Tag Archive | healing

Author Confessions: Wherever You Go – There You Are

Dec29
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Wherever You Go – There You Are

Christmas is past and the New Year around the corner. Many will try to make resolutions. Fitness, Diet, or other goals will be set. There is nothing wrong with that, but the reality is, changing our externals, while it can feel hopeful, doesn’t always work.

When I was in a band, one of my favorite songs to sing was Mend Me by Big Tent Revival. I think of it every year around this time because it highlights something important–we can’t force change on ourselves. We need the Holy Spirit to be doing the work but in order for that to happen, we need to be humble and submit to Him. Not an easy thing to do. We’d rather get a gym membership than bend our knee.

New Years Eve and this is what I see staring at these faces staring back at me
Sometimes insecure but I know Your love is pure
I am broken – mend me
Over backwards – bending
For the love Your sending

All the places that I’ve been Still I can’t ecscape this life of sin
What I want to do I don’t do what I do I don’t want to do
I am broken – mend me
Over backwards – bending
For the love Your sending

Days have come and days have gone and still I’m under siege. Every day decisions made for which side to allege. Some nights and sit and cry words I can’t erase. All I have in this world is the promise of Your grace

You made the universe and You can mend me

What do you think? Wherever you go – there You are–but for the grace of God we can’t make true changes. Happy New Year!

Author Confessions: The Control Conundrum

Dec15
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Author Confessions: The Control Conundrum

I have been losing my mind lately. Or have I? I had a mild concussion at the end of September and found that intially I would have occassional hiccups in my brain processing, especially when trying to find the right word when I was talking. Guess it’s a good thing I’m a writer, huh? It doesn’t happen when writing and I have more time to process, and hopefully, edit.

I’ve undergone physical therapy, chiropractic, massage, psychotherapy, bio-resonance screening, and have now added cranio-sacral therapy at the recommendation of a dear friend.

I thought things were improving, but then odd things happen and I’m not sure if it’s a brain glitch or a technology issue (or both!).

To make things more confusing we have three addresses. We have our residence in one town with long obnoxious addresses and two others in a nearby town where we have our LLC and are building our home, also with obnoxiously long addresses. Think latitude and longitude. We would prefer to use our new home address (there is a mailbox there!) but even our shop address which has existed for over 40 years doesn’t always show up and isn’t allowed when ordering things online. Even two of our credit cards will not use either of those two addresses! Fed Ex didn’t even attempt to deliver a check order there and sent it back!

I’ve changed addresses online as much as I can, with most going directly to the the new home address since we are there daily. Yes, there is a mailbox. However, the United States Postal Service won’t recognize the address (even if the village and county do) as valid until the house is 80% built. How do you determine that? Not that it matters too much, the mailman will still deliver there.

This past week I ordered something online on my phone and put in our home address (or so I thought) for delivery. Sometimes the automated systems think they know better and correct the address. I used to live on Menomonee Ave in Menomonee Falls over 30 years ago! Somehow my package got delivered across the street from there, but how? And why did the transaction even go through when that was not my billing address for any of my credit cards! ARGH!!!

I didn’t realize the error until I got the notification it was delivered, but hadn’t shown up at my door. I had to drive to the other address, someplace I had never been to before, to collect my package. Thankfully, it was still by the mailboxes and the lobby to that apartment complex was not locked. I had my phone and identification with me in case someone called the police to report me as a “porch pirate!” Just my luck I’d get arrested for stealing my own package.

Too much drama for me and I kept wondering if this was my fault or not. Did my brain just breeze over the numbers (some where correct, just added a 1 at the front) and street name which mirrored the city name? I don’t know but I honestly cried because I feared my brain was playing tricks on me.

I hate feeling helpless. Out of control. Don’t you?

I spent years in a difficult marriage experiencing that daily and staying for a variety of reasons. The main one was that God had not released me from the marriage. When He did, I left with confidence and peace, in spite of what should have been paralyzing fear.

Maybe my brain isn’t fully healed from the concussion yet. In reality I have had several injuries that are impacting it and my body over the years that were never treated effectively. And unlike dementia, I at least know and understand where there are glitches–and when it’s improving.

I just placed another order online and before I could put in my address somehow it put in my old one 50 miles north and finalized the order before I could edit it. I cancelled the order ASAP. I had used PayPal but even PayPal has my new address. I was furious and frustrated but grateful I noticed it (I am trying to be far more diligent!). I placed the order again and just went through the tedious process of putting in my credit card and not giving any automatic fill-in to take place.

The conundrum of control whirled in my brain. Not only am I recovering from a concussion which I hadn’t originally figured was so bad, but also battling technology and a internet that isn’t caught up with my reality (of a new address). A friend reported the same issue when she had moved to their new home and how it took forever for her insurance to even recognize the new address. I’m not alone.

I don’t want to live in helplessness but realize ultimately I don’t even have control of my next breath. I can make decisions but often it is beyond my ability and all I can to is react to events. I can be proactive, and try to make wise choices but even the best laid plans can be foiled by outside forces as we’ve discovered with the building process. Contractors who quit or mess up, forcing delays, and a lot more work on our part. Companies who are slow to respond to requests for information when I’m offering them a lucrative sale of their product. Contractors who take vacation before giving me final paperwork I need for the bank. Throw in holidays, weather, health, and accidents and we can recognize quickly how little control we have over this life we’ve been given.

When I write, I have to make a decision to sit and work. I do some planning, but the characters take over and sometimes surprise me, forcing me to pray for more creativity in crafting a story I hope people will want to read. When writing my latest novella, Gnomebody but You, I had no idea who was doing all the bad things in the story. I was as confused as my main character, Tali Shadowgrace. That was until the perpetrator revealed himself on the page.

In many ways I love the excitement and surprise of the not knowing. Surrendering to God in the creative process of writing.

I don’t always enjoy that in real life. I need to surrender as part of the control conundrum. That’s not a passive helpless thing. Surrender is willful, and active. A posture of recognizing WHO is in control. It’s not me.

The idea of surrender helped me through the final years of my marriage. Surrendering to God and allowing Him to work in and through me as I waited on His perfect timing. If I had pushed for my own way and gone out of God’s will, I might have missed out on the wonderful love and life I have right now.

My body is healing from the trauma of the past (CPTSD from the years of verbal/emotional/financial abuse and physical neglect), and the trauma of the present (concussion). Much of that healing is beyond my control, but I can despair over the confusion, or I can pro-actively submit to God’s healing power as I engage in various treatment modalities. Even with cranio-sacral massage, it’s not a passive thing. It’s physically relaxing but mentally intense work and focus. It’s trusting God to help my body heal itself.

How do you deal with the control conundrum? I haven’t even talked about how that works out with free-will and predestination, and am not going to. God understands and I think in the end, when we get to heaven He will laugh and say “You missed the point.” The focus should always be on Jesus, the great physician, the One Who is in control of the universe and Who we can cling to when life feels out of control more than normal, (since essentially nothing is in our control). Surrendering and trusting in Him makes it easier to bear the confusion and keep me from sinking into despair. I’ll confess, I do still sink for a time until the Holy Spirit reminds me of the truth and that I can trust Him even when it’s confusing and I fear my brain is tripping me up.

I imagine Mary, submitting to God when He told her He chose her to carry a baby out of wedlock. She submitted and rejoiced in the honor, having no idea the way life would unfold for her, and the joy and pain she would endure. Many people in the Bible had no idea how God was using them in the moment, to further His plan of redemption. No life is insignificant. What a wonderful thing to cling to when life is out of control. God is King over the control conundrum, working out His perfect plan in my life, and yours, when we submit to Him. Praying you can cling to that truth during this, and every season, filled with uncertainty and confusion. There is peace resting in God’s control, fueled by His purpose, power, and love.

Author Confessions: When Someone Is Stuck in Sin

Jul7
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: When Someone Is Stuck in Sin

After writing last week’s post, I realized that some might say that I’m glossing over sin when I talk about counseling someone. We all get stuck and when emotions run hot sometimes confronting sin is not the first thing to do in that moment.

Counseling is part skill, part knowledge, and a large part empathy and being sensitive to the moment. As a Christian with a bibilical world-view it also means weighting everything against the truths of Scripture. Confronting sin is important if one is a Christian and truly loves the person you are speaking with. This often needs to involve trust. In America, we gloss over a lot of sin, even in the church, so where do you draw the line? Much like the Pharisees, we often like make other things that aren’t sin, just as bad as sin, or emphasize certain sins over others. I don’t have space here to give examples but I can assure you I’m as guilty as anyone. You can check out this post.

Someone who is abused while engaged in prostitution has definitely been guilty of fornication or sexual immorality, but if you first focus on that sin, you’ve lost the person and any opportunity to help them. How did they get in that position? Were they vulnerable and forced? Did they feel trapped? If they don’t know Jesus, by harping on sin you’ve pushed them away. Jesus didn’t do that with the woman at the well or the woman caught in adultery. He loved and accepted them where they were at before saying anything about sin. The Holy Spirit convicts of sin and unrighteousness. Now talking about the reality of sin an help, but if we want repentance over a certain sin without looking at the bigger picture of what has happened? Talking about sin in that situation will fall flat.

If you are in a car accident, your fault or not, the last thing you want is someone handing you a present and insisting you open and accept it in that moment. No. You need the paramedics do their thing. We are human after all and when physical or emotional pain is high, we can’t always register a spiritual need as well. Now if the person is dying and they realize it – lead them to Christ in the moment if you can because they will find healing on the other side.

Confronting sin in counseling, or in relationships, doesn’t need to include condenmation. Who are we to point a finger when we all sin daily in big and small ways, and often without even realizing it? Yet it still needs to be done. Even small sinful patterns can lead to bigger ones. This can have a devestating impact on others, especially children, and trickle down for generations if not stopped.

Bible-Only Counseling

I’ve heard so many stories of how couples have been terribly wounded by a Bible-only pastor who focused on sin and decided that one person in a marriage was sinning and the other one was blameless. I’ve seen marriages destroyed by this kind of counsel and oftentimes one or both have left the church. Did they abandon Jesus? Maybe, maybe not, but the shepherds didn’t take care of their flock like they should have. Not all pastors are equipped to deal with things like: trauma, verbal, emotional, physical abuse or neglect, or a narcissistic spouse (which would indicate that counseling both people at once would be inadvisable).

If you are willing to take something for a headache, or get an antibiotic, or go to a doctor, much of that information has been discovered by general revelation. General revelation doesn’t depend on the inventor’s faith story to make it something we use. The same is true with counseling. Scripture first, definitely, but denying the general revelation that is still be discovered that can help any of us be emotionally AND spiritually healthy, should be embraced. A person can’t have true spirtual growth without emotional growth. They are intimately connected. Denying or minimizing the emotional part of who we are is to deny who God created us to be and to deny our Creator who has emotions as well. Do they rule us? No. But God often uses them for His glory.

Church wounds can be a special kind of trauma and it’s hard to know where to go when that happens because you don’t want to gossip or badmouth a bad pastor or church, nor does an individual want to tarnish the message of the cross or Christ Himself, so often they suffer in silence and are too afraid to try again.

Confronting sin should be done with much prayer and a deep inner soul searching. Living life in a community of biblically grounded individuals who understand that truth and grace need to walk hand in hand, can help. My newer SUV has a blinker to give me a cue that somone is in my blind spot. Having godly people in our lives can help us with our blind spots towards sin.

We point out sin because we love someone and we want to protect them from the harm that sin, when left unchecked, can do in their lives. We care too much to let them continue and we walk along side to encourage them on their path. We admonish and love them like we hope they will do to us. That’s why God put us in community. When someone is stuck in sin they are often also stuck emotionally and need our prayer, love and support.

 

 

Author Confessions: Flip the Script (AKA Reframing)

May19
Reading Time: 7 minutes

Author Confessions: Flip the Script (AKA Reframing)

As an author, I get to dictate how my characters tell their story which can sometimes reveal how they view the events of their past. Sometimes, even the not sharing of details can tell a lot as well as the emotions they experience attached to those events.

This is also true for us as real life human beings. However, we can learn to reframe events and consider them from a different perspective which can sometimes make difficult memories easier to bear.

Years ago, when my kids were little and the youngest was in a forward facing car seat, our car decided that after coming to a stop for a red light, on a busy road at night, that it would not move. Transmission issue. After calling the police to see if they could protect us from being hit from behind, because of course was in the middle of three lanes at that point, I called for a tow truck. When the tow truck arrived, he needed to pull our mini-van onto a flat bed trailer. The rules for the company he worked for stated that there could be no occupants. The police officer, however, insisted that it was not safe for us to evacuate three children in the middle of a busy highway. The tow truck operator relented. My kids were frightened about this little ride and I told them cheerfully, “This is an adventure!”

Apparently, I’d been trying to reframe far too many things that way because my youngest said, “I’m tired of having adventures.” Funny kid, but she was serious and scared. After we were secured on the truck, he moved us to to a bank parking lot just off the highway where we then had to empty the van of our belongings, children, and their required car seats. I think that was the most terrifying part because we were really high up at this point with not much space to step when outside of the van. I’m handing my kids down to a tow truck driver, friend, and police officer to help them off. Thankfully, we got everything out safely and transfered  to another vehicle someone brought for use while that one was being repaired. Hint: we eventually ended up purchasing a different model of mini-van that was not as prone to those transimission issues.

Was it an adventure? Sure it was, although I wonder if my kids even remember that night like I do. I wanted my kids to feel safe in a dangerous situation and unfortunately, they saw through it. I was trying to reframe a disturbing event into something fun, like a carnival ride. Didn’t work, but I tried anyway. I think the tow truck driver thought was nuts when he heard me yell that joyfully to the kids. Maybe I was. Maybe I still am!

We all have a tendency to recite stories of our past I believe we become more fixed in those stories as we age. Listen to any older person as they tell the same stories over and over again and in pretty much the same wording. The issue might be senilililty but the brain remembered something it had recited for years.

Part of psychology helps people to look at negative events differently. Sometimes as we grow older we recognize that while an event happened and we reacted to it a certain way, as we gain more information that can change our perspective. Understanding more of what drove another person to say or do things can help us not feel as victimized, which in many ways can decrease a trauma response when the past is brought into fresh light and examined.

My husband has a way of telling a story of his more recent past that concerned me and I finally told him that perhaps he could word it differently. We talked about how not everyone needed to know all those details but if the main point of his story was the ending, and what God did for him, then perhaps he should focus on that part of the story instead. Sometimes dredging up the past and reciting old hurts is a way to process trauma we don’t completely understand. However, if we understand that God used that in a powerful way, then maybe we can learn a new way to talk about that event. It has changed some of his conversations now which is a positive step for him.

I hope I’m making sense. Reframing, or flipping the script and changing the stories we tell ourselves about our past can be a part of our healing process. I think this might be why God kept telling people to mark down events that happened and recite the might acts of God on their behalf. This way they wouldn’t be so inclined to focus on the negative and be whiny complaining victims, instead of trusting a God who had done miraculous things to rescue them from slavery to the Egyptians. Songs were written and sung. There are repetitions throughout Scripture of the faith of those who believed and the faith they had in God.

We too easily fall into a victim mentality and I believe this has escalated in our current cultural climate. Too many have become spoiled, lazy, and entitled. As well as angry and vindictive. This is nothing new. The Israelites did that in the desert, defying and doubting God at every turn and then suffering the consequences of that.

I’m not saying we cannot talk about what hurts us. Life is hard we all face challenges at some level. There are highs and lows in all our lives and sometimes we have to move past hurts from our past to learn a new way to see the world–and the God who created and designed us and delights in those who come to him as Father. For a time it is good to talk a bout these things with someone who can help us view it differently.

For instance, I kept telling myself I was lazy. Then a doctor told me I had Hashimotos Disease, a Vitamin D deficiency and a few other things. I wasn’t lazy, I was sick, and those malfunctions in my body, impacted my ability to function. I’ve been in remission for a long time now which is wonderful. However, when I have a day when perhaps I don’t get as much done, I do have a wonderful husband and friends who remind me of all I do accomplish. A wise therapist said, “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for the things you do well.” Whoa.

It is part of our sinful human nature to focus on the negative. The world loves to argue and take issue with people and color individuals with a broad stroke of insults. The reality is we do this to ourselves but perhaps more subversively.

When I have a low key day, I’m learning that I need to listen to my body and trust that a slower pace, or rest, are more in line with what God wants for me that day. I don’t have a tendency to procrastinate, and to be honest, I have a lot on my plate and am juggling so much right now that I’m writing this post the day before it is scheduled to appear. That is not normal for me, but God is ultimately in control of my days and hours and if I’m seeking Him first in all things, then everything else will eventually fall into place. Tell my brain that when I’m trying to go to sleep and all of a sudden the slavedriver inside starts whipping me about a cacophany of things to be done, almost as if I should rise and do them right that moment.

But sleep is important too and without that, anything I try to do the next day is already jeopardized. So I tell the slavedriver to leave me alone and focus on breathing and drift off to sleep. 99% of the time that works anyway.

Reciting the good things God has done, and the ways He has been faithful can help. During a difficult time I asked a friend to remind me of God’s faithfulness to me. I needed to hear it said. She wouldn’t do it because she said I had no faith. I called another friend, a sweet older woman who told me all she had seen God doing in my life and told me that sometimes we need others to remind us. Scripture back this up as older people are to remind the younger of all God had done. That’s general history. How much more do we need to remind ourselves? Those things become part of our testimony of God’s work in our lives.

Someone said to me, “I can’t  believe you married him (referring to my ex-husband).” I told her, “I understand why I did, and what was going in me at that time, but it’s not worth discussing now. I am a different person today, than I was then, and those experiences changed me.” What that person considered a way to insult and demean me became useless. I’m not that person anymore and if I tried to explain it to her she likely wouldn’t understand the role she played in all that. Which is fine. It’s not something important to dwell on now, at this time in my life, when I’m married to a man who treats me with love and respect, and sincerely seeks my best interests. God rescued me and while I despaired over the delay of that rescue, now I can see that His timing was perfect and I’m grateful He helped me stay close to Him through those painful years. Those events are now in a book on a shelf in the library of my mind and I typically only pull out and recite the stories of God’s tangible presence and the ways He continually showed me He loved and cared for me even when I sometimes doubted it.

Refraiming. Flipping the script. Are there events in your life you need to revist and view from a different perspective of time and maturity?

I love these lyrics by Bob Farrell and Greg Nelson. Long Look is an older song but sometimes taking a long look can help us see things more clearly. What do you think?

I can hardly believe my feet have brought me this far
To the top of a mountain, at the edge of the stars
And I know there′s a reaon God has shown me this place
To see with new vision the journey I face
I’m a river that reels through the distance below
Winding through choices and the way I must go
I take a long look, a long look
It′s a hard climb that takes a long time
I can see where I’m going and some places I’ve been
I take a long, long look
Every summit I reach seems the highest I′ve been
With my valleys below, God renews me again
I can say my good-byes to all the struggle and tears
When I see through His eyes I′ve got nothing to fear
For joy’s there to meet me and wisdom′s my friend
My companion that helps me find purpose again

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Resentment

Apr21
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Resentment

I start out writing these posts with really no idea where I’m going to go with them. Mostly it is me processing this and considering it, something many people rarely do, so I hope these are as beneficial to you as they are to me.

I’ll admit I’ve struggled with the dangerous emotion of resentment. That usually comes from unresolved conflict or perhaps someone I need to forgive (again) for wronging me at some point. Perhaps that person was even confronted about their trespass but were unrepentant. It’s easy to resent someone like that. Or perhaps I resent someone who snubbed me. There are are people I’ve served with in ministry over the years who will be cheerful and happy to my face in a fake way, but won’t accept a friend request on Facebook. Now granted, maybe there are not on there very much, but still, it says something. Or maybe they were at one time a friend on social media and unfriended me. I have no idea why. I don’t try to be political or divisive in my postings on there, or rarely advertise my writing or even this blog on my personal page.

So what do we do with these feelings of being snubbed, insulted or perhaps even injured in some way, shape, or form?

As with any emotion, we need to take it to God. I’ve had instances where I’ve been unable to seek out reconciliation and instead of wallowing in resentment I leave it in God’s hands. In my mind I have this imaginary stamp that I’ve placed on their forhead that says: UNSAFE. Those people do not deserve an intimate connection with me. Trust has been broken, and I can be polite and even friendly but refuse to go deeper than that. One individual called me after a year of little contact and she complained that we don’t talk anymore. She  forgot how she tore me to pieces when I confronted her on her treatment of me in various ministry groups we’ve been in (publicly demeaning me). I went away from that initial conversation crushed. Since that time I gave it to God. During that call, I gave her the information she requested without stating anything more about my life or even asking about hers. I just don’t care to have a relationship with her any more than I do with someone from a call center trying to sell me car insurance. I have detached any emotion toward her. I view her as unsafe but without any resentment. I wish her well, but don’t desire to be a part of her life, or have her in mine as she has not proven worthy of my trust.

I have resented the way people have treated someone I love. Evil stuff really. In this instance, resentment comes very close to hate if you consider it on a continuum. Or even anger. It can be a combination of all of the above. Or how about jealousy? We can resent people for being blessed with things we don’t have, even if they don’t flaunt those blessings.

Resentment can become dangerous when we hold on to it. It can fester and grow into some of those other emotions I mentioned. If we have a habit of holding on to that it can become pervasive where we resent a lot of people over things and treatment, real or imagined. As it grows it can impact our spiritual and emotional health as we harbor such an ugly poison within us. The dangerouse emotion of resentment is at it’s worst when we resent the God who oversees our lives and perhaps denies us our request in our timing or blesses someone else the way we want to be blessed. That’s serious one to pray about. His ways and timing are not ours. He is always at work and we need to trust that in His perfect love and plan, that He does have a reason and there is good coming out of even the darkest days.

Does resentment ever do us any good? Well, in some ways when we can identify that emotion, we can examine more closely the way we are experiencing it and deal with it. Emotions are involuntary but there are often thoughts behind them that influence them and their severity. What are the thoughts? Someone doesn’t like me and won’t friend me on Facebook. OK, that is their perogative. I’ve reached out to be friendly and it is not reciprocated. Why would I want a relationship with that person anyway? I can let it go, be friendly if I see them, fully aware that the cheerful greeting I get is phoney and move on with my life  grateful for the true friends who are a part of it. I don’t need people like that as part of my inner circle.

The dangerous part of the emotion of resentment is when we hold on to it and let it grow. Stop feeding it with negative thoughts. Instead bring them before God and then perhaps even another person to process and understand the why, so you can deal with it, and move past it, leaving resentment starving in the dust behind you as you move forward in your life. Who has time for that anyway, when there are so many other wonderful things to focus on the many wonderful things God has and is doing in our lives?

How have you dealt with the dangerous emotion of resentment? I’d love to hear of any tips you might have used.

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Abandonment

Apr14
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Abandonment

Since I wrote about betrayal last week, let’s consider a sister to it: Abandonment. Abandonment is another one of those lousy emotions that can truly wound someone who trusted in an unworthy person.

The first image that comes to mind is that of a dog. We’ve probably all seen pictures of abandonded dogs. I had one rescue who had been found abandoned on a street in Texas. He was pretty old but we’re not sure how old, and he was potty trained. Cooper was a little larger than your average Lhasa Apso and was sweet and playful. He did well with our other senior dog but became the best dog when he was the only dog. Not sure why anyone would have abandoned him, I believe our love helped him forget.

Dogs can recover from abandonment fairly easily if they weren’t also abused. Obviously, Cooper was in good health and well-behaved and bonded quickly with us. You can see his joy in one of my favorite photos of him. We miss him.

Abandonment can be both emotional and physical. With dogs, it’s usually physical. But in relationships, even in a marriage, it can be emotional if one has detatched from the relationship.

The new term is probably “ghosting.” That’s when someone cuts off communication without warning. That is still abandonment if there had been some trust established. Now, in the instance of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse, no contact is a good rule to follow. However, if that is not the case it is an easy way out for one person but could be devestating for someone else.

People with Borderline Personality Disorders often have a deep fear of abandonment which can lead to them being difficult and clingy and sometimes irrationally demanding. They have a host of other issues that are combined with this, but it is an extreme that can make it hard to reciprocate a relationship. That would the dangerous part.

Healthy relationships should be reciprocal. Give and take. Not by a tally system of who owes who what, but a generosity of spirit and trust. When that is broken and the relationship suddenly ended, it can be a deep wound for the one left behind, whether it is a child or adult.

Betrayal can accompany abandonment as can be experienced in some divorces that surprise a spouse. That can leave deep wounds if they had no idea the marriage was in trouble. Or if the instigator is leaving for another person. Ouch.

Abandonment at it’s core, hurts our ability to trust another person. In milder cases, it can be a tool that helps an individual to be more choosy in who they trust and invest their time and emotion into. The dangerous extremes are when someone refuses to bond with another person ever again, or even worse, becomes so clingy they perpetuate the cycle.

The individuals that have the hardest time recovering from these wounds are children. Foster care to adoption can be a wonderful healing process but it can take a long time to learn they are worthy of love.

Abandonment can lead to self hate if the individual left behind decides it was all their fault. Of course, when any relationship ends, it is good to assess what went wrong and where you might want to change your choices of actions and words for the future. However, to pour on yourself a heap of hatred and full-blame, is never healthy.

With the dangerous emotion of abandonment, I’m going back to dogs. Learning to trust again can happen in spite of abandonment with the help of therapy. Remember, a good counselor can help or good friends to help one process the loss. I remember at the end of my first marriage someone saying to me. “Just because he couldn’t love you, doesn’t mean you’re not loveable.” All these years later I remember those powerful words. Eventually, I found someone who loved me just as I was, imperfect but perfect for him. I was (and continue to be) blessed with constant reminders of how much I’m loved. Trust was easy to build and he’s needed some of those same messages from me.

The words from the Old Testament, in Deuteronomy 31:6 should offer comfort to anyone who has experienced abandonment. “Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them. For it is the Lord your God who goes with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. (HCSB)” God will never abandon those who trust in Him.

The dangerousness in the emotion of abandonment is when the person fails to process and learn from the end of a relationship and develop a wisdom with whom to trust in the future. That can take time. I would also suggest that if you do need to end a relationship, even if the person has been horrible, it is better to let them know in some way, even if it needs to be by text or email if they are toxic, than to just ghost them.

How have you coped with the dangerous emotion of abandondment or where have you seen it leave deep wounds?

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Betrayal

Apr7
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Betrayal

I was talking to someone the other day who had suffered trauma as a result of the unexpected actions of a former spouse. He was discussing this and I finally said, “I think what you are trying to describe is betrayal.”

It was like a sucker punch to him. Naming our emotions and realizing how they truly impact us, can be difficult and painful, but it is also important.

The word betray isn’t in Scripture too often, it is referenced in repeatedly in relation to one person: Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus.

Jesus was suffering from a variety of emotions before He was betrayed, arrested and tortured. I would suspect that even though he understood this was going to happen, it was a deep cut to His soul that someone he had trusted and poured into for three years would do this. It was essential for God’s purposes to be fulfilled but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

Betrayal can wound us deeply but like many emotions, it is more dangerous when it is unacknowledged. When we can name the emotion and feel the pain, although gut-wrenching, we can then move past the “victim” stage and move on into a new life without that person.

Betrayal that is buried and not properly grieved, because it signifies the death of a relationship, can twist a person up inside and lead to self-doubt, self-recriminations, victimhood, paralysis, and self-abasement. The danger in betrayal, whether buried or acknowledged, is the desire for justice and retaliation. God says He will vindicate those who harm us. David wrote: “Vindicate me, God, and defend my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from the deceitful and unjust man. For You are the God of my refuge. (Psalm 45:1a HCSB)”

It is entirely possible that the betrayal isn’t truly about the individual betrayed, but what they stand for: Jesus. He said to His disciples in John 15:18-19: “If the world hates you, understand that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own. However, because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of it, the world hates you.”

Betrayal is a unique wounding not only because it signifies the loss of a relationship, but also a loss of trust one had in at least one individual. We are to be wise in who we trust, and betrayal calls into question our judgement. We are to always trust God who will never betray us. We may have been blind to the evil in that person but we should be glad we discovered it. While the level of betrayal can vary, the injury is the same. We need to be careful in the future then of who we trust in and might need counseling to learn perhaps the signs of people who are not safe for us to be in relationship with.

If someone betrays someone else, take that as a red flag and do not trust them. Just like with gossip (which is a verbal betrayal), or adultery (a sexual betrayal), or personal theft (a financial betrayal), if someone is willing to do that about someone else, be assured they might do it to you. Beware of those people. Paul gives this warning to Timothy:

For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, without love for what is good, traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to the form of godliness but denying its power. Avoid these people! (1 Tim 3:2-5)

Betrayal of you, if you are a follower of God, is also a betrayal of the Lord Who called you to be His follower. It is always wise to search inside for any hidden sin that might have contributed to that but the offender is responsible for his or her own actions before God.

Betrayal buried or denied can lead to more pain in the long run. It can lead to an individual being stuck helpless as a victim instead of moving past this horrific event to mature and become wiser, to rise above as a victor. Betrayal acknowledged and our pain submitted to God, can be a turning point for us in growing in wisdom and trust in the God who will never betray those who are truly His and seeking His face.

Can a relationship be redeemed after betrayal? Anything is possible with God but that doesn’t mean that the victim in this situation returns as if nothing ever happened. We are commanded to forgive, even if there is no apology or reconciliation but that does not equate to a relationship. Trust needs to be earned over time and the person who was offended has every right to put limits and conditions and be cautious with the level of trust given to the offender. That is not a lack of forgiveness but an act of wisdom and protection.

Final note. Just because someone sets limits on your relationship doesn’t equal betrayal. It may have more to do with them than it does with you. Respect the boundary and if they have cut back on trust, reciprocation is possibly wise. Sometimes we need again to check ourselves to make sure our actions haven’t unwittingly precipitated that boundary, and maybe we have some growing to do as a result. If you find yourself betrayed by a boundary, and angry at that, it says more about you, than it does about them.

Have you been betrayed? How have you recovered from that? It can leave deep wounds that time, prayer, discussing it with a trusted friend or therapist, can help with. Grieve the loss, forgive the person, and move forward with your life. The dangerous emotion of betrayal doesn’t have to define us forever. God never wastes our pain.

Author Confessions: Secondary Losses

Mar31
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Secondary Losses

Since I wrote about secondary gains last week I figured it was time for secondary losses.

These are the things that can accompany a significant loss.

For instance, when a person is widowed, they lose their spouse, the person most important to them in the world. However, they might also lose some relationships who are couples that the man and wife used to connect with. They might lose financial security that spouse provided. The might lose a caregiver if that was a role the deceased spouse took in the relationship. That is a secondary loss. Relationships change. Their entire life is changed. That is why they often suggest a widow or widower not sell their house that first year because they are too vulnerable and might be taken advantage of. Eventually the memories can become a comfort instead of a reminder of deep pain.

A child of a deceased parent might also suffer secondary losses: the lack of time they had hoped to experience things with that individual, the lack of opportunity to learn from them, and in many instances, the lack of time to restore a broken relationship.

This is also true of divorce where people feel they need to choose sides. There a financial loss but they may lose their home, financial stability, relationships with their children (depending on age and who gets primary placement), friendships, and the connection they may have had with the ex’s family. Divorce is always painful and difficult but it also has gains as well: freedom to heal if there was abuse.

Losing a baby due to miscarriage is a horrible thing to live through, but it is more the loss of the hopes and dreams that were held by the parent that makes the grief more difficult to bear.

Losing an infant or an older child is equally gut-wrenching. The secondary losses though are the change in the home missing that individual, the change in relationships as everyone goes through the grieving process but everyone’s grief is unique, and also the loss of all the hopes and dreams that parent had for that child, including the death of the dreams that child had for him or herself.

When a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness, there is the looming loss for that individual as well as the family. But there are other losses as well: hopes and dreams of growing old together, perhaps missing significant events they looked forward to (a child or grandchild’s graduation or wedding), financial stability as medical bills take their toll, the inability for the relationship to be as reciprocal, the distancing of some who don’t know how to deal with it. That’s just a few possible secondary losses.

A friend got help for her husband with dementia as she could no longer care for him at home. Loss – dementia. Gain – help and a safe place to live. Secondary loss – her housing told her that since there were no longer two people in that residence, she would need to move.

Often times we can take changes in stride but it is worth acknowledging the complexity. When someone suffers a loss, whether yourself or someone else, keep in mind that there is more than one thing they are losing.

An individual who has suffered trauma, loses perhaps even the control of when that will hit them again. They might lose their innocence. They might become helpless in the face of strong physical or emotional pain. It is easy to stay hidden from the world to avoid that, but ultimately that produces even more losses. It is exciting that there are now more trauma-centered therapies that can help people process through that. The trauma will probably never go away, but the individual’s ability to live a life in spite of that will greatly improve which can come with many gains. (I explore that in the book: Operation: Skirmish)

With secondary gains, there is an incentive emotionally for an individual to remain stuck. This could happen with losses as well as getting attention for that loss can keep an individual stuck in their grief. Telling them to “get over it and move on,” will only cause them to dig in deeper to that victim mentality.

What about when something good happens? Major life changes do not happen in a vacuum.

A man gets a promotion with great insurance and benefits. That might result in loss of the relationships he’d developed in his current position. If it involves a move, the entire family, while gaining more financial security, might lose the connections they had at work, school, or church.

We so often focus on one thing, but any significant change in our lives has a ripple effect and some of that is positive and some of it is sad.

The birth of a child is a wonderful thing but it comes with a loss as well, loss of freedom, sleep, space, and finances. It also changes the marriage (if the parents are together) for better or worse.

No matter what we face in life, we have an opportunity to feel all the emotions but even if we need help with that, we can move past it and avoid the victim mentality.

Where have you perhaps overlooked secondary losses in your life? What secondary losses surprised you?

Author Confessions: Do You Want to Get Well? (Secondary Gains)

Mar24
Reading Time: 8 minutes

Author Confessions: Do You Want to Get Well? (Secondary Gains)

I was reading John 5 and came across this story of Jesus and it led me to write this post. First, the full story:

After this, a Jewish festival took place, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. By the Sheep Gate in Jerusalem there is a pool, called Bethesda in Hebrew, which has five colonnades. Within these lay a large number of the sick—blind, lame, and paralyzed [—waiting for the moving of the water,  because an angel would go down into the pool from time to time and stir up the water. Then the first one who got in after the water was stirred up recovered from whatever ailment he had].

One man was there who had been sick for 38 years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew he had already been there a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to get well?”

“Sir,” the sick man answered, “I don’t have a man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I’m coming, someone goes down ahead of me.”

“Get up,” Jesus told him, “pick up your mat and walk!” Instantly the man got well, picked up his mat, and started to walk.

I was struck by the question Jesus asked, “Do you want to get well?” It would seem to be a ridiculous question, after all, who wouldn’t want to get well?

I’ve ministered with people with chronic health issues, including mental health issues. Chronic issues, like the man in this story, are sometimes visible, and many times invisible.

Who wouldn’t want to get well if they were sick in any way? Especially if one is suffering horrible deficits in the ability to function?

Sometimes the disability is more rewarding than being physically or emotionally whole. It may not even be a physical situation. We have an entire subgroup in our culture that revels in being victims of anything they can think of. Yes, adulting is hard, I get that. But when a person persists in the behavior that perpetuates the position of victim, then they are doing that due to secondary gains such as attention and being absolved of responsibilty.

Now, I am not stating there are not real victims in this world. There are and they should be cared for and assisted to climb out of whatever pit they are in, so they can deal with the reality before them. We rescue victims from a car crash and render aid, but sometimes the physical consequences can go on beyond that, with pain or subsequent surgeries. The individual has a choice in their attitude: be helpless and whiny or move forward, even in spite of the pain, to live the best life they can within their limitations.

Someone who is paralyzed doesn’t need to stay helpless. Consider Joni Tada. She went through a phase of depression and helplessness after she was paralyzed,  but eventually through the power of Christ and a supportive family, she emerged from that to live a powerful life that impacts disabled people around the world. She has written countless books, sung, and painted. She has endured pain issues and cancer along with the need to be dependent on her husband and other caregivers. In spite that, and a desire to be healed, she has made the most of her physical limitations and praises God in spite of it.

If Jesus came to her and asked, “Do you want to get well?” She would answer, “Yes, LORD!” Her complete healing will most likely not come till she is with Him in Paradise.

There are people who are resistant to getting well. They get something out it. That is called secondary gains.

What would someone get that they would want to cling to? Attention from others, sympathy, maybe care, or financial support. Perhaps they like the exuses not to work or participate in the activities others engage in. There is a sickness in wallowing in that pain that in a twisted way makes them feel special.

I’ve been a victim in the past. I’ve struggled to move past abuse that left me feeling helpless to change. I finally realized that I couldn’t do anything to change that situation but I could change how I reacted to it. I could move from the “poor me” and the sympathy I received into a freedom and dependance on God that helped transform me so that when God was ready to “heal” my circumstances, I was able to move into that  freedom.

Look at someone like Johnny “Joey” Jones who lost both his legs while serving our country. From what little I can gather, he is in constant pain. Yet, when I see him on FOX, he tackles his disablity with humor and grace. He wrote a book celebrating others who have overcome: Unbroken Bonds of Battle: A Modern Warriors Book of Heroism, Patriotism, and Friendship. Or Benjamin Hall who was injured and lost his legs as well, who has gone on to write two books, Saved and  Resolute. I haven’t read any of these yet but would like to at some point. Benjamin  was told he would be in the hospital for two years recovering but was home in six months. Both he and Jones have suffered horrible physical and psychological trauma, yet have had the courage to move past it instead of staying “sick”. That took a lot of courage, pain, and perseverance as well as leaving behind the care and support they received while in the worst of their suffering.

Do you want to get well?

When I struggled with Hashimoto’s disease, it took years before I got accurately diagnosed. I was told it was no wonder I was overweight. Nothing I could do would change that until I go my thyroid under control. The problem is, even once the thyroid is functioning properly doesn’t mean that the weight melts off. It was a long process of detoxing heavy metals and undergoing other natural treatments that finally led me to be in remission. Now, if I’m tired, I can’t blame my thyroid. I’ve struggled to lose weight and I’ve tried a lot of various ways and have made some progress over the years. I’m more comfortable in my skin now and am more attuned to my body. I could have stayed heavy and and a victim of an autoimmune disease that modern medicine says can’t be cured. I’m not where I would like to be but I’m slowly getting there. I could have spent the rest of my life fat and tired based on what modern medicine could tell me, and be on pills for that for the rest of my life.

I am aware of some people who cannot even admit they are sick, psychologically speaking. Yet, sometimes it is the emotional stuff that holds us back more than the physical. Depression can lead to self-medication and isolation which only fuels the depression. It takes courage and vulnerability to face what is underlying that, perhaps thyroid, or a genetic predisposition, negative messaging, or even trauma. The easy but miserable thing to do is nothing but remain a victim to the dark moods that accompany that and maybe get some sympathy, pity, and help with maintaining life. I’m not minimzing the power of depression, but it can be brutally painful to face the demons that plague us while sitting across from a safe person to work through the underlying thoughts and actions that are perpetuating it. And maybe even chosing to take medication to help.

Do you want to get well? 

What Jesus gave the man at the pool an action to take. “Get up,” Jesus told him, “pick up your mat and walk!” 

The man could have whined and cried about how he could not walk. But he took action. Jesus didn’t pull him to his feet. Jesus wanted to see if the man had faith to obey. And the man did. I can’t imagine how odd that must have felt to have the energy to move himself, rise to his feet and then bend over to pick up his mat and walk away. We don’t know what kind of illness he had but he couldn’t even get to the pool by himself. The new reality was now he was healed which meant he would need to take responsiblity for every aspect of his life, which after 38 years would have been a shock. He would need to work and not be dependant on others to do everything for him.

Sometimes blaming everyone else for your misfortune (and getting sympathy) is a secondary gain because you avoid having to look at your own behaviors and change the way you live and perhaps repent of bad choices.

Pursuing health, whether it is financial, physical, emotional, spiritual… sometimes means leaving the familiar behind and reaching forward into the unknown. Healing isn’t always a straight path up out of the pit (My novel Pesto and Potholes considers that). Ditching old behaviors and learning new ones is not always easy and sometimes it is painful. Striving forward and pursuing something better, can take time and be discouraging but is worth doing in the long run.

Do you want to get well? 

Would you give up all the excuses and be willing to embrace a fuller life? If Jesus asked you the question what would you say? “Yes, but…” That’s what the man in the story did. If God shows you where you need to work to make a change, would you obey, get up, pick up your mat, and do it?

One last quick funny story. Probably 30 years ago now, I hurt my left knee when I missed a step going downstairs while carring an object weighing about 50 lbs. I was supposed to sing at church that Sunday but could barely walk or drive. I told the production team I would need to sing from the floor as I couldn’t manage the stairs. Saturday night I got a call from my friend Jeff, who said, “This is weird, but I believe God is telling me to come and pray for your knee to be healed.” I told him he could come over but I secretly doubted anything would change. He brought his daughter and prayed for my knee. He left, I went to bed. The next morning I woke up and my knee was healed, although my calf was in pain from the strain of that injury. When I saw him at church I told him next time I’d have him pray for the whole leg, not just the knee!

The reality is, I believed in God. Jeff obeyed what seemed like a ridiculous leading from the Holy Spirit. I wasn’t about to say no because, of course, I wanted to be well! It was obedience, more than faith that it would really happen, that God wanted from both of us. That Sunday I was able to climb the steps to the stage to sing.

If I had said no I would have been in pain, sang from the floor, but received a lot of attention, and concern for my pain. Instead, I was able to resume life normally, and give God the glory for what He had done. All these years later I’ve never had an experience like that. But if someone says healing is not a gift God uses in this day, my experience says otherwise. Healing may not be an “all the time” gift but one that God reserves for the moments He chooses.

Do you want to get well? Where are you struggling and perhaps getting attention for? Have you allowed yourself to remain a victim? This is not easy stuff and might require you to use new muscles to move toward healing and it might even hurt along the way. When we walk with God and He leads us, it is well worth the journey to ditch the secondary gains we get from being sick or stuck, and truly be  as well as we can be while living on this earth.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Anger

Nov18
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Anger

If you are not aware, I have a Masters degree in Couseling Psychology from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School in Deerfield, IL. I have worked in the field of mental health for several years with chronic mental illness clients on disability as well as served in various leadership capacities at my church in the past. I’ve also been on my own mental health journey (aren’t we all?). So how does that relate to writing? Because as an author I am responsible to be theologically biblical as I tell my stories and there are differing opinions on some key emotional concepts. I’m going to address one here and you can disagree with me if you wish but I’m honestly trying to be three things in this article 1) biblically true, 2) aware of my reader’s emotional wellbeing and 3) be brief. For that reason even though there are several of these emotions…I’ll be dealing with them seperately over a few posts.

I heard a teaching recently that made my blood boil. The preacher said that Jesus got angry and it was righteous anger and that was the only kind of anger that is permissible. In essence, if your anger is righteous, meaning you are angry about something that violates God’s law, then it is acceptable. All other anger is sin and destins you to hell.

For some reason, growing up, I had caught the concept that anger was sin. I won’t go into my family of orgin issues, but needless to say as a new believer at the age of fifteen, this caused some difficulty for me. Jesus was God, but He got angry. In my teenage mind that meant He sinned. This resulted in my stuffing down my feelings of hurt, frustration, and anger which then resulted in a variety of health issues. I didn’t understand that anger was an emotion that was part of the human condition because we were made in the image of God. My mind was blown when I finally grasped that Jesus didn’t sin! Whew!

So maybe you can understand why this teaching from the pulpit stirred my righteous indignation at a teaching that denies the very essence of a key part who God created us to be: emotional. This is a communicable attribute of God. We are created in HIS image and part of that is emotion, including anger.

Anger is mentioned 234 times in Scripture and the word angry is mentioned 44 times (based on Strong’s Concordance). The LORD repeatedly expressed anger towards His children who consistantly disobeyed the rules He set out to protect them. God has emotions. He created us with emotions. Those emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are.

Now let’s look a little closer at anger. Ephesians 4:26a states: Be angry, and yet do not sin. Wait. What? Anger is not a sin? It is only what you do with the anger that can be a sin. 

Let’s unpack the emotion of anger. Anger is often part of a continuum of emotions. Sometimes we are angry but it is really hurt or frustration. Anger can become rage. If you think of it as a continuum and expand the concept, anger encompasses a wider range of emotions, and in and of themselves, not a sin. Now if anger becomes rage and you start insulting someone, wishing them ill, or worse, seeking their destruction, then that is the sin.

In Matthew 5:22 it states: “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be answerable to the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be answerable to the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell.”  In this instance the Greek word for anger means to provoke or enrage, or wrath. (Strongs Concordance, 3710). This is a strong anger. Rage. And we all, I hope, can recognize how deadly that can be. There isn’t a term “road rage” without cause.

Let’s go back to Matthew. In this passage, Jesus is speaking against murder, which consists of taking someone’s life and Jesus is taking the action and stating the very thought of that is also sin. Sounds reasonable doesn’t it? Sometimes when we think or feel things strongly, if we don’t confront those thoughts and emotions they can become actions. Jesus is expressing an early version of cognitive behavioral therapy here and going to the root of the issue: our thoughts. Thoughts precede emotion. What we think about something determines our emotions regarding that. Calling someone a derogatory name is also not really anger, it is pride. The person is exalting himself above the other and assuming a superior attitude.  2 Corinthians 10: 5 states: “We are destroying arguments and all arrogance raised against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” Again, another cognitive action because thoughts influence actions, including words.

Who hasn’t struggled with this? We all have have violated the Thou shalt not kill commandment, even in our thoughts. Thankfully, we can repent, change our thinking and by the power of the Holy Spirit, our hearts and emotions as well. Jesus’ death on the cross even covers this sin.

Let’s be honest here. We cannot control what thoughts come into our brain, but we can determine what we do about them. Our brain isn’t always telling us the truth either. We have been fed lies all our lives and some we make up our own. We are to line them up with Scripture and replace those lies with truth.

In summary, anger is not a sin. It is an emotion given to us by God. Anger is a signal to tell us something is wrong. Maybe it comes from hurt, or jealousy, or frustration. We can be angry at ourselves, innanimate objects and, of course, other people. But when we are angry with someone, if it is possible to do so we are to go them and work it out like Matthew 18:15-18 states we should do.

We always need to be discerning about who and what we listen to and evaluate everything against Scripture. However, if confronting the person is not possible, as in this instance, we can talk to God about it, process it without slandering an individual, and pray that God will open this person’s eyes and protect the innocent and less knowledgeble people who heard the message. I am not superior to this preacher by any stretch of the imagination, and I pray God will correct this man by the power of His Spirit. And I will not be listening to his false teaching.

How does this relate to writing? Obviously, my characters experience a range of emotions but I need to be clear where that crosses into sin. Even if I don’t use scripture, I can help a reader understand that our emotions are given to us by God, but we can work to overcome them leading us into sin.

It does grieve me the damage teachings like this does to people. This isn’t the only one. I’ll be dealing with lust next. The dangerous emotion of anger hopefully has been dispelled. Be angry and sin not is a process we all need to work on and with the power of the Holy Spirit we can be victorious. We can feel our emotions, confront the underlying thought, and move past it to freedom.