Tag Archive | love

Author Confessions: The Control Conundrum

Dec15
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Author Confessions: The Control Conundrum

I have been losing my mind lately. Or have I? I had a mild concussion at the end of September and found that intially I would have occassional hiccups in my brain processing, especially when trying to find the right word when I was talking. Guess it’s a good thing I’m a writer, huh? It doesn’t happen when writing and I have more time to process, and hopefully, edit.

I’ve undergone physical therapy, chiropractic, massage, psychotherapy, bio-resonance screening, and have now added cranio-sacral therapy at the recommendation of a dear friend.

I thought things were improving, but then odd things happen and I’m not sure if it’s a brain glitch or a technology issue (or both!).

To make things more confusing we have three addresses. We have our residence in one town with long obnoxious addresses and two others in a nearby town where we have our LLC and are building our home, also with obnoxiously long addresses. Think latitude and longitude. We would prefer to use our new home address (there is a mailbox there!) but even our shop address which has existed for over 40 years doesn’t always show up and isn’t allowed when ordering things online. Even two of our credit cards will not use either of those two addresses! Fed Ex didn’t even attempt to deliver a check order there and sent it back!

I’ve changed addresses online as much as I can, with most going directly to the the new home address since we are there daily. Yes, there is a mailbox. However, the United States Postal Service won’t recognize the address (even if the village and county do) as valid until the house is 80% built. How do you determine that? Not that it matters too much, the mailman will still deliver there.

This past week I ordered something online on my phone and put in our home address (or so I thought) for delivery. Sometimes the automated systems think they know better and correct the address. I used to live on Menomonee Ave in Menomonee Falls over 30 years ago! Somehow my package got delivered across the street from there, but how? And why did the transaction even go through when that was not my billing address for any of my credit cards! ARGH!!!

I didn’t realize the error until I got the notification it was delivered, but hadn’t shown up at my door. I had to drive to the other address, someplace I had never been to before, to collect my package. Thankfully, it was still by the mailboxes and the lobby to that apartment complex was not locked. I had my phone and identification with me in case someone called the police to report me as a “porch pirate!” Just my luck I’d get arrested for stealing my own package.

Too much drama for me and I kept wondering if this was my fault or not. Did my brain just breeze over the numbers (some where correct, just added a 1 at the front) and street name which mirrored the city name? I don’t know but I honestly cried because I feared my brain was playing tricks on me.

I hate feeling helpless. Out of control. Don’t you?

I spent years in a difficult marriage experiencing that daily and staying for a variety of reasons. The main one was that God had not released me from the marriage. When He did, I left with confidence and peace, in spite of what should have been paralyzing fear.

Maybe my brain isn’t fully healed from the concussion yet. In reality I have had several injuries that are impacting it and my body over the years that were never treated effectively. And unlike dementia, I at least know and understand where there are glitches–and when it’s improving.

I just placed another order online and before I could put in my address somehow it put in my old one 50 miles north and finalized the order before I could edit it. I cancelled the order ASAP. I had used PayPal but even PayPal has my new address. I was furious and frustrated but grateful I noticed it (I am trying to be far more diligent!). I placed the order again and just went through the tedious process of putting in my credit card and not giving any automatic fill-in to take place.

The conundrum of control whirled in my brain. Not only am I recovering from a concussion which I hadn’t originally figured was so bad, but also battling technology and a internet that isn’t caught up with my reality (of a new address). A friend reported the same issue when she had moved to their new home and how it took forever for her insurance to even recognize the new address. I’m not alone.

I don’t want to live in helplessness but realize ultimately I don’t even have control of my next breath. I can make decisions but often it is beyond my ability and all I can to is react to events. I can be proactive, and try to make wise choices but even the best laid plans can be foiled by outside forces as we’ve discovered with the building process. Contractors who quit or mess up, forcing delays, and a lot more work on our part. Companies who are slow to respond to requests for information when I’m offering them a lucrative sale of their product. Contractors who take vacation before giving me final paperwork I need for the bank. Throw in holidays, weather, health, and accidents and we can recognize quickly how little control we have over this life we’ve been given.

When I write, I have to make a decision to sit and work. I do some planning, but the characters take over and sometimes surprise me, forcing me to pray for more creativity in crafting a story I hope people will want to read. When writing my latest novella, Gnomebody but You, I had no idea who was doing all the bad things in the story. I was as confused as my main character, Tali Shadowgrace. That was until the perpetrator revealed himself on the page.

In many ways I love the excitement and surprise of the not knowing. Surrendering to God in the creative process of writing.

I don’t always enjoy that in real life. I need to surrender as part of the control conundrum. That’s not a passive helpless thing. Surrender is willful, and active. A posture of recognizing WHO is in control. It’s not me.

The idea of surrender helped me through the final years of my marriage. Surrendering to God and allowing Him to work in and through me as I waited on His perfect timing. If I had pushed for my own way and gone out of God’s will, I might have missed out on the wonderful love and life I have right now.

My body is healing from the trauma of the past (CPTSD from the years of verbal/emotional/financial abuse and physical neglect), and the trauma of the present (concussion). Much of that healing is beyond my control, but I can despair over the confusion, or I can pro-actively submit to God’s healing power as I engage in various treatment modalities. Even with cranio-sacral massage, it’s not a passive thing. It’s physically relaxing but mentally intense work and focus. It’s trusting God to help my body heal itself.

How do you deal with the control conundrum? I haven’t even talked about how that works out with free-will and predestination, and am not going to. God understands and I think in the end, when we get to heaven He will laugh and say “You missed the point.” The focus should always be on Jesus, the great physician, the One Who is in control of the universe and Who we can cling to when life feels out of control more than normal, (since essentially nothing is in our control). Surrendering and trusting in Him makes it easier to bear the confusion and keep me from sinking into despair. I’ll confess, I do still sink for a time until the Holy Spirit reminds me of the truth and that I can trust Him even when it’s confusing and I fear my brain is tripping me up.

I imagine Mary, submitting to God when He told her He chose her to carry a baby out of wedlock. She submitted and rejoiced in the honor, having no idea the way life would unfold for her, and the joy and pain she would endure. Many people in the Bible had no idea how God was using them in the moment, to further His plan of redemption. No life is insignificant. What a wonderful thing to cling to when life is out of control. God is King over the control conundrum, working out His perfect plan in my life, and yours, when we submit to Him. Praying you can cling to that truth during this, and every season, filled with uncertainty and confusion. There is peace resting in God’s control, fueled by His purpose, power, and love.

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things (Part III)

Sep1
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things (Part III)

Last week might have been a downer, not that I haven’t written about sin, especially how emotions running amuck can lead us down bad paths, but still, who wants to keep being reminded about a truth we’d rather forget? As an author who is a follower of Jesus Christ, it would be negligence for me to avoid the topic.

I want to focus more on positive little things for this post.

I was doing training thirty years ago and the gal coaching me showed me a photo in her office, hung on the wall. A gorgeous sunset. With a black spot. She said too often we focus on the negative instead of the positive and that photo reminds her to look beyond the mistakes to the good that they were doing in their ministry.

It takes effort to look past the bad things in this world and instead spread some kindness and goodness. Like a smile to stranger. Sending a cheerful or silly GIF to a friend to brighten their day. Writing a card and mailing it, just because that person was on your mind (don’t let the price of a stamp become a big thing!). A hug (ask permission first).

I am trying to be more intentional when I am out in public. I can get so focused on my own tasks and I’m an introvert, so this is a challenge. Maybe it is for you. As a result, if I observe someting I like, I go and tell an individual. “That pink blouse is beautiful on you,” or maybe because I know the challenges of curly hair, “Your hair is beautiful, look at those gorgeous curls!” It can be as simple as giving a stranger a smile as you pass their cart in the grocery store. Or giving a struggling mom a word of encouragement as they struggle. “You’re doing great. I’ve been there. It will get better.”  (I try to avoid the trite “Enjoy these moments, you’ll miss them someday and it goes so fast.” I don’t miss stepping on legos).

One day on his way to our  farm property, my husband bought a box of hand picked donuts at Kwik Trip. On his way back to his truck, he spied a man at the fuel pump who looked like he was having a bad day. My dramatic husband decided to act like Donkey from Shrek and said “You look like you could use a donut!” The man was startled and grabbed a donut to the open carton presented to him. My husband didn’t bother to tell him that one blueberry one he chose was my hubby’s favorite. Making that man’s day brighter was worth it. He will often offer a shopping cart to someone going into a store but adds, “It’s a two speed so be careful!” That always gets a grin. He intentionally tries to make people smile.

On the phone when dealing with calls, whether ot the doctor’s office or insurance, there’s usually enough time to be friendly or tell them to have a wonderful day. It sounds trite but too often people who are working at answering phones are dismissed or even treated rudely. At a restaurant, address your waiter by name if you can. Everyone deserves to be seen and something that simple validates their existance. One caveat: robo calls. Try to hang up before you get a person or an automated message. I try to be as polite as possible when I get a person but they won’t listen when I say no, I say thank you and hang up.

You don’t have to be creative or unique–just sincere. Love people where they are at even if you don’t know their name. God does. Some people go so far as to ask “How can I pray for you?” and if you’re courageous enough to stop and pray for them right then and there.

It’s the little things that can make a big difference in someone’s day. Small doesn’t mean insignificant. What little things could you do that might make a difference in the lives of others?

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part II

Aug25
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part II

As I pondered little things when it comes to fiction, my little grey cells meandered to other areas where this is important.

When the Isrealites were preparing for that first Passover they needed to clean to the degree that not a tiny piece of yeast ( a little thing) could be found in the house. I had help cleaning in the house a few weeks back, and the woman told me to be aware that there were crumbs of something in one cupboard. Maybe I had mice. We live in the country and mice are not unusual to find if traps aren’t set, however, in this instance it yeast had fallen out of a tiny hole in a packet that had been cut too close. Better than a mess left by mice, but still, a mess.

I’m not a big fan of cleaning, but this reminded me that even the tiniest sin, is still sin. A speck that can obscure your view. How often do I deep clean my own soul? We get too used to the dust in the corner, or the window sill, or in the cupboard. Over time it gets worst.

There’s a saying that we are not to stress over the little things. And in reality many little things we stress over will be insignificant in the future and we won’t remember them at all. Still, when it comes to daily life, sometimes it is the little things that are important, like confessing sin, spending time with God, paying that credit card bill, changing the oil on the car…

But how about in life? How often do we pay attention to the little things around us? I was deep cleaning in my home and amazed at how much dirt shows up in the space between window glass and screen. Ewww! My husband walks around the outside of his shop or garage always looking for nails or screws. Those little things can cause big problems if a tire hits one the wrong way.

Sin often starts out small. A tiny lie. A corner of your soul that holds on to anger and resentment. Just one video you’d never want your mother to catch you watching (not to mind God!).

What about patterns of behavior? Saying a behavior is wrong for some but not for you (hypocrisy). Being able to think critically can be important for certain tasks: medicine, police work, even editing books. While that is a great skill to have, it can be difficult to turn it off when it comes to people. Having a good work ethic is important but working so hard you avoid relationships, isn’t honoring to those who love you. Seeking to do your work perfectly is great if you’re a surgeon, but expecting perfection of others in everyday life is always going to disappoint.

I could list so many more things, mostly because I have a tendency to sin. I’m gratful for those who I love and trust who can tell me when I’ve erred. I need to speak the truth in love as well at times. I hate having to call out sin in others because I hate having to look at in in myself. True love helps those they love, even with the little things.

When it comes to sin, what little things trip you up? What might God be showing you that you need to deal with? It’s the little things that can grow to be big things.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Myth of Unconditional Love

Aug4
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Myth of Unconditional Love

One of the cornerstones of some therapy is that people need unconditional love. The more I’ve thought about it though, it seems kind of wrong, doesn’t it?

There is no free pass with love. When my husband and I were doing premarital counseling, there was a questions we needed to answer about whether we believed anything could destroy our marriage. I said yes. Unconditional love would say no. Maybe I was more practical realizing that there are many things that can destroy a marriage. I don’t like divorce and I have no desire for that but it is naive to think that it is 100% preventable. While making a good marriage takes three (husband, wife, and the Lord), one person alone can destroy it.

Let me try to unpack this a little.

God loves us. He created us. There are many who say that because God is love there can be no Hell. Some dismiss God because of that. Unconditional love would only seek a person’s happiness and wellbeing. No strings attached.

Maybe the  difference here is there are boundaries and expectations. God’s one big desire was that we are to love Him with all our heart, mind, body, and soul. That’s a tough calling in a world where so many things pull us away to idols that cannot give us a tiny fraction of the love God has for us.

His love is unconditional in that He will always love us but He will leave us to our own devices if we spurn Him and He will allow negative consequences. Even in Scripture He intentionally brought punishment to the nation of Israel for their turning their back on Him. Are those strings?

“And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13).

That sounds like conditions.  God still loved them, but the ability to have a loving relationship with Him was damaged by the choices of the people He called to be His own.

This applies to us as well.

We often forget that God is more than love. He is holy and cannot tolerate sin. He is righteous and pure and cannot stand the taint of sin and our disobedience. He does extend grace and mercy to those who turn to Him and seek His repentance. He even gave us the Holy Spirit to enable us to do all that–as long as we seek Him.

Now we could get into the weeds of self-will and predetermination here but setting that aside, the reality is, however we seek or not seek Him, it is something He desires and we do have some responsiblity for.

I have a child that was difficult to raise and part of that was due to other circumstances beyond mental illness challenges. While he has chosen to cut off a relationship with me, I do pray for him. I love him. I’m sad that I don’t have a relationship with him. I also am relieved I don’t need to deal with his foul disrespect that is so contrary to the truths I and others tried to instill in Him from God’s Word since the day he was born. He has made a choice and I respect that choice. However, I will also not be opening my door wide should he want to return home. He is an adult and has made choices, and should circumstances change that make it hard for him to live with those choices, they will be his to deal with. While I hope and pray that someday he turns back to God, and maybe would desire a relationship with me, there will still be boundaries, as there should be in ANY relationship.

Is that unconditional love? Maybe so. I will always love him and cherish the good, funny, silly memories. I won’t regret the sacrifices I made to advocate for him and push him to be all I believed he could be. He has scorned that and has taken the easy, lazy path in life, but I doubt that will continue because those who have catered to allow him that path will someday no longer be there. I will not enable that kind of life, so coming to me for rescue at that point will be denied.

I will still love him but I recognize that allowing him to take advantage of me is not the way to win back his love or in his best interests.

God is our heavenly Father and yes, of course He loves the individual people He specifically designed and created. He also has allowed all of us to make decisions and choices to follow Him or not and He allows us to take those paths and face those consequences. There are consequences,  good and bad, to following or not following Him.

The Holy Spirit, whom He has given to be our guide will withdraw from providing comfort and leading when we are intentioanlly sinning against God, or worse, denying Him and His power. The Spirit can be grieved. Even God withdrew from Israel when they sinned and was silent allowing them to live the life they chose and face those consequences without a rescue until He deemed they were ready.

So is unconditional love a myth or reality? We can love, but to love well is to be honest, speaking the truth in love, working through conflict to resolution and restoration of relationships. Love that continues to foster sin in the guise of being unconditional love, is really not love at all because love desires what is best for the beloved, even when that means confronting them of their sin and providing consequences. Permissiveness is not love and nothing God has ever done promotes that kind of relationship.

God loves completely. It grieves His heart when people chose to abandon Him. It must break His heart when they make that decision because there is an unpardonable sin. Blaspheming the Holy Spirit, denying God’s power, and refusing to repent. It’s not that God doesn’t want that individiual to repent, however, the consequences is they cannot be in His presence or spend eternity with the Creator of the Universe.

This is just and it is right.

I had a philosophy professor tell me that he was going to challenge God to His face and be entered into Heaven. That kind of arrogance God despises and it is delusional to think that professor would prevail against the Holy Perfect Soveriegn God who created him. Unless he repents he will be seperated from God for eternity in Hell, filled with torment.

So, is love unconditional or not? I can hold love for people because of who God created them to be but that doesn’t put a rubber stamp on sin, or prevent me from calling it out. Those who love me will do the same and because of their love, tested over time, I can accept and appreciate that reproval when it comes because it comes out of love.

For many, love is the myth, never mind the unconditional part. Love is not just words but actions and it is not always a fuzzy sweet emotion. Love is expressed in a relationship, and when that relationship is severed, doesn’t love demand reconcilation? That would be a conditon, right?

I’ve kind of meandered here, but it’s my blog so I ‘m allowed to do that.

What do you think about the myth of unconditional love? Is it a myth? God’s love never fails but as for us sin-tainted humans it does. I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

Jul14
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

I was surprised that I never wrote about needs as I’ve always loved Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs and find it contains easy to understand, and biblically sound ideas.

If you’re not familiar with Abraham Maslow, he was an American psychologist and he studied human motivation. It’s probably what he is most famous for. He came up with five basic needs that support the needs above them for a person to be living lives as full as possible.

Hierarchy of Needs

Physiological Needs

These needs we see even in infants. We all need to breathe. If you suffer from asthma like I do, you can appreciate that even more. When you’re hungry you realize how important that need is. Shelter is important to protect us from the hazards that can come from our environments: cold, heat, sun, snow, rain, hurricanes etc. We need clothing as well to protect our bodies. Winter coat in subzero weathers vs shorts and tank tops when it is hot. Sleep is also a need. It messes with our body and our minds when we do not get enough sleep.

Safety and Security

When we break a bone, get a disease, or even a cold, we are reminded how much our health impacts our overall well-being. We need something to do. Now in our society it seems that being online and pontificating and even bragging about not working is the norm but a well-adjusted individual needs employment. Paid or volunteer there is a built in need to contribute to something bigger than ourselves. Property is important, whether you rent or own we need a place. Even gypsy’s have property, they just take it with them. Family is one that is so in danger in our world but is a deep need God has built into us. Having social connections are also important to help us develop and be whole.

Love and Belonging

Friendships, family, intimacy and connection are again, built into us by our amazing God who wants to be in those kinds of relationships with humans. Denying the need for connections and belonging can deeply hurt an individual’s development and very existance. That is why isolation can be so hard long term in prison or for those who are held captive. The lack of connection can be devestating psychologically.

Self-Esteem

We long to be confident, to feel like we matter and that others like us. When that is denied a child, or an adult, it can be devestating. We long for respect for who God created us to be, as unique creations of a loving, and amazing God. When that is withheld it can have a horrible impact on a person’s emotional health.

Self-Actualization

We all have some version of morals, we have different levels of creativity, we desire acceptance, purpose, and to know our life has meaning. We long for the ability to make choices and take actions on our own.

Summary 

Getting our needs seems so simple in a pyramid. Due to sin it can be hard for us to find our needs met in the world around us because it often requires relationships which can be messy.

Next week I’ll be looking at how this connects with motives. Understanding human needs can go a long way to understanding ourselves which is necessary before we seek to understand others. God of course, is already there and calling us to follow Him and grow to be people who can serve Him, even if our needs here on earth are not fully met. Ane while we need these things from other humans, because He designed us for relationships, He also promises to help us with all of these as we seek His face.

Author Confessions: When Someone Is Stuck in Sin

Jul7
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: When Someone Is Stuck in Sin

After writing last week’s post, I realized that some might say that I’m glossing over sin when I talk about counseling someone. We all get stuck and when emotions run hot sometimes confronting sin is not the first thing to do in that moment.

Counseling is part skill, part knowledge, and a large part empathy and being sensitive to the moment. As a Christian with a bibilical world-view it also means weighting everything against the truths of Scripture. Confronting sin is important if one is a Christian and truly loves the person you are speaking with. This often needs to involve trust. In America, we gloss over a lot of sin, even in the church, so where do you draw the line? Much like the Pharisees, we often like make other things that aren’t sin, just as bad as sin, or emphasize certain sins over others. I don’t have space here to give examples but I can assure you I’m as guilty as anyone. You can check out this post.

Someone who is abused while engaged in prostitution has definitely been guilty of fornication or sexual immorality, but if you first focus on that sin, you’ve lost the person and any opportunity to help them. How did they get in that position? Were they vulnerable and forced? Did they feel trapped? If they don’t know Jesus, by harping on sin you’ve pushed them away. Jesus didn’t do that with the woman at the well or the woman caught in adultery. He loved and accepted them where they were at before saying anything about sin. The Holy Spirit convicts of sin and unrighteousness. Now talking about the reality of sin an help, but if we want repentance over a certain sin without looking at the bigger picture of what has happened? Talking about sin in that situation will fall flat.

If you are in a car accident, your fault or not, the last thing you want is someone handing you a present and insisting you open and accept it in that moment. No. You need the paramedics do their thing. We are human after all and when physical or emotional pain is high, we can’t always register a spiritual need as well. Now if the person is dying and they realize it – lead them to Christ in the moment if you can because they will find healing on the other side.

Confronting sin in counseling, or in relationships, doesn’t need to include condenmation. Who are we to point a finger when we all sin daily in big and small ways, and often without even realizing it? Yet it still needs to be done. Even small sinful patterns can lead to bigger ones. This can have a devestating impact on others, especially children, and trickle down for generations if not stopped.

Bible-Only Counseling

I’ve heard so many stories of how couples have been terribly wounded by a Bible-only pastor who focused on sin and decided that one person in a marriage was sinning and the other one was blameless. I’ve seen marriages destroyed by this kind of counsel and oftentimes one or both have left the church. Did they abandon Jesus? Maybe, maybe not, but the shepherds didn’t take care of their flock like they should have. Not all pastors are equipped to deal with things like: trauma, verbal, emotional, physical abuse or neglect, or a narcissistic spouse (which would indicate that counseling both people at once would be inadvisable).

If you are willing to take something for a headache, or get an antibiotic, or go to a doctor, much of that information has been discovered by general revelation. General revelation doesn’t depend on the inventor’s faith story to make it something we use. The same is true with counseling. Scripture first, definitely, but denying the general revelation that is still be discovered that can help any of us be emotionally AND spiritually healthy, should be embraced. A person can’t have true spirtual growth without emotional growth. They are intimately connected. Denying or minimizing the emotional part of who we are is to deny who God created us to be and to deny our Creator who has emotions as well. Do they rule us? No. But God often uses them for His glory.

Church wounds can be a special kind of trauma and it’s hard to know where to go when that happens because you don’t want to gossip or badmouth a bad pastor or church, nor does an individual want to tarnish the message of the cross or Christ Himself, so often they suffer in silence and are too afraid to try again.

Confronting sin should be done with much prayer and a deep inner soul searching. Living life in a community of biblically grounded individuals who understand that truth and grace need to walk hand in hand, can help. My newer SUV has a blinker to give me a cue that somone is in my blind spot. Having godly people in our lives can help us with our blind spots towards sin.

We point out sin because we love someone and we want to protect them from the harm that sin, when left unchecked, can do in their lives. We care too much to let them continue and we walk along side to encourage them on their path. We admonish and love them like we hope they will do to us. That’s why God put us in community. When someone is stuck in sin they are often also stuck emotionally and need our prayer, love and support.

 

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Love

Feb10
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Love

I suppose I should first address the big issue: is love even an emotion? According to Google AI it is. Strong affection at the least but in many ways, love is more a verb, it involves acting, regardless of feelings. So we will consider it as an emotion, and given that Valentine’s Day is this week, I figured it was a good time to ponder this topic. I guess as an author who writes romance, this probably should have been the first emotion I tackled, oh well!

Love is that feel good emotion, so how could that be dangerous? Well, when strong feelings of love are not reciprocated, it could result in the person becoming obsessed with trying to make someone love them. That kind of love is idolatry and coveting, both sins God instructed us to avoid.

In 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, there is an interesting guidepost to true love which was exemplified in Jesus.

Love is patient, love is kind.
Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited,
does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked,
and does not keep a record of wrongs.
Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

Now many of us cannot honestly say we are perfect at this love thing. Strong affection though, when it is truly love, should be a model of Jesus to the object of love. That’s why a man and a woman, two distinct individuals from different backgrounds, jobs, temperaments, giftedness, traumas, successes, growth in faith, preferences…. you get the drift — will commit to loving their spouse for a lifetime. While love may be an emotion and can be directed at a spouse, a child, a friend, other family members, or in some cases even food or a movie…it involves action. Sometimes in spite of emotion.

A quick note about romance and love in fiction. I write romance. As a genre the requirement is a happily-ever-after ending. I am aware that life is full of challenges but when writing that kind of story the goal is to leave people with a happy feeling. Other authors, Nicolas Sparks for instance, since many know his work, doesn’t write romance. He writes love stories which inevitably involve loss and tears at some point. Granted, true life is filled with highs and lows…as far as fiction goes, it is where you end the story.

So what do we have with Jesus? We have the happily-ever-after, although if the story had ended at the crucifixion – it would have only been a love story of epic proportions. We get the happily-ever-after ending with Him in heaven regardless of how we depart this planet. Unless you reject Jesus, then your story ends in tragedy.

Love is hard. When one loves deeply, one grieves deeply. Love is also involved in attachment so it makes sense that one can love a dog, or a home, or a great book. We have a fondness, tenderness, and warmth toward something. We had a senior dog, Benji, who was with us for only eighteen months but he had issues we weren’t aware of when we adopted him that included: dementia, incontinence in the house, focal seizures, and an uninhibited bite response. He was so cute, soft, affectionate,and devoted to me. He was difficult to care for and make sure he didn’t bite anyone. When he unexpectedly bit me, that was the limit. A dog that bites is a liability. We had to be put him down. Part of me was relieved because he was such a pain in the neck in many ways, in spite of that sweet face and devotion. When we put him down, I was stoic, but later, I bawled. I kept looking for him everywhere. I loved him. I was patient, kind, and I bore with his idiosyncracies that come with adopting an old dog. I had invested in him and he had no idea that he even bit me or that it was wrong to do so. He sat there wagging his tail waiting for attention. Even writing this, years later, makes me want to cry and we’ve had to say good-bye to three other senior dogs since that time. Thinking about any of them will make me miss them and sad that we had to make that decision.

This is even harder with a person who is ailing. Dementia, birth defects, trajedies can change our lives and the emotion of love is not longer in control. Yes, we feel affection but it can be at war with despair, depression, and physical fatigue. Yet those who truly love, care for that person regardles of those issues, even when it is hard, hurts, and creates a burden or inconvenience.

See how complicated love is? True love lasts beyond the emotion. Sometimes acting loving can help us get back there to the feeling.

Both my husband and I came from verbally abusive first marriages and it left us wondering how well we could love another person after all of that. We obviously had the affection part down but we were old enough to know that emotions are fickle. “Do I even know how to love?” he asked me a few times. Yes, he does. He shows it to me not only in words but deeds. He provides a secure home for me, he treats me kindly, sometimes buys flowers for me “just because.” He cares about what concerns me.  He’s the one who graciously has agreed to adopt those old dogs even though their deaths wounded our souls deeply. Now we have younger dogs so hopefully we don’t have to make those kinds of decisions for a long time.

So how could love be dangerous? It can be dangerous if we are loving someone who is abusive and refuses to get help, or change. People with certain mental illnesses need love (don’t we all?) but would never make a good partner due to their illness. Love needs boundaries because we should have some affection for ourselves as well.

Boundaries are why we train our children not to run into the road without looking both ways among many other lessons. Love encourages the best of someone else but that does not mean approving or accepting abuse or sin. We will get angry with anyone we have a long term relationship with, however, it isn’t abuse if there is honest sharing of emotions. It is abuse when there is belittling, name-calling, contempt, bitterness, and put-downs.

Love without boundaries is dangerous and not really love. We should never blankly accept the terrible things someone might try to do to us. When my dad was on hospice, struggling mentally after having an extremely rare brain tumor removed, he could at times be mean. It had to be frustrating to him to not understand all that was happening or even recognize the people trying to care for him, even if they were his children. One day he got a bit snippy with my mom and she told him he needed to behave. He never acted out that way again. If he gave me any trouble, I would tell him mom would be angry and he’d comply with the plan. Once in a moment of clarity toward the end, he even thanked my mom for taking good care of him.

I love my dad and writing that made me cry. That’s love. I still have deep affection for a man who no longer walks on this earth. I admire the love my mom showed him by her actions even when it was a huge sacrifice.

Love as an emotion is dangerous when someone decides they no longer love someone anymore because they don’t feel that way. We can’t always let emotions be the litmus test for a relationship. I had a difficult time with two of my three kids as they grew up, and I still loved them during that time when they were not very loveable. Babies are cute and snuggly and easy to love, but some parents have to love one who cries all night and day, or won’t sleep, or has serious medical issues that sap every ounce of life from them. Love can and should prevail because it is almost as close to life as anything else during those times.

I’ve rambled here and it’s tugged my heartstrings so I suppose next week I’ll talk about grief.

Something else to think about though. God loves us and created you and me. Even when we wouldn’t acknowledge Him, Jesus died on the cross to bridge the gap of sin that seperated us from a holy and perfect LORD. “For God so loved the world…” I’m reading in the Old Testament right now and God’s longsuffering toward the nation of Israel is amazing to behold. He loved them even when He needed to allow, or force, negative consequences for their sins. God loved with boundaries, but His devotion never failed because LOVE never ends.

1 John 14 states: We love because He first loved us. When we are connected to the ultimate source of love, it becomes easier to love others.

The dangerous emotion of love is a deep subject and I’ve only scratched the surface. Remember that God’s love is better than any human love and should be the ONE we seek to love first before anyone or anything else. That’s hard for us fickle emotional humans to do.

 

Author SUPRISE! The Baron’s Blunder in PRINT this month only!

Feb7
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author SUPRISE! The Baron’s Blunder in PRINT this month only!

My publisher, Pelican Book Group has graciously offered YOU an unexpected deal! My novella, The Baron’s Blunder is available in ebook for free but has never been offered in print before!

This book is a prequel to my Black Diamond Gothic Regency series and if you love your books in print and adore the Regency (early 1800’s Jane Austen) era, you’ll likely love this book. I had a blast writing it! Book one of the five full-length novels is The Virtuous Viscount. Those five books are available in ebook, print, and audiobook versions.

The Baron’s Blunder back page:

Fighting evil is a hobby, fending off marriage-minded women—a chore.When Lord Charles Percy seizes a highwayman robbing a carriage in broad daylight, he conceals his identity to the debutante he rescues. It wouldn’t do for her to know a member of the peerage is secretly in pursuit of the infamous Black Diamond. Instead, he claims to be a mere mister who happened along perchance at an opportune moment.
Despite the fact she’s a woman, the Honorable Henrietta Allendale doesn’t need a man to fight her battles, especially one whom she suspects is hiding things of import. So why can she not stop thinking about the gallant Mister Percy and his selfless act of heroism on her behalf?
Meeting again in London, Charles begins to enjoy verbally sparring with the intrepid young woman, and his heart is soon captivated as well. But he’s playing a deep game, and Henrietta’s presence in his life puts hers at risk.When a successful rescue results in possible scandal, the baron’s biggest challenge will be to convince the marriage-adverse young woman that his love is true.

Happy Valentine’s MONTH! I couldn’t think of a better gift for readers of romance!

Make sure you take advantage of this offer. It ends February 28th!

Click the photo of The Baron’s Blunder cover above or use this QR Code to take you to the place where you can get this novella for $7.99!

Minnie’s Remarks: Lillian’s Last Christmas (Book Review)

Nov8
Reading Time: 2 minutes

It’s Minnie again. I’m glad Mom is giving me an opportunity here. Karen Malley’s latest Christmas novella, Lillian’s Last Christmas, could sound like a downer, but if you knew this Christmas would be your last, how would you celebrate it? The way that Lillian does has an impact that goes far beyond the grave.

Lillian hasn’t seen her college friends for some time but they had such wonderful memories together and had stayed connected through the years of life and hardships. Unfortunately, Lillian is facing the biggest of those but it is one that brings her peace and joy and she wants her friends to experience that as well. So she invites them to her home to celebrate Christmas with her.

When her four friends arrive she shares her sad news along with the joy that comes from Jesus and Christmas and her desire to experience that with them all. Her friends react in shock and dismay but decided to make this the best Christmas ever by celebrating major holidays she’ll miss next year, including her birthday. Each bring gifts and distinct personalities to the fun and their friendship grows stronger as they celebrate life, and a looming death.

Will Lillian get the dearest wish of her heart to see her four closest friends come to know the peace that can only be found in Jesus? You’ll have to read it to find out. If Lillian gets her wish, the party will someday continue in heaven which sounds like a wonderful Christmas gift to all.

I give this story five bones. Please pick up Karen Malley’s unique Christmas story, Lillian’s Last Christmas. It might challenge you to more purposeful as you  go through the upcoming holiday season. Oh, and leave a nice review after you’ve read it. It helps out an author a lot!

 

 

 

Minnie’s Remarks: I’ll be Gnome for Christmas (Book Review)

Oct25
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Hi, I’m Oliver’s smaller but older sister, Minnie, as in Minnie Pearl, because the foster family had named me Dolly Parton and no offense to Dolly, they thought my petiteness needed to be mentioned every time they talk to me. Humans are odd, but I love my life with them, much better than the Amish puppy mill where I lived for three years. Now I get sunshine, snuggles, toys I’m learning to play with, and a buddy in Ollie, who like any brother, can be a pain, but I let him know in no uncertain terms when he crosses the line.

Mom asked me to review her latest Christmas novella, I’ll be Gnome for Christmas, a whimsical inspirational romance. She wrote it before I came to the house but she let me look at the story when she was making corrections during editing and I gotta say, there’s some funny names in this story which lighten the emotional weight of struggles the two main characters carry.

Gigget Wicket is a widow with two young children and she carries shame from her husband’s infidelities. Not only was he a cad, he left her high and dry when he died which was rude. She’s barely making it and isn’t looking for a new man to love because she fears part of the problem was that she was unworthy. She clings to faith in God and good friends and works hard to make ends meet, even selling produce at the local Farmer’s Market in town.

Bingle Twinkle was left high and dry when his wife decided she preferred his then-best friend. Losing a wife meant losing his dream for a happy family. Between factory work and serving in the Army National Guard, he keeps himself so busy that usually he doesn’ t have time to experience the loneliness. But when he runs into Gigget and her two little gnomes at the Farmer’s Market, sparks fly between them.

Gigget’ s children, Djoni and Amoretta really like Bingle and his way of diffusing a hostile man without raising a fist. They are praying for a dad who’ ll make them and their mother happy. With the holidays approaching, could a Christmas miracle be in the works?

This book entails real life mixed with wit and whimsy and a touch of dreams really do come true. Buy it for me mom and leave her a nice review so I can get more bully sticks since Oliver keeps stealing mine. I’ll give this book five bones so go buy I’ll be Gnome for Christmas, you’ll be glad you did.

You can listen to my mom talk about this book here: