Author Confessions: Anniversary Reactions

Today will be twenty-two years since I learned I had lost a baby I was carrying. My third child. I have it marked on my calendar but sometimes I get close to Thanksgiving and forget–except my brain and body doesn’t. I can be moody and sad without realizing it. This year the date falls on a Monday which was the day I found out. The Monday before Thanksgiving.

The same happens with other significant losses. Moods will emerge that surprise me, which is why I keep those things on my calendar every year just as I do birthdays and anniversaries. Those are about others–grief is about me.

Having said that, and understanding anniversary reactions, I try to be there for my mom on at least two of those significant days. On Valentine’s day I try to take her out for breakfast or lunch because that was the day my father proposed to her.

Today I wanted to remind myself, and perhaps you, that we are heading into a season where many people are facing difficult anniversaries. Holidays rip open the coping scar that develops over our deepest losses. That empty chair, the memories of the past meals or holiday celebrations that can only be revisited in our minds, like an old-fashioned black-and-white movie where everyone was younger and happy before the brutality of life intruded.

All that to say, be kind to yourself during this season of celebration, pay attention to those anniversary reactions. You can’t plan for them but you can be aware. Be kind to others, realizing there might grief underying the smiles of those around you. Sometimes they might not even realize why they are having a hard time. Not everyone realizes they might be having an anniversary reaction.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving week. I pray you find consolation with people you love, family or not, and even if you can’t, praise God for the good gifts He has given and His constant presences and faithfulness.