Author Confessions: I’m Younger Than My Biological Age

Jun23
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: I’m Younger Than My Biological Age

Last year I had a dream that I was to throw a party for my birthday this year. So with my husband’s blessing and the help of some close friends, the planning began. That was before a lot of other things sprung onto the horizon!

When this post goes live it will be my actual birthday, something I’m normally quiet about. Two days ago however a bunch of friends came to celebrate with me.

I still can’t believe I’m as old as I am. Surely there is an error on my birth certificate and my mom lied, right?

The only problem is my body sometimes complains more than it should. And without my wonderful hairdresser (Love you, Michelle!) I would sport a glittering crown on my head. My kids are adults and I’m an empty nester. In a few more years I’ll be able to get Social Security.

Surreal. But maybe everyone goes through this kind of thing?

The party really wasn’t designed to celebrate me though. It was a way to say thank you to some of the people who have been and still are a part of my life. I wanted to give something, not just be “Yay, Susan, you’re awesome!” Partly because I know all too well how fallible I am and in need of God’s mercy and grace.

I also don’t act my age. Neither does my husband so many people guess both of us as much younger, but married for far longer than we really are. I’d say that’s a pretty cool God thing, wouldn’t you? If I can laugh loud, love abundantly, and enjoy the work God has placed before me, I’m pretty blessed indeed.

It really isn’t about things though, is it? It’s about the people who have been a part of my life for however long God grants it. We never know when the end will be so why not celebrate with those I am grateful for who have enriched my life? Some can’t attend which I understand. It is summer after all.

So happy birthday to me. I’ll add a few photos I’ve unearthed from my younger years. (the ones that make me look good! LOL!) That younger woman is still inside me, older perhaps, and hopefully wiser.

Author Confessions: Fighting the Lie That There’s Not Enough Time

Jun16
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Fighting the Lie That There’s Not Enough Time

I’m in a busy season and I was aware that during this year I would be stretched and would face some challenges. Some of those were of our own making. We believe God called us to something but just because He leads us on a path doesn’t mean it will be an easy journey.

My word for the year is BREATHE because anxiety can well up when I am overwhelmed with too much to do, it can border on panic. I’m juggling a lot of balls of different weights, colors, and shapes and I’m not that great at it.

My mind wants to complain: “There’s not enough time to do all this!” And yet, somehow I’m in the middle of June and things have been accomplished. Maybe not as fast as I would prefer as I’ve had to put some things temporarily on the back burner, but they have been done.

One day when I was busy doing marketing stuff, a friend texted wanting to meet. Right now. My first internal response was NO! I don’t have time for this! I paused and reminded myself of a lesson I learned many years ago–the hard way–that people are more important than tasks. So I said yes. I closed my laptop and headed out the door and I’m glad I did. My friend had gone through terrible losses and was in the midst of several significant life changes all happening at the same time. We sat at a mostly empty Dairy Queen and she sobbed out her fears, grief, frustrations, hope. Dreams were coming true but there had been a gut-wrenching journey to get there and it wasn’t over yet. I listened, consoled, empathized, and gave lots of hugs (and napkins to wipe away tears). We parted and I returned home to resume my work. My friend needed me and I’m grateful I could be there for her.

Another friend called the other day, stranded, and needing a ride to a city about 50 miles away. Right now. I again was diving into an intensive work project (that I still haven’t returned to!). I dropped everything and went to pick her up and drive her to her destination, with a stop at Chick-fil-a along the way because neither of us had had lunch. She apologized and was grateful but I reminded her that we’ve both been busy and I’m grateful that we had a good time to visit and catch up.

My husband complained about a project taking too long. I had to remind him that God is in control and perhaps those delays were to protect us. Nothing is wasted in God’s economy.

There is the lie that there is not enough time, but somehow things get done and if I have too much to do, maybe it’s not what God intends for me to do today. If I seek Him for the next steps, somehow He accomplishes what He needs for me to do. That’s hard when there are several items on a to do list beyond the everyday things: dishes, laundry, yard work, paying bills, making meals, shopping, church, and sleeping.

The lie is there isn’t enough time. The truth is, perhaps I’m not focusing on what God really wants me to do. If I believed the lie I would have worked instead of being there for my friends. Maybe God understands that our timeline is not possible and if things are delayed, it might be because He, in His perfect wisdom, understands our limitations.

That’s a hard one to swallow to someone who likes to check things off her list. And likes to know the plan. Well, I have a glimpse of His plan and it’s exciting, however, the journey to accomplishing all of that is requiring more of me than I expected.

BREATHE.

I had a nightmare last night that somehow in the busyness of the last few days, I’d forgotten to write a blog post. A few hours after I woke up this morning I realized it was not a nightmare, but the reality of life. I even debated about not writing one at all. Here I am after two appointments and mowing the lawn, writing a post that just gets scheduled a few hours later than normal.

I’m OK with that because maybe the lesson God is reminding me of, is something you need to hear as well.

I’m going to take a few breaths, finish up this project and a few other things that slipped through the cracks and then get back to the grind, or not, if I run out of time for today. I’m good with that because God knows my heart and the purposes He calls me to. Sometimes I get too caught up in the small stuff to see the bigger picture and to remind myself that God is faithful and will see me through. If I need to cry like my friend, with all the emotions that fight to be felt, that’s going to be fine as well, and maybe, if I’m brave enough to ask, a friend will sit and listen to me too.

Fight the lie that there is not enough time. Let God guide your next steps. A friend often reminds me: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How do we follow the path God leads us on? One step at a time, clinging to Him all the way.

Author Confessions: Relationships Are Messy

Jun9
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Relationships Are Messy

Does that statement seem more like a “duh” to you? It does to me. As an author we want to have conflict and obstacles for a relationship to face as a story progresses. We want the characters to struggle in their relationships. Kind of sad that we don’t want to read smooth, conflict-free, stories when we were initially created for that kind of life in the Garden of Eden. I can’t imagine how this will play out in heaven when conflict and struggle is all we know down here.

We all come to relationships with a history of good and bad, sometimes trauma, physical, spiritual, or emotional wounds (or all of the above). We come with a family culture that is likely unique from faith, traditions, language, and even the foods we eat. Our neigbhorhoods might be different from others. We might even dress or look different. Our finanical status will impact the quality of life we experience and the kinds of resources that are available to us.

This is why those from a similar cultural upbringing might have an easier time than those from totally foreign experiences. That doesn’t guarantee if you marry someone of the same skin tone, faith, school background and family background and even genetics, that you will be conflict free.

We are so unique in so many ways that it really is a miracle when people can get a long at all. We are emotional people as well and the way we are wired is not identical to anyone else even if you can fit in a similar Meyers-Briggs catagory. I have three close friends and we all share the same Meyer’s Briggs type – but we are still so very different from each other.

I was watching Doc Martin a while back and his wife struggled with how different Martin was but finally had to realize that there is no one who is truly “normal” and trying to completely change him without considering that she might have some flaws to iron out as well, was difficult for her to come to grips with. She finally did.

Appreciating someone for the unique person they are does not mean excusing sin or enabling destructive behaviors.

An author has to take this all into account while writing a story. Sometimes it is the quirkiest characters that people love the most. Maybe that is because all of us have some quirks and can relate to feeling different at times.

If we think any relationship is going to avoid conflict and the need to navigate difficulty, we are delusional. It is what makes stories so much fun to read, but in real life it is rarely comfortable or fun. Often when we face someone else’s personality rubbing ours the wrong way, we need to look at ourselves to figure out how much of that is them–and how much is us.

Not everyone is going to be a friend. Even so that doesn’t mean we need to be disrespectful to them, even if for our own sanity we need to avoid or limit our interactions with them. That is a tricky balancing act: preserve our emotional well-being while trying to be respectful. Boundaries can be hard to execute but we need to do that and be clear about those limits where possible. It’s OK to protect yourself in any interaction.

It’s a miracle that after traumatic pasts, both my husband and I generally get along well and enjoy each other’s company. When life is stressful, or someone is in pain, or doesn’t get enough rest, or is hangry (angry due to hunger) it can definitely complicate our interactions. It would be nice if we could all just totally get what is going on inside someone’s head, but I guarantee mine is sometimes a dumpster fire and not pretty.

So why do I bring this up? Because in our fantasies the right person in our life will make everything perfect. We deny the accomodations, the negotiations, along with everything else that goes into a relationship. We need to be real because sin has impacted every aspect of this world. It seperated us from God but can also drive a wedge in between us and people we care about. Navigating all of that takes humility, prayer, and effort.

Do you agree that relationships are messy? How do you navigate that in your own life? What kind of characters are you drawn to in fiction and how messy are their lives?

Author Confessions: Just Write

Jun2
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: Just Write

When I started writing, it was a mere lark, a response to a dream and I had a blast putting those words on a page. That first novel (The Virtuous Viscount) underwent years of rewrites and revising and I still love the story even if it was an arduous process. It wasn’t the first book I published either, it was my tenth published work, my fifth full-length novel. By the time it was published I had accumulated a series and was writing in other genres and lengths. But it began with that one story I had dreamed about for years.

I remember one of the first conferences I attended, surrounded by other writers and it felt like home! They understood the writing life, the lessons to learn, the arduous path and the long shot of monetary success.

Over the years I’ve had the opportunity to talk to others who want to write. They want to know all there is to know before they start writing that story on their heart. I tell them to write it. Just write it. If you worry about all you need to know before you write, you never will. Even attending a conference can seem like drinking from a fire hose with the amount of information that comes your way.

My advice? Just write. 

Then start getting the information you need to edit and revise. You cannot edit a blank page.

I have done critiques for conferences and at one I got two different submissions from one person. The first one I struggled with. If this was the start of the story, I didn’t understand what he was trying to do. The second was stellar. When I met with him face to face to share my thoughts, he confessed they were part of the same story. The one I didn’t get, was the first chapter. The one I loved, was fifth. I told him maybe it would be better if he started there. He whined about all that wasted work. Nothing is wasted. Every thing you write, even if you have to take it out, adds to the experience of your story and makes you a better writer in the long run. I’ve thrown out a few first chapters on my journey as a writer.

Kind of true with life isn’t it? We go through tough times, make mistakes and can think it was all a waste of time. Yet on the other end we have grown through the process to hopefully be more mature and make wiser decisions. Yeah, I know that doesn’t work for everyone. Especially in this current climate where everyone is a victim and have no desire to take personal responsibility for their lives.

That doesn’t work as a writer. Don’t even bother then. Don’t pin all your hopes on being a New York Time’s Best Seller and being offered a boatload of cash for your years of hard work and learning. Sure, we would all love that, but the reality is a combintation of things: 1) There are a lot of writers publishing, even self-publishing, which can make it hard to push through the noise, 2) The attention span of most has become quite short. Add to that the possiblity that what you want to write and enjoy doesn’t have a wide audience ready to read it, publishers call it a niche market.

Does that mean a wanna-be author shouldn’t write? Absolutely not. But do so realizing that you may be a long time away from ever seeing fame and fortune from those wonderful words that pour from your pen or fingertips.

I apologize if I’m being a Debbie-downer.

Writing is lonely and criticism can be brutal and the journey to publication isn’t a glorious ride on a cruise. It can difficult and filled with hard work. It can be fun and enjoyable as well, especially if you connect with other writers.

I was at a conference where there was a contest and the winner would get a contract with a publishing house. The head of that house murmured that he wasn’t sure if it was a blessing or a curse, because once that person had a contract, the really hard work would begin. He wasn’t joking.

The winner wasn’t me but I have had contracts. I even had to terminate one when the publisher wasn’t following through on their end of the contract. That was hard. I had an agent, but never got anywhere with getting one of those coveted contracts with a big publishing house. I eventually stopped waiting for that big break. I don’t need fame to prove I’m a writer or that my words matter.

I was able to get published, but that didn’t come right away. I started writing for fun in 2009 and my first book wasn’t published until 2015 although a flash fiction and a short story were published in 2012 (shortly after that first conference!). Pretty much nothing more than writing credits. Six years but I had written so many books in that time and alternated between writing one and then setting it aside to edit a previous one, then writing another… you get the idea.

The reality is, I write books I want to read. My agent begged me to write Amish romances, but I refused because I thought they were cultish. I’ll tell you now, that after having adopted two Amish puppy mill rescues, the only story I would likely write would be one exposing how horrible they are. I have a sweet pup who has been with us for almost a year, just turning four–and is still traumatized. She didn’t produce enough puppies so they were going to kill her. My other dog, was going to be drowned because they couldn’t sell him for their exhorbitant prices.We got him at six months and in spite of a break in his tail which is camouflaged by the hair there, and a slightly wonky jaw, he is a delight to our home.

If you feel called or compelled to write, do it for yourself first. Yes, the common theme at writer’s conferences is to know your audience. Well, you are the first person in that audience so write what you would want to read and don’t worry about the rest. Not everything you write needs to be published, either.

There is no one right way to write a novel or non-fiction book. Sure, there are prinicples that need to be there, but you can get there by writing, reading, and learning along the way. Attend writer’s conferences if you can. If money is an issue, some have scholarships that can help.

It’s fine to dream of publication, but there’s no point in doing that if you haven’t written a word. Writing for the sake of writing has value as well.

My advice? Just write. 

 

Author Confessions: Happy Memorial Day

May26
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Happy Memorial Day

I hope that wherever you are you are getting a chance today to remember that many who have gone before us and some who left us way too soon. They sacrificed for the freedom we enjoy today.

Memorial Day is to remember those veterans who have died, whether during service or after. I found this short poem years ago and put it as my Facebook header every year at this time because Joseph Rodman Drake wrote it so beautifuly. “And they who for their country died shall fill and honored grave, for glory lights the soldier’s tomb and beauty weeps the brave.”

As this weekend is upon us, I’m thinking of my grandfather, James B. Pollard, who passed away in 1989 after a battle with cancer. Both wars that are difficult for the individual and the families left behind. During WWII he kept a journal of his experinces. Not day by day, but musings of things he couldn’t send in a letter to his wife and two children left at home in Wisconsin. They didn’t know where he was going and what he would face. Reading his memories forced me to rethink about the men who fought (and still fight) our battles. Many are so very young. My grandfather had a toddler and newborn when he left for war, but many others did not. Some were wiser and mature and others were foolish and impulsive and he details the shenanigans and difficulties. My grandmother gave me permission to publish this work. I primarily wanted it to be something for my kids, grandkids, or anyone else interested. That little book is in kindle and print at the lowest price I could make it, so I don’t profit off of it. Journey to Lekhipani: A G.I.’s Experiences in WWII. It’s not a long read but he had a way with words and I could almost see and smell India when he writes about arriving there.

Version 1.0.0

This book is also in the U.S. Army War College Library and Archives at the U.S. Army Heritage and Education Center at Carlisle, Pa, due to an assist from my first cousin once removed, Richard S. Brown, who has also written a book, and his interview on my blog can be found here. There isn’t much written about the war in India, but that was where my grandfather was sent. Just writing about this now makes me want to read his book again this weekend, even though I retyped the entire thing to get it published, it’s a story that resonates with me. He was my grandpa but long before that he fought for the children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and great-great grandchildren to come, and many who would never get to know the sweet man he was.

Grandpa lived to come home, have another child and raise his family and lived to see grandchildren. So many others never got that opportunity. My grandmother never spoke about the war to her children and didn’t save the letters she exchanged with her husband during that time. It was too painful. My father said that as a child the Army stuff was stashed in a corner of the garage. After his death, however, with military honors, the flag was in a box and kept as a momento by her until she too passed away.

I was twenty-three when Grandpa died and I still have fond memories of him from my childhood. I grieved the the future he would never have, that he wouldn’t be there to see me reach certain milestones in life. He was only sixty-eight when he died.

This year my husband lost his older brother who also served in the Army, and he too, died way too soon. Memorial Day will be significantly more poignant because of that.

What is it about a 21 gun salute, followed by Taps, that makes me cry?  Death, sacrifice, freedom. As they say, freedom is never free. Unfortunately, too many these days feel entitled to it but would never sacrifice their lives for it.

My publisher has been promoting my novel, Finnian’s Rescue, and while it is about a veteran, he doesn’t die in this story. If you like a military survival story, you can check it out and I’ll be thrilled if you would write a review. If you purchase and read my grandfather’s tome, a review there would be lovely as well.  Other military romantic suspenses I’ve written with DeeDee Lake are: Operation: Camouflage Christmas, Operation: Allegiance, Operation: Reconnaissance and Operation: Skirmish and hopefully come December: Mission: Hannah’s Heart.

Enjoy this day, but don’t forget and thank God for the brave men and women who have died to give us the opportunity picnic, work in the yard, celebrate with friends, go camping, have a parade, and eat brats (I’m in Wisconsin, it’s a thing). Thank Him as well for the families left behind, some of whom never got to hug their service member when the war was over, but instead stood beside a flag draped coffin.

How does this relate to fiction? That is a work in progress for next year. You’ll have to wait and see, but the past impacts the present in a beautiful way, and of course it’s a romance.

Happy Memorial Day.

 

Author Confessions: Flip the Script (AKA Reframing)

May19
Reading Time: 7 minutes

Author Confessions: Flip the Script (AKA Reframing)

As an author, I get to dictate how my characters tell their story which can sometimes reveal how they view the events of their past. Sometimes, even the not sharing of details can tell a lot as well as the emotions they experience attached to those events.

This is also true for us as real life human beings. However, we can learn to reframe events and consider them from a different perspective which can sometimes make difficult memories easier to bear.

Years ago, when my kids were little and the youngest was in a forward facing car seat, our car decided that after coming to a stop for a red light, on a busy road at night, that it would not move. Transmission issue. After calling the police to see if they could protect us from being hit from behind, because of course was in the middle of three lanes at that point, I called for a tow truck. When the tow truck arrived, he needed to pull our mini-van onto a flat bed trailer. The rules for the company he worked for stated that there could be no occupants. The police officer, however, insisted that it was not safe for us to evacuate three children in the middle of a busy highway. The tow truck operator relented. My kids were frightened about this little ride and I told them cheerfully, “This is an adventure!”

Apparently, I’d been trying to reframe far too many things that way because my youngest said, “I’m tired of having adventures.” Funny kid, but she was serious and scared. After we were secured on the truck, he moved us to to a bank parking lot just off the highway where we then had to empty the van of our belongings, children, and their required car seats. I think that was the most terrifying part because we were really high up at this point with not much space to step when outside of the van. I’m handing my kids down to a tow truck driver, friend, and police officer to help them off. Thankfully, we got everything out safely and transfered  to another vehicle someone brought for use while that one was being repaired. Hint: we eventually ended up purchasing a different model of mini-van that was not as prone to those transimission issues.

Was it an adventure? Sure it was, although I wonder if my kids even remember that night like I do. I wanted my kids to feel safe in a dangerous situation and unfortunately, they saw through it. I was trying to reframe a disturbing event into something fun, like a carnival ride. Didn’t work, but I tried anyway. I think the tow truck driver thought was nuts when he heard me yell that joyfully to the kids. Maybe I was. Maybe I still am!

We all have a tendency to recite stories of our past I believe we become more fixed in those stories as we age. Listen to any older person as they tell the same stories over and over again and in pretty much the same wording. The issue might be senilililty but the brain remembered something it had recited for years.

Part of psychology helps people to look at negative events differently. Sometimes as we grow older we recognize that while an event happened and we reacted to it a certain way, as we gain more information that can change our perspective. Understanding more of what drove another person to say or do things can help us not feel as victimized, which in many ways can decrease a trauma response when the past is brought into fresh light and examined.

My husband has a way of telling a story of his more recent past that concerned me and I finally told him that perhaps he could word it differently. We talked about how not everyone needed to know all those details but if the main point of his story was the ending, and what God did for him, then perhaps he should focus on that part of the story instead. Sometimes dredging up the past and reciting old hurts is a way to process trauma we don’t completely understand. However, if we understand that God used that in a powerful way, then maybe we can learn a new way to talk about that event. It has changed some of his conversations now which is a positive step for him.

I hope I’m making sense. Reframing, or flipping the script and changing the stories we tell ourselves about our past can be a part of our healing process. I think this might be why God kept telling people to mark down events that happened and recite the might acts of God on their behalf. This way they wouldn’t be so inclined to focus on the negative and be whiny complaining victims, instead of trusting a God who had done miraculous things to rescue them from slavery to the Egyptians. Songs were written and sung. There are repetitions throughout Scripture of the faith of those who believed and the faith they had in God.

We too easily fall into a victim mentality and I believe this has escalated in our current cultural climate. Too many have become spoiled, lazy, and entitled. As well as angry and vindictive. This is nothing new. The Israelites did that in the desert, defying and doubting God at every turn and then suffering the consequences of that.

I’m not saying we cannot talk about what hurts us. Life is hard we all face challenges at some level. There are highs and lows in all our lives and sometimes we have to move past hurts from our past to learn a new way to see the world–and the God who created and designed us and delights in those who come to him as Father. For a time it is good to talk a bout these things with someone who can help us view it differently.

For instance, I kept telling myself I was lazy. Then a doctor told me I had Hashimotos Disease, a Vitamin D deficiency and a few other things. I wasn’t lazy, I was sick, and those malfunctions in my body, impacted my ability to function. I’ve been in remission for a long time now which is wonderful. However, when I have a day when perhaps I don’t get as much done, I do have a wonderful husband and friends who remind me of all I do accomplish. A wise therapist said, “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for the things you do well.” Whoa.

It is part of our sinful human nature to focus on the negative. The world loves to argue and take issue with people and color individuals with a broad stroke of insults. The reality is we do this to ourselves but perhaps more subversively.

When I have a low key day, I’m learning that I need to listen to my body and trust that a slower pace, or rest, are more in line with what God wants for me that day. I don’t have a tendency to procrastinate, and to be honest, I have a lot on my plate and am juggling so much right now that I’m writing this post the day before it is scheduled to appear. That is not normal for me, but God is ultimately in control of my days and hours and if I’m seeking Him first in all things, then everything else will eventually fall into place. Tell my brain that when I’m trying to go to sleep and all of a sudden the slavedriver inside starts whipping me about a cacophany of things to be done, almost as if I should rise and do them right that moment.

But sleep is important too and without that, anything I try to do the next day is already jeopardized. So I tell the slavedriver to leave me alone and focus on breathing and drift off to sleep. 99% of the time that works anyway.

Reciting the good things God has done, and the ways He has been faithful can help. During a difficult time I asked a friend to remind me of God’s faithfulness to me. I needed to hear it said. She wouldn’t do it because she said I had no faith. I called another friend, a sweet older woman who told me all she had seen God doing in my life and told me that sometimes we need others to remind us. Scripture back this up as older people are to remind the younger of all God had done. That’s general history. How much more do we need to remind ourselves? Those things become part of our testimony of God’s work in our lives.

Someone said to me, “I can’t  believe you married him (referring to my ex-husband).” I told her, “I understand why I did, and what was going in me at that time, but it’s not worth discussing now. I am a different person today, than I was then, and those experiences changed me.” What that person considered a way to insult and demean me became useless. I’m not that person anymore and if I tried to explain it to her she likely wouldn’t understand the role she played in all that. Which is fine. It’s not something important to dwell on now, at this time in my life, when I’m married to a man who treats me with love and respect, and sincerely seeks my best interests. God rescued me and while I despaired over the delay of that rescue, now I can see that His timing was perfect and I’m grateful He helped me stay close to Him through those painful years. Those events are now in a book on a shelf in the library of my mind and I typically only pull out and recite the stories of God’s tangible presence and the ways He continually showed me He loved and cared for me even when I sometimes doubted it.

Refraiming. Flipping the script. Are there events in your life you need to revist and view from a different perspective of time and maturity?

I love these lyrics by Bob Farrell and Greg Nelson. Long Look is an older song but sometimes taking a long look can help us see things more clearly. What do you think?

I can hardly believe my feet have brought me this far
To the top of a mountain, at the edge of the stars
And I know there′s a reaon God has shown me this place
To see with new vision the journey I face
I’m a river that reels through the distance below
Winding through choices and the way I must go
I take a long look, a long look
It′s a hard climb that takes a long time
I can see where I’m going and some places I’ve been
I take a long, long look
Every summit I reach seems the highest I′ve been
With my valleys below, God renews me again
I can say my good-byes to all the struggle and tears
When I see through His eyes I′ve got nothing to fear
For joy’s there to meet me and wisdom′s my friend
My companion that helps me find purpose again

 

Author Confessions: Mother’s Day Thoughts

May12
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: Mother’s Day Thoughts

It is the day after Mother’s Day and I’m not sure, if you are a woman, how it went for you. I’m writing this before the day so my mind is mulling this around.

Mother’s Day Fiction?

How does this relate to fiction? How often, in reading a book, do you find this day on the calendar entioned? Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fourth of July, maybe, but other holidays don’t get much attention, including Resurrection Sunday/Easter.

Mother’s Day can be a mixture of so many emotions, and not a comfortable one to explore in a story meant to entertain so the holiday is likely not to feature in a story.

Mother’s Day

Maybe Mother’s Day has more to do with fiction when I first thought of writing this. The cards in the stores and the push for gifts all make it seem to promote a fiction over things that are not true.

  1. All Mothers are happy
  2. All mothers are wonderful and perfect
  3. All children want to honor their mother

I’m sure there could be more lies out there but let’s look at these specifically.

All Mothers are Happy

Motherhood is a difficult job and whether a mom has a job other than the full time mothering or not, it is a difficult, exhausting job. Any mom who acts like it is all sunshine and roses is lying. Most moms struggle to do well and many fear they are failing. There are so many opposing positions that make it difficult to make choices for fear of being maligned for those choices. Add marital challenges, finanical struggles, behavioral issues, a variety of personalities with some clashing (especially if the child is a lot like you!), discpline challenges, possible health issues (mental, emotional, or physical), and then the spiritual challenges if you are trying to raise your child in the Christian faith. There is not any one perfect way to handle any of these. Add the residual grief from children lost due to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other reason that might result in a child dying, there can be deep sorrow that never leaves.

This doesn’t meant there isn’t great joy in being a mother. I still remember how tired I was with my second child. I timed how much of my day was spent nursing him and it was eight hours! He was a lazy feeder but such a snuggler! While I struggled with being forced to sit, rock and feed my little sweetie, I also miss those days when he would snuggle in. There is joy in seeing child grow up and find his or her way. It can also be a grief when they struggle to be an adult and you need to step back and allow them the freedom to fail.

Children can choose to reject a mom as well. No matter how much a mom gave of time, love, attention and yes, sacrifice, a child can grow up and decide you weren’t good enough to be respected, honored, or remembered. Maybe they’ve been lied to by someone else. If that was an especially difficult child, there is a silver lining in not needing to deal with the drama and stress that person might bring with them.

When my kids were little, my oldest child drew a picture of me and he saw me as angry. I realized I wasn’t regulating my emotions and stresses well around my children who I was with all the time. I worked hard on that and when my second child was in grade school he wrote that his mom was always happy. Maybe I went too far? I had to tell him that I do have sad moments too, but those are not burdens for a child to carry so I tried to be happy and encouraging around them regardless of the worries and burdens I carried inside.

All Mothers Are Wonderful and Perfect 

This is an outright lie but the truth is, the majority of moms really try hard to do the best they can and yet we all fail at some point. We lose our temper, or fail to discpline as well as we should. Or struggle to understand an unusual personality that is so different from ourselves that we struggle to parent.

These issues don’t resolve when the child leaves home either. We all make mistakes and have expectations or desires that are not necessarily going to be fulfilled. It should be my kids seeking to connect. Will they? I write this before the day but my expectations are low because I realize how much I failed to do so with my own mother when I was their ages.

I honored my mom before the day because her plans will keep us apart on Mother’s Day.

All Children Want to Honor their Mother

As I mentioned, not all kids are clued in to this. Perhaps it was not modeled or encouraged by their father. That is the case from my own family. While I encouraged them to honor their dad, it was never reciprocated. Without a tradition or history of doing this, how is a young adult going to even remember that the day exists when they are busy working and paying their own bills?

From a child’s perspective (even they are now an adult), if that parent was abusive in any way, it can be hard to want to honor them or even recognize them any day, much less on Mother’s Day. With an un unhealthy mom, sometimes it is healthier to keep a distance and no contact.  However, a child can still honor her in his prayers and by not fostering anger and bitterness.

Mothers Day Is Complicated

We all have a mother, whether they are still alive or not, whether they are safe or not, whether they are in our lives or not.

What about those who decided they didn’t want ot be moms because it was inconvenient and aborted a child? There is deep sorrow that goes with that whether they recognize it or not. Every Mother’s Day there will be a shadow of the child that could have been.

Some would idolize Jesus’s mom, Mary, but she was as human and fallible as any of us. She too, was human, imperfect, and I’m sure she failed time and again in trying to raise the Son of God to adulthood. She was chosen for a task. God chooses every mom to be a mother to the children He decides to place in their lives, for however long He chooses. They are ultimately His and we may only have them for a short time.

We need to be careful not to idolize moms no matter how wonderful they can be, because a mom can only be wonderful if she’s leaning on our Savior Jesus to do the difficult task we’ve been called to. God gives us grace for the hard times and forgiveness for our mistakes. We can only hope and pray that our children will do likewise.

Happy Belated Mother’s Day. No matter what sorrows or joy you experience, any mom was called by God to do this job which is one of the hardest on earth. Cling to Him with all the good and bad, the successes and failures, and rest in Him. God loves you, Mom.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Hope

May5
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Hope

Why and how could hope ever be considered dangerous?

Hopelessness

Many years ago, I recieved a gift from a wise mentor mom. It was a Christmas candle that spelled out HOPE. She said, “I realized that this is what you need most right now-HOPE.” Now I had faith and hope in Jesus and complete trust in His salvation, but I lacked hope that He who is able, would not rescue me from the painful circumstances of my life. I believed God was good, but doubted He would be good to me. I would reason that there were people far worse off than I was (and therefore more worthy of rescue?), and that in spite of my salvation found in Jesus, I was no more special than anyone else needing help. I didn’t deserve that kind of grace.

Psychology talks about learned helplessness which can lead to hopelessness. The sensation that I had no agency to change my circumstances and therefore I was helpless and hopeless. Depression makes that worse, as well as some chronic health issues. Fatigue, poverty, abuse, can eradicate hope.

When that mom gave me that candle, I began to realize I had abandoned hope. I was hopeless in my situation. Hope wasn’t easily found. That one word HOPE eventually led me down a better path when it refocused on my need for it.

Hope Deferred

We can hope for many things. Rescue, a new home, a long-awaited child, healing from an illness. Nothing is too big or small for God to be concerned with. When we don’t understand His timing, the hope seems so far off, and we can lose hope. Not necessarily to the point of hopelessness, but we can doubt it. Hebrews 11:1 states: “Now faith is the certainty of things hoped for, a proof of things not seen.” Hope is closely tied into our faith in Jesus. We can all struggle with doubt at different points in our lives. Proverbs 12:12 describes it this way: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Hope is always about a future event or thing. In essence, it is about something deferred. Hope is the present time of expection, but when we lose that expectation it is grief to the soul.

Hope in the Wrong Things

Psalm 33:17 states: “A horse is a false hope for victory; Nor does it rescue anyone by its great strength.” How often do we put our hope in things that don’t last? The perfect spouse, kids, family, eductation, job, car, home, health, our talents and gifts. God guarantees none of those things. There are people living in third world countries that experience greater joy and hope than we do in America because we are faced with so many shiny objects and ideas to put our hope in. Where are you placing your hope? What is it that you truly hope for?

True Hope

The author of Hebrews wrote: “This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and reliable.” (Heb 6: 19a) I love that image of an anchor, holding us fast to Jesus and all His promises. When we place our ultimate hope in HIM, we can experience great freedom and joy. The apostle Paul wrote: “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints.” (Eph 1:18) What a prayer to pray for yourself and others.

We can hope for good weather for a picnic or family reunion. We can hope that God will heal someone. We can hope for a good night of rest. None of those are inherently bad, but when we expect immediate results then we can be in trouble. If our hope is in God, we will ultimately want HIM above all to be active in leading, guiding and working in and through us. Paul prays in Romans 13:15 “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Hope is an anchor but it also gives us wings to head into the future with joy and expectation. Our ultimate hope is our coming face to face with Jesus and hearing “Well done, good and faithful servant.” That should be a hope we strive for, and we can only accomplish that hope by the power of the Holy Spirit who is alive and at work within us the moment we receive Christ as Savior and Lord.

Where is your hope today? Where have you struggled with the dangerous emotion of hope? As human beings, filled with emotions, they can make or break us, but I hope reviewing this will help you recenter on the Source of hope, Jesus.

 “Let’s hold firmly to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.”Hebrews 10:13

 

 

Author Confessions: Are Some Sins Worse Than Others?

Apr28
Reading Time: 7 minutes

Author Confessions: Are Some Sins Worse Than Others?

We often elevate certain sins as worse than others, even in the church. Now realize, nothing I’m saying here is to condemn anyone who struggles with issues. We all sin in some way, even if in our thoughts. I’m not exempt from that as much as I’d like to be as a follower of Christ. Even in my best efforts to honor Him I fall short on a daily basis, often without even realizing it.

In Christian fiction we try to not elevate any sin as acceptable. For instance, if a person drinks alcohol to excess, we highlight the negative consequences. My Gothic Regency novels have a statement at the beginning about how some of the drinking mentioned in the story, was a cultural thing and not intended to promote drinking or drunkenness. It was a fine line to be historically correct while not leading someone else into sin. “Well, if Marcus can drink than so can I, after all Susan M. Baganz put it in her novel. (The Virtuous Viscount).

When I started writing about dangerous emotions, I started with anger, because a pastor had preached about how it was sin. I disagree. You can check that out here: Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Anger.

The reality is, when God created the world, everything was good. There was no sin. God put Adam in headship over Eve, and that was good. Marriage was good. Nakedness was good. Sex was good. Emotions were good. Even mosqitoes were good. The fall corrupted everything, all of creation was impacted. Blood was shed and now we needed to cover our nakedness. Imagine on the Ark, all the animals. They were fed vegitation, not meat. Lions didn’t eat meat back then. All creation was originally designed for a vegitarian diet. After the flood, we were able to eat meat. Animal’s hunted, killed, and consumed prey. I’m not advocating for a vegitarian diet, just stating a biblically accurate historical fact.

Obviously killing animals for sacrifice happened before the flood as did killing other people (Cain and Abel). But no one ate meat until after the floods receded.

I digress but I think it’s important. Sin took everything wonderful and corrupted it. Everything is impacted and as generations go on, we see increases in genetic disorders, and chronic illnesses that were not as prevalent in previous generations. Now some of that might be due to environmental factors, and the food we consume, true, but still, it just shows that things move to disorganization and diease. The Second Law of Thermodynamics states that everything devolves. Now some state thht this isn’t true because the universe is not a closed system (required by that scientific law), however, there has never been any new  information added to our DNA added through natural processes, and our genetic code is devolving not evolving, hence, more physical disabilties. This occurs throughout creation, not just in human beings.

In essesence, sin impacts everything. Not just in our thoughts and behaviors, but everything from our physical well-being to weather.

If sin impacts everything, why do we consider some sinful actions worse than others? Why would a pastor condemn anger, but not addiction to caffiene? (We do serve coffee in our cafe at church). I have one friend who smokes occassionally and drinks occassionally. Her perspective is “I do not want anything like that to control me.” My husband doesn’t drink alcohol because “No one starts drinking planning to become an alcoholic.” While that is true, that does not mean people who drink (even Jesus drank wine in the Bible) are sinners. Scripture states that drinking alcoholic beverages is fine and can be beneficial in moderation. Drunkneess, however, is sin.

Moderation is not something Americans do well at. We are more of a culture of excess.

We could state that obesity is sin–but obesity can have many causes and perhaps only one of them is sin. When I was pregnant I could gain 10 lbs in two weeks without changing my diet. I’ve had Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and it didn’t matter if my thyroid was high or low, I was tired (not lazy) and gained weight, without changing diet. The problem is, although medical issues can cause weight gain, once those core issues are resolved, doesn’t mean the body lets go of all that fat. There are many other causes for weight gain than overindulgance in food. Saying that, however, does not mean that we should just eat whatever we want, just because we can. I’m guilty of not always making wise choices with food.

Our society has approved of things Scripture clearly states as sin: homosexuality, murder (including abortion), slandar, lies, wife-beating, drugs, drinking, buying favors, injustice. Now, let’s make a distinction with homosexuality as an example. One can have urges and desires and not act on those. It is the act of homosexuality that God condemns. So we can love and embrace a person who struggles with this issue without condoning a behavior.

Why do we elevate some sins over another? Suspected murders are raising money and villifying the person murdered. Lies are whipped up to convict people who don’t agree with a person’s political views even while committing the sins they are trying to charge someone else with. (Isn’t that called gaslighting?)

While I am all for justice, we have seen that perverted as sin impacts humans and their judgement. We all have our biases when it comes to everything, don’t we? How often do we evaluate those in light of Scripture?

Thinking about killing someone is the same as doing the act according to Scripture. Jesus was, as I have said, the first and greatest cognitive behavioral therapist. Thoughts, words, and actions come from our heart and what we dwell on in our minds. They are intimately connected. In many issues, the worst of sin is in our thoughts and minds.

Matthew 5:28: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Matthew 15:19: “…out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”

Matthew 22:37: “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’”

Mark 7:20-22: He [Jesus] went on: “What comes out of a person is what defiles them. For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly.

Luke 6:25: “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”

Some religions focus on big sins, i.e. murder, abortion, sex outside of marriage (adultary and fornication), homosexuality. Some make rules that have nothing to do with sin but they treat it as such: girls must have long hair and wear skirts or dresses, men must have short hair, no makeup, no listening to secular music. No going to movies or having friends who are not of the same religious sect as you are. These are all surface issues though, aren’t they? By the way, the Pharisees did this as well. Some of those sins have negative real life consequences that are more obvious. Other, “lesser” sins can just as equally scar the soul but never be seen or called out.

All sins are equally bad at the foot of the cross.

We need to be careful to judge the sin of others. Judging is another topic. A huge one and not part of today’s post.

The reality is, while we all have a sin problem, and sin contaminates everything in this world, including our thinking and our hearts, we need to be careful and evaluate ourselves before pointing out the sins of others. I have sins I am aware of, battles that go on in my mind. Some of them I verbalize to a therapist or a close friend or two, only those who love and follow Jesus. Otherwise they would not understand. See, I can mistakenly condemn myself for things that are not even sin.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind, and with all your strength.

(Matthew 22:37, Mark 12:30 also Luke 10:27 but in a different order).

All of those start with the heart. Our sin is ultimately an internal issue for each of us. What we focus on impacts that greatly. Luke 12:34: “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

So, instead of focusing on sin, perhaps we should focus on our treasure, Jesus Christ. It is only through the power of the Holy Spirit that we are able to transform any of those areas of ourselves impacted by sin: heart, mind, soul, and strength. Our behaviors flow out of that, whether good or bad. We cannot do this on our own strength. When we are focusing on loving God, and seeking Him for His active Presence in our lives, and not what He can give us or what prayers He can answer, then we have the ability to battle our sin and become transformed more and more into the likeness of Christ. Thankfully, when we submit our lives to Christ, and accept His perfect sacrifice on the cross, then we are seen by God as pure and holy as Christ is, even though on this side of Heaven we will still battle sin. We don’t do it alone.

I’m not saying we cannot talk about sin and what God calls sin in the Old and New Testaments. We should. An invisible standard isn’t a help to anyone. Even children need to know where the boundaries are. When God calls something sin it was because He is protecting us. It’s is funny to me how people will get all bent out of shape about divorce (another topic perhaps for another time) but find murder in times of war acceptable. Isn’t murder also sin? Yet King David went to war, but first killed Goliath for mocking God and demeaning His people. Jesus even said divorce was acceptable because hearts are hard. Jesus did not elevate marriage as an idol to be worshipped at the expense of the life and well-being of a wife or husband who is being verbally, physically, or emotionally abused or abandoned by a spouse whose heart is hard. (Check out this article for more). In contrast, adultery by as spouse doesn’t always mean divorce should be the go-to solution.

Why are some sins worse than others? Because it is easier to call out the things we see, the outward behaviors, in others, than it is to deal with the true issue of our own hearts. I’m not going to ask you to expose your own sins here on my blog (you won’t anyway) but maybe it’s time to take stock and spend time in His Word and savor the treasure we have in Jesus so we can be better equipped to battle the sins in our heart.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Resentment

Apr21
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Resentment

I start out writing these posts with really no idea where I’m going to go with them. Mostly it is me processing this and considering it, something many people rarely do, so I hope these are as beneficial to you as they are to me.

I’ll admit I’ve struggled with the dangerous emotion of resentment. That usually comes from unresolved conflict or perhaps someone I need to forgive (again) for wronging me at some point. Perhaps that person was even confronted about their trespass but were unrepentant. It’s easy to resent someone like that. Or perhaps I resent someone who snubbed me. There are are people I’ve served with in ministry over the years who will be cheerful and happy to my face in a fake way, but won’t accept a friend request on Facebook. Now granted, maybe there are not on there very much, but still, it says something. Or maybe they were at one time a friend on social media and unfriended me. I have no idea why. I don’t try to be political or divisive in my postings on there, or rarely advertise my writing or even this blog on my personal page.

So what do we do with these feelings of being snubbed, insulted or perhaps even injured in some way, shape, or form?

As with any emotion, we need to take it to God. I’ve had instances where I’ve been unable to seek out reconciliation and instead of wallowing in resentment I leave it in God’s hands. In my mind I have this imaginary stamp that I’ve placed on their forhead that says: UNSAFE. Those people do not deserve an intimate connection with me. Trust has been broken, and I can be polite and even friendly but refuse to go deeper than that. One individual called me after a year of little contact and she complained that we don’t talk anymore. She  forgot how she tore me to pieces when I confronted her on her treatment of me in various ministry groups we’ve been in (publicly demeaning me). I went away from that initial conversation crushed. Since that time I gave it to God. During that call, I gave her the information she requested without stating anything more about my life or even asking about hers. I just don’t care to have a relationship with her any more than I do with someone from a call center trying to sell me car insurance. I have detached any emotion toward her. I view her as unsafe but without any resentment. I wish her well, but don’t desire to be a part of her life, or have her in mine as she has not proven worthy of my trust.

I have resented the way people have treated someone I love. Evil stuff really. In this instance, resentment comes very close to hate if you consider it on a continuum. Or even anger. It can be a combination of all of the above. Or how about jealousy? We can resent people for being blessed with things we don’t have, even if they don’t flaunt those blessings.

Resentment can become dangerous when we hold on to it. It can fester and grow into some of those other emotions I mentioned. If we have a habit of holding on to that it can become pervasive where we resent a lot of people over things and treatment, real or imagined. As it grows it can impact our spiritual and emotional health as we harbor such an ugly poison within us. The dangerouse emotion of resentment is at it’s worst when we resent the God who oversees our lives and perhaps denies us our request in our timing or blesses someone else the way we want to be blessed. That’s serious one to pray about. His ways and timing are not ours. He is always at work and we need to trust that in His perfect love and plan, that He does have a reason and there is good coming out of even the darkest days.

Does resentment ever do us any good? Well, in some ways when we can identify that emotion, we can examine more closely the way we are experiencing it and deal with it. Emotions are involuntary but there are often thoughts behind them that influence them and their severity. What are the thoughts? Someone doesn’t like me and won’t friend me on Facebook. OK, that is their perogative. I’ve reached out to be friendly and it is not reciprocated. Why would I want a relationship with that person anyway? I can let it go, be friendly if I see them, fully aware that the cheerful greeting I get is phoney and move on with my life  grateful for the true friends who are a part of it. I don’t need people like that as part of my inner circle.

The dangerous part of the emotion of resentment is when we hold on to it and let it grow. Stop feeding it with negative thoughts. Instead bring them before God and then perhaps even another person to process and understand the why, so you can deal with it, and move past it, leaving resentment starving in the dust behind you as you move forward in your life. Who has time for that anyway, when there are so many other wonderful things to focus on the many wonderful things God has and is doing in our lives?

How have you dealt with the dangerous emotion of resentment? I’d love to hear of any tips you might have used.