Tag Archive | anger

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Resentment

Apr21
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Resentment

I start out writing these posts with really no idea where I’m going to go with them. Mostly it is me processing this and considering it, something many people rarely do, so I hope these are as beneficial to you as they are to me.

I’ll admit I’ve struggled with the dangerous emotion of resentment. That usually comes from unresolved conflict or perhaps someone I need to forgive (again) for wronging me at some point. Perhaps that person was even confronted about their trespass but were unrepentant. It’s easy to resent someone like that. Or perhaps I resent someone who snubbed me. There are are people I’ve served with in ministry over the years who will be cheerful and happy to my face in a fake way, but won’t accept a friend request on Facebook. Now granted, maybe there are not on there very much, but still, it says something. Or maybe they were at one time a friend on social media and unfriended me. I have no idea why. I don’t try to be political or divisive in my postings on there, or rarely advertise my writing or even this blog on my personal page.

So what do we do with these feelings of being snubbed, insulted or perhaps even injured in some way, shape, or form?

As with any emotion, we need to take it to God. I’ve had instances where I’ve been unable to seek out reconciliation and instead of wallowing in resentment I leave it in God’s hands. In my mind I have this imaginary stamp that I’ve placed on their forhead that says: UNSAFE. Those people do not deserve an intimate connection with me. Trust has been broken, and I can be polite and even friendly but refuse to go deeper than that. One individual called me after a year of little contact and she complained that we don’t talk anymore. She  forgot how she tore me to pieces when I confronted her on her treatment of me in various ministry groups we’ve been in (publicly demeaning me). I went away from that initial conversation crushed. Since that time I gave it to God. During that call, I gave her the information she requested without stating anything more about my life or even asking about hers. I just don’t care to have a relationship with her any more than I do with someone from a call center trying to sell me car insurance. I have detached any emotion toward her. I view her as unsafe but without any resentment. I wish her well, but don’t desire to be a part of her life, or have her in mine as she has not proven worthy of my trust.

I have resented the way people have treated someone I love. Evil stuff really. In this instance, resentment comes very close to hate if you consider it on a continuum. Or even anger. It can be a combination of all of the above. Or how about jealousy? We can resent people for being blessed with things we don’t have, even if they don’t flaunt those blessings.

Resentment can become dangerous when we hold on to it. It can fester and grow into some of those other emotions I mentioned. If we have a habit of holding on to that it can become pervasive where we resent a lot of people over things and treatment, real or imagined. As it grows it can impact our spiritual and emotional health as we harbor such an ugly poison within us. The dangerouse emotion of resentment is at it’s worst when we resent the God who oversees our lives and perhaps denies us our request in our timing or blesses someone else the way we want to be blessed. That’s serious one to pray about. His ways and timing are not ours. He is always at work and we need to trust that in His perfect love and plan, that He does have a reason and there is good coming out of even the darkest days.

Does resentment ever do us any good? Well, in some ways when we can identify that emotion, we can examine more closely the way we are experiencing it and deal with it. Emotions are involuntary but there are often thoughts behind them that influence them and their severity. What are the thoughts? Someone doesn’t like me and won’t friend me on Facebook. OK, that is their perogative. I’ve reached out to be friendly and it is not reciprocated. Why would I want a relationship with that person anyway? I can let it go, be friendly if I see them, fully aware that the cheerful greeting I get is phoney and move on with my life  grateful for the true friends who are a part of it. I don’t need people like that as part of my inner circle.

The dangerous part of the emotion of resentment is when we hold on to it and let it grow. Stop feeding it with negative thoughts. Instead bring them before God and then perhaps even another person to process and understand the why, so you can deal with it, and move past it, leaving resentment starving in the dust behind you as you move forward in your life. Who has time for that anyway, when there are so many other wonderful things to focus on the many wonderful things God has and is doing in our lives?

How have you dealt with the dangerous emotion of resentment? I’d love to hear of any tips you might have used.

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Hate

Mar3
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Hate

I believe hate is an emotion strongly corrolated with anger. Typically we hate something that angers us. Although sometimes it might be a strong distaste for something, like anchovies, which tends to be a pretty harmless expression of the emotion.

The reality is, we all hate something, and maybe at some points, someone. It’s what we do with that emotion that counts. I have heard the expression, “Hate the sin, not the sinner.” This is a wise thing to do because every individual is created in the image of God and therefore has worth and value.

Hate is a communicable trait of God. The difference is, He is justified in acting on His hatred of sin because He is pure and holy. We, however, are not. When we feel hate, we need to work to resolve it without seeking justice. That we can leave in God’s capable hands. Easier said than done.

1 John 3:15 has strong words to say about hate. “Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him.” In this instance strong hatred toward another human is sin, especially when that turns into a rage that is acted on. We see this with crimes of passion where emotion drives someone to kill.

John is stating that you cannot be clinging to Jesus and having that kind of emotion inside you. This goes back to forgiveness which I talk about in my post on Why Murdering People is Wrong. This echoes the concept from love about action vs emotion. It’s a both/and kind of thing. Scripture instructs us to love those who hate us. Luke 6:27-28 states: “But I say to you who listen: Love your enemies, do what is good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

Hmmm, so we act in love regardles of emotion. When I was in my early 20’s and seeing a counselor, I dealt with some hate and my wise counselor told me to pray for the good of the person who had wronged me. Two things to note here: Anger was mixed in with hate because I had been wronged, and I needed to act regardless of my emotion. Interesting, huh? The more I prayed good for that person, in spite of my emotions, the less that emotion had a grip on me. Now that didn’t mean I wanted a relationship with that person, that is an entirely different topic. I didn’t need to hold on to hate.

There is a flip side. “If the world hates you, understand that it hated Me before it hated you.” (John 15:18). This is so crucial to those of us who are Christ-followers. I want people to like me and not everyone will because I am not everyone’s cup of tea. When there are people who hate me, I need to step back and evaluate.

  • Is it because I have wronged them? If so, I need to apologize for any transgression I have done, intentionally or unintentionally. Having said that, if they don’t inform me and I cannot discern what that perceived wrong is, I can either ask them about it (if it is safe to do so). If I can’t find out the reason, all I can do is pray for them. 
  • Is their hatred of me because of my faith in Jesus Christ? This is sometimes the case. Just because of my faith, someone may despise me, regardless of any personality quirks or choices I’ve made.
    • It helps to understand this because it is too easy to hate someone who has wounded me because of my faith. Oh, they may not claim that is the case but when I pray and evaluate things it might truly be the root of the issue. When I strive to make wise choices based on Scripture or stand for things that God stands for, then peopel will hate me. Jesus said so!
    • The reality is, while they may direct the hate towards me, it is really the Holy Triune God of the universe they have an issue with and I am the convenient target.
    • When I can seperate that out I can pray more effectively for the Holy Spirit to do the work of convicting that person of sin and unrighteousness (John 16:8). That conviction can lead to their salvation even if I never benefit from it.
    • This removes me from carrying the weight of someone hating me. They hate Jesus and I can go to Him with my pain, instead of retaliating, because the world hated him when He walked this earth and the world will hate Him now as the Holy Spirit indwells me.
    • Taking that step back and understanding this can help me let go of any resentment toward that person. I don’t need to hate them, inspite of slanderous words or harmful actions taken. This allows clear-headed thinking when needed because hatred and anger can cloud good judgement.

When we can step back from the emotion we can recognize that any person who we feel hatred for or who hates us, is someone who is hurting and in desperate need of Jesus. Forgiving them is key as well so we can let it go and leave that person in God’s capable hands. Funny how once again the way we think about something can impact our feelings. Jesus is the first and best cognitive behavioral therapist.

Hatred shoved down deep, poisons our relationship with God and others, and can have a harmful impact on our health as well. I’m not a doctor but the kind of stress this emotion created within can, long term, pose serious consequences to our health.

Stepping back a moment to my post last week on The Dangerous Moral High Ground, it is easy to develop hate at a person for holding to a position, or maybe due to cultural differences, or politics. It’s easy to slip into that. I suggest if this is the source of your hate, you might want to revisit that post. It’s not wise to paint all people with a wide brush and lable along with hating them. This can be hard when we see evil at play, even if it doesn’t impact us personally. We should hate evil. That is not a sin. But to hate the people who were created by God? Not healthy.

How have you dealt with hatred? Whether within yourself or on the receiving end from others? What has helped you to move past the grip of that emotion?

The dangerous emotion of hate has a step-brother I will look at next week: Ambivalence.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Anger

Nov18
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Anger

If you are not aware, I have a Masters degree in Couseling Psychology from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School in Deerfield, IL. I have worked in the field of mental health for several years with chronic mental illness clients on disability as well as served in various leadership capacities at my church in the past. I’ve also been on my own mental health journey (aren’t we all?). So how does that relate to writing? Because as an author I am responsible to be theologically biblical as I tell my stories and there are differing opinions on some key emotional concepts. I’m going to address one here and you can disagree with me if you wish but I’m honestly trying to be three things in this article 1) biblically true, 2) aware of my reader’s emotional wellbeing and 3) be brief. For that reason even though there are several of these emotions…I’ll be dealing with them seperately over a few posts.

I heard a teaching recently that made my blood boil. The preacher said that Jesus got angry and it was righteous anger and that was the only kind of anger that is permissible. In essence, if your anger is righteous, meaning you are angry about something that violates God’s law, then it is acceptable. All other anger is sin and destins you to hell.

For some reason, growing up, I had caught the concept that anger was sin. I won’t go into my family of orgin issues, but needless to say as a new believer at the age of fifteen, this caused some difficulty for me. Jesus was God, but He got angry. In my teenage mind that meant He sinned. This resulted in my stuffing down my feelings of hurt, frustration, and anger which then resulted in a variety of health issues. I didn’t understand that anger was an emotion that was part of the human condition because we were made in the image of God. My mind was blown when I finally grasped that Jesus didn’t sin! Whew!

So maybe you can understand why this teaching from the pulpit stirred my righteous indignation at a teaching that denies the very essence of a key part who God created us to be: emotional. This is a communicable attribute of God. We are created in HIS image and part of that is emotion, including anger.

Anger is mentioned 234 times in Scripture and the word angry is mentioned 44 times (based on Strong’s Concordance). The LORD repeatedly expressed anger towards His children who consistantly disobeyed the rules He set out to protect them. God has emotions. He created us with emotions. Those emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are.

Now let’s look a little closer at anger. Ephesians 4:26a states: Be angry, and yet do not sin. Wait. What? Anger is not a sin? It is only what you do with the anger that can be a sin. 

Let’s unpack the emotion of anger. Anger is often part of a continuum of emotions. Sometimes we are angry but it is really hurt or frustration. Anger can become rage. If you think of it as a continuum and expand the concept, anger encompasses a wider range of emotions, and in and of themselves, not a sin. Now if anger becomes rage and you start insulting someone, wishing them ill, or worse, seeking their destruction, then that is the sin.

In Matthew 5:22 it states: “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be answerable to the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be answerable to the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell.”  In this instance the Greek word for anger means to provoke or enrage, or wrath. (Strongs Concordance, 3710). This is a strong anger. Rage. And we all, I hope, can recognize how deadly that can be. There isn’t a term “road rage” without cause.

Let’s go back to Matthew. In this passage, Jesus is speaking against murder, which consists of taking someone’s life and Jesus is taking the action and stating the very thought of that is also sin. Sounds reasonable doesn’t it? Sometimes when we think or feel things strongly, if we don’t confront those thoughts and emotions they can become actions. Jesus is expressing an early version of cognitive behavioral therapy here and going to the root of the issue: our thoughts. Thoughts precede emotion. What we think about something determines our emotions regarding that. Calling someone a derogatory name is also not really anger, it is pride. The person is exalting himself above the other and assuming a superior attitude.  2 Corinthians 10: 5 states: “We are destroying arguments and all arrogance raised against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” Again, another cognitive action because thoughts influence actions, including words.

Who hasn’t struggled with this? We all have have violated the Thou shalt not kill commandment, even in our thoughts. Thankfully, we can repent, change our thinking and by the power of the Holy Spirit, our hearts and emotions as well. Jesus’ death on the cross even covers this sin.

Let’s be honest here. We cannot control what thoughts come into our brain, but we can determine what we do about them. Our brain isn’t always telling us the truth either. We have been fed lies all our lives and some we make up our own. We are to line them up with Scripture and replace those lies with truth.

In summary, anger is not a sin. It is an emotion given to us by God. Anger is a signal to tell us something is wrong. Maybe it comes from hurt, or jealousy, or frustration. We can be angry at ourselves, innanimate objects and, of course, other people. But when we are angry with someone, if it is possible to do so we are to go them and work it out like Matthew 18:15-18 states we should do.

We always need to be discerning about who and what we listen to and evaluate everything against Scripture. However, if confronting the person is not possible, as in this instance, we can talk to God about it, process it without slandering an individual, and pray that God will open this person’s eyes and protect the innocent and less knowledgeble people who heard the message. I am not superior to this preacher by any stretch of the imagination, and I pray God will correct this man by the power of His Spirit. And I will not be listening to his false teaching.

How does this relate to writing? Obviously, my characters experience a range of emotions but I need to be clear where that crosses into sin. Even if I don’t use scripture, I can help a reader understand that our emotions are given to us by God, but we can work to overcome them leading us into sin.

It does grieve me the damage teachings like this does to people. This isn’t the only one. I’ll be dealing with lust next. The dangerous emotion of anger hopefully has been dispelled. Be angry and sin not is a process we all need to work on and with the power of the Holy Spirit we can be victorious. We can feel our emotions, confront the underlying thought, and move past it to freedom.

Author Confessions: Too Much Heart

Sep23
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Too Much Heart

I’ve been talking about a lot of words but the past few posts were about verbs. Let me spend some time talking about the most overused word I’ve found (and have used in my own writing) in romantic fiction.

Heart.

Her heart raced.

She treasured it in her heart.

Her heart sped up.

Her heart ached.

Because emotion is often centered in our heart, authors tend to focus on that alone when they describe scenes. However, there is an entire body that can react to emotion and the book The Emotion Thesaurus can be helpful regardless of whether the emotion is love, jealousy, anger, loneliness… I highly recommend any author purchase that book and the companion pieces on positive and negative traits.   They are valuable resources. Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi have some more in the series that I just ordered and look forward to having on my bookshelf as resources.

Let’s try some different ways to say the examples above:

“Her heart raced.” Let’s try this instead: She couldn’t catch her breath.

“She treasured it in her heart.” How about: She closed her eyes to capture the moment.

“Her heart sped up.” Maybe instead: She placed a hand on her chest in a futile attempt to calm herself.

“Her heart ached.” Perhaps this: Tears welled in her eyes and she blinked back the tears.

Caveat:

You don’t have to eliminate every instance of the word heart in your prose. Especially when a character is speaking or perhaps texting or writing something. We often tend to use the word heart, but there is an entire physical and emotional body of description to draw on to add depth and color to your story and keep the reader engaged. Avoid writing with too much heart, at least in terms of words. I hope your efforts to put words on the page are filled with an overflowing passion for your work-in-progress.

Time is Precious

Dec25
Reading Time: 4 minutes

We sing songs about this being the most wonderful time of the year. Sure there is a sense of awe, and the lights are beautiful but for many there is another empty chair at the table, or someone they can no longer place a call to and say “Merry Christmas.”

Christmas isn’t always merry. I’m sure that first Christmas wasn’t even quiet. We sing Silent Night on Christmas Eve, but let’s be real. Giving birth, no matter where you do it, is rarely quiet, and you hope it won’t be when a baby is born. We want to hear that cry. Imagine that, the Savior was born and the first sound out of his mouth was a cry. The Word of God had no words.

And today, there might be tears for some people. Loneliness will flare as they miss someone they love. Whether that person passed away, or perhaps has chosen to hold on to anger and resentment and refuse to engage in a relationship.

Losing people we love makes you stop and take notice, doesn’t it? Every day is a gift and we need to cherish the moments we have with the people we love. For those who are alive and refusing a relationship with a family member will find that letting resentment fester will only breed regret. When death comes, they will never have the opportunity to resolve the issues that seperated them from someone they currently despise. No more opportunity to forgive and extend that forgiveness.

There are people I know who have cut themselves off, believed lies, and instead of getting the truth or making the time, will not have any contact with someone biologically close. In many ways this is a blessing. The toxicity of those individuals would make having any kind of relationship more of a “walking on eggshells” type of thing. But family is family and sometimes you set boundaries on just how much time and effort you put into those relationships. To cut someone off without at least trying to let them know why, or what they have done, does not help anyone. It is not love.

Families are messy. Every person growing up in a home has grown up in a different family. Every interaction or perspective is only from their point of view and therefore skewed, but often we think that our “truth” is the only right perspective.

I took a trip with my mom in October to visit The Creation Museum and The Ark Encounter in Kentucky. A one day drive there, a day at each place, and a day’s drive back. We have never spent that much time together one-on-one and it was good. We laughed and we also shared deeply personal stuff–things we’d never told each other before. I learned things about her childhood I didn’t know and it helped me understand her better. She understood a little more some of my choices and wounds. I will treasure that memory of our time together and am intentional to be more in touch than I was when I was younger.

Other members of our famly won’t call, or text, much less have a conversation. I feel sorry for them because they don’t know what they are missing. Someday, reality will hit hard and hopefully they will understand the truth they refused to believe about the family member they’ve spurned. I’m being cryptic here to protect people. Someday, the spurned person will die. It happens to all of us. What then? Will they come to the funeral and spill their vitriol there? Or will they have an awakening at some point and face regrets over never taking the time to understand the choices that other person made–or the woundedness that was lying under the surface? I don’t envy them the grief that will be compounded when they realize the wrong they’ve done by their actions–or lack thereof.

Relationships take effort, time, and humility. Selfishness destroys the most precious gifts God gives us–each other.

Adult children should grow up to be adults, and relate to their parents as such, while showing them the honor due their role. Sure, respect is something a person earns but everyone should have at least a core respect for the dignity an individual created in the image of God. That includes all of us.  God does take notice of those who fail to do this. In a way there’s a double curse on those children who spurn a parent or are even outright hostile to them without just cause. Especially those children who claim to love Jesus.

This isn’t a feel good post on this Christmas Day, but I wanted to honor those who are hurting. Those who feel the deep wounds of rejection by someone on this day of all days. Or who are missing someone who they lost to death.

God sees. He is Emmanuel, God with us. Even if others are not, He promises to never leave us. Hold tight to Him and like our home, we will wait for Him to vindicate those who have been slandered and spurned. We pray for repentance and reconciliation, but realize we may never see it because those individuals have free will. Time is precious and fleeting and we only pray they realize that, and turn from their bitterness. Before it’s too late.

If you are hurting this Christmas, I hope it is a comfort to realize you’re not alone in struggling with the season. Make the most of the wonderful grace and provision God has given us even if there is hurt lingering around the Christmas tree. Celebrate the One who came to free us from the wages of sin and death and anticipate the day when there will be no more tears and grieving.

I pray you have a blessed Christmas, and treasure those relationships you do have. Time is precious. Make the most of those moments.