I sat down with a good friend last week and confessed that I was struggling in my walk with God. It’s not that I don’t pray, I do. But making a daily time to spend with Him was something I was ambivalent about and even resisting.
She asked me a good question. How come with all the women I know and have served with, there wasn’t anyone to be holding me accountable?
Well, some are just too busy.
I also served for years in leadership and to some that seems to elevate me to the status of someone who isn’t going to really struggle with my spiritual walk. I’m good for listening to them and encouraging and praying for them–but it’s not reciprocal.
And I’m still feeling bruised and battered from some of the abuses I suffered while in leadership. These are hurts that few know about because I don’t gossip and spread other’s sins abroad, no matter how badly I was injured in the process.
My friend gets it because she’s seen leadership struggle in her own church. It can be a lonely place.
Someone came up to me a few weeks ago and told me she used to be afraid to approach me. She thought I was intimidating.
Wow. That made me so sad. I don’t want to ever appear intimidating.
I’m glad she knows better now.
So here’s the scoop. I’m not in the “in” group anywhere. I often feel like an outsider. I’m afraid I’m not good enough – at anything and everything. I cry. I lose sleep due to my irrational fears.
I get lonely and due to circumstances I won’t go into here. I struggle to feel like I have any value in this crazy mixed up world because there are people in my life who have pretty much led me to believe I don’t. And I often sabotage myself in the very things I’m trying to achieve.
Ugly truths, huh?
I don’t like heights. It’s not the heights themselves, but the fear of falling from them. Please, PLEASE take me off any pedestal you have put me on.
I sin. I screw up. I let emotions sometimes derail me from being productive in the work God has called me to do. I get scared about the future, even the good things I see God doing.
I don’t feel ready for that. I feel inadequate and inept.
Just because I smile doesn’t mean I have my act together. I’m so far from perfect. I’m a member of the human race just like you are. Any good you see in me is totally there by the grace of God.
I’m grateful that my friend was willing to take the next step that many others weren’t. She asked me the tough questions and she made a date for us to meet again to discuss how it’s going. Accountability. I am beyond grateful.
The best gift I ever got while serving in ministry was from the first pastor I worked for who weekly did not hesitate to ask : “So how is your walk with God going? What is He teaching you?” At first I found those questions intimidating but soon learned they were an expression of love. We need more of this in the church.
In a recent radio interview I said this: “Whatever calling you pursue, don’t do it alone. I don’t think we can do anything for the glory of God on our own.”
I know I can’t. How about you? Who is holding you accountable in your walk with God?
hugs, my dear.
I appreciate your honesty, Susan. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in my struggles. 🙂
The thing I have to remember is no matter how I try (and I better try) and how accountable I am held (and I better find those to encourage and exhort me) I am a sinner. While this can never be an excuse to sin, it keeps me from any sort of ‘I think I can’ attitude and lets me rest in Christ’s finished work. I’m approved by God because I’m in Christ, and my delight in that grace helps me delight in trying to please God out of gratitude while knowing He is already fully pleased with me in Christ.
Thanks for sharing. I can relate and your honesty helps me to know that I am not alone when I have such struggles and disappointments. Persevere. It is good to have a true friend like the one you have. God bless you.