Tag Archive | relationship

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Hate

Mar3
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Hate

I believe hate is an emotion strongly corrolated with anger. Typically we hate something that angers us. Although sometimes it might be a strong distaste for something, like anchovies, which tends to be a pretty harmless expression of the emotion.

The reality is, we all hate something, and maybe at some points, someone. It’s what we do with that emotion that counts. I have heard the expression, “Hate the sin, not the sinner.” This is a wise thing to do because every individual is created in the image of God and therefore has worth and value.

Hate is a communicable trait of God. The difference is, He is justified in acting on His hatred of sin because He is pure and holy. We, however, are not. When we feel hate, we need to work to resolve it without seeking justice. That we can leave in God’s capable hands. Easier said than done.

1 John 3:15 has strong words to say about hate. “Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him.” In this instance strong hatred toward another human is sin, especially when that turns into a rage that is acted on. We see this with crimes of passion where emotion drives someone to kill.

John is stating that you cannot be clinging to Jesus and having that kind of emotion inside you. This goes back to forgiveness which I talk about in my post on Why Murdering People is Wrong. This echoes the concept from love about action vs emotion. It’s a both/and kind of thing. Scripture instructs us to love those who hate us. Luke 6:27-28 states: “But I say to you who listen: Love your enemies, do what is good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

Hmmm, so we act in love regardles of emotion. When I was in my early 20’s and seeing a counselor, I dealt with some hate and my wise counselor told me to pray for the good of the person who had wronged me. Two things to note here: Anger was mixed in with hate because I had been wronged, and I needed to act regardless of my emotion. Interesting, huh? The more I prayed good for that person, in spite of my emotions, the less that emotion had a grip on me. Now that didn’t mean I wanted a relationship with that person, that is an entirely different topic. I didn’t need to hold on to hate.

There is a flip side. “If the world hates you, understand that it hated Me before it hated you.” (John 15:18). This is so crucial to those of us who are Christ-followers. I want people to like me and not everyone will because I am not everyone’s cup of tea. When there are people who hate me, I need to step back and evaluate.

  • Is it because I have wronged them? If so, I need to apologize for any transgression I have done, intentionally or unintentionally. Having said that, if they don’t inform me and I cannot discern what that perceived wrong is, I can either ask them about it (if it is safe to do so). If I can’t find out the reason, all I can do is pray for them. 
  • Is their hatred of me because of my faith in Jesus Christ? This is sometimes the case. Just because of my faith, someone may despise me, regardless of any personality quirks or choices I’ve made.
    • It helps to understand this because it is too easy to hate someone who has wounded me because of my faith. Oh, they may not claim that is the case but when I pray and evaluate things it might truly be the root of the issue. When I strive to make wise choices based on Scripture or stand for things that God stands for, then peopel will hate me. Jesus said so!
    • The reality is, while they may direct the hate towards me, it is really the Holy Triune God of the universe they have an issue with and I am the convenient target.
    • When I can seperate that out I can pray more effectively for the Holy Spirit to do the work of convicting that person of sin and unrighteousness (John 16:8). That conviction can lead to their salvation even if I never benefit from it.
    • This removes me from carrying the weight of someone hating me. They hate Jesus and I can go to Him with my pain, instead of retaliating, because the world hated him when He walked this earth and the world will hate Him now as the Holy Spirit indwells me.
    • Taking that step back and understanding this can help me let go of any resentment toward that person. I don’t need to hate them, inspite of slanderous words or harmful actions taken. This allows clear-headed thinking when needed because hatred and anger can cloud good judgement.

When we can step back from the emotion we can recognize that any person who we feel hatred for or who hates us, is someone who is hurting and in desperate need of Jesus. Forgiving them is key as well so we can let it go and leave that person in God’s capable hands. Funny how once again the way we think about something can impact our feelings. Jesus is the first and best cognitive behavioral therapist.

Hatred shoved down deep, poisons our relationship with God and others, and can have a harmful impact on our health as well. I’m not a doctor but the kind of stress this emotion created within can, long term, pose serious consequences to our health.

Stepping back a moment to my post last week on The Dangerous Moral High Ground, it is easy to develop hate at a person for holding to a position, or maybe due to cultural differences, or politics. It’s easy to slip into that. I suggest if this is the source of your hate, you might want to revisit that post. It’s not wise to paint all people with a wide brush and lable along with hating them. This can be hard when we see evil at play, even if it doesn’t impact us personally. We should hate evil. That is not a sin. But to hate the people who were created by God? Not healthy.

How have you dealt with hatred? Whether within yourself or on the receiving end from others? What has helped you to move past the grip of that emotion?

The dangerous emotion of hate has a step-brother I will look at next week: Ambivalence.

Author Confessions: We all have Blind Spots

Nov4
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: We all have Blind Spots

When my son was taking his driver’s test, he failed because he forgot to check his blind spots. Funny how technology helps with that now. My newer vehicle will flash a light on my door to let me know a car is coming up on that side. Even with that, if I were going to make a lane change I should still look to make sure there is no one sneaking up on me.

Personally, and as authors, we all have our blind spots. So do our characters.

The Johari Window is a visual way to consider just how open a person you are. We all have secrets and obviously with certain people we will be more open and vulnerable in sharing our inner world. Not everyone is a safe person to do this with  so caution is sometimes warranted, especially in newer relationships.

As you can see on the left there are four areas of our personal life. That which is open and people can see and we are willing to share with others – known you and the other person. The bottom left quadrent is hidden. You know those parts yourself but you haven’t shared them with others. The bottom right, unknown quadrant our inability to see all of our inner self. Of course, God sees and knows all of it whether we chose to be open with Him or not. Nothing is hidden from him. The fourth and final quadrant, the upper right, is the blind area. This is where you don’t know, but others do.

A fun example might be when someone points out you are wearing two different color socks. They saw it but you didn’t realize because you got dressed in the dark. they point out that blind spot to you and as a result the open area expands to the right.

When we are in a close relationship with someone there can be more sharing and the open box can grow as we share the hidden things of our heart with them and they point out our blind spots: errors, quirks, attitudes, mistakes, and maybe even sins or iniquities, the unintentional stuff that might offend someone without our realizing it.

When we are in a relationship that is safe, we can share our treasures, those thoughts, feelings, experiences that matter deepest to us and thus expand the open area. Someone who has been traumatized, might find the open area shrinks as they protect themselves from further abuse.

As an author, my characters need to have these four as well, although sometimes the writer might cue the reader in on the blind or unknown quadrants and forshadow that aha moment when the character is exposed to that new information.

I need safe people in my life to show me my blind spots.

Telling someone they are overweight is typically not helping someone with a blind spot, although I had a friend who revealed to me that she had no idea she had a weight problem before doctors told her she needed to do  something about it. Most people are aware of those kinds of things.

Someone who is angry might drive fast without realizing it. That blind spot might be revealed when they are pulled over and get a ticket.

Most blinds spots should be exposed gently if possible. I’ve done teaching and told people to please let me know privately if they see something offensive in me, so I can grow. In other words, be considerate in how you share my blind spot with me, but also, I’m giving you permission to share because I’m trusting that you will have my best interests at heart.

That’s a pretty bold statement.

Psalm 19:12 says “Who can discern his errors? Acquit me of hidden faults.” God sees it all the blind and unknown parts of us.

Job 13:23, asks: “How many iniquities and sins have I committed? Reveal to me my transgression and sin.”

We cannot grow if the Lord doesn’t show us where we need to grow. The truly hidden parts and the blind spots. Sometimes God uses human beings to help us with this.

Caution

Not every person who tells you about a blind spot or confronts you with what they perceive is sin in your life, is trustworthy or honest. Sometimes people will blame us for their own shortcomings. Other times they tell us things to stop us from God’s plan, possibly out of jealousy.

Response to Hard Criticism/Blind Spots

There are a few things I’ve done when I’ve gotten hard criticism that was something I hadn’t heard before. How can I tell if it’s really a blind spot?

  1. In the moment, I thank them for their feedback. Oh, this is difficult when the punch comes hard at you.
  2. If I’m not sure it’s true, I might ask them for specifics. Give me an example of what I did wrong.
  3. Pray about it.
  4. If I still can’t quite accept that this is true of myself, I might check it with a close friend. I’ve had people attribute things to me that I didn’t believe were true and sometimes a close confidant can shed light on why it might be that way. I didn’t actually do anything wrong, however, it might have been interpreted differently by that person. Sometimes people will assign motives to you that are simply untrue.
  5. If I really have erred and hurt someone via a blind spot, I apologize and ask the Holy Spirit to help me change.

Psalm 139:22-24 states: Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns. See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way. Ultimately any blind spot or perceived iniquities need to be brought to God. If it isn’t true than I can trust that God knows my heart and that is more important than anyone’s opinion. 

We all have blind spots and only someone arrogant or narcissitic will refuse to accept that truth. Trust me. I’ve met some of them. I’d rather let God help me grow by showing me those areas I’m unaware of. I may not know what I don’t know, but He can slowly reveal those things to me and I’m glad He doesn’t overwhelm me with my failings as that would be too much to bear. I’m grateful for a compassionate and loving God who loves me as I am but doesn’t let me stay there, but continues to grow me in  holiness through His Holy Spirit.

As an author, this is helpful as well as I see how soon a character might reveal secrets to another person. This is why the information dump in the first few pages is a poor choice, as the reader wants to get to know the character along with the others in the story and that is a process that takes time, but is worth the effort.

As an editor, when I see something an author is doing that isn’t the best, I assume it’s a blind spot and use it as a teaching moment as some have done for me along the way. Being light and not accusatory goes a long way to soothing the sting of an edit where they did something wrong but were unaware of it. We all have blind spots in our writing, partially because we love our stories so it be hard to be objective.

How about you? Have you been exposed to blind spots? How has that impacted you?

 

Author Confessions: Reaching One vs Many

Jul15
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Reaching One vs Many

As an author it would be lovely to have a best selling book. Except that how do you measure that? By overall sales? Well, that’s one way. My book Pesto and Potholes was offered for a week at an extremely discounted rate and it shot to number one on Amazon and stayed in the top ten that week for the catagory it was listed in. A friend asked me how it felt to be a “best-seller.”

Weird. Surreal.

It wasn’t real. The reality is most authors, this one included, do not make a liveable wage from writing books. Having said that, I’m doing fine. God has given me a calling and I’ve striven with His help to follow where He has led on this journey to publishing. He has provided for my physical needs. On paper, I make a small amount of taxable income but that is usually because I will not always include every deduction I possibly could when I file my  taxes. Too many losses when self-employed makes the IRS think it’s just a hobby.

Writing, for me, is not a hobby. As I said, it’s a calling. Sure it would be nice to have the accolades like other better-known, authors have. Oh, to have the income of a Richard Castle! Granted, he is fictional, but still, what a delightful fantasy to have that kind of financial resource to do whatever I wanted to do, go wherever I wanted to go, and live without any worry over investments, inflation or anything else. The only battle he had was against himself and writer’s block. And maybe his vanity? Or how about Jessica Fletcher in Murder She Wrote? Not so much living the high life but definitely not worried about her finances, although it seemed she found foul play around every corner. Not the kind of life I would want.

Oh, maybe I need to be writing murder mysteries? Or erotica. They do seem to sell well.

Nope. That’s not what God has called me to do. I write romance because the best romance is the one we have with our Savior. It’s real. It’s personal. It is life-changing. By His grace we have been given real-life love that reflects or mirrors that of our relationship to God.

I digress, but it was an important point.

The reality is, when I get to heaven, God isn’t going to ask about my book sales. He’s not even going to be worried about how many books or blog posts I’ve written. He will only be concerned with whether I accepted the free gift of salvation found only in Jesus Christ.

After that all the rest is a reward based on my obedience and the lives I influence for HIS glory while here on this planet.

That isn’t always reflected in book sales.

That might be the interaction I have at a craft fair with a young teen who loves to write. He or she may not even purchase my one of my books but I encouraged them to pursue their passion. If nothing else, good writing skills will always be an asset in any career field. It might be a friend I sit with to listen, love, and pray over. It might be the small group of people who meet in my home to study the work of another writer that encourages us to grow in our faith. It might be a student in a writing or theology class I’ve taught. None of which has anything to do with any book I’ve written.

None of that translates into book sales, does it?

I can do all the marketing, pay lots of money for ads, do interviews, and blog tours and it still might not make me or my publisher any more money. My books can be high quality without having a huge readership and income.

If one person’s life is helped. If they are encouraged in their faith or finally understand God’s love for the first time through a story God led me to write. That’s priceless.

The down side? That doesn’t help pay the bills for myself, my editor, publisher, cover artist, marketing person, or virtual assistant.

Maybe I’m not doing this marketing thing right. I’ve hired help and I’m working hard but I’ll admit to occassional discouragement when I see only two reviews on one of my favorite titles. Great reviews but I’m sure more than two people read that book. Reviews help others find great books. Sales also help. Even if you pick up my book at a church library or the public library, a review is sooo helpful to an author. Yes, it’s encouraging to know people love my stories. Reviews help other people find them as well.

I used to pay more attention to reviews and sales than I do now. They are not a reflection of my worth of value as a follower of Christ or an author, although some might make that corralation. Ultimely, I really won’t know the value or impact my words have had until I get to heaven.

In the meantime I’ll keep writing. I have learned over the years that it is the time spent with people, quality time, one-on-one, listening to their story, encouraging them, praying for them, that has greater eternal value. I’m not minimizing the hard work that I put in to writing and editing a novel or novella. It can be grueling at times. It takes discipline and saying no to other great things I might like to do. Reaching one vs many is the tension I live with but when the scales are off balance, I suspect it will always be in favor of the one.

Talking Love

Aug29
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Photo frame or gift card with valentines heart shaped ribbonYou would think the author of countless romance stories would find it easy to write one out of her own life. But it’s not.

Growing up, I would walk home and look up to heaven, spin around, and wonder if God was taking my picture. Did He care for my overly-sensitive, hurting and lonely heart? All a teacher had to do was look at me wrong and I’d burst into tears until sixth grade when I learned to hide my pain.

The sweetest love story is when, after years of sensing God’s call to me, I finally understood that I could respond. That he was waiting for me to do so! James 4:8 says “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. (NASB)” Really? He wasn’t some distant King high on a thrown beyond my reach. I first came to understand this at a Campus Life/Youth for Christ meeting.

For weeks I had begged some friends to let me come to a meeting. They seemed happy. They had something I didn’t. And they would go to concerts for groups like . . . Petra, who I had never heard of. Finally, I was invited and we had a conversation about misconceptions people had about Christianity. I was raised knowing about God and taught to fear Him, so I was fully engaged in the conversation. Then the biggest misconception hit me—that people didn’t understand that they could have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Whoa. Really?

I prayed right then and there and my entire world shifted.

I went out and bought a Bible and started devouring it. Opposition came but I clung to Christ. To a hurting, lonely fifteen-year-old, the fact that the God of the universe wanted me—Me?—was a huge revelation. When depression plagued me, I was told I was trying to manipulate people. The only reason I never attempted to take my life was because of the love of God.

Thirty-five years have brought me through many trials and triumphs, deep pains and sweet moments. God has been there by my side through all of it. I wish I could say that I’ve been as faithful to Him as He has been to me. It’s hard when people have wounded me deeply to trust the God who allowed it to happen. Yet I wouldn’t be here without Him. He’s led me, grown me, matured me . . . and I’ve learned that in Him I have more strength than I could ever have on my own. Some trials I look back on in wonder at how I was able to respond the way I did. That couldn’t have been me, could it?

Only God.

Through abuses, betrayals, heartache, He has been my constant. My one true love. When I write my romances my hope and prayer is that at some level the reader will understand the love of God that underlies the journey’s my characters take.

God is faithful. He has never abandoned me. The fact that He gives me the opportunity to put some of those experiences into my stories to bless others is just another example of His love for me.

Check out my contribution to Prism Book Group’s new Love Is series…

THE Baron's Blunder

The Baron’s Blunder
“Love does not delight in evil …” 1 Corinthians: 13:6

Fighting evil has been a hobby, but fending off marriage-minded debutantes—a chore.

Lord Charles Percy fends off a land pirate robbing a carriage in broad daylight. Noting he has rescued a beautiful debutante, he lies about his title claiming to be a mere mister.

The Honorable Henrietta Allendale isn’t convinced Mr. Percy is who he claims to be. But after he admits to one blunder can she ever truly trust what he says? Especially about the evil threatening her? Who is the Black Diamond anyway and why would he be after either of them?

One intrepid debutante and one bumbling Baron soon join forces to defeat evil. But to do so might mean they have to sacrifice the one thing they’ve each held as most important—their single status.

Can the truth set them free to love?

My Opinion of Literary Agents

Jun17
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Okay, so I hope I don’t get in trouble here. I”m going to tread lightly because the publishing community is not as big as you think it is and yes – editors and agents do talk and if you make a negative impression it can have a ripple effect!

Most authors would love a big publishing contract and an advance for the fabulous novel they have penned. Many of us know that either you need to get to a conference or send a ton of perfectly penned query letters.

So if you query an agent via email or snail mail, how are you going to know they are the right agent for you? I mean, sure, they need to love your work, but the fact is, at some point you may need to talk or even meet this exalted personage that would hold your career in his or her hands. Are you going to trust them based on a great blog?

Here’s my opinion having met some agents over the past year and having friendly (meaning I wasn’t pitching a book to them) conversations with them.

When you get an agent – YOU are hiring them. Yes, they have to decide to take the job and you need to make sure you hire someone who is going to do it well, but more important, I think, is: you need to like them. They need to support your goals and desires as an author.

Last year I pitched at some conferences and sure it would be nice to have an agent selling my remarkably brilliant books on my behalf. But I encountered the reality. Some agents are just not nice. Either that or it was a serious personality mismatch. Or maybe they were just having a REALLY bad day. One gave me a fake smile as she nodded her head and gave me her advice. It was obviously not a match for either of us. Another was worse. She wasted no time trashing my work (without reading a word of it) and telling me I would be better off self-pubbing because no one would want to buy it except in e-book form. (this was a non-fiction book proposal). The woman was snotty, condescending and my hackles (whatever those are) bristled with irritation.

Someone else contracted the book and I’m happy with that publisher. Up side – I don’t have to share my royalties with an agent.

I’ve met other agents who are not a fit for me with what they contract – but they are super people and if they did match up with what I write – I would be thrilled to work with them because they were genuine and interested in who I was as a person – aside from any book. I don’t expect an agent to be my best friend, but I would at least like them to “get” me and even, say, like me? I wouldn’t trust someone who couldn’t accept my quirky personality and that I couldn’t hold a civil conversation with.

Don’t let your pursuit of an agent lead you to jump where you don’t have some level of ease in relating with the individual. Sure, reputation is important, but this is a relationship that you hope will go on for  quite some time and you are paying that person to work for you. If they don’t really like you, can you expect they will do their best for you?

Do you have an agent? What do you think is key about that relationship? Are you looking for one? What has been your experience with the process so far?