Author Confessions: Secondary Losses

Since I wrote about secondary gains last week I figured it was time for secondary losses.

These are the things that can accompany a significant loss.

For instance, when a person is widowed, they lose their spouse, the person most important to them in the world. However, they might also lose some relationships who are couples that the man and wife used to connect with. They might lose financial security that spouse provided. The might lose a caregiver if that was a role the deceased spouse took in the relationship. That is a secondary loss. Relationships change. Their entire life is changed. That is why they often suggest a widow or widower not sell their house that first year because they are too vulnerable and might be taken advantage of. Eventually the memories can become a comfort instead of a reminder of deep pain.

A child of a deceased parent might also suffer secondary losses: the lack of time they had hoped to experience things with that individual, the lack of opportunity to learn from them, and in many instances, the lack of time to restore a broken relationship.

This is also true of divorce where people feel they need to choose sides. There a financial loss but they may lose their home, financial stability, relationships with their children (depending on age and who gets primary placement), friendships, and the connection they may have had with the ex’s family. Divorce is always painful and difficult but it also has gains as well: freedom to heal if there was abuse.

Losing a baby due to miscarriage is a horrible thing to live through, but it is more the loss of the hopes and dreams that were held by the parent that makes the grief more difficult to bear.

Losing an infant or an older child is equally gut-wrenching. The secondary losses though are the change in the home missing that individual, the change in relationships as everyone goes through the grieving process but everyone’s grief is unique, and also the loss of all the hopes and dreams that parent had for that child, including the death of the dreams that child had for him or herself.

When a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness, there is the looming loss for that individual as well as the family. But there are other losses as well: hopes and dreams of growing old together, perhaps missing significant events they looked forward to (a child or grandchild’s graduation or wedding), financial stability as medical bills take their toll, the inability for the relationship to be as reciprocal, the distancing of some who don’t know how to deal with it. That’s just a few possible secondary losses.

A friend got help for her husband with dementia as she could no longer care for him at home. Loss – dementia. Gain – help and a safe place to live. Secondary loss – her housing told her that since there were no longer two people in that residence, she would need to move.

Often times we can take changes in stride but it is worth acknowledging the complexity. When someone suffers a loss, whether yourself or someone else, keep in mind that there is more than one thing they are losing.

An individual who has suffered trauma, loses perhaps even the control of when that will hit them again. They might lose their innocence. They might become helpless in the face of strong physical or emotional pain. It is easy to stay hidden from the world to avoid that, but ultimately that produces even more losses. It is exciting that there are now more trauma-centered therapies that can help people process through that. The trauma will probably never go away, but the individual’s ability to live a life in spite of that will greatly improve which can come with many gains. (I explore that in the book: Operation: Skirmish)

With secondary gains, there is an incentive emotionally for an individual to remain stuck. This could happen with losses as well as getting attention for that loss can keep an individual stuck in their grief. Telling them to “get over it and move on,” will only cause them to dig in deeper to that victim mentality.

What about when something good happens? Major life changes do not happen in a vacuum.

A man gets a promotion with great insurance and benefits. That might result in loss of the relationships he’d developed in his current position. If it involves a move, the entire family, while gaining more financial security, might lose the connections they had at work, school, or church.

We so often focus on one thing, but any significant change in our lives has a ripple effect and some of that is positive and some of it is sad.

The birth of a child is a wonderful thing but it comes with a loss as well, loss of freedom, sleep, space, and finances. It also changes the marriage (if the parents are together) for better or worse.

No matter what we face in life, we have an opportunity to feel all the emotions but even if we need help with that, we can move past it and avoid the victim mentality.

Where have you perhaps overlooked secondary losses in your life? What secondary losses surprised you?