Tag Archive | trauma

Author Confessions: Flip the Script (AKA Reframing)

May19
Reading Time: 7 minutes

Author Confessions: Flip the Script (AKA Reframing)

As an author, I get to dictate how my characters tell their story which can sometimes reveal how they view the events of their past. Sometimes, even the not sharing of details can tell a lot as well as the emotions they experience attached to those events.

This is also true for us as real life human beings. However, we can learn to reframe events and consider them from a different perspective which can sometimes make difficult memories easier to bear.

Years ago, when my kids were little and the youngest was in a forward facing car seat, our car decided that after coming to a stop for a red light, on a busy road at night, that it would not move. Transmission issue. After calling the police to see if they could protect us from being hit from behind, because of course was in the middle of three lanes at that point, I called for a tow truck. When the tow truck arrived, he needed to pull our mini-van onto a flat bed trailer. The rules for the company he worked for stated that there could be no occupants. The police officer, however, insisted that it was not safe for us to evacuate three children in the middle of a busy highway. The tow truck operator relented. My kids were frightened about this little ride and I told them cheerfully, “This is an adventure!”

Apparently, I’d been trying to reframe far too many things that way because my youngest said, “I’m tired of having adventures.” Funny kid, but she was serious and scared. After we were secured on the truck, he moved us to to a bank parking lot just off the highway where we then had to empty the van of our belongings, children, and their required car seats. I think that was the most terrifying part because we were really high up at this point with not much space to step when outside of the van. I’m handing my kids down to a tow truck driver, friend, and police officer to help them off. Thankfully, we got everything out safely and transfered  to another vehicle someone brought for use while that one was being repaired. Hint: we eventually ended up purchasing a different model of mini-van that was not as prone to those transimission issues.

Was it an adventure? Sure it was, although I wonder if my kids even remember that night like I do. I wanted my kids to feel safe in a dangerous situation and unfortunately, they saw through it. I was trying to reframe a disturbing event into something fun, like a carnival ride. Didn’t work, but I tried anyway. I think the tow truck driver thought was nuts when he heard me yell that joyfully to the kids. Maybe I was. Maybe I still am!

We all have a tendency to recite stories of our past I believe we become more fixed in those stories as we age. Listen to any older person as they tell the same stories over and over again and in pretty much the same wording. The issue might be senilililty but the brain remembered something it had recited for years.

Part of psychology helps people to look at negative events differently. Sometimes as we grow older we recognize that while an event happened and we reacted to it a certain way, as we gain more information that can change our perspective. Understanding more of what drove another person to say or do things can help us not feel as victimized, which in many ways can decrease a trauma response when the past is brought into fresh light and examined.

My husband has a way of telling a story of his more recent past that concerned me and I finally told him that perhaps he could word it differently. We talked about how not everyone needed to know all those details but if the main point of his story was the ending, and what God did for him, then perhaps he should focus on that part of the story instead. Sometimes dredging up the past and reciting old hurts is a way to process trauma we don’t completely understand. However, if we understand that God used that in a powerful way, then maybe we can learn a new way to talk about that event. It has changed some of his conversations now which is a positive step for him.

I hope I’m making sense. Reframing, or flipping the script and changing the stories we tell ourselves about our past can be a part of our healing process. I think this might be why God kept telling people to mark down events that happened and recite the might acts of God on their behalf. This way they wouldn’t be so inclined to focus on the negative and be whiny complaining victims, instead of trusting a God who had done miraculous things to rescue them from slavery to the Egyptians. Songs were written and sung. There are repetitions throughout Scripture of the faith of those who believed and the faith they had in God.

We too easily fall into a victim mentality and I believe this has escalated in our current cultural climate. Too many have become spoiled, lazy, and entitled. As well as angry and vindictive. This is nothing new. The Israelites did that in the desert, defying and doubting God at every turn and then suffering the consequences of that.

I’m not saying we cannot talk about what hurts us. Life is hard we all face challenges at some level. There are highs and lows in all our lives and sometimes we have to move past hurts from our past to learn a new way to see the world–and the God who created and designed us and delights in those who come to him as Father. For a time it is good to talk a bout these things with someone who can help us view it differently.

For instance, I kept telling myself I was lazy. Then a doctor told me I had Hashimotos Disease, a Vitamin D deficiency and a few other things. I wasn’t lazy, I was sick, and those malfunctions in my body, impacted my ability to function. I’ve been in remission for a long time now which is wonderful. However, when I have a day when perhaps I don’t get as much done, I do have a wonderful husband and friends who remind me of all I do accomplish. A wise therapist said, “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for the things you do well.” Whoa.

It is part of our sinful human nature to focus on the negative. The world loves to argue and take issue with people and color individuals with a broad stroke of insults. The reality is we do this to ourselves but perhaps more subversively.

When I have a low key day, I’m learning that I need to listen to my body and trust that a slower pace, or rest, are more in line with what God wants for me that day. I don’t have a tendency to procrastinate, and to be honest, I have a lot on my plate and am juggling so much right now that I’m writing this post the day before it is scheduled to appear. That is not normal for me, but God is ultimately in control of my days and hours and if I’m seeking Him first in all things, then everything else will eventually fall into place. Tell my brain that when I’m trying to go to sleep and all of a sudden the slavedriver inside starts whipping me about a cacophany of things to be done, almost as if I should rise and do them right that moment.

But sleep is important too and without that, anything I try to do the next day is already jeopardized. So I tell the slavedriver to leave me alone and focus on breathing and drift off to sleep. 99% of the time that works anyway.

Reciting the good things God has done, and the ways He has been faithful can help. During a difficult time I asked a friend to remind me of God’s faithfulness to me. I needed to hear it said. She wouldn’t do it because she said I had no faith. I called another friend, a sweet older woman who told me all she had seen God doing in my life and told me that sometimes we need others to remind us. Scripture back this up as older people are to remind the younger of all God had done. That’s general history. How much more do we need to remind ourselves? Those things become part of our testimony of God’s work in our lives.

Someone said to me, “I can’t  believe you married him (referring to my ex-husband).” I told her, “I understand why I did, and what was going in me at that time, but it’s not worth discussing now. I am a different person today, than I was then, and those experiences changed me.” What that person considered a way to insult and demean me became useless. I’m not that person anymore and if I tried to explain it to her she likely wouldn’t understand the role she played in all that. Which is fine. It’s not something important to dwell on now, at this time in my life, when I’m married to a man who treats me with love and respect, and sincerely seeks my best interests. God rescued me and while I despaired over the delay of that rescue, now I can see that His timing was perfect and I’m grateful He helped me stay close to Him through those painful years. Those events are now in a book on a shelf in the library of my mind and I typically only pull out and recite the stories of God’s tangible presence and the ways He continually showed me He loved and cared for me even when I sometimes doubted it.

Refraiming. Flipping the script. Are there events in your life you need to revist and view from a different perspective of time and maturity?

I love these lyrics by Bob Farrell and Greg Nelson. Long Look is an older song but sometimes taking a long look can help us see things more clearly. What do you think?

I can hardly believe my feet have brought me this far
To the top of a mountain, at the edge of the stars
And I know there′s a reaon God has shown me this place
To see with new vision the journey I face
I’m a river that reels through the distance below
Winding through choices and the way I must go
I take a long look, a long look
It′s a hard climb that takes a long time
I can see where I’m going and some places I’ve been
I take a long, long look
Every summit I reach seems the highest I′ve been
With my valleys below, God renews me again
I can say my good-byes to all the struggle and tears
When I see through His eyes I′ve got nothing to fear
For joy’s there to meet me and wisdom′s my friend
My companion that helps me find purpose again

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Abandonment

Apr14
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Abandonment

Since I wrote about betrayal last week, let’s consider a sister to it: Abandonment. Abandonment is another one of those lousy emotions that can truly wound someone who trusted in an unworthy person.

The first image that comes to mind is that of a dog. We’ve probably all seen pictures of abandonded dogs. I had one rescue who had been found abandoned on a street in Texas. He was pretty old but we’re not sure how old, and he was potty trained. Cooper was a little larger than your average Lhasa Apso and was sweet and playful. He did well with our other senior dog but became the best dog when he was the only dog. Not sure why anyone would have abandoned him, I believe our love helped him forget.

Dogs can recover from abandonment fairly easily if they weren’t also abused. Obviously, Cooper was in good health and well-behaved and bonded quickly with us. You can see his joy in one of my favorite photos of him. We miss him.

Abandonment can be both emotional and physical. With dogs, it’s usually physical. But in relationships, even in a marriage, it can be emotional if one has detatched from the relationship.

The new term is probably “ghosting.” That’s when someone cuts off communication without warning. That is still abandonment if there had been some trust established. Now, in the instance of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse, no contact is a good rule to follow. However, if that is not the case it is an easy way out for one person but could be devestating for someone else.

People with Borderline Personality Disorders often have a deep fear of abandonment which can lead to them being difficult and clingy and sometimes irrationally demanding. They have a host of other issues that are combined with this, but it is an extreme that can make it hard to reciprocate a relationship. That would the dangerous part.

Healthy relationships should be reciprocal. Give and take. Not by a tally system of who owes who what, but a generosity of spirit and trust. When that is broken and the relationship suddenly ended, it can be a deep wound for the one left behind, whether it is a child or adult.

Betrayal can accompany abandonment as can be experienced in some divorces that surprise a spouse. That can leave deep wounds if they had no idea the marriage was in trouble. Or if the instigator is leaving for another person. Ouch.

Abandonment at it’s core, hurts our ability to trust another person. In milder cases, it can be a tool that helps an individual to be more choosy in who they trust and invest their time and emotion into. The dangerous extremes are when someone refuses to bond with another person ever again, or even worse, becomes so clingy they perpetuate the cycle.

The individuals that have the hardest time recovering from these wounds are children. Foster care to adoption can be a wonderful healing process but it can take a long time to learn they are worthy of love.

Abandonment can lead to self hate if the individual left behind decides it was all their fault. Of course, when any relationship ends, it is good to assess what went wrong and where you might want to change your choices of actions and words for the future. However, to pour on yourself a heap of hatred and full-blame, is never healthy.

With the dangerous emotion of abandonment, I’m going back to dogs. Learning to trust again can happen in spite of abandonment with the help of therapy. Remember, a good counselor can help or good friends to help one process the loss. I remember at the end of my first marriage someone saying to me. “Just because he couldn’t love you, doesn’t mean you’re not loveable.” All these years later I remember those powerful words. Eventually, I found someone who loved me just as I was, imperfect but perfect for him. I was (and continue to be) blessed with constant reminders of how much I’m loved. Trust was easy to build and he’s needed some of those same messages from me.

The words from the Old Testament, in Deuteronomy 31:6 should offer comfort to anyone who has experienced abandonment. “Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them. For it is the Lord your God who goes with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. (HCSB)” God will never abandon those who trust in Him.

The dangerousness in the emotion of abandonment is when the person fails to process and learn from the end of a relationship and develop a wisdom with whom to trust in the future. That can take time. I would also suggest that if you do need to end a relationship, even if the person has been horrible, it is better to let them know in some way, even if it needs to be by text or email if they are toxic, than to just ghost them.

How have you coped with the dangerous emotion of abandondment or where have you seen it leave deep wounds?

Author Confessions: Secondary Losses

Mar31
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Secondary Losses

Since I wrote about secondary gains last week I figured it was time for secondary losses.

These are the things that can accompany a significant loss.

For instance, when a person is widowed, they lose their spouse, the person most important to them in the world. However, they might also lose some relationships who are couples that the man and wife used to connect with. They might lose financial security that spouse provided. The might lose a caregiver if that was a role the deceased spouse took in the relationship. That is a secondary loss. Relationships change. Their entire life is changed. That is why they often suggest a widow or widower not sell their house that first year because they are too vulnerable and might be taken advantage of. Eventually the memories can become a comfort instead of a reminder of deep pain.

A child of a deceased parent might also suffer secondary losses: the lack of time they had hoped to experience things with that individual, the lack of opportunity to learn from them, and in many instances, the lack of time to restore a broken relationship.

This is also true of divorce where people feel they need to choose sides. There a financial loss but they may lose their home, financial stability, relationships with their children (depending on age and who gets primary placement), friendships, and the connection they may have had with the ex’s family. Divorce is always painful and difficult but it also has gains as well: freedom to heal if there was abuse.

Losing a baby due to miscarriage is a horrible thing to live through, but it is more the loss of the hopes and dreams that were held by the parent that makes the grief more difficult to bear.

Losing an infant or an older child is equally gut-wrenching. The secondary losses though are the change in the home missing that individual, the change in relationships as everyone goes through the grieving process but everyone’s grief is unique, and also the loss of all the hopes and dreams that parent had for that child, including the death of the dreams that child had for him or herself.

When a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness, there is the looming loss for that individual as well as the family. But there are other losses as well: hopes and dreams of growing old together, perhaps missing significant events they looked forward to (a child or grandchild’s graduation or wedding), financial stability as medical bills take their toll, the inability for the relationship to be as reciprocal, the distancing of some who don’t know how to deal with it. That’s just a few possible secondary losses.

A friend got help for her husband with dementia as she could no longer care for him at home. Loss – dementia. Gain – help and a safe place to live. Secondary loss – her housing told her that since there were no longer two people in that residence, she would need to move.

Often times we can take changes in stride but it is worth acknowledging the complexity. When someone suffers a loss, whether yourself or someone else, keep in mind that there is more than one thing they are losing.

An individual who has suffered trauma, loses perhaps even the control of when that will hit them again. They might lose their innocence. They might become helpless in the face of strong physical or emotional pain. It is easy to stay hidden from the world to avoid that, but ultimately that produces even more losses. It is exciting that there are now more trauma-centered therapies that can help people process through that. The trauma will probably never go away, but the individual’s ability to live a life in spite of that will greatly improve which can come with many gains. (I explore that in the book: Operation: Skirmish)

With secondary gains, there is an incentive emotionally for an individual to remain stuck. This could happen with losses as well as getting attention for that loss can keep an individual stuck in their grief. Telling them to “get over it and move on,” will only cause them to dig in deeper to that victim mentality.

What about when something good happens? Major life changes do not happen in a vacuum.

A man gets a promotion with great insurance and benefits. That might result in loss of the relationships he’d developed in his current position. If it involves a move, the entire family, while gaining more financial security, might lose the connections they had at work, school, or church.

We so often focus on one thing, but any significant change in our lives has a ripple effect and some of that is positive and some of it is sad.

The birth of a child is a wonderful thing but it comes with a loss as well, loss of freedom, sleep, space, and finances. It also changes the marriage (if the parents are together) for better or worse.

No matter what we face in life, we have an opportunity to feel all the emotions but even if we need help with that, we can move past it and avoid the victim mentality.

Where have you perhaps overlooked secondary losses in your life? What secondary losses surprised you?

Oliver’s Opinion: Love’s Gift (Book Review)

Mar7
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Oliver’s Opinion: Love’s Gift (Book Review)

My mom told me that there is a rogue dog in this Penelope Marzec’s latest novel, Love’s Gift. This dog loves to eat flowers. I’m not sure why because flowers don’t seem that appealing to me. Having said that, a book with a dog in it is always aces in my opinion!

I learned something new reading this historical novel set in 1903 in the United States. There was a Chinese Exclusion Act that President Chester A. Arthur signed in 1882 that forbid the immigration of Chinese laborers. It was the only law that ever excluded one ethnic or national group from coming here.

The main character of this book, Amaranth, is of Chinese origin but born in the United States. Because of this law, however, she lives in fear of being deported to a country with a culture and language foriegn to her. She was raised by nuns as she had been abandoned at birth. Now as a young adult she’s stepping out into the real world to face the discrimination and trying to have a job to support herself in the midst of strong bigotry against anyone Asian.

Amaranth is hired by Mrs. Tildon of Sea Haven, New Jersey, as a secretary. She soon discovers there are deep secrets in this family including a rude maid who is never fired for her words or behavior, a degenerate father, a brother who appears out of nowhere, and the oldest son, William who is obsessed with helping his mother’s asthma and concerned about status.

A lot of things go wrong as Mrs. Tildon, a leader of a suffragete movement, is vilified and other tragedies occur. Amaranth holds to the faith she was raised with in spite of it all and prays for this family she is now a part of, even if only as an employee. Can God heal the divisions in this family? You’ll have to read the book to find out!

The sweet dog, named Tulip, isn’t a horrible dog, but a sweet one. I won’t tell you what happens with her but I loved her character in the book.

I highly recommend this historical novella. It is timely given the current discussions and debates over immigration and the fears that some might have about being deported even if they were born and have lived her all their lives. While that fear may not be rooted in truth now (and yes, some might debate me on that, but remember, I’m a dog), it gives the reader a sense of what that might be like but also how faith can preserve even in the midst of real and imagined fears. I recommend Love’s Gift and give it five bones, because I’m a dog and I don’t have thumbs.

This is me, Oliver, keeping watch so my mom can read these great books (and write awesome ones as well!) It’s what dogs do.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Grief

Feb17
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Grief

I mentioned last week in my post on the dangerous emotion of love that those who love deeply, feeling a depth of affection for someone, grieve deeply.

Grief, as opposed to love, is that not so good feeling that can weigh us down. It can combine regrets, anger, and even in some cases relief.

Relief? When there is a long illness and a lot of medical issues, doctor appointments, bills, or difficult decisions, then the end of those challenges along with the end of the suffering of a person we love, can result in relief. We still grieve as we miss them terribly but then wishing them to remain while in such depths of suffering is ultimately selfish, isn’t it? Not that we want to hasten death, but when it finally comes it is almost a welcome end for that individual who has suffered. And for those who suffered alongside them.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross defined five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are not necessarily linear going in order, nor do they have a time frame. The dangerous part is when someone gets stuck in the first four parts. Even with acceptance there is sorrow, sometimes deep gut-wrenching sorrow, but the individual can resume life without that person even though they will forever be missed and remembered. If you or someone you know is struggling with grief,  Grief Share is a powerful  ministry that helps people process their grief and loss so that they can move forward in life.

We can grieve more than just the death of an individual whether it be a spouse, child, grandparent, friend… We can grieve lost dreams, a pet, our health, a home, a break-up of a relationship that was dear to us, painful trauma from the past, the loss of innocence, and even our own sin. 2 Corinthians 7:10 states: “For godly grief produces a repentance not to be regretted and leading to salvation, but worldly grief produces death.”

Grief is a healthy emotion when we allow ourselves to express that through tears and talking about memories or regrets. It becomes dangerous when we try to numb the grief with alcohol, drugs, food, or sex, or perhaps something else. They are only temporary bandaids. Grief might expose other issues that need to be deal with like family-of-origin issues, abandonment, and coming to terms with our own mortality.

Grief can be held on to almost as a comfort as one might forget the person lost, or fear they will be dishonoring them by moving on with life. Choosing to be a victim of grief can be deblitating socially as well as emotionally, especially if the person was perhaps co-dependent on the one now gone. It can deeply wound a sense of identity and that may require counseling to wrestle through and define a new way of moving forward in life.

Grief can be dangerous when accompanied by trauma as well. Again, therpy, especially trauma-based therapy, might prove helpful.

Grief is complex and I am only giving a cursory glance at it here. If it is something you or someone you know are struggling with, get connected wtih Grief Share or a therapist who can help you move forward.

Those who have faith in Jesus will still grieve. Even Jesus wept at Lazarus’s grave, but was that for Lazarus or for those surrounding him who were grieving because they failed to see the Savior in their midst? 1 Thessalonians 4:13 states: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope.”

Whether we lose a person, a relationship or anything else, if we get stuck in grief we are failing to look to the Creator and Sustainer of life Who is always orchestrating everything according to His perfect will. Our suffering is temporary and no loss is without a greater purpose in His plans for us. 2 Corinthians 1:4 states: “He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” Now I confess that when I was in deeply painful situation that verse did not offer me comfort. Having said that, I have seen God use others and myself move past grief to purpose and multiple opportunities to be there to support others as they go through suffering.

Grief is a healthy emotion when expressed and worked through, often with some help and comfort from others. There is hope for those who walk with Jesus as the Holy Spirit is a comforter to us in our sorrows. The dangerous emotion of grief occurs when an individual gets stuck there, stuffs their emotions down, or self-medicates to forget. How have you dealt with grief? Have you struggled with this? What helped you most?

I explored the dangerous emotion of grief in my book Bratwurst and Bridges. 

Minnie’s Remarks: I’ll be Gnome for Christmas (Book Review)

Oct25
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Hi, I’m Oliver’s smaller but older sister, Minnie, as in Minnie Pearl, because the foster family had named me Dolly Parton and no offense to Dolly, they thought my petiteness needed to be mentioned every time they talk to me. Humans are odd, but I love my life with them, much better than the Amish puppy mill where I lived for three years. Now I get sunshine, snuggles, toys I’m learning to play with, and a buddy in Ollie, who like any brother, can be a pain, but I let him know in no uncertain terms when he crosses the line.

Mom asked me to review her latest Christmas novella, I’ll be Gnome for Christmas, a whimsical inspirational romance. She wrote it before I came to the house but she let me look at the story when she was making corrections during editing and I gotta say, there’s some funny names in this story which lighten the emotional weight of struggles the two main characters carry.

Gigget Wicket is a widow with two young children and she carries shame from her husband’s infidelities. Not only was he a cad, he left her high and dry when he died which was rude. She’s barely making it and isn’t looking for a new man to love because she fears part of the problem was that she was unworthy. She clings to faith in God and good friends and works hard to make ends meet, even selling produce at the local Farmer’s Market in town.

Bingle Twinkle was left high and dry when his wife decided she preferred his then-best friend. Losing a wife meant losing his dream for a happy family. Between factory work and serving in the Army National Guard, he keeps himself so busy that usually he doesn’ t have time to experience the loneliness. But when he runs into Gigget and her two little gnomes at the Farmer’s Market, sparks fly between them.

Gigget’ s children, Djoni and Amoretta really like Bingle and his way of diffusing a hostile man without raising a fist. They are praying for a dad who’ ll make them and their mother happy. With the holidays approaching, could a Christmas miracle be in the works?

This book entails real life mixed with wit and whimsy and a touch of dreams really do come true. Buy it for me mom and leave her a nice review so I can get more bully sticks since Oliver keeps stealing mine. I’ll give this book five bones so go buy I’ll be Gnome for Christmas, you’ll be glad you did.

You can listen to my mom talk about this book here:

Author Confession: Listen more than You Speak

Jul22
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confession: Listen more than You Speak

This is a difficult thing for many of us to do, me included. My husband and I were at an anniversary event and many there were deaf and using sign language to communicate. My husband is pretty good at signing his conversations, but admitted to one hearing interpreter that he can speak sign better than read it. I quipped that he has a hard time with that when it comes to talking and listening as well. Me? Well, I could only watch unless someone translated any of it for me.

My husband was surprised but the woman responded: “Preach it.” My husband is quite a talker. Maybe it’s the yougest son, clown aspect of his extraverted personality. He processes everything out loud. It’s the way he solves problems, by talking them out. I never have to wonder what he’s thinking! He is getting better at listening as well.

Most psychology theorists would say that personality is fairly stable, but I used to to be much more like my sweet hubby. I would talk a lot. I could relate anything you said into a story of my own. Perhaps not the best social practice, however, but I think I had a desperate need to be heard and understood. Years of verbal/emotional and other abuses, however, tempered that part of my personality. I became an author and more introverted. My training in Counseling Psychology also trained me how to listen, and ask questions to help others.

There is an axiom out there: God gave us two ears to listen and one mouth to speak so use your ears more than your mouth.

This could also be applied to our converstations with God. We often want to fill up that time with our thoughts, wishes, prayer requests, praises but how often are we good at just sitting and listening to Him? It’s harder in many ways than to do that with another person. I struggle to do this. My brain is pretty easily distracted.

I think there is a depth of comfort that must exist between two people, of trust and love, when the spaces between words can be long. Where silence hangs there not in a threatening way, but in comfort and peace. When my husband and I take long car rides we don’t often listen to music. Some of that is because it intereferes with attending to conversation, but also we have some distinctively different preferences in musical styles, with mine being far broader. It is not uncommon for us to sit for miles and miles in silence. I’ve managed to do writing on trips like this and he’s managed (when I’m driving) to make out notes and phone calls for projects he’s working on. Sometimes when I’m writing on my laptop, he will be driving and silently praying as he is a faithful intercessor for many.

Maybe being an author has made the listening a little easier. Don’t get me wrong. In the right situation and some of my favorite topics I can become a chatty Cathy. Given that I prefer more in-depth conversations with those in my inner circle, it can be more challenging for me to step out of my comfort zone to talk to people I don’t know in a more superficial setting. I almost have to psych myself into that, but when I do I try to find a way in to the conversation and make it about the other person. I’ve heard many wonderful stories that way and have been able to encourage others. As much as my husband or I want to be seen and known, so do  most other people, and they are also waiting for someone to care enough to listen to them.

As an author, that is a gold mine of ideas and concepts and story lines. It helps me explore heartbreak and joys or challenges that I’d never understood before.

Proverbs 1:5 says: “A wise man will listen and increase his learning, and a discerning man will obtain guidance.” Listening, being fully present with someone, takes effort and work. In our rushed, social media society, that is a hard discipline to learn and practice. Maybe getting older, and a little trauma, has made that easier for me, but to be honest, sometimes I’m too self-centered or lazy to make that effort with someone I’m not well acquainted with. Any time I make that effort, I’m rewarded with knowing I showed kindness to someone and I always learn something new and who knows when or where that will show up in one of my stories.

So this is a reminder to me and maybe to you as well if you struggle with this. Today, try to listen more than you speak and see what happens. You might be surprised at the treasures you’ll unearth in the process and the impact you might have on someone’s life.

Author Confessions: Too Much Trauma

Jun17
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Too Much Trauma

I was pondering how we use tragedies, setback, unfortunate incidents to move a story along. No one wants to read a story about someone whose life is going along great and they have everything they need materially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s odd to think that heaven will have none of those things and while we don’t like the trials that come our way, some of our own making perhaps, we do (hopefully!) grow through them in real life.

The same is true for characters in a book. They have to face challenges and grow or the reader won’t want to read the story. Maybe it’s cathartic for the reader (and it can be for the author) to witness, on a page, someone triumphing over difficulties.

But there can be too much trauma and it can be a balancing act about how much we show the reader about the difficulties a character may face. When I had to write the prologue for Pesto and Potholes because my Editor-in-chief insisted, it should have come with a trigger warning. It was hard to write. There is another scene earlier in the story where my character faces and attempted rape that I had to walk that carefully as well. How to be descriptive and let the reader feel the terror and pain without overwhelming them. It was hard to do.

I was thinking the other day that no one is writing stories about Covid-19. Maybe that’s too close and too universal. Maybe because opinions can be polarizing: vaccinated or unvaccinated. Emotions in this country (and perhaps around the world) ran high and opinions on treatment, masking, social distancing, closing schools, churches, and businesses, are still debated. The trauma is still experienced by many whether they had Covid or not. Too much trauma? Or just too difficult to write a story that would rise above all that? My guess is it is a little of both. Maybe forty years from now someone will write a historical novel about it when we are all far enough removed? But I for one, have no wish to write a novel that deals specifically with that. Could it appear as a side note? Sure, but not center stage.

The reality is many of us suffer from various traumas in our lives. Some are so severe they develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or Dissociative Disorder. There is a newer term called Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder that can encompass more long-term trauma but as of now it isn’t recognized by the American Psychological Association. However, there are a variety of doctors who have been lobbying for it to be included and there are countless books on the subject. I’ve tried reading a few but even that can be triggering so I need to go slow due to my own undiagnosed (because it isn’t valid on medical forms) cPTSD.

There have been some books I’ve edited that could have been triggering and some I’ve struggled with, not because the author didn’t do a good job, or I didn’t like the story, only because it hit too close to my own experience. I had someone who read an early version of Pesto and Potholes who got angry. Why? “How did you know my life story?” I didn’t. She was happy with the final product though and is one of my biggest fans as an author, and a dear sister in Christ who I see often at church. I’m grateful God could use it in a positive way and while I wouldn’t wish a reader pain in reading a story, I’m happy that the way I dealt with it satisfied her. That was a pretty high bar to reach.

There’s a popular phrase that God will never give us more than we can bear. That’s a lie. He often allows too much trauma so we can depend on Him. So too, our characters might face difficulties but the balancing act as an author is to make sure it’s not too much. Sometimes reality is stranger and much more difficult than fiction. I wonder if Job had been written more from a third person point of view of Job (and maybe his wife) we might feel the depth of pain and  loss at a level that would be too difficult to read. He lost all of his kids. Done. No funeral mentioned, just tragedy upon tragedy. But I imagine the depth of grief was the worst of everything he endured. Remembering their births, moments of fun and play, the last time they talked, their dreams, his hopes for grandchildren that would never be. Fast forward and God gave him more  children. Can you imagine? All his kids were adults from what we can discern, then everything is restored but him and his wife go through pregnancy, birth, and raising an entirely new LARGE family! I’m exhausted just thinking about it!

As an author who loves Jesus, I always hope to bring the hope of Christ to every story, no matter what the trauma. Not necessarily “in-your-face” kind of hope but that undergirding strength and encouragement that the Holy Spirit gives us to endure and overcome the challenges in our lives.

When I sign books I always cite James 1:17 which states: Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. This verse comes after James has talked about trials, difficulties, and temptations and asks us to consider it joy. JOY? That something is gut-wrenchingly heart-stoppingly painful? Somewhere in the midst of our pain there is a gift that God is birthing and James wants to remind us of that. I also sign my books with You are a gift. We can’t forget that God created each person with a purpose to bring glory to Himself but also to serve a purpose in the lives of others in this world.

Trauma. Joy. We can have too much trauma in life and in books but hopefully the love and presence of Christ through His Holy Spirit will get us through to the gifts awaiting us on the other side.

Author Confessions: Digging Deep Into Pain

Mar4
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Digging Deep Into Pain

When was co-authoring books with my friend DeeDee Lake she would sometimes tell me, “When you write this character think of how you experience this ____________.” She would refer to something I’ve gone through or might still be going through in my own personal emotional or spiritual growth.

That can be incredibly hard to write. To write characters with depth, the author needs to dig deep. Even if I haven’t experienced something personally, I have to try to tap into that character’s emotions. What would he or she be experiencing.

In one of my first versions of a novel, an editor in a critique session told me, “I don’t feel like you love this character.”

Whoa.

When the author empathizes and cares about the character they are writing, it translates onto the page.  This is partly why my characters become so real to me and if you engage me in a conversation about a character in one of my books, I’ll be talking about them as if they are real people.

I need to empathize with the character and their struggles. Translated: I must feel what they feel to write that experience.

I do love to write but it can be challenging to write with that kind of emotional depth. In some ways it’s easier if it isn’t something I’ve personally experienced. But if it is, then writing about a character’s trauma or struggle can trigger those parts of myself that haven’t fully healed yet from my own challenges in that area.

There are also times when I’ve written, and issues arise on the page that I wasn’t planning on but they mirror something going on in my own personal life. Not necessarily identical, but enough that I can struggle to work through it. In that way, fiction can be cathartic. I’m not saying that writing about my own emotional issues or injuries has fully healed my own trauma, but the process has given me a greater understanding of myself.

I’ve had books that I’ve struggled to edit because they’ve touched a nerve with me. And maybe that’s a good thing. If I’m bothered but can help that author tell their story well, then maybe other people can either learn from my pain and the character’s pain, or the reader might develop empathy for those who have gone through that experience.

Putting it bluntly, I don’t take the emotional or spiritual journey of my characters lightly. I feel that journey and experience it with them. I can make it hard to write at times because I don’t always know how they’ll emerge from those darker places. Because I haven’t managed to do it myself yet. Or the wounds are fresh.

In the end I hope when I dig deep into pain, the words I write will resonate with the reader and they will go through that journey rooting for my character and celebrating when they get some measure of healing on the way, or a resolution to a difficult situation.

Maybe then the reader can experience that uplifting feeling of hope that they can also come through whatever life hands them and be better for it.

Quirks

Jan15
Reading Time: 3 minutes

The other night, my husband and I were reading through a devotional Bible and it asked a question about putting up with the idiosyncracies of your spouse. We chuckled. When he saw one photo of me in my bio in an online dating sight before we’d met in person, he thought I was wacky.

I joke it was truth in advertising. 

I’m weird. I embrace that. Normal, typical are not words that define me or my life. 

During our wedding the pastor who had known me for many years mentioned that I was quirky and Ben would have to deal with that.

My man, for all his past business successes, is a goofball. He loves to joke around and make people smile. He makes me laugh every day. Sometimes the jokes are corny. “If you want better jokes, you have to pay better,” is his response. The silliness that emerges from him often amazes us both and continues to give us each joy in our days even when circumstances are difficult.

Both of us has past trauma from previous relationships. It’s not uncommon for my husband to ask, “Why do you treat me so well?” He’s not used to being affirmed, welcomed home warmly, and encouraged in his many endeavors, and to be listened to as he explains his plans. Much of that I don’t fully comprehend but I do try. Sometimes, rarely, I even come up with suggestions that help propel him forward. Score one for the wife! 

My response to him is this: “If I ever get annoyed with you I step back and remember, this is who God made you to be. If I have a problem with that, the issue is me, not you.” Quirks and all I need to embrace who he is completely. Now, when he crosses a line I tell him. When he does something he thinks is playful and it hurts me, or offends me, I let him know. He may not have actually even done anything wrong, but due to my own past wounds sometimes I can get triggered. Ah the side-effects of abuse. 

The great thing is, when I do this, he changes his behavior. There are certain words we don’t use in our home because they cause hurt. They are not necessarily bad words in and of themselves. There are things he’s done that have unintentionally hurt me and I’ve let him know and he respects that. 

He has also let me know when I unintentionally let him down, that there was a need I didn’t perceive and failed to meet. Sometimes he comes home and is busy in the garage with a project. Instead of coming out to check on him I’ll just wait for him to come inside for dinner. He’d like me to check in on him. I’m somewhat lazy at times and don’t want to put on shoes or a coat (we live in Wisconsin and it is now winter) to be heading out there. Now, I try to pop in more. I always figured I might be bothering him or getting in the way of a project. But that’s a holdover from my own past. He’s never snapped at me for coming into the garage to see what he’s doing. He’s always been happy to see me and usually to explain what he’s working on. He may be an adult and retired, but he still likes an ataboy now and then. 

Don’t we all? 

When I feel like I’ve not lived up to some invisible standard in my mind, he affirms how much he admires the work I do even though it is often with a computer or words on a page. He works with his hands and gets dirty. He’s always creating something with metal that is functional and usually from scraps, which  becomes something usable and valuable. He was surprised one day when I told him I was amazed at how creative he is! He never thought of himself as creative. It may not be decorative but he solves problems and isn’t afraid of the hard work to get to the end result. That perseverance is impressive to me. He threatens to get a go-pro to video him working on projects. I think it would be great, but I already have way too much to do to be adding editing his videos for him! He’s not terribly tech-saavy. 

So what are your quirks? How do you handle the quirks of others? Can you embrace them as part of their uniqueness? It’s not always easy and sometimes the yuck from our own past gets in the way of being able to celebrate that part of someone, but it can help us understand, accept, and even love them better when we do.