Tag Archive | God

Author Confessions: Mother’s Day Thoughts

May12
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: Mother’s Day Thoughts

It is the day after Mother’s Day and I’m not sure, if you are a woman, how it went for you. I’m writing this before the day so my mind is mulling this around.

Mother’s Day Fiction?

How does this relate to fiction? How often, in reading a book, do you find this day on the calendar entioned? Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fourth of July, maybe, but other holidays don’t get much attention, including Resurrection Sunday/Easter.

Mother’s Day can be a mixture of so many emotions, and not a comfortable one to explore in a story meant to entertain so the holiday is likely not to feature in a story.

Mother’s Day

Maybe Mother’s Day has more to do with fiction when I first thought of writing this. The cards in the stores and the push for gifts all make it seem to promote a fiction over things that are not true.

  1. All Mothers are happy
  2. All mothers are wonderful and perfect
  3. All children want to honor their mother

I’m sure there could be more lies out there but let’s look at these specifically.

All Mothers are Happy

Motherhood is a difficult job and whether a mom has a job other than the full time mothering or not, it is a difficult, exhausting job. Any mom who acts like it is all sunshine and roses is lying. Most moms struggle to do well and many fear they are failing. There are so many opposing positions that make it difficult to make choices for fear of being maligned for those choices. Add marital challenges, finanical struggles, behavioral issues, a variety of personalities with some clashing (especially if the child is a lot like you!), discpline challenges, possible health issues (mental, emotional, or physical), and then the spiritual challenges if you are trying to raise your child in the Christian faith. There is not any one perfect way to handle any of these. Add the residual grief from children lost due to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other reason that might result in a child dying, there can be deep sorrow that never leaves.

This doesn’t meant there isn’t great joy in being a mother. I still remember how tired I was with my second child. I timed how much of my day was spent nursing him and it was eight hours! He was a lazy feeder but such a snuggler! While I struggled with being forced to sit, rock and feed my little sweetie, I also miss those days when he would snuggle in. There is joy in seeing child grow up and find his or her way. It can also be a grief when they struggle to be an adult and you need to step back and allow them the freedom to fail.

Children can choose to reject a mom as well. No matter how much a mom gave of time, love, attention and yes, sacrifice, a child can grow up and decide you weren’t good enough to be respected, honored, or remembered. Maybe they’ve been lied to by someone else. If that was an especially difficult child, there is a silver lining in not needing to deal with the drama and stress that person might bring with them.

When my kids were little, my oldest child drew a picture of me and he saw me as angry. I realized I wasn’t regulating my emotions and stresses well around my children who I was with all the time. I worked hard on that and when my second child was in grade school he wrote that his mom was always happy. Maybe I went too far? I had to tell him that I do have sad moments too, but those are not burdens for a child to carry so I tried to be happy and encouraging around them regardless of the worries and burdens I carried inside.

All Mothers Are Wonderful and Perfect 

This is an outright lie but the truth is, the majority of moms really try hard to do the best they can and yet we all fail at some point. We lose our temper, or fail to discpline as well as we should. Or struggle to understand an unusual personality that is so different from ourselves that we struggle to parent.

These issues don’t resolve when the child leaves home either. We all make mistakes and have expectations or desires that are not necessarily going to be fulfilled. It should be my kids seeking to connect. Will they? I write this before the day but my expectations are low because I realize how much I failed to do so with my own mother when I was their ages.

I honored my mom before the day because her plans will keep us apart on Mother’s Day.

All Children Want to Honor their Mother

As I mentioned, not all kids are clued in to this. Perhaps it was not modeled or encouraged by their father. That is the case from my own family. While I encouraged them to honor their dad, it was never reciprocated. Without a tradition or history of doing this, how is a young adult going to even remember that the day exists when they are busy working and paying their own bills?

From a child’s perspective (even they are now an adult), if that parent was abusive in any way, it can be hard to want to honor them or even recognize them any day, much less on Mother’s Day. With an un unhealthy mom, sometimes it is healthier to keep a distance and no contact.  However, a child can still honor her in his prayers and by not fostering anger and bitterness.

Mothers Day Is Complicated

We all have a mother, whether they are still alive or not, whether they are safe or not, whether they are in our lives or not.

What about those who decided they didn’t want ot be moms because it was inconvenient and aborted a child? There is deep sorrow that goes with that whether they recognize it or not. Every Mother’s Day there will be a shadow of the child that could have been.

Some would idolize Jesus’s mom, Mary, but she was as human and fallible as any of us. She too, was human, imperfect, and I’m sure she failed time and again in trying to raise the Son of God to adulthood. She was chosen for a task. God chooses every mom to be a mother to the children He decides to place in their lives, for however long He chooses. They are ultimately His and we may only have them for a short time.

We need to be careful not to idolize moms no matter how wonderful they can be, because a mom can only be wonderful if she’s leaning on our Savior Jesus to do the difficult task we’ve been called to. God gives us grace for the hard times and forgiveness for our mistakes. We can only hope and pray that our children will do likewise.

Happy Belated Mother’s Day. No matter what sorrows or joy you experience, any mom was called by God to do this job which is one of the hardest on earth. Cling to Him with all the good and bad, the successes and failures, and rest in Him. God loves you, Mom.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Hope

May5
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Hope

Why and how could hope ever be considered dangerous?

Hopelessness

Many years ago, I recieved a gift from a wise mentor mom. It was a Christmas candle that spelled out HOPE. She said, “I realized that this is what you need most right now-HOPE.” Now I had faith and hope in Jesus and complete trust in His salvation, but I lacked hope that He who is able, would not rescue me from the painful circumstances of my life. I believed God was good, but doubted He would be good to me. I would reason that there were people far worse off than I was (and therefore more worthy of rescue?), and that in spite of my salvation found in Jesus, I was no more special than anyone else needing help. I didn’t deserve that kind of grace.

Psychology talks about learned helplessness which can lead to hopelessness. The sensation that I had no agency to change my circumstances and therefore I was helpless and hopeless. Depression makes that worse, as well as some chronic health issues. Fatigue, poverty, abuse, can eradicate hope.

When that mom gave me that candle, I began to realize I had abandoned hope. I was hopeless in my situation. Hope wasn’t easily found. That one word HOPE eventually led me down a better path when it refocused on my need for it.

Hope Deferred

We can hope for many things. Rescue, a new home, a long-awaited child, healing from an illness. Nothing is too big or small for God to be concerned with. When we don’t understand His timing, the hope seems so far off, and we can lose hope. Not necessarily to the point of hopelessness, but we can doubt it. Hebrews 11:1 states: “Now faith is the certainty of things hoped for, a proof of things not seen.” Hope is closely tied into our faith in Jesus. We can all struggle with doubt at different points in our lives. Proverbs 12:12 describes it this way: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Hope is always about a future event or thing. In essence, it is about something deferred. Hope is the present time of expection, but when we lose that expectation it is grief to the soul.

Hope in the Wrong Things

Psalm 33:17 states: “A horse is a false hope for victory; Nor does it rescue anyone by its great strength.” How often do we put our hope in things that don’t last? The perfect spouse, kids, family, eductation, job, car, home, health, our talents and gifts. God guarantees none of those things. There are people living in third world countries that experience greater joy and hope than we do in America because we are faced with so many shiny objects and ideas to put our hope in. Where are you placing your hope? What is it that you truly hope for?

True Hope

The author of Hebrews wrote: “This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and reliable.” (Heb 6: 19a) I love that image of an anchor, holding us fast to Jesus and all His promises. When we place our ultimate hope in HIM, we can experience great freedom and joy. The apostle Paul wrote: “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints.” (Eph 1:18) What a prayer to pray for yourself and others.

We can hope for good weather for a picnic or family reunion. We can hope that God will heal someone. We can hope for a good night of rest. None of those are inherently bad, but when we expect immediate results then we can be in trouble. If our hope is in God, we will ultimately want HIM above all to be active in leading, guiding and working in and through us. Paul prays in Romans 13:15 “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Hope is an anchor but it also gives us wings to head into the future with joy and expectation. Our ultimate hope is our coming face to face with Jesus and hearing “Well done, good and faithful servant.” That should be a hope we strive for, and we can only accomplish that hope by the power of the Holy Spirit who is alive and at work within us the moment we receive Christ as Savior and Lord.

Where is your hope today? Where have you struggled with the dangerous emotion of hope? As human beings, filled with emotions, they can make or break us, but I hope reviewing this will help you recenter on the Source of hope, Jesus.

 “Let’s hold firmly to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.”Hebrews 10:13

 

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Betrayal

Apr7
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Betrayal

I was talking to someone the other day who had suffered trauma as a result of the unexpected actions of a former spouse. He was discussing this and I finally said, “I think what you are trying to describe is betrayal.”

It was like a sucker punch to him. Naming our emotions and realizing how they truly impact us, can be difficult and painful, but it is also important.

The word betray isn’t in Scripture too often, it is referenced in repeatedly in relation to one person: Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus.

Jesus was suffering from a variety of emotions before He was betrayed, arrested and tortured. I would suspect that even though he understood this was going to happen, it was a deep cut to His soul that someone he had trusted and poured into for three years would do this. It was essential for God’s purposes to be fulfilled but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

Betrayal can wound us deeply but like many emotions, it is more dangerous when it is unacknowledged. When we can name the emotion and feel the pain, although gut-wrenching, we can then move past the “victim” stage and move on into a new life without that person.

Betrayal that is buried and not properly grieved, because it signifies the death of a relationship, can twist a person up inside and lead to self-doubt, self-recriminations, victimhood, paralysis, and self-abasement. The danger in betrayal, whether buried or acknowledged, is the desire for justice and retaliation. God says He will vindicate those who harm us. David wrote: “Vindicate me, God, and defend my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from the deceitful and unjust man. For You are the God of my refuge. (Psalm 45:1a HCSB)”

It is entirely possible that the betrayal isn’t truly about the individual betrayed, but what they stand for: Jesus. He said to His disciples in John 15:18-19: “If the world hates you, understand that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own. However, because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of it, the world hates you.”

Betrayal is a unique wounding not only because it signifies the loss of a relationship, but also a loss of trust one had in at least one individual. We are to be wise in who we trust, and betrayal calls into question our judgement. We are to always trust God who will never betray us. We may have been blind to the evil in that person but we should be glad we discovered it. While the level of betrayal can vary, the injury is the same. We need to be careful in the future then of who we trust in and might need counseling to learn perhaps the signs of people who are not safe for us to be in relationship with.

If someone betrays someone else, take that as a red flag and do not trust them. Just like with gossip (which is a verbal betrayal), or adultery (a sexual betrayal), or personal theft (a financial betrayal), if someone is willing to do that about someone else, be assured they might do it to you. Beware of those people. Paul gives this warning to Timothy:

For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, without love for what is good, traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to the form of godliness but denying its power. Avoid these people! (1 Tim 3:2-5)

Betrayal of you, if you are a follower of God, is also a betrayal of the Lord Who called you to be His follower. It is always wise to search inside for any hidden sin that might have contributed to that but the offender is responsible for his or her own actions before God.

Betrayal buried or denied can lead to more pain in the long run. It can lead to an individual being stuck helpless as a victim instead of moving past this horrific event to mature and become wiser, to rise above as a victor. Betrayal acknowledged and our pain submitted to God, can be a turning point for us in growing in wisdom and trust in the God who will never betray those who are truly His and seeking His face.

Can a relationship be redeemed after betrayal? Anything is possible with God but that doesn’t mean that the victim in this situation returns as if nothing ever happened. We are commanded to forgive, even if there is no apology or reconciliation but that does not equate to a relationship. Trust needs to be earned over time and the person who was offended has every right to put limits and conditions and be cautious with the level of trust given to the offender. That is not a lack of forgiveness but an act of wisdom and protection.

Final note. Just because someone sets limits on your relationship doesn’t equal betrayal. It may have more to do with them than it does with you. Respect the boundary and if they have cut back on trust, reciprocation is possibly wise. Sometimes we need again to check ourselves to make sure our actions haven’t unwittingly precipitated that boundary, and maybe we have some growing to do as a result. If you find yourself betrayed by a boundary, and angry at that, it says more about you, than it does about them.

Have you been betrayed? How have you recovered from that? It can leave deep wounds that time, prayer, discussing it with a trusted friend or therapist, can help with. Grieve the loss, forgive the person, and move forward with your life. The dangerous emotion of betrayal doesn’t have to define us forever. God never wastes our pain.

Author Confessions: Secondary Losses

Mar31
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Secondary Losses

Since I wrote about secondary gains last week I figured it was time for secondary losses.

These are the things that can accompany a significant loss.

For instance, when a person is widowed, they lose their spouse, the person most important to them in the world. However, they might also lose some relationships who are couples that the man and wife used to connect with. They might lose financial security that spouse provided. The might lose a caregiver if that was a role the deceased spouse took in the relationship. That is a secondary loss. Relationships change. Their entire life is changed. That is why they often suggest a widow or widower not sell their house that first year because they are too vulnerable and might be taken advantage of. Eventually the memories can become a comfort instead of a reminder of deep pain.

A child of a deceased parent might also suffer secondary losses: the lack of time they had hoped to experience things with that individual, the lack of opportunity to learn from them, and in many instances, the lack of time to restore a broken relationship.

This is also true of divorce where people feel they need to choose sides. There a financial loss but they may lose their home, financial stability, relationships with their children (depending on age and who gets primary placement), friendships, and the connection they may have had with the ex’s family. Divorce is always painful and difficult but it also has gains as well: freedom to heal if there was abuse.

Losing a baby due to miscarriage is a horrible thing to live through, but it is more the loss of the hopes and dreams that were held by the parent that makes the grief more difficult to bear.

Losing an infant or an older child is equally gut-wrenching. The secondary losses though are the change in the home missing that individual, the change in relationships as everyone goes through the grieving process but everyone’s grief is unique, and also the loss of all the hopes and dreams that parent had for that child, including the death of the dreams that child had for him or herself.

When a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness, there is the looming loss for that individual as well as the family. But there are other losses as well: hopes and dreams of growing old together, perhaps missing significant events they looked forward to (a child or grandchild’s graduation or wedding), financial stability as medical bills take their toll, the inability for the relationship to be as reciprocal, the distancing of some who don’t know how to deal with it. That’s just a few possible secondary losses.

A friend got help for her husband with dementia as she could no longer care for him at home. Loss – dementia. Gain – help and a safe place to live. Secondary loss – her housing told her that since there were no longer two people in that residence, she would need to move.

Often times we can take changes in stride but it is worth acknowledging the complexity. When someone suffers a loss, whether yourself or someone else, keep in mind that there is more than one thing they are losing.

An individual who has suffered trauma, loses perhaps even the control of when that will hit them again. They might lose their innocence. They might become helpless in the face of strong physical or emotional pain. It is easy to stay hidden from the world to avoid that, but ultimately that produces even more losses. It is exciting that there are now more trauma-centered therapies that can help people process through that. The trauma will probably never go away, but the individual’s ability to live a life in spite of that will greatly improve which can come with many gains. (I explore that in the book: Operation: Skirmish)

With secondary gains, there is an incentive emotionally for an individual to remain stuck. This could happen with losses as well as getting attention for that loss can keep an individual stuck in their grief. Telling them to “get over it and move on,” will only cause them to dig in deeper to that victim mentality.

What about when something good happens? Major life changes do not happen in a vacuum.

A man gets a promotion with great insurance and benefits. That might result in loss of the relationships he’d developed in his current position. If it involves a move, the entire family, while gaining more financial security, might lose the connections they had at work, school, or church.

We so often focus on one thing, but any significant change in our lives has a ripple effect and some of that is positive and some of it is sad.

The birth of a child is a wonderful thing but it comes with a loss as well, loss of freedom, sleep, space, and finances. It also changes the marriage (if the parents are together) for better or worse.

No matter what we face in life, we have an opportunity to feel all the emotions but even if we need help with that, we can move past it and avoid the victim mentality.

Where have you perhaps overlooked secondary losses in your life? What secondary losses surprised you?

Author Confessions: Are You F.A.T?

Mar17
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Are You F.A.T?

This is old stuff for me but the older I get the more I need to remind myself that I didn’t understand some of this when I was younger in my walk with God, so I thought I would give everyone a pop-quiz today. Are you? F.A.T? Faithful,  Available, and Teachable?

First of all why would this matter? God has designed each and every one of us to bring His light and truth to a lost and hurting world. I was there once, so were you. Or maybe you still are. In order for God to use us we need to be F.A.T. Not in inches around the waistline but in our heart’s desire to honor the God who died to rescue us from the consequences of our sin–death. Eternal seperation from Him, in hell. There are only two places we go when we die – Heaven or hell. Everyone is on the path to hell until we make that decision to submit our lives to Jesus and wholeheartedly follow Him.

So here are the three main things we need:

Faithful

Are you faithful in seeking God? Reading His love letter to us in the Bible? Are you pursuing a life that would honor Him? Do you pray not only to ask for requests but to listen for the leading of the Holy Spirit in your life? Do you confess your sins? Do you seek out other believers to do life with? (Hopefully, this is in a healthy, Bible teaching church). God calls us to seek Him. James 4:7-10 says:

Therefore, submit to God. But resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, sinners, and purify your hearts, double-minded people! Be miserable and mourn and weep. Your laughter must change to mourning and your joy to sorrow. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you.

 

Submit to God. Draw near to Him and He promies to draw near to you. The Holy Spirit’s ability to work in and through us is hindered when we grieve Him by ongoing deliberate sin. We are all guilty and need to humble ourselves before the Mighty God over all.

So on a scale of 1-10, how faithful are you?

Available

Most of us don’t have a lot of free time in our lives to set aside. It can be a challenge to make time to slow down and talk to God, listen for His voice, and then do what He asks us to do. God sometimes gives big asks but much of the time He wants these small acts of obedience. Got a nudge to call someone? Call them! Did God tell you to write a letter or send a card (rather than a text or quick email?). Do it. You have no idea how those words  might arrive just as someone needs them. Are you called to sacrificially give money or time? Do it. Available isn’t always about being willing to carve out a 15 minute prayer time and read one chapter in your Bible. It is tuning in to what He is asking you to do right now. Sometimes during my day when I’m overhwelmed with all that needs to be done I pray, “God, what is the next best thing to do?” Whatever I am led to do I do. He doesn’t often speak to me in words.

On a scale of 1-10, how available are you?

Teachable

I would suspect that most of us have been to school and even graduated at least from high school (even if you got a graduate equivalent degree). Many of us have attended classes at the School of Hard Knocks as we’ve faced consquences of choices: some might be our own choices, some might be due to the choices of others. Unfortunately this kind of “being taught” is not what I’m referring to. If it were we would all raise our hands “YES!”

Being teachable goes back to being faithful. We are teachable when we read Scripture, hear good Biblical teaching, and seek God, listening for His Holy Spirit to lead us, but only if we obey what we learn. We can be taught a lot of things but not put them into practice. For instance, my husband, at my request, taught me how to do an oil change and rotate the tires on my car. I only wanted to understand it and have no intention of ever doing it again if I can help it! I was teachable and I did do it once. I could probably muddle through doing it again (but need help tighting the bolts on the tires!)

When we read something in Scripture that we don’t recall seeing before, do we take it to heart as something to apply to your life? When someone in authority comes to you with a concern over a pattern of sin, do you listen, weight it carefully, and seek repentance and reconciliation?

Being teachable is having a posture of humility to follow where God leads even if it is uncomfortable, unconventional, or counter-cultural. He will never lead you to sin.

On a scale of 1-10, how teachable are you?

Being F.A.T. is a good thing when it comes to walking with God and being used for His purposes on this earth. Even just writing this was a good reminder to me to evaluate just how I’m doing in these areas. I find I always have room for growth. How about you? How F.A.T. are you? 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Hate

Mar3
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Hate

I believe hate is an emotion strongly corrolated with anger. Typically we hate something that angers us. Although sometimes it might be a strong distaste for something, like anchovies, which tends to be a pretty harmless expression of the emotion.

The reality is, we all hate something, and maybe at some points, someone. It’s what we do with that emotion that counts. I have heard the expression, “Hate the sin, not the sinner.” This is a wise thing to do because every individual is created in the image of God and therefore has worth and value.

Hate is a communicable trait of God. The difference is, He is justified in acting on His hatred of sin because He is pure and holy. We, however, are not. When we feel hate, we need to work to resolve it without seeking justice. That we can leave in God’s capable hands. Easier said than done.

1 John 3:15 has strong words to say about hate. “Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him.” In this instance strong hatred toward another human is sin, especially when that turns into a rage that is acted on. We see this with crimes of passion where emotion drives someone to kill.

John is stating that you cannot be clinging to Jesus and having that kind of emotion inside you. This goes back to forgiveness which I talk about in my post on Why Murdering People is Wrong. This echoes the concept from love about action vs emotion. It’s a both/and kind of thing. Scripture instructs us to love those who hate us. Luke 6:27-28 states: “But I say to you who listen: Love your enemies, do what is good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

Hmmm, so we act in love regardles of emotion. When I was in my early 20’s and seeing a counselor, I dealt with some hate and my wise counselor told me to pray for the good of the person who had wronged me. Two things to note here: Anger was mixed in with hate because I had been wronged, and I needed to act regardless of my emotion. Interesting, huh? The more I prayed good for that person, in spite of my emotions, the less that emotion had a grip on me. Now that didn’t mean I wanted a relationship with that person, that is an entirely different topic. I didn’t need to hold on to hate.

There is a flip side. “If the world hates you, understand that it hated Me before it hated you.” (John 15:18). This is so crucial to those of us who are Christ-followers. I want people to like me and not everyone will because I am not everyone’s cup of tea. When there are people who hate me, I need to step back and evaluate.

  • Is it because I have wronged them? If so, I need to apologize for any transgression I have done, intentionally or unintentionally. Having said that, if they don’t inform me and I cannot discern what that perceived wrong is, I can either ask them about it (if it is safe to do so). If I can’t find out the reason, all I can do is pray for them. 
  • Is their hatred of me because of my faith in Jesus Christ? This is sometimes the case. Just because of my faith, someone may despise me, regardless of any personality quirks or choices I’ve made.
    • It helps to understand this because it is too easy to hate someone who has wounded me because of my faith. Oh, they may not claim that is the case but when I pray and evaluate things it might truly be the root of the issue. When I strive to make wise choices based on Scripture or stand for things that God stands for, then peopel will hate me. Jesus said so!
    • The reality is, while they may direct the hate towards me, it is really the Holy Triune God of the universe they have an issue with and I am the convenient target.
    • When I can seperate that out I can pray more effectively for the Holy Spirit to do the work of convicting that person of sin and unrighteousness (John 16:8). That conviction can lead to their salvation even if I never benefit from it.
    • This removes me from carrying the weight of someone hating me. They hate Jesus and I can go to Him with my pain, instead of retaliating, because the world hated him when He walked this earth and the world will hate Him now as the Holy Spirit indwells me.
    • Taking that step back and understanding this can help me let go of any resentment toward that person. I don’t need to hate them, inspite of slanderous words or harmful actions taken. This allows clear-headed thinking when needed because hatred and anger can cloud good judgement.

When we can step back from the emotion we can recognize that any person who we feel hatred for or who hates us, is someone who is hurting and in desperate need of Jesus. Forgiving them is key as well so we can let it go and leave that person in God’s capable hands. Funny how once again the way we think about something can impact our feelings. Jesus is the first and best cognitive behavioral therapist.

Hatred shoved down deep, poisons our relationship with God and others, and can have a harmful impact on our health as well. I’m not a doctor but the kind of stress this emotion created within can, long term, pose serious consequences to our health.

Stepping back a moment to my post last week on The Dangerous Moral High Ground, it is easy to develop hate at a person for holding to a position, or maybe due to cultural differences, or politics. It’s easy to slip into that. I suggest if this is the source of your hate, you might want to revisit that post. It’s not wise to paint all people with a wide brush and lable along with hating them. This can be hard when we see evil at play, even if it doesn’t impact us personally. We should hate evil. That is not a sin. But to hate the people who were created by God? Not healthy.

How have you dealt with hatred? Whether within yourself or on the receiving end from others? What has helped you to move past the grip of that emotion?

The dangerous emotion of hate has a step-brother I will look at next week: Ambivalence.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Guilt

Jan20
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Guilt

Are you seeing a trend here yet with these emotions? Any emotion can become a negative in some way when taken to an extreme and not brought under the truths of Scripture. My assertion that Jesus is the first cognitive behavioral therapist still stands. Long before this was coined as a psychological theory Scripture is replete with this.

Let’s take guilt. At first, I didn’t see this as such a dangerous emotion, but hear me out.

On the surface, when a person’s mind is working well, guilt is the emotion that tells us that we have sinned. Psalm 32:5 states: “I acknowledged my sin to You, And I did not hide my guilt; I said, “I will confess my wrongdoings to the Lord”; And You forgave the guilt of my sin.”

God has built into us the ability to recognize we have done wrong. We feel bad. That’s the uncomfortable part about this emotion but it is truly important, because when we feel bad and realize we did something wrong, we apologize to God (and maybe an offended party) and receive His forgiveness when we have accepted the free gift of salvation from our sin at the cross where Jesus died. I’m not going to go into the theology of sin here but that is usually when we feel guilt—when we have sinned or perhaps accidently hurt someone’s feelings. Sin isn’t always intentional or done willfully. Often, we sin without directly thinking about it.

Guilt might show up as cognitive dissonance. We say one thing and do another and there is mental and even emotional conflict that begs to be resolved. To have integrity we mentally need to live out what we say and believe.

So how does guilt become dangerous? There are four ways that I can think of:

  • When we experience guilt when we didn’t do anything wrong. We cannot take on the burden of someone else’s choices. That is enmeshment and damaging to self and relationships.
  • When we hold on to guilt even after confessing and apologizing for it. Remember yes, continually beat yourself up? Not good.
    • Now restitution might remind you of your guilt, but it doesn’t need to be carried forever. This might be harder to do depending on the sin.
    • Addictions, adultery, murder, or even an accidental death you might have been involved in, can be difficult to recover from and even create trauma that needs professional help to resolve.
    • Burying guilt can create health problems as well.
    • God forgives us, so we should walk in that freedom. Not as perfect or as if it never happened, but as a person who grows through this.
  • Lying and shifting blame for things.
    • Some avoid guilt by blaming others for anything that goes wrong. This is a cognitive issue and that person is essentially lying to themselves to protect them from the truth that they failed in some way.
    • They cannot grow or improve if they refuse to acknowledge their own guilt.
  • When a person never experiences the emotion of guilt and have no awareness of their wrongdoing.
    • This might be due to a variety of mental illnesses, the most notable: a sociopath or someone with antisocial, borderline, or narcissistic personality disorder or possibly some other brain dysfunction.
    • These people are not always dangerous, but they may not be safe people to be around often. They might parrot an apology, but they won’t truly believe they erred and won’t experience any guilt. Behavior won’t change.
    • This is an issue that cannot be resolved through medicine or even great psychotherapy in most instances.
    • The sad effect of rampant sin in our world impacts the way our brains develop and with the toxic environments (emotionally, relationally and physically) that someone might have grown up in.
    • Are these people irredeemable? No. I wouldn’t put it past God to do a mighty work and heal that numbed part of the brain and thinking process, but I also wouldn’t assume it will happen.

Guilt is good even if it feels bad to experience it. The great thing for most people is that when we acknowledge our guilt and seek forgiveness, God is willing to give that to us (even if another human being might not). Acknowledging you have an issue if the sin is a persistent issue, can help a person start to see patterns for that sin so that it might be broken. Anything else can pile guilt on guilt (sin upon sin) which can only be damaging to the body, mind, and soul.

A scripture to cling to is Romans 8:1: Therefore, there is now no condemnation at all for those who are in Christ Jesus.

On a side note but important: When we hold on to sin and refuse to confess our guilt and repent (change our ways) we are, according to Scripture, grieving the Holy Spirit. Eph 4:30-32  Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Sin and unrepentance grieve God. Guilt is the emotion He gives to help us recognize we’ve wronged not only others, but a Holy God.

Daily confession (in prayer) can be a good way to acknowledge and own our failures before God to move forward with a clean slate by His grace. Something I don’t do often enough. The dangerous emotion of guilt can be tricky. How do you deal with guilt?

Next week: The Dangerous Emotion of Regret.

Author Confessions: We all have Blind Spots

Nov4
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: We all have Blind Spots

When my son was taking his driver’s test, he failed because he forgot to check his blind spots. Funny how technology helps with that now. My newer vehicle will flash a light on my door to let me know a car is coming up on that side. Even with that, if I were going to make a lane change I should still look to make sure there is no one sneaking up on me.

Personally, and as authors, we all have our blind spots. So do our characters.

The Johari Window is a visual way to consider just how open a person you are. We all have secrets and obviously with certain people we will be more open and vulnerable in sharing our inner world. Not everyone is a safe person to do this with  so caution is sometimes warranted, especially in newer relationships.

As you can see on the left there are four areas of our personal life. That which is open and people can see and we are willing to share with others – known you and the other person. The bottom left quadrent is hidden. You know those parts yourself but you haven’t shared them with others. The bottom right, unknown quadrant our inability to see all of our inner self. Of course, God sees and knows all of it whether we chose to be open with Him or not. Nothing is hidden from him. The fourth and final quadrant, the upper right, is the blind area. This is where you don’t know, but others do.

A fun example might be when someone points out you are wearing two different color socks. They saw it but you didn’t realize because you got dressed in the dark. they point out that blind spot to you and as a result the open area expands to the right.

When we are in a close relationship with someone there can be more sharing and the open box can grow as we share the hidden things of our heart with them and they point out our blind spots: errors, quirks, attitudes, mistakes, and maybe even sins or iniquities, the unintentional stuff that might offend someone without our realizing it.

When we are in a relationship that is safe, we can share our treasures, those thoughts, feelings, experiences that matter deepest to us and thus expand the open area. Someone who has been traumatized, might find the open area shrinks as they protect themselves from further abuse.

As an author, my characters need to have these four as well, although sometimes the writer might cue the reader in on the blind or unknown quadrants and forshadow that aha moment when the character is exposed to that new information.

I need safe people in my life to show me my blind spots.

Telling someone they are overweight is typically not helping someone with a blind spot, although I had a friend who revealed to me that she had no idea she had a weight problem before doctors told her she needed to do  something about it. Most people are aware of those kinds of things.

Someone who is angry might drive fast without realizing it. That blind spot might be revealed when they are pulled over and get a ticket.

Most blinds spots should be exposed gently if possible. I’ve done teaching and told people to please let me know privately if they see something offensive in me, so I can grow. In other words, be considerate in how you share my blind spot with me, but also, I’m giving you permission to share because I’m trusting that you will have my best interests at heart.

That’s a pretty bold statement.

Psalm 19:12 says “Who can discern his errors? Acquit me of hidden faults.” God sees it all the blind and unknown parts of us.

Job 13:23, asks: “How many iniquities and sins have I committed? Reveal to me my transgression and sin.”

We cannot grow if the Lord doesn’t show us where we need to grow. The truly hidden parts and the blind spots. Sometimes God uses human beings to help us with this.

Caution

Not every person who tells you about a blind spot or confronts you with what they perceive is sin in your life, is trustworthy or honest. Sometimes people will blame us for their own shortcomings. Other times they tell us things to stop us from God’s plan, possibly out of jealousy.

Response to Hard Criticism/Blind Spots

There are a few things I’ve done when I’ve gotten hard criticism that was something I hadn’t heard before. How can I tell if it’s really a blind spot?

  1. In the moment, I thank them for their feedback. Oh, this is difficult when the punch comes hard at you.
  2. If I’m not sure it’s true, I might ask them for specifics. Give me an example of what I did wrong.
  3. Pray about it.
  4. If I still can’t quite accept that this is true of myself, I might check it with a close friend. I’ve had people attribute things to me that I didn’t believe were true and sometimes a close confidant can shed light on why it might be that way. I didn’t actually do anything wrong, however, it might have been interpreted differently by that person. Sometimes people will assign motives to you that are simply untrue.
  5. If I really have erred and hurt someone via a blind spot, I apologize and ask the Holy Spirit to help me change.

Psalm 139:22-24 states: Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns. See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way. Ultimately any blind spot or perceived iniquities need to be brought to God. If it isn’t true than I can trust that God knows my heart and that is more important than anyone’s opinion. 

We all have blind spots and only someone arrogant or narcissitic will refuse to accept that truth. Trust me. I’ve met some of them. I’d rather let God help me grow by showing me those areas I’m unaware of. I may not know what I don’t know, but He can slowly reveal those things to me and I’m glad He doesn’t overwhelm me with my failings as that would be too much to bear. I’m grateful for a compassionate and loving God who loves me as I am but doesn’t let me stay there, but continues to grow me in  holiness through His Holy Spirit.

As an author, this is helpful as well as I see how soon a character might reveal secrets to another person. This is why the information dump in the first few pages is a poor choice, as the reader wants to get to know the character along with the others in the story and that is a process that takes time, but is worth the effort.

As an editor, when I see something an author is doing that isn’t the best, I assume it’s a blind spot and use it as a teaching moment as some have done for me along the way. Being light and not accusatory goes a long way to soothing the sting of an edit where they did something wrong but were unaware of it. We all have blind spots in our writing, partially because we love our stories so it be hard to be objective.

How about you? Have you been exposed to blind spots? How has that impacted you?

 

Author Confessions: The More I Learn the Less I Know

Oct28
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Author Confessions: The More I Learn the Less I Know

This sounds a bit confusing, doesn’t it? It would seem that the more we learn the more information we have stored in our minds therefore it would only make sense that we are smarter.

In some respects that might be true. However, I would like to posit that for me, the more I learn and understand about myself, the world around me, writing, and especially God, the more I realize how tiny and small my understanding of it all is.

I do not have the corner on truth in any of those realms. Not even about myself.

My personal history is colored by my thoughts and perceptions. Sometimes when different information is offered regarding an event, it shifts my knowledge about it and can even change the way I think about a particular event.

This is a delightful way therapy can be helpful, by assisting the patient in a wider perspective on their situation or circumstance. Not to minimize their pain by any means but to give them a better grasp of all that is impacting them emotionally. Challenging our thinking, broadening the scope of understanding, or looking at things through a different lens can be helpful.

We tend to think in somewhat fixed patterns. We like to retell stories, often with the same script. It’s easier for us to do that. I’ve done this with areas of teaching as well that I am most comfortable with. The challenge for us as human beings is we can get stuck in those groves of thought and widening them to include something that is anti-thetical or perhaps changes the perceived truth about something, can cause a not so fun experience called cognative dissonance.

This is a reality in life but also plays out in fiction so don’t think this is only about our intellect. Our characters reflect real life and sometimes when a character is stuck perhaps in a twisted view of God’s forgiveness, they need to be confronted with truth about that which can be uncomfortable. This internal struggle, whether in real life or in the mind of a fictional character, requires growth which is somewhat uncomfortable.

Why?

Because we need to humble ourselves to admit that we didn’t know it all.

Now there are those out there that proclaim to have a corner on truth and aren’t teachable. Call them fools if you will. They are unwilling to adapt or grasp that there might be a different perspective. Another word for them might be narcissist.

We’ve seen this with the election cycle. People argue for or against a candidate based on the person instead of the policies. They believe what the media tells them instead of doing the hard work to investigate the truth. Yes, character is important, but is that version real or the one pitched to you by advertising and political pundits? It can be difficult to dig through the dirt to find the reality. When people do research and decide they were wrong in their previous position, it takes humility and is often faced with opposition by those who haven’t undergone that process. Civilized dialogue has disappeared in many instances because of the entrenched thinking people on both sides tend to have and it becomes adversarial with a desire to insult rather than learn. In recent years we’ve seen people penalized and silenced for offering a perspective on things that differed from what the mainstream media and government wanted us to believe. They were called conspiracy theorists. Many times they suffered horribly for that but in the end they were often proved correct in what they had been trying to share.

Learning requires humility and a willingness to admit that maybe we were wrong.

This goes beyond politics to religion and even relationships.

I was always clear to my children when I had messed up. I wanted their respect and trust but believed that if I erred in the way I had reacted to something, they would learn that kind of respect for others.

I’ve seen families torn apart by lies told by one parent. Even adult children can hold to a line of thinking that has been emotionally reinforced and encouraged in an effort to avoid a relationship with the other parent. This is nasty business whether the child is young or old enough to think for themselves. It’s not a game I ever wanted to play.

Forgiveness often requires this humility, doesn’t it? We have to admit that maybe there is more going on than we’d like to admit and trust God to deal with the perceived sins of the other person. We might be legitimately wounded but sometimes it can be hard to parse out what is real and what has been slanted in the communicaiton about an event.

I could look at my father’s workaholism and be angry that he wasn’t around more. Sure it hurt when he couldn’t make it to a concert perhaps. As an adult, however, I can recognize his humanity and that he had his own issues he struggled with that might have kept him from being as present as I would have wished. He also had the responsibility of providing for a relatively large family. He did the best he could with what he knew.

I could get angry with my husband over something but I have to filter it through several different lenses.

  1. Is this something that is more my issue? Am I reacting more as a result of past trauma than to the here and now? This has happened where he’s accidentally triggered something in me that was not good. Once I’ve informed him, he changes the behavior. I’ve had to do the same for him.
  2. I need to remind myself that we are on the same team and give him the benefit of the doubt. It might not have been intentional (see #1).
  3. It might be part of who God has created him to be and I need to adapt to that even if it isn’t always comfortable. We all have our quirks in our personalities. I remember that God made Him unique and I need to appreciate that uniqueness. In this instance my issue is more with God than my husband.
  4. It’s easy to stew in my feelings because if I confront them I might find out I did something wrong too. It takes courage to talk about our hurt and frustration and the cause of that and work that out between two people. It’s worth it to go through that process.

When we were about to get married my fiance (now husband) told me he knew everything about me. I told him that couldn’t be true because we had years of history on both sides and we would spend the rest of our lives learning about each other. A few months later I learned he was the “M&M Grandpa” and had a collection of M&M memorabilia. Six years later I discovered his favorite pie was blueberry and not apple, although he loves apple pie too. I finally baked a blueberry pie for him. The more I learn the less I know.

The other part of this is also self-knowledge. I’m still learning about myself as I grow older. My perspective changes as I go through events in my life. I learn. I understand differently. I unearth new truths about the way I react to things or perhaps blind spots (I’ll deal with that next week). I read fiction and non-fiction to broaden my thinking and inform me. I was recently diagnosed with ADD (inattentive type) a few years ago, and while I understood much about this, I’ve learned new tips and tricks that help me be more functional in my daily life. Growth has benefits!

The reality is, as a believer in Jesus Christ and one who seeks to follow Him with all my heart, my mind, and my soul, I need to hold to a posture of humility that the Lord of the universe has knowledge beyond my grasp. Every time I open Scripture I learn new things, or see God, myself, and the world a little differently. It’s a slow process because God is gracious in not shoving all my sin down my throat at once. He’s gentle and patient as long as I stay humble, teachable, and seeking Him for who He is not just what He can do for me. I’m grateful that He provides the Holy Spirit to guide and teach me,  and even pray for me when I can’t find the words. The Holy Spirit is in the business of teaching me what I don’t yet know.

How about you? Do you find that the more you learn the less you know? How have you seen this play out in your life?

 

Author Confessions: Reaching One vs Many

Jul15
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Reaching One vs Many

As an author it would be lovely to have a best selling book. Except that how do you measure that? By overall sales? Well, that’s one way. My book Pesto and Potholes was offered for a week at an extremely discounted rate and it shot to number one on Amazon and stayed in the top ten that week for the catagory it was listed in. A friend asked me how it felt to be a “best-seller.”

Weird. Surreal.

It wasn’t real. The reality is most authors, this one included, do not make a liveable wage from writing books. Having said that, I’m doing fine. God has given me a calling and I’ve striven with His help to follow where He has led on this journey to publishing. He has provided for my physical needs. On paper, I make a small amount of taxable income but that is usually because I will not always include every deduction I possibly could when I file my  taxes. Too many losses when self-employed makes the IRS think it’s just a hobby.

Writing, for me, is not a hobby. As I said, it’s a calling. Sure it would be nice to have the accolades like other better-known, authors have. Oh, to have the income of a Richard Castle! Granted, he is fictional, but still, what a delightful fantasy to have that kind of financial resource to do whatever I wanted to do, go wherever I wanted to go, and live without any worry over investments, inflation or anything else. The only battle he had was against himself and writer’s block. And maybe his vanity? Or how about Jessica Fletcher in Murder She Wrote? Not so much living the high life but definitely not worried about her finances, although it seemed she found foul play around every corner. Not the kind of life I would want.

Oh, maybe I need to be writing murder mysteries? Or erotica. They do seem to sell well.

Nope. That’s not what God has called me to do. I write romance because the best romance is the one we have with our Savior. It’s real. It’s personal. It is life-changing. By His grace we have been given real-life love that reflects or mirrors that of our relationship to God.

I digress, but it was an important point.

The reality is, when I get to heaven, God isn’t going to ask about my book sales. He’s not even going to be worried about how many books or blog posts I’ve written. He will only be concerned with whether I accepted the free gift of salvation found only in Jesus Christ.

After that all the rest is a reward based on my obedience and the lives I influence for HIS glory while here on this planet.

That isn’t always reflected in book sales.

That might be the interaction I have at a craft fair with a young teen who loves to write. He or she may not even purchase my one of my books but I encouraged them to pursue their passion. If nothing else, good writing skills will always be an asset in any career field. It might be a friend I sit with to listen, love, and pray over. It might be the small group of people who meet in my home to study the work of another writer that encourages us to grow in our faith. It might be a student in a writing or theology class I’ve taught. None of which has anything to do with any book I’ve written.

None of that translates into book sales, does it?

I can do all the marketing, pay lots of money for ads, do interviews, and blog tours and it still might not make me or my publisher any more money. My books can be high quality without having a huge readership and income.

If one person’s life is helped. If they are encouraged in their faith or finally understand God’s love for the first time through a story God led me to write. That’s priceless.

The down side? That doesn’t help pay the bills for myself, my editor, publisher, cover artist, marketing person, or virtual assistant.

Maybe I’m not doing this marketing thing right. I’ve hired help and I’m working hard but I’ll admit to occassional discouragement when I see only two reviews on one of my favorite titles. Great reviews but I’m sure more than two people read that book. Reviews help others find great books. Sales also help. Even if you pick up my book at a church library or the public library, a review is sooo helpful to an author. Yes, it’s encouraging to know people love my stories. Reviews help other people find them as well.

I used to pay more attention to reviews and sales than I do now. They are not a reflection of my worth of value as a follower of Christ or an author, although some might make that corralation. Ultimely, I really won’t know the value or impact my words have had until I get to heaven.

In the meantime I’ll keep writing. I have learned over the years that it is the time spent with people, quality time, one-on-one, listening to their story, encouraging them, praying for them, that has greater eternal value. I’m not minimizing the hard work that I put in to writing and editing a novel or novella. It can be grueling at times. It takes discipline and saying no to other great things I might like to do. Reaching one vs many is the tension I live with but when the scales are off balance, I suspect it will always be in favor of the one.