Oliver’s Opinion: Love in a Lifeboat (Book Review)

Sep26
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Oliver’s Opinion: Love in a Lifeboat (Book Review)

It is fun when you read a series of books where people from previous stories get their own happily-ever-after. This is the case with Love in a Lifeboat, a sweet inspirational romance by Karen Malley.

Jan Richardson was a secondary character in a few previous stories by Karen Malley and now she get’s her shot at happiness. She’s an independent woman, smart, has no need for the God her friends embrace as real. She isn’t at all jealous of the love those friends have found. She doesn’t need any of that as her company is sending her on a two week cruise. Anything could happen!

The down side is another employee will also be on the cruise and they will be competing to come up with the best ad campaign foir the cruise company. Kyle has Jan’s last name but they are not related. He’s a good looking man but a serial dater, not the kind of guy she’d be interested in. He’d definitely not have anything to do with her anyway.

Kyle loves God. He’s excited about the cruise but has some misapprehensions about his coworker Jan. He figures he can avoid her and work on his campaign and have some fun at the same time.

Event’s make this difficult when the cruise company accidently decided they were husband and wife and assigned them a cabin together. Jan figures it’s no big deal but Kyle can’t sleep in the same room with her due to his faith.

Kyle begins to fall for Jan but she’s not a Christian. An older couple on the cruise take Kyle and Jan under their wings and adventure abounds. Not only with a lifeboat but something about rubber duckies? You’ll need to read it to find out.

A storm, misunderstandings, and past choices rise up to created all kinds of obstacles to any future happiness between these two but God has a plan all along.

My mom loved reading Love in a Lifeboat and I get snuggles when she reads a good book so I suggest you go out and get it. I’ve never been on a cruise but it sounds like fun if it is anything like what these two encountered. I’ll give this five bones, because I’m a dog and that’s what I do.

Author Confessions: Emotional Bandwidth

Sep22
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Emotional Bandwidth

The other day I found myself saying to my husband, “I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for that today. Maybe some other time.”

The heat and the weeks of moving stress finally hit me at that point and I had to say: No.

I’m sure if I pushed myself I could have done more. But that might have caused more problems for me. The heat, the hard work, the stress. I was done.

Emotional bandwidth is a new term for me. I’m not sure how I learned it, but it makes sense. Internet gets slow when there’s not enough “bandwidth”  for the data to get through. We have a limited capacity for stress when it hits all areas of our being.

The same is true when our mental, physical, and emotional capacities are depleted. For the past two weeks I’d been dealing with headaches that just wouldn’t go away. Stress? Did I over do things physically causing misalignment in my neck and upper back? I don’t know but until I could find the time to research and then call to get into a chiropractor (and a new massage therapist) I wasn’t functioning at my peak.

I’ve been trying to balance the need to rest and recharge with the demands that come at me from all angles. It can be paralyzing. I’m blessed with dear friends who I can reach out to and who pray for me and offer words of encouragement even if they are 50 or 1,287 miles away. The blessings of the internet can keep us close. Two of my dear friends only just moved themselves so they have a deeper appreciation for the stresses that go along with that.

I remember learning about looking at aspects of your life from the perspective of a fuel gauge. Unfortunately the car needs more than fuel to run optimally. The oil needs to be clean and filled, the tires need to be inflated to the appropriate psi, wires need to connect, the starter must work, the battery in the key fob is now a concern that wasn’t twenty years ago.

We are more complex than a vehicle, even a brand new one with so many electronic, digital componants you need a master’s degree to be able to use them all.

I’ve been on this planet long enough, you think I’d have a good understanding of myself. I’m still learning. I’m grateful to a God who not only created me but understands parts of who I am that I don’t yet know about. Part of the issue for all of us, hopefully, is that we are growing and changing as we age, and hopefully that maturity helps us understand ourselves more completely. As we grow and change the world also changes around us and there is adaptation everywhere.

I’ve long had a discipline of time with God, reading Scripture and writing it down to help me slow my brain down and focus, and writing out my thoughts, feelings, and prayers. It helps but life can still be overwhelming. Slowing down, giving myself grace, even permission to cry when it becomes too much, is all healthy. And necessary.

Especially when events in the world can also throw one’s emotions into chaos. Grief, sorrow, horror all take a toll, whether we know a person impacted or not.

I think God sometimes takes us to the brink so we realize we can’t do it on our own and we desperately need Him. I’ve been seeking Him all along on this journey, however, it’s easy for that focus to slip.

I finally saw a chiropractor and my headaches disappeared. I got a new massage therapist and I’m sure that will help my body as I recover from the past few months of stress. Time with God daily helps as well as saying “no” when appropriate.

That can be difficult. I’ve had immediate reactions where I wanted to say NO but God led me to say yes and I was incredibly blessed. Sometimes I jump before seeking Him, and NO is likely to be a better default right now as I seek to find my way in a new community, search for a new church, and develop new relationships here.

Have you experienced issues with your emotional bandwidth and been forced to make adjustments? How has that worked out for you? What helps you protect your emotional bandwidth?

 

 

Author Confessions: It’s the Little Things (Part V)

Sep15
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s the Little Things (Part V)

I am making the little things big things, aren’t I? Five posts on this from various angles? I hope this will be the last but who knows, there are so many little things!

This post is more of a wrap up from the previous four so if you haven’t read them, check them out.

I’m giving you a few little questions that might help you clarify the little things. So if you have a few moments to ponder these, it might help. I’m going to be journaling mine because writing helps me slow my brain down.

Slowing down to focus on the little things can make a big difference. I hope this helps you.

  • What is one little thing God did for me today, for which I can be grateful?
  • What little thing did I do today that will set me up for success tomorrow with all that’s on my plate?
  • What little thing can I do to make someone else’s day better?
  • What little thing is holding me back from achieving a goal, drawing closer to God, or overcoming something I’m dealing with?
  • What little thing do I think God would like to help me change in myself?

I realize all of these are little things, but they can make a big difference. I’m a big picture person but am growing, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to focus on the little things.

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things (Part IV)

Sep8
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things (Part IV)

I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder – Inattentive Type only a few years ago. Did I always have this or was this a result of years of chronic trauma that tripped me up when I was suddenly in a safe and peaceful, (aka amazingly safe) environment. Maybe it was a combination of it all. Medication and therapy make a huge difference as I continue to heal.

I had a son with ADHD so I thought I understood a lot about this, but I didn’t. I’ve learned that breaking tasks down into little steps (it’s the little things) makes it easier for me to get things done and I’ve even using an app on my phone to help track all those and give me a little boost every time I check it off my list. (Finch) While that is a self-care app, it helps reward me better than my lists that were never perfect enough so I would shred them and write them all over again.

Henry Cloud has of this in one of his books as well. Some tasks can seem huge, but breaking them down into smaller chunks can make it easier to get done. This works whether it is getting through a graduate thesis to moving from one house to another or cleaning your kitchen,

It seems basic and simple but hypervigilence made breaking down everything into little tasks unnecessary in my past, although I would still drag my feet to do chores I dislike. Breaking down a task into smaller chunks was something I did with my son but I’d never needed that before for myself. I guess anxiety and trauma had a bonus. The problem resulted when that was no longer there and my brain didn’t understand what to do! It was the fuel that propelled me and I was running on empty.

How does this work? Take a task, like laundry. I tell myself a little lie that folding and putdting away clothing will take sooo long. This was never an issue when I went to a laundromat but the convenience of having a washer and dryer can allow for laziness. Using a laundromat you have to sort, wash, dry and fold the clothes and then you put them away when you take them out of the basket when you get back home. At home? I can dump it all in a basket and walk away.

Now I’ve timed myself on this HUGE task of folding clothes and putting them away. Probably fifteen minutes since it’s just my husband and myself. Still, breaking down the tasks like this: wash clothes, dry clothes, fold clothes, put away clothing. Whether I was doing this on paper and putting a line through each item I accomplished or checking it off on the app, either way it helps. I had done this to help me drink water. I’ve added my steps to the app getting to check off every 1,000 steps I take during a day. I even had to increase the number from 6,000 to 10,000! Mostly because I have so many more tasks to do right now that has kept me moving more than ever before without “taking a walk.”

Using an app and other small tricks help me be more productive. It’s the little things, like even making a task a game or setting a timer, that can help me to keep moving and get something done. I will often do a less favorable task before I take on one I like better.

There are a lot of issues with ADHD, but I’ve found that sometimes it is the little things that can make a difference in me having a productive day, especially when there are more tasks to do than can possibly be done.

I do allow myself grace. If I cannot accomplish my long list of things I can reschedule them for a future date so I don’t forget about them. I rarely have an issue remembering to do most things but when life is crazy tasks can slip through the cracks. I’m working hard to avoid that but not beating myself up if it happens.

Sometimes paying attention to the little things is hard because we rush through our days with our to do list. Sometimes the biggest little thing is taking time to pause, be silent, and experience the moment. The little things are easier to notice then.

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things (Part III)

Sep1
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things (Part III)

Last week might have been a downer, not that I haven’t written about sin, especially how emotions running amuck can lead us down bad paths, but still, who wants to keep being reminded about a truth we’d rather forget? As an author who is a follower of Jesus Christ, it would be negligence for me to avoid the topic.

I want to focus more on positive little things for this post.

I was doing training thirty years ago and the gal coaching me showed me a photo in her office, hung on the wall. A gorgeous sunset. With a black spot. She said too often we focus on the negative instead of the positive and that photo reminds her to look beyond the mistakes to the good that they were doing in their ministry.

It takes effort to look past the bad things in this world and instead spread some kindness and goodness. Like a smile to stranger. Sending a cheerful or silly GIF to a friend to brighten their day. Writing a card and mailing it, just because that person was on your mind (don’t let the price of a stamp become a big thing!). A hug (ask permission first).

I am trying to be more intentional when I am out in public. I can get so focused on my own tasks and I’m an introvert, so this is a challenge. Maybe it is for you. As a result, if I observe someting I like, I go and tell an individual. “That pink blouse is beautiful on you,” or maybe because I know the challenges of curly hair, “Your hair is beautiful, look at those gorgeous curls!” It can be as simple as giving a stranger a smile as you pass their cart in the grocery store. Or giving a struggling mom a word of encouragement as they struggle. “You’re doing great. I’ve been there. It will get better.”  (I try to avoid the trite “Enjoy these moments, you’ll miss them someday and it goes so fast.” I don’t miss stepping on legos).

One day on his way to our  farm property, my husband bought a box of hand picked donuts at Kwik Trip. On his way back to his truck, he spied a man at the fuel pump who looked like he was having a bad day. My dramatic husband decided to act like Donkey from Shrek and said “You look like you could use a donut!” The man was startled and grabbed a donut to the open carton presented to him. My husband didn’t bother to tell him that one blueberry one he chose was my hubby’s favorite. Making that man’s day brighter was worth it. He will often offer a shopping cart to someone going into a store but adds, “It’s a two speed so be careful!” That always gets a grin. He intentionally tries to make people smile.

On the phone when dealing with calls, whether ot the doctor’s office or insurance, there’s usually enough time to be friendly or tell them to have a wonderful day. It sounds trite but too often people who are working at answering phones are dismissed or even treated rudely. At a restaurant, address your waiter by name if you can. Everyone deserves to be seen and something that simple validates their existance. One caveat: robo calls. Try to hang up before you get a person or an automated message. I try to be as polite as possible when I get a person but they won’t listen when I say no, I say thank you and hang up.

You don’t have to be creative or unique–just sincere. Love people where they are at even if you don’t know their name. God does. Some people go so far as to ask “How can I pray for you?” and if you’re courageous enough to stop and pray for them right then and there.

It’s the little things that can make a big difference in someone’s day. Small doesn’t mean insignificant. What little things could you do that might make a difference in the lives of others?

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part II

Aug25
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part II

As I pondered little things when it comes to fiction, my little grey cells meandered to other areas where this is important.

When the Isrealites were preparing for that first Passover they needed to clean to the degree that not a tiny piece of yeast ( a little thing) could be found in the house. I had help cleaning in the house a few weeks back, and the woman told me to be aware that there were crumbs of something in one cupboard. Maybe I had mice. We live in the country and mice are not unusual to find if traps aren’t set, however, in this instance it yeast had fallen out of a tiny hole in a packet that had been cut too close. Better than a mess left by mice, but still, a mess.

I’m not a big fan of cleaning, but this reminded me that even the tiniest sin, is still sin. A speck that can obscure your view. How often do I deep clean my own soul? We get too used to the dust in the corner, or the window sill, or in the cupboard. Over time it gets worst.

There’s a saying that we are not to stress over the little things. And in reality many little things we stress over will be insignificant in the future and we won’t remember them at all. Still, when it comes to daily life, sometimes it is the little things that are important, like confessing sin, spending time with God, paying that credit card bill, changing the oil on the car…

But how about in life? How often do we pay attention to the little things around us? I was deep cleaning in my home and amazed at how much dirt shows up in the space between window glass and screen. Ewww! My husband walks around the outside of his shop or garage always looking for nails or screws. Those little things can cause big problems if a tire hits one the wrong way.

Sin often starts out small. A tiny lie. A corner of your soul that holds on to anger and resentment. Just one video you’d never want your mother to catch you watching (not to mind God!).

What about patterns of behavior? Saying a behavior is wrong for some but not for you (hypocrisy). Being able to think critically can be important for certain tasks: medicine, police work, even editing books. While that is a great skill to have, it can be difficult to turn it off when it comes to people. Having a good work ethic is important but working so hard you avoid relationships, isn’t honoring to those who love you. Seeking to do your work perfectly is great if you’re a surgeon, but expecting perfection of others in everyday life is always going to disappoint.

I could list so many more things, mostly because I have a tendency to sin. I’m gratful for those who I love and trust who can tell me when I’ve erred. I need to speak the truth in love as well at times. I hate having to call out sin in others because I hate having to look at in in myself. True love helps those they love, even with the little things.

When it comes to sin, what little things trip you up? What might God be showing you that you need to deal with? It’s the little things that can grow to be big things.

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things, Part I

Aug18
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: It’s The Little Things Part I

My husband and I watch movies together and my husband delights in finding things that are wrong in a movie. Like fully leafed out green leaves covered in fake snow to illustrate a winter, Christmas season.

Tiny details can matter when writing a story and for an author it can be a challenge to keep track of them.

For instance, in my novel, Whitney’s Vow, she wore glasses, or contacts. Throughout the story I had to remember whether she had her glasses or was wearing contacts. She would take out the contacts if she had migrains which she suffered from. Throughout the story I needed to keep in mind what she could or could not see based on whether she was wearing contacts or glasses. This can be exhausting! Some authors keep a style sheet with information about each character. Sometimes I do character interviews before writing. That’s how I discovered that Katrina had a scar on her hand from a fall after climbing a tree. (Sir Michael’s Mayhem). It was funny how important that scar, and that tree, became to the story.

When an author embues a character with a quirk, whether it is clothing, a speech pattern, physical infrirmity, the author needs to keep that in mind. Or if they are injured in some way, like when Pastor Dan in Bratwurst and Bridges broke his leg skiing, that had to be top of mind when he was navigating through events in the story.

Details, even tiny ones, can be essential. Especially in a mystery. A stray piece of hair. A bit of skin under a fingernail. A small piece of glass. Even before DNA it is sometimes small clues that could link someone to a crime.

If you’ve read enough of this blog, you’ll note that there are a myriad of details that an author must pay attention to, but even so, it is sometimes the smallest of things that can make a difference in a story.

Are there any unusual or interesting details you’ve noticed in books you’ve read lately? Perhaps innocuous but still essential to the story or characters the authors penned? I’d love to hear about them.

 

 

 

Author Confessions: Who Is My Audience?

Aug11
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: Who Is My Audience?

This is a questions authors are asked by publishers and agents. When writing a book, who is your audience? Who are you hoping will purchase this book? It can’t be too broad. I write romance and I cannot say, “Women from 18 to 98.”

Although I have had women from that age range (and younger, and sometimes men!), the idea is to narrow down the audience so marketing can be aimed their direction.

I ran some advertisments last year through META and it was funny because someone messaged me complaining about my ad being on her page. “Get off my page!” she stated. I explained that it was automated and she can tell Facebook she doesn’t want to see the advertisment. I told her to have a nice day and then she was nicer to me. Obviously, regardless of what META’s algorhythm was, she wasn’t my target audience.

I’ve had teenagers read my books and I’ve had a man in his 80’s be the first in line to pick up any new contemporary romance from me. A former pastor of mine also read all my books as they would come out. Mine were the only fiction he would read and he greatly enjoyed the stories.

So then, who is my audience?

Originally, I started writing for myself. I always loved Regency romances, however, many on the market have unnecessary sex scenes. There was not a lot of inspirational or Christian Regency romances available to someone who devoured them (me!). Those were my great escape. When I started writing, I wrote a Regency (The Virtuous Viscount) and the audience was: me.

I primarily write the stories I want to write, the ones I believe God is giving me. Some are easier to write than others and with everyone I learn new things about writing, life, and myself. Writing fiction can be a revelation to me, not just to the reader. When I’ve co-authored, there was a differen’t process for those books and to be honest, they were harder for me to write. I’m glad I did them, and I learned a lot, but prefer writing my own stories while still editing those of other authors I work with through Pelican Book Group.

I am my audience, but that doesn’t sell many books, does it? It takes a lot of my time between the first draft, edits, and then going through the publishing process (with numberous other edits) and marketing. I do want other people to be blessed by the books God gave me to write. They will not be everyone’s cup of tea, and there is a lot of great fiction out there.

While there’s a part of me that envies authors who have a bigger audience and reach, I remember that I only need to reach the one person who needs the message God gave me for each book. A message that might encouraged them, or cause them to draw close to God in a fresh way, or even for the first time. While that’s a noble thought it doesn’t pay all the people who work on that book, does it? Every single one deserves to be paid for the work they do from cover art, editing, copyediting, formatting, getting it in the system, marketing etc. A book at $17.99 isn’t going to be enough to pay for all that and the cost of printing.

While I say I write for myself, I’m missing the most important audience: Jesus, the Word Himself! I write as an act of worship and hope to honor Him with the words that are put on the page.

A relationship also happens with some readers, who I know personally, who have blessed me with their prayers and words of encouragement “When is the next book coming out?” It’s wonderful to know there are those who love the stories, but some of them even love me. That is a blessing I cherish.

All that to say, I pray that God will lead people who need my stories to find those books. I work harder at that now than I ever did on the marketing. Not sure yet how that will all work out but I recognize that fame and fortune, while good and yes, I would like money to help sustain the basic necessities of life, are not as important as honoring God in and through the process. He is the One who is in control.

Fans of my stories can also help by writing reviews on Amazon. They can be short and sweet but they can help others find my books. Also helpful is sharing with others about them and recommending them. Word of mouth, or sharing on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter can help as well. The nice thing for new readers is, there is a great back-catalogue of stories for them to read if they decide they like my stories.

I’ll keep plugging away at the writing… and appreciate your prayers and encouragement on the way.

Who is my audience? Most likely it’s you.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Myth of Unconditional Love

Aug4
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Myth of Unconditional Love

One of the cornerstones of some therapy is that people need unconditional love. The more I’ve thought about it though, it seems kind of wrong, doesn’t it?

There is no free pass with love. When my husband and I were doing premarital counseling, there was a questions we needed to answer about whether we believed anything could destroy our marriage. I said yes. Unconditional love would say no. Maybe I was more practical realizing that there are many things that can destroy a marriage. I don’t like divorce and I have no desire for that but it is naive to think that it is 100% preventable. While making a good marriage takes three (husband, wife, and the Lord), one person alone can destroy it.

Let me try to unpack this a little.

God loves us. He created us. There are many who say that because God is love there can be no Hell. Some dismiss God because of that. Unconditional love would only seek a person’s happiness and wellbeing. No strings attached.

Maybe the  difference here is there are boundaries and expectations. God’s one big desire was that we are to love Him with all our heart, mind, body, and soul. That’s a tough calling in a world where so many things pull us away to idols that cannot give us a tiny fraction of the love God has for us.

His love is unconditional in that He will always love us but He will leave us to our own devices if we spurn Him and He will allow negative consequences. Even in Scripture He intentionally brought punishment to the nation of Israel for their turning their back on Him. Are those strings?

“And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13).

That sounds like conditions.  God still loved them, but the ability to have a loving relationship with Him was damaged by the choices of the people He called to be His own.

This applies to us as well.

We often forget that God is more than love. He is holy and cannot tolerate sin. He is righteous and pure and cannot stand the taint of sin and our disobedience. He does extend grace and mercy to those who turn to Him and seek His repentance. He even gave us the Holy Spirit to enable us to do all that–as long as we seek Him.

Now we could get into the weeds of self-will and predetermination here but setting that aside, the reality is, however we seek or not seek Him, it is something He desires and we do have some responsiblity for.

I have a child that was difficult to raise and part of that was due to other circumstances beyond mental illness challenges. While he has chosen to cut off a relationship with me, I do pray for him. I love him. I’m sad that I don’t have a relationship with him. I also am relieved I don’t need to deal with his foul disrespect that is so contrary to the truths I and others tried to instill in Him from God’s Word since the day he was born. He has made a choice and I respect that choice. However, I will also not be opening my door wide should he want to return home. He is an adult and has made choices, and should circumstances change that make it hard for him to live with those choices, they will be his to deal with. While I hope and pray that someday he turns back to God, and maybe would desire a relationship with me, there will still be boundaries, as there should be in ANY relationship.

Is that unconditional love? Maybe so. I will always love him and cherish the good, funny, silly memories. I won’t regret the sacrifices I made to advocate for him and push him to be all I believed he could be. He has scorned that and has taken the easy, lazy path in life, but I doubt that will continue because those who have catered to allow him that path will someday no longer be there. I will not enable that kind of life, so coming to me for rescue at that point will be denied.

I will still love him but I recognize that allowing him to take advantage of me is not the way to win back his love or in his best interests.

God is our heavenly Father and yes, of course He loves the individual people He specifically designed and created. He also has allowed all of us to make decisions and choices to follow Him or not and He allows us to take those paths and face those consequences. There are consequences,  good and bad, to following or not following Him.

The Holy Spirit, whom He has given to be our guide will withdraw from providing comfort and leading when we are intentioanlly sinning against God, or worse, denying Him and His power. The Spirit can be grieved. Even God withdrew from Israel when they sinned and was silent allowing them to live the life they chose and face those consequences without a rescue until He deemed they were ready.

So is unconditional love a myth or reality? We can love, but to love well is to be honest, speaking the truth in love, working through conflict to resolution and restoration of relationships. Love that continues to foster sin in the guise of being unconditional love, is really not love at all because love desires what is best for the beloved, even when that means confronting them of their sin and providing consequences. Permissiveness is not love and nothing God has ever done promotes that kind of relationship.

God loves completely. It grieves His heart when people chose to abandon Him. It must break His heart when they make that decision because there is an unpardonable sin. Blaspheming the Holy Spirit, denying God’s power, and refusing to repent. It’s not that God doesn’t want that individiual to repent, however, the consequences is they cannot be in His presence or spend eternity with the Creator of the Universe.

This is just and it is right.

I had a philosophy professor tell me that he was going to challenge God to His face and be entered into Heaven. That kind of arrogance God despises and it is delusional to think that professor would prevail against the Holy Perfect Soveriegn God who created him. Unless he repents he will be seperated from God for eternity in Hell, filled with torment.

So, is love unconditional or not? I can hold love for people because of who God created them to be but that doesn’t put a rubber stamp on sin, or prevent me from calling it out. Those who love me will do the same and because of their love, tested over time, I can accept and appreciate that reproval when it comes because it comes out of love.

For many, love is the myth, never mind the unconditional part. Love is not just words but actions and it is not always a fuzzy sweet emotion. Love is expressed in a relationship, and when that relationship is severed, doesn’t love demand reconcilation? That would be a conditon, right?

I’ve kind of meandered here, but it’s my blog so I ‘m allowed to do that.

What do you think about the myth of unconditional love? Is it a myth? God’s love never fails but as for us sin-tainted humans it does. I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Author Confessions: The Junk We Carry

Jul28
Reading Time: 7 minutes

Author Confessions: The Junk We Carry

We are in the process of moving and while we have a lot of boxes out of our house, now that showings are done, we still have much more to pack. Some of it will go into storage while we wade through storage to find things we might still need that accidently got put in with all the other stuff… It’s annoying and frustrating how much we have that we don’t need and thend trying to decide what to keep, sell, give away, or trash is equally challenging.

It is also time consuming. Both my husband and myself are planning to get rid of even more before it gets moved into our final home. I’ve tried to be ruthless and so has he but since are both creative people there are things we keep that are “I might need this someday…” for doing a project. Oh, there are lots of things I would love to do but I’d need to do more than clone myself to get them all done, assuming I’ll have the physical ability to do them, or that God will grant me the time here on earth to accomplish those things.

It had me pondering the things I carry (as do others) that really don’t help us on our journey in this life. Things that weigh us down, maybe bad memories, negative thoughts we tend to gravitate toward, or habit that really don’t advance the quality of our life here on this earth or our service to Jesus while we are here. Or lastly, people. Oh, I’m sure there’s a lot more junk I could dig up but I think those are pretty big ones.

Bad Memories

Like old pillows we collect  but can’t give away, our bad memories can surround us if we let them, but they fail to provide comfort. I have some from my growing up years and all the emotions that go with them. Some have those that are far more traumatic and need to be dealt with in conjunction with prayer and counseling. Mine, maybe, maybe not. They aren’t deeply traumatic but they left their mark.

It’s amazing how sin impacts our tendency to focus more on negative memories than the positive ones. Even in a difficult marriage there were good moments and that doesn’t negate the harm that was done, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate the positives that were there as well. As a result of the hardships, I grew and matured in my walk with God and emotionally with the help of a therapist, to be a healthier version of myself than I was way back when.

Focusing on the good and setting aside the bad is an intentional act of the will. We can’t avoid the bad memories, and we can’t erase them forever, however, we can chose to change our perspective on them. If there is healing to be done, then do that with help before shoving them away.

Negative Thoughts

We all, I’m sure, have negative thoughts that run through our minds. Scripture says to take every thought captive but like fireflies flitting around at dusk, how do you catch one with a butterfly net? They’d slip right through. You can’t stop bad thoughts as they are unconsciously driven by the sinful bent we have as a result of the fall, but we can minimize them by focusing on God’s truth.

It’s easy for me to be self-critical but I love the heart and words of a friend of mine, also an author, who says, “God delights in me, and I’m His child, so I don’t need to worry. He’ll take care of me.” She told me this with a big smile and a cute giggle. The idea of being a delight to God doesn’t mean walking in arrogance, but in calm confidence and joy that can wipe away some of those harsh critical comments that pop into my mind. Even looking in the mirror I can be far more critical of parts of my appearance, but this is the body God gave me and it functions fairly well, and I’ve been able to help it heal from effects of past emotional trauma that sometimes manifests itself physically.

Not that I need to think I’m a model, which is silly since I don’t even think all models are all that pretty. But God created me and my husband and friends love me, so, I need to accept that I am loveable in spite of any perceived flaws.

God’s word never lies but my brain does when it accuses or puts me down. I would never treat a friend like that! Neither would God. Sure, I’ll tell you if you have a black poppy seed stuck in your teeth but I’m not going to tell you you’re fat, or ugly. We all go through struggles and many of them are unseen. I shouldn’t be thinking thoughts that I would never attribute to a friend or God would never think about me.

Granted, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t own up to my failings and work to resolve those things. I am fully aware of my sinful tendencies and the evil that lurks deep inside. Submitting daily to God, coming before him and feasting on Scripture, helps a keep my thoughts focused on Him, and the wonders of all He has done and continues to do. And that’s far more enjoyable than entertaining dark or negative thoughts that don’t help me.

Habits

We all have habits that don’t help us. I’m trying to drink more water instead of soda, because it’s better for my health. I’m trying to make wiser choices in food. And footware. Practiciality often wins out over fashion when it comes to my feet! There are so many habits we have but we can replace them with better ones which makes setting aside the bad ones, easier.

I have a routine or habit of journaling and spending time with God every day. I’ve at times needed to adjust when I do it, and sometimes it might be not as full a time as I would prefer, but I find that if I don’t do that, my days doesn’t go quite as well. Kind of like if I don’t take certain medications or supplements. Or drink enough water. The impact can be felt if I neglect the  good habits in my life.

Some people like to collect things but have a policy that for every new thing collected, they must give away something else. It’s an interesting concept. Habits can be a lot of things, not just diet and exercise.

What healthy habits do you have?

People

I’ve had people come and go in my life, we all do. Some people leave us through death and leave a legacy of a positive (or negative) impact in our lives. Other people we need to cut ties with or minimize contact with for our own well being. I don’t want to spend my time, as precious as it is, walking on eggshells around someone. Like a figurine that was in fashion once upon a time, sometimes giving it away, selling it, or tossing it, is better than keeping it around. Not that we can sell or give away people,  but we can keep them from entering the door of our home (physically and emotionally), and that’s the point. Some people don’t deserve the honor of our time and attention, much less hospitality, if they bring poison with them.

We’ve had a few of those people in our lives. I can be too trusting at times but as an INFJ, if you break that trust, it is really hard to get it back. Oh, I can forgive people, but that doesn’t mean I ever want a relationship with them. Reconciliation might be possible, but again, that doesn’t mean trust and the kind of intimacy I treasure with people closest to me.

I recently blocked someone who was toxic to my husband but then tried to get to him, through me, via text. It was like a drive by shooting where he hoped the bullet would go through me and hit my hubby. First, that was triangulation which his never healthy, and secondly, this person who had a week before told my husband he loved him, wouldn’t share what was going on that caused him to go off the rails. He blew up the relationship, ran away, and tried to justify it with a rage-filled text. (We won’t be seeing emails from him either, they will go to spam now).  I didn’t read more than a few words before I understood what was going on and deleted it and blocked him. I had avoided option before that, in hopes that at some point in the future, he might want to reconcile. My hand was forceed. I took a stand, set a boundary, and in a way, toss the relationship away.

Characters in a Story

Sometimes when I’m writing a story, my own issues that I need to purge might be reflected in the characters I write. Many times that happens unconsciously. You were writing your own story (with God’s help!). What would you desire for you? What actions would you take towards growth that would make God smile?

Cleaning House

Purging and cleaning house is never easy when it’s a physical place and belongings. It’s even more difficult when it is emotional, mental, and physical. Getting rid of the junk we carry is necessary if we are going to enjoy the fullness of the life God has given us. Kind of like pulling weeds in the garden so you can enjoy the beauty of the flowers blooming there, it needs to be done. Thankfully we have a God who created us to enjoy His beauty and love and grants forgiveness when we confess the bad stuff we are holding on to. Let Him bring us treasures that are eternal to take the the place of the junk we carry.

What are you thinking about purging, with God’s help?