Tag Archive | rejection

Author Confessions: We All Get Stuck

Jul1
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: We All Get Stuck

I remember a pastor asking me once how he could help hurting people. I told him that primarily people need to talk and he needs to listen, offer compassion, and maybe resources when appropriate.

That’s a very simplified look at counseling, yet sometimes it is the simplest things that can make a difference when we are helping someone, especially those stuck while dealing with difficult emotions like grief, anger, abandonment, betrayal… through death, divorce, abuse, neglect, or when someone close turns their back on you whether a friend, spouse, or adult child.

Complicated and strong emotions can be a challenge to deal with. You’ve probably gathered that from my various Dangerous Emotions posts.

Someone recently begged me to provide some simple things they could try to help someone who was stuck due to a traumatic loss. He was grateful for the help and figured maybe some of that could be helpful to you as well as you come across people who are hurting. Many of my books in my Orchard Hill Series look at aspects of this too, especially Pesto and Potholes.

You Can’t Understand

Even if you have gone through a similar situation: abuse, divorce, church hurt, loss of someone close, you can tell them you you can’t understand what they are going through. Every situation and person is different and the emotional fallout they experience will be unique. Even if you haven’t experienced it, you can tell them it hurts you to see him hurting. You don’t know what to do, which leaves you feeling helpless and frustrated.

o   Another way to say that might be: “(Name), when you repeatedly talk about _____________, I feel helpless and sad because I don’t know how to help you.” It’s not blaming the person, but acknowledging their pain while sharing your own feelings and desire to offer comfort.

o   You can acknowledge that the individual has trauma from all this and even suggest trauma therapy, or just regular therapy. Their church might be able to recommend someone. There are therapists online as well making it more convenient. It can be a suggestion and it is up to them to decide if they want to follow through.

Point out the Positive

God is always at work even in the difficulties of life. If you can, tell the person where you’ve seen growth or improvement in their life. It can be small. “I know you’re hurting but you got up today and even agreed to meet with me. That’s a win.”  Even if they seem stuck, help them see where they might be making strides forward even if it is three steps forward two steps back. They are moving. Try to remind them of the positives wherever you can. When dark emotions are clouding everything else they might not be able to see the positive.

o   Even as they are moving forward in so many ways, it is OK to point out they may still be acting helpless when it comes to the aftermath of situation with the various emotions they might be strugglign with like:  betrayal, abandonment, viciousness, and grief.

o   Avoid comments like: “I know how you feel,” or “God has a plan,” or “We all go through hard times,” or “Someday you will be able to see what God was doing.” While there might be truth in many of those statements they are not helpful when someone is spinning in emotional circles. They don’t care about the future right now or God’s plan. Pain can overwhelm all of that and it will come across as insensitive. Don’t put on a band aid where a tourniquet is required. Don’t brush off emotions as unimportant or that they should just, “Get over it already.”

Remind them of the Whatevers

Scripture tells us to focus on: “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is anything excellent or praiseworthy, let your mind dwell on these things. (Phil 4:8 NASB). I’ve even used this in some of my books. In psychology it is called reframing.

o   Example: When my car broke down when my kid were little, in the middle of a busy highway at night, and we needed to be towed, in the van, up on to the back of the tow truck platform, I could tell my kids were a bit scared. I told them “We’re having an adventure!” I must have used that too often for them because my daughter, in her car seat said, “I think we’ve had too many adventures.” LOL!

o   Anyway, if they say something like, “I don’t know what I did wrong,” You could respond with something like, “We all do things wrong in relationships, however, what did you do right? Maybe you weren’t perfect, no one is. Then focus again on the positive by pointing out positive virtues you see in them. Did they put on clean clothes? Do their hair? Even simple tasks like that can be challenging when emotions are overwhelming. Acknowledge the small wins but dont’ be patronizing.

o  One man I know used to say often, “I must be a bad man.” I had to remind him that while he is not perfect, and made mistakes, he is a good man with a kind and generous heart and not everyone can see that if they are fed lies and holding on to anger and resentment. Those lies do not need to become his truth. God sees and understands the truth behind all those things, and we can trust HIM to be the judge and take care of those who hate us or try to undermine us.

They May Not be the True Target

Sometimes what people are really opposed to isn’t us – it’s the God we are seeking to serve. As people draw closer to God then thedivide in a relationshiop can become greater. Especially for victims who have been abused and try to leave, it is the most dangerous time, even if they were never physically attacked before it could happen then. When we follow Jesus and make our life choices as He leads us some people will take issue with that and they might even claim truth from God to get you to do their will.

Much the vitriol people can spew out is more about Jesus than it was about a the person.  Just being around someone who is (imperfectly) seeking a godly path can feel like the Holy Spirit is poking someone who isn’t. One work of the Holy Spirit in this world is to convict people of sin and unrighteousness. That can make it uncomfortable for those who are walking away from Him and intentionally choosing a sinful path.

We all get stuck. I’ve been stuck and in hindsight I wish someone would have gently listened and then helped me see more and more the victim I had become. I felt hopelessly stuck but eventually God led me to resources that challenged me to change. That realization that I had slid into that kind of position was hard to swallow. Devestating actually. Thankfully between God, a wise therapist, and amazing friends who listened and loved me,  I was able to see God mature me, change me, and eventually leave that situation. God was with me every step of the way. We all get stuck but the good news is God never abandons us. Keep seeking Him. The LORD brings people with skin on to help us take steps towards healing and freedom.

I hope this helps when you find someone, perhaps close to you, who is struggling. We all get stuck at some point or another, so offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and love.

If you think I’m giving schmaltz that ignores blatant sin… stay tuned for next week.

 

Author Confessions: We Don’t Always Get to Publish the Story We Want

Apr8
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: We Don’t Always Get to Publish the Story We Want

That seems kind of odd to say doesn’t it? If I publish a story, wasn’t it the one I wanted to publish? Not necessarily. There are several reasons why an author doesn’t always get to publish the story they want to.

Reason 1: The story is not one that a publisher accepts. This might be because the author hasn’t found the right publisher for their story. Or maybe they did but the publisher already published something similar or has something similar in the works. Even with fiction they don’t want to publish stories that are too close in concept. I have received stories that were no where near what our publisher would accept as they violate our core principles (not Christian faith represented, foul language, sex…) and those I had to politely reject.

Reason 2: The story isn’t ready yet. This happens quite often where an author submits a story that needs a lot more polishing. As an editor I used to give a lot more feedback on stories like this but after being taken advantage of too often I can no longer do this. Yes, I was a sucker. I understand how hard it is to be published so I would read the entire story and give concrete feedback on how it could be improved. This is something I was not paid for. One author responded and said: “I knew it wasn’t ready but wanted your free edit.” Really? Now that wouldn’t have been so bad if she had resubmitted it to me with the changes so I could have maybe recouped my time in some kind of compensation down the line. I told that author’s agent that he should never submit any of her work to me again. She had taken the story, reworked it, and submitted it to someone else and got published. And to be honest, I don’t have that kind of time to do that for free.

Reason 3: There are drastic changes that need to be made to the story. This happened to me. I had a story, Truffles & Traffic and I tried something a little different with four points-of-view. I’d seen another author do this successfully and thought maybe I’d give it a shot. My editor hated the concept and I had to rewrite the story drastically, removing that romance to only be seen through the eyes of the two primary characters. I think the story is still good, but it wasn’t want I had wanted to publish. I tried something and failed at it. Now maybe another publisher would have liked that but had already contracted it before being given that news so I did the work to get it changed.

Reason 4: The author never submits the story. Yes, this happens way too often. I might meet an author at a conference and hear his or her pitch for a story and get excited about it and want to see it. Fear often sets in. Sure they might work on it more based on suggestions or things they learned at the conference but either they chicken out and fear the rejection or they realize this is more work than they really want to put into it. I attended a conference where an author got a book contract and the editor said he didn’t know whether to congratulate her or feel sorry for her because now the hard work was going to begin. Another part of this is that some authors have stories they wrote or started and never finished. Fear? They started writing something different and left one behind. It just never gets published and that’s OK!

This actually happened to my friend DeeDee Lake who I finally co-authored several books with. She had started it and had a lot of ideas but the timeline didn’t work and she had too many plot points to fit well into one book. As a result we wrote four together! The first story wasn’t want she initially intended, but I think it was better.

Reason 5: Not ever story needs to be published. Writing can be it’s own reward. I’ve met with many people who want to write and I encourage them to do it, but don’t start out writing with the goal of being published. While it would be lovely if every story could be published, it is a lot of work and sometimes writing your story, your experiences, or even something creative, is all that you need. There is catharsis in doing that. I’ve seen people make their own books to only share with family but not sell to the wider public and that is fine as well. Not every story needs to go through the gamut of the publishing industry to have value. If you write something and love it and want to share it with the world and are willing to commit to the work it takes to get published? Then go for it.

Reason 6: Something in your story is triggering something in the editor. Whew, this is a tough one. Usually if I contract a story, I’m the editor for it, but we have copyeditors as well and sometimes it might be that person who has an issue with something in your story. This might result from a bad experience they’ve had and they might react to some of the content or the way your story takes shape. The reality is not every story is right for everybody. I had an author pitch a story and something about it made me uncomfortable. We’d published other stories by her and we wanted to work with her. My Editor-in-chief gave a suggestion about how it could be changed to be more palatable but due to the initial “yuck” factor I asked that it be assigned to another editor. It was. Then that editor needed to resign due to health issues and it ended up back on my plate. It was a fine story but due to the emotions I had the first time around I never could shake that “yuck” feeling although with the changes it was just fine. I had this happen to one of my stories as well and finally I needed to ask for a different editor because I realized the emotional reaction she’d had to my story, even after I made many of the changes she requested, meant that she’d not be able to accept that it was MY story and some of what she asked for, I wasn’t willing to change. That’s a hard road to travel as an author. I’ve even called authors to talk to them when a copy editor has had an issue–mostly so they understand that I am in their corner and I love their story–but could you go back and make these changes? Every time it has been good but sometimes the personal touch is important. Otherwise most of what is communicated is on paper and it can lose the validation that an author really does need. Publishing can be a scary process.

I have other stories that changed drastically over the course of editing, before and after being contracted, so they weren’t the story I originally intended to tell. Some of that is me growing as an author in my craft, but it’s good to remember that sometimes even after a contract, significant changes might be made to a manuscript. A good editor will understand your voice and respect that. Still, before you submit a story, remember that we don’t always get to publish the story we want--but hopefully it will be even better than what you had planned for.

 

 

When a Rejection Bears Fruit

Jan16
Reading Time: 4 minutes

I started writing in 2009. One novel through National Novel Writing Month. Had fun. Kept writing, clueless about all I didn’t know about writing and publishing fiction.

logoIn 2012 I wrote a historical novella A Wisconsin Christmas Blessing. I submitted it to a company called Pelican Book Group who was putting together a Christmas collection of novellas. The submission process resulted in a request for the full manuscript. Naive me – I thought I had it made. I was going to be published.

Not so fast, Susan. 

I got a rejection letter from one of the editors. But I didn’t get just a rejection letter. I received a 1 1/2 page (when I printed it out) email. She said: “I would like to list the most common errors to point out some things  that might help you prepare your manuscript for re-submission.” Six specific areas of growth to be exact. SIX! Talk about humbling.

fragileblessings1-copyDetailed, informative and time-consuming. As disappointed as I was at the rejection, I felt honored at her willingness to help me, a novice writer, grow. I sent her a thank you note for all the time she took to write that email and help me.

prism-new-logoI sat on that story for a few years. Time can often equal growth and wisdom if we let it! After I became an Acquisitions Editor with Prism Book Group another opportunity for a Christmas series of novellas arose so I rewrote my novella using all the tools that this fabulous and compassionate editor had given me. It was contracted, renamed and Fragile Blessings was published in 2015 to great reviews.

Now this is where it gets really weird. Prism Book Group was recently acquired by Pelican Book Group as one of their imprints. This also means that all my published works are now technically Pelican books (under the Prism Book Group imprint). So in essence, Pelican did end up publishing my novella! To be honest, the editor had given me an open door to resubmit that I had never taken her up on. God knew.

So now I will be part of a team of editors who I get to work with, one of whom was integral in helping me grow in my writing. Since that rejection, I’ve published two novellas, a collection of short stories, three novels (and a fourth coming soon) and have seven more books contracted. And another two with my agent.

Here are some of the lessons I learned that hopefully will help others: 

  1. Listen to the feedback you get from rejections. Not all of it will be right – but you can always learn something.
  2. Don’t give up. Maybe that story isn’t the one that’s going to sell, keep writing. Obviously, I didn’t stop at one novella given how many stories I’ve written. Write long, write short. Just don’t quit.
  3. Trust in God’s timing. My story wasn’t ready for publication in 2012 but after some conferences and growth and writing more stories in between, when I went back to that novella, I had better skills to apply to make it publishable.
  4. Don’t burn bridges. Can you imagine if I had sent a scathing note to that editor? She would have told her boss and do you think that woman would have been as eager to bring me on as an editor? It’s a small world in Christian publishing and while yes, we are commanded to forgive, it doesn’t mean that you’ll be trusted with the bigger tasks God might have in store with you down the line.
  5. Relish the new opportunities for growth. That editor is now someone who I’ll be working more closely with now with the books I edit and I hope and anticipate I’ll learn even more on my journey because I hope I never stop improving my stories or my editing for others.
  6. It’s okay to laugh. I am giggling at God’s path that led me here. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined this journey he’s had me on and the blessings of the people He’s brought in my path. Writing (and editing) is hard. Pouring your soul on paper is not without risk and life itself throws us curveballs all the time. I’m grateful for the people God’s placed in my life to help me get to those next steps.

I’ve kept that editor’s name private for now… she knows who she is and my hope is that you’ll treat every editor you meet, not as your enemy, but as someone who really can help you grow, even when you get a rejection letter.

Oh, and I almost forgot. Fragile Blessings tied for second place as an inspirational short at OKRWA International Digital Awards for 2016. Not too shabby for a story that was initially rejected, right?

How about you, if you write, do you have any stories of things you’ve learned through the “rejection” process?

What’s Your Favorite Flavor?

Jun30
Reading Time: 3 minutes
Image courtesy of debspoons / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of debspoons / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream? My oldest son is pure vanilla. My daughter loves cherry and my middle son love Reece’s ice cream.

Hubby will eat about anything. I don’t think he has a favorite.

I love a mint chocolate chip but have been known to enjoy butter pecan or praline ice cream at times. Because ice cream messes with my asthma, it’s a few and far between treat…and it better be the best there is when I do have it.

Now if you asked me about favorite popsicle flavor I would be all over the board. I love cherry but also root beer and banana!

Our reading tastes are as varied and diverse as our taste for cool deserts in summer. For instance, I love a good romance, but I’m not as keen on southern romances and avoid Amish. I’m a fan of western historical and Regency time period. I have friends who love WWII fiction. Others who love thrillers or mysteries. I love a good romantic suspense but not a pure suspense. Women’s fiction is great but not my “go to” kind of thing.

Reviews can reflect more the taste of the reader than the quality of the book. Let’s face it. I’m not a fan of Stephen King but that doesn’t mean he is a poor writer. He’s not. He’s brilliant and has carved out a career for himself. Nicholas Sparks has a following too but while I’ve read him, he’s not my fave either. Now personally, I won’t do reviews on books like that if I don’t absolutely have to. “Have to” is when I’ve been given a free copy and in return write a review–good, bad or indifferent about it. As an author (or even a reader looking at reviews to decide whether you want to read the book), take that into account as you read the especially negative ones. My favorites are those who got a free copy of a Christian book and then take issue with the faith element. Um, duh? It was clearly stated that there was going to be an inspirational component! Yeah, not all readers are as smart as you and me.

Editors and Agents have preferences too! Sometimes a book could be well written but just not quite what we prefer. At Prism Book Group we will often ask another editor to read it to see if they want to take it on. Sometimes we just don’t have the time though. It is hard to say no to a great story, but sometimes we have to because it has to be a favorite, not just dessert for the sake of ice cream.

Even publishing houses have their flavor. I had friend say, “I don’t have a Bethany House voice.” I had to stop and think about that because I do read a lot of Bethany House authors and I think that writer is correct. There is a particular kind of voice they like. But another publisher may not. And you may not either. I’ve had friends read a book I raved about and been disappointed. It wasn’t their flavor! And that’s okay.

Editors and Agents don’t like to give rejections, but let’s just face it. If I don’t love your story as much as you do, then you do not want me to do the editing job on it. It’s hard work to edit a book but I like to enjoy my work and if I have a less than thrilled attitude going in, no matter how hard I try, I can’t guarantee I’ll be bringing my best game to your project. Not that I wouldn’t try. I would. But you want your editor or agent to be a champion for your book, to cheer you on, encourage you to make it the best. You need to know we aren’t being nasty when we give you those edits, but we are trying to polish your book, make sure its flavor is the best it can be, so the right readers can enjoy it too.

What is your favorite flavor–of ice cream or novel?

 

That’s it, I Quit!

Nov18
Reading Time: 2 minutes

I met with some writing friends recently and we were talking about the crazy life of an author.

The struggle to get a story just write right.

The reality of writing, revising, rewriting and then being told it’s wrong or an editor wants you to do it differently.

The conflicting opinions on certain “rules” (no head-hopping for instance, something that is more acceptable in secular fiction).

The length of time it takes to get any response from an editor or publishing house.

Being accepted and then still finding your work isn’t “good enough” for that particular person.

One gal said, “I’ve quit three times this past week.”

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I hit a spot last week too where I was beset by self-doubts.

Most authors struggle with these thoughts at some point.

If you don’t write, I hope you can understand this. Writers spend hours, days, weeks, months YEARS crafting the book that is held in your hands. Every step along the way feels like a benchmark but is laden with pitfalls.

You get an agent–but they want you to make changes before they try to sell your work.

You get a book contract–and the editor of the publishing house asks you to make changes to the writings of your heart and dreams.

You finally get published and  people condemn it.

That’s an awful lot of criticism for an author to have to deal with. Then, it starts all over again with the next book.

So why did I sign up for this masochistic career?

Because God called me to and His purposes in my writing are bigger than my dream of being published. How often I lose sight of that when life is overwhelming and I just want to cry, curl up in a ball with my puppy and lick my wounds. Well, he’d be licking his butt – probably a good illustration for how distasteful this torture is.

And most of us don’t get paid until after the book is published and people take their shots at us.

So I expect I’ll be serving my resignation many times in the future. God never seems to take it very seriously though and I’m glad he undersands the wounds and struggles in the process.

It is a process–and not always pleasant, but I am learning more about myself as well as how to write better. The reality is that will be a lifelong process. There is no “arrival” in this career. At least not until we get to heaven and see our names published in the Lamb’s book of life. Now that’s worth struggling for.

Rejection is Part of the Game

Apr14
Reading Time: 3 minutes

I’m in the midst of some changes in my involvement in church ministry. It’s been hard being in leadership because being in a position like that is like putting a target on your back and letting everyone practice shooting arrows at you.  The hard part is that it is rarely that people criticize you for things failing or not going well – the attacks get personal.

I have been slandered over the years more times than I can count. The attacks are more on my personality or character and often judging my motives.

This kind of thing is hard. If you need affirmation and encouragement – this is NOT the place to find it. Sad isn’t it? The church, where we are to be “building one another up and encouraging one another as the day is drawing closer” can often be the place of our greatest pain.  Yet God has given me a deep love for the body of Christ.

I do get affirmation from close friends and leadership.  I am blessed by so many people I have served with. Still, it hurts to maligned and misunderstood.

Maybe that’s why I’m such a champion of respecting and praying for our church leaders. I know firsthand the pain of attacks and the difficulty leaders face in leading a group of volunteers who are trying to be “family” in the body of Christ.

But, I’m a writer too. Writing is also ministry. There is something different about rejection in writing. For instance,  I just got a rejection of a manuscript that had been requested in full. Ouch. It hurts whenever someone doesn’t think your work is good enough. But that’s just it – it’s my work. I can improve.  I can grow.  This editor was a blessing in the way she delivered  her rejection. She took the time to give me specific areas where there were problems with my writing and how to change them.  She encouraged me to submit again in the future. This is highly unusual in the publishing industry. She didn’t blacklist my name or say I was a crappy person too full of myself to see how awful my writing was.

Rejection is part of the game with writing and seeking publication. It just is. The more I’m on line the more I see how many of us are out there pursuing our dream, writing our stories and trying to honor God with our gifts. Sometimes I admit, I feel jealous of the success of others when they finally get that contract, that book art, that first box of books with THEIR name on the cover.

I know I could have those things if I self-published and ignore the opportunity to grow. But I want to give God my best effort. That takes work and I’ll admit that sometimes I fear I’ll never be good enough. I’m so blessed by my readers cheer me on.  They remind me of how God has already used my writing for His glory.

In writing the rejections are usually not personal.  My writer friends know I’m zany and crazy and fun. They believe in me because they know I desire to grow and I’m not so full of myself to think I’m the next hot thing since Stephen King.

So I’m going to keep writing and serving God here until He says no more or calls me home. I’ll still serve in the church but the way that happens is shifting, and I embrace that. The Scripture God keeps bringing to my mind is this:

How do you handle rejection? What is God doing in your life that is new and fresh?