Sometimes our wounds are more significant than we realize.
Let me explain. I’ve struggled with some spiritual inertia lately. Difficult chronic issues contribute, as well as some health stuff, but it dawned on me today that the real issue is that I have come to feel defeated in my walk with God.
But this is not from God.
It started with another person I looked up to and trusted. A person who repeatedly wounded me and I prayerfully confronted with much fear and trembling. A person who turned on me and lashed out in even more deeply painful ways.
It was not so much the fact that this happened but the fact that the things I had been devalued for by this person involved prayer.
Prayer. An intimate conversation with the Most High God.
And this individual left me feeling like a failure in this area.
So there’s a double whammy for me.
1) I tried to confront in love because God asked me to – and came away feeling beaten and bruised at the core of my being. My attempts to get help to confront again were not successful and I gave up because too much time passed for it to seem meaningful. This made it hard for me to go back to God because didn’t it all start with Him anyway?
2) I still feel inept.
Now this is all entirely ridiculous, isn’t it? I mean, who else should care about how well I communicate with God – except for – God!
And He knows my heart and my hurt and it was never His intention to open me up to such soul-searing pain as what I experienced at the words of this woman.
So I go back and try again – to sit at the feet of my Savior recognizing that it was not this individual, but Satan Himself using that person to derail my relationship with God.
Amazingly enough, God has continued to speak to me and lead me even when I’ve not been as faithful as I think I should be in coming to Him. Another dear friend has told me that she thinks I’m praying more than I realize. Pray without ceasing? In some ways I do that. Simple prayers from a simple servant heard by a gracious and abundant God.
And I’m grateful because He has never wasted any pain that I’ve endured from others who have sought to wound me. Ultimately He has taken what they meant for evil and used it for good.
So I will hold on and I will persevere because He is faithful and loving even if some people have not lived that out in the ways I expect. Chances are I’ve wounded a few on my path as well. I only hope and pray I can be humble when confronted and not hurt in return like I’ve been hurt.
How about you? What derails your relationship with God?