Tag Archive | pain

Author Confessions: Flip the Script (AKA Reframing)

May19
Reading Time: 7 minutes

Author Confessions: Flip the Script (AKA Reframing)

As an author, I get to dictate how my characters tell their story which can sometimes reveal how they view the events of their past. Sometimes, even the not sharing of details can tell a lot as well as the emotions they experience attached to those events.

This is also true for us as real life human beings. However, we can learn to reframe events and consider them from a different perspective which can sometimes make difficult memories easier to bear.

Years ago, when my kids were little and the youngest was in a forward facing car seat, our car decided that after coming to a stop for a red light, on a busy road at night, that it would not move. Transmission issue. After calling the police to see if they could protect us from being hit from behind, because of course was in the middle of three lanes at that point, I called for a tow truck. When the tow truck arrived, he needed to pull our mini-van onto a flat bed trailer. The rules for the company he worked for stated that there could be no occupants. The police officer, however, insisted that it was not safe for us to evacuate three children in the middle of a busy highway. The tow truck operator relented. My kids were frightened about this little ride and I told them cheerfully, “This is an adventure!”

Apparently, I’d been trying to reframe far too many things that way because my youngest said, “I’m tired of having adventures.” Funny kid, but she was serious and scared. After we were secured on the truck, he moved us to to a bank parking lot just off the highway where we then had to empty the van of our belongings, children, and their required car seats. I think that was the most terrifying part because we were really high up at this point with not much space to step when outside of the van. I’m handing my kids down to a tow truck driver, friend, and police officer to help them off. Thankfully, we got everything out safely and transfered  to another vehicle someone brought for use while that one was being repaired. Hint: we eventually ended up purchasing a different model of mini-van that was not as prone to those transimission issues.

Was it an adventure? Sure it was, although I wonder if my kids even remember that night like I do. I wanted my kids to feel safe in a dangerous situation and unfortunately, they saw through it. I was trying to reframe a disturbing event into something fun, like a carnival ride. Didn’t work, but I tried anyway. I think the tow truck driver thought was nuts when he heard me yell that joyfully to the kids. Maybe I was. Maybe I still am!

We all have a tendency to recite stories of our past I believe we become more fixed in those stories as we age. Listen to any older person as they tell the same stories over and over again and in pretty much the same wording. The issue might be senilililty but the brain remembered something it had recited for years.

Part of psychology helps people to look at negative events differently. Sometimes as we grow older we recognize that while an event happened and we reacted to it a certain way, as we gain more information that can change our perspective. Understanding more of what drove another person to say or do things can help us not feel as victimized, which in many ways can decrease a trauma response when the past is brought into fresh light and examined.

My husband has a way of telling a story of his more recent past that concerned me and I finally told him that perhaps he could word it differently. We talked about how not everyone needed to know all those details but if the main point of his story was the ending, and what God did for him, then perhaps he should focus on that part of the story instead. Sometimes dredging up the past and reciting old hurts is a way to process trauma we don’t completely understand. However, if we understand that God used that in a powerful way, then maybe we can learn a new way to talk about that event. It has changed some of his conversations now which is a positive step for him.

I hope I’m making sense. Reframing, or flipping the script and changing the stories we tell ourselves about our past can be a part of our healing process. I think this might be why God kept telling people to mark down events that happened and recite the might acts of God on their behalf. This way they wouldn’t be so inclined to focus on the negative and be whiny complaining victims, instead of trusting a God who had done miraculous things to rescue them from slavery to the Egyptians. Songs were written and sung. There are repetitions throughout Scripture of the faith of those who believed and the faith they had in God.

We too easily fall into a victim mentality and I believe this has escalated in our current cultural climate. Too many have become spoiled, lazy, and entitled. As well as angry and vindictive. This is nothing new. The Israelites did that in the desert, defying and doubting God at every turn and then suffering the consequences of that.

I’m not saying we cannot talk about what hurts us. Life is hard we all face challenges at some level. There are highs and lows in all our lives and sometimes we have to move past hurts from our past to learn a new way to see the world–and the God who created and designed us and delights in those who come to him as Father. For a time it is good to talk a bout these things with someone who can help us view it differently.

For instance, I kept telling myself I was lazy. Then a doctor told me I had Hashimotos Disease, a Vitamin D deficiency and a few other things. I wasn’t lazy, I was sick, and those malfunctions in my body, impacted my ability to function. I’ve been in remission for a long time now which is wonderful. However, when I have a day when perhaps I don’t get as much done, I do have a wonderful husband and friends who remind me of all I do accomplish. A wise therapist said, “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for the things you do well.” Whoa.

It is part of our sinful human nature to focus on the negative. The world loves to argue and take issue with people and color individuals with a broad stroke of insults. The reality is we do this to ourselves but perhaps more subversively.

When I have a low key day, I’m learning that I need to listen to my body and trust that a slower pace, or rest, are more in line with what God wants for me that day. I don’t have a tendency to procrastinate, and to be honest, I have a lot on my plate and am juggling so much right now that I’m writing this post the day before it is scheduled to appear. That is not normal for me, but God is ultimately in control of my days and hours and if I’m seeking Him first in all things, then everything else will eventually fall into place. Tell my brain that when I’m trying to go to sleep and all of a sudden the slavedriver inside starts whipping me about a cacophany of things to be done, almost as if I should rise and do them right that moment.

But sleep is important too and without that, anything I try to do the next day is already jeopardized. So I tell the slavedriver to leave me alone and focus on breathing and drift off to sleep. 99% of the time that works anyway.

Reciting the good things God has done, and the ways He has been faithful can help. During a difficult time I asked a friend to remind me of God’s faithfulness to me. I needed to hear it said. She wouldn’t do it because she said I had no faith. I called another friend, a sweet older woman who told me all she had seen God doing in my life and told me that sometimes we need others to remind us. Scripture back this up as older people are to remind the younger of all God had done. That’s general history. How much more do we need to remind ourselves? Those things become part of our testimony of God’s work in our lives.

Someone said to me, “I can’t  believe you married him (referring to my ex-husband).” I told her, “I understand why I did, and what was going in me at that time, but it’s not worth discussing now. I am a different person today, than I was then, and those experiences changed me.” What that person considered a way to insult and demean me became useless. I’m not that person anymore and if I tried to explain it to her she likely wouldn’t understand the role she played in all that. Which is fine. It’s not something important to dwell on now, at this time in my life, when I’m married to a man who treats me with love and respect, and sincerely seeks my best interests. God rescued me and while I despaired over the delay of that rescue, now I can see that His timing was perfect and I’m grateful He helped me stay close to Him through those painful years. Those events are now in a book on a shelf in the library of my mind and I typically only pull out and recite the stories of God’s tangible presence and the ways He continually showed me He loved and cared for me even when I sometimes doubted it.

Refraiming. Flipping the script. Are there events in your life you need to revist and view from a different perspective of time and maturity?

I love these lyrics by Bob Farrell and Greg Nelson. Long Look is an older song but sometimes taking a long look can help us see things more clearly. What do you think?

I can hardly believe my feet have brought me this far
To the top of a mountain, at the edge of the stars
And I know there′s a reaon God has shown me this place
To see with new vision the journey I face
I’m a river that reels through the distance below
Winding through choices and the way I must go
I take a long look, a long look
It′s a hard climb that takes a long time
I can see where I’m going and some places I’ve been
I take a long, long look
Every summit I reach seems the highest I′ve been
With my valleys below, God renews me again
I can say my good-byes to all the struggle and tears
When I see through His eyes I′ve got nothing to fear
For joy’s there to meet me and wisdom′s my friend
My companion that helps me find purpose again

 

Author Confessions: Do You Want to Get Well? (Secondary Gains)

Mar24
Reading Time: 8 minutes

Author Confessions: Do You Want to Get Well? (Secondary Gains)

I was reading John 5 and came across this story of Jesus and it led me to write this post. First, the full story:

After this, a Jewish festival took place, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. By the Sheep Gate in Jerusalem there is a pool, called Bethesda in Hebrew, which has five colonnades. Within these lay a large number of the sick—blind, lame, and paralyzed [—waiting for the moving of the water,  because an angel would go down into the pool from time to time and stir up the water. Then the first one who got in after the water was stirred up recovered from whatever ailment he had].

One man was there who had been sick for 38 years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew he had already been there a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to get well?”

“Sir,” the sick man answered, “I don’t have a man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I’m coming, someone goes down ahead of me.”

“Get up,” Jesus told him, “pick up your mat and walk!” Instantly the man got well, picked up his mat, and started to walk.

I was struck by the question Jesus asked, “Do you want to get well?” It would seem to be a ridiculous question, after all, who wouldn’t want to get well?

I’ve ministered with people with chronic health issues, including mental health issues. Chronic issues, like the man in this story, are sometimes visible, and many times invisible.

Who wouldn’t want to get well if they were sick in any way? Especially if one is suffering horrible deficits in the ability to function?

Sometimes the disability is more rewarding than being physically or emotionally whole. It may not even be a physical situation. We have an entire subgroup in our culture that revels in being victims of anything they can think of. Yes, adulting is hard, I get that. But when a person persists in the behavior that perpetuates the position of victim, then they are doing that due to secondary gains such as attention and being absolved of responsibilty.

Now, I am not stating there are not real victims in this world. There are and they should be cared for and assisted to climb out of whatever pit they are in, so they can deal with the reality before them. We rescue victims from a car crash and render aid, but sometimes the physical consequences can go on beyond that, with pain or subsequent surgeries. The individual has a choice in their attitude: be helpless and whiny or move forward, even in spite of the pain, to live the best life they can within their limitations.

Someone who is paralyzed doesn’t need to stay helpless. Consider Joni Tada. She went through a phase of depression and helplessness after she was paralyzed,  but eventually through the power of Christ and a supportive family, she emerged from that to live a powerful life that impacts disabled people around the world. She has written countless books, sung, and painted. She has endured pain issues and cancer along with the need to be dependent on her husband and other caregivers. In spite that, and a desire to be healed, she has made the most of her physical limitations and praises God in spite of it.

If Jesus came to her and asked, “Do you want to get well?” She would answer, “Yes, LORD!” Her complete healing will most likely not come till she is with Him in Paradise.

There are people who are resistant to getting well. They get something out it. That is called secondary gains.

What would someone get that they would want to cling to? Attention from others, sympathy, maybe care, or financial support. Perhaps they like the exuses not to work or participate in the activities others engage in. There is a sickness in wallowing in that pain that in a twisted way makes them feel special.

I’ve been a victim in the past. I’ve struggled to move past abuse that left me feeling helpless to change. I finally realized that I couldn’t do anything to change that situation but I could change how I reacted to it. I could move from the “poor me” and the sympathy I received into a freedom and dependance on God that helped transform me so that when God was ready to “heal” my circumstances, I was able to move into that  freedom.

Look at someone like Johnny “Joey” Jones who lost both his legs while serving our country. From what little I can gather, he is in constant pain. Yet, when I see him on FOX, he tackles his disablity with humor and grace. He wrote a book celebrating others who have overcome: Unbroken Bonds of Battle: A Modern Warriors Book of Heroism, Patriotism, and Friendship. Or Benjamin Hall who was injured and lost his legs as well, who has gone on to write two books, Saved and  Resolute. I haven’t read any of these yet but would like to at some point. Benjamin  was told he would be in the hospital for two years recovering but was home in six months. Both he and Jones have suffered horrible physical and psychological trauma, yet have had the courage to move past it instead of staying “sick”. That took a lot of courage, pain, and perseverance as well as leaving behind the care and support they received while in the worst of their suffering.

Do you want to get well?

When I struggled with Hashimoto’s disease, it took years before I got accurately diagnosed. I was told it was no wonder I was overweight. Nothing I could do would change that until I go my thyroid under control. The problem is, even once the thyroid is functioning properly doesn’t mean that the weight melts off. It was a long process of detoxing heavy metals and undergoing other natural treatments that finally led me to be in remission. Now, if I’m tired, I can’t blame my thyroid. I’ve struggled to lose weight and I’ve tried a lot of various ways and have made some progress over the years. I’m more comfortable in my skin now and am more attuned to my body. I could have stayed heavy and and a victim of an autoimmune disease that modern medicine says can’t be cured. I’m not where I would like to be but I’m slowly getting there. I could have spent the rest of my life fat and tired based on what modern medicine could tell me, and be on pills for that for the rest of my life.

I am aware of some people who cannot even admit they are sick, psychologically speaking. Yet, sometimes it is the emotional stuff that holds us back more than the physical. Depression can lead to self-medication and isolation which only fuels the depression. It takes courage and vulnerability to face what is underlying that, perhaps thyroid, or a genetic predisposition, negative messaging, or even trauma. The easy but miserable thing to do is nothing but remain a victim to the dark moods that accompany that and maybe get some sympathy, pity, and help with maintaining life. I’m not minimzing the power of depression, but it can be brutally painful to face the demons that plague us while sitting across from a safe person to work through the underlying thoughts and actions that are perpetuating it. And maybe even chosing to take medication to help.

Do you want to get well? 

What Jesus gave the man at the pool an action to take. “Get up,” Jesus told him, “pick up your mat and walk!” 

The man could have whined and cried about how he could not walk. But he took action. Jesus didn’t pull him to his feet. Jesus wanted to see if the man had faith to obey. And the man did. I can’t imagine how odd that must have felt to have the energy to move himself, rise to his feet and then bend over to pick up his mat and walk away. We don’t know what kind of illness he had but he couldn’t even get to the pool by himself. The new reality was now he was healed which meant he would need to take responsiblity for every aspect of his life, which after 38 years would have been a shock. He would need to work and not be dependant on others to do everything for him.

Sometimes blaming everyone else for your misfortune (and getting sympathy) is a secondary gain because you avoid having to look at your own behaviors and change the way you live and perhaps repent of bad choices.

Pursuing health, whether it is financial, physical, emotional, spiritual… sometimes means leaving the familiar behind and reaching forward into the unknown. Healing isn’t always a straight path up out of the pit (My novel Pesto and Potholes considers that). Ditching old behaviors and learning new ones is not always easy and sometimes it is painful. Striving forward and pursuing something better, can take time and be discouraging but is worth doing in the long run.

Do you want to get well? 

Would you give up all the excuses and be willing to embrace a fuller life? If Jesus asked you the question what would you say? “Yes, but…” That’s what the man in the story did. If God shows you where you need to work to make a change, would you obey, get up, pick up your mat, and do it?

One last quick funny story. Probably 30 years ago now, I hurt my left knee when I missed a step going downstairs while carring an object weighing about 50 lbs. I was supposed to sing at church that Sunday but could barely walk or drive. I told the production team I would need to sing from the floor as I couldn’t manage the stairs. Saturday night I got a call from my friend Jeff, who said, “This is weird, but I believe God is telling me to come and pray for your knee to be healed.” I told him he could come over but I secretly doubted anything would change. He brought his daughter and prayed for my knee. He left, I went to bed. The next morning I woke up and my knee was healed, although my calf was in pain from the strain of that injury. When I saw him at church I told him next time I’d have him pray for the whole leg, not just the knee!

The reality is, I believed in God. Jeff obeyed what seemed like a ridiculous leading from the Holy Spirit. I wasn’t about to say no because, of course, I wanted to be well! It was obedience, more than faith that it would really happen, that God wanted from both of us. That Sunday I was able to climb the steps to the stage to sing.

If I had said no I would have been in pain, sang from the floor, but received a lot of attention, and concern for my pain. Instead, I was able to resume life normally, and give God the glory for what He had done. All these years later I’ve never had an experience like that. But if someone says healing is not a gift God uses in this day, my experience says otherwise. Healing may not be an “all the time” gift but one that God reserves for the moments He chooses.

Do you want to get well? Where are you struggling and perhaps getting attention for? Have you allowed yourself to remain a victim? This is not easy stuff and might require you to use new muscles to move toward healing and it might even hurt along the way. When we walk with God and He leads us, it is well worth the journey to ditch the secondary gains we get from being sick or stuck, and truly be  as well as we can be while living on this earth.

Author Confessions: Too Much Trauma

Jun17
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Too Much Trauma

I was pondering how we use tragedies, setback, unfortunate incidents to move a story along. No one wants to read a story about someone whose life is going along great and they have everything they need materially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s odd to think that heaven will have none of those things and while we don’t like the trials that come our way, some of our own making perhaps, we do (hopefully!) grow through them in real life.

The same is true for characters in a book. They have to face challenges and grow or the reader won’t want to read the story. Maybe it’s cathartic for the reader (and it can be for the author) to witness, on a page, someone triumphing over difficulties.

But there can be too much trauma and it can be a balancing act about how much we show the reader about the difficulties a character may face. When I had to write the prologue for Pesto and Potholes because my Editor-in-chief insisted, it should have come with a trigger warning. It was hard to write. There is another scene earlier in the story where my character faces and attempted rape that I had to walk that carefully as well. How to be descriptive and let the reader feel the terror and pain without overwhelming them. It was hard to do.

I was thinking the other day that no one is writing stories about Covid-19. Maybe that’s too close and too universal. Maybe because opinions can be polarizing: vaccinated or unvaccinated. Emotions in this country (and perhaps around the world) ran high and opinions on treatment, masking, social distancing, closing schools, churches, and businesses, are still debated. The trauma is still experienced by many whether they had Covid or not. Too much trauma? Or just too difficult to write a story that would rise above all that? My guess is it is a little of both. Maybe forty years from now someone will write a historical novel about it when we are all far enough removed? But I for one, have no wish to write a novel that deals specifically with that. Could it appear as a side note? Sure, but not center stage.

The reality is many of us suffer from various traumas in our lives. Some are so severe they develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or Dissociative Disorder. There is a newer term called Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder that can encompass more long-term trauma but as of now it isn’t recognized by the American Psychological Association. However, there are a variety of doctors who have been lobbying for it to be included and there are countless books on the subject. I’ve tried reading a few but even that can be triggering so I need to go slow due to my own undiagnosed (because it isn’t valid on medical forms) cPTSD.

There have been some books I’ve edited that could have been triggering and some I’ve struggled with, not because the author didn’t do a good job, or I didn’t like the story, only because it hit too close to my own experience. I had someone who read an early version of Pesto and Potholes who got angry. Why? “How did you know my life story?” I didn’t. She was happy with the final product though and is one of my biggest fans as an author, and a dear sister in Christ who I see often at church. I’m grateful God could use it in a positive way and while I wouldn’t wish a reader pain in reading a story, I’m happy that the way I dealt with it satisfied her. That was a pretty high bar to reach.

There’s a popular phrase that God will never give us more than we can bear. That’s a lie. He often allows too much trauma so we can depend on Him. So too, our characters might face difficulties but the balancing act as an author is to make sure it’s not too much. Sometimes reality is stranger and much more difficult than fiction. I wonder if Job had been written more from a third person point of view of Job (and maybe his wife) we might feel the depth of pain and  loss at a level that would be too difficult to read. He lost all of his kids. Done. No funeral mentioned, just tragedy upon tragedy. But I imagine the depth of grief was the worst of everything he endured. Remembering their births, moments of fun and play, the last time they talked, their dreams, his hopes for grandchildren that would never be. Fast forward and God gave him more  children. Can you imagine? All his kids were adults from what we can discern, then everything is restored but him and his wife go through pregnancy, birth, and raising an entirely new LARGE family! I’m exhausted just thinking about it!

As an author who loves Jesus, I always hope to bring the hope of Christ to every story, no matter what the trauma. Not necessarily “in-your-face” kind of hope but that undergirding strength and encouragement that the Holy Spirit gives us to endure and overcome the challenges in our lives.

When I sign books I always cite James 1:17 which states: Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. This verse comes after James has talked about trials, difficulties, and temptations and asks us to consider it joy. JOY? That something is gut-wrenchingly heart-stoppingly painful? Somewhere in the midst of our pain there is a gift that God is birthing and James wants to remind us of that. I also sign my books with You are a gift. We can’t forget that God created each person with a purpose to bring glory to Himself but also to serve a purpose in the lives of others in this world.

Trauma. Joy. We can have too much trauma in life and in books but hopefully the love and presence of Christ through His Holy Spirit will get us through to the gifts awaiting us on the other side.

Lessons Learned While Writing: The Necessity of “Tough Stuff”

May2
Reading Time: 2 minutes

A story that is all sunshine and happy times doesn’t keep the reader engaged. As an author I need to find an inciting incident to start my story. A disturbance of some sort to draw the reader in and make them want to take this journey with me. Obstacles need to be faced because this forces my character to make choices and face consequences—good and bad—for those decisions. Without conflict, the story would be boring. Without challenges the character doesn’t grow and change to become a better person emotionally and spiritually.

The challenge of living in this world filled with sin is we face conflict regularly in real life and sometimes that can be a royal pain. Sometimes we create our own conflict. Sometimes events happen over which we have no control and we are forced to deal with and react to them. Every choice leads us down a path filled with more choices.

The darkness in this world, the grief and heartache we face, serves to remind us of how human we really are. How far from heaven we’ve fallen due to the ongoing and exponentially growing prevalence of sin in the world. But the ups and downs of this life also help us appreciate the good times, the happy moments, the blessings that come along as well.

The stars don’t cease to twinkle when the sun is shining, even though we can’t see them. When darkness falls and we are way from city lights, the stars sparkle in the heavens. So too when life is dark do we sometimes see things clearer. The harshness of death, expands the depth of love. The threat of a terminal illness makes us cling to what really matters. 

Without the difficulties of life it would be, well, boring. At least on a page of a book. We don’t want to read about everything always going great on social media, do we? It’s not real. Everyone has some heartache and challenges they face from within or without. Maybe they won’t share it but it’s there. Sometimes we only get the highlight reel.

It makes me wonder how Heaven in all its glory will compare to this world filled with tears and sorrows, gains and losses, pain and healing. We will be awestruck. We will have work to do as we worship the King of kings and Lord of lords. But there won’t be the struggle, the pain, or the tears.

If you are struggling, hang on. It won’t last forever because we have something wonderful to look forward to.

Depression: The ‘blues’ are not what you think they are

Feb17

Reading Time: 3 minutesI’m doing something I normally don’t do. I’m writing a blog post while I’m sunk in the pit of major depression.

I’m not crying. I did that a few days ago. I could easily do it again though.

It’s been years but a few days before writing this I had dangerous thoughts. No, not going to kill myself. But I just want my life to be over.

There gets to be a point where criticism and rejection get to be too much. Some would say it is a satanic attack when you have thoughts like this. I’m not totally convinced. When memories rise up and crowd around threatening to beat you with every hurting word,  betrayal, insult and more, it’s hard to blame satan for the words of others that come back to torture a soul. How do you blame satan when I can beat myself up quite well without his help?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words may destroy me.

Having lived with major depression for years, I normally would seek out someone. Go to lunch. But right now that would only seem to fulfill what some would say is “attention-seeking” behavior or my deep seated need for validation.

So why even bother?

A wise man told me that those with the gift of encouragement are often the most in need of it.

Lately there’s been little encouragement. Oh, there’s people who like me on-line perhaps. But some of the closest in my circle prefer to ignore me.

Now, Susan, if you are posting this aren’t you attention seeking now? Why, this goes out to the whole world-wide web! 

But you don’t know when I wrote this. This could show up days, weeks or months after I post it. So, in this moment of deep pain, I am not seeking attention or validation for my existance.

I’m strangly at peace with a desire to not be here anymore. I’m tired of the fight and then immediately chide myself for being such a wimp. People go through far worse struggles than I have and emerge just fine.

But that’s them, and I’m me.

I’m strangly more productive right now. Immersing myself in work and trying to avoid the pain in many ways. Isolating as much as possible. But if you see me you will get a smile. I won’t share that pain on my facebook page or even at church.

That’s the curse of mental illness, isn’t it? You break a leg and everyone is sympathetic. Have surgery and meals are brought to you. Depression? Who wants to deal with a chronic issue like that? It’s just, well, depressing.

Take a pill. I already do take medication but even increasing the dose wouldn’t help me in this moment. It can take weeks to feel an improvement and taking too much has it’s own issues. Medication is not always the solution.

I get it. See, along with my own pain I often carry the pain of others. A hyper-sensitive person is great to confide in, share with, be validated and encouraged by. I don’t regret ever doing that. I do it beause I know how much it hurts. Been there, done that, doing it again right now. And I am grateful that God can use my hurts to help others.

My heart aches in that, beyond prayer for God, I feel helpless to do anything else for them. A hug, a smile, a word of encouragment and they go back to the daily pain of their lives. These people are in my church, they are in larger world of friends and they are online. Loss. Grief. Rejection. Physical pain. Financial distress. Women left by “Christian” men and those women raising children alone.

I despise my own pain even as it provides a position for me to minister to others in theirs.

So I pray. I write. I work. I cry and I wait.

I wait for God’s hand to work in whatever way He choses. I cast myself on His tender hands at his torturous cross. No one fully understands my pain but Him anyway. I can’t imagine walking through this life without Him.

The Looming Cloud of Depression

May6

Reading Time: 2 minutesThis was originally published in September of 2010

I’ve struggled with depression most of my life.  With medication I have more ‘good’ days than bad, although circumstances and hormones and my thyroid issues can mess with all of that.  The past few days I’ve been feeling the shadow of that cloud looming and am troubled by it.  I usually try NOT to write publically when I’m like this.  Not sure why. I don’t need any guests to my pity party and I don’t always like to explain the challenging circumstances that I have lived in and continue to experience on a daily basis. It almost makes it worse to talk about it.  It is the way it is. I’ve had to make tough choices and sometimes the consequences are painful.

This week I have a book to read that will scrape wounds raw.  When I don’t have to look at my challenges and can rise above them (or pretend they don’t exist!), I do better.  But I cannot always stay there forever. I’m finding it hard to lean into the pain I know will come, because I can’t leave it there when I set the book down.  However, the issues are bigger than me – they extend to the women (and men) of our church and beyond.  So I need to step up even if it hurts. Sometimes life just hurts when you have to face into things that don’t change even though your heart wishes they would.  I need to grieve my losses again while seeking to live in hope.  I serve a God I can trust with the future.

All of this is before I even crack the book open. However, I had to do something similar two weeks ago and haven’t fully recovered from the emotional wrenching it did inside. So in a way, I’m trying to be realistic.

I wish I could use food to numb or stuff down some of that pain.  But those choices have negative consequences and I’ve made so much progress in that area this year.  Now is not the time to backslide.  Sometimes I just have to feel it.  But I don’t wanna! my heart cries out. Well, I don’t like doing dishes and laundry and still – some things must be done.

I’m reminded that it is times like this when I am able to draw closer to Jesus.  Knowing He treasures the tears that I sometimes am unable to cry. Knowing that my deepest pains – He has experienced.  I’m grateful I have a God who sees, loves and holds me.  King David resonates with me so much. “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” (Psa 43:5 ESV)

How about you? Is there a painful reality that is rearing its ugly head and needs to be dealt with head-on?  How are you coping? How can I be praying for you?   Heed also the wisdom from my eight year old son: storms have a purpose in cleaning the air – purifying it.  I think that applies to the emotional ones too.

Unmet Needs

Aug9

Reading Time: 4 minutes

This post was written by Cheryl Cross: a friend, missionary, amazing mom and wife who always seems to smile and exude grace. I hope you are encouraged by her words like I was.

There have been many times when I have felt “in the pit,” not because of my own sin nor because of a lack of intimacy with God. Yet I’ve sat there, bearing the burdens of this world, wishing God would just simply make me feel better as I face the onslaught. God, though, sometimes wants me to sit there, recognizing that this world and the people in it often bring me pain. There is sorrow that God won’t erase even with his perfect peace and unending joy.  That’s when I look to His word and see this: Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face the heart is made glad. Seriously, God?  When my earthly need of feeling loved and accepted and wanted and cherished is unmet, You can make my heart glad? Is it possible to have a glad heart and have grievous pain at the same time? I’m beginning to believe it. I’m not there yet; I don’t have it all pulled together. But when I think of those moments when the tears flow abundantly, I meet the Lord in a sweeter way than any other moment of earthly joy. That’s what He means. He designed us to have needs and wants that are met by our loved ones that He provides, but when those earthly needs are unmet, He sits with us in our sorrow.

This time, when the tears come, when the pain seems so overwhelming that it might break us, perhaps we can just sit and wait with God on the gladness of heart that only He can bring. Perhaps we can choose to press in to his tender arms and let the sorrow rain down around us. Lord, may I see You in the sorrow and not run away from You so that You may bring me gladness of heart.

Ecclesiastes 7

A good name is better than precious ointment, and the day of death than the day of birth.

It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting,

for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.

Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face the heart is made glad.

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.

It is better for a man to hear the rebuke of the wise than to hear the song of fools.

For as the crackling of thorns under a pot, so is the laughter of the fools; this also is vanity.

Surely oppression drives the wise into madness, and a bribe corrupts the heart.

Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.

Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools.

Say not, “Why were the former days better than these?” For it is not from wisdom that you ask this.

Wisdom is good with an inheritance, an advantage to those who see the sun.

For the protection of wisdom is like the protection of money, and the advantage of knowledge is that wisdom preserves the life of him who has it.

Consider the work of God: who can make straight what he has made crooked?

In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other, so that man may not find out anything that will be after him.

In my vain life I have seen everything. There is a righteous man who perishes in his righteousness, and there is a wicked man who prolongs his life in his evildoing. Be not overly righteous, and do not make yourself too wise. Why should you destroy yourself? Be not overly wicked, neither be a fool. Why should you die before your time? It is good that you should take hold of this, and from that withhold not your hand, for the one who fears God shall come out from both of them.

Wisdom gives strength to the wise man more than ten rulers who are in a city.

Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins.

Do not take to heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. Your heart knows that many times you yourself have cursed others.

All this I have tested by wisdom. I said, “I will be wise,” but it was far from me. That which has been is far off, and deep, very deep; who can find it out?

I turned my heart to know and to search out and to seek wisdom and the scheme of things, and to know the wickedness of folly and the foolishness that is madness. And I find something more bitter than death: the woman whose heart is snares and nets, and whose hands are fetters. He who pleases God escapes her, but the sinner is taken by her. Behold, this is what I found, says the Preacher, while adding one thing to another to find the scheme of things— which my soul has sought repeatedly, but I have not found. One man among a thousand I found, but a woman among all these I have not found. See, this alone I found, that God made man upright, but they have sought out many schemes.