Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things (Part III)

Sep1
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things (Part III)

Last week might have been a downer, not that I haven’t written about sin, especially how emotions running amuck can lead us down bad paths, but still, who wants to keep being reminded about a truth we’d rather forget? As an author who is a follower of Jesus Christ, it would be negligence for me to avoid the topic.

I want to focus more on positive little things for this post.

I was doing training thirty years ago and the gal coaching me showed me a photo in her office, hung on the wall. A gorgeous sunset. With a black spot. She said too often we focus on the negative instead of the positive and that photo reminds her to look beyond the mistakes to the good that they were doing in their ministry.

It takes effort to look past the bad things in this world and instead spread some kindness and goodness. Like a smile to stranger. Sending a cheerful or silly GIF to a friend to brighten their day. Writing a card and mailing it, just because that person was on your mind (don’t let the price of a stamp become a big thing!). A hug (ask permission first).

I am trying to be more intentional when I am out in public. I can get so focused on my own tasks and I’m an introvert, so this is a challenge. Maybe it is for you. As a result, if I observe someting I like, I go and tell an individual. “That pink blouse is beautiful on you,” or maybe because I know the challenges of curly hair, “Your hair is beautiful, look at those gorgeous curls!” It can be as simple as giving a stranger a smile as you pass their cart in the grocery store. Or giving a struggling mom a word of encouragement as they struggle. “You’re doing great. I’ve been there. It will get better.”  (I try to avoid the trite “Enjoy these moments, you’ll miss them someday and it goes so fast.” I don’t miss stepping on legos).

One day on his way to our  farm property, my husband bought a box of hand picked donuts at Kwik Trip. On his way back to his truck, he spied a man at the fuel pump who looked like he was having a bad day. My dramatic husband decided to act like Donkey from Shrek and said “You look like you could use a donut!” The man was startled and grabbed a donut to the open carton presented to him. My husband didn’t bother to tell him that one blueberry one he chose was my hubby’s favorite. Making that man’s day brighter was worth it. He will often offer a shopping cart to someone going into a store but adds, “It’s a two speed so be careful!” That always gets a grin. He intentionally tries to make people smile.

On the phone when dealing with calls, whether ot the doctor’s office or insurance, there’s usually enough time to be friendly or tell them to have a wonderful day. It sounds trite but too often people who are working at answering phones are dismissed or even treated rudely. At a restaurant, address your waiter by name if you can. Everyone deserves to be seen and something that simple validates their existance. One caveat: robo calls. Try to hang up before you get a person or an automated message. I try to be as polite as possible when I get a person but they won’t listen when I say no, I say thank you and hang up.

You don’t have to be creative or unique–just sincere. Love people where they are at even if you don’t know their name. God does. Some people go so far as to ask “How can I pray for you?” and if you’re courageous enough to stop and pray for them right then and there.

It’s the little things that can make a big difference in someone’s day. Small doesn’t mean insignificant. What little things could you do that might make a difference in the lives of others?

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part II

Aug25
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part II

As I pondered little things when it comes to fiction, my little grey cells meandered to other areas where this is important.

When the Isrealites were preparing for that first Passover they needed to clean to the degree that not a tiny piece of yeast ( a little thing) could be found in the house. I had help cleaning in the house a few weeks back, and the woman told me to be aware that there were crumbs of something in one cupboard. Maybe I had mice. We live in the country and mice are not unusual to find if traps aren’t set, however, in this instance it yeast had fallen out of a tiny hole in a packet that had been cut too close. Better than a mess left by mice, but still, a mess.

I’m not a big fan of cleaning, but this reminded me that even the tiniest sin, is still sin. A speck that can obscure your view. How often do I deep clean my own soul? We get too used to the dust in the corner, or the window sill, or in the cupboard. Over time it gets worst.

There’s a saying that we are not to stress over the little things. And in reality many little things we stress over will be insignificant in the future and we won’t remember them at all. Still, when it comes to daily life, sometimes it is the little things that are important, like confessing sin, spending time with God, paying that credit card bill, changing the oil on the car…

But how about in life? How often do we pay attention to the little things around us? I was deep cleaning in my home and amazed at how much dirt shows up in the space between window glass and screen. Ewww! My husband walks around the outside of his shop or garage always looking for nails or screws. Those little things can cause big problems if a tire hits one the wrong way.

Sin often starts out small. A tiny lie. A corner of your soul that holds on to anger and resentment. Just one video you’d never want your mother to catch you watching (not to mind God!).

What about patterns of behavior? Saying a behavior is wrong for some but not for you (hypocrisy). Being able to think critically can be important for certain tasks: medicine, police work, even editing books. While that is a great skill to have, it can be difficult to turn it off when it comes to people. Having a good work ethic is important but working so hard you avoid relationships, isn’t honoring to those who love you. Seeking to do your work perfectly is great if you’re a surgeon, but expecting perfection of others in everyday life is always going to disappoint.

I could list so many more things, mostly because I have a tendency to sin. I’m gratful for those who I love and trust who can tell me when I’ve erred. I need to speak the truth in love as well at times. I hate having to call out sin in others because I hate having to look at in in myself. True love helps those they love, even with the little things.

When it comes to sin, what little things trip you up? What might God be showing you that you need to deal with? It’s the little things that can grow to be big things.

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things, Part I

Aug18
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part I

My husband and I watch movies together and my husband delights in finding things that are wrong in a movie. Like fully leafed out green leaves covered in fake snow to illustrate a winter, Christmas season.

Tiny details can matter when writing a story and for an author it can be a challenge to keep track of them.

For instance, in my novel, Whitney’s Vow, she wore glasses, or contacts. Throughout the story I had to remember whether she had her glasses or was wearing contacts. She would take out the contacts if she had migrains which she suffered from. Throughout the story I needed to keep in mind what she could or could not see based on whether she was wearing contacts or glasses. This can be exhausting! Some authors keep a style sheet with information about each character. Sometimes I do character interviews before writing. That’s how I discovered that Katrina had a scar on her hand from a fall after climbing a tree. (Sir Michael’s Mayhem). It was funny how important that scar, and that tree, became to the story.

When an author embues a character with a quirk, whether it is clothing, a speech pattern, physical infrirmity, the author needs to keep that in mind. Or if they are injured in some way, like when Pastor Dan in Bratwurst and Bridges broke his leg skiing, that had to be top of mind when he was navigating through events in the story.

Details, even tiny ones, can be essential. Especially in a mystery. A stray piece of hair. A bit of skin under a fingernail. A small piece of glass. Even before DNA it is sometimes small clues that could link someone to a crime.

If you’ve read enough of this blog, you’ll note that there are a myriad of details that an author must pay attention to, but even so, it is sometimes the smallest of things that can make a difference in a story.

Are there any unusual or interesting details you’ve noticed in books you’ve read lately? Perhaps innocuous but still essential to the story or characters the authors penned? I’d love to hear about them.

 

 

 

Author Confessions: Who Is My Audience?

Aug11
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Who Is My Audience?

This is a questions authors are asked by publishers and agents. When writing a book, who is your audience? Who are you hoping will purchase this book? It can’t be too broad. I write romance and I cannot say, “Women from 18 to 98.”

Although I have had women from that age range (and younger, and sometimes men!), the idea is to narrow down the audience so marketing can be aimed their direction.

I ran some advertisments last year through META and it was funny because someone messaged me complaining about my ad being on her page. “Get off my page!” she stated. I explained that it was automated and she can tell Facebook she doesn’t want to see the advertisment. I told her to have a nice day and then she was nicer to me. Obviously, regardless of what META’s algorhythm was, she wasn’t my target audience.

I’ve had teenagers read my books and I’ve had a man in his 80’s be the first in line to pick up any new contemporary romance from me. A former pastor of mine also read all my books as they would come out. Mine were the only fiction he would read and he greatly enjoyed the stories.

So then, who is my audience?

Originally, I started writing for myself. I always loved Regency romances, however, many on the market have unnecessary sex scenes. There was not a lot of inspirational or Christian Regency romances available to someone who devoured them (me!). Those were my great escape. When I started writing, I wrote a Regency (The Virtuous Viscount) and the audience was: me.

I primarily write the stories I want to write, the ones I believe God is giving me. Some are easier to write than others and with everyone I learn new things about writing, life, and myself. Writing fiction can be a revelation to me, not just to the reader. When I’ve co-authored, there was a differen’t process for those books and to be honest, they were harder for me to write. I’m glad I did them, and I learned a lot, but prefer writing my own stories while still editing those of other authors I work with through Pelican Book Group.

I am my audience, but that doesn’t sell many books, does it? It takes a lot of my time between the first draft, edits, and then going through the publishing process (with numberous other edits) and marketing. I do want other people to be blessed by the books God gave me to write. They will not be everyone’s cup of tea, and there is a lot of great fiction out there.

While there’s a part of me that envies authors who have a bigger audience and reach, I remember that I only need to reach the one person who needs the message God gave me for each book. A message that might encouraged them, or cause them to draw close to God in a fresh way, or even for the first time. While that’s a noble thought it doesn’t pay all the people who work on that book, does it? Every single one deserves to be paid for the work they do from cover art, editing, copyediting, formatting, getting it in the system, marketing etc. A book at $17.99 isn’t going to be enough to pay for all that and the cost of printing.

While I say I write for myself, I’m missing the most important audience: Jesus, the Word Himself! I write as an act of worship and hope to honor Him with the words that are put on the page.

A relationship also happens with some readers, who I know personally, who have blessed me with their prayers and words of encouragement “When is the next book coming out?” It’s wonderful to know there are those who love the stories, but some of them even love me. That is a blessing I cherish.

All that to say, I pray that God will lead people who need my stories to find those books. I work harder at that now than I ever did on the marketing. Not sure yet how that will all work out but I recognize that fame and fortune, while good and yes, I would like money to help sustain the basic necessities of life, are not as important as honoring God in and through the process. He is the One who is in control.

Fans of my stories can also help by writing reviews on Amazon. They can be short and sweet but they can help others find my books. Also helpful is sharing with others about them and recommending them. Word of mouth, or sharing on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter can help as well. The nice thing for new readers is, there is a great back-catalogue of stories for them to read if they decide they like my stories.

I’ll keep plugging away at the writing… and appreciate your prayers and encouragement on the way.

Who is my audience? Most likely it’s you.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Myth of Unconditional Love

Aug4
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Myth of Unconditional Love

One of the cornerstones of some therapy is that people need unconditional love. The more I’ve thought about it though, it seems kind of wrong, doesn’t it?

There is no free pass with love. When my husband and I were doing premarital counseling, there was a questions we needed to answer about whether we believed anything could destroy our marriage. I said yes. Unconditional love would say no. Maybe I was more practical realizing that there are many things that can destroy a marriage. I don’t like divorce and I have no desire for that but it is naive to think that it is 100% preventable. While making a good marriage takes three (husband, wife, and the Lord), one person alone can destroy it.

Let me try to unpack this a little.

God loves us. He created us. There are many who say that because God is love there can be no Hell. Some dismiss God because of that. Unconditional love would only seek a person’s happiness and wellbeing. No strings attached.

Maybe the  difference here is there are boundaries and expectations. God’s one big desire was that we are to love Him with all our heart, mind, body, and soul. That’s a tough calling in a world where so many things pull us away to idols that cannot give us a tiny fraction of the love God has for us.

His love is unconditional in that He will always love us but He will leave us to our own devices if we spurn Him and He will allow negative consequences. Even in Scripture He intentionally brought punishment to the nation of Israel for their turning their back on Him. Are those strings?

“And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13).

That sounds like conditions.  God still loved them, but the ability to have a loving relationship with Him was damaged by the choices of the people He called to be His own.

This applies to us as well.

We often forget that God is more than love. He is holy and cannot tolerate sin. He is righteous and pure and cannot stand the taint of sin and our disobedience. He does extend grace and mercy to those who turn to Him and seek His repentance. He even gave us the Holy Spirit to enable us to do all that–as long as we seek Him.

Now we could get into the weeds of self-will and predetermination here but setting that aside, the reality is, however we seek or not seek Him, it is something He desires and we do have some responsiblity for.

I have a child that was difficult to raise and part of that was due to other circumstances beyond mental illness challenges. While he has chosen to cut off a relationship with me, I do pray for him. I love him. I’m sad that I don’t have a relationship with him. I also am relieved I don’t need to deal with his foul disrespect that is so contrary to the truths I and others tried to instill in Him from God’s Word since the day he was born. He has made a choice and I respect that choice. However, I will also not be opening my door wide should he want to return home. He is an adult and has made choices, and should circumstances change that make it hard for him to live with those choices, they will be his to deal with. While I hope and pray that someday he turns back to God, and maybe would desire a relationship with me, there will still be boundaries, as there should be in ANY relationship.

Is that unconditional love? Maybe so. I will always love him and cherish the good, funny, silly memories. I won’t regret the sacrifices I made to advocate for him and push him to be all I believed he could be. He has scorned that and has taken the easy, lazy path in life, but I doubt that will continue because those who have catered to allow him that path will someday no longer be there. I will not enable that kind of life, so coming to me for rescue at that point will be denied.

I will still love him but I recognize that allowing him to take advantage of me is not the way to win back his love or in his best interests.

God is our heavenly Father and yes, of course He loves the individual people He specifically designed and created. He also has allowed all of us to make decisions and choices to follow Him or not and He allows us to take those paths and face those consequences. There are consequences,  good and bad, to following or not following Him.

The Holy Spirit, whom He has given to be our guide will withdraw from providing comfort and leading when we are intentioanlly sinning against God, or worse, denying Him and His power. The Spirit can be grieved. Even God withdrew from Israel when they sinned and was silent allowing them to live the life they chose and face those consequences without a rescue until He deemed they were ready.

So is unconditional love a myth or reality? We can love, but to love well is to be honest, speaking the truth in love, working through conflict to resolution and restoration of relationships. Love that continues to foster sin in the guise of being unconditional love, is really not love at all because love desires what is best for the beloved, even when that means confronting them of their sin and providing consequences. Permissiveness is not love and nothing God has ever done promotes that kind of relationship.

God loves completely. It grieves His heart when people chose to abandon Him. It must break His heart when they make that decision because there is an unpardonable sin. Blaspheming the Holy Spirit, denying God’s power, and refusing to repent. It’s not that God doesn’t want that individiual to repent, however, the consequences is they cannot be in His presence or spend eternity with the Creator of the Universe.

This is just and it is right.

I had a philosophy professor tell me that he was going to challenge God to His face and be entered into Heaven. That kind of arrogance God despises and it is delusional to think that professor would prevail against the Holy Perfect Soveriegn God who created him. Unless he repents he will be seperated from God for eternity in Hell, filled with torment.

So, is love unconditional or not? I can hold love for people because of who God created them to be but that doesn’t put a rubber stamp on sin, or prevent me from calling it out. Those who love me will do the same and because of their love, tested over time, I can accept and appreciate that reproval when it comes because it comes out of love.

For many, love is the myth, never mind the unconditional part. Love is not just words but actions and it is not always a fuzzy sweet emotion. Love is expressed in a relationship, and when that relationship is severed, doesn’t love demand reconcilation? That would be a conditon, right?

I’ve kind of meandered here, but it’s my blog so I ‘m allowed to do that.

What do you think about the myth of unconditional love? Is it a myth? God’s love never fails but as for us sin-tainted humans it does. I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Author Confessions: The Junk We Carry

Jul28
Reading Time: 7 minutes

Author Confessions: The Junk We Carry

We are in the process of moving and while we have a lot of boxes out of our house, now that showings are done, we still have much more to pack. Some of it will go into storage while we wade through storage to find things we might still need that accidently got put in with all the other stuff… It’s annoying and frustrating how much we have that we don’t need and thend trying to decide what to keep, sell, give away, or trash is equally challenging.

It is also time consuming. Both my husband and myself are planning to get rid of even more before it gets moved into our final home. I’ve tried to be ruthless and so has he but since are both creative people there are things we keep that are “I might need this someday…” for doing a project. Oh, there are lots of things I would love to do but I’d need to do more than clone myself to get them all done, assuming I’ll have the physical ability to do them, or that God will grant me the time here on earth to accomplish those things.

It had me pondering the things I carry (as do others) that really don’t help us on our journey in this life. Things that weigh us down, maybe bad memories, negative thoughts we tend to gravitate toward, or habit that really don’t advance the quality of our life here on this earth or our service to Jesus while we are here. Or lastly, people. Oh, I’m sure there’s a lot more junk I could dig up but I think those are pretty big ones.

Bad Memories

Like old pillows we collect  but can’t give away, our bad memories can surround us if we let them, but they fail to provide comfort. I have some from my growing up years and all the emotions that go with them. Some have those that are far more traumatic and need to be dealt with in conjunction with prayer and counseling. Mine, maybe, maybe not. They aren’t deeply traumatic but they left their mark.

It’s amazing how sin impacts our tendency to focus more on negative memories than the positive ones. Even in a difficult marriage there were good moments and that doesn’t negate the harm that was done, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate the positives that were there as well. As a result of the hardships, I grew and matured in my walk with God and emotionally with the help of a therapist, to be a healthier version of myself than I was way back when.

Focusing on the good and setting aside the bad is an intentional act of the will. We can’t avoid the bad memories, and we can’t erase them forever, however, we can chose to change our perspective on them. If there is healing to be done, then do that with help before shoving them away.

Negative Thoughts

We all, I’m sure, have negative thoughts that run through our minds. Scripture says to take every thought captive but like fireflies flitting around at dusk, how do you catch one with a butterfly net? They’d slip right through. You can’t stop bad thoughts as they are unconsciously driven by the sinful bent we have as a result of the fall, but we can minimize them by focusing on God’s truth.

It’s easy for me to be self-critical but I love the heart and words of a friend of mine, also an author, who says, “God delights in me, and I’m His child, so I don’t need to worry. He’ll take care of me.” She told me this with a big smile and a cute giggle. The idea of being a delight to God doesn’t mean walking in arrogance, but in calm confidence and joy that can wipe away some of those harsh critical comments that pop into my mind. Even looking in the mirror I can be far more critical of parts of my appearance, but this is the body God gave me and it functions fairly well, and I’ve been able to help it heal from effects of past emotional trauma that sometimes manifests itself physically.

Not that I need to think I’m a model, which is silly since I don’t even think all models are all that pretty. But God created me and my husband and friends love me, so, I need to accept that I am loveable in spite of any perceived flaws.

God’s word never lies but my brain does when it accuses or puts me down. I would never treat a friend like that! Neither would God. Sure, I’ll tell you if you have a black poppy seed stuck in your teeth but I’m not going to tell you you’re fat, or ugly. We all go through struggles and many of them are unseen. I shouldn’t be thinking thoughts that I would never attribute to a friend or God would never think about me.

Granted, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t own up to my failings and work to resolve those things. I am fully aware of my sinful tendencies and the evil that lurks deep inside. Submitting daily to God, coming before him and feasting on Scripture, helps a keep my thoughts focused on Him, and the wonders of all He has done and continues to do. And that’s far more enjoyable than entertaining dark or negative thoughts that don’t help me.

Habits

We all have habits that don’t help us. I’m trying to drink more water instead of soda, because it’s better for my health. I’m trying to make wiser choices in food. And footware. Practiciality often wins out over fashion when it comes to my feet! There are so many habits we have but we can replace them with better ones which makes setting aside the bad ones, easier.

I have a routine or habit of journaling and spending time with God every day. I’ve at times needed to adjust when I do it, and sometimes it might be not as full a time as I would prefer, but I find that if I don’t do that, my days doesn’t go quite as well. Kind of like if I don’t take certain medications or supplements. Or drink enough water. The impact can be felt if I neglect the  good habits in my life.

Some people like to collect things but have a policy that for every new thing collected, they must give away something else. It’s an interesting concept. Habits can be a lot of things, not just diet and exercise.

What healthy habits do you have?

People

I’ve had people come and go in my life, we all do. Some people leave us through death and leave a legacy of a positive (or negative) impact in our lives. Other people we need to cut ties with or minimize contact with for our own well being. I don’t want to spend my time, as precious as it is, walking on eggshells around someone. Like a figurine that was in fashion once upon a time, sometimes giving it away, selling it, or tossing it, is better than keeping it around. Not that we can sell or give away people,  but we can keep them from entering the door of our home (physically and emotionally), and that’s the point. Some people don’t deserve the honor of our time and attention, much less hospitality, if they bring poison with them.

We’ve had a few of those people in our lives. I can be too trusting at times but as an INFJ, if you break that trust, it is really hard to get it back. Oh, I can forgive people, but that doesn’t mean I ever want a relationship with them. Reconciliation might be possible, but again, that doesn’t mean trust and the kind of intimacy I treasure with people closest to me.

I recently blocked someone who was toxic to my husband but then tried to get to him, through me, via text. It was like a drive by shooting where he hoped the bullet would go through me and hit my hubby. First, that was triangulation which his never healthy, and secondly, this person who had a week before told my husband he loved him, wouldn’t share what was going on that caused him to go off the rails. He blew up the relationship, ran away, and tried to justify it with a rage-filled text. (We won’t be seeing emails from him either, they will go to spam now).  I didn’t read more than a few words before I understood what was going on and deleted it and blocked him. I had avoided option before that, in hopes that at some point in the future, he might want to reconcile. My hand was forceed. I took a stand, set a boundary, and in a way, toss the relationship away.

Characters in a Story

Sometimes when I’m writing a story, my own issues that I need to purge might be reflected in the characters I write. Many times that happens unconsciously. You were writing your own story (with God’s help!). What would you desire for you? What actions would you take towards growth that would make God smile?

Cleaning House

Purging and cleaning house is never easy when it’s a physical place and belongings. It’s even more difficult when it is emotional, mental, and physical. Getting rid of the junk we carry is necessary if we are going to enjoy the fullness of the life God has given us. Kind of like pulling weeds in the garden so you can enjoy the beauty of the flowers blooming there, it needs to be done. Thankfully we have a God who created us to enjoy His beauty and love and grants forgiveness when we confess the bad stuff we are holding on to. Let Him bring us treasures that are eternal to take the the place of the junk we carry.

What are you thinking about purging, with God’s help?

 

Author Confessions: Understanding Motives

Jul21
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: Understanding Motives

Let me start by describing what a motive is. These are deep forces within us that result in an individual to behave in certain ways. Why do they do that? That is a motive question. Motives can be physical, psychological, emotional, social, and even spiritual. It is the reason why a person does something. They can be conscious or unconscious, but I suspect sometimes the unconscious ones might be the more powerful force.

How well do you know anyone? Sometimes I am not sure I fully understand myself or my motives. Someone tried to put me down a while back for, in their minds, a bad decision I made decades ago. While I agree now that it was not a wise decision, it is over and done with. I didn’t understand myself well enough then to understand the forces that pulled me into that choice. Some of those were deep emotional needs to be wanted and loved, I thought would be satisfied. My motive? Seeking love and security.

Big fail. Decades later I wish I could help myself understand that I deserved better. The lies I’d been told by well-meaning individuals that no one would want or love me amplified those needs.

When someone commits a crime, one of the key aspects to solving the crime is the motive. A crime of passion? Larceny? Insanity? Justice?

When an author is coming up with characters for a book, we are often trying to figure out the motive behind the character’s actions. Maybe the character isn’t even aware of those forces whirling inside them.

Let’s consider briefly what might motivate any one of us, or a character in a book.

Biological Motives. These would include: hunger, thirst, sleep, avoiding pain, regulating temperature, sex drive, and maternal or paternal instincts.

Social Motives. These could include: achievement, power, connection, curiosity, aggression or desire to aquire things.

Personal. Habits, goals in life, aspirations, attributes and interests.

As I discuss motives and goals but when I worked in the field of mental health I discovered that when I was working with a client from an South Asian country, on goal setting, I ran into a problem. Their language had no word that equated with goal, motive, or purpose! That doesn’t mean it didn’t exist but it was difficult to motivate someone to grow and become independent when there wasn’t even a term in his native language for that.

Some people are definitely more driven to pursue goals than others, but what is really motivating someone can be difficult to discern simply based on an outward action.

Motives are often connected to needs, and sometimes more importantly, unmet needs. We all have needs that we need to meet. The biological motives for instance all corrolate with a need that is unmet when it becomes a motive. When I’m outside in the hot sun weeding my garden and get thirsty, I am motivated to get up and get something to drink. Need leads to motive.

We are so complex aren’t we? Of course motives can go beyond need but I believe at their core they can be connected to a needs as mentioned in last week’s post. Add to that all those dangerous emotions and it’s amazing the human race is still around. I’m joking of course, but given the complexity and depth of each human being with all their needs, wants, motives, emotions, preferences, histories, cultures, languages, giftedness, physical capablities, and personalities… it’s kind of silly when we focus on something like skin color. That should be the least of our concerns when we are seeking to have relationships.

Understanding motives, needs, and emotions, needs to start with our individual selves. The good, the bad, and the ugly parts of who we are. That needs to be addressed long before we start trying to figure out someone else. Counselors don’t ascribe emotions or motivations to people, they help them unearth them, to understand what deficit perhaps is behind the behavior which can lead to an unmet need that is motivating them. Did your head spin with that? I think mine did.

I started writing this post because I, like many people, have been accused of false motives. Even people close to me, have believed the lies instead of seeking to understand my choices and decisions. As a follower of Jesus, I try to make decisions based on what I  believe God is leading me to do, even when it runs contrary to what I might normally consider rational and sane. Yet God has always been there. When someone ascribes false motives to me it is as if there is an excuse for them to break the relationship for their own motives which I don’t know or understand or can’t even begin to guess. It flies in the face of our need for family and connection when it hits close to home.

The reality is, not all needs, met or unmet, are pure. One can be confident but one can also be arrogant. One can want property, but one can be greedy as well. And sometimes people are too fragile to accept the reality that intimacy and relationships come with challenges, perhaps accountability, and confronting sin, which might shine a light on unmet needs and bad motives. We don’t always seek to meet our needs in good ways and sometimes, if we are too self-focused, we can wound others in the process.

All of this comes in to play when writing a character in a story as well. Sometimes even our characters don’t always understand what drives them but the author brings some of that out in subtle ways.

Hopefully looking at the needs and motivations, will give you some tools to use as you try to understand why you do some of the things you do. Family patterns might play a role as well. Maybe that will be for another post but it is an entire branch of psychology and I doubt I could do it justice. For the moment, however, it is good at times to evaluate what is driving us to do the things we do. It might be a combination of things but it’s worth it to seek God and undestand that so even our unmet needs and our motivations can be submitted to Him, and growth can occur in new ways.

Maybe too, try to avoid assuming the motivations of others unless they let you in to help them understand them. I’ve said it before, people are messy. Understanding motives can help, but start with yourself.

 

 

 

 

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

Jul14
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

I was surprised that I never wrote about needs as I’ve always loved Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs and find it contains easy to understand, and biblically sound ideas.

If you’re not familiar with Abraham Maslow, he was an American psychologist and he studied human motivation. It’s probably what he is most famous for. He came up with five basic needs that support the needs above them for a person to be living lives as full as possible.

Hierarchy of Needs

Physiological Needs

These needs we see even in infants. We all need to breathe. If you suffer from asthma like I do, you can appreciate that even more. When you’re hungry you realize how important that need is. Shelter is important to protect us from the hazards that can come from our environments: cold, heat, sun, snow, rain, hurricanes etc. We need clothing as well to protect our bodies. Winter coat in subzero weathers vs shorts and tank tops when it is hot. Sleep is also a need. It messes with our body and our minds when we do not get enough sleep.

Safety and Security

When we break a bone, get a disease, or even a cold, we are reminded how much our health impacts our overall well-being. We need something to do. Now in our society it seems that being online and pontificating and even bragging about not working is the norm but a well-adjusted individual needs employment. Paid or volunteer there is a built in need to contribute to something bigger than ourselves. Property is important, whether you rent or own we need a place. Even gypsy’s have property, they just take it with them. Family is one that is so in danger in our world but is a deep need God has built into us. Having social connections are also important to help us develop and be whole.

Love and Belonging

Friendships, family, intimacy and connection are again, built into us by our amazing God who wants to be in those kinds of relationships with humans. Denying the need for connections and belonging can deeply hurt an individual’s development and very existance. That is why isolation can be so hard long term in prison or for those who are held captive. The lack of connection can be devestating psychologically.

Self-Esteem

We long to be confident, to feel like we matter and that others like us. When that is denied a child, or an adult, it can be devestating. We long for respect for who God created us to be, as unique creations of a loving, and amazing God. When that is withheld it can have a horrible impact on a person’s emotional health.

Self-Actualization

We all have some version of morals, we have different levels of creativity, we desire acceptance, purpose, and to know our life has meaning. We long for the ability to make choices and take actions on our own.

Summary 

Getting our needs seems so simple in a pyramid. Due to sin it can be hard for us to find our needs met in the world around us because it often requires relationships which can be messy.

Next week I’ll be looking at how this connects with motives. Understanding human needs can go a long way to understanding ourselves which is necessary before we seek to understand others. God of course, is already there and calling us to follow Him and grow to be people who can serve Him, even if our needs here on earth are not fully met. Ane while we need these things from other humans, because He designed us for relationships, He also promises to help us with all of these as we seek His face.

Author Confessions: When Someone Is Stuck in Sin

Jul7
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: When Someone Is Stuck in Sin

After writing last week’s post, I realized that some might say that I’m glossing over sin when I talk about counseling someone. We all get stuck and when emotions run hot sometimes confronting sin is not the first thing to do in that moment.

Counseling is part skill, part knowledge, and a large part empathy and being sensitive to the moment. As a Christian with a bibilical world-view it also means weighting everything against the truths of Scripture. Confronting sin is important if one is a Christian and truly loves the person you are speaking with. This often needs to involve trust. In America, we gloss over a lot of sin, even in the church, so where do you draw the line? Much like the Pharisees, we often like make other things that aren’t sin, just as bad as sin, or emphasize certain sins over others. I don’t have space here to give examples but I can assure you I’m as guilty as anyone. You can check out this post.

Someone who is abused while engaged in prostitution has definitely been guilty of fornication or sexual immorality, but if you first focus on that sin, you’ve lost the person and any opportunity to help them. How did they get in that position? Were they vulnerable and forced? Did they feel trapped? If they don’t know Jesus, by harping on sin you’ve pushed them away. Jesus didn’t do that with the woman at the well or the woman caught in adultery. He loved and accepted them where they were at before saying anything about sin. The Holy Spirit convicts of sin and unrighteousness. Now talking about the reality of sin an help, but if we want repentance over a certain sin without looking at the bigger picture of what has happened? Talking about sin in that situation will fall flat.

If you are in a car accident, your fault or not, the last thing you want is someone handing you a present and insisting you open and accept it in that moment. No. You need the paramedics do their thing. We are human after all and when physical or emotional pain is high, we can’t always register a spiritual need as well. Now if the person is dying and they realize it – lead them to Christ in the moment if you can because they will find healing on the other side.

Confronting sin in counseling, or in relationships, doesn’t need to include condenmation. Who are we to point a finger when we all sin daily in big and small ways, and often without even realizing it? Yet it still needs to be done. Even small sinful patterns can lead to bigger ones. This can have a devestating impact on others, especially children, and trickle down for generations if not stopped.

Bible-Only Counseling

I’ve heard so many stories of how couples have been terribly wounded by a Bible-only pastor who focused on sin and decided that one person in a marriage was sinning and the other one was blameless. I’ve seen marriages destroyed by this kind of counsel and oftentimes one or both have left the church. Did they abandon Jesus? Maybe, maybe not, but the shepherds didn’t take care of their flock like they should have. Not all pastors are equipped to deal with things like: trauma, verbal, emotional, physical abuse or neglect, or a narcissistic spouse (which would indicate that counseling both people at once would be inadvisable).

If you are willing to take something for a headache, or get an antibiotic, or go to a doctor, much of that information has been discovered by general revelation. General revelation doesn’t depend on the inventor’s faith story to make it something we use. The same is true with counseling. Scripture first, definitely, but denying the general revelation that is still be discovered that can help any of us be emotionally AND spiritually healthy, should be embraced. A person can’t have true spirtual growth without emotional growth. They are intimately connected. Denying or minimizing the emotional part of who we are is to deny who God created us to be and to deny our Creator who has emotions as well. Do they rule us? No. But God often uses them for His glory.

Church wounds can be a special kind of trauma and it’s hard to know where to go when that happens because you don’t want to gossip or badmouth a bad pastor or church, nor does an individual want to tarnish the message of the cross or Christ Himself, so often they suffer in silence and are too afraid to try again.

Confronting sin should be done with much prayer and a deep inner soul searching. Living life in a community of biblically grounded individuals who understand that truth and grace need to walk hand in hand, can help. My newer SUV has a blinker to give me a cue that somone is in my blind spot. Having godly people in our lives can help us with our blind spots towards sin.

We point out sin because we love someone and we want to protect them from the harm that sin, when left unchecked, can do in their lives. We care too much to let them continue and we walk along side to encourage them on their path. We admonish and love them like we hope they will do to us. That’s why God put us in community. When someone is stuck in sin they are often also stuck emotionally and need our prayer, love and support.

 

 

Author Confessions: We All Get Stuck

Jul1
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: We All Get Stuck

I remember a pastor asking me once how he could help hurting people. I told him that primarily people need to talk and he needs to listen, offer compassion, and maybe resources when appropriate.

That’s a very simplified look at counseling, yet sometimes it is the simplest things that can make a difference when we are helping someone, especially those stuck while dealing with difficult emotions like grief, anger, abandonment, betrayal… through death, divorce, abuse, neglect, or when someone close turns their back on you whether a friend, spouse, or adult child.

Complicated and strong emotions can be a challenge to deal with. You’ve probably gathered that from my various Dangerous Emotions posts.

Someone recently begged me to provide some simple things they could try to help someone who was stuck due to a traumatic loss. He was grateful for the help and figured maybe some of that could be helpful to you as well as you come across people who are hurting. Many of my books in my Orchard Hill Series look at aspects of this too, especially Pesto and Potholes.

You Can’t Understand

Even if you have gone through a similar situation: abuse, divorce, church hurt, loss of someone close, you can tell them you you can’t understand what they are going through. Every situation and person is different and the emotional fallout they experience will be unique. Even if you haven’t experienced it, you can tell them it hurts you to see him hurting. You don’t know what to do, which leaves you feeling helpless and frustrated.

o   Another way to say that might be: “(Name), when you repeatedly talk about _____________, I feel helpless and sad because I don’t know how to help you.” It’s not blaming the person, but acknowledging their pain while sharing your own feelings and desire to offer comfort.

o   You can acknowledge that the individual has trauma from all this and even suggest trauma therapy, or just regular therapy. Their church might be able to recommend someone. There are therapists online as well making it more convenient. It can be a suggestion and it is up to them to decide if they want to follow through.

Point out the Positive

God is always at work even in the difficulties of life. If you can, tell the person where you’ve seen growth or improvement in their life. It can be small. “I know you’re hurting but you got up today and even agreed to meet with me. That’s a win.”  Even if they seem stuck, help them see where they might be making strides forward even if it is three steps forward two steps back. They are moving. Try to remind them of the positives wherever you can. When dark emotions are clouding everything else they might not be able to see the positive.

o   Even as they are moving forward in so many ways, it is OK to point out they may still be acting helpless when it comes to the aftermath of situation with the various emotions they might be strugglign with like:  betrayal, abandonment, viciousness, and grief.

o   Avoid comments like: “I know how you feel,” or “God has a plan,” or “We all go through hard times,” or “Someday you will be able to see what God was doing.” While there might be truth in many of those statements they are not helpful when someone is spinning in emotional circles. They don’t care about the future right now or God’s plan. Pain can overwhelm all of that and it will come across as insensitive. Don’t put on a band aid where a tourniquet is required. Don’t brush off emotions as unimportant or that they should just, “Get over it already.”

Remind them of the Whatevers

Scripture tells us to focus on: “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is anything excellent or praiseworthy, let your mind dwell on these things. (Phil 4:8 NASB). I’ve even used this in some of my books. In psychology it is called reframing.

o   Example: When my car broke down when my kid were little, in the middle of a busy highway at night, and we needed to be towed, in the van, up on to the back of the tow truck platform, I could tell my kids were a bit scared. I told them “We’re having an adventure!” I must have used that too often for them because my daughter, in her car seat said, “I think we’ve had too many adventures.” LOL!

o   Anyway, if they say something like, “I don’t know what I did wrong,” You could respond with something like, “We all do things wrong in relationships, however, what did you do right? Maybe you weren’t perfect, no one is. Then focus again on the positive by pointing out positive virtues you see in them. Did they put on clean clothes? Do their hair? Even simple tasks like that can be challenging when emotions are overwhelming. Acknowledge the small wins but dont’ be patronizing.

o  One man I know used to say often, “I must be a bad man.” I had to remind him that while he is not perfect, and made mistakes, he is a good man with a kind and generous heart and not everyone can see that if they are fed lies and holding on to anger and resentment. Those lies do not need to become his truth. God sees and understands the truth behind all those things, and we can trust HIM to be the judge and take care of those who hate us or try to undermine us.

They May Not be the True Target

Sometimes what people are really opposed to isn’t us – it’s the God we are seeking to serve. As people draw closer to God then thedivide in a relationshiop can become greater. Especially for victims who have been abused and try to leave, it is the most dangerous time, even if they were never physically attacked before it could happen then. When we follow Jesus and make our life choices as He leads us some people will take issue with that and they might even claim truth from God to get you to do their will.

Much the vitriol people can spew out is more about Jesus than it was about a the person.  Just being around someone who is (imperfectly) seeking a godly path can feel like the Holy Spirit is poking someone who isn’t. One work of the Holy Spirit in this world is to convict people of sin and unrighteousness. That can make it uncomfortable for those who are walking away from Him and intentionally choosing a sinful path.

We all get stuck. I’ve been stuck and in hindsight I wish someone would have gently listened and then helped me see more and more the victim I had become. I felt hopelessly stuck but eventually God led me to resources that challenged me to change. That realization that I had slid into that kind of position was hard to swallow. Devestating actually. Thankfully between God, a wise therapist, and amazing friends who listened and loved me,  I was able to see God mature me, change me, and eventually leave that situation. God was with me every step of the way. We all get stuck but the good news is God never abandons us. Keep seeking Him. The LORD brings people with skin on to help us take steps towards healing and freedom.

I hope this helps when you find someone, perhaps close to you, who is struggling. We all get stuck at some point or another, so offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and love.

If you think I’m giving schmaltz that ignores blatant sin… stay tuned for next week.