Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part III
If you haven’t read parts I and II you might want to read them before continuing here.
Even if people don’t change, we are commanded to forgive those who sin against us, whether they are unrepentant or not, does not mean that reconciliation is in order. I can forgive a woman from a church where I had been employed, who years ago verbally abused me to the degree that I returned to my apartment and sat curled up on the floor as if I’d been hit, and bawled my eyes out. Nothing she said was true and when I tried one more time to reconcile, I realized the unsolvable conundrum she had for me to prove I was repentant for the sins she stated I had done. The reality is, I was being gaslit. Had I made mistakes in our relationship? Yes. Had I worked through those things. Absolutely. It tooks months, lots of counseling, journalling, tears and seeking God. Because I was in a ministry position, I couldn’t share that pain with anyone else. When she was confronted by church leadership, she accused them and our pastor of horrible things as well. Her family left our church and I grieved. I grieved for unconfessed sin. I grieved that the gifts God had given her were taken from our church. And I grieved the future where another church, or person in leadership, would be faced with similar behaviors.
When I moved on in life, the lessons I learned reaped benefits in the ministries I engaged in. I was changed. Leadership in a church can be difficult and people will find fault. I developed skills to help me deal with that but it was still painful, especially when there were lies someone said about me. Over time, in every situation, I was vindicated. God proved me to be faithful and true as I followed Him. Notice I didn’t say perfect. I’m a long way from that.
Can people change? I would hope that woman had. I still bear emotional scars and would be hesitatant to trust someone like that again. I won’t name names, but it seems that every woman I’ve met with her first name have been unsafe for me. I gave them all a chance and every one proved to be similar! I’m learning to trust the Holy Spirit within me. If someone is making me feel uneasy, before, during, or after time spent with them, I have learned to stop questioning why and avoid those people. Can those people change? I would hope so. I don’t believe God has called me to be the means by which He does it, since He tells me to stay away.
It takes a long time to develop that and I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to be liked. Don’t we all? But I can’t sacrifice myself and expose myself to abuse if the Spirit leads me away from someone.
Life is hard. It is filled with challenges that are painful. If we allow God to work, He can mold us more and more into the character of His Son, Jesus. It is our choice. He doesn’t force it on us.
Can people change? Maybe. Perhaps it would be better to pray, “God, will you change me?”