Tag Archive | desire

Author Confession: The Dangerous Emotion of Jealousy

Jan6
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confession: The Dangerous Emotion of Jealousy

Jealousy is another emotion we often downplay and don’t confront in others, much less ourselves. It’s a great tool in romance novels because jealousy can cause people to do things that create conflict and that’s always great for a story.

It’s not so good in real life. I’ve struggled with jealousy throughout my life. I’m sure you have to if you’re honest. It’s an emotion. Even God gets jealous but then He has good reason to be when His children seek worthless idols to distract them from a relationship with Him. We are all guilty of that. So when God is jealous and gets angry because of that jealousy, it is acceptable and not a sin.

For His created people, it is sin if we let ourselves simmer there. Jealousy is coveting what someone else has. The tenth commandment states: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife or his male servant or his female servant or his ox or his donkey or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” Exodus 20:17. Interesting that it does not disparage the desire for the gifts God has given us. Much like our Lord, we can be jealous for time with our spouse or children. As long as that emotion doesn’t lead us into sin.

I can drive around and admire homes without being jealous or wanting that particular home, or one like it. But if I am jealous and desire that home then I’m sinning because I am not content with what God has given me.

I’ve been jealous of other authors. Their successes. Their writing style. The big publishing contract. But I stop myself for a few reasons from dwelling there. Here’s why:

  • God gave them a unique voice and calling and to elevate theirs as superior is to denigrate the work HE has done in and through me.
  • Big book sales do not always equate to eternal impact. If I want to make money, I could write the stuff that really sells, but that is not what God has called me to do.
  • If I believe God has called and led me on the path I am on, it is wrong for me to compare that with the path He has someone else on.
  • I have no idea the sacrifices that person has made to get where they are. As most don’t know mine either.
  • If God blesses another author with a bigger sales and paycheck than myself and we are both being obedient to Him, then I should rejoice in His work because He knows the plans He has for all of us to use for His glory.

So how do I fight the tendency to jealousy? I stop and celebrate what God has done for that author. When it comes to Christian publishing, we are all on the same team! We don’t need to be competitive or one up another. That’s why I rejoined a writer’s group – so I could be a cheerleader and also be encouraged on my journey. I’ll admit sometimes I feel inferior no matter how many books I’ve written.

What about jealousy in other areas of life? We can elevate people based on outward appearances but we may not be aware of the dysfunction behind the scenes. Maybe a family looks great on the outside, perfect husband and wife and kids with no problems. At least for now. That you know of. Or someone with a great career, but again, we don’t know the sacrifices or maybe even the heartache that is going on deep inside. Good things come with a cost.

Being jealous is telling God that what He has given me isn’t good enough. It’s like the second son in the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) who is upset that the father never threw a party for him but gave one for the returning wastrel. Jesus told a parable about a master paying laborers the same even though some didn’t work as long. (Matthew 20:1-16) and likened this to the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus can distribute gifts through the Holy Spirit and blessings as HE sees fit and I have no right to be angry or jealous. My job is to honor and obey HIM and not seek other things, including a lucartive publishing contract or huge sales. If I submit to the Jesus and let the Holy Spirit reign in my heart and life than I have reward enough.

When I stand before the throne of God someday He is not going to ask me why my kids didn’t turn out as accomplished as someone else’s kids, or why my house wasn’t bigger or better, or cleaner! He’s not going to judge me on my BMI or the brand of clothing I wear. He won’t care how many people read this blog or how many books I wrote or sold, or how many people follow me on social media.

He will only care that I repented of my sins and put my faith in Jesus Christ alone.

There will be rewards for the obedience and forgiveness for my failures, even the ones I’m not aware of. That’s grace.

We all stand equal at the foot of the cross. It is a level playing field and the rest is smoke and mirrors. Where is my devotion? God is jealous for me to worship only Him not book sales. The dangerous emotion of jealousy can impact all of us in various ways. How do you deal with it?

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Lust

Nov25
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Lust

If you read last week’s post on the dangerous emotion of anger, great. If not, you might want to take read that because I don’t want to rehash everything here that applies to the dangerous emotion of lust. 

This issue was raised when I heard a teaching on Matthew 5:27-28  “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’;  but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Now I have no issue with Jesus’ words here but let us look at that a concept of lust. 

According to Strongs Concordance the Greek word for lust used here (1937 if you choose to look it up) is best translated “To set the heart upon, to long for.” This can be either good or bad. Vine’s Complete Expository Dictonary states: “Since in modern day English, the word ‘lust’ is used exclusively in a bad sense , it is unsuitable as a translation, where the word is used in a good sense.” Lust, generally speaking is merely a desire. It has no good or bad attached to it and is not sexual in nature. It is a neutral word whether looking at the noun or the verb form of it.

So to state that lust is catagorically a sin is not biblical. Now to desire someone sexually and want to do things with that person who is not your spouse, is adultery and like I stated before in my last post, is an issue of thoughts that influence that. This again becomes an issue of pride, believing that I have the right to demean another person by wanting something from them that is a violation of Scripture. Jesus is again using a cognitaive behavioral therapy here addressing the thoughts of desiring a woman sexually (or a woman desiring a man sexually) who either person is not married to, as sin. It starts in our thoughts before it becomes emotion. We sin in our thinking before we act on it.

Andy Stanley in his book Enemies of the Heart, has a chapter entitled: About Lust. He states: “When God created Adam and Eve, He also created the concept of one flesh. Every indication is that Adam strongly desired Eve, and Eve, Adam. With sex came lust. It was a package deal. So lust can be a good thing. … before sin there was lust. … When sin entered the world, everything was corrupted, including lust. It’s an appetite and it’s not going away. … Lust can be focused but not eliminated.” He goes on to say that lust is rarely the problem, but it’s usualy a heart issue regarding anger, guilt, greed, or jealousy.

Lust when considered as a strong sexual desire has its place in marriage. Desire like this draws a couple together but should only be satified when married, and only with one’s spouse. When my now husband and I were doing pre-marriage counseling the pastor, a long time friend of mine, asked, “Why get married so soon?” (we married six months after meeting). I responded “I want to have sex and won’t do that outside of marriage.” He laughed, and both men blushed. His response: “That’s a good reason.” The reality is, I should desire my husband and he should desire me! Isn’t that what the Song of Solomon is all about? Trying to reign in those desires to stay pure before marriage was difficult! We did it and are so glad we did.

I write romance novels and have taught about this when talking about inspirational romance. As an author I believe I am as accountable as any teacher or preacher by what I put on the page for others to read even if it is fiction. I want to acknowledge the real desire, even physical, that a person can have for another outside of marriage, without crossing into adultery.

Desire for sex is hard wired into us but can be influenced by hormones. I met with a woman for counseling who had an insatiable desire for sex and started watching porn. We discovered two things: there was an intimacy problem in the marriage and secondly, when she stopped that particular birth control, that intense desire went away. Sexual lust and the porn were signs of a deeper issue, and once those were addressed, she had no desire to watch porn. Having said that, some people have a lower desire for sex, or may even be asexual, not desiring it at all. For those who remain single, that is a blessing, not a curse and likely part of their chemical makeup.

We need to be careful of our words. The dangerouse emotion of lust is not bad. In and of itself it is not a sin, but how we think about what we desire can be and that’s where we again need to take our thoughts captive, and if you struggle with this, getting help or accountability can be good.