Author Confessions: Love Takes Courage Part 3 of 3
Love takes courage in marriage and friendship but what about our families?
How does this all translate to adult children? There is a season of development where they must detatch and start their own life apart from their parents and that distance can be hard for the parents. I have a son who doesn’t communicate much but he’s busy living his life. He loves me and gives me hugs when he sees me. There’s no animosity there. I often admitted when I was wrong as a mother and apologized to my kids. I never wanted them to think I knew it all or was perfect. I wanted them to know I loved them.
Most parents are like this. They love their kids and would have died for them as children. When scorn, verbal abuse, and disrespect comes, it can be shocking to a loving parent who tried their best and sometimes failed. I’ve often wondered about these choices. There is a self-validation in that victim mentality and resulting seperation they use to show they they are superior to the spurned parent. The whole 5th Commandment goes out the window and even if they claim to be a Christian they can disregard it and it’s consequences.
I’ve not always gotten along with my mother. It’s not unusual for a mother and daughter to have conflict. We’re good now and understand each other better, but it took leaving an abusive marriage for me, and time for both of us to get there. Even in the years when I struggled I always tried to treat her with respect. She was the first one to visit when my children were born and it was a comfort to me. I was grateful, no matter our past differences. Do we discuss them? No. I’ve let the past stay there as we built a new relationship as adults. I understand her better now, her own personal history, challenges, and pains. I think she understands some of mine too. We can talk and have even taken trips and enjoyed the time we got to spend together.
The Triangulation Trap.
Someone in my family told someone else in my family that I apparently once said something negative about him and/or his kids. That right there is triangulation. The irony is that this individual is guilty of the same thing, but I have not refused to come to a family Christmas gathering because of it. His criticism of my family at times was probably even accurate so why debate this? Triangulating and telling others about perceived wrongs is dysfunctional and cowardly. Instead of coming to me with his offense he’s used it as an excuse to avoid the family as a whole, because in reality, he’d rather be elsewhere. I got to be the scapegoat. He is a coward. I’m letting it go.
Drive By Shootings
An adult child we know, had a relationship with his father and the father’s new wife. Suddenly, everything changed and he erupted in viscious attacks toward the father. The dad blocked his abuse, but the child decided to attack his father through the wife who had hoped for reconciliation and had kept lines of communication open. She quickly blocked all further communication after the attack. That man didn’t want to resolve a conflict or seek to understand if what he’d come to believe was true or not. He wanted to inflict pain. This is not love. This adult is a coward. Cutting all ties on behalf of the parent makes sense when this kind of verbal abuse is happening. A child who loved would ask questions and seek to understand, but it takes courage to admit you might be wrong or your interpretation of events is shaded by someone else’s agenda.
What is sad is that honor your parents goes out the window. They walk away from God and the people God put in place to love and help them grow. God sees and knows the pain they inflict and their sinful beliefs and actions. We can trust Him to deal with those individuals.
Epidemic
There is an epidemic of this kind of thing going on in our country and I’m beginning to believe it ties back to that victim mentality that some people wear like a badge of honor to make them feel superior. Relationships take time and effort but they can also bring much laughter and joy. All people are flawed and make mistakes. It’s part of the sinful human condition. God asks us to look past that with love, and honor the parents we’ve been given, because they won’t be there forever. It doesn’t mean we need to be their best friend but as one grows to be an adult, the child can now seek to understand their parents as human beings who have also gone through difficulties and did their best.
Love takes courage and relationships can be difficult. We are all uniquely and wonderfully made but our sin nature can make things messy. We need the Holy Spirit to help us navigate all our relationships as we seek to love others the way God wants us to. Have you had challenges like these? How did you handle them?