Tag Archive | dangerous emotion

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Abandonment

Apr14
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Abandonment

Since I wrote about betrayal last week, let’s consider a sister to it: Abandonment. Abandonment is another one of those lousy emotions that can truly wound someone who trusted in an unworthy person.

The first image that comes to mind is that of a dog. We’ve probably all seen pictures of abandonded dogs. I had one rescue who had been found abandoned on a street in Texas. He was pretty old but we’re not sure how old, and he was potty trained. Cooper was a little larger than your average Lhasa Apso and was sweet and playful. He did well with our other senior dog but became the best dog when he was the only dog. Not sure why anyone would have abandoned him, I believe our love helped him forget.

Dogs can recover from abandonment fairly easily if they weren’t also abused. Obviously, Cooper was in good health and well-behaved and bonded quickly with us. You can see his joy in one of my favorite photos of him. We miss him.

Abandonment can be both emotional and physical. With dogs, it’s usually physical. But in relationships, even in a marriage, it can be emotional if one has detatched from the relationship.

The new term is probably “ghosting.” That’s when someone cuts off communication without warning. That is still abandonment if there had been some trust established. Now, in the instance of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse, no contact is a good rule to follow. However, if that is not the case it is an easy way out for one person but could be devestating for someone else.

People with Borderline Personality Disorders often have a deep fear of abandonment which can lead to them being difficult and clingy and sometimes irrationally demanding. They have a host of other issues that are combined with this, but it is an extreme that can make it hard to reciprocate a relationship. That would the dangerous part.

Healthy relationships should be reciprocal. Give and take. Not by a tally system of who owes who what, but a generosity of spirit and trust. When that is broken and the relationship suddenly ended, it can be a deep wound for the one left behind, whether it is a child or adult.

Betrayal can accompany abandonment as can be experienced in some divorces that surprise a spouse. That can leave deep wounds if they had no idea the marriage was in trouble. Or if the instigator is leaving for another person. Ouch.

Abandonment at it’s core, hurts our ability to trust another person. In milder cases, it can be a tool that helps an individual to be more choosy in who they trust and invest their time and emotion into. The dangerous extremes are when someone refuses to bond with another person ever again, or even worse, becomes so clingy they perpetuate the cycle.

The individuals that have the hardest time recovering from these wounds are children. Foster care to adoption can be a wonderful healing process but it can take a long time to learn they are worthy of love.

Abandonment can lead to self hate if the individual left behind decides it was all their fault. Of course, when any relationship ends, it is good to assess what went wrong and where you might want to change your choices of actions and words for the future. However, to pour on yourself a heap of hatred and full-blame, is never healthy.

With the dangerous emotion of abandonment, I’m going back to dogs. Learning to trust again can happen in spite of abandonment with the help of therapy. Remember, a good counselor can help or good friends to help one process the loss. I remember at the end of my first marriage someone saying to me. “Just because he couldn’t love you, doesn’t mean you’re not loveable.” All these years later I remember those powerful words. Eventually, I found someone who loved me just as I was, imperfect but perfect for him. I was (and continue to be) blessed with constant reminders of how much I’m loved. Trust was easy to build and he’s needed some of those same messages from me.

The words from the Old Testament, in Deuteronomy 31:6 should offer comfort to anyone who has experienced abandonment. “Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them. For it is the Lord your God who goes with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. (HCSB)” God will never abandon those who trust in Him.

The dangerousness in the emotion of abandonment is when the person fails to process and learn from the end of a relationship and develop a wisdom with whom to trust in the future. That can take time. I would also suggest that if you do need to end a relationship, even if the person has been horrible, it is better to let them know in some way, even if it needs to be by text or email if they are toxic, than to just ghost them.

How have you coped with the dangerous emotion of abandondment or where have you seen it leave deep wounds?

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Betrayal

Apr7
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Betrayal

I was talking to someone the other day who had suffered trauma as a result of the unexpected actions of a former spouse. He was discussing this and I finally said, “I think what you are trying to describe is betrayal.”

It was like a sucker punch to him. Naming our emotions and realizing how they truly impact us, can be difficult and painful, but it is also important.

The word betray isn’t in Scripture too often, it is referenced in repeatedly in relation to one person: Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus.

Jesus was suffering from a variety of emotions before He was betrayed, arrested and tortured. I would suspect that even though he understood this was going to happen, it was a deep cut to His soul that someone he had trusted and poured into for three years would do this. It was essential for God’s purposes to be fulfilled but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

Betrayal can wound us deeply but like many emotions, it is more dangerous when it is unacknowledged. When we can name the emotion and feel the pain, although gut-wrenching, we can then move past the “victim” stage and move on into a new life without that person.

Betrayal that is buried and not properly grieved, because it signifies the death of a relationship, can twist a person up inside and lead to self-doubt, self-recriminations, victimhood, paralysis, and self-abasement. The danger in betrayal, whether buried or acknowledged, is the desire for justice and retaliation. God says He will vindicate those who harm us. David wrote: “Vindicate me, God, and defend my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from the deceitful and unjust man. For You are the God of my refuge. (Psalm 45:1a HCSB)”

It is entirely possible that the betrayal isn’t truly about the individual betrayed, but what they stand for: Jesus. He said to His disciples in John 15:18-19: “If the world hates you, understand that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own. However, because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of it, the world hates you.”

Betrayal is a unique wounding not only because it signifies the loss of a relationship, but also a loss of trust one had in at least one individual. We are to be wise in who we trust, and betrayal calls into question our judgement. We are to always trust God who will never betray us. We may have been blind to the evil in that person but we should be glad we discovered it. While the level of betrayal can vary, the injury is the same. We need to be careful in the future then of who we trust in and might need counseling to learn perhaps the signs of people who are not safe for us to be in relationship with.

If someone betrays someone else, take that as a red flag and do not trust them. Just like with gossip (which is a verbal betrayal), or adultery (a sexual betrayal), or personal theft (a financial betrayal), if someone is willing to do that about someone else, be assured they might do it to you. Beware of those people. Paul gives this warning to Timothy:

For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, without love for what is good, traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to the form of godliness but denying its power. Avoid these people! (1 Tim 3:2-5)

Betrayal of you, if you are a follower of God, is also a betrayal of the Lord Who called you to be His follower. It is always wise to search inside for any hidden sin that might have contributed to that but the offender is responsible for his or her own actions before God.

Betrayal buried or denied can lead to more pain in the long run. It can lead to an individual being stuck helpless as a victim instead of moving past this horrific event to mature and become wiser, to rise above as a victor. Betrayal acknowledged and our pain submitted to God, can be a turning point for us in growing in wisdom and trust in the God who will never betray those who are truly His and seeking His face.

Can a relationship be redeemed after betrayal? Anything is possible with God but that doesn’t mean that the victim in this situation returns as if nothing ever happened. We are commanded to forgive, even if there is no apology or reconciliation but that does not equate to a relationship. Trust needs to be earned over time and the person who was offended has every right to put limits and conditions and be cautious with the level of trust given to the offender. That is not a lack of forgiveness but an act of wisdom and protection.

Final note. Just because someone sets limits on your relationship doesn’t equal betrayal. It may have more to do with them than it does with you. Respect the boundary and if they have cut back on trust, reciprocation is possibly wise. Sometimes we need again to check ourselves to make sure our actions haven’t unwittingly precipitated that boundary, and maybe we have some growing to do as a result. If you find yourself betrayed by a boundary, and angry at that, it says more about you, than it does about them.

Have you been betrayed? How have you recovered from that? It can leave deep wounds that time, prayer, discussing it with a trusted friend or therapist, can help with. Grieve the loss, forgive the person, and move forward with your life. The dangerous emotion of betrayal doesn’t have to define us forever. God never wastes our pain.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Moral High Ground

Feb24
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Moral High Ground

My husband and I have been slowly watching Midsummer Murders and it has become a competition to guess correctly just “who did it.” At the end of Season 15, Episode 1 “The Dagger Club,” I was struck by a line uttered toward the end when the character Audrey Braylesford, played by Una Stubbs, justifies a decision because, “The view is better from the moral high ground.” That might not be an exact quote but it’s close.

At first I thought, “Wow, how generous for her not take what was rightfully hers, even if it was won by nefarious means.” The more I mull it over I think many of us struggle because we want to be on the moral high ground. It sounds like a great position to be in, doesn’t it?

We see this in politics especially, not just the politicians but those who support them. Each side thinks they are morally superior for taking the stance they do. Sometimes those positions are against the other side based on faulty facts or misguided perceived virtues. They would look at my position from the same angle, I’m sure.

I’m not going to go into any of that specifically because I do not want to start a war here. While I have some firmly head beliefs, I can understand why someone would hold an opposing view given that they may not have the same starting point or value system. That’s understandable. It also means that I need to own that I could be wrong and need to be open to looking at a subject from all angles.

Claiming the moral high ground is dangerous because it elevates us above others. It gives us importance. It is a superiority stance that happens not only in politics, but in divorces, church splits, and in the dissolving of friendships. It can be used as a weapon to get others to obey and agree with a plan of action or position.

The moral high ground, while it seems benign, is quite dangerous. Personally I don’t like heights. Not heights particularly, but the fall from them scares me, and that should be the case here as well. The moral high ground sets someone up for a fall. Why?

Underlying the moral high ground is pride. The snake in the garden weilded the moral high ground over Adam and Eve, tricking them into disobeying God’s one boundary on paradise: Not to eat from the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The end result was rampant sin that impacted all of creation as well as the first death among many.

There is danger in the moral high ground because it sounds so good, but it can be filled with subtle lies that deceive. Once exposed, it can lead to devestation. A fall.

The dangerous moral high ground has no positive attributes. It might feel satisfying to claim that hill. Dying on it might not be quite what one expects.

What is the alternative? A posture of humility. I may seek to live a moral life but I recognize that I myself am often a hypocrite, even if only in my thoughts. I might say or even realize that one course of action or piece of knowledge is beneficial and then do the opposite.

Pride can lead to hedonism. Making one’s own happiness and success an idol to pursue. It is worship of self in many cases. Taking the moral high ground is putting one’s needs above everyone else’s. The moral high ground can be used as a weapon, even subtly.

This is opposite of a relationship with Jesus. He met the woman at the well, and didn’t condemn her. He could have taken the moral high ground. He is after all King of kings and LORD of lords. He didn’t. He chose compassion and went to the heart of her deepest need. He didn’t give her any advice she didn’t ask for and never addressed her sin other than stating that He knew the details, but again without condemnation. At least I assume that to be true since she eagerly told everyone about Him. Obviously, tone of voice is not discernable in the Bible. Same was true with the adulterous woman brought to be stoned. In John 8:7, Jesus tells all these men, “The one without sin among you should be the first to throw a stone at her.” He could have asked where the man was whom she was in bed with. According to the law both were to be stoned. He didn’t. The men disappeared. Jesus asked her if anyone had condemned her. No one. “Neither do I condemn you,” said Jesus. “Go, and from now on do not sin anymore.” Compassion instead of condemnation. Quite the revelation, isn’t it? 

Where do you cling to the moral high ground? I think the reason that line in a television show struck me is because it was unexpected from that character. A well-written line is also something I admire as an author. However, I’m kind of glad it stuck with me so I could take a closer look at it.

The moral high ground would be the equivalent of the “high places” mentioned over 60 times in the Old Testament of the Bible. It is an idol and detracts from worshipping God. My faith is not a strict line of rules and regulations as it was in the Old Testament. It is a relationship. My decisions and choices should be the result not of how great I am but how much I desperately need Jesus. Clinging to the moral high ground must grieve the Holy Spirit since we as humans can make our positions more important than our relationships, especially the one we have with Jesus.

I can still have my convictions but I need to recognize that some of them are preferences.

The question is this. Is it a salvation issue? If not then it doesn’t matter what clothing you wear to church, or how long or short your hair is for a man or woman, or what style of worship music you listen to. It is amazing how we can cling to minor issues and make them bigger than they really are. We are to look beyond the outward appearance just as Samuel did when choosing, at God’s leading, David to be the king of Israel. Or Jesus at the well with the Samaritan woman. Her past sins did not define her value as someone who Jesus loved and cared about because she was made in the image of God.

The ground is level at the foot of the cross. Jesus died on a hill but everyone standing under that cross was on level ground as we are all sinful from birth. His truly perfect moral high ground came a deadly cost to save us from our sins. Everyone around us is there figuratively at the foot of that cross and if we are too high up our own moral hill, we cannot lead them there as our fellow human beings. It is fine to have a firmly held conviction, especially if that’s what God leads you to, and it doesn’t violate Scripture. It is not good to expect everyone to agree with it.

What do you think about the moral high ground? Has any of this struck a cord? I suspect it is something we all struggle with at some level and need to repent of. I pray God can keep us from the dangerous moral high ground and focus instead on Jesus so that His Holy Spirit can freely lead and guide us on the unique path He has for each of us.

 

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Grief

Feb17
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Grief

I mentioned last week in my post on the dangerous emotion of love that those who love deeply, feeling a depth of affection for someone, grieve deeply.

Grief, as opposed to love, is that not so good feeling that can weigh us down. It can combine regrets, anger, and even in some cases relief.

Relief? When there is a long illness and a lot of medical issues, doctor appointments, bills, or difficult decisions, then the end of those challenges along with the end of the suffering of a person we love, can result in relief. We still grieve as we miss them terribly but then wishing them to remain while in such depths of suffering is ultimately selfish, isn’t it? Not that we want to hasten death, but when it finally comes it is almost a welcome end for that individual who has suffered. And for those who suffered alongside them.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross defined five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are not necessarily linear going in order, nor do they have a time frame. The dangerous part is when someone gets stuck in the first four parts. Even with acceptance there is sorrow, sometimes deep gut-wrenching sorrow, but the individual can resume life without that person even though they will forever be missed and remembered. If you or someone you know is struggling with grief,  Grief Share is a powerful  ministry that helps people process their grief and loss so that they can move forward in life.

We can grieve more than just the death of an individual whether it be a spouse, child, grandparent, friend… We can grieve lost dreams, a pet, our health, a home, a break-up of a relationship that was dear to us, painful trauma from the past, the loss of innocence, and even our own sin. 2 Corinthians 7:10 states: “For godly grief produces a repentance not to be regretted and leading to salvation, but worldly grief produces death.”

Grief is a healthy emotion when we allow ourselves to express that through tears and talking about memories or regrets. It becomes dangerous when we try to numb the grief with alcohol, drugs, food, or sex, or perhaps something else. They are only temporary bandaids. Grief might expose other issues that need to be deal with like family-of-origin issues, abandonment, and coming to terms with our own mortality.

Grief can be held on to almost as a comfort as one might forget the person lost, or fear they will be dishonoring them by moving on with life. Choosing to be a victim of grief can be deblitating socially as well as emotionally, especially if the person was perhaps co-dependent on the one now gone. It can deeply wound a sense of identity and that may require counseling to wrestle through and define a new way of moving forward in life.

Grief can be dangerous when accompanied by trauma as well. Again, therpy, especially trauma-based therapy, might prove helpful.

Grief is complex and I am only giving a cursory glance at it here. If it is something you or someone you know are struggling with, get connected wtih Grief Share or a therapist who can help you move forward.

Those who have faith in Jesus will still grieve. Even Jesus wept at Lazarus’s grave, but was that for Lazarus or for those surrounding him who were grieving because they failed to see the Savior in their midst? 1 Thessalonians 4:13 states: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope.”

Whether we lose a person, a relationship or anything else, if we get stuck in grief we are failing to look to the Creator and Sustainer of life Who is always orchestrating everything according to His perfect will. Our suffering is temporary and no loss is without a greater purpose in His plans for us. 2 Corinthians 1:4 states: “He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” Now I confess that when I was in deeply painful situation that verse did not offer me comfort. Having said that, I have seen God use others and myself move past grief to purpose and multiple opportunities to be there to support others as they go through suffering.

Grief is a healthy emotion when expressed and worked through, often with some help and comfort from others. There is hope for those who walk with Jesus as the Holy Spirit is a comforter to us in our sorrows. The dangerous emotion of grief occurs when an individual gets stuck there, stuffs their emotions down, or self-medicates to forget. How have you dealt with grief? Have you struggled with this? What helped you most?

I explored the dangerous emotion of grief in my book Bratwurst and Bridges. 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Regret

Jan27
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Regret

Regret is akin to guilt although it is self-reflective. We are looking at the past and proclaiming guilty judgement over things we did or didn’t do.

I had people ask me if I regretted marrying my first husband. While I sometimes feel shame (that’s next week) for the immature neediness that led me to that decision, I cannot regret it. Why? Because if I regretted it, I wouldn’t have my four children (one is in heaven). While raising children is hard, and a difficult marriage is painful, there was a lot of growth that took place in me emotionally and spiritually as I sought God and help from a wise counselor. I wouldn’t be able to write or encourage people the way I do if I hadn’t walked that path.

Regret can be a test before making a decision. However, it is hard to forecast what you might think and feel about a decision or choice years in the future. For instance, when marrying the sweet husband I have now: “If I have sex before marriage, would I regret it?” For me, the answer was “Yes.” In hindsight, I am doubly grateful we waited. It was not easy. I think if I had answered that differently, I would have regretted it.

Regrets can be good if it helps us make amends or seek to reconcile relationships that may have been cut off, even if not by ourselves.

When I start to feel regret that I remind myself that I did the best I could with what I knew and all along I was seeking God. He works things together for HIS good and in His perfect timing. I could feel sad about things that happened, and that is good and right to do. There are things to grieve (a post for another week). I do not need to regret following God through those difficult years because He never abandoned me.

Trying to live a life without regrets can become an idol if we put that ahead of what God is calling us to do which might involve taking risks, or making decisions that might be counterintuitive to those around us (but not sin!). There’s a bit of a tightrope there, isn’t there?

I hope that when I am old I can look back and not have regret because my focus won’t be on mistakes I made, that God used in spite of my failures, but that I will look back and see His fingerprint throughout my life and find comfort in realizing He understood all along who I was then, who I am now, and who I will be when I am face to face with Him. There will be no regrets then, but perfect peace.

Do you hold on to regrets? What helps you let go of the dangerous emotion of regret?

Next week I’ll wade into the dangerous emotion of shame.