Tag Archive | family

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

Jul14
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

I was surprised that I never wrote about needs as I’ve always loved Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs and find it contains easy to understand, and biblically sound ideas.

If you’re not familiar with Abraham Maslow, he was an American psychologist and he studied human motivation. It’s probably what he is most famous for. He came up with five basic needs that support the needs above them for a person to be living lives as full as possible.

Hierarchy of Needs

Physiological Needs

These needs we see even in infants. We all need to breathe. If you suffer from asthma like I do, you can appreciate that even more. When you’re hungry you realize how important that need is. Shelter is important to protect us from the hazards that can come from our environments: cold, heat, sun, snow, rain, hurricanes etc. We need clothing as well to protect our bodies. Winter coat in subzero weathers vs shorts and tank tops when it is hot. Sleep is also a need. It messes with our body and our minds when we do not get enough sleep.

Safety and Security

When we break a bone, get a disease, or even a cold, we are reminded how much our health impacts our overall well-being. We need something to do. Now in our society it seems that being online and pontificating and even bragging about not working is the norm but a well-adjusted individual needs employment. Paid or volunteer there is a built in need to contribute to something bigger than ourselves. Property is important, whether you rent or own we need a place. Even gypsy’s have property, they just take it with them. Family is one that is so in danger in our world but is a deep need God has built into us. Having social connections are also important to help us develop and be whole.

Love and Belonging

Friendships, family, intimacy and connection are again, built into us by our amazing God who wants to be in those kinds of relationships with humans. Denying the need for connections and belonging can deeply hurt an individual’s development and very existance. That is why isolation can be so hard long term in prison or for those who are held captive. The lack of connection can be devestating psychologically.

Self-Esteem

We long to be confident, to feel like we matter and that others like us. When that is denied a child, or an adult, it can be devestating. We long for respect for who God created us to be, as unique creations of a loving, and amazing God. When that is withheld it can have a horrible impact on a person’s emotional health.

Self-Actualization

We all have some version of morals, we have different levels of creativity, we desire acceptance, purpose, and to know our life has meaning. We long for the ability to make choices and take actions on our own.

Summary 

Getting our needs seems so simple in a pyramid. Due to sin it can be hard for us to find our needs met in the world around us because it often requires relationships which can be messy.

Next week I’ll be looking at how this connects with motives. Understanding human needs can go a long way to understanding ourselves which is necessary before we seek to understand others. God of course, is already there and calling us to follow Him and grow to be people who can serve Him, even if our needs here on earth are not fully met. Ane while we need these things from other humans, because He designed us for relationships, He also promises to help us with all of these as we seek His face.

Oliver’s Opinion: Love’s Gift (Book Review)

Mar7
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Oliver’s Opinion: Love’s Gift (Book Review)

My mom told me that there is a rogue dog in this Penelope Marzec’s latest novel, Love’s Gift. This dog loves to eat flowers. I’m not sure why because flowers don’t seem that appealing to me. Having said that, a book with a dog in it is always aces in my opinion!

I learned something new reading this historical novel set in 1903 in the United States. There was a Chinese Exclusion Act that President Chester A. Arthur signed in 1882 that forbid the immigration of Chinese laborers. It was the only law that ever excluded one ethnic or national group from coming here.

The main character of this book, Amaranth, is of Chinese origin but born in the United States. Because of this law, however, she lives in fear of being deported to a country with a culture and language foriegn to her. She was raised by nuns as she had been abandoned at birth. Now as a young adult she’s stepping out into the real world to face the discrimination and trying to have a job to support herself in the midst of strong bigotry against anyone Asian.

Amaranth is hired by Mrs. Tildon of Sea Haven, New Jersey, as a secretary. She soon discovers there are deep secrets in this family including a rude maid who is never fired for her words or behavior, a degenerate father, a brother who appears out of nowhere, and the oldest son, William who is obsessed with helping his mother’s asthma and concerned about status.

A lot of things go wrong as Mrs. Tildon, a leader of a suffragete movement, is vilified and other tragedies occur. Amaranth holds to the faith she was raised with in spite of it all and prays for this family she is now a part of, even if only as an employee. Can God heal the divisions in this family? You’ll have to read the book to find out!

The sweet dog, named Tulip, isn’t a horrible dog, but a sweet one. I won’t tell you what happens with her but I loved her character in the book.

I highly recommend this historical novella. It is timely given the current discussions and debates over immigration and the fears that some might have about being deported even if they were born and have lived her all their lives. While that fear may not be rooted in truth now (and yes, some might debate me on that, but remember, I’m a dog), it gives the reader a sense of what that might be like but also how faith can preserve even in the midst of real and imagined fears. I recommend Love’s Gift and give it five bones, because I’m a dog and I don’t have thumbs.

This is me, Oliver, keeping watch so my mom can read these great books (and write awesome ones as well!) It’s what dogs do.

Author Confessions: Life Gets in the Way of Art

Feb26
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Life Gets in the Way of Art

I have so much work I need to do before I can write another book and it’s frustrating. I had to get the taxes together for our LLC, my personal business and of course just our home. It’s complicated. I think I’m on top of it now. Then a family member needed someone to take them to the emergency room. I work from home – and of course, even if I didn’t I’d have done what I could to be there by their side. Our dog became increasingly sick, which meant more time to care for him, clean up after him, and then finally make that awful decision to put him down. My husband was due to have surgery but a subsequent injury meant that it was pushed up several weeks earlier with another to follow. That also means accompanying him to all of the appointemnts and physical therapy. My daughter moved back home. Time was spent on cleaning out two rooms and part of the basement. Now I want to finish the basement and purge, purge, purge! After we put down our dog, we adopted a rescue puppy the very next day. Add potty training to my to do list!

I’m also doing physical therapy for an injury and doing the daily warmup and exercise can take an hour minimum. Must be done if I’m to be pain free.

I don’t know how I would live if I had to work full-time outside the home. As a self-employed writer I control my schedule.

Or does my schedule control me?

Real life: caring for loved ones, pets, family, maintaining relationships, preparing for our bi-weekly small group, maintaining my daily time with God, brushing teeth, showering, cleaning house, doing dishes, doing the laundry and actually putting the clothes away, grocery shopping, paying bills… all take time. Not a lot of time individually, but they take time and energy and effort.

I still don’t know how I managed to do all this with three kids underfoot. Sometimes I think I’m busier now with my retired but active husband.

Part of it is I would often work at night, or write while the kids were at school which meant everything else was done when they were home. That probably resulted in less fun time with them. I remember homework wars and the exhaustion of helping a strong-willed incredibly stubborn child to do his work. It took so much more time and mental energy than it should have. But I did it.

I did the best I could with what I knew then. Just like I’m doing the best I can with what I know now. Sometimes projects and work have to wait. If I don’t fold the clothes, eventually my husband will. He’s a busy man as well and we are committed to relaxing in the evenings. No work. That means sometimes things fall through the cracks.

The big lesson I’ve learned though through all of this over the years is that people are more important than tasks. Sure I feel bad if I forget to pay a bill, so maybe it’s late (usually it’s early) but it’s rare and I need to give myself grace. When I tell a friend about all I have going on they often respond with how exhausted I made them.

We all have our own burdens to bear and challenges. Creating a story won’t happen unless I make it happen. It’s not like a mythical muse actually taps me on the shoulder to say “Write! Now!” Not that I won’t have ideas or dreams of what I want to write but often things won’t start to flow until I make the space and time to actually do it. Sometimes that may mean saying no to something else that’s really good.

As I write this I’m sitting in a hallway at a medical center while a family member has some tests run. So I’m getting some needed work done while not being home but when that individual comes out of their testing, I’m done and my focus will be on them. Thankfully, the two hours I have are being productive because I invested in a smaller laptop for travel so that I could do such things. This same laptop allowed me to do National Novel Writing Month (nanowrimo.com) in November even though we were gone, having traveled for 9 days! I wrote in a car, early mornings before friends woke up, in the airport, and on the plane. I had a goal and I made it happen and as a result I had a short novel to send to my publisher for this coming Christmas. Maybe they won’t like it because I tried something new! If not then maybe I’ll self-publish it because I love it so much. We’ll see.

Life gets in the way of art but without real life there would be no art. That is a truth I embrace and live. I’m doing more now to actually live a fuller, more well-rounded life, than when I wrote those first two dozen novels. So maybe I won’t write as many books in a year, but I hope and pray the ones I do write will be  better because I’m living and enjoying the life God has granted to me right now.

Art is important, but people are even more valuable and I need to treasure as much time with those God has placed in my life as possible. Our souls are for eternity. Sure my words will live on after I’m gone, or at least I hope so.  And I pray they have an eternal impact on the ones who read them. Ultimately, that’s in God’s hands.

If you can relate to life getting in the way of art of anything in your life, you'd love the book, Donuts & Detours.

Check out Donuts And Detours on Amazon

Time is Precious

Dec25
Reading Time: 4 minutes

We sing songs about this being the most wonderful time of the year. Sure there is a sense of awe, and the lights are beautiful but for many there is another empty chair at the table, or someone they can no longer place a call to and say “Merry Christmas.”

Christmas isn’t always merry. I’m sure that first Christmas wasn’t even quiet. We sing Silent Night on Christmas Eve, but let’s be real. Giving birth, no matter where you do it, is rarely quiet, and you hope it won’t be when a baby is born. We want to hear that cry. Imagine that, the Savior was born and the first sound out of his mouth was a cry. The Word of God had no words.

And today, there might be tears for some people. Loneliness will flare as they miss someone they love. Whether that person passed away, or perhaps has chosen to hold on to anger and resentment and refuse to engage in a relationship.

Losing people we love makes you stop and take notice, doesn’t it? Every day is a gift and we need to cherish the moments we have with the people we love. For those who are alive and refusing a relationship with a family member will find that letting resentment fester will only breed regret. When death comes, they will never have the opportunity to resolve the issues that seperated them from someone they currently despise. No more opportunity to forgive and extend that forgiveness.

There are people I know who have cut themselves off, believed lies, and instead of getting the truth or making the time, will not have any contact with someone biologically close. In many ways this is a blessing. The toxicity of those individuals would make having any kind of relationship more of a “walking on eggshells” type of thing. But family is family and sometimes you set boundaries on just how much time and effort you put into those relationships. To cut someone off without at least trying to let them know why, or what they have done, does not help anyone. It is not love.

Families are messy. Every person growing up in a home has grown up in a different family. Every interaction or perspective is only from their point of view and therefore skewed, but often we think that our “truth” is the only right perspective.

I took a trip with my mom in October to visit The Creation Museum and The Ark Encounter in Kentucky. A one day drive there, a day at each place, and a day’s drive back. We have never spent that much time together one-on-one and it was good. We laughed and we also shared deeply personal stuff–things we’d never told each other before. I learned things about her childhood I didn’t know and it helped me understand her better. She understood a little more some of my choices and wounds. I will treasure that memory of our time together and am intentional to be more in touch than I was when I was younger.

Other members of our famly won’t call, or text, much less have a conversation. I feel sorry for them because they don’t know what they are missing. Someday, reality will hit hard and hopefully they will understand the truth they refused to believe about the family member they’ve spurned. I’m being cryptic here to protect people. Someday, the spurned person will die. It happens to all of us. What then? Will they come to the funeral and spill their vitriol there? Or will they have an awakening at some point and face regrets over never taking the time to understand the choices that other person made–or the woundedness that was lying under the surface? I don’t envy them the grief that will be compounded when they realize the wrong they’ve done by their actions–or lack thereof.

Relationships take effort, time, and humility. Selfishness destroys the most precious gifts God gives us–each other.

Adult children should grow up to be adults, and relate to their parents as such, while showing them the honor due their role. Sure, respect is something a person earns but everyone should have at least a core respect for the dignity an individual created in the image of God. That includes all of us.  God does take notice of those who fail to do this. In a way there’s a double curse on those children who spurn a parent or are even outright hostile to them without just cause. Especially those children who claim to love Jesus.

This isn’t a feel good post on this Christmas Day, but I wanted to honor those who are hurting. Those who feel the deep wounds of rejection by someone on this day of all days. Or who are missing someone who they lost to death.

God sees. He is Emmanuel, God with us. Even if others are not, He promises to never leave us. Hold tight to Him and like our home, we will wait for Him to vindicate those who have been slandered and spurned. We pray for repentance and reconciliation, but realize we may never see it because those individuals have free will. Time is precious and fleeting and we only pray they realize that, and turn from their bitterness. Before it’s too late.

If you are hurting this Christmas, I hope it is a comfort to realize you’re not alone in struggling with the season. Make the most of the wonderful grace and provision God has given us even if there is hurt lingering around the Christmas tree. Celebrate the One who came to free us from the wages of sin and death and anticipate the day when there will be no more tears and grieving.

I pray you have a blessed Christmas, and treasure those relationships you do have. Time is precious. Make the most of those moments.

 

The Value of a Day

Sep13
Reading Time: 3 minutes

I’m a proactive worrier. A planner. I want to understand all the contingencies and be ready.

Life doesn’t always allow that though and nothing I’ve worried about has ever come to pass. I’m not superstitious enough to believe that my anxieties and preparation had anything to do with that.

Worry robs me of peace and joy. It takes me out of the present into an invisible (to me) future.

Leaving worry aside and focusing on the here and now can bring me greater contentment. That is if I truly value the work I’m doing right now.

As I’ve grown older, (not grown up), I’ve had to re-think what’s important. I’ve always been a doer and getting things accomplished were a measure of my worth at least in my own myopic perspective.

God has brought me to a place where I can savor more of the less remarkable moments. Yes, I sometimes make a list of all I’ve done to reassure myself that I wasn’t lazy at the end of the day when I don’t have anything tangible to show for the time that’s passed.

Getting work done around the house, completing projects and even finishing a book or having one come out are all tasks that recycle. They never end. There’s always more laundry to do. The dogs track in mud on a freshly washed floor, my daughter needs something for school right away and the grass keeps growing and when that stops the snow will keep me busy. When the kids were younger I struggled to find value in keeping them clean, clothed, and fed. And there are more stories and books in my head than I can possible accomplish in the time God has given me today.

While I still need do all the necessities of daily life, cleaning, grocery shopping, looking after kids, paying bills, helping my husband, and doing contracted writing/editing/teaching work, I’ve found that sometimes the seemingly smaller things are more important:

  • My time with God each day.
  • Hanging out with my dying father even while he sleeps.
  • Giving my mom a break so she can get away from the 24/7 burden of caring for my dad.
  • Playing mini-golf with my husband or sitting and watching television together and date nights.
  • Spending time with my daughter shopping or working on something together.
  • Girls-night out (or in!)
  • Hosting the small group that meets in our home.
  • Having people over for dinner or playing cards.
  • Being aware of people around me wherever I go. Who would God have me bless?

I’m finding that while the daily stuff is important, making time for the eternal stuff, the relationships, is even more so. Even though I hope my stories will impact lives, encourage people to grow in faith, or see the world a little differently, and they may outlast me, I firmly believe relationships are more important than all of it. When I teach writers I emphasize this often. Don’t overlook the people in the rush to accomplish a task. It’s a lesson I had to learn the hard way.

I like to get things done. But sometimes sitting back and valuing the moments in a day with another person, even if it is silence, has the greater value. It won’t happen unless I’m intentional about it.

I doubt I’ll ever have regrets about a dirty house, or a messy lawn when we are in the process of making changes. I won’t regret the dust that sits undisturbed. At the end of my life I won’t think about any of that. All that will matter are the people. If this were my last day on earth would I be happy about how I left the people around me? Would they know without a doubt how loved they were?

I’m not saying to abandon cleaning and caring for those around us and for the material possessions God has given us. I’m suggesting we find greater value in the people than things or tasks. It isn’t easy and I still don’t always do it well, but I’m growing in it.

What are you learning to value in your day?

Spatzle Speaks: Rust (Book Review)

Mar22

Reading Time: 2 minutesWhen I discovered Corbin Bernsen wrote a novel, Rust, published by Pelican Book Group, my mom decided she wanted to read it and I am thrilled that she did because it’s hard to for her to relax and I got more snuggles.

Rust is based on a movie by the same name and she’s waiting to see the movie as she absorbs the beautiful words that were penned by the famed actor.

This is an inspirational novel regarding a crisis of faith in the life of a former pastor, James Moore. When he discovers his childhood friend, Travis, has been implicated in starting a fire that killed a family of four. Travis has some emotional/mental differences from the rest of the town, and had been James’s best friend as a child.

Coming home forces James to deal with not only the wounds in his soul, but his family and the entire town. A pastor’s heart is tugged repeatedly by the pain of those around him as he struggles to believe in a God that has seemingly stopped communicating with him. The pastor is turned detective as he believes his childhood friend could never have committed the crime he’s being convicted of.

With the complexity of heart and soul-searching in the character of James Moore, and the complications of relationships from the past make investigating a deadly arson of a family he’d never met a challenge. Written only from the perspective of James Moore the author digs deep into the angst of spiritual and emotional unrest with well-written clarity that makes this novel hard to put down and increases my mom’s respect for an actor she already admired. The book taps into the struggle many Christian’s struggle with not always hearing God’s clear voice when struggling with faith.

This book is a well-written, compelling tale and highly recommended. I give it five bones because I’m a dog, and I don’t have thumbs.

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that’s how we roll.

 

Spatzle Speaks: Twisted (Book Review)

Jul14

Reading Time: 2 minutesI picked up and read Twisted by DiAn Gates without having read her first novel in the series, called Roped. I was instantly hooked into the mystery and drama that permeates every page.

Told from the perspective of a young woman named Crissy Crosby, we see the world of danger and intrigue unfolding around her. There is a complicated relationship between her family and another known as Fairgate. Choices Crissy made with good intentions have had a ripple effect that she could never have foreseen.

This is not a sweet story but one filled with past evils and deeply buried secrets. Crissy struggles to understand this when the adults around her are being evasive. For her own protection of course. But Crissy wants to know and is inquisitive and bold. A great young heroine.

And horses. Oh, I love horses. My mom is allergic to them which is why she has me instead of a horse,  well, that and we live in the city. The story takes place after a nasty rodeo competition and involves a ring of horse thieves. It’s a difficult book to put down once you start reading it.

I can see pre-teens loving this but also adults because of the way DiAne Gates weaves her complicated tale, leaving the reader wondering and waiting along with Crissy to discover just what is all going on and why the adults in her life are acting so strange.

I give this book five bones for suspense and the ability to keep the reader engaged in the unfolding story. It makes me want to go back and read Roped to learn more about what happened in that book, but this book stands alone well enough on its own.

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that’s how we roll.

Spatzle Speaks: Racing Hearts (Book Review)

Oct28

Reading Time: 2 minutes513i2zquyjlRacing Hearts is novella number 12 in the Love Is series by Prism Book Group. The theme of the story is trust.

Rick and Jordyn are a young married couple learning to step out on their own, away from their family as Rick embarks on a new job in a new town. Along with all those  changes comes news that Jordyn is pregnant.

Rick works and takes care of his wife who is finding the pregnancy more difficult than for most. He cooks, cleans, and works full-time wearing himself out. Jordyn struggles to understand why he gets so protective of her. Learning to trust God for everything from their marriage, health, finances, and baby, makes for a story that will warm your heart…and perhaps make it race too.

I give the novella five bones because I’m a dog and I don’t do bones.

5 bones for blog

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that's how we roll.

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that’s how we roll.

 

Spatzle Speaks: Greener Grass (Book Review)

Feb19

Reading Time: 2 minutesGreenerGrassesThis is book #3 in the “Love is . . .” series by Prism Book Group. Julie Cosgrove has written thrillers about human trafficking but Greener Grasses is a departure for her. It’s not even a romance but it is a love story.

This book portrays the them of “love does not envy.” And Julie digs deep into sibling rivalry and exposes the prejudice and jealousy that can keep us from rich relationships.

Erin and Ellen are twins that couldn’t be more different from each other. Each one harbors secret resentment for the supposedly wonderful life the other sister has with her spouse. For years this has placed an insurmountable barrier between them even to the point of endangering their marriages.

And their poor husbands!

When their mother dies she finds a way to try to bring the two sisters together from beyond the grave. No ghosts here haunting them but their owns sin. Ordered to spend time with each other sorting through the house they grew up in they begin to see the truth. The person they envy doesn’t have a perfectly wonderful like as they imagined. In reality, they desperately need each other for support. With the spouses fighting for their marriages and to bring some peace things get a bit messy.

They start to understand the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence – a good reminder for us all. I give this novella five bones, because I’m a dog and I don’t do stars.

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that's how we roll.

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that’s how we roll.

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Anticipating the Holiday Rudeness

Nov25

Reading Time: 3 minutesI have a friend who has been a cheerleader of my writing from day one. He often says “Don’t forget the little people when you make it big.”

I love his “when.”

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Then there is someone in my life who has said, “Nice little hobby you have there. You won’t make any money at it.”

Or how about this comment, “Oh, so is that what you’re doing now? How nice for you. When are you going to get a real job?”

The holidays bring out the worst in people. I try to generally be gracious to those who don’t understand that my writing and editing is a real job and that I work very hard at it. I will be forever grateful for those people who have supported, encouraged and believed in me and my writing before I’ve made my mark on the publishing world.

So often authors cite parents or spouse as being those supporters. That’s not the case for me. My grandmother is a grand cheerleader though.

The comment I’ve heard before and expect to hear on Thanksgiving Day though is this: “How much money do you make?”

Stop. Wait. Excuse me? Where in any part of civilization is this an appropriate question? Between authors it might be acceptable in discussing the challenge to actually talk about *gasp* money, but if I went to my family members and asked how much they got paid for the work they do, well, they would be offended.

So what makes any of them think it’s okay to ask me such a question? Stephen King doesn’t make his tax return public knowledge, does he?

Since I write historical fiction I’m going to revert back to a more respectable time when people did not ask such questions. Wait. Even in Regency England a man was known by how much he made a year and it was used as a measuring stick to determine whether he was worthy husband material.

But I’m not looking for a husband.

So my response? “Thank you for your interest in my writing. In response to your question, it’s none of your business.”

Beth Ziarnik and me. She was the "Paul" to my "Timothy" at my first writer's conference (Write to Publish)

Beth Ziarnik and me. She was the “Paul” to my “Timothy” at my first writer’s conference (Write to Publish)

It isn’t. There is nothing that says I have to answer every question posed to me no matter how authentic and real I strive to be in my life.  Some things can be and should be private. The fact is, the amount of money I earn, much like the size of my clothing, does not determine my value in the eyes of God. He is the reason I write and yes, the IRS will know, but unless I start making millions, I doubt I will ever want to share that kind of information, especially with those who have not encouraged and supported me.

Will Smith has said “If you are absent during my struggle, don’t expect to be present during my success.” Well said, Will.

Have a wonderful thanksgiving and for those of you who have prayed, supported and encouraged me on my journey (and you know who you are!), I am thanking God for the gift of you in my life. I may not make much money now, but I’m rich in the relationships my writing has brought into my life.