Tag Archive | sin

Author Confessions: Stumbling Blocks in Fiction, Part II

Feb23
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: Stumbling Blocks in Fiction, Part II

In my last post I wrote about the generic issue of stumbling blocks in fiction, but there are more that are specific to the Christian genre. For some, writing with these restrictions can be challenging, but for a devoted follower of Christ they should be easier to avoid.

Denomination bias

This one could be the most challenging for some. We all love our individual “tribes” of denominations and some believe they are superior to others. Of course, there are some that border on cultish. There is a branch of Amish fiction which deals more with the culture of the Amish than the religion itself although the strict rules often come into play and those are religious. With Amish fiction, it would be hard to not mention that they were Amish as no other people group operates quite the way they do. I’ve refused to write Amish fiction even though when I had an agent, she urged me to because they sell well. I told her I thought they bordered on cultish and I didn’t want to glorify that kind of religious belief system. Maybe someday I will write one about how abusive they are to dogs they are breeding since I have two Amish puppy mill rescues.

Demoninations can be specific about some things. There’s a meme that goes around about other things but could apply to church denominations: Tell me your denomination without telling me your denomination. We need to focus more on Jesus than a specific church denomination. This way we don’t alienate readers.

I will confess, I broke this rule in my book Fragile Blessings because as a historical novella, there were times when denominations had conflict and that was highlighted, but neither denomination was condemned or elevated.

Gratitous Sin

Sin is going to infiltrate our stories because we can’t escape sin and it’s impact on our lives in this world. Sin brings about conflict and navigating that conflict makes a story insteresting. Having said that an author needs to avoid elevating any kind of behavior that might be construed as more destructive. For instance, in my Regency romancees, I have a disclaimer about drinking. It was a cultural thing for that time period and culture, and when someone became intoxicated it had disasterous results. I never would want any thing I write to be taken as permission, for someone who struggles with alcohol, for instance, to take that as permission to give in to that addiction. As my husband says, “No one starts out having a drink of alcohol intending on becoming an alcoholic.” Do I believe drinking is a sin? No. However, because some do struggle with it I will never put that as a common practice in my books.

When it comes to sex, that also is not a sin within marriage. I don’t want to deny the desire and physical attraction characters may have for each other but it will only ever be between a man and woman and consumation will not happen until after marriage. I do not want anyone to read my books and find them tittiltating. I used to do some proofreading for another publishing house I was originally contracted with, and one story had just one line in it that I thought went too far with its suggestiveness. I did tell the publisher but I have no awareness of whether that was deleted or changed in the story as it was about to go to print. I hope it was. When my children were younger, I wanted my books to be safe for even my children to read. A former pastor used to read my books as well and enjoyed them. I will stand before God someday for what I write.

Normalizing destructive behaviors

I’ve already mentioned alcohol but the same would be true with murder, cheating, lying, abuse. Anything that can be destructive to another person whould never be promoted in a clean or Christian novel as acceptable. Those behaviors might be part of a story, but not promoted as good. Pesto and Potholes starts out with domestic abuse. In Salsa and Speed Bumps my character deals with the aftermath of a date rape and the consequences of Christians making wrong assumptions about her condition to disasterous effect. Truffles and Traffic deals with the aftermath of a divorce. In all those stories there is redemption as the people lean on God to get them through the pain and trauma they experienced. I could cite many other stories as well. A Christian author never wants to promote sinful behavior as acceptable or permissable for the believer in Jesus.

Foul language

This can be difficult. Funny thing is, as much as people love to swear or tell dirty jokes, it’s amazing how they can change their behavior when they need to. When I worked in the field of mental health, my clients, without me asking, refused to swear or use other foul language in front of me. They understood by my actions that I was a Christian. In fiction, we have unredeemed people who are doing bad things, and while using foul langage is the norm for some authors, the Christian author has to be more creative in the use of their words and descriptions to give a foul character realism. We might even say someone “cursed under their breath,” not promoting that but also not using any words they might use.

An author must be careful of the words even our characters use, even if in real like someone might be swearing, we can’t put that on the page.

Twisted Theology or Unique Theological Differences 

There are so many theological differences that could be at issue. I had an author whose main character was a female pastor. I’m not going to debate whether women can be pastors or not, that’s not the point. It is, however, a bone of contention for many believers. I told her I could not publish her book. We spoke with an agent who was sitting nearby. He said that it would limit the reach of the book and certain bookstores would refuse to carry a book with that as a main component. For those with more controversial issues that they want central to a plot line in a story, that doesn’t mean they can never publish their story, self-publishing is more popular than ever. Authors just need to be aware that some publishing houses won’t accept that.

I’ve had to help authors make minor corrections to descriptions describing the crux of the gospel in their stories. If the gospel is being presented in some way it needs to be clear and avoid any add-ons or misunderstandings. We never want a book to be preachy, but if a character comes to Christ we need to handle that with excellence even as we are creative in our story telling.

Life is complicated but stumbling blocks in fiction are not only for purposes of publication. Stumbling blocks in fiction can upset a Christian reader and cause them to stop reading or write a negative review. Stumbling blocks in fiction could also tempt someone to sin, or keep them from taking the next step of faith. None of these things are good, so a wise author will be careful to avoid them. Can you think of any other stumbling blocks you might have come across in Christian fiction?

Author Confessions: A Firm Foundation (Part III)

Nov3
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: A Firm Foundation (Part III)

Now that I’ve written about the solid need of a firm foundation for life and faith, I figured I should apply this to the craft of writing because it does have application here as well, and it’s good for readers and writers to understand this. You can read the previous two posts here and here. 

There are basic principles of writing that need to be adhered to, unfortuntately for an author, those sometimes change over time when it comes to grammar and style. I will still have people argue with me over not having two spaces between a period and the start of the next sentence but that changed a long time ago and I still sometimes unintentionally add that extra space out of habit.

Any writer needs to understand core principles of story telling, that is true, and they can vary depending on whether you are writing for the secular or Christian market. You can still have a perfectly written book that will not get contracted if the content is not saleable, redundant, offensive, or in the Christian market: theologically in error.

There is a wide variety of faiths out there though so how does an author navigate that? For instance, I had an author who approached me about a story where the female protagonist was a pastor. I told her that personally I had an issue with that and that so would my publisher. I’m not putting down female pastors by any means, but my understanding of Scripture makes that a hard thing to swallow. We brought in a literary agent to discuss the concept and he agreed that for the purpose of selling a novel, there were some markets that would not promote a book like that due to the theological differences between denomoniations. She would not want me as her editor if I had an issue with that.

That was also the reason I wouldn’t write Amish romances when my agent asked me to. “They sell!” She insisted. I told her that while I understood the popularity of Amish inspirational romances, I had a difficult time theologically with some of the Amish which can seem cultish to me. Now that I’ve learned how horrible they are with dogs in their puppy mills, the only way I’d write one would be as one exposing that kind of thing, not romanticizing that religion. I have two traumatized puppies who were going to be killed by the Amish: one didn’t produce enough pupplies and the other one they couldn’t sell. Both are sweet loving dogs who have enriched our lives and challenged us as we have navigated helping them heal from the abuses they endured.

So how does a writer navigate the wide range of denomoniations when writing a faith-based story?

  • Avoid naming any specific denomination.
  • Stay away from denominational practices that are not salvation related and potentially divisive (infant baptism, speaking in tongues to name a few).
  • Focus on the individual faith journey of the main characters sticking close to Scripture when possible even if you never cite a Bible verse.
  • Avoid promoting or glorifying any sinful behavior: drinking, murder, sex outside of marriage, swearing, drug use. That doesn’t mean those can’t be elements of a story or journey to Christ, but they cannot be viewed as desirable.

I need to also mention that authors themselves need to try to live a life that would glorify God. People are watching us and while many of the readers of my books may have never met me face to face, there are those who have, and I might meet some and have no idea that they have read my books and will be making sure I’m trying to live out the faith I write about, even if my characters are not real-life people.

There are authors who have gone astray and when it has become public, usually a more well-known person, their books have been pulled by their publisher and distributers. Not that this hasn’t happend in the Christian music industry as well.

This all goes back to my the original post where we need to be connected to other people lest we become a stumbling block, or an irritant to others. We live our lives best (and write best) when we engage in community.

It is also wise for readers to be evaluating the writing they are injesting. There are several non-fiction authors I will not read because of errors in their theology. Sure, they made lots of money and gained fame through their work, but that doesn’t mean they were theologically correct. I may not always get it right either so I’m not casting stones. We are all held accountable for how we handle the gospel that has been entrusted to us, whether we ever write a book or not. So be wise in all things and make sure you stand on the firm foundation of God’s Word in all you do.

I’ll keeping seeking to do that as well.

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part II

Aug25
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part II

As I pondered little things when it comes to fiction, my little grey cells meandered to other areas where this is important.

When the Isrealites were preparing for that first Passover they needed to clean to the degree that not a tiny piece of yeast ( a little thing) could be found in the house. I had help cleaning in the house a few weeks back, and the woman told me to be aware that there were crumbs of something in one cupboard. Maybe I had mice. We live in the country and mice are not unusual to find if traps aren’t set, however, in this instance it yeast had fallen out of a tiny hole in a packet that had been cut too close. Better than a mess left by mice, but still, a mess.

I’m not a big fan of cleaning, but this reminded me that even the tiniest sin, is still sin. A speck that can obscure your view. How often do I deep clean my own soul? We get too used to the dust in the corner, or the window sill, or in the cupboard. Over time it gets worst.

There’s a saying that we are not to stress over the little things. And in reality many little things we stress over will be insignificant in the future and we won’t remember them at all. Still, when it comes to daily life, sometimes it is the little things that are important, like confessing sin, spending time with God, paying that credit card bill, changing the oil on the car…

But how about in life? How often do we pay attention to the little things around us? I was deep cleaning in my home and amazed at how much dirt shows up in the space between window glass and screen. Ewww! My husband walks around the outside of his shop or garage always looking for nails or screws. Those little things can cause big problems if a tire hits one the wrong way.

Sin often starts out small. A tiny lie. A corner of your soul that holds on to anger and resentment. Just one video you’d never want your mother to catch you watching (not to mind God!).

What about patterns of behavior? Saying a behavior is wrong for some but not for you (hypocrisy). Being able to think critically can be important for certain tasks: medicine, police work, even editing books. While that is a great skill to have, it can be difficult to turn it off when it comes to people. Having a good work ethic is important but working so hard you avoid relationships, isn’t honoring to those who love you. Seeking to do your work perfectly is great if you’re a surgeon, but expecting perfection of others in everyday life is always going to disappoint.

I could list so many more things, mostly because I have a tendency to sin. I’m gratful for those who I love and trust who can tell me when I’ve erred. I need to speak the truth in love as well at times. I hate having to call out sin in others because I hate having to look at in in myself. True love helps those they love, even with the little things.

When it comes to sin, what little things trip you up? What might God be showing you that you need to deal with? It’s the little things that can grow to be big things.

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things, Part I

Aug18
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part I

My husband and I watch movies together and my husband delights in finding things that are wrong in a movie. Like fully leafed out green leaves covered in fake snow to illustrate a winter, Christmas season.

Tiny details can matter when writing a story and for an author it can be a challenge to keep track of them.

For instance, in my novel, Whitney’s Vow, she wore glasses, or contacts. Throughout the story I had to remember whether she had her glasses or was wearing contacts. She would take out the contacts if she had migrains which she suffered from. Throughout the story I needed to keep in mind what she could or could not see based on whether she was wearing contacts or glasses. This can be exhausting! Some authors keep a style sheet with information about each character. Sometimes I do character interviews before writing. That’s how I discovered that Katrina had a scar on her hand from a fall after climbing a tree. (Sir Michael’s Mayhem). It was funny how important that scar, and that tree, became to the story.

When an author embues a character with a quirk, whether it is clothing, a speech pattern, physical infrirmity, the author needs to keep that in mind. Or if they are injured in some way, like when Pastor Dan in Bratwurst and Bridges broke his leg skiing, that had to be top of mind when he was navigating through events in the story.

Details, even tiny ones, can be essential. Especially in a mystery. A stray piece of hair. A bit of skin under a fingernail. A small piece of glass. Even before DNA it is sometimes small clues that could link someone to a crime.

If you’ve read enough of this blog, you’ll note that there are a myriad of details that an author must pay attention to, but even so, it is sometimes the smallest of things that can make a difference in a story.

Are there any unusual or interesting details you’ve noticed in books you’ve read lately? Perhaps innocuous but still essential to the story or characters the authors penned? I’d love to hear about them.

 

 

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Myth of Unconditional Love

Aug4
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Myth of Unconditional Love

One of the cornerstones of some therapy is that people need unconditional love. The more I’ve thought about it though, it seems kind of wrong, doesn’t it?

There is no free pass with love. When my husband and I were doing premarital counseling, there was a questions we needed to answer about whether we believed anything could destroy our marriage. I said yes. Unconditional love would say no. Maybe I was more practical realizing that there are many things that can destroy a marriage. I don’t like divorce and I have no desire for that but it is naive to think that it is 100% preventable. While making a good marriage takes three (husband, wife, and the Lord), one person alone can destroy it.

Let me try to unpack this a little.

God loves us. He created us. There are many who say that because God is love there can be no Hell. Some dismiss God because of that. Unconditional love would only seek a person’s happiness and wellbeing. No strings attached.

Maybe the  difference here is there are boundaries and expectations. God’s one big desire was that we are to love Him with all our heart, mind, body, and soul. That’s a tough calling in a world where so many things pull us away to idols that cannot give us a tiny fraction of the love God has for us.

His love is unconditional in that He will always love us but He will leave us to our own devices if we spurn Him and He will allow negative consequences. Even in Scripture He intentionally brought punishment to the nation of Israel for their turning their back on Him. Are those strings?

“And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13).

That sounds like conditions.  God still loved them, but the ability to have a loving relationship with Him was damaged by the choices of the people He called to be His own.

This applies to us as well.

We often forget that God is more than love. He is holy and cannot tolerate sin. He is righteous and pure and cannot stand the taint of sin and our disobedience. He does extend grace and mercy to those who turn to Him and seek His repentance. He even gave us the Holy Spirit to enable us to do all that–as long as we seek Him.

Now we could get into the weeds of self-will and predetermination here but setting that aside, the reality is, however we seek or not seek Him, it is something He desires and we do have some responsiblity for.

I have a child that was difficult to raise and part of that was due to other circumstances beyond mental illness challenges. While he has chosen to cut off a relationship with me, I do pray for him. I love him. I’m sad that I don’t have a relationship with him. I also am relieved I don’t need to deal with his foul disrespect that is so contrary to the truths I and others tried to instill in Him from God’s Word since the day he was born. He has made a choice and I respect that choice. However, I will also not be opening my door wide should he want to return home. He is an adult and has made choices, and should circumstances change that make it hard for him to live with those choices, they will be his to deal with. While I hope and pray that someday he turns back to God, and maybe would desire a relationship with me, there will still be boundaries, as there should be in ANY relationship.

Is that unconditional love? Maybe so. I will always love him and cherish the good, funny, silly memories. I won’t regret the sacrifices I made to advocate for him and push him to be all I believed he could be. He has scorned that and has taken the easy, lazy path in life, but I doubt that will continue because those who have catered to allow him that path will someday no longer be there. I will not enable that kind of life, so coming to me for rescue at that point will be denied.

I will still love him but I recognize that allowing him to take advantage of me is not the way to win back his love or in his best interests.

God is our heavenly Father and yes, of course He loves the individual people He specifically designed and created. He also has allowed all of us to make decisions and choices to follow Him or not and He allows us to take those paths and face those consequences. There are consequences,  good and bad, to following or not following Him.

The Holy Spirit, whom He has given to be our guide will withdraw from providing comfort and leading when we are intentioanlly sinning against God, or worse, denying Him and His power. The Spirit can be grieved. Even God withdrew from Israel when they sinned and was silent allowing them to live the life they chose and face those consequences without a rescue until He deemed they were ready.

So is unconditional love a myth or reality? We can love, but to love well is to be honest, speaking the truth in love, working through conflict to resolution and restoration of relationships. Love that continues to foster sin in the guise of being unconditional love, is really not love at all because love desires what is best for the beloved, even when that means confronting them of their sin and providing consequences. Permissiveness is not love and nothing God has ever done promotes that kind of relationship.

God loves completely. It grieves His heart when people chose to abandon Him. It must break His heart when they make that decision because there is an unpardonable sin. Blaspheming the Holy Spirit, denying God’s power, and refusing to repent. It’s not that God doesn’t want that individiual to repent, however, the consequences is they cannot be in His presence or spend eternity with the Creator of the Universe.

This is just and it is right.

I had a philosophy professor tell me that he was going to challenge God to His face and be entered into Heaven. That kind of arrogance God despises and it is delusional to think that professor would prevail against the Holy Perfect Soveriegn God who created him. Unless he repents he will be seperated from God for eternity in Hell, filled with torment.

So, is love unconditional or not? I can hold love for people because of who God created them to be but that doesn’t put a rubber stamp on sin, or prevent me from calling it out. Those who love me will do the same and because of their love, tested over time, I can accept and appreciate that reproval when it comes because it comes out of love.

For many, love is the myth, never mind the unconditional part. Love is not just words but actions and it is not always a fuzzy sweet emotion. Love is expressed in a relationship, and when that relationship is severed, doesn’t love demand reconcilation? That would be a conditon, right?

I’ve kind of meandered here, but it’s my blog so I ‘m allowed to do that.

What do you think about the myth of unconditional love? Is it a myth? God’s love never fails but as for us sin-tainted humans it does. I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Author Confessions: Understanding Motives

Jul21
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: Understanding Motives

Let me start by describing what a motive is. These are deep forces within us that result in an individual to behave in certain ways. Why do they do that? That is a motive question. Motives can be physical, psychological, emotional, social, and even spiritual. It is the reason why a person does something. They can be conscious or unconscious, but I suspect sometimes the unconscious ones might be the more powerful force.

How well do you know anyone? Sometimes I am not sure I fully understand myself or my motives. Someone tried to put me down a while back for, in their minds, a bad decision I made decades ago. While I agree now that it was not a wise decision, it is over and done with. I didn’t understand myself well enough then to understand the forces that pulled me into that choice. Some of those were deep emotional needs to be wanted and loved, I thought would be satisfied. My motive? Seeking love and security.

Big fail. Decades later I wish I could help myself understand that I deserved better. The lies I’d been told by well-meaning individuals that no one would want or love me amplified those needs.

When someone commits a crime, one of the key aspects to solving the crime is the motive. A crime of passion? Larceny? Insanity? Justice?

When an author is coming up with characters for a book, we are often trying to figure out the motive behind the character’s actions. Maybe the character isn’t even aware of those forces whirling inside them.

Let’s consider briefly what might motivate any one of us, or a character in a book.

Biological Motives. These would include: hunger, thirst, sleep, avoiding pain, regulating temperature, sex drive, and maternal or paternal instincts.

Social Motives. These could include: achievement, power, connection, curiosity, aggression or desire to aquire things.

Personal. Habits, goals in life, aspirations, attributes and interests.

As I discuss motives and goals but when I worked in the field of mental health I discovered that when I was working with a client from an South Asian country, on goal setting, I ran into a problem. Their language had no word that equated with goal, motive, or purpose! That doesn’t mean it didn’t exist but it was difficult to motivate someone to grow and become independent when there wasn’t even a term in his native language for that.

Some people are definitely more driven to pursue goals than others, but what is really motivating someone can be difficult to discern simply based on an outward action.

Motives are often connected to needs, and sometimes more importantly, unmet needs. We all have needs that we need to meet. The biological motives for instance all corrolate with a need that is unmet when it becomes a motive. When I’m outside in the hot sun weeding my garden and get thirsty, I am motivated to get up and get something to drink. Need leads to motive.

We are so complex aren’t we? Of course motives can go beyond need but I believe at their core they can be connected to a needs as mentioned in last week’s post. Add to that all those dangerous emotions and it’s amazing the human race is still around. I’m joking of course, but given the complexity and depth of each human being with all their needs, wants, motives, emotions, preferences, histories, cultures, languages, giftedness, physical capablities, and personalities… it’s kind of silly when we focus on something like skin color. That should be the least of our concerns when we are seeking to have relationships.

Understanding motives, needs, and emotions, needs to start with our individual selves. The good, the bad, and the ugly parts of who we are. That needs to be addressed long before we start trying to figure out someone else. Counselors don’t ascribe emotions or motivations to people, they help them unearth them, to understand what deficit perhaps is behind the behavior which can lead to an unmet need that is motivating them. Did your head spin with that? I think mine did.

I started writing this post because I, like many people, have been accused of false motives. Even people close to me, have believed the lies instead of seeking to understand my choices and decisions. As a follower of Jesus, I try to make decisions based on what I  believe God is leading me to do, even when it runs contrary to what I might normally consider rational and sane. Yet God has always been there. When someone ascribes false motives to me it is as if there is an excuse for them to break the relationship for their own motives which I don’t know or understand or can’t even begin to guess. It flies in the face of our need for family and connection when it hits close to home.

The reality is, not all needs, met or unmet, are pure. One can be confident but one can also be arrogant. One can want property, but one can be greedy as well. And sometimes people are too fragile to accept the reality that intimacy and relationships come with challenges, perhaps accountability, and confronting sin, which might shine a light on unmet needs and bad motives. We don’t always seek to meet our needs in good ways and sometimes, if we are too self-focused, we can wound others in the process.

All of this comes in to play when writing a character in a story as well. Sometimes even our characters don’t always understand what drives them but the author brings some of that out in subtle ways.

Hopefully looking at the needs and motivations, will give you some tools to use as you try to understand why you do some of the things you do. Family patterns might play a role as well. Maybe that will be for another post but it is an entire branch of psychology and I doubt I could do it justice. For the moment, however, it is good at times to evaluate what is driving us to do the things we do. It might be a combination of things but it’s worth it to seek God and undestand that so even our unmet needs and our motivations can be submitted to Him, and growth can occur in new ways.

Maybe too, try to avoid assuming the motivations of others unless they let you in to help them understand them. I’ve said it before, people are messy. Understanding motives can help, but start with yourself.

 

 

 

 

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

Jul14
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Understanding Needs

I was surprised that I never wrote about needs as I’ve always loved Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs and find it contains easy to understand, and biblically sound ideas.

If you’re not familiar with Abraham Maslow, he was an American psychologist and he studied human motivation. It’s probably what he is most famous for. He came up with five basic needs that support the needs above them for a person to be living lives as full as possible.

Hierarchy of Needs

Physiological Needs

These needs we see even in infants. We all need to breathe. If you suffer from asthma like I do, you can appreciate that even more. When you’re hungry you realize how important that need is. Shelter is important to protect us from the hazards that can come from our environments: cold, heat, sun, snow, rain, hurricanes etc. We need clothing as well to protect our bodies. Winter coat in subzero weathers vs shorts and tank tops when it is hot. Sleep is also a need. It messes with our body and our minds when we do not get enough sleep.

Safety and Security

When we break a bone, get a disease, or even a cold, we are reminded how much our health impacts our overall well-being. We need something to do. Now in our society it seems that being online and pontificating and even bragging about not working is the norm but a well-adjusted individual needs employment. Paid or volunteer there is a built in need to contribute to something bigger than ourselves. Property is important, whether you rent or own we need a place. Even gypsy’s have property, they just take it with them. Family is one that is so in danger in our world but is a deep need God has built into us. Having social connections are also important to help us develop and be whole.

Love and Belonging

Friendships, family, intimacy and connection are again, built into us by our amazing God who wants to be in those kinds of relationships with humans. Denying the need for connections and belonging can deeply hurt an individual’s development and very existance. That is why isolation can be so hard long term in prison or for those who are held captive. The lack of connection can be devestating psychologically.

Self-Esteem

We long to be confident, to feel like we matter and that others like us. When that is denied a child, or an adult, it can be devestating. We long for respect for who God created us to be, as unique creations of a loving, and amazing God. When that is withheld it can have a horrible impact on a person’s emotional health.

Self-Actualization

We all have some version of morals, we have different levels of creativity, we desire acceptance, purpose, and to know our life has meaning. We long for the ability to make choices and take actions on our own.

Summary 

Getting our needs seems so simple in a pyramid. Due to sin it can be hard for us to find our needs met in the world around us because it often requires relationships which can be messy.

Next week I’ll be looking at how this connects with motives. Understanding human needs can go a long way to understanding ourselves which is necessary before we seek to understand others. God of course, is already there and calling us to follow Him and grow to be people who can serve Him, even if our needs here on earth are not fully met. Ane while we need these things from other humans, because He designed us for relationships, He also promises to help us with all of these as we seek His face.

Author Confessions: When Someone Is Stuck in Sin

Jul7
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: When Someone Is Stuck in Sin

After writing last week’s post, I realized that some might say that I’m glossing over sin when I talk about counseling someone. We all get stuck and when emotions run hot sometimes confronting sin is not the first thing to do in that moment.

Counseling is part skill, part knowledge, and a large part empathy and being sensitive to the moment. As a Christian with a bibilical world-view it also means weighting everything against the truths of Scripture. Confronting sin is important if one is a Christian and truly loves the person you are speaking with. This often needs to involve trust. In America, we gloss over a lot of sin, even in the church, so where do you draw the line? Much like the Pharisees, we often like make other things that aren’t sin, just as bad as sin, or emphasize certain sins over others. I don’t have space here to give examples but I can assure you I’m as guilty as anyone. You can check out this post.

Someone who is abused while engaged in prostitution has definitely been guilty of fornication or sexual immorality, but if you first focus on that sin, you’ve lost the person and any opportunity to help them. How did they get in that position? Were they vulnerable and forced? Did they feel trapped? If they don’t know Jesus, by harping on sin you’ve pushed them away. Jesus didn’t do that with the woman at the well or the woman caught in adultery. He loved and accepted them where they were at before saying anything about sin. The Holy Spirit convicts of sin and unrighteousness. Now talking about the reality of sin an help, but if we want repentance over a certain sin without looking at the bigger picture of what has happened? Talking about sin in that situation will fall flat.

If you are in a car accident, your fault or not, the last thing you want is someone handing you a present and insisting you open and accept it in that moment. No. You need the paramedics do their thing. We are human after all and when physical or emotional pain is high, we can’t always register a spiritual need as well. Now if the person is dying and they realize it – lead them to Christ in the moment if you can because they will find healing on the other side.

Confronting sin in counseling, or in relationships, doesn’t need to include condenmation. Who are we to point a finger when we all sin daily in big and small ways, and often without even realizing it? Yet it still needs to be done. Even small sinful patterns can lead to bigger ones. This can have a devestating impact on others, especially children, and trickle down for generations if not stopped.

Bible-Only Counseling

I’ve heard so many stories of how couples have been terribly wounded by a Bible-only pastor who focused on sin and decided that one person in a marriage was sinning and the other one was blameless. I’ve seen marriages destroyed by this kind of counsel and oftentimes one or both have left the church. Did they abandon Jesus? Maybe, maybe not, but the shepherds didn’t take care of their flock like they should have. Not all pastors are equipped to deal with things like: trauma, verbal, emotional, physical abuse or neglect, or a narcissistic spouse (which would indicate that counseling both people at once would be inadvisable).

If you are willing to take something for a headache, or get an antibiotic, or go to a doctor, much of that information has been discovered by general revelation. General revelation doesn’t depend on the inventor’s faith story to make it something we use. The same is true with counseling. Scripture first, definitely, but denying the general revelation that is still be discovered that can help any of us be emotionally AND spiritually healthy, should be embraced. A person can’t have true spirtual growth without emotional growth. They are intimately connected. Denying or minimizing the emotional part of who we are is to deny who God created us to be and to deny our Creator who has emotions as well. Do they rule us? No. But God often uses them for His glory.

Church wounds can be a special kind of trauma and it’s hard to know where to go when that happens because you don’t want to gossip or badmouth a bad pastor or church, nor does an individual want to tarnish the message of the cross or Christ Himself, so often they suffer in silence and are too afraid to try again.

Confronting sin should be done with much prayer and a deep inner soul searching. Living life in a community of biblically grounded individuals who understand that truth and grace need to walk hand in hand, can help. My newer SUV has a blinker to give me a cue that somone is in my blind spot. Having godly people in our lives can help us with our blind spots towards sin.

We point out sin because we love someone and we want to protect them from the harm that sin, when left unchecked, can do in their lives. We care too much to let them continue and we walk along side to encourage them on their path. We admonish and love them like we hope they will do to us. That’s why God put us in community. When someone is stuck in sin they are often also stuck emotionally and need our prayer, love and support.

 

 

Author Confessions: Relationships Are Messy

Jun9
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Relationships Are Messy

Does that statement seem more like a “duh” to you? It does to me. As an author we want to have conflict and obstacles for a relationship to face as a story progresses. We want the characters to struggle in their relationships. Kind of sad that we don’t want to read smooth, conflict-free, stories when we were initially created for that kind of life in the Garden of Eden. I can’t imagine how this will play out in heaven when conflict and struggle is all we know down here.

We all come to relationships with a history of good and bad, sometimes trauma, physical, spiritual, or emotional wounds (or all of the above). We come with a family culture that is likely unique from faith, traditions, language, and even the foods we eat. Our neigbhorhoods might be different from others. We might even dress or look different. Our finanical status will impact the quality of life we experience and the kinds of resources that are available to us.

This is why those from a similar cultural upbringing might have an easier time than those from totally foreign experiences. That doesn’t guarantee if you marry someone of the same skin tone, faith, school background and family background and even genetics, that you will be conflict free.

We are so unique in so many ways that it really is a miracle when people can get a long at all. We are emotional people as well and the way we are wired is not identical to anyone else even if you can fit in a similar Meyers-Briggs catagory. I have three close friends and we all share the same Meyer’s Briggs type – but we are still so very different from each other.

I was watching Doc Martin a while back and his wife struggled with how different Martin was but finally had to realize that there is no one who is truly “normal” and trying to completely change him without considering that she might have some flaws to iron out as well, was difficult for her to come to grips with. She finally did.

Appreciating someone for the unique person they are does not mean excusing sin or enabling destructive behaviors.

An author has to take this all into account while writing a story. Sometimes it is the quirkiest characters that people love the most. Maybe that is because all of us have some quirks and can relate to feeling different at times.

If we think any relationship is going to avoid conflict and the need to navigate difficulty, we are delusional. It is what makes stories so much fun to read, but in real life it is rarely comfortable or fun. Often when we face someone else’s personality rubbing ours the wrong way, we need to look at ourselves to figure out how much of that is them–and how much is us.

Not everyone is going to be a friend. Even so that doesn’t mean we need to be disrespectful to them, even if for our own sanity we need to avoid or limit our interactions with them. That is a tricky balancing act: preserve our emotional well-being while trying to be respectful. Boundaries can be hard to execute but we need to do that and be clear about those limits where possible. It’s OK to protect yourself in any interaction.

It’s a miracle that after traumatic pasts, both my husband and I generally get along well and enjoy each other’s company. When life is stressful, or someone is in pain, or doesn’t get enough rest, or is hangry (angry due to hunger) it can definitely complicate our interactions. It would be nice if we could all just totally get what is going on inside someone’s head, but I guarantee mine is sometimes a dumpster fire and not pretty.

So why do I bring this up? Because in our fantasies the right person in our life will make everything perfect. We deny the accomodations, the negotiations, along with everything else that goes into a relationship. We need to be real because sin has impacted every aspect of this world. It seperated us from God but can also drive a wedge in between us and people we care about. Navigating all of that takes humility, prayer, and effort.

Do you agree that relationships are messy? How do you navigate that in your own life? What kind of characters are you drawn to in fiction and how messy are their lives?

Author Confessions: Are Some Sins Worse Than Others?

Apr28
Reading Time: 7 minutes

Author Confessions: Are Some Sins Worse Than Others?

We often elevate certain sins as worse than others, even in the church. Now realize, nothing I’m saying here is to condemn anyone who struggles with issues. We all sin in some way, even if in our thoughts. I’m not exempt from that as much as I’d like to be as a follower of Christ. Even in my best efforts to honor Him I fall short on a daily basis, often without even realizing it.

In Christian fiction we try to not elevate any sin as acceptable. For instance, if a person drinks alcohol to excess, we highlight the negative consequences. My Gothic Regency novels have a statement at the beginning about how some of the drinking mentioned in the story, was a cultural thing and not intended to promote drinking or drunkenness. It was a fine line to be historically correct while not leading someone else into sin. “Well, if Marcus can drink than so can I, after all Susan M. Baganz put it in her novel. (The Virtuous Viscount).

When I started writing about dangerous emotions, I started with anger, because a pastor had preached about how it was sin. I disagree. You can check that out here: Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Anger.

The reality is, when God created the world, everything was good. There was no sin. God put Adam in headship over Eve, and that was good. Marriage was good. Nakedness was good. Sex was good. Emotions were good. Even mosqitoes were good. The fall corrupted everything, all of creation was impacted. Blood was shed and now we needed to cover our nakedness. Imagine on the Ark, all the animals. They were fed vegitation, not meat. Lions didn’t eat meat back then. All creation was originally designed for a vegitarian diet. After the flood, we were able to eat meat. Animal’s hunted, killed, and consumed prey. I’m not advocating for a vegitarian diet, just stating a biblically accurate historical fact.

Obviously killing animals for sacrifice happened before the flood as did killing other people (Cain and Abel). But no one ate meat until after the floods receded.

I digress but I think it’s important. Sin took everything wonderful and corrupted it. Everything is impacted and as generations go on, we see increases in genetic disorders, and chronic illnesses that were not as prevalent in previous generations. Now some of that might be due to environmental factors, and the food we consume, true, but still, it just shows that things move to disorganization and diease. The Second Law of Thermodynamics states that everything devolves. Now some state thht this isn’t true because the universe is not a closed system (required by that scientific law), however, there has never been any new  information added to our DNA added through natural processes, and our genetic code is devolving not evolving, hence, more physical disabilties. This occurs throughout creation, not just in human beings.

In essesence, sin impacts everything. Not just in our thoughts and behaviors, but everything from our physical well-being to weather.

If sin impacts everything, why do we consider some sinful actions worse than others? Why would a pastor condemn anger, but not addiction to caffiene? (We do serve coffee in our cafe at church). I have one friend who smokes occassionally and drinks occassionally. Her perspective is “I do not want anything like that to control me.” My husband doesn’t drink alcohol because “No one starts drinking planning to become an alcoholic.” While that is true, that does not mean people who drink (even Jesus drank wine in the Bible) are sinners. Scripture states that drinking alcoholic beverages is fine and can be beneficial in moderation. Drunkneess, however, is sin.

Moderation is not something Americans do well at. We are more of a culture of excess.

We could state that obesity is sin–but obesity can have many causes and perhaps only one of them is sin. When I was pregnant I could gain 10 lbs in two weeks without changing my diet. I’ve had Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and it didn’t matter if my thyroid was high or low, I was tired (not lazy) and gained weight, without changing diet. The problem is, although medical issues can cause weight gain, once those core issues are resolved, doesn’t mean the body lets go of all that fat. There are many other causes for weight gain than overindulgance in food. Saying that, however, does not mean that we should just eat whatever we want, just because we can. I’m guilty of not always making wise choices with food.

Our society has approved of things Scripture clearly states as sin: homosexuality, murder (including abortion), slandar, lies, wife-beating, drugs, drinking, buying favors, injustice. Now, let’s make a distinction with homosexuality as an example. One can have urges and desires and not act on those. It is the act of homosexuality that God condemns. So we can love and embrace a person who struggles with this issue without condoning a behavior.

Why do we elevate some sins over another? Suspected murders are raising money and villifying the person murdered. Lies are whipped up to convict people who don’t agree with a person’s political views even while committing the sins they are trying to charge someone else with. (Isn’t that called gaslighting?)

While I am all for justice, we have seen that perverted as sin impacts humans and their judgement. We all have our biases when it comes to everything, don’t we? How often do we evaluate those in light of Scripture?

Thinking about killing someone is the same as doing the act according to Scripture. Jesus was, as I have said, the first and greatest cognitive behavioral therapist. Thoughts, words, and actions come from our heart and what we dwell on in our minds. They are intimately connected. In many issues, the worst of sin is in our thoughts and minds.

Matthew 5:28: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Matthew 15:19: “…out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”

Matthew 22:37: “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’”

Mark 7:20-22: He [Jesus] went on: “What comes out of a person is what defiles them. For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly.

Luke 6:25: “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”

Some religions focus on big sins, i.e. murder, abortion, sex outside of marriage (adultary and fornication), homosexuality. Some make rules that have nothing to do with sin but they treat it as such: girls must have long hair and wear skirts or dresses, men must have short hair, no makeup, no listening to secular music. No going to movies or having friends who are not of the same religious sect as you are. These are all surface issues though, aren’t they? By the way, the Pharisees did this as well. Some of those sins have negative real life consequences that are more obvious. Other, “lesser” sins can just as equally scar the soul but never be seen or called out.

All sins are equally bad at the foot of the cross.

We need to be careful to judge the sin of others. Judging is another topic. A huge one and not part of today’s post.

The reality is, while we all have a sin problem, and sin contaminates everything in this world, including our thinking and our hearts, we need to be careful and evaluate ourselves before pointing out the sins of others. I have sins I am aware of, battles that go on in my mind. Some of them I verbalize to a therapist or a close friend or two, only those who love and follow Jesus. Otherwise they would not understand. See, I can mistakenly condemn myself for things that are not even sin.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind, and with all your strength.

(Matthew 22:37, Mark 12:30 also Luke 10:27 but in a different order).

All of those start with the heart. Our sin is ultimately an internal issue for each of us. What we focus on impacts that greatly. Luke 12:34: “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

So, instead of focusing on sin, perhaps we should focus on our treasure, Jesus Christ. It is only through the power of the Holy Spirit that we are able to transform any of those areas of ourselves impacted by sin: heart, mind, soul, and strength. Our behaviors flow out of that, whether good or bad. We cannot do this on our own strength. When we are focusing on loving God, and seeking Him for His active Presence in our lives, and not what He can give us or what prayers He can answer, then we have the ability to battle our sin and become transformed more and more into the likeness of Christ. Thankfully, when we submit our lives to Christ, and accept His perfect sacrifice on the cross, then we are seen by God as pure and holy as Christ is, even though on this side of Heaven we will still battle sin. We don’t do it alone.

I’m not saying we cannot talk about sin and what God calls sin in the Old and New Testaments. We should. An invisible standard isn’t a help to anyone. Even children need to know where the boundaries are. When God calls something sin it was because He is protecting us. It’s is funny to me how people will get all bent out of shape about divorce (another topic perhaps for another time) but find murder in times of war acceptable. Isn’t murder also sin? Yet King David went to war, but first killed Goliath for mocking God and demeaning His people. Jesus even said divorce was acceptable because hearts are hard. Jesus did not elevate marriage as an idol to be worshipped at the expense of the life and well-being of a wife or husband who is being verbally, physically, or emotionally abused or abandoned by a spouse whose heart is hard. (Check out this article for more). In contrast, adultery by as spouse doesn’t always mean divorce should be the go-to solution.

Why are some sins worse than others? Because it is easier to call out the things we see, the outward behaviors, in others, than it is to deal with the true issue of our own hearts. I’m not going to ask you to expose your own sins here on my blog (you won’t anyway) but maybe it’s time to take stock and spend time in His Word and savor the treasure we have in Jesus so we can be better equipped to battle the sins in our heart.