Tag Archive | blessing

Author Confessions: The Control Conundrum

Dec15
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Author Confessions: The Control Conundrum

I have been losing my mind lately. Or have I? I had a mild concussion at the end of September and found that intially I would have occassional hiccups in my brain processing, especially when trying to find the right word when I was talking. Guess it’s a good thing I’m a writer, huh? It doesn’t happen when writing and I have more time to process, and hopefully, edit.

I’ve undergone physical therapy, chiropractic, massage, psychotherapy, bio-resonance screening, and have now added cranio-sacral therapy at the recommendation of a dear friend.

I thought things were improving, but then odd things happen and I’m not sure if it’s a brain glitch or a technology issue (or both!).

To make things more confusing we have three addresses. We have our residence in one town with long obnoxious addresses and two others in a nearby town where we have our LLC and are building our home, also with obnoxiously long addresses. Think latitude and longitude. We would prefer to use our new home address (there is a mailbox there!) but even our shop address which has existed for over 40 years doesn’t always show up and isn’t allowed when ordering things online. Even two of our credit cards will not use either of those two addresses! Fed Ex didn’t even attempt to deliver a check order there and sent it back!

I’ve changed addresses online as much as I can, with most going directly to the the new home address since we are there daily. Yes, there is a mailbox. However, the United States Postal Service won’t recognize the address (even if the village and county do) as valid until the house is 80% built. How do you determine that? Not that it matters too much, the mailman will still deliver there.

This past week I ordered something online on my phone and put in our home address (or so I thought) for delivery. Sometimes the automated systems think they know better and correct the address. I used to live on Menomonee Ave in Menomonee Falls over 30 years ago! Somehow my package got delivered across the street from there, but how? And why did the transaction even go through when that was not my billing address for any of my credit cards! ARGH!!!

I didn’t realize the error until I got the notification it was delivered, but hadn’t shown up at my door. I had to drive to the other address, someplace I had never been to before, to collect my package. Thankfully, it was still by the mailboxes and the lobby to that apartment complex was not locked. I had my phone and identification with me in case someone called the police to report me as a “porch pirate!” Just my luck I’d get arrested for stealing my own package.

Too much drama for me and I kept wondering if this was my fault or not. Did my brain just breeze over the numbers (some where correct, just added a 1 at the front) and street name which mirrored the city name? I don’t know but I honestly cried because I feared my brain was playing tricks on me.

I hate feeling helpless. Out of control. Don’t you?

I spent years in a difficult marriage experiencing that daily and staying for a variety of reasons. The main one was that God had not released me from the marriage. When He did, I left with confidence and peace, in spite of what should have been paralyzing fear.

Maybe my brain isn’t fully healed from the concussion yet. In reality I have had several injuries that are impacting it and my body over the years that were never treated effectively. And unlike dementia, I at least know and understand where there are glitches–and when it’s improving.

I just placed another order online and before I could put in my address somehow it put in my old one 50 miles north and finalized the order before I could edit it. I cancelled the order ASAP. I had used PayPal but even PayPal has my new address. I was furious and frustrated but grateful I noticed it (I am trying to be far more diligent!). I placed the order again and just went through the tedious process of putting in my credit card and not giving any automatic fill-in to take place.

The conundrum of control whirled in my brain. Not only am I recovering from a concussion which I hadn’t originally figured was so bad, but also battling technology and a internet that isn’t caught up with my reality (of a new address). A friend reported the same issue when she had moved to their new home and how it took forever for her insurance to even recognize the new address. I’m not alone.

I don’t want to live in helplessness but realize ultimately I don’t even have control of my next breath. I can make decisions but often it is beyond my ability and all I can to is react to events. I can be proactive, and try to make wise choices but even the best laid plans can be foiled by outside forces as we’ve discovered with the building process. Contractors who quit or mess up, forcing delays, and a lot more work on our part. Companies who are slow to respond to requests for information when I’m offering them a lucrative sale of their product. Contractors who take vacation before giving me final paperwork I need for the bank. Throw in holidays, weather, health, and accidents and we can recognize quickly how little control we have over this life we’ve been given.

When I write, I have to make a decision to sit and work. I do some planning, but the characters take over and sometimes surprise me, forcing me to pray for more creativity in crafting a story I hope people will want to read. When writing my latest novella, Gnomebody but You, I had no idea who was doing all the bad things in the story. I was as confused as my main character, Tali Shadowgrace. That was until the perpetrator revealed himself on the page.

In many ways I love the excitement and surprise of the not knowing. Surrendering to God in the creative process of writing.

I don’t always enjoy that in real life. I need to surrender as part of the control conundrum. That’s not a passive helpless thing. Surrender is willful, and active. A posture of recognizing WHO is in control. It’s not me.

The idea of surrender helped me through the final years of my marriage. Surrendering to God and allowing Him to work in and through me as I waited on His perfect timing. If I had pushed for my own way and gone out of God’s will, I might have missed out on the wonderful love and life I have right now.

My body is healing from the trauma of the past (CPTSD from the years of verbal/emotional/financial abuse and physical neglect), and the trauma of the present (concussion). Much of that healing is beyond my control, but I can despair over the confusion, or I can pro-actively submit to God’s healing power as I engage in various treatment modalities. Even with cranio-sacral massage, it’s not a passive thing. It’s physically relaxing but mentally intense work and focus. It’s trusting God to help my body heal itself.

How do you deal with the control conundrum? I haven’t even talked about how that works out with free-will and predestination, and am not going to. God understands and I think in the end, when we get to heaven He will laugh and say “You missed the point.” The focus should always be on Jesus, the great physician, the One Who is in control of the universe and Who we can cling to when life feels out of control more than normal, (since essentially nothing is in our control). Surrendering and trusting in Him makes it easier to bear the confusion and keep me from sinking into despair. I’ll confess, I do still sink for a time until the Holy Spirit reminds me of the truth and that I can trust Him even when it’s confusing and I fear my brain is tripping me up.

I imagine Mary, submitting to God when He told her He chose her to carry a baby out of wedlock. She submitted and rejoiced in the honor, having no idea the way life would unfold for her, and the joy and pain she would endure. Many people in the Bible had no idea how God was using them in the moment, to further His plan of redemption. No life is insignificant. What a wonderful thing to cling to when life is out of control. God is King over the control conundrum, working out His perfect plan in my life, and yours, when we submit to Him. Praying you can cling to that truth during this, and every season, filled with uncertainty and confusion. There is peace resting in God’s control, fueled by His purpose, power, and love.

Author Confessions: Owning My Mistakes (Ouch!)

Jun10
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confession: Owning My Mistakes (Ouch!)

I would rather not write this post. I used to be in a relationship with someone I called “the blame-shifter.” Nothing was ever his fault. Anything that happened, was due to someone else’s nefarious sins. Any failure in our relationship was always my fault because he was perfect. It always bothered me. I don’t ever want to be like that.

This past week I discovered that something slipped by me with my editing work for another author. Ugh. The last time something like that happened was when my father was dying and I thought we were all done with edits on a manuscript and so didn’t think about it only to realize, oops! It still had one more round to go! I blitzed and and so did the copyeditor, of course after copious apologies from me. We got it done because I caught it soon enough. Grief can do amazing things to our memory and while that might be true, the reality is, I should have been more diligent. You’d think I’d learned that lesson.

Last fall I sent two manuscripts to an author whom I’ve been working with for about ten years now. She’s always been on time with returning edits and somehow when I looked at our tracker for our projects I didn’t realize that she still had the documents. Odd. Not her fault though. We had a computer glitch in the fall and documents (as in edits) were not being sent out via the system like they should have. It never dawned on me that they never got to her.

So the other day I was in the tracker getting some stuff input for Christmas novellas when I realized this author had a book scheduled to release in two months. Shouldn’t be an issue if we were finishing up copyedits or final proofs but it had only been through one round of edits. Yikes! How did I miss this? Yes, life is busy and to be honest, there is no good excuse for this. The author never inquired as to where the edits, however,  I am the editor and I’m responsible to manage the project and I failed miserably, aided perhaps by a computer glitch, but still, I screwed up.

I instantly emailed the author with the edits (it really impacted two of her projects coming out close together). Once I got those sent, I called my Editor-in-Chief to confess my flub. She was gracious. Yes, we had computer issues and email issues. She said, “It’s OK, Susan.” I responded. “No, it isn’t. While I appreciate your forgiveness and understanding it is causing a ripple effect for everyone.  I messed up. It shouldn’t have happened.”

The author was gracious as well when we decided that the project due in two months would get pushed off to March 2025 due to no other room in the publishing schedule to get it out this year. The upside of this is with two other manuscripts she has releasing this year it will make her work load a lot lighter and she’ll be able to stretch out her marketing for each book so they get the attention they deserve. Less work? Why would that be a bad thing?

This is a multi-published author who has been down the path to publication many times so for her this wasn’t as devastating as it might have been for a first time author. I had that happen with my first novel when someone messed up and we had to delay the release by a few months. I was crushed. I cried. Life happens, but it still was hard to swallow. Fast forward several years and I had some major edits on a story (long story I’ll probably never tell here, but it was agonizing). This came as I was recovering from  surgery and planning a move and a wedding in a short period of time. Even without all that happening I would never have been able to do what that copyeditor wanted me to do and get it done in time for publication. It is unusual for publishing dates to be pushed off, but unexpected things can crop up on the process. I had another book project with another publisher early on in my career, that kept getting delayed so much that I finally had to cancel my contract with them (they violated the terms of the contract).  We parted ways amicably and while that book (non-fiction) is still awaiting publication, I hope it will release someday when God deems it is ready. Not like I don’t have enough to do right now as it is. My plate is full.

With this experienced author, we could have skipped steps to try to make the deadline, but I’ve learned enough through the years that we need to respect the process and unfortunately, time is an essential part of that. Due to the fact that we are not machines, but human beings, editing needs time and space between work done on a manuscript so the author, and editor, can review it objectively.

So, I’ve now shared with you the truly human factor in publishing. People mess up. We make mistakes.  We miss things. I’ve been on both sides of the issue. I am never offended when an author asks where things are at with a submission or in the editing process because I recognize that it is important to them and sometimes those reminders help keep me on track or take a second look to make sure I didn’t miss anything. I shouldn’t need those reminders, but life does get busy for all of us. I’m not making an excuse or blaming anyone else but myself. Any good author, editor, or publisher will be willing to own their mistakes along the way. Ultimately, God is over all of this and perhaps this delay for this particular author will give her not only more time to do the work that needs to be done and do it well, but bless her writing in untold ways. I don’t know. I’m not blaming God. It’s a truth that even when we mess up in life, and own our mistakes, HE is still capable of bringing good out of it. Owning my mistakes though is an important part of the process, even though it hurts to admit just how human I am.

Anonymous Gift

Dec11
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Over the years I’ve received gifts but it is rare for me to get one and not know who the sender was.

In December 2016, I had an awful Christmas. Our personal family celebration was depressing for me.

After Christmas I got a notice from the post office that there was a package waiting for me with postage due. It was under a dollar and I was intrigued. I went to the post office to pay for the package. It was a standard envelope that had to be hand stamped as there was a bulge in it and no return address. Whoever sent it had failed to realize it would cost more to get it to me.

I got home and eagerly opened this mysterious envelope. Inside was a silver necklace. It contained three pendants, a pearl, a silver circle with an engraved dove, and a larger silver circle with the words “She believed she could so she did.” There was no note. Nothing to identify the sender.

Whoa. First of all, I loved it. I found the words empowering and during that season I needed an infusion of hope. My word for that year had been fearless but I’d still had much fear. This necklace helped me have the courage to do what God led me to do the next year. I was heading into a year where my word for the year would be “hope.”

I wore that necklace all the time. It held no magical powers and to this day, seven-years-later, I still have no clue who sent it. It became a reminder that with God’s power, I could do anything He asked me to. Yes, I know that’s not on the necklace, but self-doubt is often the biggest stumbling block to obedience, isn’t it? It’s not as flawless as when I got it, filled with marks from the wear and tear it has taken, much like me! It still has value and importance.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t have had the courage to do what I needed to do for myself and my children a few months later, but those words were a reassurance that I would be just fine. I had no fear because I believed God was with me – leading, guiding, and providing. Two years later, I had a most wonderful gift of a husband for Christmas and this year we will be celebrating five years together of wonderful Christmases even though life has handed us some difficult challenges along the way.

I have occassionally sent anonymous gifts to someone. One time I got figured out which was disappointing but I understood it was a blessing nonetheless. I’m believing that whoever sent that gift was doing so at God’s leading. It meant more to me after a horrible Christmas as a reminder that God saw my grief and pain and loved me.

As we head into Christmas, the greatest gift wasn’t sent anonymously, although many people failed to recognize the Gift or the Sender. Jesus is the best gift ever!

As you give gifts, remember that sometimes it is the small things, the notes, the time spent over a cup of coffee or a meal, that have the most meaning. This gift was intensely personal and I had not shared with many people just how painfully difficult life was for me at that time. So, whoever sent it, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your gift was a blessing you couldn’t have anticipated. Since I couldn’t thank a human person, I’ve repeatedly thanked God for the gift, the sender, and the hope it gave me in a season of darkness.

Have you ever received a gift, anonymous or not, that helped in a significant way with your walk with God? What was it?

The “God Answered my Prayer” Conundrum

Jun13

Reading Time: 3 minutesLots of things stew in my crazy brain. Much of it I’m sure you’d not want to read about. Complexities and backstory would bog down the fact that emotionally turmoil is festering underneath what many perceive to be a cheerful exterior.

One recent thing though has been cooking. I have a friend who has a book doing extremely well. She’s breaking all the “rules” for promotion and marketing. I love her to bits and I’m thrilled at her success.

No. Really. I am. She’s a dear sweet friend.

I asked her what she thinks is the secret to her success. Her response: “We’ve been praying.” She does. She prays. She has people who have prayed as she’s worked on her novel for over 10 years. Yes. You heard me. Ten years.

Here’s where the conundrum comes in. I pray too. I’ve had people pray for me as I write and struggle with life. My books haven’t sold as well although they get great reviews and I’ve done so many things to promote them. I’ve had people who I respect as authors, promise to read and promote my books who have failed to do so. I’ve done so for their great novels. Grrr. Frustrating to say the least. But God can take care of them.

God is doing 10000 thingsWhich leads to a variety of thoughts.

  • Does God not love me or my book as much as He loves my friend’s?
  • Success isn’t really about how many books I sell.
  • But I could really use the money sales could net for me due to challenging life circumstances (duh, like we all don’t face those?)

And then I scold myself.

  • It should be enough that I worked hard and my books are well-received and people have found their faith encouraged or challenged by reading them.
  • It should be enough that God has brought people into my life to minister to and encourage because I have written and published my novels.
  • It should be enough that God knows my heart and my needs. All of them. He’s got my future in the palm of His hands.

So why isn’t it enough? Why do I struggle?

The issue isn’t God.

It’s me.

I’m a fallible human who struggles with insecurities on so many levels.

I struggle with depression and anxiety.

I lack support from people who should be there for me but who had sought to sabotage me every step on my journey.

They failed.

Because: God.

God has gotten me to where I am. He has brought me through so many struggles and pain beyond what I could ever dare to share here.

And my writing isn’t a job. It’s a calling. I need to own that and realize that a calling doesn’t come with a windfall. It comes with a cost.

And a blessing.

But sometimes I fail to see that amidst the pain and struggle that sometimes visits my life.

So I’m grateful for my friend, her faith and our beautiful relationship. She is also called and God’s blessing on her work has no bearing on the way He is at work in my life.

Because we are all unique and God’s work in and through us is also unique.

How often I forget that when the “should’s” come knocking on my door.

How about you? Where have you struggled with the “should’s” in your own life?

That Dirty “S” Word

Apr29

Reading Time: 2 minutes

I was reading a manuscript for a book coming out next year and kept seeing the word “submission.” Yup, that dirty “S” word. Did you think this was about something else? I know, Snickers probably crossed your mind – they taste so good but doesn’t help if you want the scale to go down in numbers.

Anyway, back to that “S” word. It is sad that we see it as dirty and uncomfortable. I understand that for many submitting to unjust authorities can be painful and hard. Submitting to that kind of thing rankles us independent free-thinking Americans. Freedom after all means making our own choices, doesn’t it?

Well, you pay taxes (maybe?) and you probably generally follow the speed limit. You try not to steal or murder. Hmm. Are you submitting to the law or to God? Perhaps both because God has given us the law for protection, for our benefit, for our greater happiness.

So too with those He places in authority over us. I have a “boss.” I cannot just go and do my own thing but I have to submit to her ultimate authority over the work I do. It doesn’t bother me at all. I see it as an opportunity to grow as I learn from her leadership and guidance.

In the church, I see the leadership I serve under as a spiritual umbrella that protects me from falling into sin. They are held responsible for my ministry before God as I serve under them. I respect the weight of that and want to honor that responsibility by responding to their authority with gratitude.

Submission does not equal doormat though. It does not equal “victim.” We are not to submit to evil or condone it.

Submission is a joy when we know that the people we submit to have our  best interests at heart and love us. Then it is far easier to submit even when doing so means letting go of some or our own desires.

Submission however is not always easy. Jesus submitted to an unjust trial, false accusations and brutal physical torture as well as the defection of the majority of his followers. For you and for me. To save us. To provide an intimate umbrella of protection from the weight and death that is a result of our sin.

In that way submission is a beautiful thing and not a dirty word.  The best book I’ve ever read on this subject is called Liberated through Submission  by Bunny Wilson. I recommend it for MEN and WOMEN, SINGLE or MARRIED. It’s the kind of book I hope my kid will read in their later teen years to help them be prepared for the reality of submission in this world and the blessings that are a part of it.

How about you? In what ways do you struggle with this issue?