Tag Archive | love

Author Confessions: Love Takes Courage Part 2 of 3

Oct26
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Love Takes Courage Part 2 of 3

Love takes courage in marriage but also in friendship.

One of the things that I struggle with is how people who claim to be Christians, can avoid God’s command that we love one another. Now if someone is abusive, I agree that space (physical and emotional) might be required but I believe we are in a time period where some people find solace in being a victim and being traumatized.

This is not to diminish anyone’s pain over past events. No parent is perfect, nor is any spouse, or friend.

“I am a victim therefore I will no longer have anything to do with you,” it is a often a cowardly stance to take. All this without ever confronting the person with why you believe you’ve been wronged. I’ve been guilty of this as well.

Years ago a woman at my church called me. I had been Women’s Ministry Director at the time. She was offended, stating I was snubbing her at church. It was not something I ever intended to do. I get in a zone and can sometimes not notice people because of that hyper-focus. I apologized to her for hurting her, even if I never intended to. Her hurt was real. After that I made a special point to seek her out on a Sunday and speak with her, if even only for a moment. I also told her that I admired her courage to call me and confront me with her hurt. I apol0gized and changed my behavior. I moved last year and don’t get to see her much anymore but I still hold her dear to my heart even more so because she had the courage to love me enough to help me grow and change.

I personally hate conflict. I’d prefer everyone be at peace and get along. However, having served in ministry I’ve had to navigate many conflict situations. It takes a deep concern and love for the other person to step into that and  I’ve never done it without much introspection and prayer so I can take ownership of where I might have erred in the relationship. Sometimes this has gone well. Sometimes it hasn’t and I’ve suffered verbal and spiritual abuse as they justify their sin. That closes the door to reconciliation for me. I can forgive. I can be friendly. But they can no longer be a friend.

When a relationship isn’t close it can be harder to want to resolve the conflict. What’s the point when walking away can be easy to do because they weren’t significant enough. Why make the time and effort if the relationship is disposable? Love isn’t really part of the equation at this point. But here’s my question: Shouldn’t it be? If we are believers in Christ, and someone offends us, confronting bad behavior in a loving way could help that other person grow.

I had this happen in ministry where I witnessed a pattern of behavior from a fellow leader. When I finally sat her down and told her what I saw and how much it grieved me because I know that her actions were not a reflection of how she wanted to be, it was received with gratitude. I’m not perfect either but when I fail I would hope people would love me enough to point out my blind spots.

This is hard in marriage because the choice to step away from the relationship is more complicated. It takes greater effort sometimes to fight to be heard and understood. Two people with differing opinions, pasts, filters through which they see the world, can struggle to come to an agreement or compromise. It’s easier when we truly believe two things 1) The other person is in my corner and loves me 2) The other person wants what’s best for us and the relationship.

As believers we should be seeking unity and love even with people we disagree with. In our polarized climate that can be hard. Not every dispute is life or death even though hyperbolic talk might make it seem so and draw imaginary lines in the sand. Love takes courage in friendships. A true friend should not be discarded easily.

 

Author Confessions: Love Takes Courage Part 1 of 3

Oct19
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Love Takes Courage Part 1 of 3

This thought has been bouncing around my brain for some time and might take more than one post to unpack. So here it goes.

Love takes courage. Why? What could cause me to say that?

Well, for one, love can hurt. It leaves the loved one vulnerable to pain. Writing romance novels where a happily-ever-after ending is the goal, is frought with obstacles to getting there. Betrayal, lies, disappointment along with physical obstacles like distance, health etc, can interfere. And worst of all are the obstacles that lie within us that can take courage to deal with before we can truly embrace love.

It amazes me that a man or woman can find a mate, know them for a little while and then commit to loving them for the rest of their lives. With all the individual family history and baggage we each come with, our ability (or inability) to deal with conflict, our self-centeredness as humans, and of course the challenges that get thrown in our way, that kind of committment to love is a big ask.

Yet we do it. I will admit that my first marriage, love might not have been the original motivating factor but I sought to love and it wasn’t reciprocated. My neighbor is from India and her marriage was arranged but they seem to be happy together. Love can grow when people act out of love.

My husband told me he wasn’t sure he knew how to love. I told him love isn’t just a feeling. It’s not raging hormones screaming for satisfaction. Love is action. It is a choice. Every day. To do what is best for your partner. To sometimes sacrifice for them. It requires self-lessness instead of selfishness.

Love is not abuse in any way, shape, or form. It is not disparaging remarks or name calling. It is not control over finances, words, clothing, and the choices of another. It is not withholding affection or even medical care as a way to manipulate.

I’m primarily talking about love between adults here. Marriage being the culmination between a man and a woman. Two people who are of equal value in the eyes of God, but who have different gifts, talents, abilities to contribute to the partnership. The man’s primary role is to love, lead, provide, and protect the wife (and subsequent family). The woman’s role is not less significant but she must respect the role of the husband and enable him to do it well by supporting him. These are all love in action.

Love involves complete trust in the other person. Praying for them.  Encouraging them. Showing love by meeting needs such as those of their love language (words of affirmation, quality time, touch, acts of service and gift-giving).

All of that requires risk and courage. It means sacrificing a part of my heart, time, and energy to benefit my spouse. And the same for him.  I cannot love anyone else well without the help of the Holy Spirit.

This is a huge topic and I’m only scratching the surface. But love requires courage. Next week I’ll be tackling how it also requires the courage to confront when necessary.

Author Confessions: The Church Matters Even in Fiction

Oct5
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Church Matters Even in Fiction

When I started writing my Orchard Hill Church series, I intentionally wanted a church to be the backdrop for all the main characters in the story because the church matters, even in fiction. The underlying connection in the Orchard Hill stories all comes back to the church. Why?

First of all,  the church is like a family in many ways, and to those who are devoted to following Jesus, the church is a foundational meeting place. Not all of them are safe places, or emotionally healthy, or possibly not theologically sound. I wanted to write about a church that could be the spiritually and emotionally healthy place for people to come. Because even if someone has had a negative experience with a local church, I wanted to make a fictional one where people could come and find a place to grow and belong regardless of life circumstances. Not as a substitute for the real church, but hopefully a template for someone to seek out in real life.

Secondly, accountability can play an important role in spiritual and emotional growth and maturity. In Pesto and Potholes, the first in that series, I wanted the church to be a safe place for Renata to find healing. She’d  been given bad information in a previous church (which does happen). Between help from a Women’s Ministry Director who guides Renata through her pain and a group of men who hold Tony accountable, the church played a vital role, not only in the emotional and spiritual growth of a couple but also their romance–but all in a way that honors God, not hormones.

Thirdly, I treasure the community of believers. While made of imperfect people, leaders and members alike, the church can and should be a force for good in our lives. Even writing Bratwurst and Bridges, where the main character was a pastor struggling with grief and identity I hoped to show that the church was made of fallible, struggling people, who sometimes fail. In Salsa and Speed Bumps – believers engage in judgement and condemnation without verifying the truth which has a painful consequence to our main characters, Stephanie and Roberto.

I’ve been wounded by people in the church. I’ve also experienced God using me in ways I never expected, by serving in the church and trusting healthy leadership. I’ve also had church leaders betray me and lie. Life is complicated and none of us are free from the impact of sin, or the tendency to sin or be influenced by toxic family histories. Even when things got tough, a former, no deceased pastor, had the axiom, “stay engaged through the pain.”

In a toxic church environment, people who are seeking truth and healing sometimes need to leave. We finally left a church where I walked away with some scars. We left more because we moved, but what should have been a much harder grief, instead brought relief. I’m grateful for the space of time in our new church which has restored my faith in the community of faith and where due to this season in my life, I can’t officially serve except to encourage people. No official ministry slot as I wait on God and test out the health of this community of flawed people. And it’s OK to be serving moment by moment as God puts me in a position to encourage or share truth from Scripture. I didn’t realize how much time I needed for healing.

Often in my stories characters will go to church and something, usually in a message, will spur them on to deeper faith and wiser choices in their walk to faith, or their walk of faith. I’ve tried writing without any faith line and failed. It didn’t work for me. The reality is, my faith is central to who I am. It is at my core and has to be expressed in my writing. And no matter how individuals at churches over the years have wounded me, I have used those moments to grow deeper in my faith with God, and thankfully, my love for the church at large.

The church matters, even in fiction, because faith is core to who we are as human beings, even if we don’t want to recognize the importance of the Creator who give us our next breath. It is always my hope that the stories will point to Jesus and that the Holy Spirit can draw them to Himself. Ultimately, my writing is an act of worship as I hope to encourage people to seek God or go deeper in their faith with him, all the while being entertained by a great story.

How do you view the church? Is it family to you? Or are you still finding that family? I’d love to hear about it and pray you find a place where you can be yourself as you grow in your relationship with God.

 

Author Confessions: The Gift of Quality Time

Jul20
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Gift of Quality Time

If you’ve ever studied The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, you might know that one of them is quality time. That is one of my top love languages and I will often go out of my way to connect with people via one-on-one connections. However, if I offer a potential new friend my contact information or suggest connecting face to face and they aren’t responsive when I ask to set a time/date/location, then I let it go. I’m not that important to them and that’s fine. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.

Since I’ve moved, I will easily make the forty-five minute drive back to my hometown to connect one on one with a friend, or family. I don’t mind the drive and figure friendships are worth the sacrifice of time. A few years ago, my husband and I drove cross county, over 1,200 miles from Wisconsin to Houston Texas, to connect with a friend, although maybe next time I’ll fly!

A few weeks ago I had a birthday and my daughter texted a few days before saying she wanted to connect, in my town. I felt so honored that she would make time and drive to have a little lunch with me and see our house-in-progress. Then a few days later, another friend made the drive and took me to lunch, even looking for a place that I hadn’t tried before (and was wonderful). We got to sit and talk for long time. She made me a lovely birthday gift and I will think of her every time I use it, which will be often.

Two times in one week, people who love me showed that love by coming to spend time with me. Quality time. What a gift.

When I write, most of the best interaction between characters are in person, face-to-face interactions. Not just phone calls, social media posts, and text messages. Since Covid, we’ve become less inclined to do that in real life because we’ve become too comfortable with the distance. We sacrifice love for the sake of perceived safety. In a novel, those personal interactions are where people can go deeper in their understanding of one another.

When my husband and I are busy with all of our projects, sometimes I have to tell him that I need that quality time, away from the house, where we can talk about a lot of things, not the urgent work that sometimes takes priority. We regularly spend an hour at night talking before we go to sleep and I treasure that connection. Quality time is an essential part of our marriage.

I spend time reading the Bible and journaling every morning. It struck me that while I might think I’m really great at coming to meet with God, and it is, there’s more. Sure, I want to grow closer to Him. I want to grow in my faith and knowledge of God. In wisdom. I find that my time with God makes my day better.

I was missing something more important. God comes to meet with me. From heaven to earth, through the Holy Spirit, it might not be forty-five miles, and it’s more than 1,200. It is a distance I cannot fathom. Because of Jesus and His death on the cross, and the gift of the Holy Spirit indwelling, I have the honor of God meeting with me at great cost to Himself. I started taking it for granted. I’d lost the wonder of how miraculous and what a gift that God, the Creator of the universe would drop everything to meet with me any time I call upon Him, because He dwells within me by His Spirit. What a mind-boggling gift!

I don’t expect my friends to travel long distances to meet with me. Maybe I don’t feel like I’m worthy of that even though I will gladly do that for them. God loves me even more than that.

How far have you traveled to give the gift of quality time to someone? Do you have friends you would go to great lengths to go to spend time with them? How about God? Are you treasuring the time with Him? My depth of appreciation has deepened for the time I spend with God, since to real life humans reminded me, just by showing me their love, that the gift of quality time is precious.

Author Confessions: Does It Matter If Pets Go To Heaven?

May4
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Does it Matter if Pets Go To Heaven?

I figured I should address this, especially after I took over my blog on April 24th to do a book review because I don’t believe my dogs are sanctified. Oh, they are good pups to be sure, but I wonder: Does it matter if pets go to heaven?

Don’t cut me off just yet.

In recent years I’ve had to say good-bye to four dogs, and with each one, I wept, missed them, and kept looking for them. They live in on my memories, but I not entirely certain that dogs (or any pet) goes to heaven.

Scripture doesn’t mention it. God cares about every sparrow that falls though and all animals are created by Him. He mentions sparrows in Luke and Matthew.

Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.  Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

(Matthew 10:28-30)

Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God.  Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.

(Luke 12:6-7)

When I grieved the first of those dogs I put down, I had to take comfort in a few things:

  • My dog(s) had been loved. Each one was a rescue and their last days, weeks, and months were filled with affection and love.
  • My dog(s) had been well-cared for. Good food, medical care when needed, and fresh air and exercise.
  • My care and love for that pet, mattered to God. Showing kindness to one of His creatures matters.

My pets were a blessing God used in my life:

  • My dogs provided unconditional love–a reflection of their Creator.
  • Every dog I’ve owned had their own distinct personality and quirks that delighted me. How much more does God delight in mine?
  • One dog was my mainstay through a very painful experience and brought me support. The requirements of needing to maintain the daily care of that dog, kept me grounded when the ground in my life was shifting.

Here’s the main point I want to make: Heaven will be wonderful and God loves me and cares about my pets. Is it possible I would be reunited with all of them in Heaven? What a delight that would be. Having said that, heaven isn’t about reuniting with pets, or even people we’ve loved and miss terribly. It is all about Jesus and His kingdom. Being able to be in God’s presence should fill us with all the joy and delight we could ever want for eternity.

Here one earth, He is gracious enough to give us people to love, and pets to steward and care for, but nothing will be greater than being in His presence.

Is it wrong to talk about the “rainbow bridge”? Does it matter if pets go to heaven and to one plans to reunite with them there? My conclusion is no. However, God knows our hearts and if any one person or animal is more important that He is, we are living in idolatry. He longs to be first in our hearts in every way. God cares for our pets and whether or not I believe my dogs will be in heaven, isn’t as important as knowing the God who loves them more than I do, loves me too.

That should be enough.

 

 

Author Confessions: The Control Conundrum

Dec15
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Author Confessions: The Control Conundrum

I have been losing my mind lately. Or have I? I had a mild concussion at the end of September and found that intially I would have occassional hiccups in my brain processing, especially when trying to find the right word when I was talking. Guess it’s a good thing I’m a writer, huh? It doesn’t happen when writing and I have more time to process, and hopefully, edit.

I’ve undergone physical therapy, chiropractic, massage, psychotherapy, bio-resonance screening, and have now added cranio-sacral therapy at the recommendation of a dear friend.

I thought things were improving, but then odd things happen and I’m not sure if it’s a brain glitch or a technology issue (or both!).

To make things more confusing we have three addresses. We have our residence in one town with long obnoxious addresses and two others in a nearby town where we have our LLC and are building our home, also with obnoxiously long addresses. Think latitude and longitude. We would prefer to use our new home address (there is a mailbox there!) but even our shop address which has existed for over 40 years doesn’t always show up and isn’t allowed when ordering things online. Even two of our credit cards will not use either of those two addresses! Fed Ex didn’t even attempt to deliver a check order there and sent it back!

I’ve changed addresses online as much as I can, with most going directly to the the new home address since we are there daily. Yes, there is a mailbox. However, the United States Postal Service won’t recognize the address (even if the village and county do) as valid until the house is 80% built. How do you determine that? Not that it matters too much, the mailman will still deliver there.

This past week I ordered something online on my phone and put in our home address (or so I thought) for delivery. Sometimes the automated systems think they know better and correct the address. I used to live on Menomonee Ave in Menomonee Falls over 30 years ago! Somehow my package got delivered across the street from there, but how? And why did the transaction even go through when that was not my billing address for any of my credit cards! ARGH!!!

I didn’t realize the error until I got the notification it was delivered, but hadn’t shown up at my door. I had to drive to the other address, someplace I had never been to before, to collect my package. Thankfully, it was still by the mailboxes and the lobby to that apartment complex was not locked. I had my phone and identification with me in case someone called the police to report me as a “porch pirate!” Just my luck I’d get arrested for stealing my own package.

Too much drama for me and I kept wondering if this was my fault or not. Did my brain just breeze over the numbers (some where correct, just added a 1 at the front) and street name which mirrored the city name? I don’t know but I honestly cried because I feared my brain was playing tricks on me.

I hate feeling helpless. Out of control. Don’t you?

I spent years in a difficult marriage experiencing that daily and staying for a variety of reasons. The main one was that God had not released me from the marriage. When He did, I left with confidence and peace, in spite of what should have been paralyzing fear.

Maybe my brain isn’t fully healed from the concussion yet. In reality I have had several injuries that are impacting it and my body over the years that were never treated effectively. And unlike dementia, I at least know and understand where there are glitches–and when it’s improving.

I just placed another order online and before I could put in my address somehow it put in my old one 50 miles north and finalized the order before I could edit it. I cancelled the order ASAP. I had used PayPal but even PayPal has my new address. I was furious and frustrated but grateful I noticed it (I am trying to be far more diligent!). I placed the order again and just went through the tedious process of putting in my credit card and not giving any automatic fill-in to take place.

The conundrum of control whirled in my brain. Not only am I recovering from a concussion which I hadn’t originally figured was so bad, but also battling technology and a internet that isn’t caught up with my reality (of a new address). A friend reported the same issue when she had moved to their new home and how it took forever for her insurance to even recognize the new address. I’m not alone.

I don’t want to live in helplessness but realize ultimately I don’t even have control of my next breath. I can make decisions but often it is beyond my ability and all I can to is react to events. I can be proactive, and try to make wise choices but even the best laid plans can be foiled by outside forces as we’ve discovered with the building process. Contractors who quit or mess up, forcing delays, and a lot more work on our part. Companies who are slow to respond to requests for information when I’m offering them a lucrative sale of their product. Contractors who take vacation before giving me final paperwork I need for the bank. Throw in holidays, weather, health, and accidents and we can recognize quickly how little control we have over this life we’ve been given.

When I write, I have to make a decision to sit and work. I do some planning, but the characters take over and sometimes surprise me, forcing me to pray for more creativity in crafting a story I hope people will want to read. When writing my latest novella, Gnomebody but You, I had no idea who was doing all the bad things in the story. I was as confused as my main character, Tali Shadowgrace. That was until the perpetrator revealed himself on the page.

In many ways I love the excitement and surprise of the not knowing. Surrendering to God in the creative process of writing.

I don’t always enjoy that in real life. I need to surrender as part of the control conundrum. That’s not a passive helpless thing. Surrender is willful, and active. A posture of recognizing WHO is in control. It’s not me.

The idea of surrender helped me through the final years of my marriage. Surrendering to God and allowing Him to work in and through me as I waited on His perfect timing. If I had pushed for my own way and gone out of God’s will, I might have missed out on the wonderful love and life I have right now.

My body is healing from the trauma of the past (CPTSD from the years of verbal/emotional/financial abuse and physical neglect), and the trauma of the present (concussion). Much of that healing is beyond my control, but I can despair over the confusion, or I can pro-actively submit to God’s healing power as I engage in various treatment modalities. Even with cranio-sacral massage, it’s not a passive thing. It’s physically relaxing but mentally intense work and focus. It’s trusting God to help my body heal itself.

How do you deal with the control conundrum? I haven’t even talked about how that works out with free-will and predestination, and am not going to. God understands and I think in the end, when we get to heaven He will laugh and say “You missed the point.” The focus should always be on Jesus, the great physician, the One Who is in control of the universe and Who we can cling to when life feels out of control more than normal, (since essentially nothing is in our control). Surrendering and trusting in Him makes it easier to bear the confusion and keep me from sinking into despair. I’ll confess, I do still sink for a time until the Holy Spirit reminds me of the truth and that I can trust Him even when it’s confusing and I fear my brain is tripping me up.

I imagine Mary, submitting to God when He told her He chose her to carry a baby out of wedlock. She submitted and rejoiced in the honor, having no idea the way life would unfold for her, and the joy and pain she would endure. Many people in the Bible had no idea how God was using them in the moment, to further His plan of redemption. No life is insignificant. What a wonderful thing to cling to when life is out of control. God is King over the control conundrum, working out His perfect plan in my life, and yours, when we submit to Him. Praying you can cling to that truth during this, and every season, filled with uncertainty and confusion. There is peace resting in God’s control, fueled by His purpose, power, and love.

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things (Part III)

Sep1
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things (Part III)

Last week might have been a downer, not that I haven’t written about sin, especially how emotions running amuck can lead us down bad paths, but still, who wants to keep being reminded about a truth we’d rather forget? As an author who is a follower of Jesus Christ, it would be negligence for me to avoid the topic.

I want to focus more on positive little things for this post.

I was doing training thirty years ago and the gal coaching me showed me a photo in her office, hung on the wall. A gorgeous sunset. With a black spot. She said too often we focus on the negative instead of the positive and that photo reminds her to look beyond the mistakes to the good that they were doing in their ministry.

It takes effort to look past the bad things in this world and instead spread some kindness and goodness. Like a smile to stranger. Sending a cheerful or silly GIF to a friend to brighten their day. Writing a card and mailing it, just because that person was on your mind (don’t let the price of a stamp become a big thing!). A hug (ask permission first).

I am trying to be more intentional when I am out in public. I can get so focused on my own tasks and I’m an introvert, so this is a challenge. Maybe it is for you. As a result, if I observe someting I like, I go and tell an individual. “That pink blouse is beautiful on you,” or maybe because I know the challenges of curly hair, “Your hair is beautiful, look at those gorgeous curls!” It can be as simple as giving a stranger a smile as you pass their cart in the grocery store. Or giving a struggling mom a word of encouragement as they struggle. “You’re doing great. I’ve been there. It will get better.”  (I try to avoid the trite “Enjoy these moments, you’ll miss them someday and it goes so fast.” I don’t miss stepping on legos).

One day on his way to our  farm property, my husband bought a box of hand picked donuts at Kwik Trip. On his way back to his truck, he spied a man at the fuel pump who looked like he was having a bad day. My dramatic husband decided to act like Donkey from Shrek and said “You look like you could use a donut!” The man was startled and grabbed a donut to the open carton presented to him. My husband didn’t bother to tell him that one blueberry one he chose was my hubby’s favorite. Making that man’s day brighter was worth it. He will often offer a shopping cart to someone going into a store but adds, “It’s a two speed so be careful!” That always gets a grin. He intentionally tries to make people smile.

On the phone when dealing with calls, whether ot the doctor’s office or insurance, there’s usually enough time to be friendly or tell them to have a wonderful day. It sounds trite but too often people who are working at answering phones are dismissed or even treated rudely. At a restaurant, address your waiter by name if you can. Everyone deserves to be seen and something that simple validates their existance. One caveat: robo calls. Try to hang up before you get a person or an automated message. I try to be as polite as possible when I get a person but they won’t listen when I say no, I say thank you and hang up.

You don’t have to be creative or unique–just sincere. Love people where they are at even if you don’t know their name. God does. Some people go so far as to ask “How can I pray for you?” and if you’re courageous enough to stop and pray for them right then and there.

It’s the little things that can make a big difference in someone’s day. Small doesn’t mean insignificant. What little things could you do that might make a difference in the lives of others?

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part II

Aug25
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part II

As I pondered little things when it comes to fiction, my little grey cells meandered to other areas where this is important.

When the Isrealites were preparing for that first Passover they needed to clean to the degree that not a tiny piece of yeast ( a little thing) could be found in the house. I had help cleaning in the house a few weeks back, and the woman told me to be aware that there were crumbs of something in one cupboard. Maybe I had mice. We live in the country and mice are not unusual to find if traps aren’t set, however, in this instance it yeast had fallen out of a tiny hole in a packet that had been cut too close. Better than a mess left by mice, but still, a mess.

I’m not a big fan of cleaning, but this reminded me that even the tiniest sin, is still sin. A speck that can obscure your view. How often do I deep clean my own soul? We get too used to the dust in the corner, or the window sill, or in the cupboard. Over time it gets worst.

There’s a saying that we are not to stress over the little things. And in reality many little things we stress over will be insignificant in the future and we won’t remember them at all. Still, when it comes to daily life, sometimes it is the little things that are important, like confessing sin, spending time with God, paying that credit card bill, changing the oil on the car…

But how about in life? How often do we pay attention to the little things around us? I was deep cleaning in my home and amazed at how much dirt shows up in the space between window glass and screen. Ewww! My husband walks around the outside of his shop or garage always looking for nails or screws. Those little things can cause big problems if a tire hits one the wrong way.

Sin often starts out small. A tiny lie. A corner of your soul that holds on to anger and resentment. Just one video you’d never want your mother to catch you watching (not to mind God!).

What about patterns of behavior? Saying a behavior is wrong for some but not for you (hypocrisy). Being able to think critically can be important for certain tasks: medicine, police work, even editing books. While that is a great skill to have, it can be difficult to turn it off when it comes to people. Having a good work ethic is important but working so hard you avoid relationships, isn’t honoring to those who love you. Seeking to do your work perfectly is great if you’re a surgeon, but expecting perfection of others in everyday life is always going to disappoint.

I could list so many more things, mostly because I have a tendency to sin. I’m gratful for those who I love and trust who can tell me when I’ve erred. I need to speak the truth in love as well at times. I hate having to call out sin in others because I hate having to look at in in myself. True love helps those they love, even with the little things.

When it comes to sin, what little things trip you up? What might God be showing you that you need to deal with? It’s the little things that can grow to be big things.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Myth of Unconditional Love

Aug4
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Myth of Unconditional Love

One of the cornerstones of some therapy is that people need unconditional love. The more I’ve thought about it though, it seems kind of wrong, doesn’t it?

There is no free pass with love. When my husband and I were doing premarital counseling, there was a questions we needed to answer about whether we believed anything could destroy our marriage. I said yes. Unconditional love would say no. Maybe I was more practical realizing that there are many things that can destroy a marriage. I don’t like divorce and I have no desire for that but it is naive to think that it is 100% preventable. While making a good marriage takes three (husband, wife, and the Lord), one person alone can destroy it.

Let me try to unpack this a little.

God loves us. He created us. There are many who say that because God is love there can be no Hell. Some dismiss God because of that. Unconditional love would only seek a person’s happiness and wellbeing. No strings attached.

Maybe the  difference here is there are boundaries and expectations. God’s one big desire was that we are to love Him with all our heart, mind, body, and soul. That’s a tough calling in a world where so many things pull us away to idols that cannot give us a tiny fraction of the love God has for us.

His love is unconditional in that He will always love us but He will leave us to our own devices if we spurn Him and He will allow negative consequences. Even in Scripture He intentionally brought punishment to the nation of Israel for their turning their back on Him. Are those strings?

“And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13).

That sounds like conditions.  God still loved them, but the ability to have a loving relationship with Him was damaged by the choices of the people He called to be His own.

This applies to us as well.

We often forget that God is more than love. He is holy and cannot tolerate sin. He is righteous and pure and cannot stand the taint of sin and our disobedience. He does extend grace and mercy to those who turn to Him and seek His repentance. He even gave us the Holy Spirit to enable us to do all that–as long as we seek Him.

Now we could get into the weeds of self-will and predetermination here but setting that aside, the reality is, however we seek or not seek Him, it is something He desires and we do have some responsiblity for.

I have a child that was difficult to raise and part of that was due to other circumstances beyond mental illness challenges. While he has chosen to cut off a relationship with me, I do pray for him. I love him. I’m sad that I don’t have a relationship with him. I also am relieved I don’t need to deal with his foul disrespect that is so contrary to the truths I and others tried to instill in Him from God’s Word since the day he was born. He has made a choice and I respect that choice. However, I will also not be opening my door wide should he want to return home. He is an adult and has made choices, and should circumstances change that make it hard for him to live with those choices, they will be his to deal with. While I hope and pray that someday he turns back to God, and maybe would desire a relationship with me, there will still be boundaries, as there should be in ANY relationship.

Is that unconditional love? Maybe so. I will always love him and cherish the good, funny, silly memories. I won’t regret the sacrifices I made to advocate for him and push him to be all I believed he could be. He has scorned that and has taken the easy, lazy path in life, but I doubt that will continue because those who have catered to allow him that path will someday no longer be there. I will not enable that kind of life, so coming to me for rescue at that point will be denied.

I will still love him but I recognize that allowing him to take advantage of me is not the way to win back his love or in his best interests.

God is our heavenly Father and yes, of course He loves the individual people He specifically designed and created. He also has allowed all of us to make decisions and choices to follow Him or not and He allows us to take those paths and face those consequences. There are consequences,  good and bad, to following or not following Him.

The Holy Spirit, whom He has given to be our guide will withdraw from providing comfort and leading when we are intentioanlly sinning against God, or worse, denying Him and His power. The Spirit can be grieved. Even God withdrew from Israel when they sinned and was silent allowing them to live the life they chose and face those consequences without a rescue until He deemed they were ready.

So is unconditional love a myth or reality? We can love, but to love well is to be honest, speaking the truth in love, working through conflict to resolution and restoration of relationships. Love that continues to foster sin in the guise of being unconditional love, is really not love at all because love desires what is best for the beloved, even when that means confronting them of their sin and providing consequences. Permissiveness is not love and nothing God has ever done promotes that kind of relationship.

God loves completely. It grieves His heart when people chose to abandon Him. It must break His heart when they make that decision because there is an unpardonable sin. Blaspheming the Holy Spirit, denying God’s power, and refusing to repent. It’s not that God doesn’t want that individiual to repent, however, the consequences is they cannot be in His presence or spend eternity with the Creator of the Universe.

This is just and it is right.

I had a philosophy professor tell me that he was going to challenge God to His face and be entered into Heaven. That kind of arrogance God despises and it is delusional to think that professor would prevail against the Holy Perfect Soveriegn God who created him. Unless he repents he will be seperated from God for eternity in Hell, filled with torment.

So, is love unconditional or not? I can hold love for people because of who God created them to be but that doesn’t put a rubber stamp on sin, or prevent me from calling it out. Those who love me will do the same and because of their love, tested over time, I can accept and appreciate that reproval when it comes because it comes out of love.

For many, love is the myth, never mind the unconditional part. Love is not just words but actions and it is not always a fuzzy sweet emotion. Love is expressed in a relationship, and when that relationship is severed, doesn’t love demand reconcilation? That would be a conditon, right?

I’ve kind of meandered here, but it’s my blog so I ‘m allowed to do that.

What do you think about the myth of unconditional love? Is it a myth? God’s love never fails but as for us sin-tainted humans it does. I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

Jul14
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Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

I was surprised that I never wrote about needs as I’ve always loved Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs and find it contains easy to understand, and biblically sound ideas.

If you’re not familiar with Abraham Maslow, he was an American psychologist and he studied human motivation. It’s probably what he is most famous for. He came up with five basic needs that support the needs above them for a person to be living lives as full as possible.

Hierarchy of Needs

Physiological Needs

These needs we see even in infants. We all need to breathe. If you suffer from asthma like I do, you can appreciate that even more. When you’re hungry you realize how important that need is. Shelter is important to protect us from the hazards that can come from our environments: cold, heat, sun, snow, rain, hurricanes etc. We need clothing as well to protect our bodies. Winter coat in subzero weathers vs shorts and tank tops when it is hot. Sleep is also a need. It messes with our body and our minds when we do not get enough sleep.

Safety and Security

When we break a bone, get a disease, or even a cold, we are reminded how much our health impacts our overall well-being. We need something to do. Now in our society it seems that being online and pontificating and even bragging about not working is the norm but a well-adjusted individual needs employment. Paid or volunteer there is a built in need to contribute to something bigger than ourselves. Property is important, whether you rent or own we need a place. Even gypsy’s have property, they just take it with them. Family is one that is so in danger in our world but is a deep need God has built into us. Having social connections are also important to help us develop and be whole.

Love and Belonging

Friendships, family, intimacy and connection are again, built into us by our amazing God who wants to be in those kinds of relationships with humans. Denying the need for connections and belonging can deeply hurt an individual’s development and very existance. That is why isolation can be so hard long term in prison or for those who are held captive. The lack of connection can be devestating psychologically.

Self-Esteem

We long to be confident, to feel like we matter and that others like us. When that is denied a child, or an adult, it can be devestating. We long for respect for who God created us to be, as unique creations of a loving, and amazing God. When that is withheld it can have a horrible impact on a person’s emotional health.

Self-Actualization

We all have some version of morals, we have different levels of creativity, we desire acceptance, purpose, and to know our life has meaning. We long for the ability to make choices and take actions on our own.

Summary 

Getting our needs seems so simple in a pyramid. Due to sin it can be hard for us to find our needs met in the world around us because it often requires relationships which can be messy.

Next week I’ll be looking at how this connects with motives. Understanding human needs can go a long way to understanding ourselves which is necessary before we seek to understand others. God of course, is already there and calling us to follow Him and grow to be people who can serve Him, even if our needs here on earth are not fully met. Ane while we need these things from other humans, because He designed us for relationships, He also promises to help us with all of these as we seek His face.