Author Confessions: Love Takes Courage Part 2 of 3

Love takes courage in marriage but also in friendship.

One of the things that I struggle with is how people who claim to be Christians, can avoid God’s command that we love one another. Now if someone is abusive, I agree that space (physical and emotional) might be required but I believe we are in a time period where some people find solace in being a victim and being traumatized.

This is not to diminish anyone’s pain over past events. No parent is perfect, nor is any spouse, or friend.

“I am a victim therefore I will no longer have anything to do with you,” it is a often a cowardly stance to take. All this without ever confronting the person with why you believe you’ve been wronged. I’ve been guilty of this as well.

Years ago a woman at my church called me. I had been Women’s Ministry Director at the time. She was offended, stating I was snubbing her at church. It was not something I ever intended to do. I get in a zone and can sometimes not notice people because of that hyper-focus. I apologized to her for hurting her, even if I never intended to. Her hurt was real. After that I made a special point to seek her out on a Sunday and speak with her, if even only for a moment. I also told her that I admired her courage to call me and confront me with her hurt. I apol0gized and changed my behavior. I moved last year and don’t get to see her much anymore but I still hold her dear to my heart even more so because she had the courage to love me enough to help me grow and change.

I personally hate conflict. I’d prefer everyone be at peace and get along. However, having served in ministry I’ve had to navigate many conflict situations. It takes a deep concern and love for the other person to step into that and  I’ve never done it without much introspection and prayer so I can take ownership of where I might have erred in the relationship. Sometimes this has gone well. Sometimes it hasn’t and I’ve suffered verbal and spiritual abuse as they justify their sin. That closes the door to reconciliation for me. I can forgive. I can be friendly. But they can no longer be a friend.

When a relationship isn’t close it can be harder to want to resolve the conflict. What’s the point when walking away can be easy to do because they weren’t significant enough. Why make the time and effort if the relationship is disposable? Love isn’t really part of the equation at this point. But here’s my question: Shouldn’t it be? If we are believers in Christ, and someone offends us, confronting bad behavior in a loving way could help that other person grow.

I had this happen in ministry where I witnessed a pattern of behavior from a fellow leader. When I finally sat her down and told her what I saw and how much it grieved me because I know that her actions were not a reflection of how she wanted to be, it was received with gratitude. I’m not perfect either but when I fail I would hope people would love me enough to point out my blind spots.

This is hard in marriage because the choice to step away from the relationship is more complicated. It takes greater effort sometimes to fight to be heard and understood. Two people with differing opinions, pasts, filters through which they see the world, can struggle to come to an agreement or compromise. It’s easier when we truly believe two things 1) The other person is in my corner and loves me 2) The other person wants what’s best for us and the relationship.

As believers we should be seeking unity and love even with people we disagree with. In our polarized climate that can be hard. Not every dispute is life or death even though hyperbolic talk might make it seem so and draw imaginary lines in the sand. Love takes courage in friendships. A true friend should not be discarded easily.