Tag Archive | connection

Author Confessions: The Gift of Quality Time

Jul20
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Gift of Quality Time

If you’ve ever studied The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, you might know that one of them is quality time. That is one of my top love languages and I will often go out of my way to connect with people via one-on-one connections. However, if I offer a potential new friend my contact information or suggest connecting face to face and they aren’t responsive when I ask to set a time/date/location, then I let it go. I’m not that important to them and that’s fine. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.

Since I’ve moved, I will easily make the forty-five minute drive back to my hometown to connect one on one with a friend, or family. I don’t mind the drive and figure friendships are worth the sacrifice of time. A few years ago, my husband and I drove cross county, over 1,200 miles from Wisconsin to Houston Texas, to connect with a friend, although maybe next time I’ll fly!

A few weeks ago I had a birthday and my daughter texted a few days before saying she wanted to connect, in my town. I felt so honored that she would make time and drive to have a little lunch with me and see our house-in-progress. Then a few days later, another friend made the drive and took me to lunch, even looking for a place that I hadn’t tried before (and was wonderful). We got to sit and talk for long time. She made me a lovely birthday gift and I will think of her every time I use it, which will be often.

Two times in one week, people who love me showed that love by coming to spend time with me. Quality time. What a gift.

When I write, most of the best interaction between characters are in person, face-to-face interactions. Not just phone calls, social media posts, and text messages. Since Covid, we’ve become less inclined to do that in real life because we’ve become too comfortable with the distance. We sacrifice love for the sake of perceived safety. In a novel, those personal interactions are where people can go deeper in their understanding of one another.

When my husband and I are busy with all of our projects, sometimes I have to tell him that I need that quality time, away from the house, where we can talk about a lot of things, not the urgent work that sometimes takes priority. We regularly spend an hour at night talking before we go to sleep and I treasure that connection. Quality time is an essential part of our marriage.

I spend time reading the Bible and journaling every morning. It struck me that while I might think I’m really great at coming to meet with God, and it is, there’s more. Sure, I want to grow closer to Him. I want to grow in my faith and knowledge of God. In wisdom. I find that my time with God makes my day better.

I was missing something more important. God comes to meet with me. From heaven to earth, through the Holy Spirit, it might not be forty-five miles, and it’s more than 1,200. It is a distance I cannot fathom. Because of Jesus and His death on the cross, and the gift of the Holy Spirit indwelling, I have the honor of God meeting with me at great cost to Himself. I started taking it for granted. I’d lost the wonder of how miraculous and what a gift that God, the Creator of the universe would drop everything to meet with me any time I call upon Him, because He dwells within me by His Spirit. What a mind-boggling gift!

I don’t expect my friends to travel long distances to meet with me. Maybe I don’t feel like I’m worthy of that even though I will gladly do that for them. God loves me even more than that.

How far have you traveled to give the gift of quality time to someone? Do you have friends you would go to great lengths to go to spend time with them? How about God? Are you treasuring the time with Him? My depth of appreciation has deepened for the time I spend with God, since to real life humans reminded me, just by showing me their love, that the gift of quality time is precious.

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

Jul14
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

I was surprised that I never wrote about needs as I’ve always loved Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs and find it contains easy to understand, and biblically sound ideas.

If you’re not familiar with Abraham Maslow, he was an American psychologist and he studied human motivation. It’s probably what he is most famous for. He came up with five basic needs that support the needs above them for a person to be living lives as full as possible.

Hierarchy of Needs

Physiological Needs

These needs we see even in infants. We all need to breathe. If you suffer from asthma like I do, you can appreciate that even more. When you’re hungry you realize how important that need is. Shelter is important to protect us from the hazards that can come from our environments: cold, heat, sun, snow, rain, hurricanes etc. We need clothing as well to protect our bodies. Winter coat in subzero weathers vs shorts and tank tops when it is hot. Sleep is also a need. It messes with our body and our minds when we do not get enough sleep.

Safety and Security

When we break a bone, get a disease, or even a cold, we are reminded how much our health impacts our overall well-being. We need something to do. Now in our society it seems that being online and pontificating and even bragging about not working is the norm but a well-adjusted individual needs employment. Paid or volunteer there is a built in need to contribute to something bigger than ourselves. Property is important, whether you rent or own we need a place. Even gypsy’s have property, they just take it with them. Family is one that is so in danger in our world but is a deep need God has built into us. Having social connections are also important to help us develop and be whole.

Love and Belonging

Friendships, family, intimacy and connection are again, built into us by our amazing God who wants to be in those kinds of relationships with humans. Denying the need for connections and belonging can deeply hurt an individual’s development and very existance. That is why isolation can be so hard long term in prison or for those who are held captive. The lack of connection can be devestating psychologically.

Self-Esteem

We long to be confident, to feel like we matter and that others like us. When that is denied a child, or an adult, it can be devestating. We long for respect for who God created us to be, as unique creations of a loving, and amazing God. When that is withheld it can have a horrible impact on a person’s emotional health.

Self-Actualization

We all have some version of morals, we have different levels of creativity, we desire acceptance, purpose, and to know our life has meaning. We long for the ability to make choices and take actions on our own.

Summary 

Getting our needs seems so simple in a pyramid. Due to sin it can be hard for us to find our needs met in the world around us because it often requires relationships which can be messy.

Next week I’ll be looking at how this connects with motives. Understanding human needs can go a long way to understanding ourselves which is necessary before we seek to understand others. God of course, is already there and calling us to follow Him and grow to be people who can serve Him, even if our needs here on earth are not fully met. Ane while we need these things from other humans, because He designed us for relationships, He also promises to help us with all of these as we seek His face.

Lessons Learned While Writing: Relationships Are Important

May16
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Writing is an isolated task. Even if an author writes in a busy place like an IHop or a coffee shop, we still ultimately do the work alone. As a Christian I believe God is part of that process so “alone” in terms of human interaction is what I’m referring to.

Getting a book published takes a lot of people—beta readers, critiques, editors, marketing, cover art, and eventually readers and reviewers. Writers need people, even if most of us are introverts.

We need relationships. Prayer. Accountability. We need to be reaching out to help others because that’s where we stay engaged in the human race. We need to live life so our characters can be real on the page.

I have found, after coming out of an abusive relationship, that good friendships are a treasure. I can write and it can be cathartic, but I need to do life with others, enjoy a cup of chai or a meal, do something fun, or sit and cry together. This is important to my spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical well-being. I need to keep growing as an individual if I hope to write characters that will also grow through the stories I try to put on the page.

I also need time to play. Whether it’s tug-of-war with my dog, crafting of some kind, a concert, mini-golf with my husband, or a rip-roaring game of Uno. Playing doesn’t need to cost a lot of money. For me playing and decompressing even takes place on my zero-turn lawnmower which my husband has graciously allowed me to do. It’s fun! Sitting and reading a book because I can, not because I need to is a gift as well. Whatever it is, we need to live our own lives fully in this one and only life we have, not just write imaginary stories for others. These experiences give our writing more depth.

It is in one-on-one connection where we grow and are challenged and encouraged. I want my life to count. I pray my words in my stories can encourage and bring hope and maybe even healing to the reader. But if I neglect my husband, kids, and friends, or those I meet at a craft fair, or a writer’s conference, I’m limiting the ways God can use me. Now if I’m unable to go anywhere the writing is great, but it’s still good to have a connection. It keeps me grounded and hopefully helps me avoid some of the sins that can beset creative people.