Tag Archive | relationships

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part II

Aug25
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part II

As I pondered little things when it comes to fiction, my little grey cells meandered to other areas where this is important.

When the Isrealites were preparing for that first Passover they needed to clean to the degree that not a tiny piece of yeast ( a little thing) could be found in the house. I had help cleaning in the house a few weeks back, and the woman told me to be aware that there were crumbs of something in one cupboard. Maybe I had mice. We live in the country and mice are not unusual to find if traps aren’t set, however, in this instance it yeast had fallen out of a tiny hole in a packet that had been cut too close. Better than a mess left by mice, but still, a mess.

I’m not a big fan of cleaning, but this reminded me that even the tiniest sin, is still sin. A speck that can obscure your view. How often do I deep clean my own soul? We get too used to the dust in the corner, or the window sill, or in the cupboard. Over time it gets worst.

There’s a saying that we are not to stress over the little things. And in reality many little things we stress over will be insignificant in the future and we won’t remember them at all. Still, when it comes to daily life, sometimes it is the little things that are important, like confessing sin, spending time with God, paying that credit card bill, changing the oil on the car…

But how about in life? How often do we pay attention to the little things around us? I was deep cleaning in my home and amazed at how much dirt shows up in the space between window glass and screen. Ewww! My husband walks around the outside of his shop or garage always looking for nails or screws. Those little things can cause big problems if a tire hits one the wrong way.

Sin often starts out small. A tiny lie. A corner of your soul that holds on to anger and resentment. Just one video you’d never want your mother to catch you watching (not to mind God!).

What about patterns of behavior? Saying a behavior is wrong for some but not for you (hypocrisy). Being able to think critically can be important for certain tasks: medicine, police work, even editing books. While that is a great skill to have, it can be difficult to turn it off when it comes to people. Having a good work ethic is important but working so hard you avoid relationships, isn’t honoring to those who love you. Seeking to do your work perfectly is great if you’re a surgeon, but expecting perfection of others in everyday life is always going to disappoint.

I could list so many more things, mostly because I have a tendency to sin. I’m gratful for those who I love and trust who can tell me when I’ve erred. I need to speak the truth in love as well at times. I hate having to call out sin in others because I hate having to look at in in myself. True love helps those they love, even with the little things.

When it comes to sin, what little things trip you up? What might God be showing you that you need to deal with? It’s the little things that can grow to be big things.

Author Confessions: The Junk We Carry

Jul28
Reading Time: 7 minutes

Author Confessions: The Junk We Carry

We are in the process of moving and while we have a lot of boxes out of our house, now that showings are done, we still have much more to pack. Some of it will go into storage while we wade through storage to find things we might still need that accidently got put in with all the other stuff… It’s annoying and frustrating how much we have that we don’t need and thend trying to decide what to keep, sell, give away, or trash is equally challenging.

It is also time consuming. Both my husband and myself are planning to get rid of even more before it gets moved into our final home. I’ve tried to be ruthless and so has he but since are both creative people there are things we keep that are “I might need this someday…” for doing a project. Oh, there are lots of things I would love to do but I’d need to do more than clone myself to get them all done, assuming I’ll have the physical ability to do them, or that God will grant me the time here on earth to accomplish those things.

It had me pondering the things I carry (as do others) that really don’t help us on our journey in this life. Things that weigh us down, maybe bad memories, negative thoughts we tend to gravitate toward, or habit that really don’t advance the quality of our life here on this earth or our service to Jesus while we are here. Or lastly, people. Oh, I’m sure there’s a lot more junk I could dig up but I think those are pretty big ones.

Bad Memories

Like old pillows we collect  but can’t give away, our bad memories can surround us if we let them, but they fail to provide comfort. I have some from my growing up years and all the emotions that go with them. Some have those that are far more traumatic and need to be dealt with in conjunction with prayer and counseling. Mine, maybe, maybe not. They aren’t deeply traumatic but they left their mark.

It’s amazing how sin impacts our tendency to focus more on negative memories than the positive ones. Even in a difficult marriage there were good moments and that doesn’t negate the harm that was done, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate the positives that were there as well. As a result of the hardships, I grew and matured in my walk with God and emotionally with the help of a therapist, to be a healthier version of myself than I was way back when.

Focusing on the good and setting aside the bad is an intentional act of the will. We can’t avoid the bad memories, and we can’t erase them forever, however, we can chose to change our perspective on them. If there is healing to be done, then do that with help before shoving them away.

Negative Thoughts

We all, I’m sure, have negative thoughts that run through our minds. Scripture says to take every thought captive but like fireflies flitting around at dusk, how do you catch one with a butterfly net? They’d slip right through. You can’t stop bad thoughts as they are unconsciously driven by the sinful bent we have as a result of the fall, but we can minimize them by focusing on God’s truth.

It’s easy for me to be self-critical but I love the heart and words of a friend of mine, also an author, who says, “God delights in me, and I’m His child, so I don’t need to worry. He’ll take care of me.” She told me this with a big smile and a cute giggle. The idea of being a delight to God doesn’t mean walking in arrogance, but in calm confidence and joy that can wipe away some of those harsh critical comments that pop into my mind. Even looking in the mirror I can be far more critical of parts of my appearance, but this is the body God gave me and it functions fairly well, and I’ve been able to help it heal from effects of past emotional trauma that sometimes manifests itself physically.

Not that I need to think I’m a model, which is silly since I don’t even think all models are all that pretty. But God created me and my husband and friends love me, so, I need to accept that I am loveable in spite of any perceived flaws.

God’s word never lies but my brain does when it accuses or puts me down. I would never treat a friend like that! Neither would God. Sure, I’ll tell you if you have a black poppy seed stuck in your teeth but I’m not going to tell you you’re fat, or ugly. We all go through struggles and many of them are unseen. I shouldn’t be thinking thoughts that I would never attribute to a friend or God would never think about me.

Granted, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t own up to my failings and work to resolve those things. I am fully aware of my sinful tendencies and the evil that lurks deep inside. Submitting daily to God, coming before him and feasting on Scripture, helps a keep my thoughts focused on Him, and the wonders of all He has done and continues to do. And that’s far more enjoyable than entertaining dark or negative thoughts that don’t help me.

Habits

We all have habits that don’t help us. I’m trying to drink more water instead of soda, because it’s better for my health. I’m trying to make wiser choices in food. And footware. Practiciality often wins out over fashion when it comes to my feet! There are so many habits we have but we can replace them with better ones which makes setting aside the bad ones, easier.

I have a routine or habit of journaling and spending time with God every day. I’ve at times needed to adjust when I do it, and sometimes it might be not as full a time as I would prefer, but I find that if I don’t do that, my days doesn’t go quite as well. Kind of like if I don’t take certain medications or supplements. Or drink enough water. The impact can be felt if I neglect the  good habits in my life.

Some people like to collect things but have a policy that for every new thing collected, they must give away something else. It’s an interesting concept. Habits can be a lot of things, not just diet and exercise.

What healthy habits do you have?

People

I’ve had people come and go in my life, we all do. Some people leave us through death and leave a legacy of a positive (or negative) impact in our lives. Other people we need to cut ties with or minimize contact with for our own well being. I don’t want to spend my time, as precious as it is, walking on eggshells around someone. Like a figurine that was in fashion once upon a time, sometimes giving it away, selling it, or tossing it, is better than keeping it around. Not that we can sell or give away people,  but we can keep them from entering the door of our home (physically and emotionally), and that’s the point. Some people don’t deserve the honor of our time and attention, much less hospitality, if they bring poison with them.

We’ve had a few of those people in our lives. I can be too trusting at times but as an INFJ, if you break that trust, it is really hard to get it back. Oh, I can forgive people, but that doesn’t mean I ever want a relationship with them. Reconciliation might be possible, but again, that doesn’t mean trust and the kind of intimacy I treasure with people closest to me.

I recently blocked someone who was toxic to my husband but then tried to get to him, through me, via text. It was like a drive by shooting where he hoped the bullet would go through me and hit my hubby. First, that was triangulation which his never healthy, and secondly, this person who had a week before told my husband he loved him, wouldn’t share what was going on that caused him to go off the rails. He blew up the relationship, ran away, and tried to justify it with a rage-filled text. (We won’t be seeing emails from him either, they will go to spam now).  I didn’t read more than a few words before I understood what was going on and deleted it and blocked him. I had avoided option before that, in hopes that at some point in the future, he might want to reconcile. My hand was forceed. I took a stand, set a boundary, and in a way, toss the relationship away.

Characters in a Story

Sometimes when I’m writing a story, my own issues that I need to purge might be reflected in the characters I write. Many times that happens unconsciously. You were writing your own story (with God’s help!). What would you desire for you? What actions would you take towards growth that would make God smile?

Cleaning House

Purging and cleaning house is never easy when it’s a physical place and belongings. It’s even more difficult when it is emotional, mental, and physical. Getting rid of the junk we carry is necessary if we are going to enjoy the fullness of the life God has given us. Kind of like pulling weeds in the garden so you can enjoy the beauty of the flowers blooming there, it needs to be done. Thankfully we have a God who created us to enjoy His beauty and love and grants forgiveness when we confess the bad stuff we are holding on to. Let Him bring us treasures that are eternal to take the the place of the junk we carry.

What are you thinking about purging, with God’s help?

 

Author Confessions: Understanding Motives

Jul21
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: Understanding Motives

Let me start by describing what a motive is. These are deep forces within us that result in an individual to behave in certain ways. Why do they do that? That is a motive question. Motives can be physical, psychological, emotional, social, and even spiritual. It is the reason why a person does something. They can be conscious or unconscious, but I suspect sometimes the unconscious ones might be the more powerful force.

How well do you know anyone? Sometimes I am not sure I fully understand myself or my motives. Someone tried to put me down a while back for, in their minds, a bad decision I made decades ago. While I agree now that it was not a wise decision, it is over and done with. I didn’t understand myself well enough then to understand the forces that pulled me into that choice. Some of those were deep emotional needs to be wanted and loved, I thought would be satisfied. My motive? Seeking love and security.

Big fail. Decades later I wish I could help myself understand that I deserved better. The lies I’d been told by well-meaning individuals that no one would want or love me amplified those needs.

When someone commits a crime, one of the key aspects to solving the crime is the motive. A crime of passion? Larceny? Insanity? Justice?

When an author is coming up with characters for a book, we are often trying to figure out the motive behind the character’s actions. Maybe the character isn’t even aware of those forces whirling inside them.

Let’s consider briefly what might motivate any one of us, or a character in a book.

Biological Motives. These would include: hunger, thirst, sleep, avoiding pain, regulating temperature, sex drive, and maternal or paternal instincts.

Social Motives. These could include: achievement, power, connection, curiosity, aggression or desire to aquire things.

Personal. Habits, goals in life, aspirations, attributes and interests.

As I discuss motives and goals but when I worked in the field of mental health I discovered that when I was working with a client from an South Asian country, on goal setting, I ran into a problem. Their language had no word that equated with goal, motive, or purpose! That doesn’t mean it didn’t exist but it was difficult to motivate someone to grow and become independent when there wasn’t even a term in his native language for that.

Some people are definitely more driven to pursue goals than others, but what is really motivating someone can be difficult to discern simply based on an outward action.

Motives are often connected to needs, and sometimes more importantly, unmet needs. We all have needs that we need to meet. The biological motives for instance all corrolate with a need that is unmet when it becomes a motive. When I’m outside in the hot sun weeding my garden and get thirsty, I am motivated to get up and get something to drink. Need leads to motive.

We are so complex aren’t we? Of course motives can go beyond need but I believe at their core they can be connected to a needs as mentioned in last week’s post. Add to that all those dangerous emotions and it’s amazing the human race is still around. I’m joking of course, but given the complexity and depth of each human being with all their needs, wants, motives, emotions, preferences, histories, cultures, languages, giftedness, physical capablities, and personalities… it’s kind of silly when we focus on something like skin color. That should be the least of our concerns when we are seeking to have relationships.

Understanding motives, needs, and emotions, needs to start with our individual selves. The good, the bad, and the ugly parts of who we are. That needs to be addressed long before we start trying to figure out someone else. Counselors don’t ascribe emotions or motivations to people, they help them unearth them, to understand what deficit perhaps is behind the behavior which can lead to an unmet need that is motivating them. Did your head spin with that? I think mine did.

I started writing this post because I, like many people, have been accused of false motives. Even people close to me, have believed the lies instead of seeking to understand my choices and decisions. As a follower of Jesus, I try to make decisions based on what I  believe God is leading me to do, even when it runs contrary to what I might normally consider rational and sane. Yet God has always been there. When someone ascribes false motives to me it is as if there is an excuse for them to break the relationship for their own motives which I don’t know or understand or can’t even begin to guess. It flies in the face of our need for family and connection when it hits close to home.

The reality is, not all needs, met or unmet, are pure. One can be confident but one can also be arrogant. One can want property, but one can be greedy as well. And sometimes people are too fragile to accept the reality that intimacy and relationships come with challenges, perhaps accountability, and confronting sin, which might shine a light on unmet needs and bad motives. We don’t always seek to meet our needs in good ways and sometimes, if we are too self-focused, we can wound others in the process.

All of this comes in to play when writing a character in a story as well. Sometimes even our characters don’t always understand what drives them but the author brings some of that out in subtle ways.

Hopefully looking at the needs and motivations, will give you some tools to use as you try to understand why you do some of the things you do. Family patterns might play a role as well. Maybe that will be for another post but it is an entire branch of psychology and I doubt I could do it justice. For the moment, however, it is good at times to evaluate what is driving us to do the things we do. It might be a combination of things but it’s worth it to seek God and undestand that so even our unmet needs and our motivations can be submitted to Him, and growth can occur in new ways.

Maybe too, try to avoid assuming the motivations of others unless they let you in to help them understand them. I’ve said it before, people are messy. Understanding motives can help, but start with yourself.

 

 

 

 

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

Jul14
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

I was surprised that I never wrote about needs as I’ve always loved Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs and find it contains easy to understand, and biblically sound ideas.

If you’re not familiar with Abraham Maslow, he was an American psychologist and he studied human motivation. It’s probably what he is most famous for. He came up with five basic needs that support the needs above them for a person to be living lives as full as possible.

Hierarchy of Needs

Physiological Needs

These needs we see even in infants. We all need to breathe. If you suffer from asthma like I do, you can appreciate that even more. When you’re hungry you realize how important that need is. Shelter is important to protect us from the hazards that can come from our environments: cold, heat, sun, snow, rain, hurricanes etc. We need clothing as well to protect our bodies. Winter coat in subzero weathers vs shorts and tank tops when it is hot. Sleep is also a need. It messes with our body and our minds when we do not get enough sleep.

Safety and Security

When we break a bone, get a disease, or even a cold, we are reminded how much our health impacts our overall well-being. We need something to do. Now in our society it seems that being online and pontificating and even bragging about not working is the norm but a well-adjusted individual needs employment. Paid or volunteer there is a built in need to contribute to something bigger than ourselves. Property is important, whether you rent or own we need a place. Even gypsy’s have property, they just take it with them. Family is one that is so in danger in our world but is a deep need God has built into us. Having social connections are also important to help us develop and be whole.

Love and Belonging

Friendships, family, intimacy and connection are again, built into us by our amazing God who wants to be in those kinds of relationships with humans. Denying the need for connections and belonging can deeply hurt an individual’s development and very existance. That is why isolation can be so hard long term in prison or for those who are held captive. The lack of connection can be devestating psychologically.

Self-Esteem

We long to be confident, to feel like we matter and that others like us. When that is denied a child, or an adult, it can be devestating. We long for respect for who God created us to be, as unique creations of a loving, and amazing God. When that is withheld it can have a horrible impact on a person’s emotional health.

Self-Actualization

We all have some version of morals, we have different levels of creativity, we desire acceptance, purpose, and to know our life has meaning. We long for the ability to make choices and take actions on our own.

Summary 

Getting our needs seems so simple in a pyramid. Due to sin it can be hard for us to find our needs met in the world around us because it often requires relationships which can be messy.

Next week I’ll be looking at how this connects with motives. Understanding human needs can go a long way to understanding ourselves which is necessary before we seek to understand others. God of course, is already there and calling us to follow Him and grow to be people who can serve Him, even if our needs here on earth are not fully met. Ane while we need these things from other humans, because He designed us for relationships, He also promises to help us with all of these as we seek His face.

Author Confessions: Relationships Are Messy

Jun9
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Relationships Are Messy

Does that statement seem more like a “duh” to you? It does to me. As an author we want to have conflict and obstacles for a relationship to face as a story progresses. We want the characters to struggle in their relationships. Kind of sad that we don’t want to read smooth, conflict-free, stories when we were initially created for that kind of life in the Garden of Eden. I can’t imagine how this will play out in heaven when conflict and struggle is all we know down here.

We all come to relationships with a history of good and bad, sometimes trauma, physical, spiritual, or emotional wounds (or all of the above). We come with a family culture that is likely unique from faith, traditions, language, and even the foods we eat. Our neigbhorhoods might be different from others. We might even dress or look different. Our finanical status will impact the quality of life we experience and the kinds of resources that are available to us.

This is why those from a similar cultural upbringing might have an easier time than those from totally foreign experiences. That doesn’t guarantee if you marry someone of the same skin tone, faith, school background and family background and even genetics, that you will be conflict free.

We are so unique in so many ways that it really is a miracle when people can get a long at all. We are emotional people as well and the way we are wired is not identical to anyone else even if you can fit in a similar Meyers-Briggs catagory. I have three close friends and we all share the same Meyer’s Briggs type – but we are still so very different from each other.

I was watching Doc Martin a while back and his wife struggled with how different Martin was but finally had to realize that there is no one who is truly “normal” and trying to completely change him without considering that she might have some flaws to iron out as well, was difficult for her to come to grips with. She finally did.

Appreciating someone for the unique person they are does not mean excusing sin or enabling destructive behaviors.

An author has to take this all into account while writing a story. Sometimes it is the quirkiest characters that people love the most. Maybe that is because all of us have some quirks and can relate to feeling different at times.

If we think any relationship is going to avoid conflict and the need to navigate difficulty, we are delusional. It is what makes stories so much fun to read, but in real life it is rarely comfortable or fun. Often when we face someone else’s personality rubbing ours the wrong way, we need to look at ourselves to figure out how much of that is them–and how much is us.

Not everyone is going to be a friend. Even so that doesn’t mean we need to be disrespectful to them, even if for our own sanity we need to avoid or limit our interactions with them. That is a tricky balancing act: preserve our emotional well-being while trying to be respectful. Boundaries can be hard to execute but we need to do that and be clear about those limits where possible. It’s OK to protect yourself in any interaction.

It’s a miracle that after traumatic pasts, both my husband and I generally get along well and enjoy each other’s company. When life is stressful, or someone is in pain, or doesn’t get enough rest, or is hangry (angry due to hunger) it can definitely complicate our interactions. It would be nice if we could all just totally get what is going on inside someone’s head, but I guarantee mine is sometimes a dumpster fire and not pretty.

So why do I bring this up? Because in our fantasies the right person in our life will make everything perfect. We deny the accomodations, the negotiations, along with everything else that goes into a relationship. We need to be real because sin has impacted every aspect of this world. It seperated us from God but can also drive a wedge in between us and people we care about. Navigating all of that takes humility, prayer, and effort.

Do you agree that relationships are messy? How do you navigate that in your own life? What kind of characters are you drawn to in fiction and how messy are their lives?

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Betrayal

Apr7
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Betrayal

I was talking to someone the other day who had suffered trauma as a result of the unexpected actions of a former spouse. He was discussing this and I finally said, “I think what you are trying to describe is betrayal.”

It was like a sucker punch to him. Naming our emotions and realizing how they truly impact us, can be difficult and painful, but it is also important.

The word betray isn’t in Scripture too often, it is referenced in repeatedly in relation to one person: Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus.

Jesus was suffering from a variety of emotions before He was betrayed, arrested and tortured. I would suspect that even though he understood this was going to happen, it was a deep cut to His soul that someone he had trusted and poured into for three years would do this. It was essential for God’s purposes to be fulfilled but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

Betrayal can wound us deeply but like many emotions, it is more dangerous when it is unacknowledged. When we can name the emotion and feel the pain, although gut-wrenching, we can then move past the “victim” stage and move on into a new life without that person.

Betrayal that is buried and not properly grieved, because it signifies the death of a relationship, can twist a person up inside and lead to self-doubt, self-recriminations, victimhood, paralysis, and self-abasement. The danger in betrayal, whether buried or acknowledged, is the desire for justice and retaliation. God says He will vindicate those who harm us. David wrote: “Vindicate me, God, and defend my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from the deceitful and unjust man. For You are the God of my refuge. (Psalm 45:1a HCSB)”

It is entirely possible that the betrayal isn’t truly about the individual betrayed, but what they stand for: Jesus. He said to His disciples in John 15:18-19: “If the world hates you, understand that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own. However, because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of it, the world hates you.”

Betrayal is a unique wounding not only because it signifies the loss of a relationship, but also a loss of trust one had in at least one individual. We are to be wise in who we trust, and betrayal calls into question our judgement. We are to always trust God who will never betray us. We may have been blind to the evil in that person but we should be glad we discovered it. While the level of betrayal can vary, the injury is the same. We need to be careful in the future then of who we trust in and might need counseling to learn perhaps the signs of people who are not safe for us to be in relationship with.

If someone betrays someone else, take that as a red flag and do not trust them. Just like with gossip (which is a verbal betrayal), or adultery (a sexual betrayal), or personal theft (a financial betrayal), if someone is willing to do that about someone else, be assured they might do it to you. Beware of those people. Paul gives this warning to Timothy:

For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, without love for what is good, traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to the form of godliness but denying its power. Avoid these people! (1 Tim 3:2-5)

Betrayal of you, if you are a follower of God, is also a betrayal of the Lord Who called you to be His follower. It is always wise to search inside for any hidden sin that might have contributed to that but the offender is responsible for his or her own actions before God.

Betrayal buried or denied can lead to more pain in the long run. It can lead to an individual being stuck helpless as a victim instead of moving past this horrific event to mature and become wiser, to rise above as a victor. Betrayal acknowledged and our pain submitted to God, can be a turning point for us in growing in wisdom and trust in the God who will never betray those who are truly His and seeking His face.

Can a relationship be redeemed after betrayal? Anything is possible with God but that doesn’t mean that the victim in this situation returns as if nothing ever happened. We are commanded to forgive, even if there is no apology or reconciliation but that does not equate to a relationship. Trust needs to be earned over time and the person who was offended has every right to put limits and conditions and be cautious with the level of trust given to the offender. That is not a lack of forgiveness but an act of wisdom and protection.

Final note. Just because someone sets limits on your relationship doesn’t equal betrayal. It may have more to do with them than it does with you. Respect the boundary and if they have cut back on trust, reciprocation is possibly wise. Sometimes we need again to check ourselves to make sure our actions haven’t unwittingly precipitated that boundary, and maybe we have some growing to do as a result. If you find yourself betrayed by a boundary, and angry at that, it says more about you, than it does about them.

Have you been betrayed? How have you recovered from that? It can leave deep wounds that time, prayer, discussing it with a trusted friend or therapist, can help with. Grieve the loss, forgive the person, and move forward with your life. The dangerous emotion of betrayal doesn’t have to define us forever. God never wastes our pain.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotions of Ambivalence and Apathy

Mar10
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Ambivalence and Apathy

Two emotions in one post? I must be crazy. However these are probably not emotions often talked about and I think I can handle a two-for-one special today!

Ambivalence

The dangerous emotion of ambivalence is a contradictary mix of emotions: love/hate, caring/disinterest. Some of this is a natural by product of any relationship. We can deeply love someone but also hate certain things they do even if they are not sin. That might be a decision we disagree with, or political posture they take (this can be hard in the USA!). This can end up with one emotion growing larger than the other and this is where the danger comes, when it swings one way or the other.

Scripture teaches that love never fails or love conquers all depending on the translation (1 Cor 13). 1 Peter 4:8 states: “Above all, maintain an intense love for each other, since love covers a multitude of sins.” Woah. Love covering sin is having an attitude of forgiveness. Love in action forgives sin, especially in a relationship with another person. It not mean avoiding any acknowledgement of sin, not confronting sin, or allowing sinful acts to continue. If we truly love someone and value them as a person made in the image of God, we should confront sin.

Now I’m not saying we go around judging everyone (that moral high ground again) but when we see sinful patterns it is good to discuss those and bring them out in the open and even get to the root of the issue that might be underneath. Good counseling can help in many instances. Get help alone (not couples therapy) if there is verbal/emotional/financial/physical abuse or a narcissitic spouse. Ambivalence is dangerous when in cases of abuse the love wins out over protecting oneself and getting help. I’m not promoting divorce. Don’t let let a false sense of love lead to unwise emotional or physical choices.

That “multitude of sins,” could also refer to quirks and idosyncracies we all have whether we want ot admit it or not. My husband will ask why I’m so kind to him. I tell him that if I ever get upset or irritated when he does something that is just “him” and it is not sin, I remember that this personality that makes up the man I married, is who God made him to be. I need to realize that and accept him as he is. Not necesesarily ambivialence, although maybe in that moment until I adjust my attitude to be one of love. Now, if he really is getting on my nerves or is going to far (he loves to joke around) I let him know. He has to adjust to my quirks and moods as well.

Ambivalence isn’t as dangerous as it is a signal that perhaps we need to figure out why and work our way back to the more positive emotions. The danger in the emotion of ambivalence is if we allow it to continue for a long period of time.

Apathy

The dangerous emotion of apathy is marked by a lack of emotion. Detatchment. Not caring. No empathy. In many ways this seems worse than hatred. If I hate someone there is a strong emotion attached to it. I care, but am not happy about something the person did. If I’m apathetic, I don’t care at all. This should not be the case in close relationships as it undermines any sense of unity and love we would want in a healthy friendship or marriage.

Apathy, in the sense of detachment, might be necessary for emotional survival in the case of narcissitic/verbal/emotional/phyisical/financial abuse like I mentioned above. In this case it is a healthy way to protect oneself from someone who does not have our best interests at heart. This might end in cutting off a friendship, blocking or restricting someone on social media, or not sharing your life with that person if they are not “safe” for you. Not answering the phone or a text. When someone has abused or in other ways broken trust, detatchment may be the healthiest thing to do. As long as you can do that without harboring emotions of resentment or hatred toward that person. Let them go and let God deal with them.

In many ways apathy is the saddest of the emotions because it is an indication of the death of a connection to another person.

Side note: Depression can result in apathy so be careful not to just cut off a relationship if you struggle with depression and you are unable to parse out whether your lack of interest is due to the “blues” or something is wrong in the relationship. When a depressed person experiences apathy it is usually more universal – a disinterest in anything, even things that used to bring pleasure. Unfortunately, ongoing abuse can result in the depression and apathy and it is helpful to get wise counsel to resolve that so you can experience the nicer emotions in life like love, joy, hope, and peace.

The danger in apathy is when you haven’t given a relatively health relationship a chance. Sometimes, however, it is healthier to embrace the apathy as a way to move forward in life without the pain of loss, grief, sorrow, that can accompany a person who has cut of a relationship with you. Grieve it, yes. Evaluate yourself for any wrongdoing, absolutely, but then move on in freedom. Don’t let those regrets over the past that you cannot resolve in the present, hinder you from living life to the fullest.

Have you had challenges with the dangerous emotions of ambivalence or apathy? How have you dealt with either of those?

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Regret

Jan27
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Regret

Regret is akin to guilt although it is self-reflective. We are looking at the past and proclaiming guilty judgement over things we did or didn’t do.

I had people ask me if I regretted marrying my first husband. While I sometimes feel shame (that’s next week) for the immature neediness that led me to that decision, I cannot regret it. Why? Because if I regretted it, I wouldn’t have my four children (one is in heaven). While raising children is hard, and a difficult marriage is painful, there was a lot of growth that took place in me emotionally and spiritually as I sought God and help from a wise counselor. I wouldn’t be able to write or encourage people the way I do if I hadn’t walked that path.

Regret can be a test before making a decision. However, it is hard to forecast what you might think and feel about a decision or choice years in the future. For instance, when marrying the sweet husband I have now: “If I have sex before marriage, would I regret it?” For me, the answer was “Yes.” In hindsight, I am doubly grateful we waited. It was not easy. I think if I had answered that differently, I would have regretted it.

Regrets can be good if it helps us make amends or seek to reconcile relationships that may have been cut off, even if not by ourselves.

When I start to feel regret that I remind myself that I did the best I could with what I knew and all along I was seeking God. He works things together for HIS good and in His perfect timing. I could feel sad about things that happened, and that is good and right to do. There are things to grieve (a post for another week). I do not need to regret following God through those difficult years because He never abandoned me.

Trying to live a life without regrets can become an idol if we put that ahead of what God is calling us to do which might involve taking risks, or making decisions that might be counterintuitive to those around us (but not sin!). There’s a bit of a tightrope there, isn’t there?

I hope that when I am old I can look back and not have regret because my focus won’t be on mistakes I made, that God used in spite of my failures, but that I will look back and see His fingerprint throughout my life and find comfort in realizing He understood all along who I was then, who I am now, and who I will be when I am face to face with Him. There will be no regrets then, but perfect peace.

Do you hold on to regrets? What helps you let go of the dangerous emotion of regret?

Next week I’ll wade into the dangerous emotion of shame.

Quirks

Jan15
Reading Time: 3 minutes

The other night, my husband and I were reading through a devotional Bible and it asked a question about putting up with the idiosyncracies of your spouse. We chuckled. When he saw one photo of me in my bio in an online dating sight before we’d met in person, he thought I was wacky.

I joke it was truth in advertising. 

I’m weird. I embrace that. Normal, typical are not words that define me or my life. 

During our wedding the pastor who had known me for many years mentioned that I was quirky and Ben would have to deal with that.

My man, for all his past business successes, is a goofball. He loves to joke around and make people smile. He makes me laugh every day. Sometimes the jokes are corny. “If you want better jokes, you have to pay better,” is his response. The silliness that emerges from him often amazes us both and continues to give us each joy in our days even when circumstances are difficult.

Both of us has past trauma from previous relationships. It’s not uncommon for my husband to ask, “Why do you treat me so well?” He’s not used to being affirmed, welcomed home warmly, and encouraged in his many endeavors, and to be listened to as he explains his plans. Much of that I don’t fully comprehend but I do try. Sometimes, rarely, I even come up with suggestions that help propel him forward. Score one for the wife! 

My response to him is this: “If I ever get annoyed with you I step back and remember, this is who God made you to be. If I have a problem with that, the issue is me, not you.” Quirks and all I need to embrace who he is completely. Now, when he crosses a line I tell him. When he does something he thinks is playful and it hurts me, or offends me, I let him know. He may not have actually even done anything wrong, but due to my own past wounds sometimes I can get triggered. Ah the side-effects of abuse. 

The great thing is, when I do this, he changes his behavior. There are certain words we don’t use in our home because they cause hurt. They are not necessarily bad words in and of themselves. There are things he’s done that have unintentionally hurt me and I’ve let him know and he respects that. 

He has also let me know when I unintentionally let him down, that there was a need I didn’t perceive and failed to meet. Sometimes he comes home and is busy in the garage with a project. Instead of coming out to check on him I’ll just wait for him to come inside for dinner. He’d like me to check in on him. I’m somewhat lazy at times and don’t want to put on shoes or a coat (we live in Wisconsin and it is now winter) to be heading out there. Now, I try to pop in more. I always figured I might be bothering him or getting in the way of a project. But that’s a holdover from my own past. He’s never snapped at me for coming into the garage to see what he’s doing. He’s always been happy to see me and usually to explain what he’s working on. He may be an adult and retired, but he still likes an ataboy now and then. 

Don’t we all? 

When I feel like I’ve not lived up to some invisible standard in my mind, he affirms how much he admires the work I do even though it is often with a computer or words on a page. He works with his hands and gets dirty. He’s always creating something with metal that is functional and usually from scraps, which  becomes something usable and valuable. He was surprised one day when I told him I was amazed at how creative he is! He never thought of himself as creative. It may not be decorative but he solves problems and isn’t afraid of the hard work to get to the end result. That perseverance is impressive to me. He threatens to get a go-pro to video him working on projects. I think it would be great, but I already have way too much to do to be adding editing his videos for him! He’s not terribly tech-saavy. 

So what are your quirks? How do you handle the quirks of others? Can you embrace them as part of their uniqueness? It’s not always easy and sometimes the yuck from our own past gets in the way of being able to celebrate that part of someone, but it can help us understand, accept, and even love them better when we do. 

 

The Yuck of Unresolved Conflict

Jan8

Reading Time: 3 minutesI’m someone who dislikes conflict. I can handle it well. I’ve had training. I understand de-escalation and all the techniques involved in fighting-fair. I’m just someone who prefers harmony. I’m careful when I go into a conflict situation where I need to confront someone. I pray. I try to figure out what part I played in the situation. I challenge my motivation: Do I really want what’s best for the other person in resolving this?

I try not to let anger or resentment fester. The challenge comes when the issue is not mine to solve. Oh, but I’d sure like to go and make it happen! Speak up on behalf of someone else and let them know that what they did to that person was WRONG!

That is called triangulation and it’s not a good thing. It’s not my job to help mend the relationship between two other people. Now if they ask for my help or assistance I can go with them to do that, but I cannot intervene on their behalf.

Obviously, there are exceptions. If my husband or child is unable to speak up for themselves in a medical situation and they’ve given me the right to speak for them, you can bet I’ll advocate for them! An attorney does a similar thing in mediating a conflict.

But person to person – it needs to be between those two people.

I lost sleep over an issue with this. I was ruminating over the a situation between two people I care about and how they can’t seem to work things out. The one has reached out to the other but there’s been no reply. When the issue first surfaced I asked if the one I’m closest to if they wanted me to helpe mediate a resolution so there could be peace. (I like harmony) but that individual wanted to handle it on their own so I had to step back and wait. Several months have gone by with no resolution. It’s not a relationship that is geographically close but had been good up until one point, and then the other person shut down. Argh! Can you sense my frustration? This has caused a rift in my relationship with another individual as well who is associated with the one who shut down. Oh, what a tangled web.

Until the other person is ready to deal with this, there’s nothing that can be done. So I pray and I wait and… I grieve the loss of the close relationship we all had.

God is the only One who could bring that individual back to the table to talk, or text, or call, or zoom… but the wounds left by their abrupt rejection has hurt more than the person they rejected.  That saddens me. It even clouds some decisions I will eventually need to make.

Maybe it’s a blessing in disquise that those relationships are strained. I doesn’t feel like a blessing. I’ve learned things and became aware of issues along the way that might have made the close relationships we thought we had seem more like smoke and mirrors. Maybe it was just wishful thinking. At some point we all just need to move on past it but there is no relationship if there’s no communication and that has been strained on more than one front.

God sees and knows. It’s hard when friendships have to slide into the “acquaintance” catagory. It feels like a personal failure yet it doesn’t even involve me directly.

Life is hard and friends do come and go. I don’t like that so much. Yet there are friendships I’ve had to walk away from or just not go deeper with for my own health. Maybe that’s the situation with this person. Maybe instead of a crash that the attempt to mend things would have caused, we’ve veered away from a cliff that would have harmed me and my friend further. I don’t know, but I do believe God understands my heart and my desire for peace in those relationships. All I can do is leave it in His capable hands and move on with my life knowing that God has it handled. Thankfully there are other friendships that have grown closer in the vacancy left so I will instead cherish those and work to be as healthy with those as I can be in resolving the challenge that can arise.

Have you been tempted to triangulate on behalf of someone you care for? If so, how did you handle it?