Tag Archive | acceptance

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

Jul14
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

I was surprised that I never wrote about needs as I’ve always loved Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs and find it contains easy to understand, and biblically sound ideas.

If you’re not familiar with Abraham Maslow, he was an American psychologist and he studied human motivation. It’s probably what he is most famous for. He came up with five basic needs that support the needs above them for a person to be living lives as full as possible.

Hierarchy of Needs

Physiological Needs

These needs we see even in infants. We all need to breathe. If you suffer from asthma like I do, you can appreciate that even more. When you’re hungry you realize how important that need is. Shelter is important to protect us from the hazards that can come from our environments: cold, heat, sun, snow, rain, hurricanes etc. We need clothing as well to protect our bodies. Winter coat in subzero weathers vs shorts and tank tops when it is hot. Sleep is also a need. It messes with our body and our minds when we do not get enough sleep.

Safety and Security

When we break a bone, get a disease, or even a cold, we are reminded how much our health impacts our overall well-being. We need something to do. Now in our society it seems that being online and pontificating and even bragging about not working is the norm but a well-adjusted individual needs employment. Paid or volunteer there is a built in need to contribute to something bigger than ourselves. Property is important, whether you rent or own we need a place. Even gypsy’s have property, they just take it with them. Family is one that is so in danger in our world but is a deep need God has built into us. Having social connections are also important to help us develop and be whole.

Love and Belonging

Friendships, family, intimacy and connection are again, built into us by our amazing God who wants to be in those kinds of relationships with humans. Denying the need for connections and belonging can deeply hurt an individual’s development and very existance. That is why isolation can be so hard long term in prison or for those who are held captive. The lack of connection can be devestating psychologically.

Self-Esteem

We long to be confident, to feel like we matter and that others like us. When that is denied a child, or an adult, it can be devestating. We long for respect for who God created us to be, as unique creations of a loving, and amazing God. When that is withheld it can have a horrible impact on a person’s emotional health.

Self-Actualization

We all have some version of morals, we have different levels of creativity, we desire acceptance, purpose, and to know our life has meaning. We long for the ability to make choices and take actions on our own.

Summary 

Getting our needs seems so simple in a pyramid. Due to sin it can be hard for us to find our needs met in the world around us because it often requires relationships which can be messy.

Next week I’ll be looking at how this connects with motives. Understanding human needs can go a long way to understanding ourselves which is necessary before we seek to understand others. God of course, is already there and calling us to follow Him and grow to be people who can serve Him, even if our needs here on earth are not fully met. Ane while we need these things from other humans, because He designed us for relationships, He also promises to help us with all of these as we seek His face.

Quirks

Jan15
Reading Time: 3 minutes

The other night, my husband and I were reading through a devotional Bible and it asked a question about putting up with the idiosyncracies of your spouse. We chuckled. When he saw one photo of me in my bio in an online dating sight before we’d met in person, he thought I was wacky.

I joke it was truth in advertising. 

I’m weird. I embrace that. Normal, typical are not words that define me or my life. 

During our wedding the pastor who had known me for many years mentioned that I was quirky and Ben would have to deal with that.

My man, for all his past business successes, is a goofball. He loves to joke around and make people smile. He makes me laugh every day. Sometimes the jokes are corny. “If you want better jokes, you have to pay better,” is his response. The silliness that emerges from him often amazes us both and continues to give us each joy in our days even when circumstances are difficult.

Both of us has past trauma from previous relationships. It’s not uncommon for my husband to ask, “Why do you treat me so well?” He’s not used to being affirmed, welcomed home warmly, and encouraged in his many endeavors, and to be listened to as he explains his plans. Much of that I don’t fully comprehend but I do try. Sometimes, rarely, I even come up with suggestions that help propel him forward. Score one for the wife! 

My response to him is this: “If I ever get annoyed with you I step back and remember, this is who God made you to be. If I have a problem with that, the issue is me, not you.” Quirks and all I need to embrace who he is completely. Now, when he crosses a line I tell him. When he does something he thinks is playful and it hurts me, or offends me, I let him know. He may not have actually even done anything wrong, but due to my own past wounds sometimes I can get triggered. Ah the side-effects of abuse. 

The great thing is, when I do this, he changes his behavior. There are certain words we don’t use in our home because they cause hurt. They are not necessarily bad words in and of themselves. There are things he’s done that have unintentionally hurt me and I’ve let him know and he respects that. 

He has also let me know when I unintentionally let him down, that there was a need I didn’t perceive and failed to meet. Sometimes he comes home and is busy in the garage with a project. Instead of coming out to check on him I’ll just wait for him to come inside for dinner. He’d like me to check in on him. I’m somewhat lazy at times and don’t want to put on shoes or a coat (we live in Wisconsin and it is now winter) to be heading out there. Now, I try to pop in more. I always figured I might be bothering him or getting in the way of a project. But that’s a holdover from my own past. He’s never snapped at me for coming into the garage to see what he’s doing. He’s always been happy to see me and usually to explain what he’s working on. He may be an adult and retired, but he still likes an ataboy now and then. 

Don’t we all? 

When I feel like I’ve not lived up to some invisible standard in my mind, he affirms how much he admires the work I do even though it is often with a computer or words on a page. He works with his hands and gets dirty. He’s always creating something with metal that is functional and usually from scraps, which  becomes something usable and valuable. He was surprised one day when I told him I was amazed at how creative he is! He never thought of himself as creative. It may not be decorative but he solves problems and isn’t afraid of the hard work to get to the end result. That perseverance is impressive to me. He threatens to get a go-pro to video him working on projects. I think it would be great, but I already have way too much to do to be adding editing his videos for him! He’s not terribly tech-saavy. 

So what are your quirks? How do you handle the quirks of others? Can you embrace them as part of their uniqueness? It’s not always easy and sometimes the yuck from our own past gets in the way of being able to celebrate that part of someone, but it can help us understand, accept, and even love them better when we do.