Tag Archive | conflict

Author Confessions: Christmas Chaos

Dec1
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Christmas Chaos

Maybe you can relate. I’m late writing this because on Saturday (when I should have been writing) I was working on a gift for later this month. Today I realized it is being shipped to my old address so had to text the new owner. It is possible it might get sent back as I don’t know if USPS will do a mail forwarding on a package given to it by UPS.

Christmas chaos.

I tried paying my credit card bills to stay ahead of them and one I couldn’t even get on to the website no matter what browser I used. I’m kind of mad at them but even more so that I can’t pay off my card to make sure I have enough credit for the needs of the next few weeks. On top of that I’m already panicking about getting LLC end-of-the-year paperwork ready for our accountant in January.

Christmas chaos.

I made Christmas gifts but need to find tune them because it was something I’d never done before and I kind of messed them up a bit. I’m a little afraid I’ll make them worse.

Christmas chaos.

This month has a lot of special dates in it. My daughter’s birthday, and her graduation from her trade school course. Special Christmas programs, our family Christmas gathering, our wedding anniversary, and of course, Christmas. Add doctor appointments etc… Oh, and one family member won’t come to the family gathering because apparently I said something bad about his family. Not sure what it was (or when) but I love the unhealthy triangulation of complaining to my Mom instead of to me (where is a sarcasm font when you need it?). All of my siblings have said disparaging things about me and my family over the years…some of it justified! I didn’t skip seeing them over that. I think I’m more of a convenient excuse as they have better plans. I get to be the scapegoat. Funny things is, initially we weren’t even going to be able to attend due to a scheduled surgery for my husband that got postponed.

Christmas chaos.

We have a renter who we try to help out but there’s been a lack of time for relationship between busyness as well as unrealistic and undercommunicated expecations. I want to try to play peacemaker but with two strong people going different direections at the speed of light, how do I get them to sit down, stop moving, and actually listen and care for the other person?

Christmas chaos.

We just got hit with a winter storm that wasn’t as bad as forcasted but still threw people into a frenzy of shopping for Christmas as well as supplies to hibernate if need be. We had no trouble getting dinner out on Saturday night because of this which is a rarety for us. Don’t worry, the roads weren’t too bad and my SUV has AWD and we took it SLOW. Unfortunately, the basement for our house probably has a foot of snow in it.

Christmas chaos.

The snow was beautiful though on the trees! Sunday morning church was light on people as many still needed to dig out.

Christmas chaos.

At my birthday party this last summer someone gave me a plaquc, that of course is packed away now, but says “In the middle of the chaos there was Jesus.”

Jesus came into a world of chaos. Census, pregnancy outside of wedlock, political turmoil, escaping death by running to Egypt.

We’d like to think of Christmas as a time of peace and good will to all men, but it wasn’t then, and likely won’t be now if we consider outside circumstances. Giving birth is messy and painful, and usually not quiet. Shepherds awakened by angels heralding his birth were not quiet and was quite disturbing! And having those shepherds show up in the middle of the night to see your baby? Unbelievable–but it happened.

Christmas chaos.

Jesus was born into a world of chaos and He alone understands how that all impacts us today. Scripture refers to Him as the Prince of Peace. Where is this peace though? The reality is that it is found in Jesus alone, in a relationship with Him. In the midst of the chaos of our inner and outer lives, He longs to bring us the calm. The peace. The hope that there is something better to have in the present and our future as we grow in our relationship with Him.

Maybe you needed that reminder today as well to seek out the Prince of Peace in the midst of a Christmas Chaos that centers not around gifts, family squabbles, or all the concerts and special occassions, but on Him and Him alone. Let Jesus  be the calm in your Christmas chaos.

Author Confessions: Relationships Are Messy

Jun9
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Relationships Are Messy

Does that statement seem more like a “duh” to you? It does to me. As an author we want to have conflict and obstacles for a relationship to face as a story progresses. We want the characters to struggle in their relationships. Kind of sad that we don’t want to read smooth, conflict-free, stories when we were initially created for that kind of life in the Garden of Eden. I can’t imagine how this will play out in heaven when conflict and struggle is all we know down here.

We all come to relationships with a history of good and bad, sometimes trauma, physical, spiritual, or emotional wounds (or all of the above). We come with a family culture that is likely unique from faith, traditions, language, and even the foods we eat. Our neigbhorhoods might be different from others. We might even dress or look different. Our finanical status will impact the quality of life we experience and the kinds of resources that are available to us.

This is why those from a similar cultural upbringing might have an easier time than those from totally foreign experiences. That doesn’t guarantee if you marry someone of the same skin tone, faith, school background and family background and even genetics, that you will be conflict free.

We are so unique in so many ways that it really is a miracle when people can get a long at all. We are emotional people as well and the way we are wired is not identical to anyone else even if you can fit in a similar Meyers-Briggs catagory. I have three close friends and we all share the same Meyer’s Briggs type – but we are still so very different from each other.

I was watching Doc Martin a while back and his wife struggled with how different Martin was but finally had to realize that there is no one who is truly “normal” and trying to completely change him without considering that she might have some flaws to iron out as well, was difficult for her to come to grips with. She finally did.

Appreciating someone for the unique person they are does not mean excusing sin or enabling destructive behaviors.

An author has to take this all into account while writing a story. Sometimes it is the quirkiest characters that people love the most. Maybe that is because all of us have some quirks and can relate to feeling different at times.

If we think any relationship is going to avoid conflict and the need to navigate difficulty, we are delusional. It is what makes stories so much fun to read, but in real life it is rarely comfortable or fun. Often when we face someone else’s personality rubbing ours the wrong way, we need to look at ourselves to figure out how much of that is them–and how much is us.

Not everyone is going to be a friend. Even so that doesn’t mean we need to be disrespectful to them, even if for our own sanity we need to avoid or limit our interactions with them. That is a tricky balancing act: preserve our emotional well-being while trying to be respectful. Boundaries can be hard to execute but we need to do that and be clear about those limits where possible. It’s OK to protect yourself in any interaction.

It’s a miracle that after traumatic pasts, both my husband and I generally get along well and enjoy each other’s company. When life is stressful, or someone is in pain, or doesn’t get enough rest, or is hangry (angry due to hunger) it can definitely complicate our interactions. It would be nice if we could all just totally get what is going on inside someone’s head, but I guarantee mine is sometimes a dumpster fire and not pretty.

So why do I bring this up? Because in our fantasies the right person in our life will make everything perfect. We deny the accomodations, the negotiations, along with everything else that goes into a relationship. We need to be real because sin has impacted every aspect of this world. It seperated us from God but can also drive a wedge in between us and people we care about. Navigating all of that takes humility, prayer, and effort.

Do you agree that relationships are messy? How do you navigate that in your own life? What kind of characters are you drawn to in fiction and how messy are their lives?

The Yuck of Unresolved Conflict

Jan8
Reading Time: 3 minutes

I’m someone who dislikes conflict. I can handle it well. I’ve had training. I understand de-escalation and all the techniques involved in fighting-fair. I’m just someone who prefers harmony. I’m careful when I go into a conflict situation where I need to confront someone. I pray. I try to figure out what part I played in the situation. I challenge my motivation: Do I really want what’s best for the other person in resolving this?

I try not to let anger or resentment fester. The challenge comes when the issue is not mine to solve. Oh, but I’d sure like to go and make it happen! Speak up on behalf of someone else and let them know that what they did to that person was WRONG!

That is called triangulation and it’s not a good thing. It’s not my job to help mend the relationship between two other people. Now if they ask for my help or assistance I can go with them to do that, but I cannot intervene on their behalf.

Obviously, there are exceptions. If my husband or child is unable to speak up for themselves in a medical situation and they’ve given me the right to speak for them, you can bet I’ll advocate for them! An attorney does a similar thing in mediating a conflict.

But person to person – it needs to be between those two people.

I lost sleep over an issue with this. I was ruminating over the a situation between two people I care about and how they can’t seem to work things out. The one has reached out to the other but there’s been no reply. When the issue first surfaced I asked if the one I’m closest to if they wanted me to helpe mediate a resolution so there could be peace. (I like harmony) but that individual wanted to handle it on their own so I had to step back and wait. Several months have gone by with no resolution. It’s not a relationship that is geographically close but had been good up until one point, and then the other person shut down. Argh! Can you sense my frustration? This has caused a rift in my relationship with another individual as well who is associated with the one who shut down. Oh, what a tangled web.

Until the other person is ready to deal with this, there’s nothing that can be done. So I pray and I wait and… I grieve the loss of the close relationship we all had.

God is the only One who could bring that individual back to the table to talk, or text, or call, or zoom… but the wounds left by their abrupt rejection has hurt more than the person they rejected.  That saddens me. It even clouds some decisions I will eventually need to make.

Maybe it’s a blessing in disquise that those relationships are strained. I doesn’t feel like a blessing. I’ve learned things and became aware of issues along the way that might have made the close relationships we thought we had seem more like smoke and mirrors. Maybe it was just wishful thinking. At some point we all just need to move on past it but there is no relationship if there’s no communication and that has been strained on more than one front.

God sees and knows. It’s hard when friendships have to slide into the “acquaintance” catagory. It feels like a personal failure yet it doesn’t even involve me directly.

Life is hard and friends do come and go. I don’t like that so much. Yet there are friendships I’ve had to walk away from or just not go deeper with for my own health. Maybe that’s the situation with this person. Maybe instead of a crash that the attempt to mend things would have caused, we’ve veered away from a cliff that would have harmed me and my friend further. I don’t know, but I do believe God understands my heart and my desire for peace in those relationships. All I can do is leave it in His capable hands and move on with my life knowing that God has it handled. Thankfully there are other friendships that have grown closer in the vacancy left so I will instead cherish those and work to be as healthy with those as I can be in resolving the challenge that can arise.

Have you been tempted to triangulate on behalf of someone you care for? If so, how did you handle it?