Tag Archive | death

Author Confessions: Anniversary Reactions

Nov24
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Anniversary Reactions

Today will be twenty-two years since I learned I had lost a baby I was carrying. My third child. I have it marked on my calendar but sometimes I get close to Thanksgiving and forget–except my brain and body doesn’t. I can be moody and sad without realizing it. This year the date falls on a Monday which was the day I found out. The Monday before Thanksgiving.

The same happens with other significant losses. Moods will emerge that surprise me, which is why I keep those things on my calendar every year just as I do birthdays and anniversaries. Those are about others–grief is about me.

Having said that, and understanding anniversary reactions, I try to be there for my mom on at least two of those significant days. On Valentine’s day I try to take her out for breakfast or lunch because that was the day my father proposed to her.

Today I wanted to remind myself, and perhaps you, that we are heading into a season where many people are facing difficult anniversaries. Holidays rip open the coping scar that develops over our deepest losses. That empty chair, the memories of the past meals or holiday celebrations that can only be revisited in our minds, like an old-fashioned black-and-white movie where everyone was younger and happy before the brutality of life intruded.

All that to say, be kind to yourself during this season of celebration, pay attention to those anniversary reactions. You can’t plan for them but you can be aware. Be kind to others, realizing there might grief underying the smiles of those around you. Sometimes they might not even realize why they are having a hard time. Not everyone realizes they might be having an anniversary reaction.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving week. I pray you find consolation with people you love, family or not, and even if you can’t, praise God for the good gifts He has given and His constant presences and faithfulness.

Author Confessions: Happy Memorial Day

May26
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Happy Memorial Day

I hope that wherever you are you are getting a chance today to remember that many who have gone before us and some who left us way too soon. They sacrificed for the freedom we enjoy today.

Memorial Day is to remember those veterans who have died, whether during service or after. I found this short poem years ago and put it as my Facebook header every year at this time because Joseph Rodman Drake wrote it so beautifuly. “And they who for their country died shall fill and honored grave, for glory lights the soldier’s tomb and beauty weeps the brave.”

As this weekend is upon us, I’m thinking of my grandfather, James B. Pollard, who passed away in 1989 after a battle with cancer. Both wars that are difficult for the individual and the families left behind. During WWII he kept a journal of his experinces. Not day by day, but musings of things he couldn’t send in a letter to his wife and two children left at home in Wisconsin. They didn’t know where he was going and what he would face. Reading his memories forced me to rethink about the men who fought (and still fight) our battles. Many are so very young. My grandfather had a toddler and newborn when he left for war, but many others did not. Some were wiser and mature and others were foolish and impulsive and he details the shenanigans and difficulties. My grandmother gave me permission to publish this work. I primarily wanted it to be something for my kids, grandkids, or anyone else interested. That little book is in kindle and print at the lowest price I could make it, so I don’t profit off of it. Journey to Lekhipani: A G.I.’s Experiences in WWII. It’s not a long read but he had a way with words and I could almost see and smell India when he writes about arriving there.

Version 1.0.0

This book is also in the U.S. Army War College Library and Archives at the U.S. Army Heritage and Education Center at Carlisle, Pa, due to an assist from my first cousin once removed, Richard S. Brown, who has also written a book, and his interview on my blog can be found here. There isn’t much written about the war in India, but that was where my grandfather was sent. Just writing about this now makes me want to read his book again this weekend, even though I retyped the entire thing to get it published, it’s a story that resonates with me. He was my grandpa but long before that he fought for the children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and great-great grandchildren to come, and many who would never get to know the sweet man he was.

Grandpa lived to come home, have another child and raise his family and lived to see grandchildren. So many others never got that opportunity. My grandmother never spoke about the war to her children and didn’t save the letters she exchanged with her husband during that time. It was too painful. My father said that as a child the Army stuff was stashed in a corner of the garage. After his death, however, with military honors, the flag was in a box and kept as a momento by her until she too passed away.

I was twenty-three when Grandpa died and I still have fond memories of him from my childhood. I grieved the the future he would never have, that he wouldn’t be there to see me reach certain milestones in life. He was only sixty-eight when he died.

This year my husband lost his older brother who also served in the Army, and he too, died way too soon. Memorial Day will be significantly more poignant because of that.

What is it about a 21 gun salute, followed by Taps, that makes me cry?  Death, sacrifice, freedom. As they say, freedom is never free. Unfortunately, too many these days feel entitled to it but would never sacrifice their lives for it.

My publisher has been promoting my novel, Finnian’s Rescue, and while it is about a veteran, he doesn’t die in this story. If you like a military survival story, you can check it out and I’ll be thrilled if you would write a review. If you purchase and read my grandfather’s tome, a review there would be lovely as well.  Other military romantic suspenses I’ve written with DeeDee Lake are: Operation: Camouflage Christmas, Operation: Allegiance, Operation: Reconnaissance and Operation: Skirmish and hopefully come December: Mission: Hannah’s Heart.

Enjoy this day, but don’t forget and thank God for the brave men and women who have died to give us the opportunity picnic, work in the yard, celebrate with friends, go camping, have a parade, and eat brats (I’m in Wisconsin, it’s a thing). Thank Him as well for the families left behind, some of whom never got to hug their service member when the war was over, but instead stood beside a flag draped coffin.

How does this relate to fiction? That is a work in progress for next year. You’ll have to wait and see, but the past impacts the present in a beautiful way, and of course it’s a romance.

Happy Memorial Day.

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Grief

Feb17
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Grief

I mentioned last week in my post on the dangerous emotion of love that those who love deeply, feeling a depth of affection for someone, grieve deeply.

Grief, as opposed to love, is that not so good feeling that can weigh us down. It can combine regrets, anger, and even in some cases relief.

Relief? When there is a long illness and a lot of medical issues, doctor appointments, bills, or difficult decisions, then the end of those challenges along with the end of the suffering of a person we love, can result in relief. We still grieve as we miss them terribly but then wishing them to remain while in such depths of suffering is ultimately selfish, isn’t it? Not that we want to hasten death, but when it finally comes it is almost a welcome end for that individual who has suffered. And for those who suffered alongside them.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross defined five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are not necessarily linear going in order, nor do they have a time frame. The dangerous part is when someone gets stuck in the first four parts. Even with acceptance there is sorrow, sometimes deep gut-wrenching sorrow, but the individual can resume life without that person even though they will forever be missed and remembered. If you or someone you know is struggling with grief,  Grief Share is a powerful  ministry that helps people process their grief and loss so that they can move forward in life.

We can grieve more than just the death of an individual whether it be a spouse, child, grandparent, friend… We can grieve lost dreams, a pet, our health, a home, a break-up of a relationship that was dear to us, painful trauma from the past, the loss of innocence, and even our own sin. 2 Corinthians 7:10 states: “For godly grief produces a repentance not to be regretted and leading to salvation, but worldly grief produces death.”

Grief is a healthy emotion when we allow ourselves to express that through tears and talking about memories or regrets. It becomes dangerous when we try to numb the grief with alcohol, drugs, food, or sex, or perhaps something else. They are only temporary bandaids. Grief might expose other issues that need to be deal with like family-of-origin issues, abandonment, and coming to terms with our own mortality.

Grief can be held on to almost as a comfort as one might forget the person lost, or fear they will be dishonoring them by moving on with life. Choosing to be a victim of grief can be deblitating socially as well as emotionally, especially if the person was perhaps co-dependent on the one now gone. It can deeply wound a sense of identity and that may require counseling to wrestle through and define a new way of moving forward in life.

Grief can be dangerous when accompanied by trauma as well. Again, therpy, especially trauma-based therapy, might prove helpful.

Grief is complex and I am only giving a cursory glance at it here. If it is something you or someone you know are struggling with, get connected wtih Grief Share or a therapist who can help you move forward.

Those who have faith in Jesus will still grieve. Even Jesus wept at Lazarus’s grave, but was that for Lazarus or for those surrounding him who were grieving because they failed to see the Savior in their midst? 1 Thessalonians 4:13 states: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope.”

Whether we lose a person, a relationship or anything else, if we get stuck in grief we are failing to look to the Creator and Sustainer of life Who is always orchestrating everything according to His perfect will. Our suffering is temporary and no loss is without a greater purpose in His plans for us. 2 Corinthians 1:4 states: “He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” Now I confess that when I was in deeply painful situation that verse did not offer me comfort. Having said that, I have seen God use others and myself move past grief to purpose and multiple opportunities to be there to support others as they go through suffering.

Grief is a healthy emotion when expressed and worked through, often with some help and comfort from others. There is hope for those who walk with Jesus as the Holy Spirit is a comforter to us in our sorrows. The dangerous emotion of grief occurs when an individual gets stuck there, stuffs their emotions down, or self-medicates to forget. How have you dealt with grief? Have you struggled with this? What helped you most?

I explored the dangerous emotion of grief in my book Bratwurst and Bridges. 

Oliver’s Opinion: Making Christmas Again (Book Review)

Nov15
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Oliver here! I’m so excited for Christmas because last year I was too small and in an Amish puppy mill so I didn’t understand all the colorful lights and the tree and gifts! That’s why reading Penelope Marzec’s book Making Christmas Again is compelling, because sometimes Christmas just doesn’t feel like Christmas. Have you ever experienced that? Obviously I did last year as no one even told me there was such a thing.

Celeste has a lot going on. Her mother died so she’s gotta leave a challenging job situation to go home to settle affairs. She’s the only remaining person in her family which is terribly sad. She also had broken up with a menacing boyfriend/boss and had uncovered his embezzlement and was a whistleblower, only her employer doesn’t realize this yet. She also left her mother’s faith behind her, focusing more on numbers than the intangible.

She arrives home to find someone living in her mother’s basement. Make that two someones! I’d be barking my head off! Especially since one is a little boy whom I would love to play with. This little boy has Down Syndrome which her deceased sister also had, so now she’s missing her mom and her sister and there’s a snowstorm.

Sawyer is the father to this precious little soul and is also grieving Mrs. Greenfield’s death as she had been so helpful to him with his son after his wife died and had encouraged him in his business, even renting her basement space for his work. Celeste hadn’t been told. Now he has a new landlord who can’t see past her own grief and challenges to trust, much less celebrate the faith her mother held dear.

Death, upheaval, an extra chromosome, snow, and other challenges face these two characters as they find their way through each day to understanding each other and maybe even falling in love. But will Celeste stay in town or will she return to her employer leaving Sawyer’s heart broken?

Through all the twists and turns, challenges, and snowstorms, these two people might find a miracle yet and Christmas might once again be cherished and celebrated.

Mom loves Penelope’s writing so you should give her a try if you haven’t before. Buy Making Christmas Again. I give it five bones because I’m a dog. Oh, and leave her a nice review after you’ve read it, it really does help an author out.

Minnie’s Remarks: Lillian’s Last Christmas (Book Review)

Nov8
Reading Time: 2 minutes

It’s Minnie again. I’m glad Mom is giving me an opportunity here. Karen Malley’s latest Christmas novella, Lillian’s Last Christmas, could sound like a downer, but if you knew this Christmas would be your last, how would you celebrate it? The way that Lillian does has an impact that goes far beyond the grave.

Lillian hasn’t seen her college friends for some time but they had such wonderful memories together and had stayed connected through the years of life and hardships. Unfortunately, Lillian is facing the biggest of those but it is one that brings her peace and joy and she wants her friends to experience that as well. So she invites them to her home to celebrate Christmas with her.

When her four friends arrive she shares her sad news along with the joy that comes from Jesus and Christmas and her desire to experience that with them all. Her friends react in shock and dismay but decided to make this the best Christmas ever by celebrating major holidays she’ll miss next year, including her birthday. Each bring gifts and distinct personalities to the fun and their friendship grows stronger as they celebrate life, and a looming death.

Will Lillian get the dearest wish of her heart to see her four closest friends come to know the peace that can only be found in Jesus? You’ll have to read it to find out. If Lillian gets her wish, the party will someday continue in heaven which sounds like a wonderful Christmas gift to all.

I give this story five bones. Please pick up Karen Malley’s unique Christmas story, Lillian’s Last Christmas. It might challenge you to more purposeful as you  go through the upcoming holiday season. Oh, and leave a nice review after you’ve read it. It helps out an author a lot!

 

 

 

Time is Precious

Dec25
Reading Time: 4 minutes

We sing songs about this being the most wonderful time of the year. Sure there is a sense of awe, and the lights are beautiful but for many there is another empty chair at the table, or someone they can no longer place a call to and say “Merry Christmas.”

Christmas isn’t always merry. I’m sure that first Christmas wasn’t even quiet. We sing Silent Night on Christmas Eve, but let’s be real. Giving birth, no matter where you do it, is rarely quiet, and you hope it won’t be when a baby is born. We want to hear that cry. Imagine that, the Savior was born and the first sound out of his mouth was a cry. The Word of God had no words.

And today, there might be tears for some people. Loneliness will flare as they miss someone they love. Whether that person passed away, or perhaps has chosen to hold on to anger and resentment and refuse to engage in a relationship.

Losing people we love makes you stop and take notice, doesn’t it? Every day is a gift and we need to cherish the moments we have with the people we love. For those who are alive and refusing a relationship with a family member will find that letting resentment fester will only breed regret. When death comes, they will never have the opportunity to resolve the issues that seperated them from someone they currently despise. No more opportunity to forgive and extend that forgiveness.

There are people I know who have cut themselves off, believed lies, and instead of getting the truth or making the time, will not have any contact with someone biologically close. In many ways this is a blessing. The toxicity of those individuals would make having any kind of relationship more of a “walking on eggshells” type of thing. But family is family and sometimes you set boundaries on just how much time and effort you put into those relationships. To cut someone off without at least trying to let them know why, or what they have done, does not help anyone. It is not love.

Families are messy. Every person growing up in a home has grown up in a different family. Every interaction or perspective is only from their point of view and therefore skewed, but often we think that our “truth” is the only right perspective.

I took a trip with my mom in October to visit The Creation Museum and The Ark Encounter in Kentucky. A one day drive there, a day at each place, and a day’s drive back. We have never spent that much time together one-on-one and it was good. We laughed and we also shared deeply personal stuff–things we’d never told each other before. I learned things about her childhood I didn’t know and it helped me understand her better. She understood a little more some of my choices and wounds. I will treasure that memory of our time together and am intentional to be more in touch than I was when I was younger.

Other members of our famly won’t call, or text, much less have a conversation. I feel sorry for them because they don’t know what they are missing. Someday, reality will hit hard and hopefully they will understand the truth they refused to believe about the family member they’ve spurned. I’m being cryptic here to protect people. Someday, the spurned person will die. It happens to all of us. What then? Will they come to the funeral and spill their vitriol there? Or will they have an awakening at some point and face regrets over never taking the time to understand the choices that other person made–or the woundedness that was lying under the surface? I don’t envy them the grief that will be compounded when they realize the wrong they’ve done by their actions–or lack thereof.

Relationships take effort, time, and humility. Selfishness destroys the most precious gifts God gives us–each other.

Adult children should grow up to be adults, and relate to their parents as such, while showing them the honor due their role. Sure, respect is something a person earns but everyone should have at least a core respect for the dignity an individual created in the image of God. That includes all of us.  God does take notice of those who fail to do this. In a way there’s a double curse on those children who spurn a parent or are even outright hostile to them without just cause. Especially those children who claim to love Jesus.

This isn’t a feel good post on this Christmas Day, but I wanted to honor those who are hurting. Those who feel the deep wounds of rejection by someone on this day of all days. Or who are missing someone who they lost to death.

God sees. He is Emmanuel, God with us. Even if others are not, He promises to never leave us. Hold tight to Him and like our home, we will wait for Him to vindicate those who have been slandered and spurned. We pray for repentance and reconciliation, but realize we may never see it because those individuals have free will. Time is precious and fleeting and we only pray they realize that, and turn from their bitterness. Before it’s too late.

If you are hurting this Christmas, I hope it is a comfort to realize you’re not alone in struggling with the season. Make the most of the wonderful grace and provision God has given us even if there is hurt lingering around the Christmas tree. Celebrate the One who came to free us from the wages of sin and death and anticipate the day when there will be no more tears and grieving.

I pray you have a blessed Christmas, and treasure those relationships you do have. Time is precious. Make the most of those moments.

 

Memorial Day

May30
Reading Time: < 1 minute

I’m not military but have had family members who were. In spite of that, I have held great admiration for our men and women in uniform. So many have died to protect the freedoms we hold dear and today is our day to pause, reflect, and remember their sacrifice.

And maybe we need to ask ourselves: Are we helping to preserve our freedoms from within? Do you vote? Have you read the constitution? Some have said, and I believe it, that if our nation is to fall, it will be from within, not without. Day by day, and week by week, we see the values our soldiers have fought and died for being trampled.

In honor of them…we too should be willing to fight for our country in our own way, in our own communities.

Have a blessed day of remembrance.

Lessons Learned While Writing: God Led Me Down a New Career Path

Apr18
Reading Time: 2 minutes

When I started my writing journey, I was a stay-at-home mom with a master’s degree in counseling psychology leading a ministry to women at my church. I didn’t anticipate going back to work for a few more years as I firmly believed in being there for my kids, even though it involved steep emotional and financial sacrifices. Not need to dredge that all up here.

I wrote a book. Gothic Regency Romance. I wondered if I could write contemporary and tried it. Then I wrote another Regency. Then a contemporary and on and on it went. Flip-flopping back and forth and trying to keep my language straight: not putting modern words in a story taking place in the early 1800’s and not putting Regency-era language in a modern romance. Then, of course, cultural differences. And I was enjoying myself immensely. And learning more and more about the craft and editing.

I fell into editing because a friend suggested a position to me. I applied and after much prayer accepted the offer. I could work from home. I set my own hours. Oh, but I only got paid when the books sold and based on the book’s sales. It wasn’t much but I was learning more and more with every novel I not only wrote but edited. And then I started teaching on faculty at Christian Writer’s Conferences as well as meeting with and encouraging other authors who were where I was not that long ago. Again, not a huge financial boon to my family, but I was making an eternal impact in the lives of my readers, my authors, and those who read those books.

I’ve added teaching a continuing education class at my local state university and that’s been well received. And I keep writing.

I don’t know what I thought I’d be doing by the time my kids left the proverbial nest, but writing is perfect for me as my retired but very busy husband likes that I’m home, and travels with me when I speak. He understands the bigger picture of what I do and supports that endeavor regardless of how much, or little, money I might make.

I may not have gone to school to become a writer, but writing well is what allowed me to succeed in school and in my first career. I still use those skills more than you might think. None of that degree was wasted. And the Hard Knock School of Writing doesn’t give out degrees until you’re dead so I’ll keep plugging away at it.

Have you seen God take you down a different career path from what you originally intended or went to school for? What happened? Please share!

Ode to Benji

Mar28
Reading Time: 2 minutes
Benji – a rescue we adopted as a senior dog in September 2020 with many issues, put down in March 2022 due to biting combined with neurological decline.

Benji was an old pup, overweight, beset with quirks
Peeing in the house was high on the list of what would irk
He could be kind of bossy, and a bully when he played,
But most of the time he snuggled, my Velcro dog by day. 

Spoiled rotten he was and a piggy to boot
He'd scare himself whenever he'd toot.
He lost the weight and the allergies too
But with focal seizures and shaking, his brain was going to-da-loo.

He'd nip and growl if he didn't get his way,
Or perhaps when he was surprised, 
Instead of moving out of the way
He'd lunge and with his teeth - swipe. 

He'd finally crossed a line with the one he loved most
One quick movement and his future was toast.
He took a bite out of my calf, through jeans he left his mark
It was with relief and sorrow that we'd finally come to part. 

I never thought it'd come to this
The decision needed to be made.
A dog that bit was too high a price
For what I'd have to pay. 

To walk around my home in fear
Out of love for a dog so dear
And worry about our friends who came
It was time, but just the same

To say good bye is hard, even when you're hurt
To lose a loved one so cute and bury him in dirt

But I've learned things and know I tried
To give him his best life before he died.
He was loved and cared for, free to run,
And now his journey is over and done.

Bye-bye, Benji with those big soulless eyes
Your whimpers will no longer awaken me before the sunrise
I will not miss your belly bands or cleaning up your pee
But I will miss you snuggling right up next to me.

Spatzle Speaks: Meow Matrimony (Book Review)

Feb15

Reading Time: 2 minutesLisa Lickel follows up Meow Mayhem, her first novel in the Fancy Cat Cozy Mystery series with Meow Matrimony. I love that this comes out on Valentine’s Day weekend!

Ivy Preston can’t seem to stay out of trouble in her new town of Apple Grove. Now that her fiance is the mayor, life has changed. Planning a wedding is a lot of work and when the wrong invitations arrive at her door, what would a good neighbor do but deliver them to the correct bride? Only when doing so Ivy discovers the bride-to-be is dead! Soon she and her former fiance, Stanley, become suspects and chaos ensues.

Her mother and Adam both believe in her innocence and then in addition to all that, one of her kittens falls ill. Ivy fears that if she can’t keep a kitten alive how would she ever be a good mother someday? With suspicion of murder hanging over her head could she ever be the wife of the mayor?

With Adam’s unfailing love, her mother’s support and the company of dear friends she’s made in her new home, is it possible she can be cleared of her crime in time for her wedding? But even more than that, can they find the real killer?

As I’ve said before, I love cats so this series has my undivided love and affection. With sweet romance and an intrepid heroine, this mystery will keep you guessing till the end just “who-done-it.” The mark of an excellent author. I give this book five bones because I’m a dog and I don’t have thumbs.

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that’s how we roll.