Tag Archive | hopeless

Author Confessions: We All Get Stuck

Jul1
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: We All Get Stuck

I remember a pastor asking me once how he could help hurting people. I told him that primarily people need to talk and he needs to listen, offer compassion, and maybe resources when appropriate.

That’s a very simplified look at counseling, yet sometimes it is the simplest things that can make a difference when we are helping someone, especially those stuck while dealing with difficult emotions like grief, anger, abandonment, betrayal… through death, divorce, abuse, neglect, or when someone close turns their back on you whether a friend, spouse, or adult child.

Complicated and strong emotions can be a challenge to deal with. You’ve probably gathered that from my various Dangerous Emotions posts.

Someone recently begged me to provide some simple things they could try to help someone who was stuck due to a traumatic loss. He was grateful for the help and figured maybe some of that could be helpful to you as well as you come across people who are hurting. Many of my books in my Orchard Hill Series look at aspects of this too, especially Pesto and Potholes.

You Can’t Understand

Even if you have gone through a similar situation: abuse, divorce, church hurt, loss of someone close, you can tell them you you can’t understand what they are going through. Every situation and person is different and the emotional fallout they experience will be unique. Even if you haven’t experienced it, you can tell them it hurts you to see him hurting. You don’t know what to do, which leaves you feeling helpless and frustrated.

o   Another way to say that might be: “(Name), when you repeatedly talk about _____________, I feel helpless and sad because I don’t know how to help you.” It’s not blaming the person, but acknowledging their pain while sharing your own feelings and desire to offer comfort.

o   You can acknowledge that the individual has trauma from all this and even suggest trauma therapy, or just regular therapy. Their church might be able to recommend someone. There are therapists online as well making it more convenient. It can be a suggestion and it is up to them to decide if they want to follow through.

Point out the Positive

God is always at work even in the difficulties of life. If you can, tell the person where you’ve seen growth or improvement in their life. It can be small. “I know you’re hurting but you got up today and even agreed to meet with me. That’s a win.”  Even if they seem stuck, help them see where they might be making strides forward even if it is three steps forward two steps back. They are moving. Try to remind them of the positives wherever you can. When dark emotions are clouding everything else they might not be able to see the positive.

o   Even as they are moving forward in so many ways, it is OK to point out they may still be acting helpless when it comes to the aftermath of situation with the various emotions they might be strugglign with like:  betrayal, abandonment, viciousness, and grief.

o   Avoid comments like: “I know how you feel,” or “God has a plan,” or “We all go through hard times,” or “Someday you will be able to see what God was doing.” While there might be truth in many of those statements they are not helpful when someone is spinning in emotional circles. They don’t care about the future right now or God’s plan. Pain can overwhelm all of that and it will come across as insensitive. Don’t put on a band aid where a tourniquet is required. Don’t brush off emotions as unimportant or that they should just, “Get over it already.”

Remind them of the Whatevers

Scripture tells us to focus on: “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is anything excellent or praiseworthy, let your mind dwell on these things. (Phil 4:8 NASB). I’ve even used this in some of my books. In psychology it is called reframing.

o   Example: When my car broke down when my kid were little, in the middle of a busy highway at night, and we needed to be towed, in the van, up on to the back of the tow truck platform, I could tell my kids were a bit scared. I told them “We’re having an adventure!” I must have used that too often for them because my daughter, in her car seat said, “I think we’ve had too many adventures.” LOL!

o   Anyway, if they say something like, “I don’t know what I did wrong,” You could respond with something like, “We all do things wrong in relationships, however, what did you do right? Maybe you weren’t perfect, no one is. Then focus again on the positive by pointing out positive virtues you see in them. Did they put on clean clothes? Do their hair? Even simple tasks like that can be challenging when emotions are overwhelming. Acknowledge the small wins but dont’ be patronizing.

o  One man I know used to say often, “I must be a bad man.” I had to remind him that while he is not perfect, and made mistakes, he is a good man with a kind and generous heart and not everyone can see that if they are fed lies and holding on to anger and resentment. Those lies do not need to become his truth. God sees and understands the truth behind all those things, and we can trust HIM to be the judge and take care of those who hate us or try to undermine us.

They May Not be the True Target

Sometimes what people are really opposed to isn’t us – it’s the God we are seeking to serve. As people draw closer to God then thedivide in a relationshiop can become greater. Especially for victims who have been abused and try to leave, it is the most dangerous time, even if they were never physically attacked before it could happen then. When we follow Jesus and make our life choices as He leads us some people will take issue with that and they might even claim truth from God to get you to do their will.

Much the vitriol people can spew out is more about Jesus than it was about a the person.  Just being around someone who is (imperfectly) seeking a godly path can feel like the Holy Spirit is poking someone who isn’t. One work of the Holy Spirit in this world is to convict people of sin and unrighteousness. That can make it uncomfortable for those who are walking away from Him and intentionally choosing a sinful path.

We all get stuck. I’ve been stuck and in hindsight I wish someone would have gently listened and then helped me see more and more the victim I had become. I felt hopelessly stuck but eventually God led me to resources that challenged me to change. That realization that I had slid into that kind of position was hard to swallow. Devestating actually. Thankfully between God, a wise therapist, and amazing friends who listened and loved me,  I was able to see God mature me, change me, and eventually leave that situation. God was with me every step of the way. We all get stuck but the good news is God never abandons us. Keep seeking Him. The LORD brings people with skin on to help us take steps towards healing and freedom.

I hope this helps when you find someone, perhaps close to you, who is struggling. We all get stuck at some point or another, so offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and love.

If you think I’m giving schmaltz that ignores blatant sin… stay tuned for next week.

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Hope

May5
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Hope

Why and how could hope ever be considered dangerous?

Hopelessness

Many years ago, I recieved a gift from a wise mentor mom. It was a Christmas candle that spelled out HOPE. She said, “I realized that this is what you need most right now-HOPE.” Now I had faith and hope in Jesus and complete trust in His salvation, but I lacked hope that He who is able, would not rescue me from the painful circumstances of my life. I believed God was good, but doubted He would be good to me. I would reason that there were people far worse off than I was (and therefore more worthy of rescue?), and that in spite of my salvation found in Jesus, I was no more special than anyone else needing help. I didn’t deserve that kind of grace.

Psychology talks about learned helplessness which can lead to hopelessness. The sensation that I had no agency to change my circumstances and therefore I was helpless and hopeless. Depression makes that worse, as well as some chronic health issues. Fatigue, poverty, abuse, can eradicate hope.

When that mom gave me that candle, I began to realize I had abandoned hope. I was hopeless in my situation. Hope wasn’t easily found. That one word HOPE eventually led me down a better path when it refocused on my need for it.

Hope Deferred

We can hope for many things. Rescue, a new home, a long-awaited child, healing from an illness. Nothing is too big or small for God to be concerned with. When we don’t understand His timing, the hope seems so far off, and we can lose hope. Not necessarily to the point of hopelessness, but we can doubt it. Hebrews 11:1 states: “Now faith is the certainty of things hoped for, a proof of things not seen.” Hope is closely tied into our faith in Jesus. We can all struggle with doubt at different points in our lives. Proverbs 12:12 describes it this way: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Hope is always about a future event or thing. In essence, it is about something deferred. Hope is the present time of expection, but when we lose that expectation it is grief to the soul.

Hope in the Wrong Things

Psalm 33:17 states: “A horse is a false hope for victory; Nor does it rescue anyone by its great strength.” How often do we put our hope in things that don’t last? The perfect spouse, kids, family, eductation, job, car, home, health, our talents and gifts. God guarantees none of those things. There are people living in third world countries that experience greater joy and hope than we do in America because we are faced with so many shiny objects and ideas to put our hope in. Where are you placing your hope? What is it that you truly hope for?

True Hope

The author of Hebrews wrote: “This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and reliable.” (Heb 6: 19a) I love that image of an anchor, holding us fast to Jesus and all His promises. When we place our ultimate hope in HIM, we can experience great freedom and joy. The apostle Paul wrote: “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints.” (Eph 1:18) What a prayer to pray for yourself and others.

We can hope for good weather for a picnic or family reunion. We can hope that God will heal someone. We can hope for a good night of rest. None of those are inherently bad, but when we expect immediate results then we can be in trouble. If our hope is in God, we will ultimately want HIM above all to be active in leading, guiding and working in and through us. Paul prays in Romans 13:15 “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Hope is an anchor but it also gives us wings to head into the future with joy and expectation. Our ultimate hope is our coming face to face with Jesus and hearing “Well done, good and faithful servant.” That should be a hope we strive for, and we can only accomplish that hope by the power of the Holy Spirit who is alive and at work within us the moment we receive Christ as Savior and Lord.

Where is your hope today? Where have you struggled with the dangerous emotion of hope? As human beings, filled with emotions, they can make or break us, but I hope reviewing this will help you recenter on the Source of hope, Jesus.

 “Let’s hold firmly to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.”Hebrews 10:13

 

 

Lessons Learned While Writing: Hero of My Story

May23
Reading Time: 2 minutes

After years of verbal abuse, I finally realized I had lapsed into helplessness and hopelessness. A friend once said to me, “Susan, you need hope.” I loved and served and prayed to Jesus and believed He was fully capable of rescuing me from my prison of pain.

During this time, I lead our church’s women’s ministry, and spent time encouraging other women and teaching them.

But I was stuck. I began to realize I was thinking and acting like a victim. A powerless victim. The more I read and understood about verbal abuse (which includes financial abuse and neglect and more), the more I began to seek the help I needed to grow and thrive even in the midst of my difficulty. Oh, I still cried, but I grew in my confidence and my ability to find the good in the midst of the pain.

I still struggled for hope that I would ever one day be released. The wonderful news is by the time I was, I was ready for the new life God had in store for me. The fears from the past had melted away. The belief that I was inadequate and unable to stand on my own, was gone. When God opened that door, freeing me, I was ready to walk into my new life without fear. He provided for me every step along the way and looking back I can only say it was by His grace that I made it, because on paper, I should never have been able to.

By God’s grace, I became a hero, a protagonist in my own story, not a pathetic byline. Now ultimately Jesus is the real hero. It was He who saved me at 15 years of age and has walked me through all of this. What a wonder that He could give me hope – in HIM and blessings beyond what I could have ever wished for.

In what ways do you perhaps feel a victim in your life? Look to Jesus for your hope. Change doesn’t take place overnight but He can move you and use you for HIS glory in the midst of your pain and in the future use that experience to bless others. Hold on, dear friend.

Depression: The ‘blues’ are not what you think they are

Feb17

Reading Time: 3 minutesI’m doing something I normally don’t do. I’m writing a blog post while I’m sunk in the pit of major depression.

I’m not crying. I did that a few days ago. I could easily do it again though.

It’s been years but a few days before writing this I had dangerous thoughts. No, not going to kill myself. But I just want my life to be over.

There gets to be a point where criticism and rejection get to be too much. Some would say it is a satanic attack when you have thoughts like this. I’m not totally convinced. When memories rise up and crowd around threatening to beat you with every hurting word,  betrayal, insult and more, it’s hard to blame satan for the words of others that come back to torture a soul. How do you blame satan when I can beat myself up quite well without his help?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words may destroy me.

Having lived with major depression for years, I normally would seek out someone. Go to lunch. But right now that would only seem to fulfill what some would say is “attention-seeking” behavior or my deep seated need for validation.

So why even bother?

A wise man told me that those with the gift of encouragement are often the most in need of it.

Lately there’s been little encouragement. Oh, there’s people who like me on-line perhaps. But some of the closest in my circle prefer to ignore me.

Now, Susan, if you are posting this aren’t you attention seeking now? Why, this goes out to the whole world-wide web! 

But you don’t know when I wrote this. This could show up days, weeks or months after I post it. So, in this moment of deep pain, I am not seeking attention or validation for my existance.

I’m strangly at peace with a desire to not be here anymore. I’m tired of the fight and then immediately chide myself for being such a wimp. People go through far worse struggles than I have and emerge just fine.

But that’s them, and I’m me.

I’m strangly more productive right now. Immersing myself in work and trying to avoid the pain in many ways. Isolating as much as possible. But if you see me you will get a smile. I won’t share that pain on my facebook page or even at church.

That’s the curse of mental illness, isn’t it? You break a leg and everyone is sympathetic. Have surgery and meals are brought to you. Depression? Who wants to deal with a chronic issue like that? It’s just, well, depressing.

Take a pill. I already do take medication but even increasing the dose wouldn’t help me in this moment. It can take weeks to feel an improvement and taking too much has it’s own issues. Medication is not always the solution.

I get it. See, along with my own pain I often carry the pain of others. A hyper-sensitive person is great to confide in, share with, be validated and encouraged by. I don’t regret ever doing that. I do it beause I know how much it hurts. Been there, done that, doing it again right now. And I am grateful that God can use my hurts to help others.

My heart aches in that, beyond prayer for God, I feel helpless to do anything else for them. A hug, a smile, a word of encouragment and they go back to the daily pain of their lives. These people are in my church, they are in larger world of friends and they are online. Loss. Grief. Rejection. Physical pain. Financial distress. Women left by “Christian” men and those women raising children alone.

I despise my own pain even as it provides a position for me to minister to others in theirs.

So I pray. I write. I work. I cry and I wait.

I wait for God’s hand to work in whatever way He choses. I cast myself on His tender hands at his torturous cross. No one fully understands my pain but Him anyway. I can’t imagine walking through this life without Him.