Tag Archive | loss

Author Confessions: Anniversary Reactions

Nov24
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Anniversary Reactions

Today will be twenty-two years since I learned I had lost a baby I was carrying. My third child. I have it marked on my calendar but sometimes I get close to Thanksgiving and forget–except my brain and body doesn’t. I can be moody and sad without realizing it. This year the date falls on a Monday which was the day I found out. The Monday before Thanksgiving.

The same happens with other significant losses. Moods will emerge that surprise me, which is why I keep those things on my calendar every year just as I do birthdays and anniversaries. Those are about others–grief is about me.

Having said that, and understanding anniversary reactions, I try to be there for my mom on at least two of those significant days. On Valentine’s day I try to take her out for breakfast or lunch because that was the day my father proposed to her.

Today I wanted to remind myself, and perhaps you, that we are heading into a season where many people are facing difficult anniversaries. Holidays rip open the coping scar that develops over our deepest losses. That empty chair, the memories of the past meals or holiday celebrations that can only be revisited in our minds, like an old-fashioned black-and-white movie where everyone was younger and happy before the brutality of life intruded.

All that to say, be kind to yourself during this season of celebration, pay attention to those anniversary reactions. You can’t plan for them but you can be aware. Be kind to others, realizing there might grief underying the smiles of those around you. Sometimes they might not even realize why they are having a hard time. Not everyone realizes they might be having an anniversary reaction.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving week. I pray you find consolation with people you love, family or not, and even if you can’t, praise God for the good gifts He has given and His constant presences and faithfulness.

Author Confessions: We All Get Stuck

Jul1
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: We All Get Stuck

I remember a pastor asking me once how he could help hurting people. I told him that primarily people need to talk and he needs to listen, offer compassion, and maybe resources when appropriate.

That’s a very simplified look at counseling, yet sometimes it is the simplest things that can make a difference when we are helping someone, especially those stuck while dealing with difficult emotions like grief, anger, abandonment, betrayal… through death, divorce, abuse, neglect, or when someone close turns their back on you whether a friend, spouse, or adult child.

Complicated and strong emotions can be a challenge to deal with. You’ve probably gathered that from my various Dangerous Emotions posts.

Someone recently begged me to provide some simple things they could try to help someone who was stuck due to a traumatic loss. He was grateful for the help and figured maybe some of that could be helpful to you as well as you come across people who are hurting. Many of my books in my Orchard Hill Series look at aspects of this too, especially Pesto and Potholes.

You Can’t Understand

Even if you have gone through a similar situation: abuse, divorce, church hurt, loss of someone close, you can tell them you you can’t understand what they are going through. Every situation and person is different and the emotional fallout they experience will be unique. Even if you haven’t experienced it, you can tell them it hurts you to see him hurting. You don’t know what to do, which leaves you feeling helpless and frustrated.

o   Another way to say that might be: “(Name), when you repeatedly talk about _____________, I feel helpless and sad because I don’t know how to help you.” It’s not blaming the person, but acknowledging their pain while sharing your own feelings and desire to offer comfort.

o   You can acknowledge that the individual has trauma from all this and even suggest trauma therapy, or just regular therapy. Their church might be able to recommend someone. There are therapists online as well making it more convenient. It can be a suggestion and it is up to them to decide if they want to follow through.

Point out the Positive

God is always at work even in the difficulties of life. If you can, tell the person where you’ve seen growth or improvement in their life. It can be small. “I know you’re hurting but you got up today and even agreed to meet with me. That’s a win.”  Even if they seem stuck, help them see where they might be making strides forward even if it is three steps forward two steps back. They are moving. Try to remind them of the positives wherever you can. When dark emotions are clouding everything else they might not be able to see the positive.

o   Even as they are moving forward in so many ways, it is OK to point out they may still be acting helpless when it comes to the aftermath of situation with the various emotions they might be strugglign with like:  betrayal, abandonment, viciousness, and grief.

o   Avoid comments like: “I know how you feel,” or “God has a plan,” or “We all go through hard times,” or “Someday you will be able to see what God was doing.” While there might be truth in many of those statements they are not helpful when someone is spinning in emotional circles. They don’t care about the future right now or God’s plan. Pain can overwhelm all of that and it will come across as insensitive. Don’t put on a band aid where a tourniquet is required. Don’t brush off emotions as unimportant or that they should just, “Get over it already.”

Remind them of the Whatevers

Scripture tells us to focus on: “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is anything excellent or praiseworthy, let your mind dwell on these things. (Phil 4:8 NASB). I’ve even used this in some of my books. In psychology it is called reframing.

o   Example: When my car broke down when my kid were little, in the middle of a busy highway at night, and we needed to be towed, in the van, up on to the back of the tow truck platform, I could tell my kids were a bit scared. I told them “We’re having an adventure!” I must have used that too often for them because my daughter, in her car seat said, “I think we’ve had too many adventures.” LOL!

o   Anyway, if they say something like, “I don’t know what I did wrong,” You could respond with something like, “We all do things wrong in relationships, however, what did you do right? Maybe you weren’t perfect, no one is. Then focus again on the positive by pointing out positive virtues you see in them. Did they put on clean clothes? Do their hair? Even simple tasks like that can be challenging when emotions are overwhelming. Acknowledge the small wins but dont’ be patronizing.

o  One man I know used to say often, “I must be a bad man.” I had to remind him that while he is not perfect, and made mistakes, he is a good man with a kind and generous heart and not everyone can see that if they are fed lies and holding on to anger and resentment. Those lies do not need to become his truth. God sees and understands the truth behind all those things, and we can trust HIM to be the judge and take care of those who hate us or try to undermine us.

They May Not be the True Target

Sometimes what people are really opposed to isn’t us – it’s the God we are seeking to serve. As people draw closer to God then thedivide in a relationshiop can become greater. Especially for victims who have been abused and try to leave, it is the most dangerous time, even if they were never physically attacked before it could happen then. When we follow Jesus and make our life choices as He leads us some people will take issue with that and they might even claim truth from God to get you to do their will.

Much the vitriol people can spew out is more about Jesus than it was about a the person.  Just being around someone who is (imperfectly) seeking a godly path can feel like the Holy Spirit is poking someone who isn’t. One work of the Holy Spirit in this world is to convict people of sin and unrighteousness. That can make it uncomfortable for those who are walking away from Him and intentionally choosing a sinful path.

We all get stuck. I’ve been stuck and in hindsight I wish someone would have gently listened and then helped me see more and more the victim I had become. I felt hopelessly stuck but eventually God led me to resources that challenged me to change. That realization that I had slid into that kind of position was hard to swallow. Devestating actually. Thankfully between God, a wise therapist, and amazing friends who listened and loved me,  I was able to see God mature me, change me, and eventually leave that situation. God was with me every step of the way. We all get stuck but the good news is God never abandons us. Keep seeking Him. The LORD brings people with skin on to help us take steps towards healing and freedom.

I hope this helps when you find someone, perhaps close to you, who is struggling. We all get stuck at some point or another, so offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and love.

If you think I’m giving schmaltz that ignores blatant sin… stay tuned for next week.

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Abandonment

Apr14
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Abandonment

Since I wrote about betrayal last week, let’s consider a sister to it: Abandonment. Abandonment is another one of those lousy emotions that can truly wound someone who trusted in an unworthy person.

The first image that comes to mind is that of a dog. We’ve probably all seen pictures of abandonded dogs. I had one rescue who had been found abandoned on a street in Texas. He was pretty old but we’re not sure how old, and he was potty trained. Cooper was a little larger than your average Lhasa Apso and was sweet and playful. He did well with our other senior dog but became the best dog when he was the only dog. Not sure why anyone would have abandoned him, I believe our love helped him forget.

Dogs can recover from abandonment fairly easily if they weren’t also abused. Obviously, Cooper was in good health and well-behaved and bonded quickly with us. You can see his joy in one of my favorite photos of him. We miss him.

Abandonment can be both emotional and physical. With dogs, it’s usually physical. But in relationships, even in a marriage, it can be emotional if one has detatched from the relationship.

The new term is probably “ghosting.” That’s when someone cuts off communication without warning. That is still abandonment if there had been some trust established. Now, in the instance of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse, no contact is a good rule to follow. However, if that is not the case it is an easy way out for one person but could be devestating for someone else.

People with Borderline Personality Disorders often have a deep fear of abandonment which can lead to them being difficult and clingy and sometimes irrationally demanding. They have a host of other issues that are combined with this, but it is an extreme that can make it hard to reciprocate a relationship. That would the dangerous part.

Healthy relationships should be reciprocal. Give and take. Not by a tally system of who owes who what, but a generosity of spirit and trust. When that is broken and the relationship suddenly ended, it can be a deep wound for the one left behind, whether it is a child or adult.

Betrayal can accompany abandonment as can be experienced in some divorces that surprise a spouse. That can leave deep wounds if they had no idea the marriage was in trouble. Or if the instigator is leaving for another person. Ouch.

Abandonment at it’s core, hurts our ability to trust another person. In milder cases, it can be a tool that helps an individual to be more choosy in who they trust and invest their time and emotion into. The dangerous extremes are when someone refuses to bond with another person ever again, or even worse, becomes so clingy they perpetuate the cycle.

The individuals that have the hardest time recovering from these wounds are children. Foster care to adoption can be a wonderful healing process but it can take a long time to learn they are worthy of love.

Abandonment can lead to self hate if the individual left behind decides it was all their fault. Of course, when any relationship ends, it is good to assess what went wrong and where you might want to change your choices of actions and words for the future. However, to pour on yourself a heap of hatred and full-blame, is never healthy.

With the dangerous emotion of abandonment, I’m going back to dogs. Learning to trust again can happen in spite of abandonment with the help of therapy. Remember, a good counselor can help or good friends to help one process the loss. I remember at the end of my first marriage someone saying to me. “Just because he couldn’t love you, doesn’t mean you’re not loveable.” All these years later I remember those powerful words. Eventually, I found someone who loved me just as I was, imperfect but perfect for him. I was (and continue to be) blessed with constant reminders of how much I’m loved. Trust was easy to build and he’s needed some of those same messages from me.

The words from the Old Testament, in Deuteronomy 31:6 should offer comfort to anyone who has experienced abandonment. “Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them. For it is the Lord your God who goes with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. (HCSB)” God will never abandon those who trust in Him.

The dangerousness in the emotion of abandonment is when the person fails to process and learn from the end of a relationship and develop a wisdom with whom to trust in the future. That can take time. I would also suggest that if you do need to end a relationship, even if the person has been horrible, it is better to let them know in some way, even if it needs to be by text or email if they are toxic, than to just ghost them.

How have you coped with the dangerous emotion of abandondment or where have you seen it leave deep wounds?

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Grief

Feb17
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Grief

I mentioned last week in my post on the dangerous emotion of love that those who love deeply, feeling a depth of affection for someone, grieve deeply.

Grief, as opposed to love, is that not so good feeling that can weigh us down. It can combine regrets, anger, and even in some cases relief.

Relief? When there is a long illness and a lot of medical issues, doctor appointments, bills, or difficult decisions, then the end of those challenges along with the end of the suffering of a person we love, can result in relief. We still grieve as we miss them terribly but then wishing them to remain while in such depths of suffering is ultimately selfish, isn’t it? Not that we want to hasten death, but when it finally comes it is almost a welcome end for that individual who has suffered. And for those who suffered alongside them.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross defined five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are not necessarily linear going in order, nor do they have a time frame. The dangerous part is when someone gets stuck in the first four parts. Even with acceptance there is sorrow, sometimes deep gut-wrenching sorrow, but the individual can resume life without that person even though they will forever be missed and remembered. If you or someone you know is struggling with grief,  Grief Share is a powerful  ministry that helps people process their grief and loss so that they can move forward in life.

We can grieve more than just the death of an individual whether it be a spouse, child, grandparent, friend… We can grieve lost dreams, a pet, our health, a home, a break-up of a relationship that was dear to us, painful trauma from the past, the loss of innocence, and even our own sin. 2 Corinthians 7:10 states: “For godly grief produces a repentance not to be regretted and leading to salvation, but worldly grief produces death.”

Grief is a healthy emotion when we allow ourselves to express that through tears and talking about memories or regrets. It becomes dangerous when we try to numb the grief with alcohol, drugs, food, or sex, or perhaps something else. They are only temporary bandaids. Grief might expose other issues that need to be deal with like family-of-origin issues, abandonment, and coming to terms with our own mortality.

Grief can be held on to almost as a comfort as one might forget the person lost, or fear they will be dishonoring them by moving on with life. Choosing to be a victim of grief can be deblitating socially as well as emotionally, especially if the person was perhaps co-dependent on the one now gone. It can deeply wound a sense of identity and that may require counseling to wrestle through and define a new way of moving forward in life.

Grief can be dangerous when accompanied by trauma as well. Again, therpy, especially trauma-based therapy, might prove helpful.

Grief is complex and I am only giving a cursory glance at it here. If it is something you or someone you know are struggling with, get connected wtih Grief Share or a therapist who can help you move forward.

Those who have faith in Jesus will still grieve. Even Jesus wept at Lazarus’s grave, but was that for Lazarus or for those surrounding him who were grieving because they failed to see the Savior in their midst? 1 Thessalonians 4:13 states: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope.”

Whether we lose a person, a relationship or anything else, if we get stuck in grief we are failing to look to the Creator and Sustainer of life Who is always orchestrating everything according to His perfect will. Our suffering is temporary and no loss is without a greater purpose in His plans for us. 2 Corinthians 1:4 states: “He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” Now I confess that when I was in deeply painful situation that verse did not offer me comfort. Having said that, I have seen God use others and myself move past grief to purpose and multiple opportunities to be there to support others as they go through suffering.

Grief is a healthy emotion when expressed and worked through, often with some help and comfort from others. There is hope for those who walk with Jesus as the Holy Spirit is a comforter to us in our sorrows. The dangerous emotion of grief occurs when an individual gets stuck there, stuffs their emotions down, or self-medicates to forget. How have you dealt with grief? Have you struggled with this? What helped you most?

I explored the dangerous emotion of grief in my book Bratwurst and Bridges. 

Seasons

Nov25
Reading Time: 4 minutes

I was sitting in church yesterday and my mind was churning. All kinds of thoughts about how much things had changed in my life.

Many of those changes are good. Wonderful. A blessing. My hubby Ben is top of that list.

Some of them are to be grieved. Seasons pass and life changes. We change. 

Community Church Fond du Lac WI Women’s Worship Team at Ostoff 2006 (?)

I used to be the lead singer for a band. I had the confidence at that time. I used to oversee all the worship programming at a church in Menomonee Falls, WI, as a staff position. I used to be a worship leader… and it’s been years since I’ve sung on a worship team at church. Now that’s not totally the fault of anyone else because I’ve not submitted to an audition for a team. There are many reasons for that but the biggest one: I lack confidence. Every time I’ve sung at church in the past few years I received shocked comments: “I didn’t know you sang.” When I sing in front of others (or play guitar) I’m hypercritical and so worried about my “performance” and struggle because I want to be worshipping in “spirit and in truth.” I find I do that better from the congregation, holding my hubby’s hand. He loves to hear my voice and if only God and Ben hear me, I’m fine with that.

Jonah’s Vacation, late 1990’s Milwaukee WI

I’ve not been asked to speak at our Mother of Preschoolers (MOPS) group in years or any other event at church even though I have taught years of theology and even keynoted a women’s leadership conference at our church and possess a masters degree in Counseling Psychology. I coordinated MOPS and also led the Women’s Ministry for many years.

The fact is, if I promoted myself, I could probably speak at places – at my church and at others, or even sing, but one of the most vicious verbal beat-downs I ever received was from someone I looked up to in ministry. And it was all because I posted on Facebook about my writing, publishing, editing, speaking… you get the picture. Apparently, that made me evil, regardless of the fact that the most common things required of authors is to beef up their social media presence. I tried to a Matthew 18 kind of meet up for the purposes of reconciliation, but the person I had requested help from bailed on me. Time passed and I needed to accept that the perpetrator was someone I needed to disconnect from for my own health and well-being.

Now it feels like none of that happened. The band, the singing, the teaching… All gone in a poof of smoke known as…time. And I even fear doing too much self-promotion lest I encounter more abuse.

Oh, boo hoo. What a pathetic person I sound like!

Grief isn’t logical. I realized quickly that is exactly what I was doing – I was grieving. Grieving hits harder this time of year, sometimes out of the blue without me even realizing the date on the calendar. I should be able to predict it – but I guess I hope that maybe, just maybe, this year I’ll escape it.

I was wrong. But why do the above hit harder? It was all surface grief that covered over one major life event.

In late November 2003, I had a miscarriage.

Anniversary reactions are painful.

In December 2004, I gave birth to my daughter, appropriately named Joy Lucille which means “joyful light-bearer.” Lucille was my great-grandmother’s name.

Weeping may spend the night, but there is joy in the morning

Psalm 30:5b, Holman Christian Standard Bible

While her birth was something to rejoice in – her five-day hospital stay as we fought for her life – was not. Nor were the medical challenges that came later. For all that she’s healthy and a delight to my heart.

In November 2017 a judge hammered a nail in the coffin of a verbally abusive marriage. A relationship I had spent years grieving over so that one doesn’t have the same sense of loss to me. That was a relief.  God rescued me. He provided for me and my kids. He sustained me and I learned I didn’t need a man to have a good life.

I still wanted one. I still believed there were good men out there. I feared dating again. I kept my standards so high I shouldn’t have been able to find anyone that would meet my criteria. But God once again showed Himself. June 2018 I started talking with this great guy, Ben.

We began dating and it was amazing. Someone began slandering me to his family, but I quickly realized it wasn’t me personally that was the issue. It was anyone who would have won his heart. He’s worth that grief of those lies. He had to make a choice between maintaining a relationship with those people – or pursuing me. He chose me. And I’m so glad he did.

In December 2018 I married Benjamin. What a wonderful journey we’ve had so far. 

I’ll grieve my losses and be grateful for all that God has done to change my life for the better. It’s not all roses, and we still have challenges we face, but I’m blessed to have someone by my side as we face those challenges together. Someone to pray with me and for me. Someone who is proud to hold my hand and tell me he loves me. Not even a best-selling novel could beat that, or lots of adulation for singing or speaking anywhere. So I’ll let that go. If God wants me to do that kind of work He can make a way.

So I will grieve because the only way is to go through it. And I will rejoice in all God has done on my journey.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Be kind to yourself and others as we enter this season – underneath our smiles, many are struggling. 

Ben and me. December 2019

 

For Our Good (Book Review)

Sep4
Reading Time: 2 minutes

For Our Good book coverAuthor Paula Mowery departs from her romantic fiction to add suspense into her latest offering, For Our Good.

Our heroine, Charlie Jarvis has suffered some painstaking losses as a result of her pursuit of drug-traffickers.

After her latest loss she gets an unexpected undercover assignment–back in her hometown where her most painful memories are buried. She returns to do her job and finds herself dismayed that it includes attending a church where suspects might be. She has abandoned her faith a long time ago but is determined to do her job, even if it means sitting in a building where people worship the God who killed everyone she loves.

Colton Thomas is a free-wheeling corporate pilot who is intrigued by the dark-haired beauty.

He’s also tempted by the chance to earn large sums of money delivering packages. His partner, Marshall interferes with this desire much to his frustration. Charlie challenges him in a different way, by making him want to be the kind of man she would want in her life. He’s forced to look harder at his own life and walk with God before he can ever help her with her own.

Charlie likes Colton but struggles with the lies she’s had to tell as part of her undercover work.

Friends she makes in her old hometown shine God’s light with painful regularity and encourage the relationship between the two. But the air needs to be cleared and the drug dealers brought to justice before healing can take place and God can once again restore life, love and faith for them both.

This book is a great look at the power of love and faith, first with God and then in relationship with others.

It confronts the sometimes superstitious thoughts we attach to God when bad things happen, and how we can allow those to keep us from growing closer to Him. I really enjoyed this story and the characters in it. She created an entire group of people to become acquainted with and she deftly tells the tale of more than Colton and Charlie’s journey because the reality is, we never walk this path of faith alone, and Paula illustrates that beautifully.

Available in print and ebook versions.