This was originally published in September of 2010
I’ve struggled with depression most of my life. With medication I have more ‘good’ days than bad, although circumstances and hormones and my thyroid issues can mess with all of that. The past few days I’ve been feeling the shadow of that cloud looming and am troubled by it. I usually try NOT to write publically when I’m like this. Not sure why. I don’t need any guests to my pity party and I don’t always like to explain the challenging circumstances that I have lived in and continue to experience on a daily basis. It almost makes it worse to talk about it. It is the way it is. I’ve had to make tough choices and sometimes the consequences are painful.
This week I have a book to read that will scrape wounds raw. When I don’t have to look at my challenges and can rise above them (or pretend they don’t exist!), I do better. But I cannot always stay there forever. I’m finding it hard to lean into the pain I know will come, because I can’t leave it there when I set the book down. However, the issues are bigger than me – they extend to the women (and men) of our church and beyond. So I need to step up even if it hurts. Sometimes life just hurts when you have to face into things that don’t change even though your heart wishes they would. I need to grieve my losses again while seeking to live in hope. I serve a God I can trust with the future.
All of this is before I even crack the book open. However, I had to do something similar two weeks ago and haven’t fully recovered from the emotional wrenching it did inside. So in a way, I’m trying to be realistic.
I wish I could use food to numb or stuff down some of that pain. But those choices have negative consequences and I’ve made so much progress in that area this year. Now is not the time to backslide. Sometimes I just have to feel it. But I don’t wanna! my heart cries out. Well, I don’t like doing dishes and laundry and still – some things must be done.
I’m reminded that it is times like this when I am able to draw closer to Jesus. Knowing He treasures the tears that I sometimes am unable to cry. Knowing that my deepest pains – He has experienced. I’m grateful I have a God who sees, loves and holds me. King David resonates with me so much. “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” (Psa 43:5 ESV)
How about you? Is there a painful reality that is rearing its ugly head and needs to be dealt with head-on? How are you coping? How can I be praying for you? Heed also the wisdom from my eight year old son: storms have a purpose in cleaning the air – purifying it. I think that applies to the emotional ones too.