Tag Archive | guilt

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Shame

Feb2
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Shame

I am being quite daring to write a short post on something as vast and researched as shame. Brene Brown has made her career researching this topic. However, while shame may seem a negative emotion, there is, like all emotions, a good and bad side.

Shame has a good side? Well, shame was built into us from the moment sin entered into the world. It wasn’t there before then. Adam and Eve walked naked in the garden and there was no shame. The moment they sinned against God’s rule not to eat the fruit of one tree—shame overcame them. They were naked. Scriptures says they “knew” they were naked. Nothing had else had changed. Being naked didn’t impact them in any way before that. However, the nakedness now was an exposure of their sin so they thought to cover themselves. Guilt, yes. Shame—big time.

Many cultures and families use shame as a weapon to affect good behavior, but shame is not about guilt. Shame is about not being good enough. It is about being defective to the core of your being.

Shame can help a young child learn to wear clothing and that shame can keep that child from exposing themselves. Obviously, that doesn’t work for every person, or we wouldn’t have the sins we see in the world around us.

The feeling of shame and worthlessness, however, is often something that is underlying addictions, workaholism, even perfectionism. There can be a drive within us to prove we are worthy and acceptable. But shame leaks out when we least expect it.

The reality is, due to the inherent sin nature that has been part of every birth, with the exception of Jesus Christ, we are covered in shame and unworthiness on our own. Yes, every individual is created in the image of God but that doesn’t mean the shame doesn’t stain their souls.

It is when we accept that gift of salvation in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ that we can find freedom from shame. Our worth, our value, comes in belonging to Christ.

Just as a prince or princess stands taller and walks with purpose and not shame, because of their position, we too, as heirs of Christ and walk that way.  Romans 8:16-17 says: “The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.”

Now, like guilt there are those that don’t experience shame and that is a sad thing indeed. Sometimes we need to experience this to realize how much we need our Savior!

I believe many people struggle with shame and it can have a devastating consequence. If someone drinks to drown the shame, or takes drugs, or works all the time so they don’t have to face their inner life… Shame colors us all.

Shame can also lead to victimhood which can paralyze someone from being all they could be and living a full life of freedom in Christ. If I’m always a victim and unworthy, less is required of me, right? But God calls us all to freedom in Him.

I suspect that the majority of us fight shame in some way or another when it tries to tell us we are not good enough to be loved, or do a particular task, or even follow where God might lead. On our own, we aren’t! The reality is we all need Jesus to do anything the Holy Spirit is leading us to. If there is no shame, there is no need for the powerful work of Christ in and through us.

I suspect confessing areas of shame here might be too personal, but how do you combat the dangerous emotion of shame? Have you come across resources that have helped you? Please share!

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Regret

Jan27
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Regret

Regret is akin to guilt although it is self-reflective. We are looking at the past and proclaiming guilty judgement over things we did or didn’t do.

I had people ask me if I regretted marrying my first husband. While I sometimes feel shame (that’s next week) for the immature neediness that led me to that decision, I cannot regret it. Why? Because if I regretted it, I wouldn’t have my four children (one is in heaven). While raising children is hard, and a difficult marriage is painful, there was a lot of growth that took place in me emotionally and spiritually as I sought God and help from a wise counselor. I wouldn’t be able to write or encourage people the way I do if I hadn’t walked that path.

Regret can be a test before making a decision. However, it is hard to forecast what you might think and feel about a decision or choice years in the future. For instance, when marrying the sweet husband I have now: “If I have sex before marriage, would I regret it?” For me, the answer was “Yes.” In hindsight, I am doubly grateful we waited. It was not easy. I think if I had answered that differently, I would have regretted it.

Regrets can be good if it helps us make amends or seek to reconcile relationships that may have been cut off, even if not by ourselves.

When I start to feel regret that I remind myself that I did the best I could with what I knew and all along I was seeking God. He works things together for HIS good and in His perfect timing. I could feel sad about things that happened, and that is good and right to do. There are things to grieve (a post for another week). I do not need to regret following God through those difficult years because He never abandoned me.

Trying to live a life without regrets can become an idol if we put that ahead of what God is calling us to do which might involve taking risks, or making decisions that might be counterintuitive to those around us (but not sin!). There’s a bit of a tightrope there, isn’t there?

I hope that when I am old I can look back and not have regret because my focus won’t be on mistakes I made, that God used in spite of my failures, but that I will look back and see His fingerprint throughout my life and find comfort in realizing He understood all along who I was then, who I am now, and who I will be when I am face to face with Him. There will be no regrets then, but perfect peace.

Do you hold on to regrets? What helps you let go of the dangerous emotion of regret?

Next week I’ll wade into the dangerous emotion of shame.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Guilt

Jan20
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Guilt

Are you seeing a trend here yet with these emotions? Any emotion can become a negative in some way when taken to an extreme and not brought under the truths of Scripture. My assertion that Jesus is the first cognitive behavioral therapist still stands. Long before this was coined as a psychological theory Scripture is replete with this.

Let’s take guilt. At first, I didn’t see this as such a dangerous emotion, but hear me out.

On the surface, when a person’s mind is working well, guilt is the emotion that tells us that we have sinned. Psalm 32:5 states: “I acknowledged my sin to You, And I did not hide my guilt; I said, “I will confess my wrongdoings to the Lord”; And You forgave the guilt of my sin.”

God has built into us the ability to recognize we have done wrong. We feel bad. That’s the uncomfortable part about this emotion but it is truly important, because when we feel bad and realize we did something wrong, we apologize to God (and maybe an offended party) and receive His forgiveness when we have accepted the free gift of salvation from our sin at the cross where Jesus died. I’m not going to go into the theology of sin here but that is usually when we feel guilt—when we have sinned or perhaps accidently hurt someone’s feelings. Sin isn’t always intentional or done willfully. Often, we sin without directly thinking about it.

Guilt might show up as cognitive dissonance. We say one thing and do another and there is mental and even emotional conflict that begs to be resolved. To have integrity we mentally need to live out what we say and believe.

So how does guilt become dangerous? There are four ways that I can think of:

  • When we experience guilt when we didn’t do anything wrong. We cannot take on the burden of someone else’s choices. That is enmeshment and damaging to self and relationships.
  • When we hold on to guilt even after confessing and apologizing for it. Remember yes, continually beat yourself up? Not good.
    • Now restitution might remind you of your guilt, but it doesn’t need to be carried forever. This might be harder to do depending on the sin.
    • Addictions, adultery, murder, or even an accidental death you might have been involved in, can be difficult to recover from and even create trauma that needs professional help to resolve.
    • Burying guilt can create health problems as well.
    • God forgives us, so we should walk in that freedom. Not as perfect or as if it never happened, but as a person who grows through this.
  • Lying and shifting blame for things.
    • Some avoid guilt by blaming others for anything that goes wrong. This is a cognitive issue and that person is essentially lying to themselves to protect them from the truth that they failed in some way.
    • They cannot grow or improve if they refuse to acknowledge their own guilt.
  • When a person never experiences the emotion of guilt and have no awareness of their wrongdoing.
    • This might be due to a variety of mental illnesses, the most notable: a sociopath or someone with antisocial, borderline, or narcissistic personality disorder or possibly some other brain dysfunction.
    • These people are not always dangerous, but they may not be safe people to be around often. They might parrot an apology, but they won’t truly believe they erred and won’t experience any guilt. Behavior won’t change.
    • This is an issue that cannot be resolved through medicine or even great psychotherapy in most instances.
    • The sad effect of rampant sin in our world impacts the way our brains develop and with the toxic environments (emotionally, relationally and physically) that someone might have grown up in.
    • Are these people irredeemable? No. I wouldn’t put it past God to do a mighty work and heal that numbed part of the brain and thinking process, but I also wouldn’t assume it will happen.

Guilt is good even if it feels bad to experience it. The great thing for most people is that when we acknowledge our guilt and seek forgiveness, God is willing to give that to us (even if another human being might not). Acknowledging you have an issue if the sin is a persistent issue, can help a person start to see patterns for that sin so that it might be broken. Anything else can pile guilt on guilt (sin upon sin) which can only be damaging to the body, mind, and soul.

A scripture to cling to is Romans 8:1: Therefore, there is now no condemnation at all for those who are in Christ Jesus.

On a side note but important: When we hold on to sin and refuse to confess our guilt and repent (change our ways) we are, according to Scripture, grieving the Holy Spirit. Eph 4:30-32  Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Sin and unrepentance grieve God. Guilt is the emotion He gives to help us recognize we’ve wronged not only others, but a Holy God.

Daily confession (in prayer) can be a good way to acknowledge and own our failures before God to move forward with a clean slate by His grace. Something I don’t do often enough. The dangerous emotion of guilt can be tricky. How do you deal with guilt?

Next week: The Dangerous Emotion of Regret.

Spatzle Speaks: Sparks of Love (Book Review)

Oct21
Reading Time: 2 minutes

sparks-of-loveSpatzle the Maltese here (in case you’re new to my reviews). Sparks of Love is a novel of love and faith by Mary Ball.

Once upon a time, a young adult was accused of a crime. She left her past and her faith behind when her small town continued to judge her in spite of her innocence. Her father calls to let her know he found proof that would clear her name. He’s interrupted before he can share the news.

Her father dies before he can do so and Lynette Cunningham is forced to return to settle the estate and decide what to do next in her life. An old friendship is resurrected and a local pastor has his sights set on her. She’s determined to get through all the stuff her father saved and hopefully find the proof of her innocence her father mentioned. A series of accidents begin to make the process difficult.

The handsome young pastor also challenges her buried faith as she digs up memories. As love grows danger increases. Lynette is challenged to rethink much of what she thought she knew about her old life.

This is a book of grief and broken trust that is restored through faith and friendship. A compelling journey and a worthy read. I give it five bones because I’m a dog. I don’t do stars.

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that's how we roll.

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that’s how we roll.

 

5 bones for blog

Healing Grace (Book Review)

Apr19
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Lisa LIckelI’ve read and reviewed several books by my friend, author Lisa Lickel, so when she asked about a re-do of a previous book, I jumped at the chance. Once I started reading Healing Grace though I quickly realized that this book was different from the rest. It’s not a mystery. It’s not necessarily a romance. What it is, is spellbinding as it drew me in and I couldn’t be satisfied until I got to the last page (which means yes, I read it all in one day).

Grace Runyon has faced overwhelming losses and burdened with guilt over the last of them, the death of her husband to cancer, she runs away from her Tennessee town to a tiny place in Michigan. Grace has known from a young age that she had a spiritual gift of healing, but it had not saved her husband. While no one else blames her for his death, she cannot forgive herself and struggles with God, the giver of the gift, who had withheld it’s power.

Impulsively buying a little cottage home, she ends up neighbors to the Marshalls and faced again with the need to heal as Ted is suffering from an unnamed illness that is debilitating and will eventually kill. She falls in love with Ted through his son Eddy, a little boy who captures her heart but also stirs the grief of the little boy she had lost herself due to a car accident.

Healing-Grace200x300[1]Grace decides to re-enter the work world as a physician’s assistant and at times finds her gift of healing being exercised in secret at the clinic to help her patients. This comes at a cost however. Some healings cause her deep emotional and physical pain that mirrors her patient’s agony, although recovery is quick. Soon many in the town question whether she is a witch, although her gift has never brought harm. Coupled with her perceived failure in her past, self-doubts arise and Grace faces a crisis that tears apart her soul.

I don’t want to be a spoiler for the story. It is a worthy read and one I hope to read again. Lisa’s dives into a minefield of emotions as well as the theological minefield of spiritual gifts since some schools of thought believe certain gifts like healing are not for this age. I disagree. I was impressed by her balanced view of spiritual gifts. Gifts are from God. They are used for the church (body of believers) and they are not used at our will, but His.

Gifts sometimes come with a cost as we serve and pour ourselves out as an act of worship. Grace illustrates that powerfully.  The final scene of the book is riveting. You can disagree if you want about the dispensation of gifts but let’s be clear, nothing Lisa writes indicates a “psychic” or “satanic” power at work. Is it real? It’s fiction,  but I wouldn’t put it past God to work in the way she describes.  For this I applaud her because she masterfully illustrated biblical truths: like love requiring sacrifice and the challenge believers all have to set aside self and pride, and even the desire for the love and affirmation of others, in order to be used.

I’ve enjoyed all of Lisa Lickel’s novels that I have had the privilege to read. Healing Grace, however, is by far the best of them all.