Fact or Fiction? Beth: The Church Lady

Reading Time: 3 minutes

This story is a work of fiction.  Any likeness to a real person is intended and only for fun.

The lock turned and the door opened.  Beth entered the dark church building early in the morning and made her way to the office without turning on the lights.  Flipping the switch in the office area she sighed deeply. Another day in the life of “the church lady.” She turned the power on to her computer and then went to the closet to put on the Christian rock and roll music she enjoyed as a backdrop to her busy days.

Wandering out to the lobby she glanced down the hallway by the café and noticed that several posters had fallen off the wall.  Again.  It was a pity Pastor Ken wouldn’t allow firearms in the church. If the posters were so bent on suicide, wouldn’t it be more fun to take them out back and just help them “end it all?” Oh well, wonder if he’d be okay with a BB-gun and let her borrow his son’s?  She’d ask at the next staff meeting.  That would be a great stress relief!

She checked the decorations hanging in the women’s bathroom, noticing that the one hanging to the left on the wall had once again tilted.  She righted it and returned to her cubicle.

With a sigh, she sat down and glanced at the many email demands that were awaiting her attention and set to work on the most urgent of them. While many might classify her as mere secretary, she was anything but.  What most people didn’t know was that it was her, Maggie, and Jodie that kept things humming smoothly in the back office. “Support staff?”  HA! She was much more than that!  Setting aside her long list of emails, she started to work on the bulletin for Sunday.  Her frustration started to mount when Kaspersky decided to do an update slowing everything down and the software would not cooperate and do what she wanted in trying to place so many announcements into limited space and edit them as well (couldn’t people even write?) – oh, and make them readable. Not everyone could comfortably read a 6pt font. She would persevere.

A few hours later, Beth was distracted when Susan,  the Women’s Ministry Director came in to her cubicle. “Beth, would you be able to get my ministry brochure done today? I really need it!”

Beth turned and her eyes flashed.  Before anyone could realize the danger, fire erupted from Beth’s mouth singeing Susan’s curly dark hair.  Susan wouldn’t need to get those split ends cut off now.

Fearing that the heat and smoke would set off the fire alarm system, Beth rushed to throw her coat over her keyboard to protect it from the automated sprinkler. The fire alarm started to blare but the sprinklers did not kick in.

Susan was shocked by what had happened. After they had managed to call the fire department to tell them there was no emergency and reset the alarms, Beth looked again at Susan and inhaled the smell of burnt hair. Ewww!  Then Beth remembered that Susan had asked her the day before if she had been losing weight as she looked so much thinner when she had been on stage with the worship team a few days past. 

 “I’m sorry, Susan, that I breathed fire on you. You caught me at a bad time.  I will try to get to your brochure but I have so much to do right now I cannot guarantee how fast I can get it done.  Could I have a two week window instead?”

Susan was running her fingers through her hair and shaking out the burnt pieces but looked up at Beth and smiled. “Sure, Beth, I’m sorry I wasn’t very considerate of your time and the fact that you have so many demands. Will you forgive me?”

“Sure.” said Beth, as she returned to her cubicle.  Everyone left her alone for the rest of the day, which was just fine with her as she managed to get a lot of work done.  She even managed a few minutes on Susan’s brochure.

Leave a Reply