Author Confessions: Smiling Depression

I haven’t written about depression for some time and for those who don’t deal with it, it can be hard to explain how it can hit for no particular reason.

When a doctor first suggested I had depression, I told her I didn’t. I decided to make a chart with a line in the center and for a month marked my moods for the day above the line (happy) or  below (sad) or maybe even right on the line – neither. When I finished I returned to my doctor and agreed to try medication. Medication helped a lot.

When I told my pastor who was also my boss at the time, he said, “Nah, you don’t have depression.” And many people who would know me would be surprised because I don’t go moping around.

A depressed person may not appear depressed. We’ve learned over time that many people don’t care if you’re down and we  can’t always explain why. Instead we smile.

Circumstances can lead to depression. When your car dies, and you lose your job and the rent is due, that helplessness can become depression. When the situations resolve themselves the depression eases.

Getting stuck in grief is a complicated thing because depression, and all kind of emotions swirl around with memories, regrets, and helplessness. We can’t bring that person back. The loss can be deep and hard to move past. However, that sadness doesn’t need to stay all-consuming although it can sure mess us up for a while.

Depression is not caused by a lack of faith, however, willful, sinful choices can result in depression as inside we know these things are a violation of God’s plan for us. Confessing our sin to God (and others when appropriate) and changing our ways can help. We have a gracious and forgiving God.

Smiling depression is more covert. A smile covers the interior. That is hard to fix if one doesn’t have a compassionate, understanding person willing to listen and validate the pain. To encourage–not fix. Medication and therapy can help. Even with a degree in counseling and life going generally well, I still see my therapist on a regular basis. I’m not fond of the copays but it is an investment in myself and helps in all areas of my life. Depression, anxiety, stress can contribute to other health issues so talking with someone who knows me and can encourage or help me see things differently, helps.

When I’m depressed I write in my journal. I pray. I try to sing. I hug my dog a little tighter (he’s not a fan of that but he puts up with me!). I acknowledge the depression (even if only to myself and God) and try to not let myself simmer and stew in it. I give myself permission to cry. Making plans to be with others even if I’d rather curl up and sleep, helps too. Helping someone, listening to them, can also help. I’ve learned that when depression hits, I am not without tools to help me get through the darkness.

Of course, that depends on how dark it is.

I stay in God’s word daily to help me keep focused on the One who loves me. I love the Psalms because David went through periods of depression too and poured out his heart and helplessness to the One who created and called him. He often turned to praising that very same God who walks through the darkeness with us.

Depression can hit from any angle and sadness doesn’t need to stay forever. I remind myself of this truth: This too shall pass.

When I was free from an destructive marriage, many people came up to me and told me that I looked happier. Stress, helplessness, depression, all dimmed that smile but it wasn’t noticeable until those things had passed. Only those who know me really well can tell when the smile doesn’t reach my eyes.

Some people struggle much worse than I do, but the reality is, we all struggle with things at times and those burdens are not always shared online. Sometimes the most devestating ones are, or the high points. The reality is, most of us live somewhere in between. Be kind to everyone as often as you can, because you simply don’t know what they’re going through behind the smile.