Tag Archive | emotions

Author Confessions: When Someone Is Stuck in Sin

Jul7
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: When Someone Is Stuck in Sin

After writing last week’s post, I realized that some might say that I’m glossing over sin when I talk about counseling someone. We all get stuck and when emotions run hot sometimes confronting sin is not the first thing to do in that moment.

Counseling is part skill, part knowledge, and a large part empathy and being sensitive to the moment. As a Christian with a bibilical world-view it also means weighting everything against the truths of Scripture. Confronting sin is important if one is a Christian and truly loves the person you are speaking with. This often needs to involve trust. In America, we gloss over a lot of sin, even in the church, so where do you draw the line? Much like the Pharisees, we often like make other things that aren’t sin, just as bad as sin, or emphasize certain sins over others. I don’t have space here to give examples but I can assure you I’m as guilty as anyone. You can check out this post.

Someone who is abused while engaged in prostitution has definitely been guilty of fornication or sexual immorality, but if you first focus on that sin, you’ve lost the person and any opportunity to help them. How did they get in that position? Were they vulnerable and forced? Did they feel trapped? If they don’t know Jesus, by harping on sin you’ve pushed them away. Jesus didn’t do that with the woman at the well or the woman caught in adultery. He loved and accepted them where they were at before saying anything about sin. The Holy Spirit convicts of sin and unrighteousness. Now talking about the reality of sin an help, but if we want repentance over a certain sin without looking at the bigger picture of what has happened? Talking about sin in that situation will fall flat.

If you are in a car accident, your fault or not, the last thing you want is someone handing you a present and insisting you open and accept it in that moment. No. You need the paramedics do their thing. We are human after all and when physical or emotional pain is high, we can’t always register a spiritual need as well. Now if the person is dying and they realize it – lead them to Christ in the moment if you can because they will find healing on the other side.

Confronting sin in counseling, or in relationships, doesn’t need to include condenmation. Who are we to point a finger when we all sin daily in big and small ways, and often without even realizing it? Yet it still needs to be done. Even small sinful patterns can lead to bigger ones. This can have a devestating impact on others, especially children, and trickle down for generations if not stopped.

Bible-Only Counseling

I’ve heard so many stories of how couples have been terribly wounded by a Bible-only pastor who focused on sin and decided that one person in a marriage was sinning and the other one was blameless. I’ve seen marriages destroyed by this kind of counsel and oftentimes one or both have left the church. Did they abandon Jesus? Maybe, maybe not, but the shepherds didn’t take care of their flock like they should have. Not all pastors are equipped to deal with things like: trauma, verbal, emotional, physical abuse or neglect, or a narcissistic spouse (which would indicate that counseling both people at once would be inadvisable).

If you are willing to take something for a headache, or get an antibiotic, or go to a doctor, much of that information has been discovered by general revelation. General revelation doesn’t depend on the inventor’s faith story to make it something we use. The same is true with counseling. Scripture first, definitely, but denying the general revelation that is still be discovered that can help any of us be emotionally AND spiritually healthy, should be embraced. A person can’t have true spirtual growth without emotional growth. They are intimately connected. Denying or minimizing the emotional part of who we are is to deny who God created us to be and to deny our Creator who has emotions as well. Do they rule us? No. But God often uses them for His glory.

Church wounds can be a special kind of trauma and it’s hard to know where to go when that happens because you don’t want to gossip or badmouth a bad pastor or church, nor does an individual want to tarnish the message of the cross or Christ Himself, so often they suffer in silence and are too afraid to try again.

Confronting sin should be done with much prayer and a deep inner soul searching. Living life in a community of biblically grounded individuals who understand that truth and grace need to walk hand in hand, can help. My newer SUV has a blinker to give me a cue that somone is in my blind spot. Having godly people in our lives can help us with our blind spots towards sin.

We point out sin because we love someone and we want to protect them from the harm that sin, when left unchecked, can do in their lives. We care too much to let them continue and we walk along side to encourage them on their path. We admonish and love them like we hope they will do to us. That’s why God put us in community. When someone is stuck in sin they are often also stuck emotionally and need our prayer, love and support.

 

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Hope

May5
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Hope

Why and how could hope ever be considered dangerous?

Hopelessness

Many years ago, I recieved a gift from a wise mentor mom. It was a Christmas candle that spelled out HOPE. She said, “I realized that this is what you need most right now-HOPE.” Now I had faith and hope in Jesus and complete trust in His salvation, but I lacked hope that He who is able, would not rescue me from the painful circumstances of my life. I believed God was good, but doubted He would be good to me. I would reason that there were people far worse off than I was (and therefore more worthy of rescue?), and that in spite of my salvation found in Jesus, I was no more special than anyone else needing help. I didn’t deserve that kind of grace.

Psychology talks about learned helplessness which can lead to hopelessness. The sensation that I had no agency to change my circumstances and therefore I was helpless and hopeless. Depression makes that worse, as well as some chronic health issues. Fatigue, poverty, abuse, can eradicate hope.

When that mom gave me that candle, I began to realize I had abandoned hope. I was hopeless in my situation. Hope wasn’t easily found. That one word HOPE eventually led me down a better path when it refocused on my need for it.

Hope Deferred

We can hope for many things. Rescue, a new home, a long-awaited child, healing from an illness. Nothing is too big or small for God to be concerned with. When we don’t understand His timing, the hope seems so far off, and we can lose hope. Not necessarily to the point of hopelessness, but we can doubt it. Hebrews 11:1 states: “Now faith is the certainty of things hoped for, a proof of things not seen.” Hope is closely tied into our faith in Jesus. We can all struggle with doubt at different points in our lives. Proverbs 12:12 describes it this way: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Hope is always about a future event or thing. In essence, it is about something deferred. Hope is the present time of expection, but when we lose that expectation it is grief to the soul.

Hope in the Wrong Things

Psalm 33:17 states: “A horse is a false hope for victory; Nor does it rescue anyone by its great strength.” How often do we put our hope in things that don’t last? The perfect spouse, kids, family, eductation, job, car, home, health, our talents and gifts. God guarantees none of those things. There are people living in third world countries that experience greater joy and hope than we do in America because we are faced with so many shiny objects and ideas to put our hope in. Where are you placing your hope? What is it that you truly hope for?

True Hope

The author of Hebrews wrote: “This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and reliable.” (Heb 6: 19a) I love that image of an anchor, holding us fast to Jesus and all His promises. When we place our ultimate hope in HIM, we can experience great freedom and joy. The apostle Paul wrote: “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints.” (Eph 1:18) What a prayer to pray for yourself and others.

We can hope for good weather for a picnic or family reunion. We can hope that God will heal someone. We can hope for a good night of rest. None of those are inherently bad, but when we expect immediate results then we can be in trouble. If our hope is in God, we will ultimately want HIM above all to be active in leading, guiding and working in and through us. Paul prays in Romans 13:15 “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Hope is an anchor but it also gives us wings to head into the future with joy and expectation. Our ultimate hope is our coming face to face with Jesus and hearing “Well done, good and faithful servant.” That should be a hope we strive for, and we can only accomplish that hope by the power of the Holy Spirit who is alive and at work within us the moment we receive Christ as Savior and Lord.

Where is your hope today? Where have you struggled with the dangerous emotion of hope? As human beings, filled with emotions, they can make or break us, but I hope reviewing this will help you recenter on the Source of hope, Jesus.

 “Let’s hold firmly to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.”Hebrews 10:13

 

 

Author Confessions: Secondary Losses

Mar31
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Secondary Losses

Since I wrote about secondary gains last week I figured it was time for secondary losses.

These are the things that can accompany a significant loss.

For instance, when a person is widowed, they lose their spouse, the person most important to them in the world. However, they might also lose some relationships who are couples that the man and wife used to connect with. They might lose financial security that spouse provided. The might lose a caregiver if that was a role the deceased spouse took in the relationship. That is a secondary loss. Relationships change. Their entire life is changed. That is why they often suggest a widow or widower not sell their house that first year because they are too vulnerable and might be taken advantage of. Eventually the memories can become a comfort instead of a reminder of deep pain.

A child of a deceased parent might also suffer secondary losses: the lack of time they had hoped to experience things with that individual, the lack of opportunity to learn from them, and in many instances, the lack of time to restore a broken relationship.

This is also true of divorce where people feel they need to choose sides. There a financial loss but they may lose their home, financial stability, relationships with their children (depending on age and who gets primary placement), friendships, and the connection they may have had with the ex’s family. Divorce is always painful and difficult but it also has gains as well: freedom to heal if there was abuse.

Losing a baby due to miscarriage is a horrible thing to live through, but it is more the loss of the hopes and dreams that were held by the parent that makes the grief more difficult to bear.

Losing an infant or an older child is equally gut-wrenching. The secondary losses though are the change in the home missing that individual, the change in relationships as everyone goes through the grieving process but everyone’s grief is unique, and also the loss of all the hopes and dreams that parent had for that child, including the death of the dreams that child had for him or herself.

When a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness, there is the looming loss for that individual as well as the family. But there are other losses as well: hopes and dreams of growing old together, perhaps missing significant events they looked forward to (a child or grandchild’s graduation or wedding), financial stability as medical bills take their toll, the inability for the relationship to be as reciprocal, the distancing of some who don’t know how to deal with it. That’s just a few possible secondary losses.

A friend got help for her husband with dementia as she could no longer care for him at home. Loss – dementia. Gain – help and a safe place to live. Secondary loss – her housing told her that since there were no longer two people in that residence, she would need to move.

Often times we can take changes in stride but it is worth acknowledging the complexity. When someone suffers a loss, whether yourself or someone else, keep in mind that there is more than one thing they are losing.

An individual who has suffered trauma, loses perhaps even the control of when that will hit them again. They might lose their innocence. They might become helpless in the face of strong physical or emotional pain. It is easy to stay hidden from the world to avoid that, but ultimately that produces even more losses. It is exciting that there are now more trauma-centered therapies that can help people process through that. The trauma will probably never go away, but the individual’s ability to live a life in spite of that will greatly improve which can come with many gains. (I explore that in the book: Operation: Skirmish)

With secondary gains, there is an incentive emotionally for an individual to remain stuck. This could happen with losses as well as getting attention for that loss can keep an individual stuck in their grief. Telling them to “get over it and move on,” will only cause them to dig in deeper to that victim mentality.

What about when something good happens? Major life changes do not happen in a vacuum.

A man gets a promotion with great insurance and benefits. That might result in loss of the relationships he’d developed in his current position. If it involves a move, the entire family, while gaining more financial security, might lose the connections they had at work, school, or church.

We so often focus on one thing, but any significant change in our lives has a ripple effect and some of that is positive and some of it is sad.

The birth of a child is a wonderful thing but it comes with a loss as well, loss of freedom, sleep, space, and finances. It also changes the marriage (if the parents are together) for better or worse.

No matter what we face in life, we have an opportunity to feel all the emotions but even if we need help with that, we can move past it and avoid the victim mentality.

Where have you perhaps overlooked secondary losses in your life? What secondary losses surprised you?

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotions of Ambivalence and Apathy

Mar10
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Ambivalence and Apathy

Two emotions in one post? I must be crazy. However these are probably not emotions often talked about and I think I can handle a two-for-one special today!

Ambivalence

The dangerous emotion of ambivalence is a contradictary mix of emotions: love/hate, caring/disinterest. Some of this is a natural by product of any relationship. We can deeply love someone but also hate certain things they do even if they are not sin. That might be a decision we disagree with, or political posture they take (this can be hard in the USA!). This can end up with one emotion growing larger than the other and this is where the danger comes, when it swings one way or the other.

Scripture teaches that love never fails or love conquers all depending on the translation (1 Cor 13). 1 Peter 4:8 states: “Above all, maintain an intense love for each other, since love covers a multitude of sins.” Woah. Love covering sin is having an attitude of forgiveness. Love in action forgives sin, especially in a relationship with another person. It not mean avoiding any acknowledgement of sin, not confronting sin, or allowing sinful acts to continue. If we truly love someone and value them as a person made in the image of God, we should confront sin.

Now I’m not saying we go around judging everyone (that moral high ground again) but when we see sinful patterns it is good to discuss those and bring them out in the open and even get to the root of the issue that might be underneath. Good counseling can help in many instances. Get help alone (not couples therapy) if there is verbal/emotional/financial/physical abuse or a narcissitic spouse. Ambivalence is dangerous when in cases of abuse the love wins out over protecting oneself and getting help. I’m not promoting divorce. Don’t let let a false sense of love lead to unwise emotional or physical choices.

That “multitude of sins,” could also refer to quirks and idosyncracies we all have whether we want ot admit it or not. My husband will ask why I’m so kind to him. I tell him that if I ever get upset or irritated when he does something that is just “him” and it is not sin, I remember that this personality that makes up the man I married, is who God made him to be. I need to realize that and accept him as he is. Not necesesarily ambivialence, although maybe in that moment until I adjust my attitude to be one of love. Now, if he really is getting on my nerves or is going to far (he loves to joke around) I let him know. He has to adjust to my quirks and moods as well.

Ambivalence isn’t as dangerous as it is a signal that perhaps we need to figure out why and work our way back to the more positive emotions. The danger in the emotion of ambivalence is if we allow it to continue for a long period of time.

Apathy

The dangerous emotion of apathy is marked by a lack of emotion. Detatchment. Not caring. No empathy. In many ways this seems worse than hatred. If I hate someone there is a strong emotion attached to it. I care, but am not happy about something the person did. If I’m apathetic, I don’t care at all. This should not be the case in close relationships as it undermines any sense of unity and love we would want in a healthy friendship or marriage.

Apathy, in the sense of detachment, might be necessary for emotional survival in the case of narcissitic/verbal/emotional/phyisical/financial abuse like I mentioned above. In this case it is a healthy way to protect oneself from someone who does not have our best interests at heart. This might end in cutting off a friendship, blocking or restricting someone on social media, or not sharing your life with that person if they are not “safe” for you. Not answering the phone or a text. When someone has abused or in other ways broken trust, detatchment may be the healthiest thing to do. As long as you can do that without harboring emotions of resentment or hatred toward that person. Let them go and let God deal with them.

In many ways apathy is the saddest of the emotions because it is an indication of the death of a connection to another person.

Side note: Depression can result in apathy so be careful not to just cut off a relationship if you struggle with depression and you are unable to parse out whether your lack of interest is due to the “blues” or something is wrong in the relationship. When a depressed person experiences apathy it is usually more universal – a disinterest in anything, even things that used to bring pleasure. Unfortunately, ongoing abuse can result in the depression and apathy and it is helpful to get wise counsel to resolve that so you can experience the nicer emotions in life like love, joy, hope, and peace.

The danger in apathy is when you haven’t given a relatively health relationship a chance. Sometimes, however, it is healthier to embrace the apathy as a way to move forward in life without the pain of loss, grief, sorrow, that can accompany a person who has cut of a relationship with you. Grieve it, yes. Evaluate yourself for any wrongdoing, absolutely, but then move on in freedom. Don’t let those regrets over the past that you cannot resolve in the present, hinder you from living life to the fullest.

Have you had challenges with the dangerous emotions of ambivalence or apathy? How have you dealt with either of those?

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Fear

Dec30
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Fear

Yes, I know it’s the end of the year so why couldn’t I write something more uplifting than about fear? It’s what was on my mind.  Why is fear dangerous?

When I was in my undergraduate classes, I had a professor challenge us to spend a few days being paranoid about everything. This wasn’t an assignment we turned in. The next week at class he asked us how it went. I informed him that I refused to do the assignment.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because I believe that if I start trying to look at the world that way it could easily become a habit—one I do not want.”

He nodded his head and acknowledged that my reason was wise.

I used to work with adults who suffered from chronic paranoid schizophrenia. Some heard voices that weren’t there. Most of the time these voices were mean and inspired fear. Living with this kind of illness and the fear that accompanies it, is a hell of it’s own.

Now paranoid schizophrenia is an extreme. Of course, there are various other phobias people can have and some area situational. Fear of heights. Fear of snakes. Fear of flying….

In some cases, those are protective. I have begun to realize I’m not really afraid of heights. I’m afraid of falling from that height. When I realize that and need to fight that fear I can take steps to see that I’m safe. OK. Let’s be honest. Falling isn’t the real problem. It’s the landing.

While schizophrenia is a mental illness with what we can best determine to be a chemical change in the brain that happens under stress, usually in the late teens or early 20’s, it is forgivable when someone suffers from this.

It struck me lately that I battle my own fears. In spite of my noble refusal to act paranoid lest I become fearful defense given to my professor, I have lapsed into that kind of thinking quite unintentionally.

Most of those fears are future oriented. The events haven’t happened. When my husband had surgery recently, we had talked candidly about the “what if’s” beforehand all the while praying that the outcome would be good.

I didn’t sleep well the night before. He came through surgery fine, and it wasn’t until we were heading home that I wanted to cry. Sure, I hadn’t had enough sleep so that certainly was a factor.. It had snowed and the roads were slick, another stressor. I was also recovering from my own surgery. However, at the core of those tears was the realization that I had been more fearful of losing my husband than I had thought. I was so grateful he had come through that so well.

Matthew 6:34 says: “…don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” This is after reminding the reader that God is in control of all the things we tend to worry about: food, shelter, clothing, and even our lives.

The phrase “fear not” appears in the Bible 170 times.

1 Peter 5:6-7 says: “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your care on Him, because He cares about you.”

Philippians 4:6 says: “Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise—dwell on these things.”

Notice that Scripture doesn’t just say “don’t worry or don’t be anxious, or do not be afraid,” It gives us a cure. I mentioned in another post that Jesus was the first cognitive behavioral therapist, and this is again what happens. The anxiety we feel, comes from the thoughts we have, and often when we are anxious our thoughts of God are not worthy of Who He is.  2 Timothy 1:7 states: For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.

Someone reminded me recently that when I am anxious about things in the future, like the plans we have for 2025, it robs me of being present here and now. All my focus is on what might go wrong instead of thinking about what is true right now, today. The good, the honorable, the just, the pure, the lovely, whatever is commendable, moral excellence, anything worthy of praise. And to be grateful.

This gets back to what I started out with. If I focus on all the things that are wrong or scary and think in a paranoid manner, then I will develop a habit. Not quite as serious as a paranoid schizophrenic, but still problematic. When I fail to focus on God, right now, and trust who HE says He is, then I’m slipping into the sin of unbelief.

Isn’t God big enough to help me through if something goes wrong in any of the areas I tend to obsess about in my mind in an unproductive way? I don’t usually spend time thinking about losing my husband because I don’t want to take away from the joy of the moments where he is with me now, making memories, laughing, and living a life of gratitude for the God Who brought us together.

The same applies for other areas where there are going to be choices and changes in 2025. I have little control of how much of that unfolds, yet God is already there. I can put my trust in Him.

Just like some might say that anger or lust are “sins”, which I debunk in previous posts: fear, worry, or anxiety are not either. They are emotions that God has given. In some instances, like a fear of heights, theyccan be helpful to protect us. If they are keeping us from living a full life in Christ however, we might need help to get past those fears that are not logical, or even real.

I’m not shaming anyone who struggles with anxiety. Some of that could be due to a chemical imbalance (like some have with too much coffee!). We all experience them. It’s what we do with them that matters. Being anxious or fearful will not keep you from heaven when we are submitting our lives to Jesus Christ, but those emotions can keep us from experiencing the peace and joy He offers us.

Luke 2:10-11 recalls the moments after Jesus’s birth when shepherds heard the news from angels: “But the angel said to them, “Don’t be afraid, for look, I proclaim to you good news of great joy that will be for all the people: Today a Savior, who is Messiah the Lord, was born for you in the city of David.”

Do not be afraid. Jesus came to the earth to bring us Himself as the punishment for all our sins. After He rose and ascended to heaven He gave us the Holy Spirit to indwell and help us on our journey home to be with the Lord. I want to fully experience that joy, don’t you? Then we can join the angels in singing, “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and peace on earth to people He favors!” The dangerous emotion of fear doesn’t need to be controlling us if we focus on Him.

How do you work through your fears and strive to be present in the everyday moments of life?

Author Confessions: Too Much Heart

Sep23
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Too Much Heart

I’ve been talking about a lot of words but the past few posts were about verbs. Let me spend some time talking about the most overused word I’ve found (and have used in my own writing) in romantic fiction.

Heart.

Her heart raced.

She treasured it in her heart.

Her heart sped up.

Her heart ached.

Because emotion is often centered in our heart, authors tend to focus on that alone when they describe scenes. However, there is an entire body that can react to emotion and the book The Emotion Thesaurus can be helpful regardless of whether the emotion is love, jealousy, anger, loneliness… I highly recommend any author purchase that book and the companion pieces on positive and negative traits.   They are valuable resources. Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi have some more in the series that I just ordered and look forward to having on my bookshelf as resources.

Let’s try some different ways to say the examples above:

“Her heart raced.” Let’s try this instead: She couldn’t catch her breath.

“She treasured it in her heart.” How about: She closed her eyes to capture the moment.

“Her heart sped up.” Maybe instead: She placed a hand on her chest in a futile attempt to calm herself.

“Her heart ached.” Perhaps this: Tears welled in her eyes and she blinked back the tears.

Caveat:

You don’t have to eliminate every instance of the word heart in your prose. Especially when a character is speaking or perhaps texting or writing something. We often tend to use the word heart, but there is an entire physical and emotional body of description to draw on to add depth and color to your story and keep the reader engaged. Avoid writing with too much heart, at least in terms of words. I hope your efforts to put words on the page are filled with an overflowing passion for your work-in-progress.

Author Confessions: Show and Tell for Authors

May6
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Show and Tell for Authors

It wasn’t too long after I started writing that I heard the phrase “Show, not tell.”

This is different than when you were grade school and had to bring something to show to a class and tell them about it. To be honest, I don’t remember ever even doing that. Either I’m too old or it never happened at the schools I attended.

When writing fiction, the goal is to help the reader experience things the way the protagonist is experiencing them. That means helping the author feel, hear, see, smell, taste, touch, and connect to the emotions of the character whose point of view is being written from. Oh, and avoid using the words see, hear, taste, smell and feel if possible. See the linguistic gymnastics we have to jump through to bring you a story that engages all of you?

The reality is, how often do you notice all of those things when you walk into a room? Take smell for instance. If there are fresh baked cookies the aroma would grab your attention. Or if my puppy decides to leave a “gift” in a room I will usually detect that odor. If I exit my front door with the lilacs in full bloom that perfume will grab my attention. Otherwise, it’s not as easy to always tune into that if a person is engaged in conversation, or some other sense is triggered.

Now some people are more attentive to things than others, and when we write a scene we don’t need to include every sense. Notice above that I didn’t write that I smelled cookies, poop, or flowers. Instead I used more evocative words: aroma, odor, and perfume to describe those scents. To go even deeper into a point of view, I might even describe a memory that those stir. For instance, the aroma of those cookies could remind me of when I would come home from school when mom had been baking cookies. I always felt loved, wanted, and welcomed.

How about hearing? My wind chimes may sing or clatter depending on the wind. My dog might yelp, whine, whimper, yelp, or bark. A bark could be insistent, aggressive, or maybe even pleading. See how that draws you a clearer picture in words about the sounds? Especially if is accompanied by him sitting on his hind legs with his paws scraping at air, or his teeth are bared, or he’s jumping to nip at my behind! All convey a different image and emotion.

Seeing is a challenge. Trying to describe things needs to oftentimes go further than “the lilacs were in bloom.” I might instead say: The tiny lavender buds opened to greet the sun. How do you relate the color of a cardinal? Yes. It is a red bird. But perhaps the little black mask contrasting with the vibrant crimson flashing against the clear blue sky gives a more vivid appreciation of that particular variety of winged friend, and reminds us that spring is here. Or it might be the vibrant yellow and black of the male goldfinch that is so different from it’s more muted winter tones that signals summer is coming.

Touch is something to describe as well. My dog’s hair is soft. He has hair, not fur, so he doesn’t shed. But that wavy coat becomes like silk after he’s had a haircut and petting him is soothing to my soul and he definitely loves that attention. A win for both of us.

To write that the brownies were delicious is telling you I like brownies. What if I write instead: the brownies were moist and the gooey fudge mixed with the melting ice cream created all kinds of pleasure as a reward after accomplishing some difficult and exhausting task. Now you’re hungry.

Emotions can be hard. She felt sad is a simple statement. The weight of grief enveloped her like a heavy, damp, scratchy, wool blanket. The air stank of wet dog and she could hardly breathe. Oh, if she could only close her eyes and let it all disappear. To no longer cry would be an answer to prayer.    While it can take more words, it helps the reader get a deeper sense of the emotion. There is a great tool called the Emotion Thesaurus which helps authors look more closely at the physical ways emotions are expressed so that more visual means can be used to describe them.

Another instance of telling instead of showing is when an author merely describes what happened. “Peter bowed his head and prayed,” or “Alice recounted how her day had gone.” In some cases, because I’m a Christian author, I prefer that the author write the dialogue of the prayer. It can be short and sweet. Why? Because faith is important and it can helps someone who is not acquainted with the beauty and ability of us to talk to God. They can see how it can be done. As for Alice, if the reader doesn’t already know the content, and it is important to the story, the author should write the dialogue.

I’m being very simplistic here and I’m not saying I always do this perfectly myself. I just had some edits for some other authors for some amazing stories and yet there were these brief moments that struck me because they weren’t written out. I want the reader to stay fully engaged with the characters.

Telling a story is like painting a picture with oils, there’s color and texture to it. We want our stories and characters to be multidimensional. Not every sentence has to be flowing with elaborate description but where it counts the author needs to bring the reader deeper into the characters heart and mind.

The hardest part of that when dealing with the less enjoyable emotions, is that the author is forced in many ways, to go there too. For that reason, show and tell for authors takes on a much deeper meaning and adds an extra layer of skill to learn to write well.

Now I want a brownie.

Resentment

Sep19
Reading Time: 2 minutes

I love it when Scripture, speakers and other readings all combine with what the Holy Spirit is telling me – that clinging to resentment is the greatest evil I face right now in my life. And I have found it to be true, that when I can set that aside, and live in the gratitude and love of my King, that even when I am faced with inexplicable “blues”, I can have far greater peace.

“Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!” (Psa 107:1 ESV)  That phrasing occurs 16 times in Scripture.  Thanks – because of our Lord’s steadfast love.  Gratitude. For. Unchanging. Immovable.  LOVE.

I am not always there.  So often I want to sit and stew in my anger and resentment at the injustice of my circumstances.  Focus on all the things I want and don’t have (and may never have), instead of focusing on God’s work in and through me, in spite of and maybe even because of my challenges. Because He loves me enough to not let me stay where I am.

Do I really want to resent His perfect work in my life?  As an all consuming fire He often uses pain and suffering to burn off the chaff so I can move forward in His grace and the freedom only He offers. He does this because I am His child and He loves me. So I need to choose between stewing in my resentment or dwelling in gratitude and His arms of love.

My situation and challenges may be unchanged.  But with God’s help – I will be changed.  And for that- I am grateful.

“Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. (Heb 12:28-29 ESV)

Mixed Emotions

Aug18
Reading Time: 4 minutes

My kids start school next Monday. All three – all day – every day. For those of you who may not know, I had attempted to home school my kids up till last year. I have great admiration for home schoolers, primarily because I feel like I failed as one. There were several reasons for this:

1. It was my husband’s desire – not mine, that the kids be educated in this way.

2. My eldest’s sons special needs and the instability of my husband’s work schedule combined to make the challenges of regular structure that was required by my sons needs – to be almost impossible to achieve. (“unschooling” really wouldn’t work for him).

3. I seriously did not enjoy it given the multitude of challenges I was facing (including health issues) at the time. It’s amazing how thyroid disease can put a damper on life in every way.

So last year I put two boys in school at the same time, and my little girl went to Pre-school two full days a week. They really flourished in the environment of the private school we had chosen. It brought me to tears more times than I can count to recognize that the gifts and passion of these people were able to accomplish so much more than I could in teaching my kids to learn and to love learning.

Okay, I know I’m not a failure. Those who know the depth of struggles in my life can attest that I’ve done the very best I could with what I had and what I knew. I have been the best advocate for my son with his issues. And as much as I missed them when they are at school, I still had a job to do when they got home which was amplified by the same challenges mentioned above. Homework wars will kick in again next week.

Due to our instability financially, I have been looking for work. Not successful thus far. So I write. I love it. It terrifies me to think that people might read my work and think it’s crap. I’m thankful for the friends who have read my first novel “The Virtuous Viscount”, and have given me good feedback and encouragement. I have two more works in progress – one contemporary fiction and one non-fiction. It really costs me little to engage in this endeavor but the rewards are felt immediately (it is soooo much fun! – yes – even the re-writing, although it is hard work) and maybe someday I’ll be published and the money you spend for my books will help pay for my kid’s school. It’s a dream. It could happen. So until a “real job” comes along, I will write. I will serve.

So it is with mixed emotions that I send my kids off to school.

Relief – because it can be a challenge to have all three home, fighting, looking for things to do with our limited space and resources.

Sorrow – especially as my little girl goes off full time this year. I’m going to miss her and her smiles and hugs.

Excitement – freedom to write! Freedom to serve in ministry! Freedom to set my own schedule for all of it (including housework – okay that part does not excited this domestically challenged mom)

Frustration – because I still lack the one tool to make this really work for me – a netbook. Please pray that God will get my husband working on that? That one tool will enable me to save up to $50 a week in wear and tear and gas for the van, continue to job search while in town, write while in town and also save me 3 ½ hours in travel time that I can better use to serve women in Fond du Lac as Women’s Ministry Director at my church. All of which in the long run will, I pray, enable me to be a better mother when school is out.

Fear – as I start soliciting for an agent to represent my work to the publishing world. It’s a competitive market. . . I only remind myself that I really have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, and if all else fails, there is always self-publishing. However, I long for the challenge an agent would provide in helping me grow and become better as a writer.

I am sure there are a myriad of other emotions that I will experience in the coming weeks as our family adjusts to the new schedule. In the long run I know it is all good, because God has led us here and HE is always good, and I can trust Him because He who has called me to this work will be faithful to complete it. (Phil 1:6)

As you head into this next season of life – whatever it is for you – what emotions does that stir up? Do you know how much God longs to walk with you through that? I’m praying you do!