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Author Confessions: The Dangerous Moral High Ground

Feb24
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Moral High Ground

My husband and I have been slowly watching Midsummer Murders and it has become a competition to guess correctly just “who did it.” At the end of Season 15, Episode 1 “The Dagger Club,” I was struck by a line uttered toward the end when the character Audrey Braylesford, played by Una Stubbs, justifies a decision because, “The view is better from the moral high ground.” That might not be an exact quote but it’s close.

At first I thought, “Wow, how generous for her not take what was rightfully hers, even if it was won by nefarious means.” The more I mull it over I think many of us struggle because we want to be on the moral high ground. It sounds like a great position to be in, doesn’t it?

We see this in politics especially, not just the politicians but those who support them. Each side thinks they are morally superior for taking the stance they do. Sometimes those positions are against the other side based on faulty facts or misguided perceived virtues. They would look at my position from the same angle, I’m sure.

I’m not going to go into any of that specifically because I do not want to start a war here. While I have some firmly head beliefs, I can understand why someone would hold an opposing view given that they may not have the same starting point or value system. That’s understandable. It also means that I need to own that I could be wrong and need to be open to looking at a subject from all angles.

Claiming the moral high ground is dangerous because it elevates us above others. It gives us importance. It is a superiority stance that happens not only in politics, but in divorces, church splits, and in the dissolving of friendships. It can be used as a weapon to get others to obey and agree with a plan of action or position.

The moral high ground, while it seems benign, is quite dangerous. Personally I don’t like heights. Not heights particularly, but the fall from them scares me, and that should be the case here as well. The moral high ground sets someone up for a fall. Why?

Underlying the moral high ground is pride. The snake in the garden weilded the moral high ground over Adam and Eve, tricking them into disobeying God’s one boundary on paradise: Not to eat from the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The end result was rampant sin that impacted all of creation as well as the first death among many.

There is danger in the moral high ground because it sounds so good, but it can be filled with subtle lies that deceive. Once exposed, it can lead to devestation. A fall.

The dangerous moral high ground has no positive attributes. It might feel satisfying to claim that hill. Dying on it might not be quite what one expects.

What is the alternative? A posture of humility. I may seek to live a moral life but I recognize that I myself am often a hypocrite, even if only in my thoughts. I might say or even realize that one course of action or piece of knowledge is beneficial and then do the opposite.

Pride can lead to hedonism. Making one’s own happiness and success an idol to pursue. It is worship of self in many cases. Taking the moral high ground is putting one’s needs above everyone else’s. The moral high ground can be used as a weapon, even subtly.

This is opposite of a relationship with Jesus. He met the woman at the well, and didn’t condemn her. He could have taken the moral high ground. He is after all King of kings and LORD of lords. He didn’t. He chose compassion and went to the heart of her deepest need. He didn’t give her any advice she didn’t ask for and never addressed her sin other than stating that He knew the details, but again without condemnation. At least I assume that to be true since she eagerly told everyone about Him. Obviously, tone of voice is not discernable in the Bible. Same was true with the adulterous woman brought to be stoned. In John 8:7, Jesus tells all these men, “The one without sin among you should be the first to throw a stone at her.” He could have asked where the man was whom she was in bed with. According to the law both were to be stoned. He didn’t. The men disappeared. Jesus asked her if anyone had condemned her. No one. “Neither do I condemn you,” said Jesus. “Go, and from now on do not sin anymore.” Compassion instead of condemnation. Quite the revelation, isn’t it? 

Where do you cling to the moral high ground? I think the reason that line in a television show struck me is because it was unexpected from that character. A well-written line is also something I admire as an author. However, I’m kind of glad it stuck with me so I could take a closer look at it.

The moral high ground would be the equivalent of the “high places” mentioned over 60 times in the Old Testament of the Bible. It is an idol and detracts from worshipping God. My faith is not a strict line of rules and regulations as it was in the Old Testament. It is a relationship. My decisions and choices should be the result not of how great I am but how much I desperately need Jesus. Clinging to the moral high ground must grieve the Holy Spirit since we as humans can make our positions more important than our relationships, especially the one we have with Jesus.

I can still have my convictions but I need to recognize that some of them are preferences.

The question is this. Is it a salvation issue? If not then it doesn’t matter what clothing you wear to church, or how long or short your hair is for a man or woman, or what style of worship music you listen to. It is amazing how we can cling to minor issues and make them bigger than they really are. We are to look beyond the outward appearance just as Samuel did when choosing, at God’s leading, David to be the king of Israel. Or Jesus at the well with the Samaritan woman. Her past sins did not define her value as someone who Jesus loved and cared about because she was made in the image of God.

The ground is level at the foot of the cross. Jesus died on a hill but everyone standing under that cross was on level ground as we are all sinful from birth. His truly perfect moral high ground came a deadly cost to save us from our sins. Everyone around us is there figuratively at the foot of that cross and if we are too high up our own moral hill, we cannot lead them there as our fellow human beings. It is fine to have a firmly held conviction, especially if that’s what God leads you to, and it doesn’t violate Scripture. It is not good to expect everyone to agree with it.

What do you think about the moral high ground? Has any of this struck a cord? I suspect it is something we all struggle with at some level and need to repent of. I pray God can keep us from the dangerous moral high ground and focus instead on Jesus so that His Holy Spirit can freely lead and guide us on the unique path He has for each of us.

 

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Grief

Feb17
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Grief

I mentioned last week in my post on the dangerous emotion of love that those who love deeply, feeling a depth of affection for someone, grieve deeply.

Grief, as opposed to love, is that not so good feeling that can weigh us down. It can combine regrets, anger, and even in some cases relief.

Relief? When there is a long illness and a lot of medical issues, doctor appointments, bills, or difficult decisions, then the end of those challenges along with the end of the suffering of a person we love, can result in relief. We still grieve as we miss them terribly but then wishing them to remain while in such depths of suffering is ultimately selfish, isn’t it? Not that we want to hasten death, but when it finally comes it is almost a welcome end for that individual who has suffered. And for those who suffered alongside them.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross defined five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are not necessarily linear going in order, nor do they have a time frame. The dangerous part is when someone gets stuck in the first four parts. Even with acceptance there is sorrow, sometimes deep gut-wrenching sorrow, but the individual can resume life without that person even though they will forever be missed and remembered. If you or someone you know is struggling with grief,  Grief Share is a powerful  ministry that helps people process their grief and loss so that they can move forward in life.

We can grieve more than just the death of an individual whether it be a spouse, child, grandparent, friend… We can grieve lost dreams, a pet, our health, a home, a break-up of a relationship that was dear to us, painful trauma from the past, the loss of innocence, and even our own sin. 2 Corinthians 7:10 states: “For godly grief produces a repentance not to be regretted and leading to salvation, but worldly grief produces death.”

Grief is a healthy emotion when we allow ourselves to express that through tears and talking about memories or regrets. It becomes dangerous when we try to numb the grief with alcohol, drugs, food, or sex, or perhaps something else. They are only temporary bandaids. Grief might expose other issues that need to be deal with like family-of-origin issues, abandonment, and coming to terms with our own mortality.

Grief can be held on to almost as a comfort as one might forget the person lost, or fear they will be dishonoring them by moving on with life. Choosing to be a victim of grief can be deblitating socially as well as emotionally, especially if the person was perhaps co-dependent on the one now gone. It can deeply wound a sense of identity and that may require counseling to wrestle through and define a new way of moving forward in life.

Grief can be dangerous when accompanied by trauma as well. Again, therpy, especially trauma-based therapy, might prove helpful.

Grief is complex and I am only giving a cursory glance at it here. If it is something you or someone you know are struggling with, get connected wtih Grief Share or a therapist who can help you move forward.

Those who have faith in Jesus will still grieve. Even Jesus wept at Lazarus’s grave, but was that for Lazarus or for those surrounding him who were grieving because they failed to see the Savior in their midst? 1 Thessalonians 4:13 states: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope.”

Whether we lose a person, a relationship or anything else, if we get stuck in grief we are failing to look to the Creator and Sustainer of life Who is always orchestrating everything according to His perfect will. Our suffering is temporary and no loss is without a greater purpose in His plans for us. 2 Corinthians 1:4 states: “He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” Now I confess that when I was in deeply painful situation that verse did not offer me comfort. Having said that, I have seen God use others and myself move past grief to purpose and multiple opportunities to be there to support others as they go through suffering.

Grief is a healthy emotion when expressed and worked through, often with some help and comfort from others. There is hope for those who walk with Jesus as the Holy Spirit is a comforter to us in our sorrows. The dangerous emotion of grief occurs when an individual gets stuck there, stuffs their emotions down, or self-medicates to forget. How have you dealt with grief? Have you struggled with this? What helped you most?

I explored the dangerous emotion of grief in my book Bratwurst and Bridges. 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Love

Feb10
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Love

I suppose I should first address the big issue: is love even an emotion? According to Google AI it is. Strong affection at the least but in many ways, love is more a verb, it involves acting, regardless of feelings. So we will consider it as an emotion, and given that Valentine’s Day is this week, I figured it was a good time to ponder this topic. I guess as an author who writes romance, this probably should have been the first emotion I tackled, oh well!

Love is that feel good emotion, so how could that be dangerous? Well, when strong feelings of love are not reciprocated, it could result in the person becoming obsessed with trying to make someone love them. That kind of love is idolatry and coveting, both sins God instructed us to avoid.

In 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, there is an interesting guidepost to true love which was exemplified in Jesus.

Love is patient, love is kind.
Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited,
does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked,
and does not keep a record of wrongs.
Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

Now many of us cannot honestly say we are perfect at this love thing. Strong affection though, when it is truly love, should be a model of Jesus to the object of love. That’s why a man and a woman, two distinct individuals from different backgrounds, jobs, temperaments, giftedness, traumas, successes, growth in faith, preferences…. you get the drift — will commit to loving their spouse for a lifetime. While love may be an emotion and can be directed at a spouse, a child, a friend, other family members, or in some cases even food or a movie…it involves action. Sometimes in spite of emotion.

A quick note about romance and love in fiction. I write romance. As a genre the requirement is a happily-ever-after ending. I am aware that life is full of challenges but when writing that kind of story the goal is to leave people with a happy feeling. Other authors, Nicolas Sparks for instance, since many know his work, doesn’t write romance. He writes love stories which inevitably involve loss and tears at some point. Granted, true life is filled with highs and lows…as far as fiction goes, it is where you end the story.

So what do we have with Jesus? We have the happily-ever-after, although if the story had ended at the crucifixion – it would have only been a love story of epic proportions. We get the happily-ever-after ending with Him in heaven regardless of how we depart this planet. Unless you reject Jesus, then your story ends in tragedy.

Love is hard. When one loves deeply, one grieves deeply. Love is also involved in attachment so it makes sense that one can love a dog, or a home, or a great book. We have a fondness, tenderness, and warmth toward something. We had a senior dog, Benji, who was with us for only eighteen months but he had issues we weren’t aware of when we adopted him that included: dementia, incontinence in the house, focal seizures, and an uninhibited bite response. He was so cute, soft, affectionate,and devoted to me. He was difficult to care for and make sure he didn’t bite anyone. When he unexpectedly bit me, that was the limit. A dog that bites is a liability. We had to be put him down. Part of me was relieved because he was such a pain in the neck in many ways, in spite of that sweet face and devotion. When we put him down, I was stoic, but later, I bawled. I kept looking for him everywhere. I loved him. I was patient, kind, and I bore with his idiosyncracies that come with adopting an old dog. I had invested in him and he had no idea that he even bit me or that it was wrong to do so. He sat there wagging his tail waiting for attention. Even writing this, years later, makes me want to cry and we’ve had to say good-bye to three other senior dogs since that time. Thinking about any of them will make me miss them and sad that we had to make that decision.

This is even harder with a person who is ailing. Dementia, birth defects, trajedies can change our lives and the emotion of love is not longer in control. Yes, we feel affection but it can be at war with despair, depression, and physical fatigue. Yet those who truly love, care for that person regardles of those issues, even when it is hard, hurts, and creates a burden or inconvenience.

See how complicated love is? True love lasts beyond the emotion. Sometimes acting loving can help us get back there to the feeling.

Both my husband and I came from verbally abusive first marriages and it left us wondering how well we could love another person after all of that. We obviously had the affection part down but we were old enough to know that emotions are fickle. “Do I even know how to love?” he asked me a few times. Yes, he does. He shows it to me not only in words but deeds. He provides a secure home for me, he treats me kindly, sometimes buys flowers for me “just because.” He cares about what concerns me.  He’s the one who graciously has agreed to adopt those old dogs even though their deaths wounded our souls deeply. Now we have younger dogs so hopefully we don’t have to make those kinds of decisions for a long time.

So how could love be dangerous? It can be dangerous if we are loving someone who is abusive and refuses to get help, or change. People with certain mental illnesses need love (don’t we all?) but would never make a good partner due to their illness. Love needs boundaries because we should have some affection for ourselves as well.

Boundaries are why we train our children not to run into the road without looking both ways among many other lessons. Love encourages the best of someone else but that does not mean approving or accepting abuse or sin. We will get angry with anyone we have a long term relationship with, however, it isn’t abuse if there is honest sharing of emotions. It is abuse when there is belittling, name-calling, contempt, bitterness, and put-downs.

Love without boundaries is dangerous and not really love. We should never blankly accept the terrible things someone might try to do to us. When my dad was on hospice, struggling mentally after having an extremely rare brain tumor removed, he could at times be mean. It had to be frustrating to him to not understand all that was happening or even recognize the people trying to care for him, even if they were his children. One day he got a bit snippy with my mom and she told him he needed to behave. He never acted out that way again. If he gave me any trouble, I would tell him mom would be angry and he’d comply with the plan. Once in a moment of clarity toward the end, he even thanked my mom for taking good care of him.

I love my dad and writing that made me cry. That’s love. I still have deep affection for a man who no longer walks on this earth. I admire the love my mom showed him by her actions even when it was a huge sacrifice.

Love as an emotion is dangerous when someone decides they no longer love someone anymore because they don’t feel that way. We can’t always let emotions be the litmus test for a relationship. I had a difficult time with two of my three kids as they grew up, and I still loved them during that time when they were not very loveable. Babies are cute and snuggly and easy to love, but some parents have to love one who cries all night and day, or won’t sleep, or has serious medical issues that sap every ounce of life from them. Love can and should prevail because it is almost as close to life as anything else during those times.

I’ve rambled here and it’s tugged my heartstrings so I suppose next week I’ll talk about grief.

Something else to think about though. God loves us and created you and me. Even when we wouldn’t acknowledge Him, Jesus died on the cross to bridge the gap of sin that seperated us from a holy and perfect LORD. “For God so loved the world…” I’m reading in the Old Testament right now and God’s longsuffering toward the nation of Israel is amazing to behold. He loved them even when He needed to allow, or force, negative consequences for their sins. God loved with boundaries, but His devotion never failed because LOVE never ends.

1 John 14 states: We love because He first loved us. When we are connected to the ultimate source of love, it becomes easier to love others.

The dangerous emotion of love is a deep subject and I’ve only scratched the surface. Remember that God’s love is better than any human love and should be the ONE we seek to love first before anyone or anything else. That’s hard for us fickle emotional humans to do.

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Shame

Feb2
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Shame

I am being quite daring to write a short post on something as vast and researched as shame. Brene Brown has made her career researching this topic. However, while shame may seem a negative emotion, there is, like all emotions, a good and bad side.

Shame has a good side? Well, shame was built into us from the moment sin entered into the world. It wasn’t there before then. Adam and Eve walked naked in the garden and there was no shame. The moment they sinned against God’s rule not to eat the fruit of one tree—shame overcame them. They were naked. Scriptures says they “knew” they were naked. Nothing had else had changed. Being naked didn’t impact them in any way before that. However, the nakedness now was an exposure of their sin so they thought to cover themselves. Guilt, yes. Shame—big time.

Many cultures and families use shame as a weapon to affect good behavior, but shame is not about guilt. Shame is about not being good enough. It is about being defective to the core of your being.

Shame can help a young child learn to wear clothing and that shame can keep that child from exposing themselves. Obviously, that doesn’t work for every person, or we wouldn’t have the sins we see in the world around us.

The feeling of shame and worthlessness, however, is often something that is underlying addictions, workaholism, even perfectionism. There can be a drive within us to prove we are worthy and acceptable. But shame leaks out when we least expect it.

The reality is, due to the inherent sin nature that has been part of every birth, with the exception of Jesus Christ, we are covered in shame and unworthiness on our own. Yes, every individual is created in the image of God but that doesn’t mean the shame doesn’t stain their souls.

It is when we accept that gift of salvation in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ that we can find freedom from shame. Our worth, our value, comes in belonging to Christ.

Just as a prince or princess stands taller and walks with purpose and not shame, because of their position, we too, as heirs of Christ and walk that way.  Romans 8:16-17 says: “The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.”

Now, like guilt there are those that don’t experience shame and that is a sad thing indeed. Sometimes we need to experience this to realize how much we need our Savior!

I believe many people struggle with shame and it can have a devastating consequence. If someone drinks to drown the shame, or takes drugs, or works all the time so they don’t have to face their inner life… Shame colors us all.

Shame can also lead to victimhood which can paralyze someone from being all they could be and living a full life of freedom in Christ. If I’m always a victim and unworthy, less is required of me, right? But God calls us all to freedom in Him.

I suspect that the majority of us fight shame in some way or another when it tries to tell us we are not good enough to be loved, or do a particular task, or even follow where God might lead. On our own, we aren’t! The reality is we all need Jesus to do anything the Holy Spirit is leading us to. If there is no shame, there is no need for the powerful work of Christ in and through us.

I suspect confessing areas of shame here might be too personal, but how do you combat the dangerous emotion of shame? Have you come across resources that have helped you? Please share!

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Regret

Jan27
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Regret

Regret is akin to guilt although it is self-reflective. We are looking at the past and proclaiming guilty judgement over things we did or didn’t do.

I had people ask me if I regretted marrying my first husband. While I sometimes feel shame (that’s next week) for the immature neediness that led me to that decision, I cannot regret it. Why? Because if I regretted it, I wouldn’t have my four children (one is in heaven). While raising children is hard, and a difficult marriage is painful, there was a lot of growth that took place in me emotionally and spiritually as I sought God and help from a wise counselor. I wouldn’t be able to write or encourage people the way I do if I hadn’t walked that path.

Regret can be a test before making a decision. However, it is hard to forecast what you might think and feel about a decision or choice years in the future. For instance, when marrying the sweet husband I have now: “If I have sex before marriage, would I regret it?” For me, the answer was “Yes.” In hindsight, I am doubly grateful we waited. It was not easy. I think if I had answered that differently, I would have regretted it.

Regrets can be good if it helps us make amends or seek to reconcile relationships that may have been cut off, even if not by ourselves.

When I start to feel regret that I remind myself that I did the best I could with what I knew and all along I was seeking God. He works things together for HIS good and in His perfect timing. I could feel sad about things that happened, and that is good and right to do. There are things to grieve (a post for another week). I do not need to regret following God through those difficult years because He never abandoned me.

Trying to live a life without regrets can become an idol if we put that ahead of what God is calling us to do which might involve taking risks, or making decisions that might be counterintuitive to those around us (but not sin!). There’s a bit of a tightrope there, isn’t there?

I hope that when I am old I can look back and not have regret because my focus won’t be on mistakes I made, that God used in spite of my failures, but that I will look back and see His fingerprint throughout my life and find comfort in realizing He understood all along who I was then, who I am now, and who I will be when I am face to face with Him. There will be no regrets then, but perfect peace.

Do you hold on to regrets? What helps you let go of the dangerous emotion of regret?

Next week I’ll wade into the dangerous emotion of shame.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Guilt

Jan20
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Guilt

Are you seeing a trend here yet with these emotions? Any emotion can become a negative in some way when taken to an extreme and not brought under the truths of Scripture. My assertion that Jesus is the first cognitive behavioral therapist still stands. Long before this was coined as a psychological theory Scripture is replete with this.

Let’s take guilt. At first, I didn’t see this as such a dangerous emotion, but hear me out.

On the surface, when a person’s mind is working well, guilt is the emotion that tells us that we have sinned. Psalm 32:5 states: “I acknowledged my sin to You, And I did not hide my guilt; I said, “I will confess my wrongdoings to the Lord”; And You forgave the guilt of my sin.”

God has built into us the ability to recognize we have done wrong. We feel bad. That’s the uncomfortable part about this emotion but it is truly important, because when we feel bad and realize we did something wrong, we apologize to God (and maybe an offended party) and receive His forgiveness when we have accepted the free gift of salvation from our sin at the cross where Jesus died. I’m not going to go into the theology of sin here but that is usually when we feel guilt—when we have sinned or perhaps accidently hurt someone’s feelings. Sin isn’t always intentional or done willfully. Often, we sin without directly thinking about it.

Guilt might show up as cognitive dissonance. We say one thing and do another and there is mental and even emotional conflict that begs to be resolved. To have integrity we mentally need to live out what we say and believe.

So how does guilt become dangerous? There are four ways that I can think of:

  • When we experience guilt when we didn’t do anything wrong. We cannot take on the burden of someone else’s choices. That is enmeshment and damaging to self and relationships.
  • When we hold on to guilt even after confessing and apologizing for it. Remember yes, continually beat yourself up? Not good.
    • Now restitution might remind you of your guilt, but it doesn’t need to be carried forever. This might be harder to do depending on the sin.
    • Addictions, adultery, murder, or even an accidental death you might have been involved in, can be difficult to recover from and even create trauma that needs professional help to resolve.
    • Burying guilt can create health problems as well.
    • God forgives us, so we should walk in that freedom. Not as perfect or as if it never happened, but as a person who grows through this.
  • Lying and shifting blame for things.
    • Some avoid guilt by blaming others for anything that goes wrong. This is a cognitive issue and that person is essentially lying to themselves to protect them from the truth that they failed in some way.
    • They cannot grow or improve if they refuse to acknowledge their own guilt.
  • When a person never experiences the emotion of guilt and have no awareness of their wrongdoing.
    • This might be due to a variety of mental illnesses, the most notable: a sociopath or someone with antisocial, borderline, or narcissistic personality disorder or possibly some other brain dysfunction.
    • These people are not always dangerous, but they may not be safe people to be around often. They might parrot an apology, but they won’t truly believe they erred and won’t experience any guilt. Behavior won’t change.
    • This is an issue that cannot be resolved through medicine or even great psychotherapy in most instances.
    • The sad effect of rampant sin in our world impacts the way our brains develop and with the toxic environments (emotionally, relationally and physically) that someone might have grown up in.
    • Are these people irredeemable? No. I wouldn’t put it past God to do a mighty work and heal that numbed part of the brain and thinking process, but I also wouldn’t assume it will happen.

Guilt is good even if it feels bad to experience it. The great thing for most people is that when we acknowledge our guilt and seek forgiveness, God is willing to give that to us (even if another human being might not). Acknowledging you have an issue if the sin is a persistent issue, can help a person start to see patterns for that sin so that it might be broken. Anything else can pile guilt on guilt (sin upon sin) which can only be damaging to the body, mind, and soul.

A scripture to cling to is Romans 8:1: Therefore, there is now no condemnation at all for those who are in Christ Jesus.

On a side note but important: When we hold on to sin and refuse to confess our guilt and repent (change our ways) we are, according to Scripture, grieving the Holy Spirit. Eph 4:30-32  Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Sin and unrepentance grieve God. Guilt is the emotion He gives to help us recognize we’ve wronged not only others, but a Holy God.

Daily confession (in prayer) can be a good way to acknowledge and own our failures before God to move forward with a clean slate by His grace. Something I don’t do often enough. The dangerous emotion of guilt can be tricky. How do you deal with guilt?

Next week: The Dangerous Emotion of Regret.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Inadequacy (aka Imposter Syndrome)

Jan13
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Inadequacy (aka Imposter Syndrome)

I hadn’t heard of this until relatively recently. Imposter Syndrome is in reality feeling inadequate but it applies more to professional work. It is where someone feels like a fraud. Not good enough. Not worthy. Inadequate.

We’ve all experienced feelings of inadequacy at some point or another. Starting a new job, or perhaps that first job right out of college or in an internship. I felt totally inadequate to work as a therapist. I never got licensed so I never called myself a psychotherapist although I have counseled people and had the training. Maybe Imposter Syndrome kept me from pursuing that further? When I did counseling in my job it was while I was under supervision and getting my hours so I didn’t need the “title” or license to do the job. When I did it in women’s ministry, I definitely felt inadequate given the state of my private life.

When I served in leadership at my church and taught classes I experienced inadequacy for the same reason but since I was honest about my inadquacies and was encouraged to do the work, I soon lost that sense of being an imposter.

When  I first taught classes at writer’s conferences I was barely published myself so I was learning a lot as I prepared to teach. I learned and then was qualified to share that with others and since I was being paid I didn’t feel too inadequate.

Sometimes inadequacy is a minimalization of the gifts God has given and perhaps if there is a pendulum swing between that and prideful arrogance, then I think inadequacy is the lesser of the dangerous emotions and I probably will address that at some point.

If we are trusting God and following Him we are assured He will equip us for every task, even if we don’t feel adequate to handle it.  The apostle Paul experienced this. In 1 Corinthians 15:9-10 says: For I am the least of the apostles,  who am not fit to be called and apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by  the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me did not prove vain…”

Inadequacy can resolve to humility when we recognize that we are never perfect enough for the work God has called us to. Whether it is writing, preaching, counseling, teaching, parenting, running a business or any other job or task. When we lean on Him and are honest about what we don’t know, or that we are not an expert, we can avoid feeling like an imposter. If God calls us, then to stay mired in an emotion of inadequacy is denying the power of the Holy Spirit to use us as He sees fit.

Now that doesn’t mean there are not imposters out there. There are. I struggle to trust those who claim expertise in any area since that tends to exclude a teachable spirit which is essential to our lives. Not that I want to be corrected, that is never fun, but if I want to be good at anything God leads me to, then I should be open to correction and growing in that area. God doesn’t call us to a task and then expect us to not actually work at that task. He won’t do it for us but He will help us and equip us as we go.

This is why someone who has just come to Christ can zealously share the gospel without even having read the entire Bible much less attended seminary. He has enough for the task ahead. Even aspiring writers can encourage other writers with things they have learned.

I’ve taught on leadership but don’t claim to be a great leader or know everything about the subject. I’ve taught theology classes but don’t know everything there is to know about God and the study of God. I’ve taught on writing and editing but I still have so much to learn and have not mastered everything. In everything I’ve always admitted up front that I am fallible. I don’t know it all, but hopefully I know enough to help someone else on the path to learning about the subject. Now that doesn’t mean I won’t teach what I know with authority and confidence but doing that I don’t experience emotions of anxiety and inadequacy, nor pride. I can do the job God gave me to do.

A few years back I struggled with whether I would write again after a brutal tangle with an editor. That book finally released and I love it but hate to pick it up to read it because of the trauma of that interaction and the battles that ensued to that particular book published. The dangerous emotion of inadquacy almost had me quitting it all. I persevered, got the book published and have gone on to write others since then. I will admit there is a greater fear of failure now than there had been previously.

Have you ever experienced inadequacy or imposter syndrome? How have you dealt with that?

 

Author Confession: The Dangerous Emotion of Jealousy

Jan6
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confession: The Dangerous Emotion of Jealousy

Jealousy is another emotion we often downplay and don’t confront in others, much less ourselves. It’s a great tool in romance novels because jealousy can cause people to do things that create conflict and that’s always great for a story.

It’s not so good in real life. I’ve struggled with jealousy throughout my life. I’m sure you have to if you’re honest. It’s an emotion. Even God gets jealous but then He has good reason to be when His children seek worthless idols to distract them from a relationship with Him. We are all guilty of that. So when God is jealous and gets angry because of that jealousy, it is acceptable and not a sin.

For His created people, it is sin if we let ourselves simmer there. Jealousy is coveting what someone else has. The tenth commandment states: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife or his male servant or his female servant or his ox or his donkey or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” Exodus 20:17. Interesting that it does not disparage the desire for the gifts God has given us. Much like our Lord, we can be jealous for time with our spouse or children. As long as that emotion doesn’t lead us into sin.

I can drive around and admire homes without being jealous or wanting that particular home, or one like it. But if I am jealous and desire that home then I’m sinning because I am not content with what God has given me.

I’ve been jealous of other authors. Their successes. Their writing style. The big publishing contract. But I stop myself for a few reasons from dwelling there. Here’s why:

  • God gave them a unique voice and calling and to elevate theirs as superior is to denigrate the work HE has done in and through me.
  • Big book sales do not always equate to eternal impact. If I want to make money, I could write the stuff that really sells, but that is not what God has called me to do.
  • If I believe God has called and led me on the path I am on, it is wrong for me to compare that with the path He has someone else on.
  • I have no idea the sacrifices that person has made to get where they are. As most don’t know mine either.
  • If God blesses another author with a bigger sales and paycheck than myself and we are both being obedient to Him, then I should rejoice in His work because He knows the plans He has for all of us to use for His glory.

So how do I fight the tendency to jealousy? I stop and celebrate what God has done for that author. When it comes to Christian publishing, we are all on the same team! We don’t need to be competitive or one up another. That’s why I rejoined a writer’s group – so I could be a cheerleader and also be encouraged on my journey. I’ll admit sometimes I feel inferior no matter how many books I’ve written.

What about jealousy in other areas of life? We can elevate people based on outward appearances but we may not be aware of the dysfunction behind the scenes. Maybe a family looks great on the outside, perfect husband and wife and kids with no problems. At least for now. That you know of. Or someone with a great career, but again, we don’t know the sacrifices or maybe even the heartache that is going on deep inside. Good things come with a cost.

Being jealous is telling God that what He has given me isn’t good enough. It’s like the second son in the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) who is upset that the father never threw a party for him but gave one for the returning wastrel. Jesus told a parable about a master paying laborers the same even though some didn’t work as long. (Matthew 20:1-16) and likened this to the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus can distribute gifts through the Holy Spirit and blessings as HE sees fit and I have no right to be angry or jealous. My job is to honor and obey HIM and not seek other things, including a lucartive publishing contract or huge sales. If I submit to the Jesus and let the Holy Spirit reign in my heart and life than I have reward enough.

When I stand before the throne of God someday He is not going to ask me why my kids didn’t turn out as accomplished as someone else’s kids, or why my house wasn’t bigger or better, or cleaner! He’s not going to judge me on my BMI or the brand of clothing I wear. He won’t care how many people read this blog or how many books I wrote or sold, or how many people follow me on social media.

He will only care that I repented of my sins and put my faith in Jesus Christ alone.

There will be rewards for the obedience and forgiveness for my failures, even the ones I’m not aware of. That’s grace.

We all stand equal at the foot of the cross. It is a level playing field and the rest is smoke and mirrors. Where is my devotion? God is jealous for me to worship only Him not book sales. The dangerous emotion of jealousy can impact all of us in various ways. How do you deal with it?

Author Confessions: When Discouragement Hits Hard

Dec16
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: When Discouragement Hits Hard

I have struggled with depression pretty much all my life. Even with medication there are days when it can hit hard. Add winter in Wisconsin and the lack of sunshine, Seasonal Affective Disorder can get mixed up in there. I’ve learned to relax into that reality and make adjustments when the energy level sinks and my body indicates it needs more rest than activity, or conversely, needs connection more than isolation.

I had a challenging November. Somehow with lots of extra free form writing I managed to finish National Novel Writing month (Nanowrimo.org). Lots of words to be deleted from that document! The story wasn’t finished but I’m hoping that it will be soon so I can start working on the editing process.

Surgery for me the week before Thanksgiving, and then last Wednesday, surgery for my husband, makes for challenges to navigate.

With all the chaos of November, I didn’t get my December marketing done and I will confess I was discouraged with the reality that only one person who read my latest Christmas novella, I’ll be Gnome for Christmas, wrote a review. I did a Facebook live for the first time to promote the book—and no one showed up. I understand. We are all busy!

I have to do some reevaluating again… Why do I write? It is a calling I believe, but is it really having an impact in this crazy world? It’s not a financial boon in any way for our family. It is a sacrifice of discipline getting my butt in that chair and hands on a keyboard to come up with a story, and fashion characters out of thin air that hopefully will relate a message of hope and faith, and maybe even fun that will entertain and encourage a reader. Or show them a true, vital faith that can be theirs.

Obviously, I am writing this post on one of the lower days. Healing takes energy and can make me tired but that can compound the feelings of discouragement if not depression! And honestly, at the moment I’m writing this, I’m more discouraged than anything.

This isn’t a pity party. No one comes when anyone hosts those! I’m writing an honest confession that authors face. Discouragement. Does what I do matter? If I stopped writing stories would anyone care?

The better question I need to be really asking is: What is GOD calling me to do? After all, it’s only HIS opinion that matters. More than any and book reviews or sales are not any validation of HIS call when the work of the heart is something He is only aware of. And that, my friends, is only a question He can answer. Many of the people in Scripture who were following God’s lead faced these same issues.

How do handle it when discouragement hits hard? I’d love to hear about it.

Maybe this old song by Caroyn Arends will encourage you as it does me: https://youtu.be/mwWy-T8WWFo?si=IVzJ1lgbS7REz-xg

Author Confessions: Hold On To Your Eyeball (Moving Body Parts)

Dec9
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Hold On To Your Eyeball (Moving Body Parts)

I’m taking a little departure from dangerous emotions (yes, there are more of them!) to do something more specifically writing but does relate to real life because it is how many American’s talk. Autonomously moving body parts in fiction is usually discouraged but doesn’t mean they won’t creep onto the page.

I was explaining this to some non-writer friends and I used the explanation of “His eyes rolled.” as an example. See here the eyes are acting on their own volition which is different from “He rolled his eyes.”

This resulted in some hilarity because it was like the eyes rolled almost like a meatball from the song On Top Of Spaghetti. So we revised the song.

On top of spaghetti all covered with cheeseI lost my poor eyeball when somebody sneezed
It rolled off the table, it rolled on the floorAnd then my poor eyeball rolled out of the door
It rolled in the garden and under a bushAnd then my poor eyeball was nothing but mush.
The mush was as tasty as tasty could be,And early next summer it grew to a tree.
The tree was all covered with beautiful mossIt grew great big eyeballs and tomato sauce.
So if you eat spaghetti all covered with cheese,Hold on to your eyeball and don’t ever sneeze.
Now in spite of us laughing at this ridiculousness, it got even funnier when I learned that my husband had never heard this song! If you click on the song title above you’ll hear a  version of the song with the original lyrics.
So pardon my detour there, but sometimes we just need to be a little silly about these things as they are funny if you think of them literally. Here are some examples:
  • Her eyebrows raised. (Really, raised what? The roof? An objection?) Better: She raised her eyebrows.
  • Her arm swung freely. (Is this like on a swingset?) Better: She swung her arm.
  • Her head turned. (Now I got Friday the 13th vibes). Better: She turned her head to the right.
  • His sad eyes arrested her. (Did they have handcuffs?) Better: His sad gaze arrested her attention.
There could be countless more examples. Let your characters in your writing be the ones making their body’s move instead of them going off on their own as if to steal the scene of your story. Yes, it can be creative but I was recently reading a book by Yakov Smirnoff about how confusing some of the language was as he learned English after moving to the United States, and while it is funny, it can be challenging to a less skilled linguest who might be reading. So be careful as you write, and no matter what, hold on to your eyeballs!