what you are capable of. In my life that causes me to lean on Him and trust Him more and more. Keep your eyes open.

Author Confessions: Groundhog Day

Feb2
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Groundhog Day

Today is the anniversary of when my first baby was supposed to be born. He was much like a groundhog in that he didn’t want to come out until a week later and even then it was against his will (C-section).

Around the Nothern Hemisphere, poor little groundhogs will be hauled out of their cozy burrows so humans can see if there’s a shadow. It’s a funny tradition and other nations around the world have different ways to predict the end of winter. The reality is, the idea that winter will end immediately is ridiculous. It’s usually six weeks more before we can see the light at the end of the tunnel with winter. Groundhog Day is a nice way to pause and give a little hope to each other that spring will come.

Emotionally, many of us hibernate in other ways. We don’t share ourselves with others, afraid to speak out or afraid to be known. Or perhaps we have an ability or gift but we’re afraid to share that. Matthew 5:16 states: “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in Heaven.” (KJV). A person may be shy or introverted, or perhaps even wounded by previous experiences. Finding a safe place to share all that God has given us can be tricky. Even in the church.

1 Corinthians 1:3-4 says: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. (NASB)

God has designed us to be in community. If a church is not healthy or toxic, and you can’t resolve that, it is better to go find another one where you can safely use your gifts and experiences to help others. That is not a leave one week – start serving somewhere else the next, kind of timeline. Sometimes we need help to recover from those wounds suffered, yes, even by those in the church, including church leadership.

Perhaps we need a season of healing in there. That doesn’t mean we still can’t be engaged in community and be a blessing to those we interact with in and out of the church. We don’t get to be a groundhog and hide away from the world. You and others will miss out on so many blessings if one chooses to be a groundhog.

It might feel as though God drags us out of our little burrow before we feel ready. I think He often delights in showing off His power in and through us when we are weak and believe we have nothing to offer. We’re wrong about that. We all have something to offer in some way shape or form and it might not be a specific role that you’re in. The phrase “one another” appears at least 269 times in the Bible. Our presence is sometimes the gift.

Covid taught us the dangers of hibernation. Kids suffered, loneliness exploded, and people died. In and out of the church we are called, as Christians, to serve one another, love, care for, minister, encourage…. one another. That goes beyond the church, because loving actions and a sweet spirit as we interact with people can be a blessing to any and all we meet as we go about our lives.

This is all very simplistic but I think the principles generally hold. Even if others don’t reciprocate, our willingness to stick our necks out, honors God and He’s the One who really matters.

Do you have any Groundhog Day tendencies? Why do you want to hide? What are you hiding? Ask God to show you how you can be a blessing to someone else this week.

Author Confessions: Slow Down

Jan26
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Slow Down

Winter kind of slows everything down doesn’t it? Maybe that’s a signal to us that we should pause a little more as well. Slowing down is often easier said than done.

Sabbath Rest

We try to honor the Sabbath. We attend church and in the summer, we might play mini-golf and grill out. Sometimes we would do dinner with friends. We were challenged with keeping this when we were going through our packing, showing, selling, moving out, and moving into a small, temporary residence. I’m still amazed at how hard we both physically worked during that time period. We still sought to rest on Sunday.

Slowing  down and taking a Sabbath rest is recognizing that God is in control and I’m not. I can let Him take care of the things that weigh on my mind that I sometimes think are so important that only my efforts can make a difference.

Sabbath doesn’t have to be one particular day. Two weeks ago we had a Friday where we hadn’t planned for it but ended up working really hard. Heavy lifting, carrying, loading trailers in the cold. It was not fun but we had a good crew who didn’t give up even though we would have all liked to quit. The next day, I fully expected my hubby to head to the shop. There was plenty to be done. Instead he decided rest was a better option. I could have worked, even with him in our tiny space, but I decided that it was more important to rest with him. We rested again on Sunday. I think we really needed it.

So what did we do? It wasn’t our regular Sabbath rest. We debated going out to look at flooring for our build, or even playing indoor mini-golf, but we decided we preferred to be home. The only time I left was to take the dogs outside to do their business. I started a new embroidery project and worked on a 3D puzzle. We also played some games but mostly chilled and watched some television. I think my hubby might have even napped for a little while in his favorite recliner.

When I served at church on Sunday mornings, I rested in the afternoon but also tried to give myself more time on Monday to rest, reflect, and not rush into the week. God designed us to need rest. It is important physically, emotionally, and spiritually to practice that.

Slowing Down Daily

I start every morning slow which is honestly, hard to do in some ways but I’ve found it essential for a good day. I spend time in God’s word, I journal, perhaps do my homework for Bible Study. I might even read a little. All this with a cup of spiced chai. This is a habit I’ve done even while I was in graduate school. Neighbors would laugh at me getting up so early, but even when my kids were little I would get up before they would wake up for a few minutes of peace and quiet.

I sometimes want to rush throught things but I’m learning more and more that slowing  down my pace and taking my writing and other work slower, I can relax and actually enjoy it more. Instead of thinking of all the other things that need to be done and rushing to get throught the present to rush into the future, I’m learning to take a breath, stretch, and focus on the here and now.

Slowing Down a Story

In writing we often try to keep a steady pace between highs and lows in a story. Sometimes with thrillers or suspense type novels, however, you often find the pace faster. Just as in life sometimes a person can be hit with all kinds of difficulties and crisis at the same time, that can be reflected in fiction. The reader becomes emotionally breathless without a break in the action, even if they put the book down for a time, since the story progresses at a rapid rate of challenges. I’ve read books like this but it is a wild ride!

Often dialogue or inner thoughts on the page will slow down a story and give the reader a break before joining the character as they tackle the next event the author tosses at them. The ups and downs make the reading more enjoyable. A diary of a day-in-the- life of many of use would be boring, so the action is essential in fiction, just as it often is in life.

How do you slow down? I’d be interested in what that means for you. Reading a book? Sometimes for me that is now work (although it can be fun!). What kinds of things do you do to relax and refresh yourself? Are you able to do that weekly? How about slowing down during each day? What tips and tricks might you have for that?

Author Confessions: Wherever You Go – There You Are

Dec29
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Wherever You Go – There You Are

Christmas is past and the New Year around the corner. Many will try to make resolutions. Fitness, Diet, or other goals will be set. There is nothing wrong with that, but the reality is, changing our externals, while it can feel hopeful, doesn’t always work.

When I was in a band, one of my favorite songs to sing was Mend Me by Big Tent Revival. I think of it every year around this time because it highlights something important–we can’t force change on ourselves. We need the Holy Spirit to be doing the work but in order for that to happen, we need to be humble and submit to Him. Not an easy thing to do. We’d rather get a gym membership than bend our knee.

New Years Eve and this is what I see staring at these faces staring back at me
Sometimes insecure but I know Your love is pure
I am broken – mend me
Over backwards – bending
For the love Your sending

All the places that I’ve been Still I can’t ecscape this life of sin
What I want to do I don’t do what I do I don’t want to do
I am broken – mend me
Over backwards – bending
For the love Your sending

Days have come and days have gone and still I’m under siege. Every day decisions made for which side to allege. Some nights and sit and cry words I can’t erase. All I have in this world is the promise of Your grace

You made the universe and You can mend me

What do you think? Wherever you go – there You are–but for the grace of God we can’t make true changes. Happy New Year!

Author Confessions: What Do You Treasure?

Dec22
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: What Do You Treasure?

I love to give gifts and struggle to find the best one for people. I would prefer something they would treasure. Perhaps even something they didn’t know they needed or wanted that would bring them joy.

I doubt the majority of people recognized the treasure that rested in the arms of Mary. Sure shepherds came to visit in the middle of the night. I can’t imagine the disturbance. Even giving birth in a hospital, all you really want is to be with your baby and rest!

When I’ve been sick or in deep pain, it’s amazing how much the material things of this world fade away. Life narrows in those darker moments of life when the material fades and all that remains is us–and a holy God who is in control of the next moment.

While I fret about things like getting my dog to pee outside when the temperatures are freezing, or what to make for dinner, in a hearbeat all of those concerns vanish and become insignificant.

I’m not trying to minimize the daily concerns we all deal with. The challenges to pay the bills, respond to the emails, make sure everyone is doing well in our homes, including our pets. Those are real-life responsibilities we need to take seriously.

But in the bigger scheme of things, will the time spent fretting about them be something I will even remember six months or a year from now and look back and think they were important?

What do you treasure?

Some people put treasures in safes. Some display them. And yet Mary, pondered the events surrounding the night of Christ’s birth, treasuring them in her heart.

So what sticks? What lasts? While there may be many things in the end I think it might boil down to four:

  1. Faith. When we have a deep faith and have buried God’s Word in our hearts, that lasts. It provides comfort and solace as we cling to the Word made flesh: Jesus.
  2. People. You can have a wide network of people on social media but who is it you would drop everything for to be there if they were in need? Who would do that for you? Hold those people close and treasure those relationships. Quality relationships take time, but are worth the sacrifice. Pets might make this grouping as well.
  3. Memories. It is amazing how our brain can bring back memories and hopefully will help us focus on the good moments and the blessings, even in the midst of the difficulties we might endure through life. Visit those often and keep them fresh! Photo books are helpful for this too. While it may be hard to winnow down the multitude of photographs we take, now that everything is digital, having written notes can refresh the moments (and the names) we might otherwise forget and bring a smile to our faces.
  4. Music. It is amazing how music can bring so much joy and how nostalgic it can be. Certain songs propel me back in time to when I was earnestly struggling and seeking God in the middle of it and how those songs carried me through. When I was having a birthday party this year I combed through hundreds of CD’s and culled out my favorite “party” songs to play – those that make me happy but many were tied to moments too. I still love listening to that and probably should make another of worship songs that I love. When my heart is troubled, I often revert to a handful of songs that I will sing to myself for comfort and a reminder that God (back to #1) is still at work.

Notice what didn’t make that list? Home. Cars. Careers. Education. Bank balance.

What do you think? What do you treasure most?

When I die someday, these two songs I want played at my funeral as they have such deep meaning for me and hopefully will bless you. They aren’t Christmas songs but they are very much about the Jesus whose birth we celebrate. Merry Christmas! Hold your treasures close.

Author Confessions: The Control Conundrum

Dec15
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Author Confessions: The Control Conundrum

I have been losing my mind lately. Or have I? I had a mild concussion at the end of September and found that intially I would have occassional hiccups in my brain processing, especially when trying to find the right word when I was talking. Guess it’s a good thing I’m a writer, huh? It doesn’t happen when writing and I have more time to process, and hopefully, edit.

I’ve undergone physical therapy, chiropractic, massage, psychotherapy, bio-resonance screening, and have now added cranio-sacral therapy at the recommendation of a dear friend.

I thought things were improving, but then odd things happen and I’m not sure if it’s a brain glitch or a technology issue (or both!).

To make things more confusing we have three addresses. We have our residence in one town with long obnoxious addresses and two others in a nearby town where we have our LLC and are building our home, also with obnoxiously long addresses. Think latitude and longitude. We would prefer to use our new home address (there is a mailbox there!) but even our shop address which has existed for over 40 years doesn’t always show up and isn’t allowed when ordering things online. Even two of our credit cards will not use either of those two addresses! Fed Ex didn’t even attempt to deliver a check order there and sent it back!

I’ve changed addresses online as much as I can, with most going directly to the the new home address since we are there daily. Yes, there is a mailbox. However, the United States Postal Service won’t recognize the address (even if the village and county do) as valid until the house is 80% built. How do you determine that? Not that it matters too much, the mailman will still deliver there.

This past week I ordered something online on my phone and put in our home address (or so I thought) for delivery. Sometimes the automated systems think they know better and correct the address. I used to live on Menomonee Ave in Menomonee Falls over 30 years ago! Somehow my package got delivered across the street from there, but how? And why did the transaction even go through when that was not my billing address for any of my credit cards! ARGH!!!

I didn’t realize the error until I got the notification it was delivered, but hadn’t shown up at my door. I had to drive to the other address, someplace I had never been to before, to collect my package. Thankfully, it was still by the mailboxes and the lobby to that apartment complex was not locked. I had my phone and identification with me in case someone called the police to report me as a “porch pirate!” Just my luck I’d get arrested for stealing my own package.

Too much drama for me and I kept wondering if this was my fault or not. Did my brain just breeze over the numbers (some where correct, just added a 1 at the front) and street name which mirrored the city name? I don’t know but I honestly cried because I feared my brain was playing tricks on me.

I hate feeling helpless. Out of control. Don’t you?

I spent years in a difficult marriage experiencing that daily and staying for a variety of reasons. The main one was that God had not released me from the marriage. When He did, I left with confidence and peace, in spite of what should have been paralyzing fear.

Maybe my brain isn’t fully healed from the concussion yet. In reality I have had several injuries that are impacting it and my body over the years that were never treated effectively. And unlike dementia, I at least know and understand where there are glitches–and when it’s improving.

I just placed another order online and before I could put in my address somehow it put in my old one 50 miles north and finalized the order before I could edit it. I cancelled the order ASAP. I had used PayPal but even PayPal has my new address. I was furious and frustrated but grateful I noticed it (I am trying to be far more diligent!). I placed the order again and just went through the tedious process of putting in my credit card and not giving any automatic fill-in to take place.

The conundrum of control whirled in my brain. Not only am I recovering from a concussion which I hadn’t originally figured was so bad, but also battling technology and a internet that isn’t caught up with my reality (of a new address). A friend reported the same issue when she had moved to their new home and how it took forever for her insurance to even recognize the new address. I’m not alone.

I don’t want to live in helplessness but realize ultimately I don’t even have control of my next breath. I can make decisions but often it is beyond my ability and all I can to is react to events. I can be proactive, and try to make wise choices but even the best laid plans can be foiled by outside forces as we’ve discovered with the building process. Contractors who quit or mess up, forcing delays, and a lot more work on our part. Companies who are slow to respond to requests for information when I’m offering them a lucrative sale of their product. Contractors who take vacation before giving me final paperwork I need for the bank. Throw in holidays, weather, health, and accidents and we can recognize quickly how little control we have over this life we’ve been given.

When I write, I have to make a decision to sit and work. I do some planning, but the characters take over and sometimes surprise me, forcing me to pray for more creativity in crafting a story I hope people will want to read. When writing my latest novella, Gnomebody but You, I had no idea who was doing all the bad things in the story. I was as confused as my main character, Tali Shadowgrace. That was until the perpetrator revealed himself on the page.

In many ways I love the excitement and surprise of the not knowing. Surrendering to God in the creative process of writing.

I don’t always enjoy that in real life. I need to surrender as part of the control conundrum. That’s not a passive helpless thing. Surrender is willful, and active. A posture of recognizing WHO is in control. It’s not me.

The idea of surrender helped me through the final years of my marriage. Surrendering to God and allowing Him to work in and through me as I waited on His perfect timing. If I had pushed for my own way and gone out of God’s will, I might have missed out on the wonderful love and life I have right now.

My body is healing from the trauma of the past (CPTSD from the years of verbal/emotional/financial abuse and physical neglect), and the trauma of the present (concussion). Much of that healing is beyond my control, but I can despair over the confusion, or I can pro-actively submit to God’s healing power as I engage in various treatment modalities. Even with cranio-sacral massage, it’s not a passive thing. It’s physically relaxing but mentally intense work and focus. It’s trusting God to help my body heal itself.

How do you deal with the control conundrum? I haven’t even talked about how that works out with free-will and predestination, and am not going to. God understands and I think in the end, when we get to heaven He will laugh and say “You missed the point.” The focus should always be on Jesus, the great physician, the One Who is in control of the universe and Who we can cling to when life feels out of control more than normal, (since essentially nothing is in our control). Surrendering and trusting in Him makes it easier to bear the confusion and keep me from sinking into despair. I’ll confess, I do still sink for a time until the Holy Spirit reminds me of the truth and that I can trust Him even when it’s confusing and I fear my brain is tripping me up.

I imagine Mary, submitting to God when He told her He chose her to carry a baby out of wedlock. She submitted and rejoiced in the honor, having no idea the way life would unfold for her, and the joy and pain she would endure. Many people in the Bible had no idea how God was using them in the moment, to further His plan of redemption. No life is insignificant. What a wonderful thing to cling to when life is out of control. God is King over the control conundrum, working out His perfect plan in my life, and yours, when we submit to Him. Praying you can cling to that truth during this, and every season, filled with uncertainty and confusion. There is peace resting in God’s control, fueled by His purpose, power, and love.