Author Confession: Listen more than You Speak

This is a difficult thing for many of us to do, me included. My husband and I were at an anniversary event and many there were deaf and using sign language to communicate. My husband is pretty good at signing his conversations, but admitted to one hearing interpreter that he can speak sign better than read it. I quipped that he has a hard time with that when it comes to talking and listening as well. Me? Well, I could only watch unless someone translated any of it for me.

My husband was surprised but the woman responded: “Preach it.” My husband is quite a talker. Maybe it’s the yougest son, clown aspect of his extraverted personality. He processes everything out loud. It’s the way he solves problems, by talking them out. I never have to wonder what he’s thinking! He is getting better at listening as well.

Most psychology theorists would say that personality is fairly stable, but I used to to be much more like my sweet hubby. I would talk a lot. I could relate anything you said into a story of my own. Perhaps not the best social practice, however, but I think I had a desperate need to be heard and understood. Years of verbal/emotional and other abuses, however, tempered that part of my personality. I became an author and more introverted. My training in Counseling Psychology also trained me how to listen, and ask questions to help others.

There is an axiom out there: God gave us two ears to listen and one mouth to speak so use your ears more than your mouth.

This could also be applied to our converstations with God. We often want to fill up that time with our thoughts, wishes, prayer requests, praises but how often are we good at just sitting and listening to Him? It’s harder in many ways than to do that with another person. I struggle to do this. My brain is pretty easily distracted.

I think there is a depth of comfort that must exist between two people, of trust and love, when the spaces between words can be long. Where silence hangs there not in a threatening way, but in comfort and peace. When my husband and I take long car rides we don’t often listen to music. Some of that is because it intereferes with attending to conversation, but also we have some distinctively different preferences in musical styles, with mine being far broader. It is not uncommon for us to sit for miles and miles in silence. I’ve managed to do writing on trips like this and he’s managed (when I’m driving) to make out notes and phone calls for projects he’s working on. Sometimes when I’m writing on my laptop, he will be driving and silently praying as he is a faithful intercessor for many.

Maybe being an author has made the listening a little easier. Don’t get me wrong. In the right situation and some of my favorite topics I can become a chatty Cathy. Given that I prefer more in-depth conversations with those in my inner circle, it can be more challenging for me to step out of my comfort zone to talk to people I don’t know in a more superficial setting. I almost have to psych myself into that, but when I do I try to find a way in to the conversation and make it about the other person. I’ve heard many wonderful stories that way and have been able to encourage others. As much as my husband or I want to be seen and known, so do  most other people, and they are also waiting for someone to care enough to listen to them.

As an author, that is a gold mine of ideas and concepts and story lines. It helps me explore heartbreak and joys or challenges that I’d never understood before.

Proverbs 1:5 says: “A wise man will listen and increase his learning, and a discerning man will obtain guidance.” Listening, being fully present with someone, takes effort and work. In our rushed, social media society, that is a hard discipline to learn and practice. Maybe getting older, and a little trauma, has made that easier for me, but to be honest, sometimes I’m too self-centered or lazy to make that effort with someone I’m not well acquainted with. Any time I make that effort, I’m rewarded with knowing I showed kindness to someone and I always learn something new and who knows when or where that will show up in one of my stories.

So this is a reminder to me and maybe to you as well if you struggle with this. Today, try to listen more than you speak and see what happens. You might be surprised at the treasures you’ll unearth in the process and the impact you might have on someone’s life.