Tag Archive | grief

Author Confessions: Anniversary Reactions

Nov24
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Anniversary Reactions

Today will be twenty-two years since I learned I had lost a baby I was carrying. My third child. I have it marked on my calendar but sometimes I get close to Thanksgiving and forget–except my brain and body doesn’t. I can be moody and sad without realizing it. This year the date falls on a Monday which was the day I found out. The Monday before Thanksgiving.

The same happens with other significant losses. Moods will emerge that surprise me, which is why I keep those things on my calendar every year just as I do birthdays and anniversaries. Those are about others–grief is about me.

Having said that, and understanding anniversary reactions, I try to be there for my mom on at least two of those significant days. On Valentine’s day I try to take her out for breakfast or lunch because that was the day my father proposed to her.

Today I wanted to remind myself, and perhaps you, that we are heading into a season where many people are facing difficult anniversaries. Holidays rip open the coping scar that develops over our deepest losses. That empty chair, the memories of the past meals or holiday celebrations that can only be revisited in our minds, like an old-fashioned black-and-white movie where everyone was younger and happy before the brutality of life intruded.

All that to say, be kind to yourself during this season of celebration, pay attention to those anniversary reactions. You can’t plan for them but you can be aware. Be kind to others, realizing there might grief underying the smiles of those around you. Sometimes they might not even realize why they are having a hard time. Not everyone realizes they might be having an anniversary reaction.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving week. I pray you find consolation with people you love, family or not, and even if you can’t, praise God for the good gifts He has given and His constant presences and faithfulness.

Author Confessions: Smiling Depression

Oct6
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Smiling Depression

I haven’t written about depression for some time and for those who don’t deal with it, it can be hard to explain how it can hit for no particular reason.

When a doctor first suggested I had depression, I told her I didn’t. I decided to make a chart with a line in the center and for a month marked my moods for the day above the line (happy) or  below (sad) or maybe even right on the line – neither. When I finished I returned to my doctor and agreed to try medication. Medication helped a lot.

When I told my pastor who was also my boss at the time, he said, “Nah, you don’t have depression.” And many people who would know me would be surprised because I don’t go moping around.

A depressed person may not appear depressed. We’ve learned over time that many people don’t care if you’re down and we  can’t always explain why. Instead we smile.

Circumstances can lead to depression. When your car dies, and you lose your job and the rent is due, that helplessness can become depression. When the situations resolve themselves the depression eases.

Getting stuck in grief is a complicated thing because depression, and all kind of emotions swirl around with memories, regrets, and helplessness. We can’t bring that person back. The loss can be deep and hard to move past. However, that sadness doesn’t need to stay all-consuming although it can sure mess us up for a while.

Depression is not caused by a lack of faith, however, willful, sinful choices can result in depression as inside we know these things are a violation of God’s plan for us. Confessing our sin to God (and others when appropriate) and changing our ways can help. We have a gracious and forgiving God.

Smiling depression is more covert. A smile covers the interior. That is hard to fix if one doesn’t have a compassionate, understanding person willing to listen and validate the pain. To encourage–not fix. Medication and therapy can help. Even with a degree in counseling and life going generally well, I still see my therapist on a regular basis. I’m not fond of the copays but it is an investment in myself and helps in all areas of my life. Depression, anxiety, stress can contribute to other health issues so talking with someone who knows me and can encourage or help me see things differently, helps.

When I’m depressed I write in my journal. I pray. I try to sing. I hug my dog a little tighter (he’s not a fan of that but he puts up with me!). I acknowledge the depression (even if only to myself and God) and try to not let myself simmer and stew in it. I give myself permission to cry. Making plans to be with others even if I’d rather curl up and sleep, helps too. Helping someone, listening to them, can also help. I’ve learned that when depression hits, I am not without tools to help me get through the darkness.

Of course, that depends on how dark it is.

I stay in God’s word daily to help me keep focused on the One who loves me. I love the Psalms because David went through periods of depression too and poured out his heart and helplessness to the One who created and called him. He often turned to praising that very same God who walks through the darkeness with us.

Depression can hit from any angle and sadness doesn’t need to stay forever. I remind myself of this truth: This too shall pass.

When I was free from an destructive marriage, many people came up to me and told me that I looked happier. Stress, helplessness, depression, all dimmed that smile but it wasn’t noticeable until those things had passed. Only those who know me really well can tell when the smile doesn’t reach my eyes.

Some people struggle much worse than I do, but the reality is, we all struggle with things at times and those burdens are not always shared online. Sometimes the most devestating ones are, or the high points. The reality is, most of us live somewhere in between. Be kind to everyone as often as you can, because you simply don’t know what they’re going through behind the smile.

 

Author Confessions: We All Get Stuck

Jul1
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: We All Get Stuck

I remember a pastor asking me once how he could help hurting people. I told him that primarily people need to talk and he needs to listen, offer compassion, and maybe resources when appropriate.

That’s a very simplified look at counseling, yet sometimes it is the simplest things that can make a difference when we are helping someone, especially those stuck while dealing with difficult emotions like grief, anger, abandonment, betrayal… through death, divorce, abuse, neglect, or when someone close turns their back on you whether a friend, spouse, or adult child.

Complicated and strong emotions can be a challenge to deal with. You’ve probably gathered that from my various Dangerous Emotions posts.

Someone recently begged me to provide some simple things they could try to help someone who was stuck due to a traumatic loss. He was grateful for the help and figured maybe some of that could be helpful to you as well as you come across people who are hurting. Many of my books in my Orchard Hill Series look at aspects of this too, especially Pesto and Potholes.

You Can’t Understand

Even if you have gone through a similar situation: abuse, divorce, church hurt, loss of someone close, you can tell them you you can’t understand what they are going through. Every situation and person is different and the emotional fallout they experience will be unique. Even if you haven’t experienced it, you can tell them it hurts you to see him hurting. You don’t know what to do, which leaves you feeling helpless and frustrated.

o   Another way to say that might be: “(Name), when you repeatedly talk about _____________, I feel helpless and sad because I don’t know how to help you.” It’s not blaming the person, but acknowledging their pain while sharing your own feelings and desire to offer comfort.

o   You can acknowledge that the individual has trauma from all this and even suggest trauma therapy, or just regular therapy. Their church might be able to recommend someone. There are therapists online as well making it more convenient. It can be a suggestion and it is up to them to decide if they want to follow through.

Point out the Positive

God is always at work even in the difficulties of life. If you can, tell the person where you’ve seen growth or improvement in their life. It can be small. “I know you’re hurting but you got up today and even agreed to meet with me. That’s a win.”  Even if they seem stuck, help them see where they might be making strides forward even if it is three steps forward two steps back. They are moving. Try to remind them of the positives wherever you can. When dark emotions are clouding everything else they might not be able to see the positive.

o   Even as they are moving forward in so many ways, it is OK to point out they may still be acting helpless when it comes to the aftermath of situation with the various emotions they might be strugglign with like:  betrayal, abandonment, viciousness, and grief.

o   Avoid comments like: “I know how you feel,” or “God has a plan,” or “We all go through hard times,” or “Someday you will be able to see what God was doing.” While there might be truth in many of those statements they are not helpful when someone is spinning in emotional circles. They don’t care about the future right now or God’s plan. Pain can overwhelm all of that and it will come across as insensitive. Don’t put on a band aid where a tourniquet is required. Don’t brush off emotions as unimportant or that they should just, “Get over it already.”

Remind them of the Whatevers

Scripture tells us to focus on: “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is anything excellent or praiseworthy, let your mind dwell on these things. (Phil 4:8 NASB). I’ve even used this in some of my books. In psychology it is called reframing.

o   Example: When my car broke down when my kid were little, in the middle of a busy highway at night, and we needed to be towed, in the van, up on to the back of the tow truck platform, I could tell my kids were a bit scared. I told them “We’re having an adventure!” I must have used that too often for them because my daughter, in her car seat said, “I think we’ve had too many adventures.” LOL!

o   Anyway, if they say something like, “I don’t know what I did wrong,” You could respond with something like, “We all do things wrong in relationships, however, what did you do right? Maybe you weren’t perfect, no one is. Then focus again on the positive by pointing out positive virtues you see in them. Did they put on clean clothes? Do their hair? Even simple tasks like that can be challenging when emotions are overwhelming. Acknowledge the small wins but dont’ be patronizing.

o  One man I know used to say often, “I must be a bad man.” I had to remind him that while he is not perfect, and made mistakes, he is a good man with a kind and generous heart and not everyone can see that if they are fed lies and holding on to anger and resentment. Those lies do not need to become his truth. God sees and understands the truth behind all those things, and we can trust HIM to be the judge and take care of those who hate us or try to undermine us.

They May Not be the True Target

Sometimes what people are really opposed to isn’t us – it’s the God we are seeking to serve. As people draw closer to God then thedivide in a relationshiop can become greater. Especially for victims who have been abused and try to leave, it is the most dangerous time, even if they were never physically attacked before it could happen then. When we follow Jesus and make our life choices as He leads us some people will take issue with that and they might even claim truth from God to get you to do their will.

Much the vitriol people can spew out is more about Jesus than it was about a the person.  Just being around someone who is (imperfectly) seeking a godly path can feel like the Holy Spirit is poking someone who isn’t. One work of the Holy Spirit in this world is to convict people of sin and unrighteousness. That can make it uncomfortable for those who are walking away from Him and intentionally choosing a sinful path.

We all get stuck. I’ve been stuck and in hindsight I wish someone would have gently listened and then helped me see more and more the victim I had become. I felt hopelessly stuck but eventually God led me to resources that challenged me to change. That realization that I had slid into that kind of position was hard to swallow. Devestating actually. Thankfully between God, a wise therapist, and amazing friends who listened and loved me,  I was able to see God mature me, change me, and eventually leave that situation. God was with me every step of the way. We all get stuck but the good news is God never abandons us. Keep seeking Him. The LORD brings people with skin on to help us take steps towards healing and freedom.

I hope this helps when you find someone, perhaps close to you, who is struggling. We all get stuck at some point or another, so offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and love.

If you think I’m giving schmaltz that ignores blatant sin… stay tuned for next week.

 

Author Confessions: Mother’s Day Thoughts

May12
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: Mother’s Day Thoughts

It is the day after Mother’s Day and I’m not sure, if you are a woman, how it went for you. I’m writing this before the day so my mind is mulling this around.

Mother’s Day Fiction?

How does this relate to fiction? How often, in reading a book, do you find this day on the calendar entioned? Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fourth of July, maybe, but other holidays don’t get much attention, including Resurrection Sunday/Easter.

Mother’s Day can be a mixture of so many emotions, and not a comfortable one to explore in a story meant to entertain so the holiday is likely not to feature in a story.

Mother’s Day

Maybe Mother’s Day has more to do with fiction when I first thought of writing this. The cards in the stores and the push for gifts all make it seem to promote a fiction over things that are not true.

  1. All Mothers are happy
  2. All mothers are wonderful and perfect
  3. All children want to honor their mother

I’m sure there could be more lies out there but let’s look at these specifically.

All Mothers are Happy

Motherhood is a difficult job and whether a mom has a job other than the full time mothering or not, it is a difficult, exhausting job. Any mom who acts like it is all sunshine and roses is lying. Most moms struggle to do well and many fear they are failing. There are so many opposing positions that make it difficult to make choices for fear of being maligned for those choices. Add marital challenges, finanical struggles, behavioral issues, a variety of personalities with some clashing (especially if the child is a lot like you!), discpline challenges, possible health issues (mental, emotional, or physical), and then the spiritual challenges if you are trying to raise your child in the Christian faith. There is not any one perfect way to handle any of these. Add the residual grief from children lost due to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other reason that might result in a child dying, there can be deep sorrow that never leaves.

This doesn’t meant there isn’t great joy in being a mother. I still remember how tired I was with my second child. I timed how much of my day was spent nursing him and it was eight hours! He was a lazy feeder but such a snuggler! While I struggled with being forced to sit, rock and feed my little sweetie, I also miss those days when he would snuggle in. There is joy in seeing child grow up and find his or her way. It can also be a grief when they struggle to be an adult and you need to step back and allow them the freedom to fail.

Children can choose to reject a mom as well. No matter how much a mom gave of time, love, attention and yes, sacrifice, a child can grow up and decide you weren’t good enough to be respected, honored, or remembered. Maybe they’ve been lied to by someone else. If that was an especially difficult child, there is a silver lining in not needing to deal with the drama and stress that person might bring with them.

When my kids were little, my oldest child drew a picture of me and he saw me as angry. I realized I wasn’t regulating my emotions and stresses well around my children who I was with all the time. I worked hard on that and when my second child was in grade school he wrote that his mom was always happy. Maybe I went too far? I had to tell him that I do have sad moments too, but those are not burdens for a child to carry so I tried to be happy and encouraging around them regardless of the worries and burdens I carried inside.

All Mothers Are Wonderful and Perfect 

This is an outright lie but the truth is, the majority of moms really try hard to do the best they can and yet we all fail at some point. We lose our temper, or fail to discpline as well as we should. Or struggle to understand an unusual personality that is so different from ourselves that we struggle to parent.

These issues don’t resolve when the child leaves home either. We all make mistakes and have expectations or desires that are not necessarily going to be fulfilled. It should be my kids seeking to connect. Will they? I write this before the day but my expectations are low because I realize how much I failed to do so with my own mother when I was their ages.

I honored my mom before the day because her plans will keep us apart on Mother’s Day.

All Children Want to Honor their Mother

As I mentioned, not all kids are clued in to this. Perhaps it was not modeled or encouraged by their father. That is the case from my own family. While I encouraged them to honor their dad, it was never reciprocated. Without a tradition or history of doing this, how is a young adult going to even remember that the day exists when they are busy working and paying their own bills?

From a child’s perspective (even they are now an adult), if that parent was abusive in any way, it can be hard to want to honor them or even recognize them any day, much less on Mother’s Day. With an un unhealthy mom, sometimes it is healthier to keep a distance and no contact.  However, a child can still honor her in his prayers and by not fostering anger and bitterness.

Mothers Day Is Complicated

We all have a mother, whether they are still alive or not, whether they are safe or not, whether they are in our lives or not.

What about those who decided they didn’t want ot be moms because it was inconvenient and aborted a child? There is deep sorrow that goes with that whether they recognize it or not. Every Mother’s Day there will be a shadow of the child that could have been.

Some would idolize Jesus’s mom, Mary, but she was as human and fallible as any of us. She too, was human, imperfect, and I’m sure she failed time and again in trying to raise the Son of God to adulthood. She was chosen for a task. God chooses every mom to be a mother to the children He decides to place in their lives, for however long He chooses. They are ultimately His and we may only have them for a short time.

We need to be careful not to idolize moms no matter how wonderful they can be, because a mom can only be wonderful if she’s leaning on our Savior Jesus to do the difficult task we’ve been called to. God gives us grace for the hard times and forgiveness for our mistakes. We can only hope and pray that our children will do likewise.

Happy Belated Mother’s Day. No matter what sorrows or joy you experience, any mom was called by God to do this job which is one of the hardest on earth. Cling to Him with all the good and bad, the successes and failures, and rest in Him. God loves you, Mom.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Abandonment

Apr14
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Abandonment

Since I wrote about betrayal last week, let’s consider a sister to it: Abandonment. Abandonment is another one of those lousy emotions that can truly wound someone who trusted in an unworthy person.

The first image that comes to mind is that of a dog. We’ve probably all seen pictures of abandonded dogs. I had one rescue who had been found abandoned on a street in Texas. He was pretty old but we’re not sure how old, and he was potty trained. Cooper was a little larger than your average Lhasa Apso and was sweet and playful. He did well with our other senior dog but became the best dog when he was the only dog. Not sure why anyone would have abandoned him, I believe our love helped him forget.

Dogs can recover from abandonment fairly easily if they weren’t also abused. Obviously, Cooper was in good health and well-behaved and bonded quickly with us. You can see his joy in one of my favorite photos of him. We miss him.

Abandonment can be both emotional and physical. With dogs, it’s usually physical. But in relationships, even in a marriage, it can be emotional if one has detatched from the relationship.

The new term is probably “ghosting.” That’s when someone cuts off communication without warning. That is still abandonment if there had been some trust established. Now, in the instance of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse, no contact is a good rule to follow. However, if that is not the case it is an easy way out for one person but could be devestating for someone else.

People with Borderline Personality Disorders often have a deep fear of abandonment which can lead to them being difficult and clingy and sometimes irrationally demanding. They have a host of other issues that are combined with this, but it is an extreme that can make it hard to reciprocate a relationship. That would the dangerous part.

Healthy relationships should be reciprocal. Give and take. Not by a tally system of who owes who what, but a generosity of spirit and trust. When that is broken and the relationship suddenly ended, it can be a deep wound for the one left behind, whether it is a child or adult.

Betrayal can accompany abandonment as can be experienced in some divorces that surprise a spouse. That can leave deep wounds if they had no idea the marriage was in trouble. Or if the instigator is leaving for another person. Ouch.

Abandonment at it’s core, hurts our ability to trust another person. In milder cases, it can be a tool that helps an individual to be more choosy in who they trust and invest their time and emotion into. The dangerous extremes are when someone refuses to bond with another person ever again, or even worse, becomes so clingy they perpetuate the cycle.

The individuals that have the hardest time recovering from these wounds are children. Foster care to adoption can be a wonderful healing process but it can take a long time to learn they are worthy of love.

Abandonment can lead to self hate if the individual left behind decides it was all their fault. Of course, when any relationship ends, it is good to assess what went wrong and where you might want to change your choices of actions and words for the future. However, to pour on yourself a heap of hatred and full-blame, is never healthy.

With the dangerous emotion of abandonment, I’m going back to dogs. Learning to trust again can happen in spite of abandonment with the help of therapy. Remember, a good counselor can help or good friends to help one process the loss. I remember at the end of my first marriage someone saying to me. “Just because he couldn’t love you, doesn’t mean you’re not loveable.” All these years later I remember those powerful words. Eventually, I found someone who loved me just as I was, imperfect but perfect for him. I was (and continue to be) blessed with constant reminders of how much I’m loved. Trust was easy to build and he’s needed some of those same messages from me.

The words from the Old Testament, in Deuteronomy 31:6 should offer comfort to anyone who has experienced abandonment. “Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them. For it is the Lord your God who goes with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. (HCSB)” God will never abandon those who trust in Him.

The dangerousness in the emotion of abandonment is when the person fails to process and learn from the end of a relationship and develop a wisdom with whom to trust in the future. That can take time. I would also suggest that if you do need to end a relationship, even if the person has been horrible, it is better to let them know in some way, even if it needs to be by text or email if they are toxic, than to just ghost them.

How have you coped with the dangerous emotion of abandondment or where have you seen it leave deep wounds?

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Betrayal

Apr7
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Betrayal

I was talking to someone the other day who had suffered trauma as a result of the unexpected actions of a former spouse. He was discussing this and I finally said, “I think what you are trying to describe is betrayal.”

It was like a sucker punch to him. Naming our emotions and realizing how they truly impact us, can be difficult and painful, but it is also important.

The word betray isn’t in Scripture too often, it is referenced in repeatedly in relation to one person: Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus.

Jesus was suffering from a variety of emotions before He was betrayed, arrested and tortured. I would suspect that even though he understood this was going to happen, it was a deep cut to His soul that someone he had trusted and poured into for three years would do this. It was essential for God’s purposes to be fulfilled but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

Betrayal can wound us deeply but like many emotions, it is more dangerous when it is unacknowledged. When we can name the emotion and feel the pain, although gut-wrenching, we can then move past the “victim” stage and move on into a new life without that person.

Betrayal that is buried and not properly grieved, because it signifies the death of a relationship, can twist a person up inside and lead to self-doubt, self-recriminations, victimhood, paralysis, and self-abasement. The danger in betrayal, whether buried or acknowledged, is the desire for justice and retaliation. God says He will vindicate those who harm us. David wrote: “Vindicate me, God, and defend my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from the deceitful and unjust man. For You are the God of my refuge. (Psalm 45:1a HCSB)”

It is entirely possible that the betrayal isn’t truly about the individual betrayed, but what they stand for: Jesus. He said to His disciples in John 15:18-19: “If the world hates you, understand that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own. However, because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of it, the world hates you.”

Betrayal is a unique wounding not only because it signifies the loss of a relationship, but also a loss of trust one had in at least one individual. We are to be wise in who we trust, and betrayal calls into question our judgement. We are to always trust God who will never betray us. We may have been blind to the evil in that person but we should be glad we discovered it. While the level of betrayal can vary, the injury is the same. We need to be careful in the future then of who we trust in and might need counseling to learn perhaps the signs of people who are not safe for us to be in relationship with.

If someone betrays someone else, take that as a red flag and do not trust them. Just like with gossip (which is a verbal betrayal), or adultery (a sexual betrayal), or personal theft (a financial betrayal), if someone is willing to do that about someone else, be assured they might do it to you. Beware of those people. Paul gives this warning to Timothy:

For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, without love for what is good, traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to the form of godliness but denying its power. Avoid these people! (1 Tim 3:2-5)

Betrayal of you, if you are a follower of God, is also a betrayal of the Lord Who called you to be His follower. It is always wise to search inside for any hidden sin that might have contributed to that but the offender is responsible for his or her own actions before God.

Betrayal buried or denied can lead to more pain in the long run. It can lead to an individual being stuck helpless as a victim instead of moving past this horrific event to mature and become wiser, to rise above as a victor. Betrayal acknowledged and our pain submitted to God, can be a turning point for us in growing in wisdom and trust in the God who will never betray those who are truly His and seeking His face.

Can a relationship be redeemed after betrayal? Anything is possible with God but that doesn’t mean that the victim in this situation returns as if nothing ever happened. We are commanded to forgive, even if there is no apology or reconciliation but that does not equate to a relationship. Trust needs to be earned over time and the person who was offended has every right to put limits and conditions and be cautious with the level of trust given to the offender. That is not a lack of forgiveness but an act of wisdom and protection.

Final note. Just because someone sets limits on your relationship doesn’t equal betrayal. It may have more to do with them than it does with you. Respect the boundary and if they have cut back on trust, reciprocation is possibly wise. Sometimes we need again to check ourselves to make sure our actions haven’t unwittingly precipitated that boundary, and maybe we have some growing to do as a result. If you find yourself betrayed by a boundary, and angry at that, it says more about you, than it does about them.

Have you been betrayed? How have you recovered from that? It can leave deep wounds that time, prayer, discussing it with a trusted friend or therapist, can help with. Grieve the loss, forgive the person, and move forward with your life. The dangerous emotion of betrayal doesn’t have to define us forever. God never wastes our pain.

Author Confessions: Secondary Losses

Mar31
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Secondary Losses

Since I wrote about secondary gains last week I figured it was time for secondary losses.

These are the things that can accompany a significant loss.

For instance, when a person is widowed, they lose their spouse, the person most important to them in the world. However, they might also lose some relationships who are couples that the man and wife used to connect with. They might lose financial security that spouse provided. The might lose a caregiver if that was a role the deceased spouse took in the relationship. That is a secondary loss. Relationships change. Their entire life is changed. That is why they often suggest a widow or widower not sell their house that first year because they are too vulnerable and might be taken advantage of. Eventually the memories can become a comfort instead of a reminder of deep pain.

A child of a deceased parent might also suffer secondary losses: the lack of time they had hoped to experience things with that individual, the lack of opportunity to learn from them, and in many instances, the lack of time to restore a broken relationship.

This is also true of divorce where people feel they need to choose sides. There a financial loss but they may lose their home, financial stability, relationships with their children (depending on age and who gets primary placement), friendships, and the connection they may have had with the ex’s family. Divorce is always painful and difficult but it also has gains as well: freedom to heal if there was abuse.

Losing a baby due to miscarriage is a horrible thing to live through, but it is more the loss of the hopes and dreams that were held by the parent that makes the grief more difficult to bear.

Losing an infant or an older child is equally gut-wrenching. The secondary losses though are the change in the home missing that individual, the change in relationships as everyone goes through the grieving process but everyone’s grief is unique, and also the loss of all the hopes and dreams that parent had for that child, including the death of the dreams that child had for him or herself.

When a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness, there is the looming loss for that individual as well as the family. But there are other losses as well: hopes and dreams of growing old together, perhaps missing significant events they looked forward to (a child or grandchild’s graduation or wedding), financial stability as medical bills take their toll, the inability for the relationship to be as reciprocal, the distancing of some who don’t know how to deal with it. That’s just a few possible secondary losses.

A friend got help for her husband with dementia as she could no longer care for him at home. Loss – dementia. Gain – help and a safe place to live. Secondary loss – her housing told her that since there were no longer two people in that residence, she would need to move.

Often times we can take changes in stride but it is worth acknowledging the complexity. When someone suffers a loss, whether yourself or someone else, keep in mind that there is more than one thing they are losing.

An individual who has suffered trauma, loses perhaps even the control of when that will hit them again. They might lose their innocence. They might become helpless in the face of strong physical or emotional pain. It is easy to stay hidden from the world to avoid that, but ultimately that produces even more losses. It is exciting that there are now more trauma-centered therapies that can help people process through that. The trauma will probably never go away, but the individual’s ability to live a life in spite of that will greatly improve which can come with many gains. (I explore that in the book: Operation: Skirmish)

With secondary gains, there is an incentive emotionally for an individual to remain stuck. This could happen with losses as well as getting attention for that loss can keep an individual stuck in their grief. Telling them to “get over it and move on,” will only cause them to dig in deeper to that victim mentality.

What about when something good happens? Major life changes do not happen in a vacuum.

A man gets a promotion with great insurance and benefits. That might result in loss of the relationships he’d developed in his current position. If it involves a move, the entire family, while gaining more financial security, might lose the connections they had at work, school, or church.

We so often focus on one thing, but any significant change in our lives has a ripple effect and some of that is positive and some of it is sad.

The birth of a child is a wonderful thing but it comes with a loss as well, loss of freedom, sleep, space, and finances. It also changes the marriage (if the parents are together) for better or worse.

No matter what we face in life, we have an opportunity to feel all the emotions but even if we need help with that, we can move past it and avoid the victim mentality.

Where have you perhaps overlooked secondary losses in your life? What secondary losses surprised you?

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Grief

Feb17
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Grief

I mentioned last week in my post on the dangerous emotion of love that those who love deeply, feeling a depth of affection for someone, grieve deeply.

Grief, as opposed to love, is that not so good feeling that can weigh us down. It can combine regrets, anger, and even in some cases relief.

Relief? When there is a long illness and a lot of medical issues, doctor appointments, bills, or difficult decisions, then the end of those challenges along with the end of the suffering of a person we love, can result in relief. We still grieve as we miss them terribly but then wishing them to remain while in such depths of suffering is ultimately selfish, isn’t it? Not that we want to hasten death, but when it finally comes it is almost a welcome end for that individual who has suffered. And for those who suffered alongside them.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross defined five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are not necessarily linear going in order, nor do they have a time frame. The dangerous part is when someone gets stuck in the first four parts. Even with acceptance there is sorrow, sometimes deep gut-wrenching sorrow, but the individual can resume life without that person even though they will forever be missed and remembered. If you or someone you know is struggling with grief,  Grief Share is a powerful  ministry that helps people process their grief and loss so that they can move forward in life.

We can grieve more than just the death of an individual whether it be a spouse, child, grandparent, friend… We can grieve lost dreams, a pet, our health, a home, a break-up of a relationship that was dear to us, painful trauma from the past, the loss of innocence, and even our own sin. 2 Corinthians 7:10 states: “For godly grief produces a repentance not to be regretted and leading to salvation, but worldly grief produces death.”

Grief is a healthy emotion when we allow ourselves to express that through tears and talking about memories or regrets. It becomes dangerous when we try to numb the grief with alcohol, drugs, food, or sex, or perhaps something else. They are only temporary bandaids. Grief might expose other issues that need to be deal with like family-of-origin issues, abandonment, and coming to terms with our own mortality.

Grief can be held on to almost as a comfort as one might forget the person lost, or fear they will be dishonoring them by moving on with life. Choosing to be a victim of grief can be deblitating socially as well as emotionally, especially if the person was perhaps co-dependent on the one now gone. It can deeply wound a sense of identity and that may require counseling to wrestle through and define a new way of moving forward in life.

Grief can be dangerous when accompanied by trauma as well. Again, therpy, especially trauma-based therapy, might prove helpful.

Grief is complex and I am only giving a cursory glance at it here. If it is something you or someone you know are struggling with, get connected wtih Grief Share or a therapist who can help you move forward.

Those who have faith in Jesus will still grieve. Even Jesus wept at Lazarus’s grave, but was that for Lazarus or for those surrounding him who were grieving because they failed to see the Savior in their midst? 1 Thessalonians 4:13 states: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope.”

Whether we lose a person, a relationship or anything else, if we get stuck in grief we are failing to look to the Creator and Sustainer of life Who is always orchestrating everything according to His perfect will. Our suffering is temporary and no loss is without a greater purpose in His plans for us. 2 Corinthians 1:4 states: “He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” Now I confess that when I was in deeply painful situation that verse did not offer me comfort. Having said that, I have seen God use others and myself move past grief to purpose and multiple opportunities to be there to support others as they go through suffering.

Grief is a healthy emotion when expressed and worked through, often with some help and comfort from others. There is hope for those who walk with Jesus as the Holy Spirit is a comforter to us in our sorrows. The dangerous emotion of grief occurs when an individual gets stuck there, stuffs their emotions down, or self-medicates to forget. How have you dealt with grief? Have you struggled with this? What helped you most?

I explored the dangerous emotion of grief in my book Bratwurst and Bridges. 

Oliver’s Opinion: Making Christmas Again (Book Review)

Nov15
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Oliver here! I’m so excited for Christmas because last year I was too small and in an Amish puppy mill so I didn’t understand all the colorful lights and the tree and gifts! That’s why reading Penelope Marzec’s book Making Christmas Again is compelling, because sometimes Christmas just doesn’t feel like Christmas. Have you ever experienced that? Obviously I did last year as no one even told me there was such a thing.

Celeste has a lot going on. Her mother died so she’s gotta leave a challenging job situation to go home to settle affairs. She’s the only remaining person in her family which is terribly sad. She also had broken up with a menacing boyfriend/boss and had uncovered his embezzlement and was a whistleblower, only her employer doesn’t realize this yet. She also left her mother’s faith behind her, focusing more on numbers than the intangible.

She arrives home to find someone living in her mother’s basement. Make that two someones! I’d be barking my head off! Especially since one is a little boy whom I would love to play with. This little boy has Down Syndrome which her deceased sister also had, so now she’s missing her mom and her sister and there’s a snowstorm.

Sawyer is the father to this precious little soul and is also grieving Mrs. Greenfield’s death as she had been so helpful to him with his son after his wife died and had encouraged him in his business, even renting her basement space for his work. Celeste hadn’t been told. Now he has a new landlord who can’t see past her own grief and challenges to trust, much less celebrate the faith her mother held dear.

Death, upheaval, an extra chromosome, snow, and other challenges face these two characters as they find their way through each day to understanding each other and maybe even falling in love. But will Celeste stay in town or will she return to her employer leaving Sawyer’s heart broken?

Through all the twists and turns, challenges, and snowstorms, these two people might find a miracle yet and Christmas might once again be cherished and celebrated.

Mom loves Penelope’s writing so you should give her a try if you haven’t before. Buy Making Christmas Again. I give it five bones because I’m a dog. Oh, and leave her a nice review after you’ve read it, it really does help an author out.

Author Confessions: Author Pets

Oct14
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Author Pets

One of my fave pics with Spatzle. I had him for 10 wonderful years.

Funny, I almost typed author pests. Maybe there is some truth to that because I sit and write I sometimes have a puppy plop into my lap or pull at my pants for attention. Sometimes they can be a pest.

Benji with my hubby, Ben. He picked us and we loved him for a short 18 months.

Some authors use their animals in their fiction. I did model a dog after my Spatzle when I wrote Donuts and Detours. That was the image I had in mind when I did that. Of course, my book reviews have been done by my dogs for many years now and that has been fun.

The sad part was when I had to say good-bye to a dog.  We got Benji to help Spatzle in his old age and it worked but he passed away in early 2022 and never had a chance to write for me as Spatzle did such a great job. Then we adopted Cooper because Spatzle was grieving and that gave us many more months with my sweet dog. Spatzle passed away at the end of 2022 Cooper took over for Spaztle on the blog. We never got him a companion because he was happier as an only dog. Cooper died February of this year (2024) as his health deteriorated so rapidy.

Cooper was silly and fun, we miss his antics.

Marley was with us for too short a time. We were sad to lose him too.

Oliver keeping watch. He reminds me so much of Spatzle, but is far more hyper and affectionate.

The day after we put Cooper down, I found Oliver. A 6 month old, and the same breed as Spatzle had been. Because our grief was great, we adopted the puppy. I didn’t want a puppy. Too much work. I wanted it potty trained. I discovered that “mostly potty trained” meant I still had messes in the house. Ah but Oliver is a cute little shenangiator and we’ve come a long way since we got him after we put Cooper down.

Two weeks later we adopted a senior dog, Marley, to help Oliver learn how to “dog”. It helped a lot but we only had a few short months with sweet Marley. Anticipating Marley’s death, we got an Amish puppy mill rescue who was three. Minnie was terrified. She’s come a long way since then but we hope that these sweet pups will be with us for a long time to come now. Marley had been our fourth senior dog to  be put down in a little over two years. That’s a lot of heartache.

Minnie has a lot to learn but she’s getting there!

Now these younger pups bring life and laughter to our days. When my hubby is off working on his various projects, they keep me company and I can’t sit at my computer for hours like I used to before dogs came into my life. That’s a good thing although I do find it sometimes annoying.

Many authors do have pets. But then, many humans do. Being an author can be isolating and having a devoted fuzzy friend can be a comfort on any day and a delight on many of those with their shenanigans.

Since I’ve started adding Oliver and Minnie and having them share the book reviews here on the blog I figured it would be good to let you know where the other ones have gone. They may not be in our home any more but they are forever in our hearts.