Tag Archive | humility

Author Confessions: Relationships Are Messy

Jun9
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Relationships Are Messy

Does that statement seem more like a “duh” to you? It does to me. As an author we want to have conflict and obstacles for a relationship to face as a story progresses. We want the characters to struggle in their relationships. Kind of sad that we don’t want to read smooth, conflict-free, stories when we were initially created for that kind of life in the Garden of Eden. I can’t imagine how this will play out in heaven when conflict and struggle is all we know down here.

We all come to relationships with a history of good and bad, sometimes trauma, physical, spiritual, or emotional wounds (or all of the above). We come with a family culture that is likely unique from faith, traditions, language, and even the foods we eat. Our neigbhorhoods might be different from others. We might even dress or look different. Our finanical status will impact the quality of life we experience and the kinds of resources that are available to us.

This is why those from a similar cultural upbringing might have an easier time than those from totally foreign experiences. That doesn’t guarantee if you marry someone of the same skin tone, faith, school background and family background and even genetics, that you will be conflict free.

We are so unique in so many ways that it really is a miracle when people can get a long at all. We are emotional people as well and the way we are wired is not identical to anyone else even if you can fit in a similar Meyers-Briggs catagory. I have three close friends and we all share the same Meyer’s Briggs type – but we are still so very different from each other.

I was watching Doc Martin a while back and his wife struggled with how different Martin was but finally had to realize that there is no one who is truly “normal” and trying to completely change him without considering that she might have some flaws to iron out as well, was difficult for her to come to grips with. She finally did.

Appreciating someone for the unique person they are does not mean excusing sin or enabling destructive behaviors.

An author has to take this all into account while writing a story. Sometimes it is the quirkiest characters that people love the most. Maybe that is because all of us have some quirks and can relate to feeling different at times.

If we think any relationship is going to avoid conflict and the need to navigate difficulty, we are delusional. It is what makes stories so much fun to read, but in real life it is rarely comfortable or fun. Often when we face someone else’s personality rubbing ours the wrong way, we need to look at ourselves to figure out how much of that is them–and how much is us.

Not everyone is going to be a friend. Even so that doesn’t mean we need to be disrespectful to them, even if for our own sanity we need to avoid or limit our interactions with them. That is a tricky balancing act: preserve our emotional well-being while trying to be respectful. Boundaries can be hard to execute but we need to do that and be clear about those limits where possible. It’s OK to protect yourself in any interaction.

It’s a miracle that after traumatic pasts, both my husband and I generally get along well and enjoy each other’s company. When life is stressful, or someone is in pain, or doesn’t get enough rest, or is hangry (angry due to hunger) it can definitely complicate our interactions. It would be nice if we could all just totally get what is going on inside someone’s head, but I guarantee mine is sometimes a dumpster fire and not pretty.

So why do I bring this up? Because in our fantasies the right person in our life will make everything perfect. We deny the accomodations, the negotiations, along with everything else that goes into a relationship. We need to be real because sin has impacted every aspect of this world. It seperated us from God but can also drive a wedge in between us and people we care about. Navigating all of that takes humility, prayer, and effort.

Do you agree that relationships are messy? How do you navigate that in your own life? What kind of characters are you drawn to in fiction and how messy are their lives?

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Inadequacy (aka Imposter Syndrome)

Jan13
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Inadequacy (aka Imposter Syndrome)

I hadn’t heard of this until relatively recently. Imposter Syndrome is in reality feeling inadequate but it applies more to professional work. It is where someone feels like a fraud. Not good enough. Not worthy. Inadequate.

We’ve all experienced feelings of inadequacy at some point or another. Starting a new job, or perhaps that first job right out of college or in an internship. I felt totally inadequate to work as a therapist. I never got licensed so I never called myself a psychotherapist although I have counseled people and had the training. Maybe Imposter Syndrome kept me from pursuing that further? When I did counseling in my job it was while I was under supervision and getting my hours so I didn’t need the “title” or license to do the job. When I did it in women’s ministry, I definitely felt inadequate given the state of my private life.

When I served in leadership at my church and taught classes I experienced inadequacy for the same reason but since I was honest about my inadquacies and was encouraged to do the work, I soon lost that sense of being an imposter.

When  I first taught classes at writer’s conferences I was barely published myself so I was learning a lot as I prepared to teach. I learned and then was qualified to share that with others and since I was being paid I didn’t feel too inadequate.

Sometimes inadequacy is a minimalization of the gifts God has given and perhaps if there is a pendulum swing between that and prideful arrogance, then I think inadequacy is the lesser of the dangerous emotions and I probably will address that at some point.

If we are trusting God and following Him we are assured He will equip us for every task, even if we don’t feel adequate to handle it.  The apostle Paul experienced this. In 1 Corinthians 15:9-10 says: For I am the least of the apostles,  who am not fit to be called and apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by  the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me did not prove vain…”

Inadequacy can resolve to humility when we recognize that we are never perfect enough for the work God has called us to. Whether it is writing, preaching, counseling, teaching, parenting, running a business or any other job or task. When we lean on Him and are honest about what we don’t know, or that we are not an expert, we can avoid feeling like an imposter. If God calls us, then to stay mired in an emotion of inadequacy is denying the power of the Holy Spirit to use us as He sees fit.

Now that doesn’t mean there are not imposters out there. There are. I struggle to trust those who claim expertise in any area since that tends to exclude a teachable spirit which is essential to our lives. Not that I want to be corrected, that is never fun, but if I want to be good at anything God leads me to, then I should be open to correction and growing in that area. God doesn’t call us to a task and then expect us to not actually work at that task. He won’t do it for us but He will help us and equip us as we go.

This is why someone who has just come to Christ can zealously share the gospel without even having read the entire Bible much less attended seminary. He has enough for the task ahead. Even aspiring writers can encourage other writers with things they have learned.

I’ve taught on leadership but don’t claim to be a great leader or know everything about the subject. I’ve taught theology classes but don’t know everything there is to know about God and the study of God. I’ve taught on writing and editing but I still have so much to learn and have not mastered everything. In everything I’ve always admitted up front that I am fallible. I don’t know it all, but hopefully I know enough to help someone else on the path to learning about the subject. Now that doesn’t mean I won’t teach what I know with authority and confidence but doing that I don’t experience emotions of anxiety and inadequacy, nor pride. I can do the job God gave me to do.

A few years back I struggled with whether I would write again after a brutal tangle with an editor. That book finally released and I love it but hate to pick it up to read it because of the trauma of that interaction and the battles that ensued to that particular book published. The dangerous emotion of inadquacy almost had me quitting it all. I persevered, got the book published and have gone on to write others since then. I will admit there is a greater fear of failure now than there had been previously.

Have you ever experienced inadequacy or imposter syndrome? How have you dealt with that?

 

Author Confessions: The More I Learn the Less I Know

Oct28
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Author Confessions: The More I Learn the Less I Know

This sounds a bit confusing, doesn’t it? It would seem that the more we learn the more information we have stored in our minds therefore it would only make sense that we are smarter.

In some respects that might be true. However, I would like to posit that for me, the more I learn and understand about myself, the world around me, writing, and especially God, the more I realize how tiny and small my understanding of it all is.

I do not have the corner on truth in any of those realms. Not even about myself.

My personal history is colored by my thoughts and perceptions. Sometimes when different information is offered regarding an event, it shifts my knowledge about it and can even change the way I think about a particular event.

This is a delightful way therapy can be helpful, by assisting the patient in a wider perspective on their situation or circumstance. Not to minimize their pain by any means but to give them a better grasp of all that is impacting them emotionally. Challenging our thinking, broadening the scope of understanding, or looking at things through a different lens can be helpful.

We tend to think in somewhat fixed patterns. We like to retell stories, often with the same script. It’s easier for us to do that. I’ve done this with areas of teaching as well that I am most comfortable with. The challenge for us as human beings is we can get stuck in those groves of thought and widening them to include something that is anti-thetical or perhaps changes the perceived truth about something, can cause a not so fun experience called cognative dissonance.

This is a reality in life but also plays out in fiction so don’t think this is only about our intellect. Our characters reflect real life and sometimes when a character is stuck perhaps in a twisted view of God’s forgiveness, they need to be confronted with truth about that which can be uncomfortable. This internal struggle, whether in real life or in the mind of a fictional character, requires growth which is somewhat uncomfortable.

Why?

Because we need to humble ourselves to admit that we didn’t know it all.

Now there are those out there that proclaim to have a corner on truth and aren’t teachable. Call them fools if you will. They are unwilling to adapt or grasp that there might be a different perspective. Another word for them might be narcissist.

We’ve seen this with the election cycle. People argue for or against a candidate based on the person instead of the policies. They believe what the media tells them instead of doing the hard work to investigate the truth. Yes, character is important, but is that version real or the one pitched to you by advertising and political pundits? It can be difficult to dig through the dirt to find the reality. When people do research and decide they were wrong in their previous position, it takes humility and is often faced with opposition by those who haven’t undergone that process. Civilized dialogue has disappeared in many instances because of the entrenched thinking people on both sides tend to have and it becomes adversarial with a desire to insult rather than learn. In recent years we’ve seen people penalized and silenced for offering a perspective on things that differed from what the mainstream media and government wanted us to believe. They were called conspiracy theorists. Many times they suffered horribly for that but in the end they were often proved correct in what they had been trying to share.

Learning requires humility and a willingness to admit that maybe we were wrong.

This goes beyond politics to religion and even relationships.

I was always clear to my children when I had messed up. I wanted their respect and trust but believed that if I erred in the way I had reacted to something, they would learn that kind of respect for others.

I’ve seen families torn apart by lies told by one parent. Even adult children can hold to a line of thinking that has been emotionally reinforced and encouraged in an effort to avoid a relationship with the other parent. This is nasty business whether the child is young or old enough to think for themselves. It’s not a game I ever wanted to play.

Forgiveness often requires this humility, doesn’t it? We have to admit that maybe there is more going on than we’d like to admit and trust God to deal with the perceived sins of the other person. We might be legitimately wounded but sometimes it can be hard to parse out what is real and what has been slanted in the communicaiton about an event.

I could look at my father’s workaholism and be angry that he wasn’t around more. Sure it hurt when he couldn’t make it to a concert perhaps. As an adult, however, I can recognize his humanity and that he had his own issues he struggled with that might have kept him from being as present as I would have wished. He also had the responsibility of providing for a relatively large family. He did the best he could with what he knew.

I could get angry with my husband over something but I have to filter it through several different lenses.

  1. Is this something that is more my issue? Am I reacting more as a result of past trauma than to the here and now? This has happened where he’s accidentally triggered something in me that was not good. Once I’ve informed him, he changes the behavior. I’ve had to do the same for him.
  2. I need to remind myself that we are on the same team and give him the benefit of the doubt. It might not have been intentional (see #1).
  3. It might be part of who God has created him to be and I need to adapt to that even if it isn’t always comfortable. We all have our quirks in our personalities. I remember that God made Him unique and I need to appreciate that uniqueness. In this instance my issue is more with God than my husband.
  4. It’s easy to stew in my feelings because if I confront them I might find out I did something wrong too. It takes courage to talk about our hurt and frustration and the cause of that and work that out between two people. It’s worth it to go through that process.

When we were about to get married my fiance (now husband) told me he knew everything about me. I told him that couldn’t be true because we had years of history on both sides and we would spend the rest of our lives learning about each other. A few months later I learned he was the “M&M Grandpa” and had a collection of M&M memorabilia. Six years later I discovered his favorite pie was blueberry and not apple, although he loves apple pie too. I finally baked a blueberry pie for him. The more I learn the less I know.

The other part of this is also self-knowledge. I’m still learning about myself as I grow older. My perspective changes as I go through events in my life. I learn. I understand differently. I unearth new truths about the way I react to things or perhaps blind spots (I’ll deal with that next week). I read fiction and non-fiction to broaden my thinking and inform me. I was recently diagnosed with ADD (inattentive type) a few years ago, and while I understood much about this, I’ve learned new tips and tricks that help me be more functional in my daily life. Growth has benefits!

The reality is, as a believer in Jesus Christ and one who seeks to follow Him with all my heart, my mind, and my soul, I need to hold to a posture of humility that the Lord of the universe has knowledge beyond my grasp. Every time I open Scripture I learn new things, or see God, myself, and the world a little differently. It’s a slow process because God is gracious in not shoving all my sin down my throat at once. He’s gentle and patient as long as I stay humble, teachable, and seeking Him for who He is not just what He can do for me. I’m grateful that He provides the Holy Spirit to guide and teach me,  and even pray for me when I can’t find the words. The Holy Spirit is in the business of teaching me what I don’t yet know.

How about you? Do you find that the more you learn the less you know? How have you seen this play out in your life?

 

Author Confessions: Pride vs Humility

Jan22
Reading Time: 3 minutes

I’ve been working at book marketing. I hired a virtual assistant company a few months ago and learned a lot from the two wonderful people I worked with. I still have some help but due to trying to be fiscally responsible, I have taken on more of the work with all I’ve learned. I’m incredibly indebted to Tyler and Bonnie. I’ve learned so much but more than that I made some friends who also love the Lord. We pray for and encourage each other as well as deal with the tasks. What a blessing on so many levels.

Most authors hate marketing. At least I do. I don’t like promoting ME. It’s a tough world with so many voices everywhere but I need to help people find my books. The best advertising is word-of-mouth but nowdays so many people only read things on their phone. And with all the information coming at all of use all the time when we go online, who has time to think, “Yeah, I’ll give that author a try.” We’d rather spend $5 – $7 on a new drink at Starbucks than spend the money on an ebook, or perhaps a paperback – which might equal the cost two or three drinks but will take much longer for you to enjoy and can be read over and over or shared. And it’s calorie free. Much like caffiene, a good book can keep you up at night as well.

As I sit at my cluttered desk trying to get marketing stuff organized to feel like I’m on top of it all, I was going over some reviews for some of my first few books. I’ve not looked at reviews much in the past few years because I don’t want to think “I’m all that and a bag of chips,” or to be hurt or disappointed that a reader didn’t perhaps “get” the book or appreciate the effort that was put into it. It takes a lot of effort by many people including me, to publish a book.

I found myself working on sorting through this information and weeping. I did this very task last week with some other books, but for some reason, today, tears started to fall.

I don’t believe that Susan M. Baganz is the greatest author ever. Shocker, right? There are so many other better authors out there and I’m still learning with every book I write.

Early on in my writing I had someone criticize me for promoting my writing on Facebook. However, it’s what I am required to do by my publisher. That individual said I was being prideful. Ouch. There was a lot of other painful words in that verbally abusive conversation that I can shove aside, but that one criticism haunts me.

Sure, I love the stories I write. But here’s the weird thing, at least for me. If there is anything good that shows up on the page that impacts someone, that’s all God. I’m a fallible vessel. If there is any failure, that’s all on me.  I write and pray and it is an act  of worship but I’m not perfect by any means. So when I read reviews and a reader tells me how much they loved the story or how it ministered to them in a particular way, I’m humbled that God allowed me to write those words. What an honor to be used by Him doing something that is hard work with little reward–but hopefully has an eternal impact.

Yes, I write fiction, but even Jesus told stories to get a point a cross. There’s a field of psychology that uses metaphor to help get beneath the defenses of people. That’s the power of story. If God wills it, the words that I labored over will reach someone where they need it most and for every reader it might be a completely different reaction.

So today, I’m humbled and honored. To those of you who read my books and write reviews, thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to share your thoughts with me and the world. I hope and pray God will use all my efforts–at writing, editing, and marketing–to expand the reach of those words He so graciously gave.

If per chance you have read and enjoyed one of my novels or novellas, and haven’t written a review, would you please do so? It really helps readers to find the books. And tell someone about a book you enjoyed. Mine or someone else’s. Writer’s rarely make much money, but knowing our work is appreciated and shared goes a long way, maybe not to paying the bills, but at least in letting us know the work we do matters.

 

 

 

Lessons Learned While Writing: I’m Not As Good As I Think I Am (aka Humility)

Apr4
Reading Time: 2 minutes

I had started writing in a way many in that genre write, from an omniscient narrator perspective which meant I’d hop from one character’s thoughts and experiences to another without pause. Well, if older writers could do it, why not me?

Oh, how wonderful I thought my first book was, until I began to get the critiques back. What was head-hopping? What do you mean I have too may points of view? What is a point of view anyway?

Because that was then and this is now. I read, and got feedback and I rewrote the book taking out one character as it was too long. Then I rewrote it again with only two points of view. I revised it another time sparsely adding the point of view a villain who appears in subsequent books to give it a darker, more suspenseful tone. Instead of writing a lighthearted Regency-era romance, my novels were more Gothic!

Every time I write a story there is a mixture of pride and fear mixed into the process. Will it be good enough? Will the story resonate with readers?

Sometimes I wonder if big sales have eluded me because I’m poor at marketing or because God is protecting me from pride—that erroneous belief that I wrote those books and I’m wonderful.

I did write them—with God’s help and that of others. And I am wonderful, as a child of God which means I’m also a flawed human being.

Every round of edits can bring up fears of not being good enough. But in reality, I’ll never be good enough. I can only hope to grow to be better than the last book I wrote.

My daughter told me not to worry: “You’ll be famous when you’re dead.” I laughed. Guess I’m not in a hurry to be famous then because I have a lot more living to do should the Lord allow me to remain here.

Sometimes I wonder when it will end. Writers don’t really “retire,” so as long as I have the ability and the imagination, I suppose I’ll keep writing, and leave fame in the hands of God.

What projects do you struggle with to find humility? What works for you to keep you from wallowing in self-pity or puffing yourself up too much?

Mixed Bag of Dreams

Jul29

Reading Time: 3 minutesThe writing life is a path littered with dreams mixed in  with gravel and uneven pavement.  It’s an uphill hike with mosquitoes and muscle cramps. It’s filled with momentary joys and lots of harsh reality.

I wrote my first book and was so proud of my accomplishment. I mean, I wrote a book! A whole book! A novel that surely was amazing! But then I found out that no one writes a good first draft (duh, even college should have debunked that thought!).  I revised and modified and cut and entered a contest.

I didn’t win. I found out I had been guilty of a sin I didn’t even know existed. I was a dreaded “head-hopper.” Yup. My point-of-view moved around with great alacrity leaving nothing to be hidden. Don’t even get into show vs. tell issues. And nasty little words like “Oh!” and “then” and “a bit” that would pop up with regularity.

I still found it fun to edit my work and make changes. I still do because I know I’m getting closer to a book someone would possibly be willing to spend money on.

Then I went to my first writer’s conference. So fun!

I got my first short story published! How exciting!

Not a whole lot of money for the amount of work you put into it, but hey, they are publishing credits.

And then there were rejections.  Contests with feedback that contradicted. One judge would love my writing and score it high and another (same manuscript) would get panned and scored low.

Or agents with various criticisms, again contradictory.

Then I found out that leading with my contemporary romance was not good because they don’t sell right now. Funny because I’ve been reviewing quite a few wonderful ones (Beck Wade’s was just last Friday and I just read her latest one and loved it!). Sigh.

Well, I did finally snag an agent but the joy was tempered with the reality that my work was still flawed and I’m going to have to work hard before she can sell my story to a publisher.

Shrug.

I’m still learning and I take comfort that no one is an expert in this. We are all learning and three different editors will give me three different opinions. I’ll trust this agent because she’s not afraid to make me work hard and I know she loves me for who I am too.

And even if I get a great book out there, someone is going to pan it at some point. The more an author sells, the more there are haters that will not hesitate to slam them.

I read a lot. There are some books littered with errors in formatting, puncutation, grammar and sometimes even just horrible research.  I had read a recent book and a friend and I talked about it – because it was bad. For its genre it should have never been published. It was one of the rare ones that I couldn’t even finish. Yes, it was THAT bad.

But I’m not going to review it. I know writing is hard and at this point, what good would it do? Unless I’m willing to read the entire book (and I’m not) then I’m not going to bother writing a negative review (it would be very negative).  When I mentioned that my novel is being returned for me to do some major edits, my friend reminded me of this aweful one and said that even with the work I need to do, my novel is better than this one that got published. Bad day for that publisher? There’s a lot of great fiction out there and writers willing to work and do what it takes to get published.

I don’t want to be like that author and not have a book that someone would be afraid to review because it was so bad.

Someone once said to me: “Watch out for pride as you take this journey.”

Pride? Oh, yeah, it rears is ugly head in moments only to be crushed by the reality that my writing is never going to be as wonderful as I think it is. Someone will always have a problem with it.  Hey, I even read a Nicholas Sparks novel and got so frustrated because he kept telling me the same thing over and over and over! Get on with the story! I’m not an idiot!  Yeah, I didn’t review it. He’s a great writer, but even he isn’t going to appeal to everyone either. As much as he sells I”m sure he’s been whacked a time or two (or million) with critics.

So I’m rejoicing that I’ve taken the next step in my publishing journey even if I’ve stubbed my toe on my own inadequacies as a writer. I’ll keep writing, editing, learning and growing as much as my wee brain can handle.

Can I have some Cheese with that Whine?

Mar21

Reading Time: 2 minutesI hate whining. Seriously. My kids do it often and I find it annoying. As I sit and type, my son is next to me doing homework and complaining loudly all the while about everything under the sun.  The room we are in at school. Relational issues with friends. The work itself. The size of the desk he is sitting at. The light being on. Noise in the hallway.

We do this about the weather. We complain winter is too long, spring is too wet, summer is too hot (and full of mosquitoes) and that fall, well maybe we don’t complain much about fall except that it’s a prelude to winter.  It’s like we cannot just be content in the moment God has given us. Right here. Right now.

I know that deep down inside, I whine just as much as my eleven year old son. I want to blame all my problems on others just like he does. I complain and moan and groan to God about, well, pretty much everything. My weight, my wardrobe, money, marriage, kids, bed, messy desk, dishes, laundry, the impossible to keep clean toilet. . . I just may not speak the words out loud. But they are there.

Then God starts to change my circumstances. Not everything, but I can subtly see Him working. I asked for Him to show me that He was at work. I knew He was (He always is, even when I cannot see Him) and now, well, I don’t have a good excuse to whine so much. It’s a bit

humbling.

It kind of takes the wind out of my self-righteous sails so to speak.

We sometimes ask our kids if they want some cheese with their whine. (they don’t get the joke).

I don’t want to have a complaining spirit. I don’t want to be someone who is looking for the negative and basking in the glory of victimhood of events beyond my control. That sounds so

ugly.

I’m just vain enough to not want to be ugly before God. In reality, my whining is simply a cover for my anxiety and fear. This is why I so desperately need to be spending time daily meditating on truths from God’s Word. Then I need to reorient my thinking to who GOD says He is, regardless of my circumstances and rejoice in that, hold tight to Him and focus my thoughts on better things.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me–practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. (Php 4:8-9 ESV)

How about you? Do you have a list of complaints, (i.e. prayer requests) that you give to God but continue  to hold on to as a mantle of all that is wrong in your world? How do you fight against the urge to complain?