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Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part II

Jun8
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part II

If you haven’t read last week’s post, you might want to do that before you read this one.

What about other aspects of personality? Can people change if they have a personalitly disorder? How about narcissism? When I first began to understand this personality disorder it seemed like this was something people can’t control about themselves. Yet one author speaks about those who are abusive in this way as being very aware and calculating? Can they change? Can someone who gaslights as easily as drinking their morning cup of coffee, suddenly stop?

Modern psychology would say no, but some would say that with long-term counseling a person could change their behavior even if the core issues are not erased. As a Christian though, I hope that God could change anyone. God doesn’t force people to change and sometimes even trauma for someone with a personalitiy disorder, will only cause them to dig in deeper or amplify their grandiosity or paranoia.

We live in a world impacted by sin. We all have sinful tendencies and our physical bodies, even our genetics is touched by this as well as our family dynamics, and the events that impact us as we grow up.

Can God save someone like this? I would love to think it could be true. God can use anyone for His purposes and glory whether they bend their knee to Him or not. (Pharoah in Egypt is an example).

I’m not writing this to point fingers, or to call anyone irredeemable or conversely to say we need to have compassion and not enforce consequences on those who commit sin, whether big or small. All sin has consequences but obviously some are more far reaching than others and God, realizing this, gave us laws that are written on our hearts, to follow.

How does this impact writing? Some characters, usually not the main ones in a story, might not change from their dysfunctional behaviors. A good author shows the main characters maturing as the story progresses, as cirumstances challenge long-held beliefs, or challenges cause them to learn a new way to deal with life. They may discover something new about faith, or about God and His character, that modifies their goals and behavior.

I learned early on when I was counseling, that people who came to their appointments and talked about their issues, were more likely to grow. Those who cancelled or just didn’t show up–didn’t. I prefered to work with those who were motivated to engage in the work. Did that mean all of them grew? No. One day a client didn’t show and was unreachable. She had killed herself. Nothing in our times together or in recent historical notes ever indicated any suicidal ideation or plan. We had to dig back through years of notes to discover it had been an issue long ago. This person went through the motions but the realilty is, as she began to feel better, she had the energy to act on those long buried desires. At her funeral, someone read from a journal I had asked her to keep. A journal of all she was grateful for.

It was a gut punch. Something designed to help her reframe her life and find hope and meaning in the midst of chronic mental illness, did just the opposite. Her journal, however, gave her family a sense of peace. Had she really changed? Not at the core of who she was, but on the surface she did. It was all a smokescreen. Some people can be great at pretending.

And that’s the challenge in real life, isn’t it? Is the change real? Can it be trusted? And to what degree does a person in a relationship with someone who has been engaging in some sinful practice, learn to trust that the change is real? Whether it is pornography, adultery, gambling, alcoholism, lying, emotional/verbal/physical abuse or neglect, when does someone trust that a person truly has changed? And does trust mean that the relationship can be maintained or is distance required?

Can people change? Stay tuned as I’ll explore this further next week.

 

Author Confessions: Can People Change? Part I

Jun1
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Can People Change?

It wasn’t too long after I started writing that I realized that seeing a character change through a story, is essential. Changing spiritually, whether coming to faith or growin in the faith (sanctification) is important to me. Emotional change is also essential. One can’t truly mature spirtually unless they grow emotionally as well. If one happens and not the other they are not fully growing in the character of Christ.

Can people change? Some would say that personality cannot change. While it is true that much of who we are is more hard-wired into us, I do believe there can be modificatons to our personality. For instance, if you look at the Meyers-Briggs Personality Test, there are four areas of measurement that are on a continuum of extremes. For instance: Introverted or Extroverted scale which is probably the easiest to understand. Some people might appear shy but not talking much is not necessarily a sign of being an introvert. It’s where you get your energy – from being with people or alone.

So how can something that seems so foundational–change? Someone who is extroverted who is verbally abused and silenced might learn to bury their toughts instead of processing them out loud. Being denied much interaction with others where they draw their energy can also mute some of that. Essentially, trauma can modify personality.

When the trauma is removed, the brain (and the body) struggles to recognize things are safe and for those aspects of personality to emerge. They might never fully be expressed again in the way they had been.

Over the past few months I’ve been reading books that talk about the neuroplasticity of the brain and rewiring of that. Retraining the brain takes time, especially after trauma, but obviously trauma itself can do it as well.

So can people change? To some degree, they can. Stay tuned for next week as I explore this further!

 

Author Confessions: Remembering the Dead

May25
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Remembering the Dead

I never served in the military but my paternal grandfather did. Years ago, with the permission of my grandmother, I retyped and published a small book of my Grandpa’s writings from WWII where he served in India.

You can find the book here: Journey to Lekhipani: A G.I.’s Experiences in WWII. It is a short read and I’ve priced it as low as I possibly can. I’m not making money off of this book.

I’d like to think I got some of the writing gene from my grandpa, James B. Pollard. Until I read his writings I knew him as the kind man who would find ping pong balls for us when we would lose them in the basement of their house, or who helped me get behind-the-wheel hours, and then tried to talk my dad in to buying the car he was selling so I would have it! (My dad declined).

Reading his writings though reminded me that he, and the majority of those who served in WWII, were quite young, and in some ways immature. Not necessarily my grandfather who was already married and had two kids by the time he deployed. I wanted the book published so my kids, and grandkids and others would be able to understand the complex man he was, an some of what he went through which is only one little window into one life in wartime.

My grandmother couldn’t bear to talk about that period of time and never saved any of the letters she wrote him or he wrote to her. These writings were never mailed because he could be honest about troop movements and locations which could not be shared at that time. I still want to see a troop ship someday based on his description, the enormity of it is beyond my brain’s ability to grasp.

I still miss my grandpa. My grandmother and my father are now gone as well. Still, this Memorial Day, I remember him, and all those who have served. Especially those who died while serving, whether in the Revolutionary war or the current conflicts going on around the globe. That’s what today is for.

Of course, I will still thank any veteran (and their wife!) for their service if I come upon them. It is only right to do so. The life I have the privilege to live, worship, create, and build, here in the United States of America, is because of them.

Have a wonderful Memorial Day, and remember the dead who gave you the freedom to picnic, play, work, worship, and speak freely even if you disagree with the people who we vote (freely) to administer the gift that is our nation. It came at a high price and preserving it is still worth dying for.

Author Confessions: The Blank Page

May18
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Blank Page

One of the biggest challenges for an author is exactly what I faced when I sat down at my laptop to write this post. The Blank Page. 

All that white can be intimidating, or all that black if you write in dark mode (black background and white letters which can be kinder to the eyes). That’s why even in real life, a blank wall in a house is calling for decoration. When we moved into our tiny apartment while building a house, I determined that I would only put one hole in the wall, and that was for the clock we are conditioned to look to to check the time. I’ve kept to to that. But the white walls bother me and seem so–sterile.

It’s probably why we can’t seem to keep any surface from also having things one it, whether it is a decoration on the dining room table, or all the stuff we drop on it when we get home.

There is something in the human condition that rebells against that stark emptiness. Probably because God created us for beauty and color. Texture and depth. But we also need space and emptiness.

The blank page is too much emptiness, just as a lot of walls with no color, design, or decoration. Too much, however, becomes clutter. My documents in my word processor are automatically set for a one inch margin. When I write I usually have double spaced as well, especially when writing a story. Filling a blank space is good but too much is difficult for the brain to process.

The beauty of writing in this day and age is editing, deleting, can be done with minimal effort. I was working on edits the other day and slashed over 3,000 words from a novella. For comparison this post has 775 words. That’s a lot of words! The stuff I deleted will make the story better according to my editors and I agree with them. I printed it out without the removed words so I can read it again and make sure I didn’t make any other mistakes. No rewriting by hand. Technology can be such a blessing.

When writers start writing, however, it can be a daunting thing to look at the blank page. Sure we can put in the capter number, a header and insert page numbers, but those things do not make a story come to life. Neither do the margins, although lack of them can be bothersome for a reader.

There is such a thing as free-form writing where the author writes whatever comes to mind. Any thought. Journalling can be like this where the blank page becomes filled with all the random thoughts that occupy it. Sometimes getting those things out clears the clutter for the good stuff that make up a text: sentences and paragraphs a reader might want to read.

I journal on a daily basis and sometimes it’s brief and short. I have an audio diary that I will often speak into on my phone where I can just ramble (I talk like I’m talking to God) about whatever is on my heart. It goes faster as not every thought that crosses my mind is something my husband or friends might want to listen to. But if it is on my heart then I figure God doesn’t mind hearing it.

The blank page can be hard for authors but the reality is this: You can’t edit a blank page. With modern technology writings can be saved in other documents to be used for a later time, or forgotten which is more likely to happen to me. We can easily delete. Even writing a blog I have started some that sat in draft mode for a while before I finally decided they weren’t worth sharing with the world wide web, or whomever visits my blog.

Do you want to write? Then write. Don’t worry about the rules, you can learn those later. No matter what your age, we are in a world where re-writes are so much easier. I remember grade school and high school–before computers–and all the paper crumpled up on the floor. Don’t let the blank page intimidate you into pouring out your thoughts and ideas on paper. Even if no one else sees it, writing is beneficial. My journaling is with pen and paper. The audio journal is digital. Thankfully, word processing has made writing books easier than ever.

So whether you’re writing a letter to a friend, a thank you note, a prayer, or the next best-selling novel, write. Don’t let the blank page win.

 

Author Confessions: Great Connections

May11
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: Great Connections

When we moved and started attending a new church, it initially felt overwhelming. Our church is welcoming so we enjoyed attending but developing relationships takes more effort. I don’t want just people who know me, I want great connections.

Have worked at other churches over the years I’m aware that a church can provide all kinds of opportunities for people to connect but a newcomer has to make an effort as well. This church makes it easier.

When I walked into a huge room full of women at my first time to a study at our new church, one of the leaders suggested I look for someone who had the same color nametag as mine and introduce myself. Simple suggestion but even smart people don’t always think of something that easy. (wait? Did I just call myself smart? oops!). I did what was suggested and sat next to a woman who was also new and had prayed asking God to bring her one friend. Every week after study we would stand around and talk for an hour more about all kinds of things!

God answered her prayer, the one I didn’t even think to pray for. Both of us are new to the area and the church. We have very different backgrounds but we share the same faith in Jesus and have some similar struggles. She’s been a wealth of helpful hints as I’ve navigated this season of my life as well. What a blessing!

She wasn’t the only one. It took time in a group setting to make connections, but it has happened and some of that I have left in the hands of others to decide if they want to go further.

Waiting for a great connection is valuable but hard. I’ve gone through periods of loneliness even though I have a ton to do and a wonderful husband. I prefer the deeper one-on-one connections to a larger group setting. I’ve learned a lot in a small group, but it’s not as deep as just one or three people.

I had a friend tell me years ago, “I want to go DEEP!” While she was meaning she wanted to learn more about Jesus, she is also someone who goes deep relationally. Distance keeps us apart more than I’d prefer, but I agree. I want to go deep.

We all long for connection of some sort, but the deep ones take time, effort, and vulnerability. Time is also spent learning if that individual is safe. The deeper we go, the harder it is when someone breaks our trust or shows themself to be unsafe. It can be devastating.

Walking through chronic issues with someone, whether relational, physical, or emotional, can also be challenging. Yet someone struggling that way needs someone to care, listen, and sometimes give of themselves without expecting much in return. We need others to be there for us when we are giving to someone like that.

What’s your secret to making great connections with people you’ve not met before or when in a new area or church? I’d love to hear them.

Author Confessions: Does It Matter If Pets Go To Heaven?

May4
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Does it Matter if Pets Go To Heaven?

I figured I should address this, especially after I took over my blog on April 24th to do a book review because I don’t believe my dogs are sanctified. Oh, they are good pups to be sure, but I wonder: Does it matter if pets go to heaven?

Don’t cut me off just yet.

In recent years I’ve had to say good-bye to four dogs, and with each one, I wept, missed them, and kept looking for them. They live in on my memories, but I not entirely certain that dogs (or any pet) goes to heaven.

Scripture doesn’t mention it. God cares about every sparrow that falls though and all animals are created by Him. He mentions sparrows in Luke and Matthew.

Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.  Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

(Matthew 10:28-30)

Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God.  Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.

(Luke 12:6-7)

When I grieved the first of those dogs I put down, I had to take comfort in a few things:

  • My dog(s) had been loved. Each one was a rescue and their last days, weeks, and months were filled with affection and love.
  • My dog(s) had been well-cared for. Good food, medical care when needed, and fresh air and exercise.
  • My care and love for that pet, mattered to God. Showing kindness to one of His creatures matters.

My pets were a blessing God used in my life:

  • My dogs provided unconditional love–a reflection of their Creator.
  • Every dog I’ve owned had their own distinct personality and quirks that delighted me. How much more does God delight in mine?
  • One dog was my mainstay through a very painful experience and brought me support. The requirements of needing to maintain the daily care of that dog, kept me grounded when the ground in my life was shifting.

Here’s the main point I want to make: Heaven will be wonderful and God loves me and cares about my pets. Is it possible I would be reunited with all of them in Heaven? What a delight that would be. Having said that, heaven isn’t about reuniting with pets, or even people we’ve loved and miss terribly. It is all about Jesus and His kingdom. Being able to be in God’s presence should fill us with all the joy and delight we could ever want for eternity.

Here one earth, He is gracious enough to give us people to love, and pets to steward and care for, but nothing will be greater than being in His presence.

Is it wrong to talk about the “rainbow bridge”? Does it matter if pets go to heaven and to one plans to reunite with them there? My conclusion is no. However, God knows our hearts and if any one person or animal is more important that He is, we are living in idolatry. He longs to be first in our hearts in every way. God cares for our pets and whether or not I believe my dogs will be in heaven, isn’t as important as knowing the God who loves them more than I do, loves me too.

That should be enough.

 

 

Author Confessions: Characters Don’t Waste Time on the Phone

Apr27
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Characters Don’t Waste Time on the Phone

When I write a story, I have had characters use their cell phones to text but not much else. I don’t think I’ve even had a character doom scrolling through social media. Fictional characters don’t waste time on the phone.

I do.

Too much time, even though I have plenty of other things to keep me occupied. Sometimes I wish for the  days of the flip phone when it was only about phone calls (although texting was a beast on those). And I like to be able to check something on the internet or quickly place an order to check emails.

However, apart from those convenient uses for my phone, I spend too much time on it. Maybe God’s convicting me of this. The other day I left my phone alone and doing a craft as I watched television with my husband, because if there was a weather emergency I wanted the battery to be full so I could monitor the weather from the basement, maybe even through a helpful meterological video channel.

The reality is, my battery, on a normal day, shouldn’t need to have much battery drain.

I also tend to lose my phone. Have you ever left home without your phone? I have. How did you feel? Anxious? All the “what if’s” pop up. What if I have an accident? What if I miss an important phone call–which is funny as most people don’t call on the phone too much anymore.

I remind myself that I used to drive around all the time without a phone before car phones became a thing. It never dawned on me at that time I might be in danger. Of course, as I drive now I think of all the things I need my phone for. Uses I probably wouldn’t have thought of if it were in my pocket.

A reframe for me when I leave my phone behind is this: Without my phone, I’m off the leash. Think of a dog running with wild abandon when the leash is off. Being without my phone doesn’t need to be a bad thing. Some people turn if off and leave it behind for a day or two on a regular basis so they are not distracted by other things. Not sure I’m willing to go that far at this season of my life. In a newer community you might be surprised how much I use the map feature.

Fictional characters might text, or even make a phone call, but the conversations are short because too much of that kind of thing bogs down the story.

Fictional characters don’t waste time on their phones because that doesn’t move their story forward and a reader wouldn’t want to read about all they are scrolling through. Maybe I should be more like my fictional characters. Might be worth a try to see how much God can do with that time.

How much is my phone bogging down my life and keeping me from all that God has for me? Playing a game on my phone might be relaxing, but what if instead I were praying for someone? Or even silently praising God–or loudly by singing without a backup track in my car. What do you think? Does your phone monopolize your time?

 

Susan Speaks: Learning to Breathe (Book Review)

Apr24
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Susan Speaks: Learning to Breathe (Book Review)

I’m supplanting Oliver and Minnie but they are busy playing, and the topic of this book is of a more serious nature. One of the subjects that underlies most of my fiction is sanctification. Characters must grow in faith (or come to faith). My Orchard Hill Series has a church as a focal point for all the characters in some way, shape, or form, because I deeply love the church and believe it is essential to the Christian walk. Learning to Breathe: How To Cultivate A Life-Changing Relationship with the Holy Spirit comes from behind the shadows of fiction that I use as my platform, and lays it out clearly and without apology.

I have taught about the subject of the Holy Spirit from a more doctrinal standpoint, but Matt Morton has raised the bar for books on this subject. With authenticity he challenges the reader to go deeper. For instance, his chapter (3) on the Fruit of the Spirit is eye-opening, as a gauge that all beliveers in Jesus can use to determine where we need to grow, something we can only do by the power of the Holy Spirit.

There is personal application in every chapter and Matt Morton builds beautifully from personal sanctification (which only happens through the power of the Holy Spirit) to the beauty of the church and mission it has throughout the world in spreading the wonderful and powerful message of salvation in Jesus.

If you want to live a more vibrant walk with the Lord, I cannot recommend this book highly enough. While Lewis Sperry Chafer’s work on the topic is great, and Francis Chan’s is approachable, Matt Morton’s work is easy- to- read yet challenging. If you do not want to grow in your faith, do not purchase this book. I went through this as part of a group and found that to be a blessing as we shared how the truths in this book was working to transform our lives. I’ve walked with Jesus for 45 years and love that He has so much more to teach me, and this book has been helpful in challenging me to grow further.

If this were Oliver or Minnie, they would give this book five bones, because they are dogs after all. I, however, give it five stars.

Author Confessions: Are You Seeking God’s Hand or His Heart?

Apr20
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Are You Seeking God’s Hand or His Heart?

Oliver Maltese/shih tzu mix.

When we got Oliver, he was a six-month-old puppy. I poured love on this dog and he became quite devoted to me. We did obedience training (more for me than him!) and the trainer didn’t think she could work with him because he loved me so much. Oliver understood she had treats though and performed beautifully for her and then quickly returned to me.

Oliver is motivated by praise as well as treats and I rarely give him the treats but lots of praise. His sister, Minnie, however, has been trained more by following Oliver as she hasn’t been motivated much by praise or treats. Two years in and she still will not take a treat from my hand. She will wag when I praise her but her stubborn shih-tzu heart refuses to do anything other than what she desires to do.

Years ago when I was attending a prayer retreat, the leader asked this question. Are you seeking God’s hand or his heart? 

Oliver will jump into my lap because he longs to be close to me. He loves

me. Of course he wants to snuggle and be petted too, but he’s often content to stretch out next to my legs because more than anything he longs to be with me.

He will dance for a treat though, but he doesn’t beg for them. He will go to my husband for the treats because Ben has conditioned the dog to do so. A previous dog of ours would go up to my husband in the kitchen and sneeze. Ben would give him a treat. Our dogs go to Ben for his hand, not his heart.

The dogs come to me more for my heart than my hand.

Of course we are told we are to seek God and pray to Him. Prayes of thankgiving, confession, requests, and even just sharing our lives.

Ultimately, as a believer, I long to hear God say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Yes, God rewards us. The list of all the things I did for God should come after gratitude to Him for all I was able to do because He enabled me to, because I long to please Him.

That doesn’t mean I don’t pray for my children, or the health of friends or others who I know are struggling. I made a chart so I can be more intentional to pray for people outside of when I sense God is leading me to pray, which He often does.

I confess I’m often selfish in my prayers, seeking God’s hand more than His heart. Selfish in asking for His Wisdom, for the Holy Spirit to lead and guide in my conversations and relationships. One of my favorite psalms is Psalm 19 and verse 14 in particular: “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.” I find myself in an odd loop of seeking His hand so as to please His heart. A verse before that David prays, “Who can discern his errors? Acquit me of hidden faults.  Also keep back Your servant from presumptuous sins; Let them not rule over me;”  I’m not wrong in seeking His hand, His pierced hands that testify to His death for my sins. 

Someone asked me what they could pray for me. If you could ask for just ONE thing to be prayed for, would it be for a specific physical need for yourself or someone else? Ultimately, my prayer would be David’s that by the power of the Holy Spirit, my thoughts and words, my inner dialogue, the depth of my heart where sin likes to wallow, would be acceptable in His sight because I want to honor Him more than anything else.

So how about you? Are you seeking God’s hand or His heart? Seeking God’s heart gives us His hand, because we cannot do it without the help of the Holy Spirit.

Author Confessions: I Can’t Change Myself

Apr13
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: I Can’t Change Myself

For all the talk people will say about making changes to your diet, exercise, goals etc, I find that in reality I can’t change myself. Maybe I don’t want change enough? Or maybe I like the idea of certain changes but lack the gumption to follow through.

Oh, I know about making baby steps and I’ve accomplished goals that way. Making things a game helps too. Or competing against a goal, almost like I try to see if I can beat the arrival time a GPS gives me on Google Maps. (Don’t tell me you haven’t tried!)

The reality is, the biggest and most significant changes have come about when I’ve asked God to direct me. He’s the one who opens a door for that change and it might seem impulsive for me to step through, yet it might be something I’ve prayed about for months. True heart change comes from the inside out–not the outside in with manufactured disciplines. My stubborn heart rebels against that.

Thankfully, God knows my heart, my mind, my personality and all the quirks that make me uniquely–me. I’ve asked Him to help me mature, grow, and change and I’ve also asked that He be gentle with me. Sometimes He uses circumstances to force change in my life that I might have resisted. Or He leads me on a path that I think will logically be a good thing and in the process I struggle with the necessary changes that are a necessary part of the process.

We sold our house and moved to a community I used to live in over 25 years ago. With social media, emails, and texting, I can stay close to people I love, but the reality, I almost feel invisible to them due to the distance and the scarcity of contact. Was the contact more frequent before that? Maybe, maybe not. But I was immersed in a world where people knew me.

Now I’m a stranger in a strange land. (My hubby would be telling right now that strange is the perfect word for me! And he’d be correct!)

We found a church we love but due to all that’s going on in our lives we haven’t been able to plug into serving yet. I’m an unknown quantity there. Any of my previous ministry expriences do not mean I will serve in the same way here. I’m a small fish in a big pond. The waiting is hard but I realize that God is doing deep work in my soul drawing me into a deeper relationship with Him.

He has restored eager anticipation to go to church for worship, or for our life group, or the women’s study I’m in. They are the highlights of my week. It’s an experience that had been lost over the years for more reasons than I want to go into now.

I used to sing all the time, at home, in the car, everywhere. For years though, I couldn’t sing because I worked supporting the production team in the booth. I couldn’t sing because I needed to be listening for problems. Was the sound mix good? Were there issues with tech that needed to be solved? After years of this, I finally got a chance to join a team on stage for worship. I was going to lead a song with my guitar and I had practiced a lot. I played the instrument fine, but do you think I could find my note to start the singing? Cue deep humiliation and embarrassment when someone else rescued the moment. It was an individual who had derailed my ability to serve at that church in many ways. That was eight years ago and the accumulated trauma surrounding worship ministry, culminating with a moment that no one else realized was painful for me, has kept me from stepping back on a stage to lead worship or to sing even though I have been asked on various occassions. My guitar was packed away. My voice silenced. Shame imprisoned me.

My husband loves to hear me sing and I’m content to have him listen to me worship in church when I am by his side. I realized that I lost more than my voice. I lost much of the joy music gave me because of the pain tied to it. So I’ve been challenging myself to sing more.

I came across a chapter in a book about how the Holy Spirit inhabits our praise and praising God opens up the door for the Holy Spirit to work more in our lives. I’ve been playing music more in my car as I drive and trying to sing at least one song out loud, whether it’s at home or on the road. I don’t really count worshipping at church in that goal. I find that easier than ever to do this with a full heart of gratitude for the Savior Who has graciously brought me back to that joy, leaving the shame behind.

I’m not ready to step back on stage to sing. I’m not that great of a vocalist. I don’t know if God will call me into that ministry in our new-to-us church. I’ve done a  variety of ministries within previous churchs and it’s possible God may have something new lined up for me. Like a kid eager to open gifts at Christmas, I wait, trusting that He has something beautiful in store.

In the meantime, my job is to steep myself in Bible study, memorization, being quiet before Him, singing praises in and out of church, and using the gifts God has given me to encourage others right now, whenever I see something praiseworthy. It’s kind of fun letting God open up doors for those moments to blurt out something to lift another person’s day, simply because I’m blessed to be a witness to the work God is doing in their lives. I can strive to be open to the opportunities to share His love to my neighbors and others I might meet.

So maybe I’m not where I long to be, plugged into my church, but that doesn’t mean I’m being passive. Whether I’m making my husband’s favorite meal, cleaning the house, doing laundry, walking the dogs, ironing shirts, running errands for our house, or chatting with a neighbor as my puppy tries eager to get all the pets possible, God can use me right here and now and I embrace that.

He’s working other changes in me as well and the process hasn’t always been comfortable. At times it has been downright lonely because I haven’t developed close enough relationships where I can get together with someone to talk about life. The key word here is YET. God is enough and I’ve started using an audio journal to help me talk through stuff with Him when I don’t have another human to process with. Yes, I do share things with my hubby but not all the ramblings in my brain! Sometimes God is the only one who gets to hear those.

I can’t change myself, but I know Someone Who can – and I’m doubly grateful for the work the Holy Spirit is doing in me to prepare me for when we are in our home and have even more opportunities to connect with people. Or where He’ll open doors at our church. I recognize it’s a process and leaning into the best change-agent around: Jesus. I can’t change myself–but He can.