Tag Archive | friendship

Author Confessions: Emotional Bandwidth

Sep22
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Emotional Bandwidth

The other day I found myself saying to my husband, “I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for that today. Maybe some other time.”

The heat and the weeks of moving stress finally hit me at that point and I had to say: No.

I’m sure if I pushed myself I could have done more. But that might have caused more problems for me. The heat, the hard work, the stress. I was done.

Emotional bandwidth is a new term for me. I’m not sure how I learned it, but it makes sense. Internet gets slow when there’s not enough “bandwidth”  for the data to get through. We have a limited capacity for stress when it hits all areas of our being.

The same is true when our mental, physical, and emotional capacities are depleted. For the past two weeks I’d been dealing with headaches that just wouldn’t go away. Stress? Did I over do things physically causing misalignment in my neck and upper back? I don’t know but until I could find the time to research and then call to get into a chiropractor (and a new massage therapist) I wasn’t functioning at my peak.

I’ve been trying to balance the need to rest and recharge with the demands that come at me from all angles. It can be paralyzing. I’m blessed with dear friends who I can reach out to and who pray for me and offer words of encouragement even if they are 50 or 1,287 miles away. The blessings of the internet can keep us close. Two of my dear friends only just moved themselves so they have a deeper appreciation for the stresses that go along with that.

I remember learning about looking at aspects of your life from the perspective of a fuel gauge. Unfortunately the car needs more than fuel to run optimally. The oil needs to be clean and filled, the tires need to be inflated to the appropriate psi, wires need to connect, the starter must work, the battery in the key fob is now a concern that wasn’t twenty years ago.

We are more complex than a vehicle, even a brand new one with so many electronic, digital componants you need a master’s degree to be able to use them all.

I’ve been on this planet long enough, you think I’d have a good understanding of myself. I’m still learning. I’m grateful to a God who not only created me but understands parts of who I am that I don’t yet know about. Part of the issue for all of us, hopefully, is that we are growing and changing as we age, and hopefully that maturity helps us understand ourselves more completely. As we grow and change the world also changes around us and there is adaptation everywhere.

I’ve long had a discipline of time with God, reading Scripture and writing it down to help me slow my brain down and focus, and writing out my thoughts, feelings, and prayers. It helps but life can still be overwhelming. Slowing down, giving myself grace, even permission to cry when it becomes too much, is all healthy. And necessary.

Especially when events in the world can also throw one’s emotions into chaos. Grief, sorrow, horror all take a toll, whether we know a person impacted or not.

I think God sometimes takes us to the brink so we realize we can’t do it on our own and we desperately need Him. I’ve been seeking Him all along on this journey, however, it’s easy for that focus to slip.

I finally saw a chiropractor and my headaches disappeared. I got a new massage therapist and I’m sure that will help my body as I recover from the past few months of stress. Time with God daily helps as well as saying “no” when appropriate.

That can be difficult. I’ve had immediate reactions where I wanted to say NO but God led me to say yes and I was incredibly blessed. Sometimes I jump before seeking Him, and NO is likely to be a better default right now as I seek to find my way in a new community, search for a new church, and develop new relationships here.

Have you experienced issues with your emotional bandwidth and been forced to make adjustments? How has that worked out for you? What helps you protect your emotional bandwidth?

 

 

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

Jul14
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

I was surprised that I never wrote about needs as I’ve always loved Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs and find it contains easy to understand, and biblically sound ideas.

If you’re not familiar with Abraham Maslow, he was an American psychologist and he studied human motivation. It’s probably what he is most famous for. He came up with five basic needs that support the needs above them for a person to be living lives as full as possible.

Hierarchy of Needs

Physiological Needs

These needs we see even in infants. We all need to breathe. If you suffer from asthma like I do, you can appreciate that even more. When you’re hungry you realize how important that need is. Shelter is important to protect us from the hazards that can come from our environments: cold, heat, sun, snow, rain, hurricanes etc. We need clothing as well to protect our bodies. Winter coat in subzero weathers vs shorts and tank tops when it is hot. Sleep is also a need. It messes with our body and our minds when we do not get enough sleep.

Safety and Security

When we break a bone, get a disease, or even a cold, we are reminded how much our health impacts our overall well-being. We need something to do. Now in our society it seems that being online and pontificating and even bragging about not working is the norm but a well-adjusted individual needs employment. Paid or volunteer there is a built in need to contribute to something bigger than ourselves. Property is important, whether you rent or own we need a place. Even gypsy’s have property, they just take it with them. Family is one that is so in danger in our world but is a deep need God has built into us. Having social connections are also important to help us develop and be whole.

Love and Belonging

Friendships, family, intimacy and connection are again, built into us by our amazing God who wants to be in those kinds of relationships with humans. Denying the need for connections and belonging can deeply hurt an individual’s development and very existance. That is why isolation can be so hard long term in prison or for those who are held captive. The lack of connection can be devestating psychologically.

Self-Esteem

We long to be confident, to feel like we matter and that others like us. When that is denied a child, or an adult, it can be devestating. We long for respect for who God created us to be, as unique creations of a loving, and amazing God. When that is withheld it can have a horrible impact on a person’s emotional health.

Self-Actualization

We all have some version of morals, we have different levels of creativity, we desire acceptance, purpose, and to know our life has meaning. We long for the ability to make choices and take actions on our own.

Summary 

Getting our needs seems so simple in a pyramid. Due to sin it can be hard for us to find our needs met in the world around us because it often requires relationships which can be messy.

Next week I’ll be looking at how this connects with motives. Understanding human needs can go a long way to understanding ourselves which is necessary before we seek to understand others. God of course, is already there and calling us to follow Him and grow to be people who can serve Him, even if our needs here on earth are not fully met. Ane while we need these things from other humans, because He designed us for relationships, He also promises to help us with all of these as we seek His face.

Author Confessions: Fighting the Lie That There’s Not Enough Time

Jun16
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Fighting the Lie That There’s Not Enough Time

I’m in a busy season and I was aware that during this year I would be stretched and would face some challenges. Some of those were of our own making. We believe God called us to something but just because He leads us on a path doesn’t mean it will be an easy journey.

My word for the year is BREATHE because anxiety can well up when I am overwhelmed with too much to do, it can border on panic. I’m juggling a lot of balls of different weights, colors, and shapes and I’m not that great at it.

My mind wants to complain: “There’s not enough time to do all this!” And yet, somehow I’m in the middle of June and things have been accomplished. Maybe not as fast as I would prefer as I’ve had to put some things temporarily on the back burner, but they have been done.

One day when I was busy doing marketing stuff, a friend texted wanting to meet. Right now. My first internal response was NO! I don’t have time for this! I paused and reminded myself of a lesson I learned many years ago–the hard way–that people are more important than tasks. So I said yes. I closed my laptop and headed out the door and I’m glad I did. My friend had gone through terrible losses and was in the midst of several significant life changes all happening at the same time. We sat at a mostly empty Dairy Queen and she sobbed out her fears, grief, frustrations, hope. Dreams were coming true but there had been a gut-wrenching journey to get there and it wasn’t over yet. I listened, consoled, empathized, and gave lots of hugs (and napkins to wipe away tears). We parted and I returned home to resume my work. My friend needed me and I’m grateful I could be there for her.

Another friend called the other day, stranded, and needing a ride to a city about 50 miles away. Right now. I again was diving into an intensive work project (that I still haven’t returned to!). I dropped everything and went to pick her up and drive her to her destination, with a stop at Chick-fil-a along the way because neither of us had had lunch. She apologized and was grateful but I reminded her that we’ve both been busy and I’m grateful that we had a good time to visit and catch up.

My husband complained about a project taking too long. I had to remind him that God is in control and perhaps those delays were to protect us. Nothing is wasted in God’s economy.

There is the lie that there is not enough time, but somehow things get done and if I have too much to do, maybe it’s not what God intends for me to do today. If I seek Him for the next steps, somehow He accomplishes what He needs for me to do. That’s hard when there are several items on a to do list beyond the everyday things: dishes, laundry, yard work, paying bills, making meals, shopping, church, and sleeping.

The lie is there isn’t enough time. The truth is, perhaps I’m not focusing on what God really wants me to do. If I believed the lie I would have worked instead of being there for my friends. Maybe God understands that our timeline is not possible and if things are delayed, it might be because He, in His perfect wisdom, understands our limitations.

That’s a hard one to swallow to someone who likes to check things off her list. And likes to know the plan. Well, I have a glimpse of His plan and it’s exciting, however, the journey to accomplishing all of that is requiring more of me than I expected.

BREATHE.

I had a nightmare last night that somehow in the busyness of the last few days, I’d forgotten to write a blog post. A few hours after I woke up this morning I realized it was not a nightmare, but the reality of life. I even debated about not writing one at all. Here I am after two appointments and mowing the lawn, writing a post that just gets scheduled a few hours later than normal.

I’m OK with that because maybe the lesson God is reminding me of, is something you need to hear as well.

I’m going to take a few breaths, finish up this project and a few other things that slipped through the cracks and then get back to the grind, or not, if I run out of time for today. I’m good with that because God knows my heart and the purposes He calls me to. Sometimes I get too caught up in the small stuff to see the bigger picture and to remind myself that God is faithful and will see me through. If I need to cry like my friend, with all the emotions that fight to be felt, that’s going to be fine as well, and maybe, if I’m brave enough to ask, a friend will sit and listen to me too.

Fight the lie that there is not enough time. Let God guide your next steps. A friend often reminds me: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How do we follow the path God leads us on? One step at a time, clinging to Him all the way.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Abandonment

Apr14
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Abandonment

Since I wrote about betrayal last week, let’s consider a sister to it: Abandonment. Abandonment is another one of those lousy emotions that can truly wound someone who trusted in an unworthy person.

The first image that comes to mind is that of a dog. We’ve probably all seen pictures of abandonded dogs. I had one rescue who had been found abandoned on a street in Texas. He was pretty old but we’re not sure how old, and he was potty trained. Cooper was a little larger than your average Lhasa Apso and was sweet and playful. He did well with our other senior dog but became the best dog when he was the only dog. Not sure why anyone would have abandoned him, I believe our love helped him forget.

Dogs can recover from abandonment fairly easily if they weren’t also abused. Obviously, Cooper was in good health and well-behaved and bonded quickly with us. You can see his joy in one of my favorite photos of him. We miss him.

Abandonment can be both emotional and physical. With dogs, it’s usually physical. But in relationships, even in a marriage, it can be emotional if one has detatched from the relationship.

The new term is probably “ghosting.” That’s when someone cuts off communication without warning. That is still abandonment if there had been some trust established. Now, in the instance of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse, no contact is a good rule to follow. However, if that is not the case it is an easy way out for one person but could be devestating for someone else.

People with Borderline Personality Disorders often have a deep fear of abandonment which can lead to them being difficult and clingy and sometimes irrationally demanding. They have a host of other issues that are combined with this, but it is an extreme that can make it hard to reciprocate a relationship. That would the dangerous part.

Healthy relationships should be reciprocal. Give and take. Not by a tally system of who owes who what, but a generosity of spirit and trust. When that is broken and the relationship suddenly ended, it can be a deep wound for the one left behind, whether it is a child or adult.

Betrayal can accompany abandonment as can be experienced in some divorces that surprise a spouse. That can leave deep wounds if they had no idea the marriage was in trouble. Or if the instigator is leaving for another person. Ouch.

Abandonment at it’s core, hurts our ability to trust another person. In milder cases, it can be a tool that helps an individual to be more choosy in who they trust and invest their time and emotion into. The dangerous extremes are when someone refuses to bond with another person ever again, or even worse, becomes so clingy they perpetuate the cycle.

The individuals that have the hardest time recovering from these wounds are children. Foster care to adoption can be a wonderful healing process but it can take a long time to learn they are worthy of love.

Abandonment can lead to self hate if the individual left behind decides it was all their fault. Of course, when any relationship ends, it is good to assess what went wrong and where you might want to change your choices of actions and words for the future. However, to pour on yourself a heap of hatred and full-blame, is never healthy.

With the dangerous emotion of abandonment, I’m going back to dogs. Learning to trust again can happen in spite of abandonment with the help of therapy. Remember, a good counselor can help or good friends to help one process the loss. I remember at the end of my first marriage someone saying to me. “Just because he couldn’t love you, doesn’t mean you’re not loveable.” All these years later I remember those powerful words. Eventually, I found someone who loved me just as I was, imperfect but perfect for him. I was (and continue to be) blessed with constant reminders of how much I’m loved. Trust was easy to build and he’s needed some of those same messages from me.

The words from the Old Testament, in Deuteronomy 31:6 should offer comfort to anyone who has experienced abandonment. “Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them. For it is the Lord your God who goes with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. (HCSB)” God will never abandon those who trust in Him.

The dangerousness in the emotion of abandonment is when the person fails to process and learn from the end of a relationship and develop a wisdom with whom to trust in the future. That can take time. I would also suggest that if you do need to end a relationship, even if the person has been horrible, it is better to let them know in some way, even if it needs to be by text or email if they are toxic, than to just ghost them.

How have you coped with the dangerous emotion of abandondment or where have you seen it leave deep wounds?

Minnie’s Remarks: Lillian’s Last Christmas (Book Review)

Nov8
Reading Time: 2 minutes

It’s Minnie again. I’m glad Mom is giving me an opportunity here. Karen Malley’s latest Christmas novella, Lillian’s Last Christmas, could sound like a downer, but if you knew this Christmas would be your last, how would you celebrate it? The way that Lillian does has an impact that goes far beyond the grave.

Lillian hasn’t seen her college friends for some time but they had such wonderful memories together and had stayed connected through the years of life and hardships. Unfortunately, Lillian is facing the biggest of those but it is one that brings her peace and joy and she wants her friends to experience that as well. So she invites them to her home to celebrate Christmas with her.

When her four friends arrive she shares her sad news along with the joy that comes from Jesus and Christmas and her desire to experience that with them all. Her friends react in shock and dismay but decided to make this the best Christmas ever by celebrating major holidays she’ll miss next year, including her birthday. Each bring gifts and distinct personalities to the fun and their friendship grows stronger as they celebrate life, and a looming death.

Will Lillian get the dearest wish of her heart to see her four closest friends come to know the peace that can only be found in Jesus? You’ll have to read it to find out. If Lillian gets her wish, the party will someday continue in heaven which sounds like a wonderful Christmas gift to all.

I give this story five bones. Please pick up Karen Malley’s unique Christmas story, Lillian’s Last Christmas. It might challenge you to more purposeful as you  go through the upcoming holiday season. Oh, and leave a nice review after you’ve read it. It helps out an author a lot!

 

 

 

Spatzle Speaks: Rust (Book Review)

Mar22
Reading Time: 2 minutes

When I discovered Corbin Bernsen wrote a novel, Rust, published by Pelican Book Group, my mom decided she wanted to read it and I am thrilled that she did because it’s hard to for her to relax and I got more snuggles.

Rust is based on a movie by the same name and she’s waiting to see the movie as she absorbs the beautiful words that were penned by the famed actor.

This is an inspirational novel regarding a crisis of faith in the life of a former pastor, James Moore. When he discovers his childhood friend, Travis, has been implicated in starting a fire that killed a family of four. Travis has some emotional/mental differences from the rest of the town, and had been James’s best friend as a child.

Coming home forces James to deal with not only the wounds in his soul, but his family and the entire town. A pastor’s heart is tugged repeatedly by the pain of those around him as he struggles to believe in a God that has seemingly stopped communicating with him. The pastor is turned detective as he believes his childhood friend could never have committed the crime he’s being convicted of.

With the complexity of heart and soul-searching in the character of James Moore, and the complications of relationships from the past make investigating a deadly arson of a family he’d never met a challenge. Written only from the perspective of James Moore the author digs deep into the angst of spiritual and emotional unrest with well-written clarity that makes this novel hard to put down and increases my mom’s respect for an actor she already admired. The book taps into the struggle many Christian’s struggle with not always hearing God’s clear voice when struggling with faith.

This book is a well-written, compelling tale and highly recommended. I give it five bones because I’m a dog, and I don’t have thumbs.

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that’s how we roll.

 

Spatzle Speaks: Forgiving Tess (Book Review)

Feb1
Reading Time: 3 minutes

I adored Kimberly Miller’s debut novel Picking Daisy so I fully expected to enjoy her second book, Forgiving Tess. I was not disappointed!

Kimberly Miller takes the concept of just how far we extend forgiveness and how do we know someone truly has repented and put away the sins of the past. Even for Christians, it can be far too easy to judge someone based on their past than it is to accept their attempts to live a new, godly life, in the here and now.

Tess Carson is one of those characters who has made a mess of her life and is working hard to make it all right. Foolish choices, childish rebellion, a turning away from her family and her faith have made it hard to find restoration. Thankfully her uncle believes in her, perhaps even more than she does. But even he can only go so far to help her.

On a mission trip arranged by her uncle, she runs into her childhood crush. The man she declared for years as a teenager that she would marry. But putting away childish things and a wall of bad decisions destroy any possibility of a romance with the handsome young man who is now the youth pastor at the church where she’s serving.

And she’s still just as attracted to him, and his dimples, as she was as a silly teenager. While she share’s she has a past, she’s afraid to tell him details.

Josh Thorne is the son of missionaries and the best time of his life was when he lived in the town where Tess and her brother, his best friend, were. To him, that was home. Meeting Tess again and finding she was all grown up was a shock. He’s confident that there is nothing in her past that could keep him from pursuing her but he has difficulty convincing Tess of just how loveable she is… by him, her family, and God.

Her past won’t stay buried for long and there is a rocky road to romance for these two as Tess’s past threatens all of the dreams Josh has for his (and their) future together. Can they overcome? When, if ever, will those hypocrites, who cast stones, see that she really has changed?

Will Tess understand true forgiveness before it’s too late or will she lose everything? Including Josh?

This book explores so many levels of healing, growth, forgiveness and the tangled relationships that result from sin and the difficult path to full redemption and restoration, not only within the church but also within Tess herself. I strongly recommend this book. My mom loved it and couldn’t put it down, which meant more snuggle time by her side. Plus, I’d love to bark and chase after that motorcycle in the story. For that reason, I’m giving it 5 bones, because I’m a dog and I don’t have thumbs.

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that’s how we roll.

Spatzle Speaks: The Mystery of the Disappearing Moonlight (Book Review)

Dec8
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Dale McElhinney returns with a second mid-grade novel, The Mystery of the Disappearing Moonlight

When twelve-year-old Katie and her friend Molly arrive at summer camp, the last thing they expect is to be plagued by some teenage boys. The long for the fun of campfire stories, adventures and horseback rides. But when Katie sees a white horse running in the dark of night she names him Moonlight. Only no one seems to know where this horse is and everyone else doubts it even exists. With boys plaguing her and the vanity of some of her cabin-mates challenging her ability to love people right where they are, God seems to have a lot of work to do in Katie’s heart.

While searching for the elusive horse they encounter challenges and danger, and lessons on what it really means to live for God.

This is a high-spirited adventure for girls and boys alike, especially horse lovers! Dale McElhinney has outdone himself with this mystery to appeal anyone who loves a great mystery – regardless of age. I give this book five bones, because I’m a dog and I don’t have thumbs.

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that’s how we roll.

Spatzle Speaks: Bratwurst & Bridges (Book Review)

Jul28
Reading Time: 2 minutes

My mom loves to write books and she write the rough draft of this one two years ago. She even asked for prayer for when she wrote it. I had to bark to get her attention so make sure I could get outside. Bratwurst & Bridges was a consuming story.

What surprises me is how much of my mom is in this story – her heart. I don’t think she even realized just how much of her is in there. But as her dog, I know.

Pastor Dan’s wife died, and along with losing his best friend, and partner in life, he lost his chance to be a father. His wife had and he had lost several babies due to miscarriages and they had just begun to consider adoption. But now she was gone. A year later, he still grieved but had buried himself in ministry. Finally his boss, Senior Pastor Andrew, forced Dan on a leave of absence to get help and focus on his grief.

It’s not easy for a helper to get help. It takes courage. Could Dan do this? Or would he quit and walk away from ministry?

He’d sold his house and associated memories and moved into a new apartment. A single mom with two rambunctious children lives across the hall. Skye knows about God but doesn’t believe He would be interested in her, but since the handsome pastor has moved across the hall, she finds that her art has changed and she starts to ask him questions.

Zumba, skiing and true love? Can a single mom help a grieving pastor heal? Guess you’ll have to read it to find out! I give it five bones because it’s an awesome story and the way she weaves grief and new life and love together is wonderful. Not that I’m biased because the author is my mom…

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that’s how we roll.

Spatzle Speaks: Alone (Book Review)

Nov4
Reading Time: 2 minutes

aloneAn exciting futuristic novel just released from Edie Melson. Alone is her debut novel although she has written non-fiction.

Bethany is a slave and is fortunate to be alive as Seekers are considered lowly for their belief in God. Her family was murdered and her planet is dying. She is about to be at the end of her rope when the planet is invaded. They claim to be there to save Seekers, but can she believe it’s true? Does she trust these people who teach her about faith and give her every comfort? When an old friend tries to help her escape she becomes even more confused.

What few understand, is that she alone has the key to save the planet’s ecosystem. Josiah saved her life at the start of the invasion and when push comes to shove she sacrifices herself to save the invaders she’s come to care for. But can they save her before it’s too late?

Edie writes with passion and her characters and the world she creates jumps off the page for the reader to embrace. This was an excellent novel and my mom really enjoyed reading it. Because of that and how cool this story is I give it five bones, because I’m a dog. That’s what I do.

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that's how we roll.

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that’s how we roll.

 

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