Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Betrayal
I was talking to someone the other day who had suffered trauma as a result of the unexpected actions of a former spouse. He was discussing this and I finally said, “I think what you are trying to describe is betrayal.”
It was like a sucker punch to him. Naming our emotions and realizing how they truly impact us, can be difficult and painful, but it is also important.
The word betray isn’t in Scripture too often, it is referenced in repeatedly in relation to one person: Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus.
Jesus was suffering from a variety of emotions before He was betrayed, arrested and tortured. I would suspect that even though he understood this was going to happen, it was a deep cut to His soul that someone he had trusted and poured into for three years would do this. It was essential for God’s purposes to be fulfilled but that doesn’t make it any less painful.
Betrayal can wound us deeply but like many emotions, it is more dangerous when it is unacknowledged. When we can name the emotion and feel the pain, although gut-wrenching, we can then move past the “victim” stage and move on into a new life without that person.
Betrayal that is buried and not properly grieved, because it signifies the death of a relationship, can twist a person up inside and lead to self-doubt, self-recriminations, victimhood, paralysis, and self-abasement. The danger in betrayal, whether buried or acknowledged, is the desire for justice and retaliation. God says He will vindicate those who harm us. David wrote: “Vindicate me, God, and defend my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from the deceitful and unjust man. For You are the God of my refuge. (Psalm 45:1a HCSB)”
It is entirely possible that the betrayal isn’t truly about the individual betrayed, but what they stand for: Jesus. He said to His disciples in John 15:18-19: “If the world hates you, understand that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own. However, because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of it, the world hates you.”
Betrayal is a unique wounding not only because it signifies the loss of a relationship, but also a loss of trust one had in at least one individual. We are to be wise in who we trust, and betrayal calls into question our judgement. We are to always trust God who will never betray us. We may have been blind to the evil in that person but we should be glad we discovered it. While the level of betrayal can vary, the injury is the same. We need to be careful in the future then of who we trust in and might need counseling to learn perhaps the signs of people who are not safe for us to be in relationship with.
If someone betrays someone else, take that as a red flag and do not trust them. Just like with gossip (which is a verbal betrayal), or adultery (a sexual betrayal), or personal theft (a financial betrayal), if someone is willing to do that about someone else, be assured they might do it to you. Beware of those people. Paul gives this warning to Timothy:
For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, without love for what is good, traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to the form of godliness but denying its power. Avoid these people! (1 Tim 3:2-5)
Betrayal of you, if you are a follower of God, is also a betrayal of the Lord Who called you to be His follower. It is always wise to search inside for any hidden sin that might have contributed to that but the offender is responsible for his or her own actions before God.
Betrayal buried or denied can lead to more pain in the long run. It can lead to an individual being stuck helpless as a victim instead of moving past this horrific event to mature and become wiser, to rise above as a victor. Betrayal acknowledged and our pain submitted to God, can be a turning point for us in growing in wisdom and trust in the God who will never betray those who are truly His and seeking His face.
Can a relationship be redeemed after betrayal? Anything is possible with God but that doesn’t mean that the victim in this situation returns as if nothing ever happened. We are commanded to forgive, even if there is no apology or reconciliation but that does not equate to a relationship. Trust needs to be earned over time and the person who was offended has every right to put limits and conditions and be cautious with the level of trust given to the offender. That is not a lack of forgiveness but an act of wisdom and protection.
Final note. Just because someone sets limits on your relationship doesn’t equal betrayal. It may have more to do with them than it does with you. Respect the boundary and if they have cut back on trust, reciprocation is possibly wise. Sometimes we need again to check ourselves to make sure our actions haven’t unwittingly precipitated that boundary, and maybe we have some growing to do as a result. If you find yourself betrayed by a boundary, and angry at that, it says more about you, than it does about them.
Have you been betrayed? How have you recovered from that? It can leave deep wounds that time, prayer, discussing it with a trusted friend or therapist, can help with. Grieve the loss, forgive the person, and move forward with your life. The dangerous emotion of betrayal doesn’t have to define us forever. God never wastes our pain.